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WNBA star and freed Russian prisoner Britney Griner attended the 2023 Met Gala. She was invited in a guest swap after Viktor ‘Merchant of Death’ Bout RSVP’d ‘no’.

A cockroach was spotted on the red carpet at the Met Gala as celebrities arrived in their lavish apparel. Tickets to the event cost $50,000 each, which isn’t an obstacle for Ivanka Trump.

A study finds over 5,000 tons of toxic gaseous VOCs – volatile organic compounds -escaped from consumer products in 2020 in the state of California. The volume is expected to rise in proportion to the grand openings of new Taco Bell restaurants.

Hunter Biden appeared in Batesville, Arkansas to answer questions about his finances in a paternity case. Biden is seeking to lower support payments to Lunden Roberts, a woman who became pregnant when she was Hunter Biden’s laptop.

Pornhub banned access to the entirety of Utah over that state’s strict new age-verification requirement to view adult content. In other news, production has been halted on the set of Pornhub Original Production: ‘My Six Hot Mormon Stepmoms‘.

Television and film projects are expected to shut down in the wake of a Writers Guild of America strike. Writers are seeking more income from streaming, a minimum number of writing jobs on each tv show, and a guarantee of 50 Star Wars spinoffs every year on Disney+.

A woman who described herself as a ‘spiritual healer’ stands trial in New South Wales, Australia for the death of her friend, whose burns she treated with toxic mucus from a giant Amazonian monkey frog. Court observers describe testimony as ‘ribbiting’.

Convicted sex offender R. Kelly was moved from Illinois to a North Carolina prison that has housed Joe Exotic, the Unabomber, and John Hinckley, Jr. Multiple online betting apps installed Kelly as the moneyline favorite to win the prison Talent Show.

A 74-year-old Florida man was arrested for grabbing the crotch of a female American Airlines flight attendant. A spokesperson for Donald Trump reminded everyone that he’s 76 and doesn’t fly commercial.

General Mills is launching Kit Kat Cereal later this month. Or, just give your kids the candy bars for breakfast, they don’t really care either way.

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An American Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing after a bird strike set an engine on fire. Passengers deplaned and were treated to a hot lunch of roast goose before boarding a new aircraft.

Fox News parted ways with Tucker Carlson. He’s rumored to be in discussions with Comedy Central to host The Other Daily Show For Assholes.

CNN fired Don Lemon, who apparently isn’t in his prime, either.

Joe Biden officially declared his candidacy for reelection in 2023, then was corrected to 2024.

Disney’s massive layoffs of over 7,000 people have hit ESPN. The cable network was forced to lay off the WNBA.

The New York Jets acquired quarterback Aaron Rodgers from the Green Bay Packers. Rodgers is expected to report just as soon as he finds a 4-bedroom 3-bath rental house for $2,500/month like he had in Wisconsin.

E. Jean Carroll’s sexual assault trial against Donald Trump starts Tuesday, with Carroll’s lawyers making opening arguments, and Trump’s lawyers asking for clarification which sexual assault of his this is about.

Amazon Pet Day – the retailer’s two-day sale – is underway. They recommend opting for the express shipping so your purchase arrives alive.

OnlyFans model Courtney Tilia, a former teacher and married mother of four, said she’s a Christian porn star. “Oh my god” is what her subscribers say when they watch her have sex.

An intervention for former ‘Jackass’ star and addict Bam Margera failed earlier this month, according to a participant. It didn’t help that friends asked Margera to return to rehab while shooting him in the balls with rubber bullets.

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A Japanese company sent an orange-sized sphere into space, capable of transforming to a tiny lunar rover once it reaches the moon. Only they had to send a follow-up rocket because the batteries weren’t included.

Comedian Dave Chappelle brought out Elon Musk as a surprise guest at a show in San Francisco, where Musk spotted several Twitter employees in the audience and dragged them back to the office to work overnight.

Senator Bernie Sanders accused newly-independent Senator Kyrsten Sinema of sabotaging Democrat-sponsored legislation, and because she’s bisexual, of bringing plus-2s to the Senate Christmas party.

Crews in Philadelphia removed a box which had covered a statue of Christopher Columbus that the City wanted removed, but which stayed due to a judge’s ruling. When they removed the box, they discovered statues of corpses of indigenous people that Columbus murdered.

Britney Griner dunked a basketball for the first time since returning to the U.S. after her release from a Russian prison. She hasn’t decided if she’ll return to the WNBA, since she doesn’t know when she’ll be ready to play in front of two dozen people.

A new study finds every hour small children spend playing video games or watching videos increases the likelihood that they’ll develop obsessive compulsive disorder, and the likelihood that they’ll be nearly unbeatable in Fortnite.

Data collected between 2008 and 2019 show more U.S. adults combined alcohol use with marijuana use as states legalized pot, in what behavioral scientists now refer to as A Bitchin’ Double-Buzz.

A New Hampshire man died falling off the summit of Mt. Willard while taking photos with his wife during a hike. The wife requests privacy during this difficult time of deciding which pic to send to Shutterfly for the Xmas card.

Former Navy SEAL Chris Beck, who transitioned to Kristin Beck 10 years ago, announced that he’s detransitioning. He warned of the dangers of transgender health services on children, and of the difficulty getting fair value for Lane Bryant gift cards he no longer needs.

Following a blowout loss to the San Francisco 49ers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady was heard angrily saying “f##k that” – causing 49ers cheerleaders to line up until they were told he was talking about the game.

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Kanye West said he’s never read a book. For once, the world readily believes him.

Woody Allen said he has no intention of retiring. Coincidentally, Hollywood financiers said they have no intention of giving him any more money to make movies.

WNBA stars are opting not to spend their offseason playing basketball in Russia, citing the invasion of Ukraine and the imprisonment of Britney Griner. They say it’s a difficult decision because of the money, and the number of attractive Russian women.

Sources say Google’s new Apple Watch competitor, the Pixel Watch, will be priced at $349 at launch – and $199 when it’s on clearance six months later.

Peloton added a $3,195 rowing machine to its lineup of fitness equipment, so the bike you’ve stopped using doesn’t get lonely.

A new social media challenge has teenagers cooking chicken in Nyquil. Despite sending dozens of teens to the hospital, KFC is now offering Nyquil as a dipping sauce.

A Jack In The Box employee fired gunshots at a drive-thru customer following an argument over curly fries. The employee missed, but then the customer pulled up to the second window and was hit.

An Italian man tested positive for COVID-19, monkeypox and HIV all in the same day. He told his recent sex partners “I think you should get tested…and tested..and tested.”

A nurse on Only Fans says she was fired because co-workers were watching her adult content while on the job. But now she knows why doctors were bringing their laptops in to the operating room.

A 27-year-old man in India shoved an 8-inch can of deodorant in to his rectum, where it remained for three weeks until doctors removed it. They were able to lubricate the area with the contents of a can of shaving cream he’d also shoved up there.

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Married math & science teachers are both accused of inappropriate sexual contact with an underage high school student. They did, however, pique his interest in STEM education.

A Colorado Avalanche fan was banned for the season after scattering a small amount of his deceased friends ashes on the ice. Avalanche officials said the only foreign objects allowed on the ice are pucks, blood, teeth, and, of course, hats if someone scores three goals.

Viral video shows a British Columbia woman rescuing her pet goose from an eagle attack, while breastfeeding her infant child. She rebuffed advances from the eagle, who said that he was still hungry also.

An alligator dragged and killed a person in a pond near the Myrtle Beach, SC Golf & Yacht Club. Officials say the alligator was euthanized, and earlier this year had been kicked out of the club.

A Burger King employee went viral for showing off the measly gifts – including a movie ticket, mug & Life Savers – given to him for his 27-year anniversary spitting in hamburgers at the same restaurant.

Disney/Pixar’s ‘Lightyear’ underperformed at the box office, with speculation that some viewers avoided it because of a gay female character. Exit polls said if people wanted to see animated lesbians, they can go to a WNBA game.

A recent airline survey named Kansas City, MO the best city for a ‘working vacation’ – defined by the survey’s authors as “a sh!tty vacation”.

A bullfighting arena in Colombia collapsed, leading to immediate regret by everyone who wore a red shirt to the bullfights.

Costco recalled a solar lighting patio umbrella because it could overheat and create a fire hazard. Customer are advised to return it, or to only use it indoors.

A South Carolina man won $100,000 using a $25-a-week spending strategy he saw on the TLC show ‘Lottery Changed My Life’. Hundreds of thousands of other viewers are out twenty-five bucks.

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Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

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The WNBA New York Liberty waived Layshia Clarendon, the league’s first trans & non-binary player. After being claimed off waivers, Clarendon now identifies as a Minnesota Lynx.

Fans have been banned for dumping popcorn, throwing a water bottle, and spitting on, players in Washington, Philadelphia and New York. The fans explained they behaved this way at NBA Playoff games because they couldn’t get NHL Playoff tickets.

Ben & Jerry’s still have not introduced their new CBD-infused ice cream. They say more consumer education is needed to keep people from trying to smoke it.

Kate Winslet said she told the director not to edit out her bulging belly during a sex scene in HBO series Mare Of Easttown. She also told the director not to listen to her male co-star, who asked for a 24-year-old body double for the scene.

Pope Francis has rewritten Catholic Church law regarding sexual abuse, insisting bishops take immediate action against priests who abuse minors and vulnerable adults. This replaces the Church’s existing ‘Twenty Strikes” rule for sex abuse.

China wants couples to have more kids. The government had restricted families to one child, but expanded that to three, saying all those iPhones and iPads aren’t going to build themselves.

World #2 tennis player Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open, citing anxiety and depression. Osaka plans to work through her faults.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson says he sees no evidence why England can’t reopen in June. Residents are excited to dine on terrible British food in restaurants so they don’t have to make it for themselves at home.

Tiger Woods said rehab from leg injuries suffered in a car crash is “more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced….including gonorrhea”.

A baseball player in the Dominican Republic was banned for life after attacking a home plate umpire with his bat and batting helmet. The player went 1-for-2, hitting the ump with the bat, but missing with the thrown helmet.

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Derek Chauvin will not testify in his own defense at his murder trial. Chauvin informed the judge that it was his sole decision, just after his lawyer took his knee off of Chauvin’s neck.

The Chauvin trial jury is now expected to deliberate murder charges for the duration of an elevator ride to the jury room, then take another ride back to the courtroom and announce their conviction.

Democrats introduced legislation expanding the Supreme Court to 13 justices, and a separate bill to add a second Judge Judy who isn’t so mean all the time.

Mercedes-Benz debuted the EQS, its new all-electric car. The EQS has a ‘Power Nap’ mode for rest stops that reclines the seat, darkens the cabin, plays soothing sounds, and wakes up the driver if they’re having a bad dream about being poor.

Scientists have grown hybrid monkey/human embryos that survive up to three weeks in a lab. An unnamed investor is hoping combo monkey/humans can be fully developed so they can staff Amazon Warehouses.

Dr. Dre must find a new lawyer in his divorce proceedings, because his attorney had represented both Dre & his estranged wife in the past. The attorney objected, but the judge overruled his motion to dismizzle.

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez broke off their engagment. During this difficult time, neither asks for privacy.

The WNBA held its annual draft last night. “Really? I missed it.” said multiple players drafted by the WNBA.

A rare condition known as ‘superfetation’ resulted in a British woman conceiving a second child three weeks after first becoming pregnant, then delivering both as twins. She almost achieved superduperfetation, but the twins told a triplet to get lost.

Cuba’s Raul Castro, 89, resigned as Communist Party President. He said he hoped to celebrate with a cigar, but is worried his skin will catch fire.

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Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

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Cellmate, a chastity sex toy that covers the penis and is controlled by an app, left users at risk of permanent lock-in due to a security flaw. Nevertheless, the Coalition of Gay Locksmiths said they’d be happy to help out anyone who’s stuck.

The Seattle Storm swept the Las Vegas Aces 3 games to 0, winning the WNBA title. Rioters flooded the streets, but that’s every weeknight in downtown Seattle.

Two women shared a Nobel Prize for “rewriting the code of life”. Unfortunately, the rewritten code of life is the CRISPR gene editing tool, not a zero-calorie mojito recipe. [joke h/t to KBM]

Mike Pence’s team reportedly doesn’t want a plexiglass barrier at the Vice Presidential debate – he prefers an opaque curtain so he doesn’t have to see another woman.

Cruise lines are reducing the number of vessels, and some send retired ships to Aliaga, Turkey so they can be torn apart and sold for scrap. Workers tearing down the ships say the hardest part is getting all the bodies of old people out of the way.

QAnon has been removed from Facebook – but remains a proud founding sponsor of Parler.

Slack announced that in 2021, users will be able to send Slack messages to workers at other companies – a breakthrough that will let employees sexually harass people who work somewhere else.

Two more Tennessee Titans tested positive for COVID-19, putting Sunday’s game at risk after last weekend’s was postponed. They may become the first NFL team with a Bye-Bye week.

A Chicago study found four out of five COVID-19 patients showed effects of the disease in their brain. A study of White House COVID-19 patients showed there wasn’t much more damage that COVID-19 could do.

The air leak on the International Space Station is worse than initially believed. But the good news is they can install the new toilet they’re getting next to it.