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Donald Trump issued a flurry of Presidential pardons, including former Illinois Governor and ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Rod Blagojevich.  The pardon was issued in January, but it took a month to figure out who Ron Blagoyawitz was.

McDonald’s is now offering their 50th Anniversary Shamrock Shake. Arby’s is offering the Shamrock Sandwich – it’s the usual mauve roast beef that turned green with age.

Walmart officials don’t yet know how their sales & profits will be impacted by the coronavirus. Although they do expect added expense relabeling most of their products ‘Made In The Good Part of China’.

Larry Tesler, the Apple employee who invented Cut/Copy/Paste commands, was Deleted at age 74 after a brief illness. [Story h/t to Guy S.]

A Pennsylvania man who fled the scene of a hit-and-run accident on foot was arrested after being attacked by a coyote. The Chief of Police issued a medal of commendation to the Coyote for catching the Road-Runner.

Johnny Depp alleges that ex-wife Amber Heard defecated on their bed after a fight. While fans take sides amidst the couple’s bitter split, no one is thinking to ask how the cleaning lady is doing.

Nearly all of the employees at Orlando’s religious theme park, Holy Land Experience, will lose their jobs this spring. A memo to staffers reads ‘The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away and will not payeth severance.”

A Scottish man claims to be in extreme pain after surgery to implant metal rods in his penis left him with a permanent erection. He also claims to have lost weight because he can’t go near the refrigerator without the magnets flying off and hitting it.

General Mills plans to revive flagging sales of breakfast cereal by going upscale, including charging up to $13/box. Although it’s unclear who wants to start their day with Caviar Cheerios.

Philadelphia is rolling out kiosks that let car owners pay for parking after entering their license plate. Drivers who can’t remember their license plate can simply press a button reading ‘Stolen Car’.

 

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Michael Bloomberg was declared eligible to participate in the next Democratic Party Presidential Debate. In other news, the debate moderator bought a boat.

Walmart said their Holiday 2019 shopping season “wasn’t as good as expected”. They said the first hint was when Black Friday Doorbuster concussions dropped 50% from last year.

Disney World’s iconic Cinderella Castle is getting a makeover. The news was reported by customers at an Orlando Home Depot, who saw Cinderella and Prince Charming arguing about paint colors.

Vendors are complaining about electicity costs at the Philadelphia Flower Show. 10 days of power for a booth cost $165 in 2019, and over $400 this year. The local electricians union said the added cost is protection money to rough up rats chewing power lines.

Instagram & YouTube fitness model Zoe Klopfer discovered her photographer had hidden a camera in her bathroom, capturing images of her nude and using the toilet. Klopfer has over 240,000 followers; the toilet account now has over a million.

IKEA Dubai is letting customers discount their purchase by showing how long it took them to get to the store with their Google Maps timeline. Customers traveling an hour to the store are excited to save money on products taking them four hours to assemble incorrectly.

Boy Scouts of America declared bankruptcy, after their plan to offer limited-edition Dropping Sexual Assault Lawsuit merit badges didn’t get much traction.

Chinese restaurants in major U.S. cities are claiming their business is down as much as 50% over fears of the COVID-19 coronavirus – and sales of #19 combos are almost non-existent.

White House adviser Stephen Miller married Mike Pence’s press secretary Katie Waldman on Sunday. No word on when, or if, they plan to welcome children for sacrifice to Satan.

TV hit ‘Riverdale’ is getting a spinoff, ‘Katy Keene’, which features an abundance of LGBTQ characters and story lines – like refusing to be served at Pop’s Choklit Shoppe, and taking a half-hour to explain to Moose what ‘gay’ is.

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The United States and the Taliban reached tentative agreement on a ‘seven day reduction in violence’. “Okay, fellas, take the rest of the week off” said the head Taliban guy to his staff of decapitators.

A 98-year-old Pennsylvania woman still sells Girl Scout cookies. She said this year she’s raising more money than last year, when she gave the order form to her Mom to bring in to her work. [story h/t to KN]

The United States evacuated most American passengers on a cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus. Some passengers refused to be evacuated, continuing to camp out next to the buffet waiting for the crab legs to arrive.

Tiger Woods may skip the Summer Olympics Golf Tournament in Japan, because he’s just not that into Asian chicks.

Donald & Melania Trump attended the Daytona 500 and issued the traditional command for racers to start their engines, but only after mistakenly yelling “fore” twice.

Melania was offered the chance to ride in a NASCAR race car, but declined after circling it for an hour trying to find the back seat.

Police in Northern California found 1,400 marijuana plants and seized 440 pounds of marijuana from inside of a building, then they finished giving their speech at the elementary school’s Career Day.

A girl and ten of her friends celebrated her 8th birthday at an Atlanta-area Target store, dressing in red shirts and khakis as employees. All were busted attempting to shoplift Barbies and fleeing through the employee exit.

Jon Bon Jovi is selling his French chateau mansion in New Jersey for $20 million. It’s the priciest French estate in New Jersey, worth ten times as much as a Au Bon Pain in Newark.

Augusta National Golf Club, home of The Masters, unveiled its latest renovation, a tunnel connecting the course to the ‘broadcast village’ used by CBS and ESPN. It’s the most expensive structure built on the grounds since they finished the bungalow for Tiger Woods’ hookers.

 

 

 

 

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Eastern Kentucky linebacker Michael Harris was arrested after dashcam video shows him lifting a police officer over his head during his arrest. He remains in jail, but is hoping to get out in time to bench-press cops at the NFL Combine.

Attorney General William Barr told ABC News that President Trump’s tweets “make it impossible to do my job”. Meanwhile, Trump is telling aides that the new White House intern’s tight blouses and skirts “make it impossible to do my job.”

Subaru received low scores in the J.D. Power Vehicle Dependability Study, based mostly on responses from the member of broken-up female couples who don’t get to use the Subaru anymore.

Walmart announced it’s discontinuing their ‘high-end personal shopping service’, Jetblack. Walmart said it was losing money on the $50-a-month service, despite being able to pay six employees for $50 a month.

Genea Sky, a stripper whose fall from a 15-foot pole was seen millions of times, said she no longer wants to dance again. Sky said she suffered a fractured jaw, although it’s unclear whether that was caused by the fall, or a busy night in the Champagne Room.

A California lab claims to have created a coronavirus vaccine. They plan to start testing on humans this summer, just as soon as they can round up 100 people who each have coronavirus and $50,000 cash.

Roku claims that, by 2024, half of U.S. cable households will have cancelled their video service. Comcast disputed that claim, saying it’s impossible when their current on-hold times to disconnect TV average around three years.

Aerosmith welcomed back drummer Joey Kramer, after telling him he couldn’t perform with the band at the Grammys. Band members admitted they couldn’t really see or hear who was playing the drums, anyway.

Southwest is cancelling almost 400 daily summer flights each day because of Boeing’s cancellation of the 737 MAX. They’re communicating the news to passengers by telling them they’re in boarding group Z.

Universal is planning to open a “Classic Monsters” land in its Epic Universe Theme Park. Kids will be able to interact with scary monsters of yesteryear, such as Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman – and the grandparents who came along on the trip.

 

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Andrew Yang ended his Presidential campaign, citing difficulty gaining voter recognition from behind his face mask.

The World Health Organization officially named the Wuhan coronavirus COVID-19. Next up, the W.H.O. is throwing COVID-19’s gender reveal party.

Cable company Optimum announced price increases up to $30/month for tv packages, citing “increased costs of programming that you never watch.”

Google Nest home security cameras will require two-factor authentication beginning this spring. After entering the first password, the hacker looking at your kid’s bedroom will ask for the second password sent to your email.

Philadelphia is considering widespread changes to its public bus routes. They claim statistics show buses are running slower than ever; and by “statistics” they mean the number of pedestrians run over by buses.

Cambodia will allow a Holland America cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus to dock, after five other countries refused it. Cambodian officials agreed to let the ship in after the captain told them how much food they had on board.

Pope Francis delayed a decision whether to allow married men to serve as priests in the Amazon region, adding that, until he does, they’re free to keep up whatever crazy jungle love they’ve got going on.

JD Power released its 2020 list of the Most Dependable Vehicles. Topping the list – the Lexus ES. The least dependable vehicle is the one driven by your stoner buddy who said he’d pick you up at the airport.

Scientists have detected an “unexplainable radio signal” from outer space that repeats every 16 days. The scientists have repeatedly attempted to make contact with the signal source, but have yet to win Mötley Crüe tickets.

A new online startup, Ever Loved, promises to disrupt the funeral industry, offering caskets for 50% less than those sold by mortuaries. Although some buyers are put off by the caskets sold as Certified Pre Owned.

 

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Following a disappointing box office debut for ‘Birds of Prey’, Warner Bros. and DC Comics asked theaters to change the name to ‘Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey’. Apparently a different studio tried this a couple months ago with ‘Taylor Swift: Cats’, but she sued for $100 million to stop it.

UK reality tv star Cecilia Jastrzembska was arrested in Maldives for wearing a bikini near a mosque. She was held for an hour an a half until cops were able to correctly spell her last name.

Southwest Airlines, as part of standard preflight announcements, is now asking passengers to report ‘unwelcome behavior’. So far no passengers have reported unwelcome touching, but dozens have reported flight attendants for lousy jokes.

Google’s head of human resources is stepping down amidst employee tension over the right to protest, and after a series of terrible cakes purchased for employee birthday parties in the break room.

A New York deli is offering customers five seconds to grab free food if they can solve simple math problems. Some deli patrons are offering the deli owners their life if they can solve how to hand over all the cash in the register.

A franchisee that owns 73 Sonic Drive-In locations declared bankruptcy. They say they face huge debt, reduced cash flow, and a mountain of lawsuits to clean up car interiors where customers threw up chili cheesedogs.

Disney World Hollywood Studios’ ‘Star Wars: A Galaxy Far, Far Away’ – a stage show featuring characters acting out scenes – will shut down this month. In its place, Darth Vader, Chewbacca, Rey & Kylo Ren will star in ’12 Angry Men, Wookies & Droids’.

Lloyd Black, a 91-year-old who exercises in denim overalls, is ‘Member of the Month’ at Anytime Fitness in Semmes, Alabama. He says he wears baggy overalls because they’re comfortable, and they hide his excitement seeing women working out in yoga overalls.

Prosecutors in the college admissions scandal released the fake rowing resume that Lori Loughlin’s daughter used to gain admission to USC. They say suspicions were raised when she referred to oars as water-paddle-thingies.

Virginia lawmakers officially made it legal for unmarried couples to have sex. Although rarely enforced, couples previously faced fines up to $250 for intercourse. In a related move, Virginia Beach prostitutes announced a $150 price drop.

 

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Steamboat Springs, Colorado shot off the world’s largest firework – weighing 2,800 pounds – at its winter carnival.  Roughly a thousand dogs and cats have not been seen since.

Bong Joon-ho won Best Director and his film ‘Parasite’ won Best Picture at the Oscars. It was a big night for ‘ho’s as Blac Chyna also was invited to the Oscars for some reason.

Oscars coverage started at 6:30p.m. Eastern time, and concluded around 11p.m. – about enough time to get halfway through ‘The Irishman’.

Bill Gates is reportedly considering the purchase of a 112-foot superyacht, powered by liquid hydrogen, at a price of $644 million. It has a helipad, gym, swimming pools, and a galley full of slaves to paddle it since nobody knows where to buy liquid hydrogen.

The XFL debuted over the weekend, with attendance of over 17,000 at each of the four games. Players are so confident, they’re already asking for next weekend off from their regular jobs.

Chinese health officials report 1,000 deaths from the Wuhan coronavirus, and say that 40,000 people sickened may be the “tip of the iceberg”. They said that because one of the cruise ships quarantined for coronavirus struck an iceberg.

The new craze in skin care is ‘dermaplaning’, where vellus, or ‘peach fuzz’ hair and a top layer of dead skin cells are removed. Experts warn the procedure should only be done by a licensed dermatologist with a surgical scalpel, or a buddy looking to try out his new belt sander.

A stripper in Texas fell off of a 15-foot pole on to the stage below, then began twerking –or, as the EMTs who arrived later called it, convulsing.

Chipotle is offering a ‘Guac Mode’ promotion, free guacamole to new & existing Chipotle Rewards members in February. This is different than their longstanding ‘Emergency Mode’ program, which is what they call Rewards program members contracting E.coli.

Warner Bros/DC Comics film ‘Birds of Prey’ – highlighting DC villainess Harley Quinn – opened with $33 million at the weekend box office, far short of the $45-55 million projected. Analysts blamed competition from the Oscars, the movie’s R rating, and not enough naked Birds.

 

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Lucky’s, an organic grocery store in the midwestern U.S., announced that it’s closing most of its stores. Since it’s organic, their inventory will liquidate itself in a day or two.

Disney CEO Bob Iger apologized and pledged a donation after a licensing arm charged a PTA meeting $250 for showing a DVD of The Lion King at a ‘Parents Night Out’ fundraiser. To avoid Disney conflicts, the PTA announced next month’s DVD will be Naughty Night-Call Nurses 13.

Aurora Cannabis, a Canadian company with aggressive plans for global expansion, announced 500 layoffs. A spokesperson for the workers said “..wait…what?…”

A UCLA analysis concluded that coffee had a “strong and consistent protective association” with prevention of colorectal and uterine cancers; adding the protective effects are achieved by drinking it, not by pouring it in, or near, those organs.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards annouced that he quit cigarette smoking in October, and that he now looks and feels like a 98-year-old.

A study of hospital emergency room visits in 2018 claims 3,800 people sought medical help for pizza-related injuries. They include finger lacerations with pizza cutters, mouth burns, and DDUI – the second D is for Domino’s .

Pregnant WWE wrestlers Nikki and Brie Bella revealed they both conceived their babies in the same place, and – after a lengthy explanatory discussion from their ob/gyn – in pretty much the same way.

Norwegian Cruise Lines is refusing to refund the $32,000 paid by a family who cancelled a cruise to Asia over coronavirus concerns. Norwegian offered the family credit to use on a different cruise where they can contract norovirus and the flu instead.

Finley, a golden retriever in Canandaigua, New York is able to fit six tennis balls in his mouth without any human assistance. The dog’s owners are being bombarded with inquiries about talk show appearances and to see if he has a Grindr profile yet.

Antarctica temperatures hit a record 65 degrees. It’s so warm, penguins are giving seals buzz-cuts.

 

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The United States Senate acquitted Donald Trump in his impeachment trial. Trump issued a statement calling the decision a complete and total exoneration of banging Stormy Daniels and that Playmate.

Yum Brands – owner of Taco Bell, KFC & Pizza Hut – warned their 2020 results would be impacted by the Wuhan coronavirus. Yum has also halted the rollout of Stuffed Crust Wolf Lovers pizza, Wolf Chalupas, and Famous Wolf Bowls.

Google Maps is getting a redesign, making it easier to accept faster routes that save you 45 seconds by routing you through unfamiliar crime-riddled streets.

February 6th marks the first day of new federal regulations restricting sales of flavored vape pods and eliminating the marketing of vapes to minors. Disney Channel announced they’ll no longer air the episode ‘Handy Manny’s Mango Juul Break’.

Website BroadbandNow released its annual ranking of states where it’s easiest and hardest to get high-speed internet access for $60/month or less. Hawaii was ranked easiest, Alaska was ranked hardest, and Mississippi didn’t participate because who has $60 to throw around?!

Coca-Cola started aggressive marketing for its new Coke Energy drinks, for people who crave the unmistakable original Coke taste and an irregular heartbeat.

Google filed an application with the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office for an operating system it’s calling ‘Pigweed’. The Trump Administration seeks to block it, saying that’s the name they already registered for Nancy Pelosi.

Nike plans a summer 2020 release of its controversial Air Zoom Alphafly NEXT running shoe. The shoe was worn by Kenyan Eliud Kipchoge when he broke the two-hour marathon barrier, and will be worn by thousands hoping to break the ten-minute barrier waiting in line at Starbucks.

After proposing marriage to his dead wife’s maid of honor on the Dr Oz show, Dog the Bounty Hunter celebrated his birthday at Benihana with friends and family. The Asian servers serenaded Dog with ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘No I Don’t Want To Marry You’.

Peloton stock price dropped 12%, as executives reported more Peloton Wives gaining 10% and dropping husbands.