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‘Walking Dead’ actor Scott Wilson died, but is expected to make unbilled cameos in future episodes.

After an 11-year-long study, Candystore.com declared that Skittles are America’s favorite Halloween candy.  Kids praised Skittles for being as easy to throw at their friends’ heads as candy corn, while also being fun to actually eat.

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley resigned, saying her decision had nothing to do with her boss being laughed out of the room during Show & Tell several weeks earlier.

Tristan Thompson departed for Cleveland to join the NBA Cavaliers, while girlfriend and Baby Mama Khloe Kardashian remained in L.A. with their daughter. Kardashian insists that they’re still together; Thompson describes it as more of an 82-game break.

A 27-year-old Indian man checked into rehab for what he described as a Netflix addiction – watching 7 hours of shows every day for 6 straight months. His girlfriend called the man ‘all Netflix, no chill’.

Alex Spanos, longtime owner of the AFL/NFL San Diego (now Los Angeles) Chargers, died. Players await a decision from Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office to see if they can kneel at the funeral.

Following Taylor Swift’s Instagram post promoting voting for Democratic Party candidates in Tennessee, voter registration spiked in the state. Newly-registered 18-year-olds in Tennessee are saying they can’t wait to vote for Taylor Swift.

A rare white tiger mauled a zookeeper to death in southern Japan. The tiger had been on a steady diet of red meat, but chose that day to try Japanese.

Struggling retailer Sears announced that it’s hired a bankruptcy expert to serve the company as an independent director. The expert is a bankrupt mom who still actually shops at Sears.

A man sued Disney, saying a Disney World employee ruined his marriage proposal by forcing him to move from his spot in front of Princess Castle because a parade was starting. He allegedly grabbed the employee, leading to his arrest and removal from the park. The employee was quoted as saying “Gollll-olll-eee!”

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Social media platform Path is closed down. “Where’d everybody go?” asked the one guy on Path who didn’t work at Path.

NFL players continued to express anger at officials enforcing new rules designed for player safety.  In Sunday’s games, referees threw 11 flags for Roughing The Passer, and another four for Hurting the Passer’s Feelings.

Taylor Swift caused controversy by endorsing Tennessee Democratic Senate candidate Phil Bredesen, who’s running against Republican incumbent Marsha Blackburn. Blackburn’s spokesperson said they plan to wait until Swift breaks up with Bredesen and writes a stinging kiss-off song about him.

In London, after selling for $1.4 million at Sotheby’s auction house, a painting from street artist Banksy shredded itself.  In south Philadelphia, a velvet airbrushed painting of Eagles QB Carson Wentz sold at a gas station for $30 and was later found shredded,  but the buyer’s wife denied doing it.

Microsoft said that they have a fix for files that are being deleted when pc users update to the latest version of Windows 10. They told customers to stay on the lookout for the patch, coming soon to Windows 14.

Stormy Daniels said she bumped into former Trump attorney Michael Cohen at an airport and that Cohen “said hi”. Daniels then boarded a flight to Los Angeles and “bumped into” six or seven other guys on the set of her new project.

Brewers of deep discount swill Natural Light are issuing a limited edition 77 Pack of 12-ounce cans. They say the 77 pays homage to 1977, the year of its creation – and also to the .77 blood alcohol content you’ll have when you die trying to finish it.

The newest food and beverage craze is CBD, or cannabidol, derived from the cannabis plant. Unlike THC, CBD has no psychoactive properties, so experts predict widespread first-time usage, followed by widespread anger at CBD dealers for selling liquid oregano.

President Trump praised First Lady Melania Trump’s visit to Africa, saying that she had done “a tremendous job representing our country in Africa– like no one has before.” Critics called his statement absurd, but fact-checkers agreed with the President, saying no First Lady visiting Africa had pulled off so many photo ops and costume changes.

A VICE article highlighted the disgusting trend of human feces being left on trails at some of the U.S.’s most popular national parks — citing visible piles of human waste at California’s John Muir Trail, Washington’s Olympic National Park, and Tennessee’s Dollywood.

Australian Apple Watch users experienced a glitch when the Apple Watch repeatedly failed after Australia moved to Daylight Savings Time. Apple CEO Tim Cook said they hadn’t anticipated Apple Watch customers caring how well the device kept time.

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Nintendo launched Nintendo Switch Online – its first-ever subscription service for console gameplay. Parents say the service is affordably priced at $19.99/year, but are concerned some of their kids have injured their heads repeatedly hitting them on boxes to come up with the money.

Nintendo added that the most popular racer in Mario Kart 8 is President Trump’s penis.

New Jersey authorities and citizens are on the lookout for an alligator spotted roaming in Southern New Jersey. State wildlife officials describe the reptile as “a large alligator with multiple gold chains.”

Maroon 5 is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime act. Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, site of the Super Bowl, is testing to see if the restrooms can handle the 30,000 additional people leaving their seats to not watch it.

Delta Airlines raised its checked baggage fees from $25 to the first checked bag to $30. Additional bags cost $40, up from $35. The good news is that animals dying on Delta flights no longer count as checked bags.

For Jimmy Fallon’s birthday on September 19th, he asked only that people perform a random act of kindness. So throughout America, people took the remote from their partner and shut off The Tonight Show.

Cargill Meat Solutions is recalling 132,600 pounds of ground beef products following an E. coli outbreak. The recall is the basis for the new “Look, it’s not us for once!” ad campaign at Chipotle.

The NFL is closing its 40,000 square foot ‘NFL Experience’ in New York’s Times Square.  The $37-per-ticket attraction was intended to replicate stepping out of the locker room and onto the field of an NFL stadium. Visitors were dissatisfied with having to pay for painkilling injections and CTE scans to take the field.

Coca-Cola is reportedly interested in investing in cannabis-infused soft drinks. Executives are excited over the profit potential in selling soda by the gram.

KISS announced their farewell ‘End of the Road World Tour’ on America’s Got Talent – and were voted off in favor of a 12-year-old girl ventriloquist.

America’s Got Talent’s newest champion is 26-year-old Shin Lim, a Canadian-born close-up magician; the runner-up is Zucaroh, an Austrian acrobatic group. The show concluded with a press conference from U.S.-citizen finalists calling for tighter immigration control.

 

 

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The NFL Arizona Cardinals opened their season yesterday at home in newly-renamed State Farm Stadium. It used to be called University of Phoenix Stadium, but the for-profit college dropped out.

Horror movie ‘The Nun’ led the weekend box office with a huge $53.5 million opening weekend. The Vatican is considering the production of a sequel, ‘The Priest’, to fund child abuse settlements.

Actress Olivia Munn claims that she was shunned by co-stars in her new film ‘The Predator’, for calling out a male cast member as a registered sex offender. Ironically, he wasn’t playing the title character.

North Korea marked its 70th Anniversary with a huge military parade. Watchers noticed that nuclear missiles weren’t showed off in the parade; it’s unclear whether this was a sign of North Korean decnuclearization, or if the missiles were en route to vacation in Hawaii.

CBS Entertainment CEO Les Moonves stepped down as three more women leveled accusations of sexual harassment against the exec. Moonves is expected to remain out of the spotlight, but may be redeemed as a guest in an upcoming episode of new CBS show ‘God Friended Me.’

Coincidentally, today is the season premiere of Moonves’ wife Julie Chen’s afternoon show ‘The Talk’ – or, as it’s now known, ‘The Talk About My Husband’s Penis’.

Subway’s CEO says that the company’s famous $5 Footlong is going away – but will live on forever in the material of terrible stand up comedians.

NFL fans tweeted their hatred of a new Carrie Underwood ‘Sunday Night Football on NBC’ theme song, ‘Game On’. It was the first time cable operators reported service outages due to customers’ simultaneous pressing of the Mute button.

President Trump tweeted that he would ‘write the real book’ to set the record straight on his administration, following claims of dysfunction set forth in Bob Woodward’s upcoming book, ‘Fear’. Trump then asked Sean Hannity if he wants to write a book.

A couple who raised $400,000 on GoFundMe for a homeless addict are being investigated for spending much of the money on themselves. Cops confiscated items from the couple, including a BMW and drugs, which they bought because they wanted get the homeless guy’s Xmas presents early.

 

 

 

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Actress Dawn Wells – Mary Ann from ‘Gilligan’s Island’ – is $200k in debt. Her friends started a GoFundMe to help the actress pay medical bills and recover money she lost from bad investments, like funding the Professor’s coconut-powered furnace.

Actor Geoffrey Owens from The Cosby Show – whose story went viral after he was spotted working at a Trader Joe’s – has been offered work by filmmaker Tyler Perry on a show for the Oprah Winfrey Network. Owens has yet to respond, but is reportedly disappointed at not being cast in Perry’s other project, ‘Madea Goes to Trader Joe’s.’

30 more people have reportedly become ill from salmonella-contaminated boxes of Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal. The Centers for Disease Control have expanded the cereal’s recall – purchasers are asked to return boxes with specific date codes, and that feature Dig ‘Em the Frog’s cartoon cousin, Puke ‘Em.

Viral video is circulating from a kid’s birthday party in Baton Rouge, where someone in a Minnie Mouse costume teaches kids to twerk while hip-hop songs play, including ‘Show Me How You Ride That D**k’.  The video shows the kids having a great time, but cuts out before Goofy makes it rain and Daisy Duck puts ’em on the glass.

Kim Kardashian visited the White House again to discuss prison reform and the release of Chris Young, jailed for life on non-violent drug charges. President Trump quickly got bored, stared at Kim’s chest and asked if she was interested in releasing two other prisoners.

The New York Times published an anonymous letter from someone claiming to be a senior Trump Administration official, alleging to work with other insiders to resist Trump’s agenda from the inside. Speculation abounds as to the author’s identity, with many insisting it’s the White House cleaning lady hiding the tv remote so Trump can’t watch Fox News.

Domino’s Pizza in Russia offered 100 free pizzas a year for life if followers tattooed the Domino’s logo on their body and shared it on social media. Domino’s halted the promo due to overwhelming response, proving Russia has a serious problem with bad pizza and bad tattoos.

According to dating website Match, singles in San Antonio, Atlanta and Baltimore spend the most money on dating every year, from $2,200-$2500.  That includes food, entertainment and, in Baltimore’s case, self-defense classes & weaponry.

7000 insects, spiders and lizards were reported missing from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion. No one knows what happened to the creatures, but the rats occupying a neighboring cheesesteak restaurant have reportedly hired lawyers.

Dunkin Donuts apologized for sending Philadelphia Eagles cups to New England-area stores, instead of the New England Patriots cups those stores usually get. No word on whether they’ll apologize for the beverages that they put in the cups.

 

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Former NFL lineman Richie Incognito was arrested at his father’s funeral for threatening funeral home employees– he reportedly was so deranged that he “wanted his father’s head cut off for research purposes”.  Funeral employees offered to cut Richie’s head off also as a 2-for-1 special, and let mourners guess whose brain shows signs of CTE.

National Inquirer tabloid CEO David Pecker was granted immunity in exchange for his testimony into Donald Trump’s alleged hush payments to women during the 2016 presidential election. Bill Clinton told friends he wishes he’d been granted ‘pecker immunity’ to avoid impeachment in the 90s.

The State Department orders a travel advisory for Americans headed to Mexico after 8 dead bodies were found near Cancun. Mexican officials called the 8 murders “a light day”.

A Florida judge who was arrested on firearms charges last week reportedly shot and killed himself amid a hostage standoff with police, but only after calling for a lengthy recess.

President Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani said that Americans “would revolt” if Trump gets impeached. “We would, but who has time cause we all have great jobs!” said sarcastic Americans.

GOP Rep. Duncan Hunter, indicted for stealing $250,000 in campaign funds for personal use, threw his wife Margaret under the bus, saying she was in charge of family and campaign expenses. It’s the first sign that Hunter’s legal team will be using the “Women Be Shoppin!” defense strategy.

President Trump told Fox & Friends that he thinks “flipping” – prosecution leniency in exchange for witness testimony – should be illegal. Trump appeared on the show holding a Glock while wearing a “snitches get stitches” wifebeater & a black nylon do-rag.

Physical therapists report a rise in treatment of injuries suffered while texting and walking — including sprains, concussions from falls, and massive total-body trauma from being hit by people texting and driving.

Netflix is testing advertisements that run between episodes and movies. Some users are outraged, while others are frustrated at not being able to binge watch old ladies falling who can’t get up.

Shares of Korean casino corporation Landing International crashed by 50% after word that the company’s CEO, Yang Zhihui, was missing and unreachable. Panic ensued after a company spokesperson said that they’ve “looked everywhere – even the Champagne Room.”

 

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New England Patriots QB Tom Brady is trying out a new helmet, since his old model is being phased out by the NFL for not offering sufficient protection. The new helmet has a protective panel in front – if an opposing player creates a breeze near it, the yellow flag automatically flies out of the referee’s pocket.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has issued a cease & desist letter to President Trump’s attorneys, demanding that Aerosmith songs no longer be played at the President’s rallies – as was the case this week in West Virginia, when ‘Livin On the Edge’ played before the event. Kid Rock said Trump could use his music – but attendees begged Trump not to.

Three men in Clearfield County, Pennsylvania are accused of sexually abusing dogs, horses, a cow and a goat more than 1,000 times. Authorities confiscated a “large volume of homemade videos” — along with a giant stash of peanut butter, several bottles of Polo cologne, and size XXXXXXL lingerie.

Students at Harriman Middle School in Tennessee started the school year by leaving brightly-colored notes with positive messages all around the school. Notes say things like “if you believe it or not, someone loves you”; “never give up – stay strong”; & “here’s a map with the fastest way out of Tennessee.”

A Harvard professor’s video calling coconut oil “pure poison” has gone viral. Coconut oil has a higher concentration of saturated fat than butter, beef fat or pork lard. The Harvard findings were disputed by The Professor on Gilligan’s Island, who claims coconut oil is necessary for survival.

Netflix will debut a new game show, ‘Flinch’, where contestants must follow one simple rule: do not flinch. So far, all of the contestants have been eliminated after being shown the first few minutes of Amy Schumer: The Leather Special.

A Democratic congressman from Texas has called for President Trump to resign or be impeached. “This is a sad time for our country” said Representative Al Green. His words were rebutted by a Republican congressman, who told Al Green “let’s stay together”.

Vidanta, a collection of premier destination resorts across Mexico, is offering a $120,000/year job to a lucky applicant to be their Brand Ambassador. A spokesman said the selected applicant will “immerse themselves in each of our resort destinations”. Candidates who ace the interview will also be asked to fly home with several condoms full of confectioners sugar in their lower intestine.

Ben Affleck has reportedly checked into rehab for a third time after wife Jennifer Garner staged an intervention. It’s Garner’s first time directing.

Kim Kardashian says she’s “really proud” of her 116-pound figure — adding that since each breast and buttock weighs 30 pounds, she’s had to suck a lot of helium.

 

 

 

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First Lady Melania Trump’s parents, Amalija and Viktor Knavs of Slovenia, became U.S. citizens this week. They recognized the milestone with an original speech that they co-wrote with their daughter, which they called the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’.

President Trump again criticized NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem during preseason games, leading Commissioner Roger Goodell to launch an investigation to find out how Fox News aired NFL preseason football games.

According to a survey from Match.com, New York had the highest 2016 average cost of a date – two restaurant dinners, a bottle of wine and two movie tickets – at $297. The measure doesn’t include the cost of pepper spray and a getaway Uber for dates who choose not to have sex after someone spent almost three hundred bucks.

HGTV won the bidding and purchased The Brady Bunch House in California. They plan to feature the home in a new remodeling show, where three men and three women restore the interior while forming a really crappy band.

A new University of Michigan study of online dating behavior looked at tens of thousands of messages in four U.S. cities: Chicago, Seattle, New York & Boston; and found that Asian women and older white men received the most messages. Although it turned out the study authors found that the older men were repeatedly messaging Asian women, who repeatedly messaged back to leave them alone.

According to Nielsen ratings, Nickelodeon’s ‘Henry Danger’ is the #1 rated show on cable tv among teens aged 12-17, except in households where parental controls have been cracked, where the top show is Anything With Nudity.

In Conestoga, PA, a septic truck driver lost control and flipped his truck in to a homeowner’s backyard pool. Asked to describe the smell of diesel fuel, oil and human waste, the fire chief told reporters “use your imagination…..or, just visit Wildwood Beach, New Jersey.”

Buffalo Wild Wings is considering allowing sports wagering in its 1,200 restaurants, saying they think customers will want to gamble on games — and lose — the same way they gamble — and lose — on ‘B-Dubs’ overpriced wings.

The world’s oldest hotel, Nishiyama Onsen Keiunkan, a resort near Mt. Fuji, has been managed by the same family for 52 generations and been open since 705 A.D. The new issue of Travel & Leisure magazine recognized them for having ‘the world’s oldest, most disgusting duvet covers’.

Facebook is shutting down ‘Friend List Feeds’, the customized feeds that showed only posts from select people. Facebook will be replacing it with ‘New Russian Friends Whether You Like It Or Not’.

 

 

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Facebook is in talks with banks to add your personal financial information to Messenger. “You Are Now Connected to the Hacker Who Will Drain Your Checking Account On Messenger” reads the notification that Facebook is preparing.

Bankruptcies among senior citizens have tripled since 1991 — explaining the Osmond Family Good Time Review playing to near-empty theaters in Branson, Missouri.

The long-horned tick, an invasive new species, is spreading in the U.S. The tick sucks up so much blood it can barely stand on its own. Experts say if you see one, grab it by its cane or walker and kill it.

Police were called after Kendall Jenner’s Doberman pinscher bit a young girl at an outdoor café. Jenner at first denied it, but was then showed the dog’s 500,000-follower Instagram account where it posted a picture biting the child’s hand with the caption “OMG I luv me sum bites on baby hands”.

The United States moved to restore economic sanctions against Iran that have been waived for the past two years. Among them, Iran will no longer be able to spend U.S. dollars, and their Amazon Prime privileges will be revoked, so they’ll have to settle for standard shipping.

Former White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was spotted boarding Air Force One for President Trump’s trip to a campaign rally in Ohio. However, since Hicks was in Boarding Group 6, she had to gate-check her bag because the overhead bins were all full of Diet Coke and KFC.

Singer Carrie Underwood is catching heat for saying that, at age 35, she thinks she missed out on the chance to have a “big family” to join her husband and 3-year-old son. Meanwhile three different 40+ Duggar women gave birth to seven children in the time it took Underwood to finish her quote.

Apple, Spotify, YouTube & Facebook removed Alex Jones InfoWars content. Jones and his fans complained but the four platforms said it never happened, it was all a hoax.

A masked man entered the studio of Wisconsin radio station WORT FM and fired a gun at three disc jockeys working there. One dj was struck in the buttocks and was treated for minor injuries; the other two were uninjured. The shooter remains at large, still angry that they wouldn’t play ‘Mr. Roboto.’

According to a CNBC profile, fewer than 1% of applicants to be Delta Airlines flight attendants get the job, compared to 4.8% of Harvard applicants who are accepted. “What’s Harvard Airlines?” asked a new Delta flight attendant.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Rams and New Orleans Saints will be the first two teams to welcome men to their respective cheerleading squads this season. The men will be held to the same rules against fraternizing with the players — you know which ones.

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WWE’s stock price soared after releasing quarterly earnings. Executives attributed profits to cost savings from not having to buy wedding gifts for Nikki Bella and John Cena, and the robust U.S. economy providing more money for dumb people to buy WWE stuff.

Kristen Stewart has been cast as an Angel in the Charlie’s Angels movie reboot–where the Angels confront criminals and bore them to death.

Facebook had the worst day in U.S. stock market history, losing $132 billion in market value after forecasting slower earnings growth. It was so bad, Mark Zuckerberg vaguebooked “man, I can’t believe it” and received two million comments asking “what’s wrong?”

Over 700 immigrant children have yet to be reunited with their parents or families after being separated by Trump’s zero-tolerance immigration policy. What’s worse is that the Trump administration is charging the parents overtime for each hour they don’t arrive to pick up their kids at Donnie’s Day Care.

With over 200 cases reported since February, the Centers for Disease Control issued warnings for those raising chickens in their backyard to guard against salmonella. People are reminded to wash their hands, wear specific shoes while around the chickens and, if you live in the Deep South, use condoms.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones insists that players who want to remain on the Cowboys will need to stand for the National Anthem. Although they’ll still probably sit for the playoffs.

Amazon is beginning to roll out collaborative ‘wish lists’. They say it’s a great way for couples who loved specific wedding gifts to ask for duplicates before the divorce.

Apple announced free repair for its consumer devices that were damaged in the Japanese floods – just provide your name, address and device type and Apple will send you a large bag of rice.

New York City officials are moving to restrict the number of Uber and Lyft vehicles on the road, blaming rideshare cars for congestion, lower driver wages, and reduced opportunities for traditional cabbies to sexually harass passengers.

John ‘Papa John’ Schnatter is suing the company he founded, Papa John’s Pizza, to review internal documents related to his firing for using the n-word.  Papa John’s lawyers sent their response to Schnatter — late, tasteless, in a box with two wrinkled banana peppers.