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Attorney General William Barr resigned. Donald Trump said Barr will spend time with his family over the Holidays, so Barr left D.C. for Mount Crumpit outside of Whoville.

Cast members from The Sopranos will reunite to raise money for New York firefighters. The firefighters are deciding on a plan in case the envelope with the money feels a little light.

Vladimir Putin congratulated Joe Biden on his election victory. Putin said he looks forward to working with Biden, but probably not as closely as the last guy.

End-to-end encrypted messaging service Signal announced video calling for up to five people – for drug dealers who really want to get to know their customers face-to-face.

Best Buy will sell Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X/S game consoles online-only “sometime after 8a.m. Central time” on December 15th. Frantic parents can expect to be really pissed off they didn’t get one “sometime after 8a.m. Central time”..

TikTok will start hiding potentially disturbing videos behind a warning screen. Examples include scenes from horror films, animal hunting, and parents & teachers dancing.

Twitter user @jobreauxx claims a male passenger seated behind her died of COVID-19 during a flight, despite efforts to revive him, which carry a $99 additional fee on Spirit Airlines.

Pornhub removed all hosted video content from ‘unverified uploaders’. Then they clarified ‘uploaders’ are people who submit sex videos, not the men watching them.

Dr. Phil McGraw is concerned that quarantine will limit recovering addicts having in-person support group meetings, and that he’ll have a harder time recruiting people for his tv show at in-person addiction support meetings.

Workers at a Chipotle restaurant in New York claim they’ve been bitten by rats as they try to eradicate them from the currently-closed store. The rats are also unhappy that eating there made them sick from E.coli.

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The Trump Administration declined to buy additional vaccines from Pfizer following an initial 100 million-unit purchase. Trump wanted to wait until herd immunity so he could get them at clearance prices.

President-Elect Joe Biden selected the personnel to lead his health team. They’ll direct the CDC, fight the pandemic, and remind him what pills he takes that day.

Tesla issued its Executive Diversity report, revealing its U.S. leadership is 59 percent male and 83 percent white. The only thing that’s more male and white are Tesla drivers.

TV movie ‘Love, Lights, Hanukkah!’ premiered starring Ben Savage, Mia Kershner and Marilu Henner. It can be seen exclusively during Chanukah on the Challmark Channel.

The official height of Mount Everest was raised by 30 feet – providing room for 10 to 15 more climbers to freeze to death.

Stevie Nicks sold the majority of her solo & Fleetwood Mac songwriting catalog for about $100 million, finally settling her cocaine debt with Lindsey Buckingham.

‘Wonder Woman 1984‘ screened for critics, with most posting favorable reviews, although several walked out of their living rooms.

China pulled action movie ‘Monster Hunter’ from cinemas, because of a scene where an Asian actor point to his legs and says “What kind of knees are these? Chinese””. Historians marked 2020 as the year Cancel Culture hit China.

Breakdancing has been added to the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics. Vladimir Putin just ordered two dozen Black Russians.

A 90-year-old woman in the U.K. is the first to receive the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine. She celebrated with a scone and choked to death.

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A 103-year-old nursing home resident in Michigan got her first tattoo so she could ‘cross it off her bucket list’, and so she could look at it and ‘remember her name’.

Smash Mouth played a concert at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota, then dozens of audience members smashed their mouths and skulls on the ride home.

A 90-year-old grandfather came out as gay – in the hope that someone will finally want to listen to his stories.

Seattle City Council voted to reduce the police department’s budget by $4 million. The move resulted in the resignation of the police chief, and the closure of a dozen donut shops.

A New York City transit worker posted video of a large black snake on a Brooklyn subway platform. This is different from the large black snakes occasionally exposed by deviants in the subway cars.

The Big 10 Conference is rumored to be scrapping the 2020 college football season. “Finally! I can finish my novel and learn a new language!” said academically ambitious football players.

If college football is cancelled, the NFL may move some games to Saturday. And Friday and Tuesday and Wednesday.

DC Comics – home to Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman & Others – is undergoing massive layoffs. Alfred the Butler is applying for a job at the Gotham City Walmart.

The Democratic National Convention announced its lineup of speakers. It’s anyone over 50 who can figure out how to join a Zoom meeting.

Vladimir Putin said Russia has developed the world’s first coronavirus vaccine – though everyone is pretty sure he’s talking about vodka shots.

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Jennifer McIver, a Colorado Mom, shared a story on Facebook about her 3-year-old daughter locking herself in their new LG front-loading washing machine, and her 4-year-old son starting it. The daughter was unhurt, but they’re asking LG to put locks on washer doors. The son was rewarded for washing his sister on Delicate, but she came out with even bigger stains on her pants than when she went in.

A 27-year-old woman went into labor while riding Kilimanjaro Safaris at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. She delivered the baby shortly thereafter via FastPass, but two triplet siblings were told to expect at least a 90-minute wait.

Tinder – which doesn’t allow daters to send photos to each other – are conducting a test in Canada and Mexico where users can send personal Bitmoji to one another. Tinder users are busily figuring out how to create Bitmoji of their genitals and breasts.

Microsoft and Walmart announced a strategic partnership to take on Amazon in technology and retail. It’s called Let’s Spend Billions And Still Lose.

Do Thi Duc, a researcher in Berlin, studied 208 million public transactions made over Venmo during the past year, because most users never change the default setting that makes activity public. Nearly 3 million transactions involved pizza, and 10 million involved the weed emoji, so she assumed they were payments to landscapers.

Russian President Vladimir Putin presented U.S. President Donald Trump with a ceremonial World Cup soccer ball at a joint press conference. Trump tossed it to his wife, marking the first time Melania handled one of Trump’s balls since conceiving Barron.

Archaeologists in Jordan found what they claim is 14,000-year-old flatbread – which went uneaten because everyone at dinner was on the Paleo diet.

Netflix posted disappointing results, adding only 674,000 new subscribers in the second quarter, versus a forecast of 1.2 million. Shareholders rated it one star and skipped to the third quarter episode.

Fans were shocked as MTV snubbed Taylor Swift in all major categories of its Video Music Awards. Her fans stated their intent to stop watching music videos on MTV, in the event they ever start showing them again.

An airborne blob of lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano struck a lava-watching tour boat off the eastern coast of Hawaii’s big island, injuring 23 people but really giving them their money’s worth.

 

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Disney Imagineering has created autonomous 90-pound robots that can do airborne stunts like high-dives and trapeze work, although the robots’ union rep said they’re only working four-hour shifts and refuse to do any more Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Khloe Kardashian posted a photo with her new baby, True, along with a message saying that she’s nervous about returning to work. To which everyone in the world replied “what work?”

Scott Pruitt, head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, resigned amid months of allegations of legal and ethical violations. When Pruitt finished his resignation letter, President Trump said to just leave it on the pile.

The first hurricane of the year has been announced as Hurricane Beryl, as in ‘watch it barrel over the areas that just got done cleaning up from last year’s hurricanes’.

Singer Chris Brown was arrested after a concert in Florida; Brown had an outstanding arrest warrant for punching a photographer. He was released on a $2,000 cash bond, plus a $10,000 advance on bail for the other people he plans to punch.

U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar said that officials are racing against a federal judge’s extreme deadlines to reunite up to 3,000 detained migrant children with their parents. Azar said that the children had all been released from cages, but that it will take them some time to walk to get to their parents.

The latest fitness fad is exercising in a cold studio. Brrrn in New York City has studios with temperatures at 45, 55 and 60 degrees.  Or, across town, goons in the Meat Packing District will charge you $50/hour to lift sides of beef.

Mobile trivia game HQ Trivia introduced ‘Streaks’, where players who play multiple games in a row are rewarded with extra lives. They chose the name Streaks after they found their first choice, Dopes Without Friends and Lots Of Spare Time, was too wordy to fit on smartphone screens.

President Trump’s upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin is rumored to be one-on-one, with only Trump, Putin, and their translators present. Google Translate’s Russian/English site has seen a surge in users wanting to know how to say ‘hooker urine’ in Russian.

Luxury cruise line Crystal Cruises is touting its latest mega-cruise, a 105-day voyage on the Crystal Serenity. It departs Miami, and arrives in Italy, via exotic ports in Australia, Central America, Asia and Europe. The cost is over $40,000 per person, but that includes food, and you get to have a strain of norovirus named after you.

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United Airlines has temporarily suspended the transport of pets in cargo holds, while they work with animal experts to determine the most cost-effective way of killing them.

The Wall Street Journal published results of a 2011 polygraph test backing actress Stormy Daniels’ claims that she had unprotected sex with Donald Trump.  However, her co-stars were devastated when the same test revealed that she’s been faking all of her orgasms.

In Kosovo, leaders of the opposition Self-Determination Movement party released tear gas canisters in parliament to prevent a vote on border markings with neighboring Montenegro. The move is what’s known as a Kosovo Filibuster.

After being identified by Austin police, serial bombing suspect Mark Anthony Conditt blew himself up:

coyote

Melania Trump hosted a roundtable meeting of technology executives at the White House, and addressed public skepticism over her anti-cyberbullying campaign. Her staff then kicked out members of the Fake News before the meeting, which started with 10 minutes of the First Lady hitting Ctrl/F5 before deciding they didn’t need PowerPoint.

A man died in Birmingham, England when he bent down to retrieve his dropped phone at a luxury movie theater and his head was trapped in a reclining chair. He would have texted 911, but was worried he’d be kicked out.

Actress Busy Philipps was hospitalized for sunburned eyes, then was Busy on social media explaining that she isn’t stupid.

The U.K. government issued their ‘Foresight Future of the Sea’ report, saying that the amount of plastic in the world’s oceans will triple in the next decade. While this threatens most sea life, larger sea mammals are excited at getting some new plastic furniture for entertaining.

President Donald Trump called Russian President Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his election victory, despite receiving national security instructions reading DO NOT CONGRATULATE. Trump was angry at the security leak, but thought the the instructions were for a call to Omarosa after the end of Celebrity Big Brother.

394 pages of documents released during the bankruptcy hearings of The Weinstein Company list all of the parties owed money by Harvey Weinstein — including Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro, Malia Obama, an online Cialis seller, and a maker of plus-size bathrobes.

 

 

 

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Russian President Vladimir Putin gave his annual state of the nation address, and shared an animated video of a new nuclear superweapon – supposedly unstoppable by current intercept systems – striking Florida. The Florida state legislature responded by allocating $100 million to train school teachers to shoot down nuclear missiles.

March 1st was National Peanut Butter Lovers Day, in case you were wondering why you didn’t hear from your single woman friends who own large dogs.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s girlfriend, Ricki Lander, gave birth to a baby last year, although Kraft is not the father. The team would not release the father’s name, but they know who he is after secretly videotaping him at Lander’s Lamaze practice.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development canceled their order for a $31,000 dining room set that had been ordered for Secretary Ben Carson’s office. Carson reportedly ordered a different set, which HUD will own free & clear after just 48 monthly payments to Rent A Center.

Reports surfaced of a shooting at Central Michigan University, which now happens so often in schools that it’s just the fourth-most-important story after the big Nor’Easter, the KFC gravy shortage, and Trump’s tweets about Alec Baldwin.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will extend invitations to 2,600 members of the public into the grounds of Windsor Castle for their wedding on May 19th – as 1,300 men prepare to face the question “Is THAT what you’re wearing?” with an intensity it’s never been asked before.

JCPenney announced that they’re cutting 360 jobs. Then their CEO presented a coupon that gave him another 20% off of headcount.

A report in medical journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery claims that close-up selfies increase the perceived size of your nose by up to 30%. Plastic surgeons advise moving the camera further from your face – advice that young women say is hard to do without the phone hitting the windshield of the car they’re driving.

A drunk New Jersey man blacked out during his Uber ride after a campus party at West Virginia University, and incurred a $1,600 fare because the driver traveled 300 miles to the man’s home in Gloucester, New Jersey. The passenger said it was “insane”, and the driver wasn’t thrilled at having to be in either West Virginia or New Jersey.

President Trump is planning to apply 25% tariffs on imported steel and 10% on aluminum — experts project it will become 15-20% more expensive when a Mississippi housewife finds her husband cheating, gets drunk on beer in aluminum cans and bashes in the steel on his pickup truck with an aluminum baseball bat.

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A Florida boy had to be rescued after he climbed inside of a toy claw machine in a restaurant lobby. Rescuers removed the boy, over the objections of his sister who demanded that they rescue a stuffed bear instead.

  • The boy was removed from the claw machine unharmed, so owners of the restaurant are now charging $10/hour for other diners to leave their children in it.

White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter resigned after reports he physically abused both of his two ex-wives. The White House hopes Porter is the last of the abusers on staff, but just in case they’re cancelling the ‘Win A Dream Date With Stephen Miller’ contest.

  • President Trump was reportedly ‘disheartened’, ‘surprised’ and ‘saddened’ by the reports of Porter’s spousal abuse, but told Porter to buck up, he can still be President someday.

Vladimir Putin admits that he doesn’t have a smartphone, saying that he already spends too much time on Facebook and Twitter making thousands of political posts each day.

Defense Secretary James Mattis said that undocumented ‘Dreamers’ currently enlisted in the U.S. military will not be deported;  rather, they’ll be sent on all-expenses-paid trips to exotic destinations such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

A California woman’s post – showing disgusting fungus & bacteria grown in a petri dish held under a restroom hand dryer – has gone viral. The maker of the hand dryer, World Dryer, challenged the photo, saying that the woman should have wiped the petri dish on her pants to properly complete the hand drying process.

L.L. Bean has cut back its legendary ‘Lifetime Return Policy’ to one year. So you’d better hope barn coats come back in style.

Samsung may have violated United Nations economic sanctions by giving Galaxy Note 8 phones to Olympic athletes from North Korea. Samsung dismissed the criticism, saying that the phones won’t work anyway on North Korea’s leading cell provider: Un Mobile.

President Trump signed a budget bill to avert the latest threat of a government shutdown, allowing White House employees to return to work backstabbing and sexually harassing each other.

 

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A Russian research team unearthed the fossilized remains of a 10-ton, 17-foot-long sea cow on a Siberian beach. Experts believe the sea cow wanted to spend time at the beach, but needed to go to Siberia to avoid crowds & body-shaming.

Thanksgiving night fights forced officials to shut down the Riverchase Galleria Mall in Birmingham, Alabama, as fathers of teenage girls sought to protect them from Roy Moore.

GOBankingRates released a list of the 15 most affordable states for Millennials to buy homes. Topping the list? West Virginia – where it’s estimated that a home can be bought after just two-and-a-half years of selling meth.

DamToys is selling a 12-inch Steve Jobs figurine for nearly $200. It berates other nearby action figures and comes with 10 accessories, none of which is a daughter that the figurine refuses to acknowledge.

President Trump tweeted on Friday that he was heading to Trump National Golf Club to “play golf (quickly) with Tiger Woods and Dustin Johnson.” ‘Quickly’ means he’ll quit when they won’t let him win.

A Swedish power plant near Stockholm that uses recycled materials as fuel is burning unsold clothing from fast-fashion chain H&M; the company that owns the plant is hiring hundreds of mean girls to follow classmates around telling them to ‘burn that outfit’.

Following a second accuser’s claim that he grabbed her buttocks during a photo at the Minnesota State Fair, Senator Al Franken issued a new apology, and verified that he’s banned from the livestock exhibit at this year’s fair.

Oprah Winfrey shared her lavish Thanksgiving dinner spread on Instagram, including four 22-pound turkeys for her and her guests. Winfrey, a Weight Watchers spokesperson, declined to say how many Weight Watchers points she consumed, but was photographed with her food diary and a scientific calculator.

Michael Flynn is no longer sharing information regarding the Russia investigation with President Trump’s lawyers, leading observers to believe Special Investigator Robert Mueller has “flipped” Mueller to testify against The President. Sensing an opportunity, Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered to let Flynn use his Safe House.

Duchess Kate Middleton – pregnant with her third child – went off-roading with her husband, Prince William, at the Jaguar/Land Rover factory in England. “Off-roading” in this case meaning using Parent With Toddler parking instead of valet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Yellowstone supervolcano may blow sooner than expected, producing enough ash and debris to wipe out the planet. The findings were shared by researchers from Arizona State, who received a D when they were reviewed by researchers from better schools.

The National Center for Health Statistics reports that obesity among U.S. adults has reached an all-time high. Facebook responded by launching its new Order Food feature nationwide.

Amazon will add 120,000 jobs for the holidays, including placing thousands of greeters at Walmart and Target stores reminding shoppers they don’t have to be there.

Rose McGowan’s suspension from Twitter over her criticism of alleged sexual harassers Harvey Weinstein and others has sent the #womenboycottTwitter hashtag trending — meaning that it isn’t exactly working.

The United States is pulling out of UNESCO — the United Nations Cultural Organization — over what the White House calls their anti-Israel bias. President Trump said that he remembered trick-or-treating for UNESCO when he was a kid, and keeping the money.

Vladimir Putin received a new puppy for his birthday. The puppy denies involvement in the mysterious deaths over the last week of its feline critics at his former shelter.

The head of a government bureau responsible for background checks said the volume of errors on Jared Kushner’s security clearance applications are “a new low”. Kushner’s application contained over 100 errors and omissions. Kushner told investigators he didn’t know it was a take-home project.

Miley Cyrus admitted that she was high while filming the video for ‘Wrecking Ball’. Producers confirmed this, saying they delayed shooting while they outfitted the wrecking ball with a seatbelt.

Dating app Bumble, where women make the first move, has launched Bumble Bizz, a feature of the app that lets women make networking connections. Bumble created the feature in response to complaints that men are hitting on women via LinkedIn – men will congratulate women on their new position, and ask if there are other positions they’d like to try.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told the Congressional Black Caucus that the company plans to add a black executive to the board of directors. She wouldn’t comment on the candidate, saying only that his initials were J.Z.

Mashable reports that major league sports teams from the NBA, NHL & MLB have all stopped staying at Trump Hotels while on the road. Frustrated Trump Hotel bar groupies have changed strategy and now set their sights on getting pregnant with really rich racists.