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Walker Boone, voice of Mario in the 90s cartoon show Super Mario World, has passed away. His last words were “it’s-a no longer me”.

27 people aboard a Carnival Cruise Line ship bound for Belize have tested positive for COVID-19. The passengers are vaccinated, most are asymptomatic, and all are asking for their own private supply of crab legs at the buffet.

Britney Spears’ father, Jamie, agreed to remove himself from her conservatorship. No word on who will control Britney’s estate in the near-term, but it’s a sure thing she won’t ask to spend money on singing lessons.

Mama June Shannon, reality tv mom of Honey Boo-Boo, is suing a Beverly Hills doctor for $35,000 for botching her dental surgery. The suit demands $17,500 for each tooth.

Adidas, which acquired Reebok in 2006 for $3,8 billion, is selling the brand for just $2.5 billion. Journalists sought comments from athletes who wear Reebok shoes, but couldn’t find any.

Eminem’s 19-year-old child Stevie announced they’re non-binary, and will use pronouns they/he/she – and, any new ones that come out.

Former MLB All-Star Jim Edmonds got engaged to Kortnie O’Connor, who reportedly had a threesome with Edmonds & his third ex-wife Meghan. Edmonds is confident in Kortnie’s ability to produce in the clean-up spot.

NASA increased the odds of massive asteroid Bennu striking Earth sometime before 2300. Although gamblers who bet that Bennu will strike Earth may have a hard time collecting their winnings once the planet is blown up.

‘Jersey Shore’ star Vinny Guadagnino is selling his California home after realizing it was on the wrong coast.

Washington state reported the first sighting of live murder hornets in the U.S. in 2021. They were difficult to recognize at first because of the masks.

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Marriott Hotels is running a pilot program where human desk clerks are replaced by automated kiosks that check in guests and issue room keys. They’re in response to guest concerns about “catching COVID-19” and “being seen with hookers”.

Tiger Woods was traveling at an illegally high rate of speed when he rolled over his SUV and suffered broken bones. This, according to police investigators and anyone who saw a picture of the twisted wreck.

Kayleigh McEnany joined the panel of Fox News’ ‘Outnumbered’, where women outnumber men in a game show to see who can tell the most lies about Democrats.

Christina Haack [formerly El Moussa & Antstead] announced five new episodes of HGTV’s ‘Flip or Flop’. Co-star and ex-husband Tarek El Moussa will flip to a new blonde wife, and Christina will review her latest flop of a marriage.

Joe Biden’s massive new infrastructure bill incorporates over 100 billion dollars to bring broadband internet service to rural communities, and 100 dollars for customer service once it’s done.

The co-CEO of Elon Musk’s neurotechnology company, Neuralink, claims the company has the technology to create a real ‘Jurassic Park’. This is exciting news for everyone who hopes it happens, and that the dinosaurs eat Elon Musk.

Mike Pence signed a seven-figure deal to publish two books – a memoir, and a steamy romance novel about Stephen Miller.

More than 5,000 people attended an illegal party at Arizona’s Tonto National Forest, resulting in multiple DUIs after drivers drank so many Silver Bullets.

Hollywood producer Scott Rudin is the subject of a scathing article in The Hollywood Reporter, with claims that Rudin threw a baked potato at an assistant, then asking the assistant to get sour cream & chives to also throw at him.

LEGO released a NASA Space Shuttle Discovery set. They also released a Space Shuttle Challenger set that comes with gasoline and firecrackers.

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Switzerland – which had previously issued only men’s underwear to all recruits – will now issue women’s underwear to female recruits. Thus ending the only long-term military conflict in Swiss history, The Battle of the Bunch.

CDC data cite COVID-19 as the 3rd-leading cause of death in 2020, right after heart disease and fights over the remote during quarantine.

Chinese police arrested a seller of video game cheat codes, who then escaped after unlocking the keypad on his jail cell with Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A.

Google Maps is being updated to include realtime weather information, for drivers who can’t see out the windows.

After spending a year in space, testing revealed that astronaut Scott Kelly’s heart shrank over 25%, due to zero gravity and his girlfriend dumping him.

Scientists discovered X-rays being emitted by Uranus – an even greater risk to melting your friend’s faces off.

A Pennsylvania pharmacist who wears a Superman suit to his vaccination clinics has given COVID-19 shots to over 15,000 people. However, a different pharmacist dressed as Lex Luthor has vaccinated over 15,000 with a mind control chip.

Ikea introduced a low-cost $55 air purifier, the Ffarrteerasr.

A plane being used for a gender reveal crashed into the ocean in Mexico, killing the pilot and a passenger. The reveal was confusing becuase of the pink dust floating in the blue sea.

Boxer Manny Pacquiao called people attacking Asian-Americans “cowards” and told them to “fight me instead”. A man who assaulted an elderly Chinese woman agreed to fight Pacquiao, and will make $750,000.

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Florida GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz is reportedly the subject of an investigation that he had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old girl. Gaetz responded, saying once she broke up with Barron Trump, he figured she was fair game.

An Indiana woman was charged with the murder of her ex-boyfriend by putting Fentanyl in his oatmeal, then choking him. An autopsy revealed Fentanyl in his bloodstream, but thanks to the oatmeal, his cholesterol was down.

Malik Beasley of the NBA Minnesota Timberwolves is questioning his son’s paternity in his divorce from wife Montana Yao. Tonight on TNT Network, ‘Inside the NBA’ welcomes special guest Maury Povich.

Ariana Grande is joining ‘The Voice’ as a coach. She’s already spun her chair around and gotten engaged to three different male contestants.

Vanessa Bryant, wife of the late Kobe Bryant, celebrated their daughter Natalia being accepted into USC, and wished her the best of luck on the rowing team.

Nintendo fans are reportedly panicked over a rumor that Mario will die on March 31st. Many have ruined their game consoles shoving mushrooms in them to give him an extra life.

NASA’s Mars Curiosity rover sent back a selfie it took atop a 20-foot tall rock formation, just before falling to its death.

NCAA basketball referee Bert Smith collapsed on court while officiating the Gonzaga/USC game, then called himself for a blocking foul.

The National Football League expanded the 2021 regular season. Each team gets a 17th game and a second concussion tent to handle the extra volume.

Scientists in southern Argentina have found the skull of a large meat-eating dinosaur named “one who causes fear” in the local Mapuche language. In its torso area, they found bones from other dinosaurs named “ones that get eaten”.

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A ‘Captain Underpants’ spin-off book will no longer be published by Scholastic for what’s been described as ‘passive racism’. They’ll also stop publishing ‘Captain Adult Incontinence Underpants’ books because of ‘active ageism’.

The United States Men’s soccer team failed to qualify for the Summer Olympics. The good news is the money it saves will be used to fund a bake sale the Women’s soccer team needs to raise money for their airfare to Tokyo.

Boston Dynamics showed off ‘Stretch’, its new multi-tentacled warehouse robot. Stretch failed its first shift in a Amazon warehouse after shooting oil into an empty soda bottle and melting it.

NASA determined a 1000-foot wide asteroid, Apophis 99942, is not a risk to strike earth for at least a century. “I’m still concerned” said an extremely fit 2-year-old.

A mafia fugitive from Italy was apprehended in the Dominican Republic after he & his wife posted Italian cooking videos on YouTube. He was charged in Italy with several counts of kidnapping, drug trafficking, and using canned tomatoes to make gravy.

Google is adding augmenteed reality features to Google Maps, to help guide you through public indoor spaces like airports, malls & train stations. Google believes it will vastly improve the efficiency of public restroom hookups and drug deals.

Texas launched a COVID-19 vaccine appointment scheduler, and a message board where anti-vaxx Texas knuckleheads can make fun of the people signing up.

Kendall Jenner increased security at her home after a discovering a nude man swimming in her pool who was not an active NBA player.

A new list highlights the most popular cocktail during the pandemic in each U.S. state. In California it’s a Paloma, in Florida it’s a Pina Colada, and in New York it’s whatever helps you forget being kissed by Governor Cuomo.

Donald Trump interrupted a wedding reception at Mar-A-Lago, where he spoke for over two minutes bashing Joe Biden. He would have kept going, except he spotted a piece of wedding cake bigger than all of the others.

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NASA’s Pereseverance rover successfully landed on Mars, where it was promptly roverjacked, forced to drive to an ATM to withdraw money and stripped for parts. NASA believes there may, indeed, be life on Mars.

Two women were arrested for an incident at an Atlanta AMC movie theater, when one of them shot a woman who shushed them. Police identified the couple from surveillance footage of them buying popcorn and bullets at the concession stand.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz returned from Cancun after public outrage for his abandoning Texas during their storm crisis. Texas’ other Senator, John Cornyn, could not be reached for comment while he remained on a sex tour of Thailand.

Former Trump ally-turned-critic Nikki Haley reportedly asked for a meeting with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago, but was turned down. Conflicting reports claim Trump agreed to the meeting, but insisted it happen in a hot tub.

A former 60 Minutes producer claims Ghislaine Maxwell admitted video exists of Donald Trump and Bill Clinton engaged in sexual activity at Epstein properties, but she “doesn’t know where they are”, except the ones shown at Mar-a-Lago Member Movie Night.

A white man from Tennessee was arrested for using former President Obama’s name and presidential seal on a handgun permit application. Cops grew suspicious when he entered the full name as The Rock Obama.

A new study claims Neanderthals were wiped out 42,000 years ago, from a climate crisis caused by a reversal of the Earth’s magnetic poles. “Yeah, bullsh*t” said velociraptors.

Retired MLB All-Star Johnny Damon was charged with DUI in Florida. Damon’s blood alcohol content of .200 was over twice the legal limit, but still got him dropped to eighth in the batting order.

$23,000 raised in a GoFundMe for ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ Tessica Brown is under investigation to ensure the money is directed properly. Until then, it’s stuck.

Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz teamed up to say they’re being fraudulent used as endorsers of CBD Oil products. They reemphasized their endorsements are exclusive to psychiatric quackery and miraculous cures like acai & green coffee bean extract.

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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.

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After an injection with mushroom tea, a man was discovered to have hallucinogenic ‘magic’ mushrooms growing in his blood. He opened a concession stand selling it to vampires at Phish concerts.

President Jimmy Carter posed with a guitar made with wood from a tree he’d planted. It sounds better than the one he had made from peanut shells.

Australia will euthanize a pigeon that flew all the way from Oregon. “Great, kill the messenger”, said the pigeon.

New Jersey teachers are outraged that smokers are prioritized to get the COVID-19 vaccine before they are, and are even more jealous of the hot-looking teachers who smoke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner reportedly prevented Secret Service agents from using the bathrooms in their house, so they had to rent a nearby apartment. However, as a goodwill gesture, Jared donated his old copies of Juggs magazine for them to read.

Donald Trump reportedly told aides not to pay lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s $20,000/day legal fees. Fortunately, after 40-plus failed lawsuits, Trump has accumulated enough Rudy Reward Points to settle most of his bill that way.

Airlines are temporarily banning passengers bound for Washington DC airports from checking firearms in their bags. However, Spirit Airlines is offering an in-flight deal where you can purchase a bulkhead row seat and handgun for just $449.

Newly-elected Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville called for delaying the inauguration of Joe Biden, and was informed the inauguration date is in the Constitution. He then asked one of his assistants how many timeouts he had left.

Melania Trump tweeted about the “legacy” of her Be Best anti-bullying inititative. So far as anyone can tell, the legacy is a truckload of Be Best t-shirts ready for shipping to the next victims of an earthquake.

NASA abandoned its InSight mission to drill 10 feet in to the surface of Mars, because the soil would clump and prevent the drill from entering. It’s now a race against time to get the drill back to Earth before Home Depot refuses to refund the purchase.

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National Geographic posted its top travel destinations for 2021, including Costa Rica and Faroe Islands. They succeed 2020’s top travel desinations, The Mailbox and The Grocery Store.

Music mogul Scooter Braun sold Taylor Swift’s master recordings for over $300 million. In other transactions, Lou Bega sold his master recordings to buy a scooter.

Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani said that losing post-election lawsuits is ‘part of their plan’ to get them appealed and heard by the Supreme Court. New York Jets Coach Adam Gase said his team’ 0-9 start is ‘part of their plan’ to get to the 2028 Super Bowl.

A Baby Yoda doll arrived on the International Space Station along with the NASA crew arriving via SpaceX. The doll will be flushed down the newly-installed space toilet to see how well it works.

A European Vega rocket failed at launch, destroying a communications satellite on board. The team’s leader blamed the accident on their choosing a 1974 Chevy Vega.

Amazon launched its online pharmacy on Tuesday. Customers can expect to have painkillers swiped off their porch on Thursday.

17 guests at a 300-person ‘superspreader wedding’ in Washington state contracted COVID-19. The bride and groom defended the party, saying they skipped champagne and filled guests’ glasses with Listerine and Remdesivir.

Several stores like Bass Pro Shops will still have in-store Santas, only kids will have to stand six feet away and yell to Santa that they want video games, bikes, and for Mom & Dad to stop fighting.

Ulysses ‘The Monster’ Diaz knocked out Donelei Benedetto in 3 seconds to record the fastest finish ever in a Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship bout. Diaz announced his next fight will be when Walmart opens on Black Friday.

Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds issued a mask mandate for all Iowans over age 2, along with a new slogan for the program, ‘Cover Your Cornhole’.

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Scientists at the California-based SLAC Digital Accelerator Lab have taken the world’s first 3,200-megapixel digital photos. Although roughly 2,000 of the megapixels are of a scientist’s index finger.

Donald Trump cast his early ballot in Florida, telling assembled reporters he voted “for a guy named Trump”. Adding “..no, not you, Eric”.

A second government-issued stimulus check may arrive in five waves. Which is why your mailman only financed his new Lexus for six months.

Folk singer Arlo Guthrie said he’s retiring from singing due to health setbacks – surprising fans who just assumed he’d already retired.

Model Ireland Baldwin – daughter of Alec – posted a topless photo with “I Voted” stickers covering her nipples. Republicans accused her of voting twice.

Cell phone video recorded a New York City police car broadcasting “Trump 2020” over its loudspeaker. Police officials ultimately suspended Officer Rudy.

A newborn baby was found in the lavatory of a Qatar Airways jet, and female passengers were appalled at being taken off the flight before departure to see if they’d just given birth. They wondered why they didn’t just examine women who asked for seat belt extenders.

Home Depot is starting its Black Friday sale three weeks early – givingkAmerican men three extra weeks to get terrible Christmas presents for their wives and girlfriends.

A house cat in Palm Harbor, Florida caught a two-headed racer snake in the wild and brought it home. The Florida Fish & Wildlife Institute is caring for the snake, while the cat patiently waits to visit the snake and bite both of the heads off.

NASA scheduled a press conference to announce “exciting new findings about the Moon” – which turned out to be an astronaut dropping his pants with “Gotcha” written on his buttocks.