By |

Israeli troops raided Gaza’s largest hospital, which, they claim, is being used as a headquarters by Hamas terrorists. Patients are also hoping they can do something about the food.

A mother who named her infant son Semen before moving to the U.S. asked for new name suggestions on Reddit. She received thousands of replies with alternate names, and a handful of replies from gay guys and women saying they really liked Semen.

Patients born with abnormally high cholesterol have shown improvements through the use of gene editing. They just need to be okay with skinny genes.

A Boeing 747 jet flying from New York’s JFK airport to Belgium had to turn around after a horse got loose in the cargo hold. The horse was also angry about being refused an upgrade.

PGA golf tour officials are finalizing negotiations for a merger with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Talks have been contentious, but so far no PGA executives have lost their head.

A New York landlord stabbed three tenants to death over their failure to pay rent. He was visited in jail by his attorney, and 50 applicants for the apartment.

Will Smith denies allegations he had sex with a man, yelling he kept that thing outta his mouth.

K-pop all-girl group BabyMonster announced that Hyeon has left the group to focus on her health and well-being, leaving Asa, Chiquita, Haram, Rora, Pharita and Ruka as the remaining members. “Wait, which of us left again?” they asked each other.

OnlyFans model Danii Banks was kicked out of Allegiant Stadium for flashing her bare breasts during the Las Vegas Raiders/New York Jets matchup. Security guards also considered a harsher punishment – forcing her to watch the rest of the game.

Jason & Travis Kelce teamed up to record a Christmas song, Fairytale of Philadelphia, for the Phildelphia Eagles charity album. After talking to a friend about how much he was getting paid, one of them rerecorded Fairytale of Philadelphia (Travis’ Version).

By |

A mother of 8 was sentenced to prison for her role in the January 6th riots. She told her family before she was taken into custody that four years of dinners are in the fifty freezers she bought.

Miami fourth graders were ‘distraught’ and a mental health counselor was hired after R-rated slasher film Winnie the Pooh: Blood & Honey was shown to them during class. “Hey, still beats multiplication tables” said several of the not-that-traumatized kids.

X, formerly Twitter, is charging $1 to new users in Philippines & New Zealand. Not to be outdone, Facebook is charging $5 to users in those countries to uninstall it.

In a text exchange with Elon Musk, Kanye West said he has autism symptoms from a car accident. This isn’t medically possible, but nevertheless, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recalled all Rolls Royce Spectrum models.

A Great Dane named Meadow delivered a record litter of 15 puppies at a North Carolina animal shelter. Three area hounds were swabbed for saliva before a one-of-a-kind special episode of Maury to see who is the father.

Trump ally Sidney Powell entered a surprise guilty plea in the Georgia election interference case and is expected to testify for the prosecution. Powell said it was either that, or be represented by Rudy Giuliani.

ABC’s Good Morning America will vacate its current studio and relocate to a new headquarters building constructed by parent company Disney. Instead of Times Square, the show will now be broadcast from Space Mountain.

Jada Pinkett Smith said she built a space where she could have romantic encounters when her children were little. She called it a sex room with Will Smith, and an Entanglements Room with other visitors.

A woman broke her finger attempting to catch a home run at the Philadelphia Phillies playoff game. Her boyfriend broke his finger when she sat back down.

In a new autobiography, Britney Spears claims Adderall to be her drug of choice in the mid-00s. She said the drug gave her a high, made her feel less depressed , and allowed her to really focus on finding good cheeseburgers.

By |

Dorothy Hoffner, a 104-year-old woman, died one week after setting the record for world’s oldest skydiver. The coroner said it wasn’t the fall that killed her, it was the sudden stop of her heart.

Jada Pinkett Smith revealed in an interview with Hoda Kotb that she’s separated from husband Will Smith. “Keep my wife’s things, out ma f**kin house” said Will Smith to the movers.

Scantily-clad prostitutes – wearing only enough clothing to avoid arrest by covering their genitals – are soliciting customers near a school in National City, California. Parents became concerned after their sons asked for $150 in lunch money.

Atlantic City, New Jersey will begin using drones dropping inflatables for beach rescues. To pay for it, visitors will be able to request the drones drop them beers on the beach or condoms under the boardwalk.

Taylor Swift’s Era Tour movie premieres Wednesday, and The Grove shopping mall in Los Angeles is shutting down everything but the AMC Cinemas for an opening gala. Mall businesses will be compensated for lost revenue, but the one person who wanted to see The Exorcist: Believer is out of luck.

Philadelphia Police rounded up over 1,000 traffic cones used by city residents to illegally save parking spots near their homes. Cops are now deciding what to do about families who put children in the spots to save them.

Floyd Mayweather is sending a private jet full of supplies to support Israel in their battle against Hamas – but they’re not sure how much help boxing gloves and jump ropes will be.

Alaska Airlines will serve a custom blend of coffee, which it claims is immune from airborne conditions like tasting bitter and weak, Customers who still want the bitter, weak, in-flight coffee are encouraged to book flights on the all-new Dunkin Airways.

Mattresses are piling up on the streets of Paris as the city’s bedbug infestation surges. Firefighters are also overworked, since the bugs, like many other Paris residents, smoke in bed.

The National Emergency Alert Test of cell phones on October 4th reportedly ‘outed’ many Amish people who secretly carried phones in violation of Amish law. Angry wives found text messages reading “Prithee Stoltzfus, are you not sleeping?”

By |

The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

By |

Jim Carrey condemned the standing ovation given to Will Smith as he accepted his Best Actor Oscar. Insiders predict Carrey’s outspoken stance will almost certainly cost him an Oscar nomination for his role as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic The Hedgehog 2.

Bassist Nikki Sixx said Motley Crue – whose Stadium Tour starts in 10 weeks – haven’t rehearsed together in nine years. He added that lead singer Vince Neil hasn’t sung every word of a song in 30 years.

A former Yale University employee sold $40 million worth of electronics and kept the money, buying luxury cars, real estate, travel, and tuition at University of Phoenix.

Dyson unveiled the ‘Dyson Zone’, headphones with a built-in air purifier for your nose and mouth. It’s for people who like to listen to e*books or music when they use the bathroom at Indian restaurants.

The World Health Organization is investigating hearing problems linked to COVID vaccines. But since COVID already knocked out victims’ taste & smell, they’re less concerned about not hearing farts.

A new study links avocado consumption to a lower risk of heart disease, but researchers warn that it’s still a bad idea to put guacamole on french fries.

Use of disinfectants by pregnant women may increase the risk that their children have eczema or asthma. Pregnant women are advised to douche with something other than Lysol.

Intelligence officials say the North Korean ICBM launch last week was staged – using an older rocket, not new technology. They made the determination after studying the rocket in the propaganda film and seeing a New Kids On The Block sticker on it.

Experts say Russian claims of withdrawal from major Ukrainian cities are false. Their opinions are echoed by Russian hookers, who say they, too, have been misled by Vladimir Putin saying he’ll pull out.

Brooklyn traffic cop Ranjeet Singh is being praised for viral video showing him dancing like Michael Jackson while working busy intersections. Although parents tell their kids to walk a block up the street so they don’t cross near him.

By |

Will Smith issued a written apology to Chris Rock for slapping him at the Oscars. Jada & Will Smith received Honorary Chairperson Awards from the Alopecia Awareness Foundation.

The January 6th Commission said a 7-hour gap exists in Donald Trump’s phone call logs provided to them. The Commission believes Trump used a different phone; Trump claims there were no calls because of a Three’s Company marathon on TV Land.

Walmart will stop selling cigarettes in some stores. Employees will be offered training on switching over to chewing tobacco.

The FDA authorized fourth Pfizer & Moderna COVID booster shots for Americans 50 & older. They’re available at local pharmacies & clinics, and free inside specially marked boxes of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.

A new $26 billion NASA funding proposal includes a program for the first human exploration of Mars – and a second human exploration after the first ones die within minutes.

Scientists are hailing a ‘new era of medicine’ where drugs are customized based on the recipient’s DNA. Although street-level drug dealers say they’ll probably just keep selling the same junk to everyone.

A herd of deer stormed the patio area of a Wisconsin pub and one of them smashed through a picture window. The deer left within seconds with their Uber & Lyft passengers.

Kim Kardashian bought a $400,000 Maybach minivan to drive her four children around – although she was able to get the price down by trading in two of her kids.

A new trailer for Tom Cruise sequel Top Gun: Maverick was released, as the movie enters its third year of previews.

Guinness Book of Records recognized Victory Brinker as the World’s Youngest Opera Singer for performing at age 7. Her classmates also recognized her performance as part of the Longest, Worst, First Grade Talent Show ever.

By |

Arizona State University hired University of Delaware’s Natasha Adair as their new Women’s Basketball coach. Adair expressed her gratitude for an opportunity to get as far as possible from Delaware.

Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at The Oscars, following Rock’s joke about Jada Pinkett Smith’s shaved head. Then co-host Amy Schumer slapped Rock, and called it “parallel thinking”.

The Los Angeles Police Department said Rock declined to file a police report against Will Smith following the slapping incident, according to the officers who interviewed Rock with their knees in his back for 15 minutes.

The FDA is expected to authorize a 2nd COVID booster shot for people over age 50, and the formation of a Booster Club to boost boosters for Boomers.

The University of North Carolina Tar Heels made it to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Final Four, routing Cinderella #15 Seed St. Peter’s, who were denied entry at the gates to New Orleans.

First Lady Jill Biden mourned the death of Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins, saying she’s saddened that the two hardest-rocking drummers she knew are now gone – Hawkins, and Karen Carpenter.

A rare pink grasshopper was found by a Texas man. The grasshopper was hiding after being chased by a gang of angry straight grasshoppers.

A British man – paralyzed from the waist down – climbed 1,444 stairs with the help of a robotic exoskeleton, breaking a world record. He spoke to reporters afterward, asking if the elevator was fixed.

A man ran a half-marathon in 2 hours & 19 minutes while pushing his quintuplets in a stroller. His wife called and asked him to make it a full marathon since she was really enjoying the time alone.

A Florida non-profit, Keep Florida Beautiful, placed robots on beaches to pick up small litter items like cigarette butts and bottle caps. Currently all of the robots are recovering from severe infections after picking up condoms.

By |

Starting in 2024, the the SAT Exam will move entirely online, allowing students to use calculators, bring their own laptop, and use Zoom to cheat off other kids answers.

Fox News reporter Peter Doocy said Joe Biden called his cell phone to “clear the air” after calling Doocy a “stupid son of a bitch” during a press conference. Biden ended the call by asking Doocy to say hi to Fox & Friends Steve Doocy, “that dumb sh*t father of yours”.

Tiffany Haddish told Jimmy Fallon that she asked God for a new man, and he sent her four in uniform – referencing cops during her recent DUI arrest. She’s expected to appear in court with her lawyer and better jokes.

Kanye West said he won’t overshare details of his relationships “like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett”. Because if there’s one thing he’s known for, it’s privacy and subtlety.

Kim Kardashian visited a black-owned coffee shop in Los Angeles with Hillary Clinton and Chelsea Clinton for a new Apple+ tv show, ‘Three People Nobody Wants To Be President.’

Neil Young is demanding his music be removed from streaming service Spotify because of podcaster Joe Rogan’s vaccine misinformation. Spotify paid Joe Rogan $100 million for his podcast, then cut a farewell check to Young for 38 cents for the 2021 streams of ‘Rockin’ In The Free World’.

Consumer products company Unilever, owner of Dove and Ben & Jerry’s, cut 1,500 jobs, saying the cows still on the payroll will just have to work harder.

Google intends to replace ‘cookies’ with ‘Topics’, behaviorally-targeted advertising based on assigning sites you visit into 300 topical categories. The categories are ‘Porn’, ‘Sites Used To Hide Porn’, and 298 others.

Actor Peter Dinklage called Disney’s forthcoming live-action Snow White movie “backward”, for continuing to depict Seven Dwarfs living in a cave. Disney offered a compromise, offering Dinklage a role as the new eighth dwarf, ‘Woke’.

Janet Jackson says in a new tv biography that name-calling from brother Michael was playful, but still hurt. She claims Michael called her “pig, cow, horse” and other insults, when he would look for her penis and not find anything.

By |

Tonga recorded its first case of COVID-19. They would restrict visitors but nobody knows where it is to begin with.

Democratic Senator Kyrsten Sinema is reportedly receiving huge donations from multi-level marketing companies. Sinema is refusing to support infrastructure bills until Speaker Nancy Pelosi buys something at her Mary Kay party.

A man using a metal detector in East Norfolk, England found the largest trove of Anglo-Saxon gold coins, dating back to 630 A.D. He’ll add this to his massive find of bottle caps, dating back to a graduation party in June.

The American Journal of Public Health claims a habit of drinking sweetened sodas causes premature aging. Some coroners have already ordered autopsy forms with ‘Mountain Dew’ pre-printed in the Cause of Death section.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson claims he understands opioid addicts now, after being medicated for an emergency back surgery early this week. No further details were given, but it’s believed Carlson’s back broke from the weight of his being so full of shit.

After closing 600 stores during the pandemic, Starbucks announced plans to open as many 500 new locations in hospital intensive care units.

Will Smith said he fell in love with co-star Stockard Channing while ‘method acting’ during their filming of Six Degrees of Separation. His love was unrequited, as Channing remained in love with Kenickie while ‘method acting’ a decade earlier in Grease.

Megan Thee Stallion shared pics on Instagram, posing in a thong and adding “showed my a** and still went to class”, as she prepares to get her diploma from Texas Southern University on December 11th. She’ll become the school’s first ever Valetwerktorian.

No camera crews from Kim Kardashian’s new Hulu show were present at her dinners with comic Pete Davidson on Staten Island. So Kim fired the camera crew.

New York & Chicago are reportedly paying children $100 each to get COVID vaccines, as reports emerge of 2nd graders ‘making it rain’ at lavish playground parties with dancers spinning on monkey bars.

By |

A man in Scranton PA is wanted for tricking a woman into selling him a used iPhone for a roll of bills containing two $1s, a $10, and a Million-Dollar Bill. The woman realized the Million Dollar Bill was a fake when she didn’t see Donald Trump’s picture on it.

Walmart’s Black Friday sales ad appears to have leaked online. The deals are so good, dirtbags and their extended families are practicing stampedes at the door to their barns.

The new National Hockey League team in Seattle announced its best season tickets will sell for $12,000 to over $15,000. While expensive, they say the average fan can afford it if they just cut out five or six $6 capuccinos a day.

Disneyland guests were exposed to the measles after an infected person visited the park last week. ‘It’s A Small World’ was quarantined since none of the child robots were vaccinated.

Four American Airlines flight attendants were arrested for money laundering at Miami airport, accused of carrying thousands of dollars in cash. During interrogation, each was given a small glass of Diet Coke but were not allowed to have the whole can.

Actor William H. Macy visited wife Felicity Huffman in prison, bringing her a script with a file in it.

A list of the 50 Worst Rappers has gone viral. Will Smith and MC Hammer were not on the list, leading to speculation that the list was created by Will Smith and MC Hammer.

‘Joker’ is set to become the highest-grossing R-rated movie ever released, at least until Marvel includes a nude scene in ‘Black Widow’ or ‘Captain Marvel 2’.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook will commit $1 Billion toward creating affordable housing in California. The money will go to build 4 townhouses in San Francisco.