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As he continues to lobby to be traded, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Jalen Ramsey skipped practice Monday, saying he’s sick and might have the flu. Then he was totally embarrassed when he ran into Jaguars Head Coach Doug Marrone in the lobby of the cinema showing Downton Abbey.

Melania Trump rang the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange on Monday. “Meddy Chreezmuss!” shouted Mrs. Stable Genius.

Viral video shows two bears fighting in the middle of a highway in British Columbia. The video was captured by the Grubhub driver delivering the salmon they were fighting over.

A McDonald’s in Sacramento is playing an unpleasant noise over an outdoor speaker to aggravate loiterers and homeless people so they’ll leave. Asked what the noise is, a McDonald’s manager said “it’s two Grimaces mating.”

An arrest warrant for sexual battery was issued for actor/comedian Andy Dick, according the LAPD’s Andy Dick Division, created to keep up with the frequency of his crimes.

Blac Chyna went on a dinner date with an unidentified new boyfriend, who put her toes in his mouth at their table. The waiter finally dropped off some bread to get him to stop.

Congress formed a group to combat youth vaping – meaning vaping will end up being bigger than ever.

Embattled NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown, released by the New England Patriots, reenrolled in classes at Central Michigan University where he played college football. Brown is glad to be on a college campus, where no one worries about sexual assault.

The annual Primetime Emmy Awards took place Sunday night, as confused American tv viewers asked themselves “are netflixes and hulus and primes tv? or is they movies?”

Motown released 60 unheard tracks from their vault. Some of them were songs from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and others; most of them were Joe Jackson abusing his kids to get them to work harder.

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HBO’s Game of Thrones won its fourth Outstanding Drama Emmy Award – but, once again, dragons were snubbed in all acting categories.

Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner were heckled and laughed at while presenting the Emmy for Best Reality Show. Hint – their show didn’t win.

Bruce Springsteen turned 70. His family couldn’t decide whether to get him a car or a woman, because in his songs they’re the same thing.

Former Scientologist Leah Remini discovered that her Scientologist father died a month ago. She was angry that she wasn’t told, but Scientologists said not to worry, a spaceship carrying his soul will meet up with her again soon.

Downton Abbey, the Movie topped the weekend box office with $31 million in ticket revenue. The number is expected to possibly double as elderly cheapskates invade multiplexes for $5 Tuesday.

Reacting to Antonio Brown’s dismissal from the New England Patriots and Twitter tirade, Dennis Rodman called Brown’s actions “How to Ruin Your Career 101.” Rodman then drove to a nearby community college where he teaches “How to Ruin Your Career 101.”

At the United Nations Climate Action Summit, a report warns that the Earth is on track for the warmest five-year period on record. Meanwhile, female climatologists at the meeting put on sweaters and ask for the thermostat to be turned up.

Romeo Santos made history as the first Latin artist to headline New Jersey’s MetLife stadium, drawing 80,000 to a sold-out show. His ability to draw a crowd that big to MetLife led to him being offered a job as starting quarterback for the New York Jets.

A child in Longview, Washington called 911 after getting off his school bus, telling the operator that the bus driver was drunk. The driver was subsequently arrested. Asked why he didn’t call while on the bus, the child said “Hey, I’m not walking home.”

Google is rumored to be buying Fitbit. Google is interested because your heartbeat is the one piece of your personal data they don’t already own.

 

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Claudia Ochoa Felix, a curvy brunette resembling Kim Kardashian and rumored head of the armed enforcement wing of the Sinaloa drug cartel, died over the weekend. Telemundo scrapped a reality show they were planning with Ochoa Felix, “Keeping Up With The Heroin Smugglers”.

An American Airlines mechanic accused of sabotaging a jet to collect overtime repairing it may have ties to terrorist groups, said investigators who noticed he got his degree from ITT Tech in Afghanistan.

  • American Airlines said they’re looking into it, and the only terrorists they know of working for the airline are bitter old flight attendants terrorizing passengers.

United Airlines said it’s changing the rules for pilot drinking. Pilots will need to stop drinking 12 hours before takeoff; the old rule said they need to stop 12 minutes before they land.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau admitted to wearing brownface in 2001 as part of an Aladdin costume. Trudeau said he was sorry, and that he remembered the evening for receiving the Worst Aladdin Costume award.

Instagram is restricting posts touting weight loss products and cosmetic procedures targeted at users under age 18, in what’s being called a major breakthrough in visibility for everyone over 50 on Instagram.

India banned vaping, citing government studies that it’s even more unhealthy than breathing outdoors in New Delhi.

The 2-0 Buffalo Bills have hired 600 police and security officials to curb rowdy fan behavior at their home opener. It’s the biggest police presence in Buffalo since their Super Bowl appearances, but those cops were always sent home at halftime.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Raekwon McMillAan said that, following a legal hit on Tom Brady in last Sunday’s game, he was told by a referee to “stay off Tom”. The ref was identified only as “Gisele”.

Amazon will now let you donate to presidential candidates using Alexa. “Okay stupid” said Alexa in response to an Amy Klobuchar donation.

A Rhode Island woman used a numbing agent for a toothache, then discovered it had turned her blood blue. Doctors are mystified, but the blue blood got her in to three exclusive country clubs.

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NFL Superstar Tom Brady spoke to ‘Men’s Health’ magazine for its September issue. The magazine asked healthy-eater Brady what foods he has on his “cheat days”. Brady said he doesn’t remember what he eats before he has the air let out of footballs.

The Supreme Court will hear the case of a blind man who claims he couldn’t order a Domino’s Pizza at their website. Lower courts ruled not being able to get Domino’s Pizza made the blind man lucky.

Comcast/Xfinity will now offer their $10 Internet Essentials broadband product to anyone on limited income or government assistance. A Comcast spokesman announced the move, saying “terrible customer service isn’t just for rich people anymore!”

In the wake of a mass shooting, President Trump will visit El Paso, Texas – although many residents want him to stay away. Trump has now visited the sites of so many tragedies, he asked aides if this visit is a “thoughts & prayers” one, or a paper-towel-tossing one.

Disney announced a remake of ‘Home Alone’ for its new Disney+ streaming service. The story reimagines Kevin McAllister as a kid with a cell phone, and the movie is over in ten minutes.

A Walmart employee is urging a workers’ strike to get the retailer to stop selling guns. Walmart executives are concerned that they won’t be able to tell the difference between the striking employees and the ones still on the clock.

Two robbers stole 1,567 gold coins valued at $2.5 million from Mexico’s mint. Police are on the lookout for suspects with saggy, noisy pockets.

Researchers in Asia developed Arque, a robotic tail to be worn by humans that assists them in maintaining balance. It’s designed to be worn when ascending steep inclines, carrying heavy objects, or if you’re a rich alcoholic.

Highway patrol officers have a new tool to detect drivers impaired by marijuana. It’s called the Drager DrugTest 5000. It consists of a mouth swab, and a voice assistant that asks “are you holding?”

Editors Note:

Philadelphia comedian, family man & friend Michael Brooks passed away on Monday. I worked with him lots of times. A great hugger, a fine & unique talent, and a performer that crowds loved and who always delivered a fun, energetic show. He’s survived by his wife and young daughter, so please keep some positive thoughts in memory of a great guy.DSC_2252 (1)

 

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Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos’ $38 billion divorce settlement is almost complete, according to a lawyer at a Lamborghini dealership.

New York City began enforcement of its styrofoam ban. Emergency rooms were overflowing with burn and ulcer victims as Dunkin started pouring coffee directly into customers’ mouths.

According to a new study, one in five Americans say they’ve been hurt by someone else’s drinking. Four out of five really appreciate having that wingman.

House Democrats are calling for the investigation of a Secret Facebook group where Border Patrol agents make jokes about migrant deaths and post vulgar images of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The group is launching their own investigation as to who wrecked the secret.

United Airlines apologized for putting a 14-year-old on the wrong international flight from Newark to Europe. They were able to get the teen on the correct flight, and compensated him with someone’s puppy they found in the cargo hold.

USA Today surveyed readers to find out the 25 most popular things they bought in the month of June. Not making the list? – USA Today.

Barnes & Noble opened a new store in Wilmington, Delaware. The new location is designed to be more customer-friendly, so they’ve widened the spaces between shelves to give drug addicts and vagrants more room to lie down.

Tom Brady posted an Instagram video of him cursing after hitting an errant tee shot while golfing, captioned with “when you forget the kids are in the cart”. Brady’s sons laughed, then got back to learning how to cheat at golf.

Walmart is using virtual reality headsets to test middle-management job candidates’ skills. So far, the virtual reality that elicits the best candidate response is the one where they work someplace other than Walmart.

A Bankrate.com study finds over 50% of Americans are losing sleep worrying about money – and are even more pissed off their Fitbits keep telling them they need more sleep.

University researchers in Mexico have created a form of biodegradeable plastic from the juice of the prickly pear cactus. Great news if you care about the environment and don’t mind slicing your lip open drinking bottled water.

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President Trump defended comments saying he’d accept dirt on a political rival from a foreign power, tweeting that he meets many international leaders, including the ‘Prince of Whales’ – the guy who won that Sumo tournament he watched in Japan.

The St. Louis Blues are National Hockey League champions after defeating the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of their playoff final. President Trump is expected to invite the team to the White House, including their newest star, Stanley Cupp.

Amanda Knox visited Italy for the first time since her 2011 acquittal of murdering her roommate. She’s expected to speak on a panel addressing media influence, and to admit that, despite spending four years in Italian prison, the food there is really great.

Singer Maren Morris posed topless for an upcoming issue of Playboy. She told fans “why don’t you just meet me in the middle?”…but was informed she didn’t get the centerfold.

You can now sign into your Google Account using iOS on an Android Phone. Try explaining that to your Dad.

Paul McCartney releases his first children’s book, ‘Hey Granddude’ in September. It’s about kids and grandparents having fun. His first manuscript ‘Grandpa Married & Divorced A Woman With a Prosthetic Leg’ was rejected by publishers.

American Airlines flight attendants are going to court to protest an attendance policy  they consider cruel. If a flight attendant accumulates 10 ‘points’ in a year for unapproved days off or lateness, a human resources rep stands & points to the exit as they’re fired.

The owner of Bombay Grill in Utah refused to allow military veterans to eat there because they were accompanied by service dogs. He defended his actions, saying the dogs tend to wipe out the whole buffet.

A German state is shutting down its Facebook page over privacy concerns, disappointing the many followers of Das Kitten Videosen.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, is reportedly pregnant with a third child, and the first she’ll carry in the absence of terrible golf puns.

The New England Patriots have filed tampering charges against the Houston Texans for allegedly courting Pats’ director of player personnel Nick Caserio for their vacant GM job. The NFL will review the case with both the pot and the kettle.

 

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New York City police seized 46 ice cream trucks for $4 million in unpaid tickets accumulated over 10 years. Owners will fight the charges, and Mister Softee was freed on $250,000 bail.

California lawmakers want to remove single-use plastic toiletry bottles from hotel rooms. Shampoo & conditioner will be placed in shower dispensers; to get hand lotion, men will need to bring their own or make an embarrassing purchase in the hotel gift shop.

April the Giraffe – mother of five calves at Animal Adventure in Upstate New York – is going on birth control, after a third zoo worker nearly died trying to put a condom on her boyfriend.

To prevent President Trump’s threatened tariffs on exports, Mexico offered to send its National Guard to the U.S. border, to make sure nobody enters the U.S. illegally without carrying drugs.

Doctors in New York removing a brain tumor from a 42-year-old woman ended up extracting a tapeworm. The parasitic worm was found to have consumed a lot of recipes and memories of Real Housewives episodes.

Michael Dougherty, director of ‘Godzilla: King of the Monsters’ said in an interview that any movie would be made better by Godzilla showing up 20 minutes in – drawing unanimous agreement from anyone who’s watched ‘Sex And The City’ films.

The New England Patriots gave out their largest-ever Super Bowl rings at a private party at Robert Kraft’s house – although Kraft asked two guests from Orchids of Asia Day Spa to remove theirs before the evening’s entertainment started.

New smartphones from banned Chinese manufacturer Huawei will ship without Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp. Huawei execs reassured concerned buyers that they’ll still find a way to harvest & sell personal data.

A Washington Post report claims Walmart workers in stores using robots feel undervalued performing tasks like cleaning & inventory delegated by the machines.  Walmart is reprogramming the robots to be more likable, teaching them to vape & make sexual remarks about coworkers.

2006 QV89, an asteroid wider than a football field, could hit Earth this year. Thousands of amateur astronomers are frantically giving it directions to the White House and Mar-a-Lago.

 

 

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A 70-year-old Oklahoma man was arrested in Arizona, driving in his underwear with his dead wife’s nude body in the passenger seat. The man said his wife died overnight at a hotel, but he decided to continue with their trip so he could use carpool lanes.

Alabama lawmakers passed a near-total ban on abortions, frustrating women’s reproductive rights advocates while boosting Florida tourism for pregnant Alabama teens looking for a long weekend.

Uber is offering ‘Quiet Mode’ for premium rides like Uber Black, where you can request that the driver not speak to you, thereby allowing women passengers to decide if they’d rather be creeped out by conversation or silence.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the number of children born in the U.S. dropped to its lowest level in 32 years – coinciding with a rise in the number of people saying they were Satisfied or Very Satisfied with their U.S. airline flight.

Claude Monet’s ‘Haystacks’ sold for $110.7 million at auction, setting a record for an impressionist work. The buyer was unidentified, but is rumored to be saving up for a new matching couch.

Roger Daltrey yelled at pot smokers near the stage at The Who’s Madison Square Garden show, saying he’s allergic to it and that it ruins his singing voice. The fans apologized and quickly switched to smoking meth.

Shooting on the 25th James Bond film was temporarily halted when star Daniel Craig’s ankle was sprained, not stirred.

Former NBA star Lamar Odom has a new memoir, admitting to cheating on ex-wife Khloe Kardashian, writing, “I couldn’t keep my d*ck in my pants or the coke out of my nose”. Co-author Chris Palmer is credited with help bringing this eloquent prose to the page.

Robert Kraft’s lawyers continue to argue against public release of Kraft’s massage parlor video, saying it will limit his right to a fair trial, and is already limiting his ability to hire massage therapists for the New England Patriots.

New lawsuits are threatening to disrupt the standard 6% commission structure for licensed realtors. Lawyers for the National Association of Realtors responded to the suits with arguments printed on magnets that the judges can put on their refrigerators.

 

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A 41-year-old California woman was arrested and charged for having sex with her daughter’s underage teen boyfriends. She avoided jail time, telling the presiding judge she thought this was how you become a high school math teacher.

A 22-year-old man died outside of a Chuck E Cheese in Alabama while changing his daughter’s diaper, when a loaded gun inside of the diaper bag fired, hitting him in the chest. A GoFundMe set up for the daughter has collected 10,000 Chuck E. Cheese tickets.

Beyonce released a new live album to coincide with ‘Homecoming’, the Netflix documentary of her 2018 Coachella performance. Critics are either raving about it, or avoiding being verbally beaten into submission by her fans on social media.

The NFL releases its 2019 schedule Wednesday night. On Thursday morning, Orchids of Asia Day Spa releases updated hours once they see which weekend the Patriots visit Florida to play the Dolphins.

The FDA has halted all use of transvaginal mesh in surgical procedures for women, and is also expected to ban transvaginal drywall.

An artist for the video game ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ claims detailed 3D drawings created for the game could help with the post-fire reconstruction of Notre Dame Cathedral. The Israeli Space Agency is checking to see if its destroyed Beresheet lunar lander could be rebuilt using artwork from Super Mario Galaxy.

Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg was heckled at a rally in Iowa. Buttigieg, who is gay, heard shouts of “remember Sodom and Gomorrah!” — referencing both the Bible, and Joe Sodom & Floyd Gomorrah who are seeking the Libertarian ticket nomination in 2020.

ADHD diagnoses have risen 30% over the past eight years. Noting the climb in obesity rates over the same span, doctors say the attention deficits are concerning, but the hyperactivity?…not so much.

President Trump announced that he’ll present Tiger Woods with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, commemorating Woods’ presidential traits of playing lots of golf and banging porn stars behind his wife’s back.

Time Magazine shocked observers by naming both Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford – who accused Kavanaugh of sexual assault – to the Time 100 list of ‘most influential people’. Following them on the list was the woman who coined the phrase “I just can’t even right now.”

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New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski announced his retirement. Gronkowski said he intends to start a think tank, then corrected himself and said he thinks he’ll get tanked.

People with mental health issues are three times more likely to have crippling debt, according to new research conducted by their $200-an-hour shrinks.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller completed his investigation, finding no cooperation between the 2016 Trump presidential campaign and Russia. Russia agreed, saying their work would have been too hard if they had to keep explaining what they were doing to members of the Trump family.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft issued a public apology for the sex at a Florida massage parlor to which he’s plead not guilty, — so who knows what, exactly, he’s apologizing for.

  • Florida police say they have video of Kraft performing a sex act with a massage parlor worker, having installed hidden cameras after attending a how-to seminar run by the New England Patriots video staff.

A Houston, Texas woman gave birth to three sets of twins in nine minutes, crediting the use of fertility drugs and the world’s first delivery room slip n’ slide.

Nikki Bella is retiring from the WWE, saying her body just can’t handle the punishment anymore. Bella had thought her body would recover once she stopped having sex with John Cena.

A drunk American Airlines passenger was arrested for urinating on a woman’s luggage during a Chicago-to-Charlotte flight. Fellow passengers were disgusted, but impressed with the stream that easily reached the overhead bin.

Ethiopia Airlines CEO said the pilots involved in the fatal crash of a Boeing 737 MAX 8 jet received the proper training. He didn’t say they passed it, but they got it.

Jordan Peele’s new horror film ‘Us’ debuted to $70.3 million in U.S. ticket sales, including $25 from two white ‘bro’s going out of their way to tell you how much it sucked.

Researchers reviewing the grade point averages of Florida school students found children born in September were the smartest. The study was completed over the course of several years as researchers tracked down enough Florida students that finished school.