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Following their divorce, Melinda Gates is stepping down as Co-Chair of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation – which will continue its charitable work as the Bill Gates & Some Hot Girl That Jeffrey Epstein Introduced Him To Foundation.

Judge Judy is suing the National Inquirer for publishing a story claiming she’s helping the Menendez Brothers get a new trial. Judy claims she’s not pushing for their retrial, but she is hoping they get freed so they can co-star with her in a sitcom.

The WNBA started funding teams’ charter travel to road games. Two teams traveled on charter jets, two more traveled on charter buses, and the rest charter hitchhiked.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania man appeared in court after his arrest for allegedly breaking in to two women’s apartments and stealing their underwear. His attorney plans to file briefs with the court once he collects them all from the defendant.

Red Lobster workers in the Northeast were ‘blindsided’ as the chain abruptly closed 50 restaurants. Managers, servers & kitchen staff were given no warning, and lobsters had to find their own rides back to the ocean.

Kelly Clarkson finally admitted using a weight-loss drug to help shed approximately 60 pounds, but that “it isn’t Ozempic”. She’s previously claimed she lost the weight via “walks and cold plunges”, leading people to assume she took an ice bath after walking to liposuction.

Google is beta-testing a feature on its Google Messages app that allows users to edit text messages after they’ve already been sent. This comes as welcome news to everyone who’s ever texted ‘go duck yourself’ to someone.

Three inmates who bludgeoned notorious crime boss Whitey Bulger to death in a West Virginia prison accepted plea deals. Charges weren’t announced, but are believed to be assault, and unlawful use of the free weights in the recreation yard.

Following the resignation of Miss Teen USA for issues with pageant management, the runner-up said she doesn’t want the crown either. If one of the other 48 contestants doesn’t take it, the title will go to Miss Pre-Teen USA.

Kate Gosselin posted a Happy Birthday message to 4 of her sextuplets as they turned 20. The other two no longer speak to her and sided with their father, Jon. An older set of twins also took Kate’s side. Seizing on the dysfunction, TLC Network is offering them a new show, ‘Jon & Kate Plus Hate’.

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A man was stoned to death by monkeys in India. The man’s family was upset, but said he probably shouldn’t have been stealing bananas.

Conjoined twin Abby Hensel of TLC reality show Abby & Brittany revealed she’s been married to a man since 2021. The news remained private for three years because Brittany was furious at not being Maid of Honor.

Frequent fliers shared their tips on the best seats to book. The consensus favorite is a window seat over the wings for uninterrupted rest and mitigating the feel of turbulence. The second favorite is any seat not on a Spirit-or-Frontier-owned Boeing.

A cholesterol-lowering supplement containing red mold sold in Japan killed two people and sickened 100 others. Their cholesterol may not be lower but they all lost weight.

Authorities revealed what they seized in raids of Diddy’s homes – including firearms and computers. Unfortunately they didn’t find any new hit songs.

Investigators are examining flight logs for Diddy’s private jets as part of their sex-trafficking investigation. They aren’t saying what destinations they’ve found so far, only that one of them rhymes with Schlepsteens Smilind.

Workers at video game giant Sega of America agreed to unionize. High scores will be tougher to come by since Sonic The Hedgehog now gets two 10-minute breaks every hour.

The City of Philadelphia is cracking down on people who illegally park their cars on sidewalks and in front of curb ramps. The Parking Authority is hiring 30 new officers to issue tickets and pull pedestrians out from under cars.

Independent Robert F. Kennedy Jr. picked Nicole Shanahan as his vice presidential running mate. Shanahan is a little-known Silicon Valley attorney and entrepreneur, who will be even littler-known in mid-November.

A new report created in the wake of child actor abuse documentary ‘Quiet On Set’ claims Nickelodeon network hired or employed 5 abusers and pedophiles. The report’s authors say their work won’t be complete until they finish interviews with all of the Rugrats.

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Ariana Grande is being accused of appropriating an Asian appearance for personal gain, also known as ‘asianfishing’, also known as ‘sushiing’.

A D.C. Capitol staffer was arrested for bringing an unlicensed gun to work. He said he needed it for his Christmas card picture.

A fire captain in Arizona created a line of bulletproof vests for high school children. For an extra fee he’ll print the school mascot on it in time for the big pep rally.

A viral photo shows an 8-pound rib roast selling for $247 at an upstate New York Wegman’s grocery store. The good news is the purchaser used their shoppers club points to save fifty cents on a tank of gas.

Actress Rebel Wilson, a self-described former ‘funny fat girl’, said in an interview that her team didn’t want her to lose weight. Wilson, who’s lost 70 pounds, said her team was made up of her agent, and three on-call Grubhub drivers.

Actor Josh Hartnett told an Australian morning show the reason why he “stepped away” from Hollywood, which rhymes with “funenjoyment”.

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson is facing calls for his resignation over a leaked video discussing an illegal 2020 Christmas party while the country was in lockdown. Critics say the party risked national health because of coronavirus, and the party being catered by KFC.

Reality star Josh Duggar, formerly of TLC’s ’19 Kids And Counting’, was convicted of child pornography charges. He now faces 20 years and counting.

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw declined comment on rumors she’s leaving for the same job in New York City. Outlaw said the rumors are just that, but that she’s fully qualified to help New York’s murder totals soar like they have in Philly.

40 camels were disqualified from a Saudi Arabian beauty pageant – paying $66 million to the winner – because they’ve received Botox & plastic surgery. The contest was already marred by two assistants kicked to death putting swimsuits on the contestants.

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A golfer at Tom Brady’s country club found one of his personalized golf balls, a Titleist labeled with the number 12 and his seven Super Bowl wins. The guy who found it said it felt underinflated.

Southwest Airlines is being criticized for canceling 600 flights and delaying 4,000 others over the last weekend. A spokesperson said the disruption was caused by severe thunderstorm activity, and flight attendants running out of dad jokes.

IKEA introduced a line of LGBTQ+ themed sofas, where gay, trans, and non-binary couples can sit to work things out after brawling about assembling the other furniture.

Justin Bieber asked fans to stop staking out the entrance to his New York apartment. They complied, and were replaced by a different group of fans staking out his New York apartment.

Khloe Kardashian turned 37, and shared a rare photo of her brother, Rob Kardashian. Khloe is believed to be the only photographer who wants a picture of Rob Kardashian.

‘Wonder Woman’ Gal Gadot gave birth to her third child, and was granted three months’ maternity leave by the Super Friends.

TLC Network canceled the Duggar Family reality show, ‘Counting On’, after Josh Duggar’s arrest for child pornography. Pending his trial and sentencing, TLC may give him a new show, ’19 Prison Beatdowns & Counting’.

Kataluna Enriquez became the first transgender woman and first transgender woman of color to win the Miss Nevada USA pageant. “What?!” said her boyfriend.

In the wake of Las Vegas Raiders Carl Nassib coming out, the NFL released a new video proclaiming “football is gay” – a sentiment echoed by a high-school athlete who learned he was cut from the varsity team.

Actress Allison Mack will be sentenced today for her role in the NXIVM sex cult. Mack apologized for the physical and mental harm she caused, adding that it’s been especially damaging to her personal brand.

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Some Instacart customers are luring employees to fulfill their orders with tips of $50 or more, then removing them after receiving their order. A new startup, Instavandal, identifies them so enterprising punks can absolutely trash their houses & lawns.

Saturday Night Live returns this weekend with new, remotely-produced content – but somehow Pete Davidson has a conflict and can’t do it.

A new study published in journal Science theorizes that a crew of monkeys rode a natural raft from Africa to South America around 35 million years ago. As for why the monkeys took to the sea, they say pteradactyls charged too much for airfare.

Singapore stopped teachers from using Zoom, after men crashed a teen girls geography class to make lewd comments. To discourage future class disruptions, Singapore teachers are inviting the men to watch disruptive teen girls caned during detention instead.

Melania Trump shared a photo of herself wearing a cloth facemask. Asked where she got it, she said she still had it from her days robbing convenience stores back in Slovenia.

Scientists created a mutant enzyme that decomposes one ton of plastic bottles in 10 hours. They tried it out on a day’s worth of Mountain Dew bottles collected while TLC Network recorded new episodes of ‘My 600-Lb Life’.

Mark Wahlberg is hosting a second Instagram Live workout from his home; this time, he’s hoping to see some straight guys watching it.

A new website, imisstheoffice.eu , plays audio to replicate sounds common at most offices. You can even navigate to the executive-only floor to hear how the cute new hire got the promotion instead of you.

Prosecutors in the college admissions scandal released the rowing machine photos of Lori Loughlin’s daughters, submitted to get them on the USC Crew Team. Daughter Bella is seen leaning back mid-stroke, while Olivia Jade is pouring water under hers.

In a recent poll, 72% of Americans said they would not attend sporting events in person prior to a successful COVID-19 vaccine. The number increased to 99% when asked specifically about their preteen kids’ tee ball & soccer games.

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Turkey rejected a U.S. call for immediate cease-fire in Syria, while the U.S. rejected a call for immediate cease-chop from Thanksgiving turkeys.

Police were called to the home of Ron Ely, star of 60s tv series Tarzan, after an elderly woman there had been shot and killed. “Me Tarzan. Need lawyer.” said Ely.

In Utah, a 190-pound mastiff dog named Floyd was rescued from a hiking trail after becoming too tired to walk. He has since been bombarded with questions from other dogs about how they can get out of long walks on steep hills.

The Washington Nationals swept the St Louis Cardinals to advance to their first World Series. They’ll face the winner of the Houston Astros/New York Yankees series, and hope fans of those teams actually buy tickets for games in Washington.

A lethal outbreak of Legionnaire’s Disease has been traced to inhalation of mist from a hot tub display at a North Carolina county fair – and to the prize-winning hogs bathing in the hot tubs.

Felicity Huffman has reported to prison for her two-week sentence, and is in talks with TLC to star in their newest reality series 14-Day Lesbian.

NASA unveiled a new unisex space suit. It contains compartments in the crotch and chest so both men & women astronauts can stuff them.

Bose is attempting to understand problems with its QC35II noise-cancelling headphones by visiting customers at home. So far their research has been slowed by people wearing them not hearing the doorbell.

A man was able to track down and stalk a Japanese pop star by determining her location from reflections in her eyes in her selfies. His story has been purchased by the producers of CSI:Tokyo.

Google debuted its latest smartphone, the Pixel 4, which can respond to hand gestures. No word on how it responds to the gesture of your hands flailing at it when you drop it.

 

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Starbucks will stop selling newspapers, leaving its many homeless visitors wondering what they’ll read in the bathroom.

Cable network TLC will show wedding tapes of the late John F. Kennedy, Jr and wife Carolyn. They had instructed the tapes be kept secret so no one would see them doing the Macarena and Electric Slide.

A massive electrical blackout hit New York City on Saturday night. Utilities were slow to respond since the outage went undetected thanks to thousands of flash selfies lighting up Times Square.

A Siberian lake, popular for scenic photos from swimsuit-clad Instagram influencers, is filled with toxic waste. Asked how much toxic waste was in the lake, a Russian environmentalist said “more than on all of Instagram.”

Monday and Tuesday marked Amazon Prime Day, a newly-created holiday to remember Amazon distribution center employees who died from overwork on the job.

Womens apparel store Charming Charlie is going out of business. “It’s not you, it’s me.” said Charlie.

UFC fighter Ricky Simón postponed his honeymoon for the opportunity to take on UFC Hall of Famer Urijah Faber, who then KO’d Simón in 46 seconds. Simón then moved on to his wedding night, where he lasted 45 seconds.

More than 540,000 people signed up for a mid-September Facebook event to storm Area 51. An equal number said they were Interested, and another half-million felt obliged to write what their kids were doing that prevented them from attending.

Lamar Odom was cut from Ice Cube’s 3-on-3 BIG3 basketball league. Odom said he was disappointed in the way it was handled, but excited about his upcoming tryout with the Washington Generals.

Following singer R Kelly’s arrest, his girlfriends were kicked out of his residence at Trump Tower Chicago. The Trump Organization pointed to a contract that stating they’re fine providing housing for sex criminals, just not broke-ass ones.

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Mary Duggar, 73, grandmother of the tv-famous Duggars, passed away at age 73. She is survived by a list of family members too numerous to go into.

Patricia ‘Tan Mom” Krentcil is hospitalized with pneumonia and is in a Florida intensive care unit in a medically-induced coma. Doctors removed fluid from her lungs and sprayed it back on her skin.

  • Hers is the only bed in Intensive Care located on the roof.

Los Angeles politicians agreed that the city’s homeless population needs more restrooms, so they agreed to build 20 new public libraries.

ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ visits Philadelphia on Thursday, where it will be called ‘What Do You Want, America?’.

The total number of homes being “flipped” declined in the first quarter of 2019 versus a year ago. Experts say the drop is caused by flippers who quit after figuring out everyone doing it doesn’t get a tv show.

A magnitude 4.0 earthquake struck 20 miles from Cleveland, then left to go shake up someplace fun.

Researchers found the whooping cough vaccine loses effectiveness as kids age. They studied children who didn’t get vaccinated until after age 7, whose parents thought it would be no big whoop.

Rob Kardashian launched the Halfway Dead clothing brand. It’s a skate-oriented brand named after the way Rob Kardashian ended up the one time he tried skateboarding.

Britney Spears shared her conspiracy theory that paparazzi are doctoring photos of her to make her look fat. Fans are backing her up, saying they think their smartphones are doing the same thing.

Nestle, Mars & Hershey have gone back on their promise to ensure that their chocolate is harvested without child labor. Human rights activists call this the worst violation they’ve encountered since the Keebler Cookie Scandal.

 

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Taylor Swift is expected to testify in a wrongful dismissal lawsuit brought by a former Denver radio DJ. The DJ claims that he was fired after being accused of grabbing Swift’s buttocks at an area appearance; he denies the claim, saying he came up empty-handed.

Actor Tom Wopat was arrested in Waltham Massachusetts after allegedly placing his finger between a woman’s buttocks during a summer stage rehearsal. Wopat, known to millions as Luke Duke from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’, says that he was merely pushing up Daisy’s Dukes.

The U.S. Senate, prior to adjourning for August break, took steps to prevent President Trump from making recess appointments — fearing that he may remove Attorney General Jeff Sessions or Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Trump, confused over the meaning of “recess appointments” cancelled a visit from the guy who does his hair plugs.

President Trump started a 17-day vacation in New Jersey, finally giving Democrats the ammunition they need to question his mental stability.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced an aggressive crackdown on leaks of classified government information, as stated in a Washington Post interview with his cleaning lady.

An Alabama Muslim organization is demanding an investigation into a Decatur, AL McDonald’s location, which allegedly put bacon on all 14 McChicken sandwiches ordered by a Muslim family.  A man named in the complaint said he vomited twice after tasting the bacon. McDonald’s fired back, saying vomiting their food happens all the time.

Nielsen announces that it will now incorporate data from televisions in bars, gyms and airports when calculating its TV ratings. The biggest ratings gainer? Sports. The biggest loser? Everything your wife likes to watch.

TLC Network responded to a critical Tweet from Derrick Dillard, star of TLC’s Duggar family spinoff ‘Counting On’, in which he referred to transgender life as a “myth”. The Tweet indirectly referenced Jazz Jennings, transgender female star of TLC’s ‘I Am Jazz’. A TLC executive said that Dillard’s views do not represent those of TLC, adding that the network proudly exploits all of its on-air personalities equally.

A tech startup is hoping to solve the opioid crisis with a wearable device that uses electrical pulses to reduce pain. Results are mixed; with some users reporting reduced pain, while others overdose on electricity with forks and toasters.

Over 100 sexual abuse lawsuits have been brought against Roman Catholic priests on the island of Guam. Pope Francis asked what took them so long.