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The New York Times asked classical music critics to evaluate Bradley Cooper’s orchestra conducting as Leonard Bernstein in ‘Maestro‘. They agreed to do it on one condition – that they not have to watch the whole movie.

A judge ordered Rudy Giuliani to “immediately” pay the $148 million defamation settlement he owes to two Georgia election workers. Execs at GoFundMe reminded Giuliani he can’t run 148 million fundraisers at a time.

Apple plans to launch a “mixed reality” headset next year – with technology combining virtual & augmented reality. They’re inviting customers to Apple Stores to try it out and envision a reality where they have thousands of dollars to buy it.

For nearly 40 years, a set of human remains believed to be a victim of Seattle’s Green River Killer was known only as ‘Bones 17’. Advances in DNA technology finally provided investigators with a name: ‘Female Bones 17’.

TSA officers at New York’s LaGuardia Airport found 17 bullets in a clean disposable diaper in the carry-on bag of a male passenger bound for Chicago. He’s being investigated along with a 14-month old accomplice arrested with a concealed handgun.

Today marks the Winter Solstice – the longest night of the year. Or, second-longest next to the night of your kid’s school Christmas Pageant.

Starbucks CEO wants people to stop protesting the Israel/Hamas war at their stores – and get back to being dicks about how their half-caf, triple-vanilla-shot, soy milk, whipped cream, caramel drizzle frappucino order is wrong.

Jennifer Lopez says she still struggles with PTSD from the media attention over her first romance with Ben Affleck over 20 years ago, and embarrassment over being kicked out of a support group for veterans who served in Iraq.

An artificial intelligence death calculator developed at Technical University of Denmark reportedly predicts a person’s death date with uncanny accuracy. Although it keeps crashing from millions of people typing their spouse’s name into it.

A Michigan couple is suing their school district, saying their daughter was allowed to use male pronouns and take a new name without their permission. The district said the girl had merely gotten the lead as Kris Kringle in a school play.

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Some California McDonald’s locations are offering COVID-19 vaccinations. Customers are happy with the free vaccine, but say the salt that workers shake onto the shot site kinda hurts.

Johnson & Johnson is exiting the opioid business, after paying out settlements to thousands of babies addicted to No More Tears w/Opioids Shampoo.

The Pacific Northwest is breaking climate records, with temperatures topping 100 degrees. Residents of Portland & Seattle are experiencing record cases of heat stroke; they want to support the sun because its product is cage-free and organic.

President Biden believes he’ll be able to pass a record infrastructure spending bill, creating thousands of good jobs and millions of angry Americans stuck in construction traffic.

Shootings in Chicago resulted in 63 wounded and 3 killed, in what officials are calling “Saturday”.

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled teachers must complete police training in order to carry guns in school. Ohio cops are making extra money on the weekend watching teachers shoot paper targets of unarmed students.

Kamala Harris finally visited the U.S./Mexico border and defended the timing of her trip – saying she got an even better rate at the Cancun Ritz Carlton than Ted & Heidi Cruz did a few months ago.

Afghans who assisted U.S. troops during the war will be relocated by the Biden Administration to protect them from Taliban retribution. That’s the good news, the bad news is they’re being relocated to North Dakota.

Scientists discovered a way to combine bacteria with plastic waste to create vanilla flavoring. They expect it to take a few more months before it’s used in a McFlurry.

Cardi B performed while pregnant at the BET Awards. However, she was on a strict ‘No Twerk’ order from her doctor to keep from concussing the baby.

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New York City officially banned defecating on buses and the city subway. Philadelphia is considering a similar ban, but City Council doesn’t want commuters to change who they are.

Cake Boss Buddy Velastro’s hand was impaled on a steel rod as he tried to fix the pin resetter at his home’s bowling alley. Doctors worked feverishly to pick up the split between his 7th and 10th fingers.

A brain wrapped in tin foil washed up on a Wisconsin beach. It was unwrapped so the federal government could see what it was thinking.

The San Diego Chargers team doctor accidentally punctured QB Tyrod Taylor’s lung while giving him a painkilling injection for bruised ribs. The Chargers are now looking for a new doctor and shorter needles.

Tom Cruise and director Doug Liman will ride a SpaceX rocket into outer space to film a new movie. Though some are questioning why they need the International Space Station to film ‘Cocktail 2’.

Pro tennis players are angry that they must stay at one of two approved hotels in order to play in the French Open. They’re even more angry learning one of them is the Ramada Inn.

California is banning gas-engine car sales after 2035. Dealerships announced killer deals blowing out the last of the 2034 Kias.

A pregnant wife came to the aid of her husband after he was attacked by a shark in the Florida Keys. The man is okay, and the wife refused the shark’s request to touch her belly.

Money Magazine released its 50 Best Places to Live. “Wait, I don’t see us” said residents of Louisville, Portland, Seattle and the hills outside Los Angeles.

A Vietnamese factory was cited for washing 320,000 used condoms and reselling them as new. However, government leaders praised citizens for embracing safe sex and recycling.

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A Chicago woman in her 20s received a rare double-lung transplant after recovering from COVID-19. “What a set of lungs!” said men looking at her, for a different reason than usual.

A couple in Thailand was sentenced to 723 years in prison for pulling a scam on customers of their seafood restaurant. The scam was opening a Long John Silver’s.

A new book claims Melania Trump renegotiated her prenuptial agreement as a condition of moving to the White House. The contract’s White House Amendment was added just below the Banging Porn Stars Amendment.

Pro golfers gathered in Fort Worth, Texas for the Charles Schwab Challenge, as the PGA Tour resumed inaction.

Fox News evening host Sean Hannity is reportedly dating Fox & Friends morning host Ainsley Earhardt. Hannity would not confirm, saying “I do not discuss my personal life in public … only crazy conspiracy theories and bigotry.”

Seattle protestors took over several Capitol Hill city blocks to create a police-free Autonomous Zone. It has a smoking area, a medic station, several shrines to victims of police violence, and six Starbucks.

Kelly Clarkson filed for divorce from husband Brandon Blackstock. She changed the title of her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone’ to ‘Now That U Gone’.

Wayne Brady’s Instagram post – a Whose Line Is It Anyway? improv sketch about racism -has gone viral, marking the first time millions of people willingly watched improv.

Google’s video-calling app, Google Meet, rolled out noise cancellation to minimize background annoyances like dogs barking and keyboard clicks. Though some users claim noise cancellation results in their bosses’ ideas going silent.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner celebrated the five-year anniversary of their parent Caitlyn Jenner’s gender transition, which they commemorated with a platinum Life Alert bracelet.

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Tinder is testing live in-app trivia. Games include ‘Am I Married?’; ‘What Strains of Herpes Do I Have?’; & ‘What’s In My Underwear?’

Seattle is closing 20 miles of city streets to most vehicular traffic so residents can exercise and bike on them. They’ll also retrain dozens of cops to spot and arrest Big Wheel DUIs.

Lyft is requiring riders and drivers to wear masks and to state that, to the best of their knowledge, they don’t have COVID-19 symptoms. Only then can they proceed to creep each other out.

Google is unifying all of its messaging & communications apps into a single team, to be known as The Google-Alphabet/Google Chat/Gmail/Google Duo/Google Meet/Google Hangouts/Google Messages…team.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver held a conference call with players, explaining that he didn’t know when or if fans could return to games and – more importantly – when groupies & hos would return.

The average number of passengers on a commercial U.S. airline flight during the pandemic is 23. The average number of lost bags is 20.

Diplo’s 30-year-old girlfriend Jevon King gave birth to their child. And baby makes Triplo.

Nutritional yeast, also known as ‘nooch’, is growing in popularity as a snack seasoning. It’s also what your girlfriend means when she says she has a nooch infection.

A London man whose Mount Everest climb was postponed due to the pandemic simulated it by walking up and down a flight of stairs 6,506 times in 24 hours & 30 minutes. To make it more realistic, he turned the temperature down and littered the stairs with dead bodies.

Paul L. Vazquez, the viral sensation “Double Rainbow Guy”, passed away at age 57, and will now be somewhere over them.

 

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Congressional Democrats announced their plan to proceed with Articles of Impeachment. Republicans announced their plan to try to get Trump to read them by drafting a Pop-Up Book of Impeachment.

Hillary Clinton appeared on The Howard Stern Show and denied ever having a lesbian affair or attraction to women – despite the disappointing effect it had on 30-year-old Bill Clinton.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is stepping down. United will hold a press conference to introduce the new CEO, and for Munoz to be ceremonially dragged out of his office by flight attendants.

Walmart.com will sell the KFC Fried Chicken-scented firelog “while supplies last” – which should be a while as folks in Mississippi learn how to order stuff on the internet.

Medical journal The Lancet reports millennials with high cholesterol are at greater risk of heart attack, stroke, and getting punched out in line at Popeye’s.

New pro football league XFL debuted the uniforms and logos its teams will wear when the league kicks off in February, 2020, and which will appear on t-shirts worn by children in third-world countries later in the year.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he will not fire head coach Jason Garrett mid-season – unless the season you’re talking about is “spring”.

Website 24/7 Wall Street compiled the 40 Worst U.S. Cities to Drive In based on fatalities and traffic congestion. Nine of the top ten are in California, the other top-ten city is Seattle, and nobody at 24/7 Wall Street has ever visited New Jersey.

Sergei Brin and Larry Page, founders of Google and its parent company Alphabet, are turning over all management responsibilities to CEO Sundar Pichai. They say they’ll meet periodically with Pichai behind closed doors, piles of money, and an army of supermodels.

The Masked Singer revealed the identity of its latest eliminated contestant, former Destiny’s Child member Michelle Williams. Williams thanked the show for helping her regain confidence and to help pay Bills, Bills, Bills.

 

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The first food truck exclusively for dogs debuted in Seattle. It was open for a day before it was totaled by the dog driving it.

Acquitted child murderer Casey Anthony is reportedly considering having another child. She’s been interviewing nannies who don’t necessarily have to be good with children.

Police and medical personnel were called to a Philadelphia city school when several junior high students ate rice krispies treats containing marijuana. A school guidance counselor led an emergency assembly to teach students how to vape their pot instead.

A son who murdered his investment banker father after his weekly allowance was cut from $1,000 to $300 was convicted and sentenced to 30 years to life. He’s still pretty stoked, since $300 a week goes a long way at the prison store.

Christie Brinkley posted a photo on Instagram of her severely bruised arm, which led to her subbing in her daughter Sailor on Dancing With The Stars. The bruise is so bad, everyone wondered where DWTS contestant Ray Lewis was when it happened.

Tech entrepreneur Alexander Rhodes and founder of “porn recovery” site NoFap told CNN he was addicted to porn when he was 12 years old until he turned 25. He thanks his life turnaround to abstinence from masturbation and a new prosthetic arm.

Rutgers named Nunzio Campanille interim head football coach, firing Chris Ash after losing their last three games by a combined 112-16. Asked if he thinks the 1-3 team will go to a bowl game, Coach Nunzio said “ay, fuggeddaboutit!”.

Elon Musk said a SpaceX rocket could reach Mars next year. All it needs is a recharging station on the moon.

Forever 21 declared bankruptcy and will close 178 stores, in what they’re calling The Big So-Much-For-Forever Sale.

CNN posted a list of the best questions to ask during a job interview. Not on the list: “Are those real?”

 

 

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Jeana Wesson, a Texas high school science teacher, was charged with locking the door of her classroom and molesting a 17-year-old student. Wesson was the boy’s chemistry teacher – and successfully convinced him that they had it.

Kylie Jenner accused boyfriend & baby-daddy Travis Scott of cheating after looking at his cell phone. Scott stayed in California to be with Jenner, cancelling a show in Buffalo, which everyone says he was really, really looking forward to.

Amazon is discontinuing Dash Buttons – which they created for easily reordering products. So now smooth operators accustomed to pressing a button to reorder Trojan condoms have an even better excuse for not having one.

Amazon also announced plans to open a new chain of grocery stores separate from Whole Foods, after surprising customer research found many Amazon Prime members weren’t pretentious organic-obsessed jerks.

Johnny Depp is suing ex-wife Amber Heard for $50 million, claiming defamation of character and alleging Heard had an affair with Elon Musk. Heard is expected to present a simple defense, claiming she couldn’t defame Depp’s character more than ‘Mortdecai’.

Volvo will limit the top speed of its cars to 112 mph in an effort to improve safety and reduce the risk of fatal accidents, and was dropping its sponsorship of the Soccer Mom Drag Racing Association of New Haven, Connecticut.

Melania Trump begins a three-city tour in support of her ‘Be Best’ anti-bullying initiative. Today, the First Lady will visit a school in Tulsa, followed by a visit to a technology company in Seattle. Nordstrom is now, apparently, a technology company.

Nintendo announced discounts on Mario-themed video games for March 10, Mario Day. Moms are busily practicing corny Italian accents to say “I’m-a not-a getting it for-a you..”

Enterpreneur Marc Köhlbrugge launched Expensive Chat, a web-based chat service where every character typed costs a penny. Köhlbrugge thinks the idea could be further developed, as soon as he figures out how to keep users from quitting because there’s no way to post nude selfies.

Ariana Grande made history in February, becoming the first artist since The Beatles to have all three top songs in the Billboard Hot 100, and the first to do it without possessing any musical talent.

 

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The remnants of Hurricane Ophelia hit Ireland’s west coast, with wind speeds of roughly 109mph. Those wind speeds are expected to accelerate to 250mph in any story an Irish guy tells about it next year.

Astronomers for the first time observed a collision between neutron stars, which created gravitational waves and sent gold, platinum and lead hurtling through space. The historic observation may provide partial answers to age-old questions such as “What is the origin of the universe?’ and “How did Superman’s dad on Krypton get so rich?”

A Texas juvenile center employee confessed to stealing $1.2million worth of fajita shipments over a 9 year period. He was apprehended after warning an undercover agent to be careful touching the fajitas because they were extremely hot.

The University of Chicago Divinity School named its first-ever Jewish dean. Students praised new Dean Laurie Zoloth, and her plan to institute 30 new religious days off that enrollees have never heard of before.

Police in Seattle responded to a call where a man wielding deer antlers attacked someone at a downtown shelter. Seattle PD later released a photo of an officer posing with the 12-point homeless buck he shot. [h/t to J. Levytsky]

According to The New Yorker, President Trump repeatedly makes jokes at Vice President Pence’s expense. During a conversation on gay rights, Trump allegedly said “don’t look at him, he wants to hang all of them!”. Pence corrected Trump, saying he said that all the gays he’s met are hung.

Netflix told investors at their quarterly earnings report that they’ll spend up to $8 Billion on programming in 2018, up from a projected $6 Billion in 2017.  The money will go to increased acquisition costs as studios like Disney start their own streaming services, and to build/populate a women’s prison for Orange Is The New Black.

President Trump said that he and embattled GOP Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell are “closer than ever before”; adding that McConnell is “like a Miss USA contestant to me.”

Police were summoned to the Quaker Bridge Mall in New Jersey, where a man stripped naked, sat in a massage chair on the mall concourse, and punched an officer. Later, the man explained that he’d been on his feet all day exposing himself to Victoria’s Secret shoppers, and needed to rest. [h/t to M. Brooks]

The President plans a written order to declare a national emergency on opioids sometime next week, after the shoulder soreness from golfing is addressed.

A two-star Army general has been relieved of his command for texting the wife of a sergeant in his unit to call her a ‘hottie’. An Army spokesman said that the texts compromised morale, since the general didn’t call all of the enlisted men hotties, too.