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Dozens of people were killed in a stampede during a funeral procession for Maj. General Qassim Suleimani in Iran. Officials blamed the first-come, first-served post funeral buffet lunch.

Jury selection begins today in the Harvey Weinstein trial. The judge refused Weinstein’s request to interview prospective jurors in a hotel room wearing a bathrobe.

Zhenmeat, a Beijing start-up, is attempting to launch a meat-substitute business in China. starting with a plant-based pork substitute. They plan other products, but say it’s hard turning plants into chicken feet.

To combat ‘deepfake’ trickery, Facebook said it will remove videos that are heavily manipulated by artificial intelligence. Facebook will continue to allow videos that are manipulated by no intelligence.

7-Eleven terminated a franchise in Japan because the owner closed on New Year’s Day. 7-Eleven found out the franchisee closed after hearing local emergency rooms failed to see a single patient on January 1st who was food poisoned by microwave burritos.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck Puerto Rico. President Trump is meeting with disaster response officials to ensure they have enough paper towels.

Owners of the Nintendo Switch gaming console filed a class action lawsuit, claiming the system’s controllers are defective. They’re seeking replacement controllers and compensation for the time-out they got for throwing a tantrum when they lost a game.

Amidst stories of predecessor Gregg Easterbrook flirting with female employees,  McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski is taking steps to change the company’s party-like executive culture, starting by stripping Ronald of Chief Executive Clown status.

Samsung debuted a new TV that rotates to optimize vertical images and videos from smartphones. They say landscape mode is still optimal for looking at breast pics & videos, but that vertical is best for penises.

Pill bottles full of bedbugs were found in a Pennsylvania Walmart changing room. Police don’t know if it was an act of sabotage, or a botched delivery to the Mattress Firm next door.

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A guest at Walt Disney World shared video of smoke pouring from the entrance to the PeopleMover ride – next to where Huey, Dewey & Louie stood red-eyed & coughing as they passed something behind their backs.

Rod Stewart allegedly punched a security guard at a private New Year’s Eve party in Palm Beach, Florida. A court date was set for early February. Stewart, through a spokesman, said “If you want my body, and you think I’m guilty, come on let me know.”

U-Haul said it won’t hire nicotine users in the 21 states where it’s legal to do so. They say they only want the healthiest workers renting oversized, heavy trucks to inexperienced drivers who crash them.

Samsung was rumored to be working on a project called ‘Neon’ – believed to be an “artificial human” – but which, on closer inspection, turned out to just be a really quiet Korean guy.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick refused to answer questions about his team’s future following their season-ending defeat, saying he can’t do so until video assistants give him information about other teams’ futures.

A Japanese businessman paid $1.8 million for a 612-pound bluefin tuna, then set a world record for giving the largest number of people bad breath.

Ahead of Marvel Studios summer blockbuster ‘Black Widow’, comic book website CBR listed Black Widow’s superpowers. They include super intelligence, super healing, super lifespan, and the super ability to get a movie made about the most boring Avenger.

Walmart plans to grow business by offering more upscale alcohol options in stores. The biggest challenge is convincing high-end wine and liquor makers to put their products in jugs with NASCAR logos on them.

Following the airstrike that killed Qassem Soleimani, a man eulogizing the Iranian leader offered an $80 million bounty on Donald Trump. Eric & Don Jr. promptly invited their Dad on a rhino hunting trip, with a 24-hour layover in Tehran on the way home.

Keep Labs won an innovation award at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show for a product that locks up cannabis products to keep them safe and fresh. It opens via fingerprint recognition, because most users are too baked to remember combinations.

Also at the Consumer Electronics Show, the Consumer Technology Association is permitting the display of, and awards for, sex toys. Or, as they’re known outside of Las Vegas, prostitutes.

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Hershey’s Chocolate is retiring their ‘Kissmobiles’, large motorized vehicles in the shape of wrapped Hershey’s Kisses. They say the 20-year-old vehicles are in disrepair because they keep melting on hot days.

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio blasted Domino’s for selling $30 pizzas to New Year’s Eve revelers in Times Square. Event sponsor Planet Fitness echoed his sentiment, saying if people wanted, they could join for 20 cents and get pizza for free.

Ricki Lake shaved her head after revealing her nearly 30-year-struggle with hair loss. She’s now ready to begin struggling with hair growth.

A Florida jury awarded $4 million to a Disney Cruise worker struck by a car while off the ship in a port-of-call, saying she received inadequate medical care from ship doctors. The doctors argued that they couldn’t treat her properly because she would only quack.

Greyhound Bus Lines is offering free tickets to runaways seeking to reunite with their families. To qualify, the rider must call a runaway hotline, be between 12 and 21 years old, and decide that a Greyhound bus ride is somehow better than life on the street.

The National Hockey League fined Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella $20,000 for a postgame rant about officiating following a loss. Tortorella could have just punched a referee instead and gotten a five-minute timeout.

A new Gallup poll of Americans named Michelle Obama the “most admired woman” of 2019.  Respondents were asked to name a woman they admired, and after men replied with the name of a porn star or Instagram model, they were told ‘not like that’.

The Mediterranean diet was named the best diet by U.S. News and World Report. The popular Keto diet ranked next-to-last, but only because someone entered The Taco Bell Diet.

A 58-year-old man missing in the Grand Canyon for 11 days was found alive. Search crews resumed efforts trying to find him after initially waiting to see if Santa Claus could do it.

Consumer advocates advise people not to abbreviate 2020 as 20 on paper checks and legal documents, claiming that doing so makes the digits easily changeable and subject to fraud. The same advocates also advise people writing paper checks to learn how to use a goddamned computer.

 

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Congress passed The TRACED Act, bipartisan legislation to expand consumer protection against annoying robocalls. So say goodbye to all those great deals on health insurance and extended car warranties.

Stacy London, fashion influencer and co-host of cable show ‘What Not To Wear’, introduced her new girlfriend on Instagram. No word on who doesn’t wear the pants in their relationship.

The City of Philadelphia named Danielle Outlaw, former police chief of Portland, OR, to be their new police commissioner. She’s the first African-American woman to hold the post, and the first Outlaw to lead the Philadelphia Police Department since last week.

Philadelphia recorded 355 homicides in 2019, surpassing New York City’s murder total. Combined with the Eagles’ 2019 wins over the Jets & Giants, Philly fully cemented bragging rights.

Comedian Kathy Griffin, a former staple of New Year’s Eve tv celebrations, instead got married to her longtime boyfriend shortly after midnight. Instead of watching the Waterford crystal ball drop in Times Square, she disrobed and watched her fiancee’s balls drop in California.

Pope Francis apologized following the viral video that showed him slapping at a woman who grabbed his arm in St. Peter’s Square. His Holiness said he lost patience with her, and that he’ll find a more constructive way to keep his pimp hand strong.

The Food & Drug Administration plans to ban e-cigarette & vaping flavor cartridges except for traditional tobacco and menthol. The FDA decision was announced at a press conference launching new Fruity Mango Marlboros.

Google Health demonstrated artificial intelligence they claim is better than human evaluation at detecting breast cancer, and also 100% less likely to say “wow!” when looking at women’s breasts.

Drivers in Washington state were trapped in their cars when high winds blew tumbleweeds on to local highways. Once the tumbleweeds were removed, the drivers were able to get out of their cars for pistol duels at ten paces.

Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige told an audience in New York that a transgender character will be introduced to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. No more details were shared, but in a related story, Hulk announced his pronouns as ‘them’ and ‘they’.

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The Cleveland Browns fired head coach Freddie Kitchens, leaving him unemployed, but free to leave Cleveland.

Amazon now has 200,000 robots working in warehouses, double the number they had a year ago. They claim robots free up human workers to do what they do best – solve problems, think on their feet, and lose their jobs.

Congress passed the Television Viewer Protection Act of 2019, requiring cable tv operators to disclose the full price of cable at the time a customer signs up, as well as the price a day later, when they increase it.

Business Insider asked flight attendants from major U.S. airlines to name their favorite jet aircraft to fly & work on. The Airbus A321 tied for first along with ‘whichever one has the fewest dopes sitting in it’.

Fox News may go off the air for customers of 750 independent cable companies unless a new fee agreement is reached by January 31st. This worries executives at the cable companies, and grandchildren of racist senior citizens who may have to talk to their grandparents if there’s nothing they’ll watch on tv.

Authorities in Florida struck a 70-year-old grandmother three times with a stun gun after she refused to let cops search her home for her grandson. She was charged with obstruction, battery on a police officer, and being a pretty poor conductor of electricity.

Former President Barack Obama shared his annual list of favorite books for 2019. President Donald Trump also listed his favorite books – the ones stacked under the tv remote.

Actress Mandy Moore thanked American Airlines for tracking down her iPad that she mistakenly left on a plane. They’re still working on finding her dog.

Sharon Stone was reportedly kicked off the dating app Bumble – where women initiate contact with prospective dates – when men claimed her profile was fake. Stone was reinstated, then kicked off again, claiming her Total Recall profile pics were from last week.

In just six seconds, a shooter opened fire on a church service in Texas, then was shot dead himself by churchgoers. Those who downed the initial shooter said their quick response came from altar boy training.

 

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The FDA approved Ubrelvy,  the first-of-its-kind drug that promises immediate symptom relief for migraines. Unfortunately, it doesn’t also put her in the mood.

A foreclosed 10-bedroom mansion in Auburn, New York was being offered by the city for just $50,000. However, buyers had to submit a full restoration plan as part of the purchase. The city started evaluating bids by eliminating restoration plans that started with dynamite.

Tesla will start delivery of its first Model 3 electric cars made in China. So far the number one requested option is removal of the large Made in China sticker on the trunk.

Thousands of unsold cut Christmas trees are repurposed after the holidays, used on beaches to limit sand erosion and eaten by goats or other livestock. One problem, however, is keeping the tree-eating livestock from being swept to sea at high tide.

The FDA officially raised the minimum age to buy tobacco products from 18 to 21. The shift has already caused one 19-year-old to lose his job as the Young Marlboro Man.

Nike’s Colin Kaepernick ‘True to 7’ sneaker sold out within minutes of being listed for sale in the Nike app. The shoes are expected to become sought-after collector’s items, or the official footwear of people who can’t get a job.

January’s Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas is expected to be a huge showcase for the Google Assistant. Google will showcase the utility of the Assistant in Las Vegas, as thousands of visitors ask “Hey Google, where can I get drugs and hookers?”

Russia is reportedly in the final stages of building its own self-contained Internet. They plan to test its effectiveness by seeing how well it can screw up local elections.

A woman traveling with an abusive man was aided by McDonald’s employees after she mouthed “help me” at the drive-thru window, alerting police who arrested him. The restaurant manager said they see several drive-thru customers say “help me” every day, but that they’re usually heart attacks or strokes.

Kylie Jenner was slammed on social media for giving her one-year-old daughter Stormi a diamond ring for Christmas, then posting a photo of her wearing it. She deleted that photo, and posted a different photo of the family looking for the ring after Stormi ate it.

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Hip-hop star Megan Thee Stallion told Essence magazine about spending her first Christmas without her mother. Asked if she was sad, Thee Stallion clomped once for ‘yes’.

The last solar eclipse of the year, not visible in North America, was viewable via live streams and YouTube. It’s the first eclipse you had to skip ads to see.

The same-sex kiss in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, was edited out for cinemas in Singapore. It was either that, or the gay couple had to accept their punishment being candy caned.

Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park broke a record, erupting 47 times in 2019. Steamboat thanked Geyagra.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, eating in a 6-hour window and fasting for 18 hours may help you live longer, provided the 6 hours doesn’t include a stop at Checkers.

A newly married 26-year-old woman was charged with defrauding her 77-year-old husband, cashing checks for almost $1 million. On the same day, she was arraigned & held on bail, and her story was made into a Lifetime tv movie.

Leonardo Dicaprio’s mother is reportedly worried that if he remains noncomittal, Leo will drive model/girlfriend Camilla Morrone away. For his part, Leo is worried his model/girlfriend won’t take the hint.

Miley Cyrus settled her divorce from Liam Hemsworth on what would have been their 1-year anniversary. Appropriate, since the traditional First Anniversary gift is Paper.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian gave their daughter North a coat once owned by Michael Jackson as a gift for her 6th birthday. They then rushed her to the ER after she ate the quaaludes she found in the pockets.

University of Memphis Athletic Director Laird Veitch wished his former head football coach Mike Norvell well in his new job at Florida State, telling FSU officials they “hit a home run”. Veitch added “I’m not good at sports metaphors.”

 

 

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A North Carolina woman’s windshield was smashed when struck by a large catfish dropped by a bird.  The woman was not injured, but several of the bird’s friends were arrested on a highway overpass preparing to drop more catfish on passing cars.

Bill Cosby’s spokesman criticized Eddie Murphy’s joke about Cosby during his Saturday Night Live monologue, saying Cosby paved the way for other black entertainers. Cosby did not see the joke himself, but he pretty much can’t see anything these days.

‘Cats’ the movie opened to horrible reviews, garnering just 18% ‘fresh’ on Rotten Tomatoes. Theater workers also complained, saying they’ve never picked up such disgusting litter as they did cleaning up after Cats.

Two Carnival cruise ships collided in Cozumel, Mexico. Cleaning didn’t work, so one of the captains tried to knock the norovirus off his ship.

A drunken, incoherent fan crashed the postgame press conference of Philadelphia Eagles coach Doug Pederson. He was quickly taken away so the drunken, incoherent Philadelphia press could ask their questions.

Alaska Airlines blamed rampant delays on an unusual amount of baggage handlers calling in sick, and apologized for an “awful holiday travel experience”. Spirit Airlines called their own awful holiday travel experience “business as usual”.

A woman claims hundreds of pieces of tiny red glitter reading ‘Ho’ fell off wrapping paper she bought at Target, saying that her house has ‘Ho’s everywhere — just the latest instance of Hos making life hard for wrappers.

Jennifer Lopez told Business Insider that she limits her children’s ‘screen time’ each week. ‘Screen time’ is what JLo calls it when her kids are in the same room with her.

24 states and 48 cities will raise their minimum wage on January 1st, 2020. In response, Chipotle doubled avocado shipments to accommodate the newly-minted rich who can now pay a bit extra for guacamole.

Boeing’s CEO resigned amidst fallout from the company’s 737-MAX disaster. He told close friends the worst part was having to fly coach on the way home after.

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A family in Georgia found a live screech owl living in their family Christmas tree. With assistance from a local wildlife expert, the owl eventually left. “Finally” said the rat and two squirrels also living in the tree.

Rivers Casino in Philadelphia was fined $62,500 for allowing three different underage gamblers to play slots and table games. They were discovered after becoming belligerent with cocktail servers about the time it was taking to get their juice boxes.

Eight-year-old Ryan Kaji, who reviews toys on YouTube, was named the video platform’s top earner in 2019, with $26 million. Meanwhile, an anonymous 18-year-old woman was named Pornhub’s highest earner, getting four free t-shirts.

Christianity Today, an evangelical magazine, called for Donald Trump’s removal from the presidency, in what’s being called their most scathing prayer ever.

Nancy Pelosi said she’s waiting to send Articles of Impeachment to the Senate, until there’s more clarity on the rules governing President Trump’s trial, and because she hasn’t found the right Hallmark card to put them in.

The film adaptation of ‘Cats’ garnered mostly negative reviews, which is what happens when filmmakers and cats go outside of the box.

American Airlines is now offering non-binary gender designations for air travelers. In addition to ‘he’ and ‘she’, ‘they’ and ‘them’ can now be treated horribly and get bumped.

A middle school principal in Iowa apologized for taking away pizzas purchased by a teacher as a reward for her class.  The letter was signed ‘Principal Noid’.

The world’s oldest fossil forest, 385 million years old, was uncovered in the upstate New York town of Cairo. “We prefer to be called a senior living facility”, said a manager.

Camille Schrier of Virginia was crowned the new Miss America, in the evening gown-and-swimsuit-free updated version of the competition, dubbed Miss America 2.0. All judges agreed that Schrier’s Miss America 2.0 is at least a solid 7.5.

 

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The U.S. House of Representatives approved Articles of Impeachment against Donald Trump. Trump held a rally in Battle Creek, Michigan, home of some of his oldest and dearest friends – Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger & Dig ‘Em.

A man on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to New York gave up his first-class seat so that an 88-year-old woman in coach could take it. He explained that first class was the only place on board with a defibrillator.

A start-up company devised a workplace toilet that slopes 13 degrees forward, making it uncomfortable for long seated periods so employees return to work faster. A startup of goofoffs devised a harness to wear while using it so you can stay as long as you like.

Ikea previewed its ‘Smart Home’ plans for 2020. Customers eagerly await smart home products from the company that makes you walk through a mile-long labyrinth to get to the checkout after you buy them.

Selena Gomez is opening up about what she calls the “abuse” during her relationship with Justin Bieber – most of which involved having to listen to Justin Bieber songs.

A mini-casino will open in a former Sears department store location in York, Pennsylvania. It was chosen because people are used to going there and blowing money with nothing good to show for it.

A new study claims people regularly eating chili peppers reduce their risk of death by 23%, mainly because colorectal cancers are melted. [Story h/t to A.O.]

Delta Airlines flight attendants say their new uniforms are making them lose their hair, break out in hives, and cough uncontrollably. Coincidentally, Delta passengers are saying the same thing about the $10 in-flight meals.

Walmart.com revealed its top-selling product of 2019, the Instant Pot programmable pressure cooker. Other top sellers were paper towels and flushable wipes, to clean up after the terrible Instant Pot meals.

TMZ shared video of Serena Willams getting boxing lessons from Mike Tyson. Williams may miss January’s Australian Open with a broken jaw.