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Netflix is phasing out its $11.99 Basic plan. Soon you’ll no longer be able to Netflix & Chill with a Basic bitch.

Joe Biden dropped out of the Presidential Race and will no longer seek reelection. He will, however, serve out the remainder of his term and continue to receive Secret Service protection from his dogs.

Cardi B. expressed excitement at the possibility of VP Kamala Harris being elected, saying she was sick of having a WAP – White Ass President.

Donald Trump said he was saved “by luck or by God” in his recent assassination attempt. “Definitely luck”, said God.

JD Vance’s wife, Usha, is the target of racist banter because of her Indian heritage. Donald Trump defended her, saying he’ll happily let her occupy Vice Presidential living quarters depending on how her credit report looks.

Israel President Benjamin Netanyahu is visiting Washington, and said his country will remain an ally of the U.S. no matter who replaces Biden, so long as they’re cool with bombing civilians in hospitals.

Delta Airlines cancelled more flights as it struggles to recover from the Microsoft/Crowdstrike outage. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines said they’re running at a full schedule with drunken cheapskate passengers pummelling each other in Crowdstrikes over armrests and whatnot.

Cuba said one million citizens left the country in the past two years. They also said there’s a nationwide shortage of tires because they’re all being used to make rafts to leave Cuba.

By the end of the week, all NFL players will be expected to report to their team’s Training Camp, or to the remaining dates of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour.

A Nigerian man played mobile game Dream League Soccer 2023 for 75 consecutive hours, setting a new Guinness World Record. Observers called it every bit as exciting as watching real-life soccer.

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Burberry hired their fourth new CEO in 10 years to help turn around the struggling apparel & accessories retailer. “Maybe we give paisley a try!” he said, and was fired.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT was asked who would be the best replacement candidate for Joe Biden. No word yet on whether Taylor Swift would accept the nomination.

Trump-appointed federal judge Aileen Cannon threw out the classified documents felony case against him, saying it was unconsitutional. She then offered Trump use of her shredder.

A bandaged Donald Trump appeared at the Republican National Convention, as thousands of delegates and attendees cheered his name within earshot.

Lindsay Lohan & Jamie Lee Curtis are reprising their 2003 roles as filming commences on Freaky Friday 2. In it, the now-adult Lohan character switches bodies with her daughter, who spends the next 80 minutes looking for cocaine.

New Balance announced a partnership with the WNBA, in the hope of expanding the fan base among senior lesbians who lack anything in common with many players beyond that one thing.

Trader Joe’s ‘Everything But The Bagel’ seasoning is banned in South Korea because it contains poppy seeds. When mature, poppies are used to make opiates. It’s also banned in North Korea at Trader Un’s.

A food safety scandal is rocking China, as a major state-owned food company is accused of transporting cooking oil in the same tankers as fuel, without cleanings in-between. Consumers are worried about fuel contaminating their food, but drivers are kind of happy that their car smells like a wok.

Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Teoscar Hernandez won the 2024 MLB All-Star Home Run Derby. The contest was highlighted by the early elimination of well-known players, and the elimination of singer Ingrid Andress from consideration singing the national anthem ever again.

Princess Cruises broke a world record for the largest pizza party, serving 60,000 slices of pizza simultaneously across multiple ships. Then they set sail and subsequently broke the record for largest oceanic vomit patch.

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A Missouri woman was arrested for putting Roundup weed killer in her husband’s soda after he wasn’t “appreciative” of the 50th birthday party she threw. The husband called police after noticing his Diet Mountain Dew tasted better.

Heavy rains struck Iowa, causing flooding and leading to concerns of a ‘fecal soup’ as manure storage facilities are damaged. Iowans say they might try the fecal soup, since the food options there are pretty limited.

Police in Los Angeles are considering criminal charges for whoever may have supplied late actor Matthew Perry with a lethal dose of ketamine. Persons of interest include Ugly Naked Guy and Fun Bobby.

More bars & restaurants are restricting entry to customers 30 & over. They say it cuts down on the number of loud, rowdy patrons, and keeps the servers from having to repeatedly say they don’t take Venmo or CashApp as payment next week sometime.

For the second year, Philadelphia was named the Most Walkable City In America by USA Today. For the tenth straight year, it was also named the Most Runnable City While Holding a Stab or Gunshot Wound by the American Medical Association.

Democrats are scrambling to limit the damage caused by President Biden’s disappointing performance in the first presidential debate – seeing if they can move the second debate to Amazon Prime Video or Peacock so fewer people will see it.

The NFL was fined $4.7 billion for violating antitrust laws by selling its ‘Sunday Ticket’ package of out-of-market games solely to DirecTV, and at an inflated price. Damages will be awarded to 26 million household & business customers, with extra punitive damages to anyone who paid specifically to watch Cleveland Browns games.

Oprah Winfrey said in an interview that she once declined an invitation to ‘Miami Vice’ star Don Johnson’s Christmas party because she was too fat – adding she was concerned Crockett would think she was Tubbs.

Taco Bell has entered the ‘Value Meal’ wars with the $7 Luxe Cravings deal. It includes a Chalupa Supreme taco, a 5-layer burrito, a double-stacked taco, chips with nacho cheese sauce, a medium drink, Immodium, and a note from the manager explaining why you can’t come to work tomorrow.

Riders of the New York City subway are concerned about plastic zip ties that appear to be used to hold parts of the track together. The transportation authority replied saying they’re not a concern, they’re just left over from damsels in distress being tied to the tracks by guys in top hats and capes.

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In San Francisco, driverless robotaxi Waymo ended their trial period and now opened up service to everyone. Three homeless people with no means to pay have been sharing the same ride around town for a week.

The City of Wilmington, Delaware opened an ‘outdoor classroom’ in Cool Springs Park. A dozen squirrels and raccoons have already dropped out.

Queen sold its music catalog to Sony for $1.26 billion. The original amount was slightly higher, but Queen had to pay Sony several million dollars to take ‘Radio Gaga’.

Snapchat introduced new safety features to protect teen users. Teens now need a parent’s permission to send a picture of their breasts or penis to some guy they just met.

Totally Cool ice cream company is recalling over 60 brands of ice cream for possible listeria contamination. The brands include Friendly’s, and eating the ice cream could result in a Jim Dandy case of nausea and diarrhea.

The Supreme Court ruled that the White House and FBI can instruct social media companies to remove disinformation. This means Facebook, X, Instagram and others could be responsible for removing deepfake videos, election falsehoods, and every layer of filters on Kardashian/Jenner photos.

Viral home security video shows an Illinois man chasing off an intruder by swinging a frying pan until police arrived and asked if the man could put down the frying pan and make them breakfast.

71-year-old Marissa Tiejo is the oldest contestant to compete for the title of Miss Texas. For the talent competition, she drank a 16-ounce bottle of water and remained on stage for a full 30 minutes.

72-year-old Bill Belichick and his 23-year-old girlfriend Jordan Hudson have reportedly been living together for months. Hudson reportedly moved in after Belichick opened up his bedroom for Mandatory Off-Season Workouts.

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Hunter Greene vomited on the mound during a pitching appearance. The contents of his stomach were clocked at 94 mph.

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A woman known only as Kait, who flashed her breasts at an Edmonton Oilers playoff hockey game, signed with Playboy, where she’s expected to inspire a lot of high sticking.

Donald Trump said he wants UFC fighters to battle migrants. For their part, the migrants want to know what they’ll get paid for the fight.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu said the “intense” part of the war with Hamas will end soon, shifting to a more “casual” phase of killing civilians and children.

Climate protesters with smoke grenades charged the 18th green at the Travelers Open golf tourney. They were arrested and taken to a local jail where they were told to “get in the hole”.

Retired Denver Broncos lineman-turned-broadcaster Mark Schlereth called retired New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, 72, a “pig” for dating 23-year-old Jordan Hudson. Asked for comment, Belichick said “oink” as he removed Hudson’s clothes.

A new study finds the number of Americans with a “poor diet” dropped from 49% in 1999 to 37% in 2020. Conversely, the number of Americans considered “poor” and “on a diet” doubled over the same span.

The late Alex Trebek will appear on a Forever postage stamp. Post office customers will tackle the category U.S. Geography and be required to point to the state on the map where they’re mailing the letter.

Severe storms caused dozens of flight delays at Philadelphia International Airport, leaving travelers stranded and angry, and baggage handlers well-rested.

Research from Cornell University finds couples are more likely to discuss financial problems if they feel the problem is solvable. Couples who think the problem is unsolvable are more likely to discuss which one of them buys the lottery tickets.

‘House of the Dragon’ star Olivia Cooke wants to know why her orgasm was cut from a sex scene in Episode 2, Season 2. So does the dragon.

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The NFL released its 2024-25 regular season schedule, and announced that Netflix will have exclusive rights to air two Christmas Day games. Thanksgiving games will be split between AppleTV+, Hulu, and Disney+ just to see how pissed off football fans can get.

McDonald’s will reintroduce a $5 Value Meal, but will only make it available for a month, and will require a 7-day advance reservation in the dining room.

Uber announced they’ll offer group shuttle rides to shared destinations like airports, concerts & sporting events. Uber Shuttle drivers are looking forward to the opportunity to sexually harass dozens of passengers at once.

Due to shrinking space from beach erosion, North Wildwood, New Jersey has banned the use of beach tents. If couples want to make out without being seen, they’ll be directed by lifeguards to join the junkies and gays under the boardwalk.

Comcast is offering subscibers a Peacock/Netflix/AppleTV+ bundle called StreamSaver – it’s available to all customers who currently pay $150/month for cable tv.

Rumors are swirling that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are headed for divorce, as they’ve not been seen together in public for seven weeks, and Lopez has reportedly banned all Dunkin products from the backstage area of her upcoming tour.

The Mirage hotel in Las Vegas is closing. Families of Sigfried & Roy are being asked for the last time to come and get any tigers still hanging around.

Warren Buffett revealed the ‘mystery company’ that his Berkshire Hathaway corporation has invested over $6 billion dollars in – it’s insurance company Chubb. The announcement gave other investors in the stock a pretty big Chubb.

A Major League Soccer between New York City & the Philadelphia Union was delayed for over two minutes when raccoon ran on to the field. The raccoon was chased away, but asked by team officials to return any time it wants to help liven up soccer games.

Under Armour announced a wave of layoffs, saying they’re Over Staffed.

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A Texas man reclaimed his Guinness World Record by going skydiving at 106 years, 327 days old. He was awarded records for oldest skydiver, and oldest person to shit their pants in midair.

Actor Jaleel White, famous as nerd Steve Urkel on 90s sitcom ‘Family Matters’, got married in Los Angeles, before a live audience .. who were required to stick around for the wedding of another unemployed actor from 90s sitcom ‘Step By Step’.

Justin and Hailey Bieber announced they’re having a baby. Drake and Kendrick Lamar traded diss tracks arguing about what they should name it.

Actor Michael Douglas believes intimacy coordinators – who oversee sex scenes on film & tv productions – aren’t necessary, and that male actors should “take responsibility” during filming. Douglas is 79 years old and his sex scenes require a CPR coordinator.

A Virginia school board voted to restore Confederate names honoring Generals Stonewall Jackson and Turner Ashby to a high school and elementary school after those names were banned years ago. The name change could cost six figures, but the school board is hoping to find slaves to do the work for free.

The Senate passed a reauthorization bill for the Federal Aviation Administration, approving billions for airline safety, including money to paint warning labels on the side of every Boeing passenger aircraft.

The new NHL team in Salt Lake City, Utah revealed a list of 20 names under consideration following their relocation from Arizona. Although Polygamists, Teen Grooms and Cult Leaders probably won’t make the final cut.

NBA Dallas Mavericks Luka Doncic’s postgame press conference was interrupted by ‘sex noises’ coming from someone’s phone. Doncic laughed it off, adding that most NBA players don’t hear sex noises until at least 10 minutes after they’ve showered.

MIT researchers created a hair-thin curtain made of electrified silk capable of blocking noise transmission in a large room. Then they hung the curtain so they could have sex in the lab without the scientists on the other side hearing it.

A motorized Radio Flyer red wagon the size of an SUV is being put up for auction. It’s described as 100% street legal, unless you’re a toddler driving it under the influence of too many Capri Suns.

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Snoop Dogg and his Gin & Juice alcoholic beverage brand will sponsor this year’s NCAA football Arizona Bowl. No word on the halftime show, but it’s expected to be Snoop performing and smoking an Arizona Bowl.

A woman who is 23 weeks pregnant won a half-marathon in Indianapolis. Another woman who was 37 weeks pregnant finished an hour later, and was given a finisher’s medal, and the baby she delivered at mile six.

Former CEO Howard Schulz said Starbucks needs to fix its U.S. business after reporting disappointing quarterly earnings. He plans to provide a 10-point strategic marketing plan that contains fewer words than the average Starbucks latte order.

An Arizona State student broke down in tears after realizing her suspension for anti-Israel protests will force her to miss the graduation ceremony she’d studied 11 years for.

Stormy Daniels is expected to testify today in Donald Trump’s hush money trial. She may address the media because the judge hasn’t issued her a gag order, and besides she’s learned to relax her tongue and take deep breaths.

Venture capitalist David Ulevitch said in an interview that the thinks half of the white collar workers at Google do “no real work”. Ulevitch then dropped off his daughter’s resume at Google.

ABC News President Kim Godwin resigned over the weekend, following reports that she was badmouthing her new boss. “This just in” Godwin said, “…my personal belongings in a cardboard box.”

A program autographed by O.J. Simpson from daughter Sydney’s dance recital on June 12, 1994 – the day of Nicole Brown Simpson & Ron Goldman’s murders – is being auctioned. Sydney danced to ‘Footloose’, and that evening O.J. cut everybody.

Sylvester Stallone is selling 11 wristwatches from his private collection, expected to sell for anywhere from $400,000 to $5 million each. However, Stallone will keep digital watches that he knows how to read.

A man ejected from his vehicle who died in a Massachusetts car wreck had his body dragged in to the woods by a bear. Officials discovered the body, but the bear left before he could turn the man in to a rug.

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A Philadelphia man was assaulted by dirt bikers & ATV riders as they tried to steal his scooter. Philadelphia notches the first recorded case of ScootJacking.

Dora The Explorer is getting a reboot on Paramount +, after Dora emerged from extensive counseling following her work with Nickelodeon’s Dan Schneider in the early 2000s.

Five military horses escaped and ran wild through the streets of central London, damaging cars and injuring pedestrians. Authorities pursued the horses through late afternoon, until the horses stopped for tea & scones.

Actress Christina Applegate said on her podcast that she’s been sick for three weeks with sapovirus – accidental ingestion of human fecal matter. Applegate announced she’s no longer a Brand Ambassador for Saladworks.

TikTok’s CEO vowed to fight a U.S. law requiring the Chinese government’s sale of the app within a year. The U.S. Government said if they can’t make them sell it, they’ll make them change the name to MySpace and everyone will just stop using it.

South Korea is considering a ban on the iPhone for use by their armed forces, because they deem it a security threat. This follows a move by North Korea, which has already banned paper cups atttached to strings for the same reason.

Motley Crue signed with record label Big Machine, with frontman Vince Neil saying “we don’t want to stagnate”. This Friday, they’ll release a new single, ‘Dogs Of War’, with Billboard projecting it could land at #1 on the Stagnated Dinosaur Rock chart.

Theresa Nist, ex-wife of Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, told People magazine in a new interview that she “found a new joy in life” – as she opened the drawer of her nightstand.

Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy said WNBA star Caitlin Clark is getting “screwed” by Nike over her 8-year, $28 million endorsement deal that includes a signature Clark shoe. Nike defended the deal, saying it also includes a matching Caitlin Clark belt and handbag.

A Texas high school cheerleader who was named Valedictorian was notified that a calculation error was found, dropping her to 3rd in the class. However, her measurements were verified so she still gets to keep her cheerleading scholarship offers.

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Buffalo Wild Wings opened its 100th takeout & delivery ‘Go’ location, and says one-third of its sales are made outside of sit-down restaurants. Now 33% of customers say “this food sucks” to themselves in living rooms instead of to BWW servers.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 72 and wife Theresa Nist, 70 are ending their marriage after just three months. It’s the Early Bird Special Divorce.

All of O.J. Simpson’s children visited him before he died, but they were not allowed to have their cell phones with them, and were required to sign non-disclosure agreements. O.J. then confessed that Hertz wasn’t the best rental car agency.

Apple upgraded its AirTag functionality to allow sharing of the tracking devices with up to five people. Now you can enlist friends to help you stalk your ex-spouse or partner.

Vietnam real estate tycoon Truong My Lan was sentenced to death after she defrauded the nation’s banks out of $12.5 billion, or 304 trillion dong. Residents said they could only dream of seeing that many dongs.

Earlier this week, the terms ‘eclipse’; ‘total eclipse’; and ‘eclipse sex’ were the top 3 searches on Pornhub. For those curious, eclipse sex is intercourse with a partner so big you can’t see one of them.

Viral video shows an exchange at a Florida airport with a Spirit Airlines employee saying “F**k you, too!” while reviewing a woman’s boarding pass. A spokesperson for Spirit Airlines explained this is the official greeting for Spirit’s frequent flyers.

Errors were corrected to the base of a statue honoring the late Kobe Bryant, including some statistics in the engraved box score of Bryant’s 81-point game, and a statement claiming he never sexually assaulted anyone.

A grease fire in the kitchen of The Tamron Hall Show forced the evacuation of her studio, and The View, which films in an adjacent studio. The fire was extinguished without incident, and Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar fought over who got the french fries.

17 countries were ranked in terms of the size of women’s buttocks, with South Africa having the biggest, India the smallest, and the U.S. ranked 6th. Curiously, Brazil was omitted, because the researchers just wanted to give other countries a chance.