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Apple announced that it’s acquiring Shazam. Soon you’ll be able to identify a song, be hounded to buy it on iTunes and lose it in an iOS update all in 10 minutes.

Dunkin Donuts will now be known only as Dunkin. So now when you send the intern out for coffee, you can just tell them to get it “anywhere but Dunkin”.

Millennials are cited as the reason for an 18% drop in the U.S. divorce rate. Not only because millennials are avoiding marriage, but because the ones living at home until they’re 30 are keeping their parents from divorcing.

Michael Kors is acquiring Versace for $2.1 billion, now we just have to worry about someone murdering Michael Kors.

Comcast bid $30 billion to acquire a stake in Europe’s Sky Broadcasting. “Alright! I hear great things!” said a Sky customer who’s been grossly misinformed.

Buckingham Palace is selling $40 replicas of Meghan Markle’s engagement ring. It comes with a faux diamond and a couple of curly red hairs stuck in the setting.

2018 is a record year for cases of West Nile virus. Mosquitos commemorated the achievement by popping open bottles of blood they’ve been saving for a special occasion.

“The most dangerous thing that U.S. children do as part of daily life is ride in a car,” writes Benjamin Hoffman, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Injury, Violence and Poison.  “I’ll say!” said a 7-year-old driver who crashed into a tree after hijacking the family minivan to Chuck E. Cheese.

A 30-year-old Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked and picked fights with passersby in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. No one fought the guy, because they were all chikn.

Hannah Storm & Andrea Kremer will be the first female NFL broadcasting duo when they call Thursday nights Vikings/Rams game for Amazon Prime. Storm is expected to do color, and Kremer is expected to tell Storm how great that color looks on her.

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Ruben Flowers, Jr., a retiring 31-year veteran Southwest Airlines pilot, took to the cockpit one final time. Only he was paired with his 29-year-old son, Ruben Flowers III, as co-pilot for the first time. Southwest Airlines then cancelled the flight.

Usher will perform at the next Super Bowl Halftime Show. Other Ushers will perform for $14/hour.

A Russian admiral believed to have been killed in a Ukrainian assault on the Black Sea was put on camera on Russian TV to prove he survived. He’ll star in a new Russian made-for-tv movie, ‘Weekend At Sokolov’s’.

Joe Biden traveled to Michigan to walk the picket line with striking workers in a show of union solidarity. “Let’s get you guys back to Hollywood writing movies!” he said to the GM employees.

ArtificiaI intelligence ‘girlfriends’ are growing in popularity, as awkward & isolated young men seek companionship. Although health experts warn of serious depression as AI girlfriends become smarter and dump the guys that downloaded them.

Rite Aid plans to close hundreds of stores as part of a plan to emerge from bankruptcy. Although Rite Aid loyalty program customers were notified that clearance pricing on opioids is not part of the plan.

USA Pickleball, the sport’s governing body, is working on “quiet” initiatives to address complaints from people living near courts, who say the sport generates too much noise from the paddles hitting the ball, and ambulances arriving to treat elderly players.

Charlie Woods won a junior golf tournament in Florida with dad Tiger Woods caddying. The elder Woods then celebrated by treating 14-year-old Charlie to his first-ever restaurant hostess.

Tickets from Ford’s Theater on the night of Abraham Lincoln’s assassination sold at auction for $262,500 – $375,000 including Ticketmaster fees.

SAG-AFTRA authorized a strike against actors providing their likeness and voices in video games. They’re demanding higher wages & benefits for getting repeatedly killed and saying ‘Game Over’.

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The Writers Guild of America is reportedly close to resolving their strike with Hollywood studios. Writers could return to work as soon as this week to be terrorized by Jimmy Fallon.

President Zelensky said Abrams tanks from the U.S. have arrived in Ukraine. He thanked the U.S. for the tanks, and for the porno mags left in them by U.S. soldiers.

A leading exercise physiologist said more people in the U.S. are “skinny fat” – exercising, but still unhealthy because of their diet. This is also known as The Planet Fitness Effect.

Ryan Seacrest revealed that nothing will change when he takes over from Pat Sajak as host of Wheel Of Fortune. Producers rejected a proposal to implement ‘surge pricing’ for vowels.

Philadelphia-area photographers say many women booking “boudoir shoots” want their bedroom photos taken while wearing Philadelphia Eagles jerseys. Although some women question how badly their husbands and boyfriends want to have sex with a football player.

Expend4ables bombed at the box office, collecting just $8.3 million in ticket sales, and an even more disappointing $30 million in popcorn and soda sales.

Taylor Swift attended the Kansas City Chiefs game in the suite of Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, sitting next to Kelce’s mother. Their relationship is unclear, since Swift has already met Kelce’s mother, but haven’t exchanged friendship bracelets or tongues.

Swift and Kelce reportedly had a postgame dinner date at a local restaurant, where she paid all of the customers inside to leave early so they could have the place to themselves. However, several customers refused to leave until they finished their Moons Over My Hammy.

Chester County, Pennsylvania held a town hall meeting to address security concerns after the escape of murderer Danelo Cavalcante from the county jail. Residents in attendance became angry when two other fugitive murderers spoke at the meeting, then fled.

The daughter of a homeless Florida woman who was found dead in the jaws of an alligator started a GoFundMe to raise funeral expenses, and maybe get a handbag, belt and a pair of shoes out of the deal.

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Astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson says a giant asteroid could hit Earth in 2182. He also advises waiting a couple of days before running to the grocery store to buy bread, milk & eggs.

Howard Stern says he’s no longer friends with comic/host Bill Maher – so that’s officially everybody who can’t stand Bill Maher.

Amazon Prime Video will now charge an extra $2.99/month for ad-free viewing of movies and tv shows. Or, you can save the three bucks and learn everything there is to know about diabetes drugs you don’t need.

Outgoing Philadelphia City Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw posted a farewell message to the city before taking a new job with New York’s Port Authority. Keeping with Philly tradition, the f-word appears 15 times.

Philly cheesesteak shop Pat’s King of Steaks faces its second wrongful death lawsuit over a lethal brawl that occurred there in 2021. This, on top of the dozen-or-so wrongful stomach illness lawsuits they rack up in any given month.

According to the Federal Reserve Bank, declines for loan applications reached 22% in June, the highest in years. Lending is so tight, banks are sending out letters telling customers they’ve already been rejected for a new credit card.

A 67-year-old unemployed New York doorman has been standing outside of Tiffany’s since June wearing a sign looking for work, saying he’s been living off of Twinkies. He hasn’t gotten a job, but school kids will trade him some of their lunches for the Twinkies.

6 male students at Santo Amoro University in Brazil were suspended after dropping their pants and doing a “masturbation celebration’ on-court after watching the women’s volleyball team win their match. The university announced total attendance for the game at 6.

Olympic skier Lindsay Vonn shared Instagram photos showing that she was stung by a jellyfish just below her buttocks while surfing, adding that the damage was just below where ex-boyfriend Tiger Woods had injured her a few years ago.

Morgan Osman, a model who said she’s ‘Instagram famous’ while being kicked off an American Airlines flight, received an offer to do a one-hour porn camshow. She has yet to respond to the offer to do so aboard Spirit Airlines.

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Khloe Kardashian shared a photo of her cheek indentation following a melanoma tumor removal. Her cheek is being filled using cosmetic procedures, and the occasional NBA basketball player.

A Florida Amazon delivery worker was bitten by a venomous snake, but survived. The snake later died after a FedEx delivery worker dropped a 75-pound box labeled ‘FRAGILE’ on it.

Officials cite Taylor Swift’s call-to-action on National Voter Registration Day for over 13,000 new voters registered every 30 minutes. They also cite her influence for a record number of 18-year-old women posting diss tracks on YouTube about their congressmen.

Southern Baptists lost half a million members in the past year – at least 10 of whom say it wasn’t because of sexual molestation or being browbeaten for donations.

Cassidy Hutchinson, former assistant to White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, said she was groped by Rudy Giuliani on January 6th, 2021. As evidence, she offered the streaks of black hair dye on the seat of the pants she wore that day.

Leaders of the Navajo Nation may repeal the Native American tribe’s ban on same-sex marriage – saying it wouldn’t be the first time the tribe has benefitted from a big gamble.

Once again, McDonald’s is being sued by a customer who claims they suffered severe burns from scalding hot coffee. McDonald’s announced they’ll no longer allow hot coffee beverage substitutions in Happy Meals.

A family claims Google Maps caused their father to drive off a collapsed bridge in North Carolina, falling to his death. Defending the app, a Google spokesperson said “hey, he’s the one who wanted to avoid toll roads.”

Pauline Newman, a 96-year-old federal court judge, has been barred from hearing cases after concerns were raised about her mental fitness – and about her physical fitness after dislocating her shoulder lifting the gavel.

Sami Sheen – daughter of Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards – said she’s addicted to nicotine, and surgeons are requiring her to quit vaping before performing her desired breast enlargement surgery. Sami doesn’t see why her damaged lungs should keep her from getting a new set.

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A woman claims she quit eating breakfast at Dunkin Donuts and lost 127 lbs. However, she still drinks the coffee to maintain the giant hole in her stomach that allowed her to lose the weight.

Vanna White extended her Wheel Of Fortune contract for 2 years – ending intense negotiations where producers were forced to choose between White and pressing keys on a computer.

Officials in Chester County, Pennsylvania are promising “upgrades” to the prison where convicted murderer Danelo Cavalcante escaped. They’re promising big screen TVs, new mattresses and Grubhub deliveries, so prisoners will want to stay put.

Google announced a Taylor Swift partnership, where 89 puzzles in its search function can be solved to reveal ‘vault’ tracks from the Taylor’s Version rerecording of 1989 – and receive 1,989 targeted ads from companies using personal information they entered.

The wreckage of a $100 million F-35 fighter jet – which crashed after the pilot ejected – was located in Williamsburg County, South Carolina. Officials plan to question the pilot after searching the cockpit and finding empty White Claw cans and a condom wrapper.

The Federal Trade Commission is requiring Epic Games – publisher of online game Fortnite – to reimburse $520 million to parents whose children bought in-game gear without their permission. However, parents can’t get reimbursed if their kids are 30.

A new study published in the journal Obesity claims exercising between 7 a.m. and 9 a.m. is optimal for reducing midriff fat. The study is published in Obesity’s Annual Cheeseburger Issue.

Bijou Philips filed for divorce from husband/actor Danny Masterson, who’s currently serving a 30-year prison sentence for rape. Masterson announced his engagement to a fellow Scientologist he just met in his cell.

Reacting to the U.S. Senate’s rules update to allow casual clothing in the chamber, Maine Republican Susan Collins, 70, said she plans to wear a bikini. Then the Senate updated the apparel rules again to allow blindfolds.

A 29-year-old naked man covered in feces after taking LSD, THC & cocaine, jumped into a pit at the construction site of the new Buffalo Bills stadium. The man was treated at a hospital and charged with criminal trespass. The Buffalo Bills announced they’re looking for a new backup quarterback.

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TSA agents at Philadelphia International Airport stopped a flight attendant from clearing security with a loaded handgun. Then they fired the gun to subdue an elderly woman attempting to pass security with 5 ounces of tea.

Philadelphia International Airport opened its first-ever gym – where area travelers waiting for their flight can hang their jackets and park their luggage.

Donald Trump’s personal secretary Molly Michael told investigators he routinely used classified documents as scrap paper to write her notes. Special Counsel Jack Smith found a draft of a nuclear treaty with Iran with “what color s your underware?” on it.

Following intense criticism from actors and writers, Drew Barrymore reversed her decision to restart The Drew Barrymore Show. In its place, executive producers have ordered a full season of Navage nasal irrigation system infomercials.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene criticized Senator John Fetterman for his choice of clothing during legislative sessions. Rep. Lauren Boebert offered to help him change his pants.

Walt Disney World was partially closed after a bear was sighted in a tree on park property. Wildlife officials were called in to capture and move the bear, but only after they were sure it wasn’t going to sing a song about bear necessities.

Elon Musk indicated he plans to charge all users a fee for X (formerly Twitter) – effectively turning millions of X users into Ex Users.

Phil Mickelson posted a thread on X detailing his addiction to gambling. Mickelson received many messages of support, including from Tiger Woods who offered his help getting Mickelson addicted to sex, instead.

Google announced a major expansion of its Bard artificial intelligence platform. Although, Bard artificial intelligence actually expanded itself but Google is too terrified to let anyone know it.

Scott Burke, a retired surgeon, was arrested after his yacht was seized amidst reports of parties with dozens of sex workers filming pornographic movies. Investigators also found 43 grams of cocaine and other party drugs. The boat, its contents and occupants will now be used by the Make A Wish Foundation.

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Mike Babcock resigned as head coach of the NHL Columbus Blue Jackets before coaching a single game, allegedly because he asked players to share pictures on their phone “to show what type of person (they) are”. Babcock regrets not seeing a single nude photo of players wives or girlfriends.

A U.S. F-35 fighter jet based out of Charleston, South Carolina is missing after the pilot ejected following a “mishap”. “Found it” – said a guy who no longer has a beach house.

Katy Perry sold her music catalog rights for $225 million. The only other woman believed to be that rich who kissed a girl and liked it is Ellen Degeneres.

Drew Barrymore deleted an apology video for restarting her talk show amidst the actors & writers strikes after being dragged by fellow union actors and writers. Her guests for the foreseeable future are dogs & cats who have million-view TikTok clips.

Donald Trump told a crowd on Friday that President Biden is leading the country into World War II. Earlier, Trump had fallen asleep during a private showing of ‘Oppenheimer‘.

Gannett, the largest newspaper group in the U.S., will hire dedicated reporters to cover Taylor Swift and Beyonce. In order to be considered, candidates will need writing samples and a note from their parents to skip gym class for an interview.

9 inmates at a juvenile detention center in rural Pennsylvania escaped during a riot, but then were captured, with several surrendering because they were cold. They were readmitted, and signed up for Danelo Cavalcante’s prison escape MasterClass.

Japan is creating its own version of artificial intelligence ChatGPT. They say the big difference is that theirs speaks Japanese.

Bears in Anchorage, Alaska raided a Krispy Kreme donut delivery van. They were eventually chased away and evaded heavy gunfire from every member of the Anchorage Police Department.

Hugh Jackman and his wife separated after 27 years of marriage. He now officially joins the Ex-Men.

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CBS Network announced that on certain Sunday evenings, ‘60 Minutes‘ will actually be ‘90 Minutes‘ long … and not just feel like it because your spouse makes you watch it before Sunday Night Football.

Drew Barrymore, whose talk show will air new installments amidst the Writers Guild strike, was dropped as host of the National Book Awards. She was disappointed, since she was hoping to grab some free cookbooks so she could make food to fill her hour-long show without writers.

Caesars Palace paid a $15 million ransom to foreign hackers who disabled their slot machines and hotel reservation system. In addition to the money, the hackers also demanded scantily-clad women bring them free drinks.

Outside of Chicago, a large outdoor tent collapsed at Cintas Corporation’s Employee Appreciation Luncheon, injuring 26 people. The injured were admitted to local hospitals, where they say the food was better.

Nazareth University in Upstate New York will have two young women majoring in Gerontology live in a senior care facility for three weeks…or three hours, after enough horny old men grab their asses and they can’t take it anymore.

A horse was rescued from a backyard pool in North Carolina. The horse was okay, although the diving board needs to be replaced after his awesome cannonball.

A United Airlines flight from New Jersey to Rome turned around and descended 28,000 feet in 8 minutes to address what pilots called a “pressurization issue” – and what Delta Airlines recently called a “diarrhea biohazard”, since the pressure originated in the Newark Airport food court.

China announced Defense Minister Li Shangfu is under investigation for corruption, which means he’s also under about six feet of dirt.

Nikki Bettis, a divorced single mother of 15 children ranging from age 4 to 25, is attempting to hike the Appalachian Trail with all of them. Nikki is hoping for a unique bonding experience, and to get the 15 down to a more affordable number.

A majority of Spain’s World Cup-winning women’s soccer team refuse to play matches following the unwanted kiss of player Jennifer Hermoso by ex-soccer boss Luis Rubiales. Players say they want real change, and have refused Spain Soccer Federation’s offer of an expensive dinner before future kisses.

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Clinton Ellis-Gilmore, 53, a drag queen and member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence – a drag group that performed at Dodger Stadium on Pride Night – was arrested after publicly masturbating in broad daylight at a park. An LA Dodgers spokesperson said they regret that this happened during his 7th Inning solo performance of Take Me Out To The Ballgame.

HBO’s Real Time With Bill Maher will return to air despite there being no resolution to the Writers Guild strike. His first guests will be a few Republicans and Drew Barrymore.

Captured fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante reportedly told police he planned to carjack someone and flee to Canada…adding “and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling scent-dogs! “

At the trial where she was found guilty of murdering seven babies, prosecutors produced notes where British nurse Lucy Letby wrote “I am evil. I did this”. Investigators found the notes in her one-star Care.com profile.

“The night is darkest before the dawn. And I will rise yet again” said New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who will miss the entire NFL season with a torn Achilles tendon, but who apparently plans to spend the year as Batman.

Viral video shows a 14-foot alligator swimming toward a Girl Scout troop in a Texas lake. All but one of the girls received ‘Avoiding Alligators In A Lake’ merit badges.

A judge ruled that Fulton County D.A. Fani Willis cannot try Donald Trump and 16 co-defendants together in their election fraud trial. Apparently the AirBnb they booked for an October trial limits groups to 6 or less.

U.S. airlines are reportedly planning to slash travel prices this autumn – but they’re also planning to triple cancellations, so it all ought to balance out for them.

An iPhone was reportedly hidden to take images in the first-class bathroom of an American Airlines flight used by a family, including a 14-year-old girl. The family is suing the airline, and is also angry that American was selling the photos to exiting passengers like they do at roller coasters.

A Florida high school principal said she was forced out after an in-school assembly on improving academic performance that only included black students. She disputed the allegation, saying the assembly focused on improving the football and basketball teams.