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Leonardo DiCaprio celebrated his 48th birthday at a Beverly Hills mansion at a party featuring Hollywood sports & entertainment A-listers, and under-25 lingerie model C, D, and DD-listers.

A white middle school teacher in Pflugerville, Texas was fired after telling students that his race “is the superior one”. The school district superintendent admitted he should never have been hired, given his affiliation with the Pflu Pflux Pflan.

Donald Trump scheduled a “major announcement” for today, believed to be either his 2024 Presidential run, or that he has no intention of paying the bar tab for daughter Tiffany’s wedding this past Saturday.

Jeff Bezos said in an interview Americans should hold off on big-ticket purchases like TVs and cars, saving them for when the economy really needs it to lift out of a recession. Then after the interview Bezos transferred the $125 million needed to finish his megayacht.

Walmart officials said as prices rise due to inflation, more wealthy shoppers are turning to their stores for groceries. Walmart said you can tell they’re wealthier, because they’re wearing shirts under their overalls.

Ballet dancers are criticizing actress Sydney Sweeney’s ballet-inspired photo shoot, saying her pointe shoes are worn incorrectly. Fans of Sweeney from HBO’s Euphoria also critiqued the pictures, saying you can’t see her breasts.

The mother of a 10-year-old boy in Highland, NY faces charges for letting an unlicensed tattoo artist ink the boy’s name on his forearm. The good news is the 10-year-old now spells his name correctly on all homework assignments.

Google agreed to pay a record $392 million settlement to 40 states, after the company continued to track users location after they’d turned off location tracking. The remaining 10 states don’t get anything, since nobody really cares where people are in the Dakotas, Alaska, etc etc.

Police at JFK Airport in New York City found 28 pounds of cocaine hidden in the tires of a woman’s wheelchair. The woman was charged with drug trafficking, and stealing the wheels off of a farm tractor in her native Dominican Republic.

The United Nations claims the world’s population will reach 8 billion this week, as the world also marks its 1 Billionth terrible gender reveal party.

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A couple faces criticism after throwing a birthday party for their five-year-old son at Hooters. They said he had a great time with the servers, although parents of five-old-girls attending the party were angry their daughters had to wear orange booty shorts and stuff their t-shirts.

A transgender high school teacher with giant prosthetic breasts will be allowed to continue wearing them. Her students don’t care that she’s transgender, just that her breasts keep erasing everything she tries writing on the chalkboard.

The creators of ‘Stranger Things‘ say the final season has “the tone of Season 1 but the scale of Season 4”. They say we’ll know what they mean when it’s released in 2027.

Alt-rockers The Neighbourhood kicked drummer Brandon Fried out of the band for groping Maria Zardoya of band The Marias. The Neighbourhood will audition replacement drummers, and The Marias formed a Neighbourhood Watch.

Jeff Bezos said he’ll give most of his money to charity, unless the charity is for laid-off Amazon warehouse workers who took one-too-many bathroom breaks during their shift.

Joe Biden said his three-hour meeting with China President Xi Jingping was “open and candid”. Although he also said he “doesn’t know Chinese”.

A woman took her father to a Texas strip club for his 100th birthday. In preparation, all of the dancers completed a class where they learned to perform CPR during a lap dance.

A United Airlines flight attendant was evaluated at a hospital after a physical altercation with an urnruly woman holding a small child. The plane landed safely, although flight attendants had difficulty duct-taping the woman to a seat with a kid in her lap.

An eighth grade science teacher in Arizona and her husband lost their jobs after filming sex for their Only Fans account in an empty classroom during the weekend. Also, two of her 13-year-old male students can’t believe she was cheating on them.

Dollar General is being sued for listing false prices on shelves, then charging higher prices at checkout. Impacted customers seek damages of up to six cents each.

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The CEO of Keurig resigned after violations of the company’s Code of Conduct. He was caught in the break room having sex with a coworker and – even worse – drinking two cups of coffee at a time.

Outgoing Wyoming Representative Liz Cheney called this year’s election results “a big win for Team Normal”, adding.. “I wish I hadn’t waited so long to join Team Normal”.

Gisele Bundchen purchased a Florida mansion next to one being built by ex Tom Brady. If she wants to keep an eye on Brady, Bill Belichick told her he could send his video guys.

Cryptocurrency exchange FTX filed for bankruptcy. Account holders are unhappy with the company’s promise to pay out their balances with Sad Monkey NFTs.

China’s Singles Day – the world’s biggest annual shopping event – totaled over $1 trillion yuan for the first time. Also for the first time, somebody bought a size Large sweater.

The United States Mens National Soccer Team officially confirmed the 26 players they’ll send to Qatar to get their asses kicked and eliminated in the World Cup.

The City of Philadelphia said they’ll replace the worn and faded international flags that line the Ben Franklin Parkway. They hope to have the flags in time for an Eagles playoff win so local drunks can climb the poles and hang ’em.

Twitter’s Head of Trust & Safety resigned after two weeks under Elon Musk’s leadership. Musk is interviewing candidates for the newly-formed Head of Distrust & Danger position.

A woman in Thailand, Phonchanok Srisunaklua, faces criminal prosecution for a viral video where she eats a bat. Her attorney claims she’ll fight the charges, citing that she was sitting in a KFC.

Sophia Rosing, the University of Kentucky student arrested for racial slurs and physical violence toward a black student and police, has been permanently banned from campus. Her family said she’ll seek treatment while she deliberates over acceptance letters from the University of Alabama and University of Mississippi.

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After cutting ties with Kanye West, Adidas plans to sell Yeezy footwear under a new name. So far they’ve ruled out Kyreezy and Will Smeezy.

Four U.S. states abolished slavery, effectively eliminating themselves from consideration for a new Amazon distribution center.

Transgender beauty influencer Nikita Dragun was reportedly placed in a men’s unit of a Miami jail after her arrest for walking naked around a hotel pool. Dragun did influence male prisoners into thinking about sex with a transgender woman.

Tomorrow Marvel’s Black Panther sequel premieres. Which, at 2 hours and 41 minutes, feels like it takes Wakanda Forever.

Some Saturday Night Live writers are boycotting this week’s show hosted by Dave Chappelle, over his allegedly transphobic jokes. Chappelle will be left with little choice but to write his own sketches that are actually original and funny.

Bride-to-be Tiffany Trump is reportedly “flipping out” that Tropical Storm Nicole could ruin her Saturday wedding at Mar-a-Lago. Donald Trump still plans to give Tiffany away, even though he thought he gave her away years ago.

Sylvester Stallone gave an update on friend Bruce Willis’ health amid Willis’ battle with aphasia. Afterward, listeners asked if someone with a fully-functioning brain could give a better update.

Joey Arcidiacono, a man arrested for throwing a can of White Claw seltzer at Ted Cruz during the Houston Astros World Series victory parade, claims he wanted Cruz to catch it – in his jaw.

Pennsylvania state legislator Tony DeLuca was reelected despite dying last month. He’ll be the first-ever elected official sworn in with a Ouija board.

Donald Trump blamed his wife Melania for convincing him to endorse Dr. Oz in his failed bid for U.S. Senate, calling it “not her best decision”. Said Melania “neither was this” as she held up her ring finger.

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Facebook parent company Meta announced the termination of 11,000 employees. Remaining employees are on edge, having noticed that their responses to the company Holiday party were changed from ‘Going’ to ‘Maybe’.

Democrat Josh Shapiro won the race for Governor of Pennsylvania over bus-trip insurrectionist Republican Doug Mastriano. Unbowed, Mastriano announced that he will enact legislation banning abortions among his wife and kids.

An inscription carved on a 3,700-year-old ivory lice comb is the longest sentence written in an alphabet, according to researchers. Translated, it reads ‘May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard.’ It was found next to a tablet inscribed with the sentence ‘and maybe take a bath you filthy lice-infested slob’.

Jennifer Lopez told Vogue magazine she has an “amazing” co-parenting relationship with Ben Affleck’s ex, Jennifer Garner over their three children, claiming her “amazing” team of au pairs is able to keep the kids from getting anywhere near her.

Former Trump White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be the next Governor of Arkansas. Her predecessor, Sean Spicer, will be the next Governor of an Elks Club lodge in suburban Virginia.

Jennifer Aniston said she tried in vitro fertilization, but was unsuccessful because the sperm kept dumping her eggs.

Twitter is changing course and adding a new Gray ‘Official’ check mark to verify certain individuals, in addition to the Blue check that users can pay for. They’re also adding a Black check mark to Donald Trump’s account to indicate he’s still banned.

An 8-year-old boy in the remote Pandarpadh village of India bit and killed a venomous cobra that attacked him and bit his arm. The boy was treated with antivenom and released, and the cobra was treated with chimichurri sauce and eaten.

A doctor attending the American Association of Hip & Knee Surgeons Annual Convention broke the Guinness World Record by assembling the bones of the leg in 78 seconds. He did it on the third try, and the first two will likely need wheelchairs.

A TikTok artist entombed a bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos in a 3,000 pound concrete sarcophagus. He plans to periodically exhume it to see how long it takes the Cheetos to melt an ulcer in the concrete.

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Texas Senator Ted Cruz was booed, flipped off, and pelted with beer cans while riding in the Houston Astros World Series victory parade. He then returned home where he was booed, flipped off and pelted with beer cans.

Today is Election Day. Later this week doctors will diagnose a record number of patients with carpal tunnel syndrome from overusing the Mute button on their tv remotes.

Monday night’s record $1.9 billion Powerball lottery drawing was delayed because of a ‘technical issue’. The blonde model announcing the numbers thought something was missing, so she threw a paddle in with the ping-pong balls.

Powerball likely won’t be settled on Election Day, because state lottery commissions have to wait and count mail-in entries.

The NHL Boston Bruins have cut ties with Mitchell Miller, a defense prospect who bullied a developmentally challenged black boy when he was 14. There’s that, and he’s also not great at blocking shots or fighting.

Disney World and Universal Studios Orlando theme parks are under a state of emergency with the approach of Subtropical Storm Nicole. Guests at Disney & Universal are asked to keep their ears and Spidey senses open, respectively.

Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing the NFL’s Washington Commanders. Although players say they’re worried about the 10-hour practices and having to piss in Gatorade bottles.

A Chicago high-school principal was suspended for posing with a student who dressed as Nazi soldier and gave a Nazi salute onstage during a Halloween costume contest. The principal defended his actions, saying he always takes a photo with the contest winner.

An Australian man is charged with physically assaulting the cleaner who interrupted his sexual encounter with a woman in a handicapped stall at a nightclub by repeatedly knocking on the stall door. The paraplegic waiting to use the stall called it ‘still kind of a mess’, but got through it okay.

Rappers Drake and 21 Savage are being sued by publisher Conde Nast for placing their photos on fake Vogue magazine covers to promote their new album. A spokesperson for Vogue says they never gave permission, but that they could still maybe get on the cover of Vogue if they each lost about fifty pounds.

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An iPhone factory was temporarily shut down in China when workers at a Foxconn facility walked off assembly lines to protest COVID quarantines. While technically a walkout, most of the iPhone assembly workers rode off on their Big Wheels.

The City of Philadelphia became the first to lose two championships in one day, as the Philadelphia Union soccer team and the Philadelphia Phillies lost in the MLS Cup and World Series, respectively. Residents expecting to fire guns in the air in celebration quickly switched plans and fired them at each other.

California became the latest state to legalize human composting – adding biodegradable items to corpses so they become fertilizer. Advocates of the practice say the hardest part is looking at it when you throw banana peels and egg shells in to the compost bin.

With no winners on Saturday, the Powerball jackpot grew to $1.9 billion – or, about how much Twitter is worth now after Elon Musk bought it for $44 billion a couple weeks ago.

Salad restaurant Sweetgreen is offering its first chainwide dessert, a ‘healthy’ Rice Krispies treat made with quinoa, millet, brown rice and date honey. It’s available for purchase today, and available to birds after it’s tossed on the ground after one bite later today.

Twitter banned comic Kathy Griffin for impersonating Elon Musk without explicitly stating that it was a parody account. Content moderators wondered why Musk would start telling joke after joke about being friends with gay people.

Dr. Dre gave the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction speech for fellow rapper Eminem, in which Dre joked that Eminem wanted it mentioned that he “has a huge penis”. Judas Priest frontman Rob Halford, also in attendance, then asked to meet Eminem.

A drunk 22-year-old woman enrolled at University of Kentucky was arrested after threatening the student working at the front desk of her dorm while calling her the n-word. She’ll either be expelled or announce her campaign for Student Body President.

A Georgia teen who pulled off a mask while brandishing a handgun during a robbery at a vape store claims it was all just a prank. Nonetheless, he’ll be charged as a Juul thief.

A North Carolina teen rolled out of a moving Lyft car after her driver made inappropriate comments about her appearance and repeatedly sprayed a substance with the windows rolled up. She was refunded, and treated for both injuries to her face & legs and Drakkar Noir inhalation.

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Former Pakistan Prime Minister Imran Khan was shot in the foot in a reported assassination attempt. Police describe the alleged assailant as ‘short’.

Netflix launched a ‘Basic with Ads’ plan, with commercials inserted into content, starting with Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story presented by Manwich.

German pro surfer Sebastian Steudtner set the world record for riding a 115-foot wave in Nazare, Portugal. Officials are still waiting to verify a record from August where an underaged drinker rode a 120-foot wave of empty Coors Light cans at the Jersey Shore.

Twitter users are reporting a recent surge in hate speech and the use of racial slurs. They attribute it to Elon Musk’s new ownership, and their own decision to follow Kanye West.

Viral video shows Houston philanthropist “Mattress Mack” getting in a fight with a Philadelphia Phillies fan at Game 3 of the World Series in Philadelphia. No word if he came back for Game 4, which would mark the Re-turn of the Mack…Re-turn of the Mack….

According to archaeologists, the burial site for a child in Finland who died 8,000 years ago during the Stone Age revealed “surprises” – specifically, a New Kids On The Block poster.

Charges are pending for a student in Berks County, Pennsylvania who took a selfie holding a handgun in a high school bathroom. The student claims the weapon was an innovative way to deal with constipation from cafeteria food.

McDonald’s is reporting increased business from low-income customers due to rising inflation, despite a 10% year-over-year increase in prices. In turn, low-income customers report a 20% year-over-year increase in bad cholesterol.

Kendall Jenner turned 27, as she celebrated with her family, and the mathematician she hired to help her past 10 while counting candles on the cake.

NFL legend Ray Guy – the first punter enshrined in the Hall of Fame – passed away at age 73. No word on funeral arrangements were announced, but it’s presumed he’ll be downed in the Coffin Corner of his hometown cemetery.

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Expansion football league XFL announced team names and logos for their inaugural 2023 season, including the St. Louis Battlehawks, San Antonio Brahmans and D.C. Defenders. Mid-season they’ll be joined by the Philadelphia Bankruptcy Lawyers.

Under new owner Elon Musk, Twitter will require verified users to pay $8/month to keep their blue checkmark or they’ll get kicked off. Donald Trump is expected to rejoin Twitter and accumulate $24 in debt he won’t pay by February.

Kanye West says he “hasn’t gotten supermodel pussy” in over a month. A dejected Candace Owens no longer thinks she’s a supermodel.

A Stanford University student serving as sports mascot The Tree was suspended from their role for holding a sign reading ‘Stanford Hates Fun’ during halftime of a football game. The student was ordered to shed their leaves and became The Deciduous Tree.

A study of mice finds a link between nose-picking and Alzheimer’s. Senior mice dispute the study, saying its just harder for them to find tissues to blow their nose.

Scientists identified a gene that is responsible for ‘uncombable hair syndrome’ – specifically, anyone carrying DNA in common with KISS bassist Gene Simmons.

Retired professional boxer Goran Gogic was arrested and charged with trafficking over a billion dollars worth of cocaine. Gocic was photographed shirtless next to 20 tons of coke at the weigh-in.

Two Philadelphia eateries – Angelo’s Pizza and Mike’s BBQ – refused to provide catered meals to the visiting Houston Astros during the World Series. In other news, Philadelphia eateries including scrapple with breakfast catering were charged for trying to poison the Astros.

‘Dancing With The Stars‘ professional Cheryl Burke said in an interview that her high school boyfriend badly bruised her legs by whipping them with a belt while his parents watched. On the plus side, it made her learn the latin hustle before the big homecoming dance.

A leading career consultant advises workers to stop saying “I’m sorry” after making an error at work, which makes you appear weak. Instead they recommend other phrases like “I take full responsibility”, “How can I improve?”, and “F**k you, I’m planning to quit anyway”.