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As he continues to lobby to be traded, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Jalen Ramsey skipped practice Monday, saying he’s sick and might have the flu. Then he was totally embarrassed when he ran into Jaguars Head Coach Doug Marrone in the lobby of the cinema showing Downton Abbey.

Melania Trump rang the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange on Monday. “Meddy Chreezmuss!” shouted Mrs. Stable Genius.

Viral video shows two bears fighting in the middle of a highway in British Columbia. The video was captured by the Grubhub driver delivering the salmon they were fighting over.

A McDonald’s in Sacramento is playing an unpleasant noise over an outdoor speaker to aggravate loiterers and homeless people so they’ll leave. Asked what the noise is, a McDonald’s manager said “it’s two Grimaces mating.”

An arrest warrant for sexual battery was issued for actor/comedian Andy Dick, according the LAPD’s Andy Dick Division, created to keep up with the frequency of his crimes.

Blac Chyna went on a dinner date with an unidentified new boyfriend, who put her toes in his mouth at their table. The waiter finally dropped off some bread to get him to stop.

Congress formed a group to combat youth vaping – meaning vaping will end up being bigger than ever.

Embattled NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown, released by the New England Patriots, reenrolled in classes at Central Michigan University where he played college football. Brown is glad to be on a college campus, where no one worries about sexual assault.

The annual Primetime Emmy Awards took place Sunday night, as confused American tv viewers asked themselves “are netflixes and hulus and primes tv? or is they movies?”

Motown released 60 unheard tracks from their vault. Some of them were songs from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and others; most of them were Joe Jackson abusing his kids to get them to work harder.

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HBO’s Game of Thrones won its fourth Outstanding Drama Emmy Award – but, once again, dragons were snubbed in all acting categories.

Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner were heckled and laughed at while presenting the Emmy for Best Reality Show. Hint – their show didn’t win.

Bruce Springsteen turned 70. His family couldn’t decide whether to get him a car or a woman, because in his songs they’re the same thing.

Former Scientologist Leah Remini discovered that her Scientologist father died a month ago. She was angry that she wasn’t told, but Scientologists said not to worry, a spaceship carrying his soul will meet up with her again soon.

Downton Abbey, the Movie topped the weekend box office with $31 million in ticket revenue. The number is expected to possibly double as elderly cheapskates invade multiplexes for $5 Tuesday.

Reacting to Antonio Brown’s dismissal from the New England Patriots and Twitter tirade, Dennis Rodman called Brown’s actions “How to Ruin Your Career 101.” Rodman then drove to a nearby community college where he teaches “How to Ruin Your Career 101.”

At the United Nations Climate Action Summit, a report warns that the Earth is on track for the warmest five-year period on record. Meanwhile, female climatologists at the meeting put on sweaters and ask for the thermostat to be turned up.

Romeo Santos made history as the first Latin artist to headline New Jersey’s MetLife stadium, drawing 80,000 to a sold-out show. His ability to draw a crowd that big to MetLife led to him being offered a job as starting quarterback for the New York Jets.

A child in Longview, Washington called 911 after getting off his school bus, telling the operator that the bus driver was drunk. The driver was subsequently arrested. Asked why he didn’t call while on the bus, the child said “Hey, I’m not walking home.”

Google is rumored to be buying Fitbit. Google is interested because your heartbeat is the one piece of your personal data they don’t already own.

 

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Chinese officials detained an American FedEx pilot, telling him he absolutely, positively had to be questioned overnight.

Firearms manufacturer Colt said they’re halting production of AR-15 assault rifles for the consumer market, citing surplus inventory. A ‘buy one now, get one free for a future mass shooting’ sale was not a success.

A scientist who works identifying fossils has found a way to identify criminals from partial hair samples that don’t include the root. Score one for cops, and one for bald serial killers.

North America’s bird population has dropped by almost one-third in the past 50 years, making liars of everyone saying the U.S. is for the birds.

A Delta Airlines flight dropped 30,000 feet of altitude without warning, releasing oxygen masks and terrifying passengers who sent frantic texts like “I love you”; “Pray for me”; and “Where’s my gin and tonic?”

Lizzo accused her Postmates delivery person of stealing her food order. The delivery driver said he did what he had to do to feed a family of 8.

Three Mile Island nuclear power plant, site of a 1979 meltdown, is closing today. Construction begins tomorrow on Cooling Tower Condominiums.

Tom Brady tweeted that he shut off the Thursday Night Football game between the Titans and Jaguars because of poor officiating. “Is that any way to talk about your best friends?” replied NFL referees.

Amazon committed to use 100% renewable energy and purchase 40,000 electric delivery vans to fight climate change, while they deliver all of the plastic crap you buy.

Mark Zuckerberg met with Donald Trump at the White House, but didn’t check in.

 

 

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Claudia Ochoa Felix, a curvy brunette resembling Kim Kardashian and rumored head of the armed enforcement wing of the Sinaloa drug cartel, died over the weekend. Telemundo scrapped a reality show they were planning with Ochoa Felix, “Keeping Up With The Heroin Smugglers”.

An American Airlines mechanic accused of sabotaging a jet to collect overtime repairing it may have ties to terrorist groups, said investigators who noticed he got his degree from ITT Tech in Afghanistan.

  • American Airlines said they’re looking into it, and the only terrorists they know of working for the airline are bitter old flight attendants terrorizing passengers.

United Airlines said it’s changing the rules for pilot drinking. Pilots will need to stop drinking 12 hours before takeoff; the old rule said they need to stop 12 minutes before they land.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau admitted to wearing brownface in 2001 as part of an Aladdin costume. Trudeau said he was sorry, and that he remembered the evening for receiving the Worst Aladdin Costume award.

Instagram is restricting posts touting weight loss products and cosmetic procedures targeted at users under age 18, in what’s being called a major breakthrough in visibility for everyone over 50 on Instagram.

India banned vaping, citing government studies that it’s even more unhealthy than breathing outdoors in New Delhi.

The 2-0 Buffalo Bills have hired 600 police and security officials to curb rowdy fan behavior at their home opener. It’s the biggest police presence in Buffalo since their Super Bowl appearances, but those cops were always sent home at halftime.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Raekwon McMillAan said that, following a legal hit on Tom Brady in last Sunday’s game, he was told by a referee to “stay off Tom”. The ref was identified only as “Gisele”.

Amazon will now let you donate to presidential candidates using Alexa. “Okay stupid” said Alexa in response to an Amy Klobuchar donation.

A Rhode Island woman used a numbing agent for a toothache, then discovered it had turned her blood blue. Doctors are mystified, but the blue blood got her in to three exclusive country clubs.

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NBC is rebooting ‘Punky Brewster’ for new streaming service, Peacock. The new show depicts Punky in the present day as a single mother struggling with obesity and opioid addiction. They’re calling it ‘Chunky Junky Punky Brewster’.

New York City schools banned chocolate milk, although some kids are getting around the ban by vaping it.

New York State instituted an emergency ban on most flavored e*cigarettes. They’re to be off shelves within two months, exciting fruit-flavored vapers who love a good clearance sale.

Philadelphia Cream Cheese sold out of its ‘Bagel That’ device that cuts holes in bread and other foods, turning them into “bagels”. Bagel purists are angry, as are parents whose kids turned their hands into bagels.

President Trump named Robert O’Brien, hostage negotiator for the State Department, to be his new National Security Adviser. O’Brien will immediately start negotiating his own release.

Taiga Motors debuted the Orca, an electric Jet-Ski type personal watercraft that runs for up to two hours, then electrocutes everything within a quarter-mile when you recharge it.

The FBI is investigating the disappearance of CEO Michael Mann, believed to have stolen $35 million in client funds from his company MyPayrollHR. Mann is believed to be the only intelligent person in the U.S. working in human resources.

The second state dinner of the Trump presidency takes place Friday. Melania Trump will show off design changes, including restored draperies in the Green Room, restored furniture in the Blue Room, and new locks on her Bedroom.

Facebook formed an independent board to oversee content moderation decisions. “Do you think that’s hate speech?” asked one billionaire board member to another.

Model Chrissy Teigen accidentally posted her email address and was swarmed with unwanted FaceTime calls. Teigen answered one saying “..was 100 percent sure this would be a penis but nope just a nice stranger.” She then changed emails and answered a FaceTime call from her husband John Legend’s penis.

 

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Monday was National Guacamole Day, making Tuesday National Throw Out Your Brown Guacamole Day.

Scientists at MIT unveiled the blackest black ever created, absorbing 99.9% of light. They’re calling it “Flavor Flav”.

  • While the blackest black ever created is impressive, MIT researchers found most people think the shade that only absorbs 90% of light is prettier.

Rumors circulated that Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man may make one more onscreen appearance in Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie — a scene where Tony Stark gives multiple compelling reasons to Natasha Romanov why she shouldn’t portray Iron Man.

Golfer John Daly’s son, 16-year-old Little John, won the International Junior Golf Tour’s Florida Junior event by nine strokes. The elder Daly said he thinks his kid will get even better as his alcohol tolerance improves.

Felicity Huffman was sentenced to 14 days in prison for her part in the Operation Varsity Blues college cheating scandal. The prison is reportedly pretty cushy; Huffman plans to report several hours early for hair & makeup.

Christie Brinkley dropped out of Dancing With The Stars with an arm injury. “Boy, I didn’t think there was a more physically demanding job than modeling!” she said.

Lou Ferrigno – TV’s Hulk – is selling his Los Angeles home for $3.9 million. Ferrigno said the house has “the best home gym in the country”. The equipment is pretty average, but it’s filled with hot young women he paid to be there.

Men’s Health magazine published an article “What Happens To Your Body When You Stop Working Out for 90 Days”. It’s about how Jonah Hill preps for movie roles.

To promote growth of bee populations, McDonald’s in Sweden is converting roadside advertising billboards into hotels for bees. This follows their successful decades-long campaign turning human arteries into hotels for saturated fats.

Couples and therapists are advocating the 5-5-5 Method to resolve conflicts, where one partner talks for 5 minutes, the other talks for 5, then they converse together for 5 more. This is different than the less successful 5 Method, where one partner takes 5 seconds to confess to an affair.

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Singer Sam Smith announced via social media a change in pronouns to gender-neutral; Smith wants to be addressed as ‘they’ or ‘them’. Since Smith hasn’t had a hit song in years, most people are using the pronoun “Who?”

Subscription service Moviepass shut down. Owners plan to reorganize and start a business selling $12 buckets of popcorn online.

Saudi Arabia shut down half its crude oil production after Yemeni rebels set fire to multiple facilities with drone strikes. With cash flow cut in half, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman had to call off half of his weekly weddings and murders-for-hire.

An 18-year-old Juul user is suing the vape company, claiming he has the lungs of a 70 year old. He’s seeking damages in an amount befitting a rich 80-year-old.

The FDA is recommending approval of Palforzia, a drug to build immunity to peanut allergies in children. Recommended dosage is one Palforzia & jelly sandwich each day.

Rob Gronkowski said his brain is “fixed” after suffering 20 concussions. As evidence, Gronk said he’s just as smart as he was when he was 6 years old and hadn’t played football yet.

Jennifer Lopez said her 11-year-old son, Max, will walk her down the aisle when she marries Alex Rodriguez. Her daughter will hold her train, walking two feet behind her to avoid bumping into her ass.

A 6-year-old girl, who noticed her Army figurines were all men, convinced a toymaker to create female Army figurines, but only after conceding to the toymaker’s demand that they have huge boobs and a narrow waist.

A woman in Tennessee gave birth to a daughter, Caroline, on 9/11, at 9:11pm weighing 9 pounds, 11 ounces.  Her health insurer then gave her a copay bill of $9,011.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino celebrated his release from prison with his wife. The woman wife, not the prison one.

Caitlyn Jenner, speaking in a promo for a Comedy Central roast of Alec Baldwin, said she hasn’t cut “it” off. Sadly she meant both her penis and her tongue.

 

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Old Navy announced plans to nearly double the number of their stores to over 2,000. They’ll even expand into Syria, where they’ll be known as Old Taliban.

Country singer Kacey Musgraves said doing psychedelic drugs like LSD “brought me closer to the planet and humanity” – specifically, she passed out on the grass and was revived by an EMT.

Tim Tebow was summoned to testify in the trial of an athletic trainer accused of injecting clients with illegal performance-enhancing drugs without their knowledge. Tebow refused comment according to his attorney, Jesus.

The manager of a Taco Bell in Louisville kicked out a group comprised of a woman and 20 homeless people she took there for dinner.  Taco Bell said the store manager will be retrained, and reminded that 75% of Taco Bell revenue comes from the homeless.

A transatlantic flight from Frankfurt to Cancun had to make an unscheduled landing in Ireland because the pilot spilled coffee on the instrument panel. The cockpit was repaired and the pilot appreciated the extra time to sober up.

Harvard University said it’s reviewing $9 million in donations between 1998 and 2007 from the late Jeffrey Epstein. Harvard said they refused donations following his 2008 conviction, but do welcome and encourage financial gifts from other alumni pedophiles.

A new study suggests an elevator to the moon could be built for about $1 billion using existing technology – but would require a LOT of illegal immigrants to work construction.

  • Some critics question whether travelers would really use an elevator to the moon, considering how long they’d have to hold in farts.

Northwestern University psychologist Alexandra Solomon published a list of seven phrases couples can use to deepen their connection, including “tell me more” and “how do you want to feel?”. Just missing the list at #8 was “skip the condom”.

Kim Kardashian said before being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pain and numbness in her hands were so severe, she couldn’t lift her children to hand them off to nannies for days at a time.

Google Photos now lets U.S. customers order same-day prints, for old-fashioned types who like to send their dick pics in the mail.

 

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California legislators took the next steps to pass a law allowing college athletes to make money off of their name and likeness, which currently violates NCAA rules. College athletes like the law because it doesn’t say anything about having to attend classes.

Walmart is rolling out a subscription service for unlimited grocery delivery – provided all you want is soda, chicken fingers and potato chips.

Researchers found that standing desks offer no meaningful health benefits. They say the main advantage of a standing desk is alleviating temporary discomfort – but that workplace discomfort can also be alleviated by quitting.

Comedian Artie Lange announced he’s seven months sober and out of rehab. A judge told Lange to keep his nose clean, and Lange replied it should be easy, since there isn’t much of his nose left.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was released from prison, where he served eight months for tax evasion. He’s now Mike “The Probation” Sorrentino.

Sharon Osbourne showed off her latest facelift on the season premiere of ‘The Talk’. Ozzy would get a facelift, but he has a hard enough time talking out of the face he has.

The New York Times alleges 2018 Triple Crown winning horse Justify failed a drug test before winning the Kentucky Derby. Since winning the Triple Crown, Justify has also become more difficult to deal with and walked out of an intervention.

A new company is selling “Granny Pods” – a one-person modular home for grandparents you can put in your backyard with enhanced safety and medical monitoring features. And even though it’s close, you don’t have to visit.

The Cleveland Browns banned the wrong fan from future games for throwing beer on a Tennessee Titans player after Sunday’s home opener. The Browns lost 43-13, so thousands of fans banned themselves from upcoming home games.

Amazon opened up Alexa Answers, crowdsourced responses to questions that previously stumped Alexa, such as “where to bats go in the winter?”; “what is cork made of?”; and “why am I such a loser that I spend most of my time talking to an appliance?”.

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President Trump fired National Security Adviser John Bolton. The two allegedly clashed over policy related to Iran, North Korea, the Taliban and how much time to spend each day watching television.

Student loan experts say education debt is now a “trillion dollar blackhole” that’s hurting the nation’s financial system with delinquency – as opposed to the “billion dollar blackhole” which is what they call University of Phoenix.

A female high school swimmer in Alaska was disqualified from a heat she’d won when a referee ruled her school-issued swimsuit didn’t cover enough of her buttocks. Her coach appealed, and the swimmer is consoled by the half-million Instagram followers she added.

A Tennessee high school painted over bathroom mirrors, because they say mirrors cause the students to be late for class. The paint made matters worse, since Tennessee students became terrified thinking they’d disappeared.

Michael Jordan pledged $1 million to Hurricane Dorian relief in the Bahamas. A Bahamas golf pro asked Jordan if he’d like to play and make it double-or-nothing.

Dr. Reyes Gauna, superintendent of Byron Union School District in Northern California, started out as a school custodian. He said he’s proud of his accomplishments, but has a hard time concentrating on work when he hears a kid puke.

The invasive spotted lantern fly has migrated to the City of Philadelphia. The fly – which destroys trees and other vegetation – has adapted and survived by arranging the spots on its wings to read “Dallas Sucks”.

Ellen Degeneres said during summer break she revealed her natural hair color for the first time in decades, adding it had been colored blond for so long she’d forgotten what it was. “I have a pretty good idea” said Ellen’s wife, Portia.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders settled a pay dispute, getting a raise to $12/hour and $400/game. However, the team quadrupled the price of push-up bras and booty shorts.

A 23-year-old Wisconsin health teacher was charged with sexual conduct with a 15-year-old student, who aced health class.