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President Trump joined world leaders to pay tribute on the 75th anniversary of D-Day. Trump said if someone with his IQ were president then, it would have been A-Day.

Officials in British Columbia claim opioid addicts are cutting down trees to trade timber for heroin. Police are constantly on the lookout for strung out men and women with a lot of splinters.

Retail analyst NPD group say thong sales are on the decline among women, while full-coverage women’s briefs are rising, then hopefully dropping if the relationship goes well.

A woman was asked to leave an Erie, Pennsylvania Golden Corral because the manager deemed her crop top and short-shorts “too provocative”. Social media users reading her story were shocked – that Golden Corral actually has a dress code.

‘Queer Eye’ style consultant Tan France writes in his new memoir that he worked as a flight attendant when he was younger. He quit after just two months, but said he still struggles to let guests at his house have an entire can of soda.

Tariffs on Mexican imports may cause drastic price increases at Chipotle. When customers add guacamole, instead of saying it costs “a little extra”, workers will offer customers financing for their burrito.

A new study claims people who only drink bottled water ingest up to 100,000 microplastic particles per year. Bottled water makers updated their marketing to call bottled water “a great source of synthetic fiber”.

A ban on U.S. tourism to Cuba in now in effect. The State Department named the new restriction Close, But No Cigars.

A tour company is charging $6,000 for a three-night Nevada excursion called ‘Sex Island’, where guests are promised unlimited sex with two differnt women each day. Critics are angry that it exploits women, and guests are angry that they have to pay $29/day for internet.

Florida man Tommy Burns and his mistress, Amanda Love, are charged with conspiring to kill Burns’ wife. All Burns wanted was Amanda Love, and all she wanted was a man ta’ love.

 

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California health officials announced their findings that coffee doesn’t pose a significant cancer risk – at least not until Dunkin opens more locations there.

Build-A-Bear will open shops inside Walmart stores, where children and parents can build sad bears.

Lab testers Quest Diagnostics said over 11 million clients’ financial and health information were exposed in a data breach, including the 2% who actually passed their drug screening.

Forbes named Jay-Z “hip-hop’s first billionaire” – news that shocked an Adidas-track-suit-wearing Warren Buffett.

Researchers say octopuses may become more popular research animals than lab rats, because they offer relatively easy genetic sequencing, and because you can inject them with eight vaccines at once.

A man visited all 419 U.S. National Parks in one three-year journey. He made the trek alone, in order to avoid children asking him 40,000 times if they were there yet. 

New research concludes feeding mosquitos sugar makes them less likely to bite – but feeding them diet cola makes them more likely to order the larger Value Meal.

An Australian study claims a “high likelihood” of civilization collapsing by 2050 due to climate change. That’s the bad news; the good news is now many more people have enough money saved for retirement.

President Trump and his family attended a fancy state ball at London’s Buckingham Palace, where the Royal Family treated their guests to a buffet from McDonald’s and KFC.

Khloe Kardashian escorted a superfan to his high school prom in Glendale, California. Over the course of three hours, Kardashian arrived, married the captain of the basketball team, and he cheated on her.

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New research from the CDC claims we still don’t know how many diseases are caused by tick bites. “We just want to surprise humans to keep the relationship fresh,” say ticks.

The “10,000 Steps” rule is challenged by new research claiming longevity benefits are achieved walking just 4,400 steps/day, ending at 7,000 steps. The study followed a guy walking 18 holes of golf who had a heart attack at 7,100 steps.

A Louisiana Catholic School principal was fired after his arrest at a DC strip club during a school field trip. He was charged with disorderly conduct for yelling at the dancers to put their school uniforms back on.

The 91-year-old mother of ‘El Chapo’ Guzman obtained a visa so she can travel from Mexico to visit her son in a New York prison. She wants to bring him enchiladas, as soon as she arrives via the tunnel beneath the jail.

A female swimsuit model ran on the field during the Tottenham/Liverpool Champions League Soccer Championship to promote her boyfriend’s porn website. She avoided contact with players, but a few flopped anyway out of habit.

Apple plans to discontinue iTunes, but will introduce new music apps to sync with Apple devices and destroy your content.

Pamela Taylor, a West Virginia official who called Michelle Obama “an ape in heels”, will serve 10 months in jail for defrauding FEMA out of $18,000. Ironically, she’ll be safest in her new jungle when she’s locked in her cage.

The White House created a tool for users to report anti-conservative media bias. It’s called the Fox News app.

A trade group warned U.S. airline profitability will drop 20% this year. In response, airlines will charge passengers for the bags under their eyes.

President Trump denied calling Meghan Markle ‘nasty’, despite audio of him saying it. He plans to fix the issue just as soon as he can grab her pussy.

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Amazon is reportedly interested in acquiring Boost Mobile, in an effort to expand its relationships to more people with lousy credit.

A university study from Italy finds Twitter usage not only limits intellectual attainment, it undermines it. Their findings are being held up while they determine how to thread them in 280-character segments.

Kim Jong Un reportedly executed five government officials as punishment for a failed summit with Donald Trump, and is having a hell of a time getting someone to plan his kid’s birthday party.

Uber is investigating cases of “vomit fraud”, where drivers charge an extra $80-150 cleaning fee when vomiting never happened, or where passengers claim the dog riding with them took care of it.

A senior official for Nepal’s tourism department said they’re considering changes to limit crowding on Mount Everest, including requiring climbing experience, and letting climbers wait their turn at a new Starbucks.

Cher tweeted Donald Trump should be sexually assaulted in prison. Meanwhile, white-collar prisoners said they’d probably leave a 70-year-old alone, unless they got paid $130,000 to deny it happened.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge opened at Disneyland. Tragedy struck as two womp rats bullseyed by a T-16 Skyhopper turned out to be Chip & Dale, killing them both.

Tinder launched a new feature, Super Boost, which, for added fees, puts premium users in front of a list of profiles shown to possible matches for a half-hour. If that doesn’t work, there’s Super Duper Boost, which is a prostitute.

Slipknot singer Corey Taylor “blew out” his left testicle while practicing high notes. His right testicle was blown out by a VIP ticket holder after the show.

A blind autistic boy wowed the judges of America’s Got Talent with a moving piano/vocal performance, leading parents to go ahead and get their kids piano lessons and vaccines.

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Guy Fieri received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He was nominated by Anyone Who’s Ever Been Famous And Didn’t Get Their Star Yet So Now They Can Demand One.

Uber says they’ll kick riders off of the ride-hailing app if their ratings from drivers become too low. This is known internally as the ‘Three Strikes’ Puke Policy.

Walmart hired Suresh Kumar to be their new Chief Technology Officer.  Kumar said  Walmart’s biggest technology challenge is from customers and employees swiping tech from the electronics department.

Twelve dead dolphins have washed up on the beaches of Delaware.  Many of them were too badly decomposed to know what killed them, but local sea life experts suspect the cause of death may have been boredom from living in Delaware.

The U.S./China trade war is hurting Maine’s lobster industry. Tariffs and export restrictions are causing lobstermen to really feel the pinch.

New York City subways will begin accepting fares from Fitbit Pay. For those choosing to jump the turnstiles, their Fitbit will count it as two big steps.

A woman’s body was found stuffed in to a curbside garbage bin in the Frankford neighborhood of Philadelphia. “We’ve never seen anything like this” said the garbage collector, “usually they’re in with recycling.”

A man set himself on fire outside of the White House. Secret Service knew it wasn’t the President, because it wasn’t just his pants on fire.

A Delta Airlines passenger is suing, claiming an emotional support dog mauled him on a flight. The victim claims Delta never verified the support dog’s credentials, and provoked the attack by including Pupperoni in his in-flight snack box.

Seybie, a newborn baby girl weighing just 8.6 ounces, is the smallest surviving human baby on record. Her parents requested anonymity – known only as “Barbie” and “Ken”.

 

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According to the Brookings Institute, artificial intelligence is replacing a high percentage of ‘first jobs’, leaving middle managers wondering how to sexually harass artificial intelligence.

An author claims that secret FBI tapes exist, indicating Martin Luther King, Jr. had over 40 extramarital affairs. The authenticity of the claim is in question, but King apparently had more than one dream.

Virginia Beach officials are outraged that over 10 tons of trash were left on the beach over Memorial Day weekend at a ‘Floatopia’ summer kickoff – by the tons of trash who visited there.

Burger King states its restaurants serving the meatless Impossible Whopper experienced an 18% increase in traffic.  Arby’s stated restaurants serving their greek gyros experienced a 98% increase in traffic to the restrooms.

Actress Mandy Moore completed her climb to the base camp of Mount Everest. “There is so much magic in these mountains!” she wrote, as the bodies of dead climbers were dragged by her on sleds.

Apple announced it’s bringing back the iPod Touch. They asked prospective buyers if they thought they’d miss the phone function, to which they replied “the what?”

12 people were injured as tornados touched down in Kansas – all are expected to survive, but without any of them learning valuable lessons about heart, intellect & courage.

Pokemon GO will soon access players’ sleep data and give rewards for good sleep habits. Parents whose kids tell them they got a Squirtle in bed shouldn’t get too worried.

Alaska Airlines topped J.D. Power’s North American Airlines Satisfaction Ratings among traditional carriers. Frontier Airlines ranked last among all carriers, and charged passengers $49 to complete the survey.

Amazon announced you can now order voice assistant Alexa to forget what you just said. Alexa will confirm, but then somehow manage to bring it up the next time you get in a fight.

 

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For the first time in 11 years, LeBron James was not named a 1st Team NBA All-Star. He then demanded his agent to get him a one-year max contract with the 1st Team NBA All-Stars.

President Trump attended a sumo wrestling championship match in Japan.                    Not participated in..attended.

11 climbers have died on Mount Everest so far this season. Experts blame overissuance of permits and allowing too many inexperienced climbers to attempt the summit. The most inexperienced get halfway up and ask their guide for directions to the snack bar.

The World Health Organization added “gaming disorder” to its official International Classification of Diseases.  Epic Games, publisher of Fortnite, offered their help to combat gaming disorder, issuing millions of health packs.

Wildlife experts captured an alligator that severely injured a woman in Melbourne, Florida. Witnessses identified a gator as the one who injured the woman, but only after picking it out of a five-gator lineup where four more people were bitten getting them all behind a two-way mirror.

A California man was attacked by a shark off the coast of Maui.  “You flew here! We GREW here!” said the shark whose favorite movie is ‘Blue Crush’  while claiming it was a Locals Only Beach.

A 35-year-old yoga instructor survived being lost for 17 days in the forests of Maui, saying that, during her ordeal, she spent a night in the lair of a wild boar. She is being treated at a local hospital, and has not returned the wild boar’s phone calls & texts.

IndyCar driver Jordan King hit a member of his pit crew during a pit stop at the Indy 500, injuring his leg and forcing his removal via stretcher. The crew member accepted responsibility, distracting King by texting him asking when he was stopping for gas.

A Japanese man on a flight from Mexico City to Tokyo died after ingesting 246 bags of cocaine.  The flight made an emergency landing in Hermosito, Mexico, where rival gangs had a shootout in the emergency room trying to claim the body.

Actress Patricia Arquette said that producers asked her to lose weight while filming her then-hit tv show, ‘Medium’. It was that or change the name of the show to ‘Large’.

Fans are demanding refunds after the first two shows of the Spice Girls summer stadium tour have been plagued by awful sound problems. Promoters have so far refused, explaining that those are the songs.

MacKenzie Bezos pledged to give away half of her $37 billion fortune now that she’s single. Ex-husband Jeff Bezos will also give away half his fortune a second time once he divorces Lauren Sanchez.

 

 

 

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A Washington state man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles with a gun hidden in his pants. Police told him he had the right to remain silent, because they were afraid of what he had hidden in his mouth. [story h/t to J.O.]

Cable giant Comcast is developing an in-home device that monitors health and provides help when it detects users having a serious medical episode. By ‘help’, it means allowing you to pay your final bill with voice commands before you die.

Sylvester Stallone kept the two pet turtles – ‘Cuff’ and ‘Link’ – from the original Rocky film in the mid-70s, and reports that they’re each alive and 44 years old. Like Stallone, they’ve each been married and divorced several times.

Brian Hickerson, boyfriend of actress Hayden Panetierre, has been hit with a restraining order following a domestic violence arrest. He’s been ordered to stay 100 yards away, but was given a telescope so he can see the 4-foot-11-inch actress from a distance to make sure he’s complying.

Students from the University of Southern California’s Rocket Propulsion Lab are the first in-school team to send a rocket outside of Earth’s atmosphere. Hollywood celebrities took note and are paying six figures to get their kids on USC’s Rocket Team.

Paramount Pictures pushed back the release of Sonic the Hedgehog three months, to February 14, 2020. The added time is needed to update Sonic visual effects, and for a marketing campaign touting it as the Perfect Valentine’s Day Breakup Movie.

Retired NFL QB Donovan McNabb told TMZ he believes he should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, since he has better career numbers than Dallas Cowboys’ HOF QB Troy Aikman. McNabb concedes that Aikman has more Super Bowl rings, but he out-vomited Aikman in Super Bowls.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West are reportedly attempting to trademark the name of their newest child, Psalm. If successful, churches will no longer be able to refer to Psalms by name, instead calling them ‘good ol’ catchy prayers from the back of the Bible’.

Simon Cowell said he’s lost twenty pounds on a vegan diet. He says he feels great and is still a huge dick.

Amazon is now offering free tours of its Fulfillment Centers, so visitors as young as 6 years old can learn how corporate slavery works.

 

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Attorney Michael Avenatti is charged with defrauding client Stormy Daniels. Daniels is alleged to have lost her shirt. And underwear.

President Trump cut short a meeting with Congressional Democrats regarding infrastructure spending, saying he can’t work with them unless they stop their legal investigations. Both sides look forward to the much-needed 18-month-or-more break from seeing each other.

A violent tornado tore through Missouri, injuring at least 20 people. If any injuries resulted in the end of a pregnancy, lawmakers will have the tornado arrested as part of the state’s tough new anti-abortion legislation.

A 102-year-old woman is accused of murdering her 92-year-old neighbor in a French nursing home by strangulation and blows to the head. Investigators call the crime especially heinous since it took her 9 hours to finish. [story h/t to DG]

The NFL announced it’s reducing the number of commercial breaks in the Super Bowl from five per quarter to four, making it 20% more expensive for Bud Light to tell everyone about whatever new crap they’re pushing next February.

Bernie Sanders told McDonald’s workers protesting low pay and sexual harassment that if they vote for him, they’ll get a $15/hour minimum wage and the right to unionize. He also told them he’d like a couple more honey mustard sauce packets for his McNuggets.

Viral video shows a robot dog – HyQMini, built by the Italian Institute of Technology – pulling a 3-ton passenger jet in an amazing feat of technological strength. Researchers then checked the robot dog on to a United Airlines flight, where it promptly died.

Google is updating Google Assistant with more public transit information. Google Assistant can now tell you when your next New York City Subway train is arriving, and panhandlers can now harass you via Google Instant Messenger until you get of rid of them via Google Pay.

A huge amount of water ice has been spotted on Mars, the first sign that the red planet was once inhabited by ancient Philadelphia dirtbags.

Maelyn Jarmon was crowned champion of The Voice, joining others who have won it and gone on to become household names, like…

 

 

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The U.S. Postal Service began a two-week trial transporting mail across the Southwest via self-driving trucks, to see if the trucks improve delivery times and costs. They failed to mention accuracy, as the truck arrived in New Mexico instead of Nevada, as planned.

Howard Stern said if he’d interviewed Hillary Clinton in 2016, she may have won the Presidential Election because she’d have “reached a new audience” and the interview would “humanize her” by letting her pick a stripper to get a free boob job.

Tokyo’s police department released the Digi Police app, a free app that lets women report groping and sexual misconduct on the subway and other crowded places. New York’s police are evaluating a similar app to report subway masturbators, but find most riders prefer using the camera app.

A woman delivered a baby in the parking lot of a Melbourne, Australia McDonald’s after sending her husband into the restaurant to get her a Quarter Pounder. He returned to the car, gave it to her, then drove to a hospital with a Seven Pounder.

Johnny Depp accused ex-wife Amber Heard of defecating in his bed as part of a lawsuit against her. He failed to produce the sheets as evidence, saying he’d sold them for a lot of money on eBay to some creep.

Shares of cosmetics company Avon rose 17%, as the company is rumored to be close to being sold. Avon’s CEO said you wouldn’t believe how many doorbells they had to ring to find the right buyer.

Plans are underway for Whitney Houston’s holographic likeness to star in a concert tour celebrating the late singer’s career, just as soon as the hologram can get a restraining order against Bobby Brown.

Uber is reportedly launching a new $9.99/month unlimited food delivery service, officially called Uber Eats Pass, and unofficially called Lousy Tippers.

Amazon put workstation video games in its warehouses, so that laborers advance in the game when they speedily perform tasks like packing boxes. The good news is workers are rewarded with swag for high scores, the bad news is they lose a life every time they black out from exhaustion or take a bathroom break.

Tech website CNET released its list of the Best Smartphones Under $500. Topping the list is a $1500 iPhone that you buy from whoever stole it.