By |

Burger King is selling Whoppers for 37 cents this weekend, but reminds cheapskates planning to load up that they make terrible, smelly stocking-stuffers.

Google Maps added the ability to place restaurant reservations. “For the thousandth time, we don’t take reservations” said annoyed workers at a New Jersey Turnpike rest area Roy Rogers.

The first U.S. case of the Omicron COVID-19 variant was identified in San Francisco. It’s expected to spread rapidly because it’s just too expensive to live there.

Alec Baldwin told ABC News George Stephanopolous he “didn’t pull the trigger” on the gun that fired a lethal shot on a movie set. The NRA then promptly added the Easy Shoot Cowboy Pistol to its 2021 Holiday Buyers Guide.

Christian televangelist and anti-vaxxer Christian Lamb died from COVID-19. His wife announced the news on their Daystar Television Network, saying COVID came in like a lion, and took out a Lamb.

After failing to reach a new labor agreement, Major League Baseball owners voted unanimously to lock out players. A reminder that this lockout is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer, the official hard seltzer of Major League Baseball. For the loudest flavors ever, it’s Bud Light Seltzer.

Tesla unveiled the $1,900 ‘Cyberquad’, a fully-electric children’s all-terrain vehicle. However, purchasers have to build it themselves with instructions from a 22-page manual, so kids should be driving it around Christmas 2025.

A new dinosaur species found in Chile had a unique bladed tail it would slash as a weapon, proving that even male dinosaurs would risk it all trying to chase some tail.

Pope Francis accepted the resignation of Paris Archbishop Michel Aupetit over his “intimate relationship” with a woman, with “intimate” defined by the Vatican handbook as “over the sweater second base”.

A study of National Basketball Association players & staff found vaccinated people with breakthrough COVID infections may be less likely to spread the virus. They tested a sample of NBA players, and an even bigger sample of their away-game side pieces.

By |

Chicago police arrested an 11-year-old boy for a series of carjackings. He will be charged as a juvenile and likely lose his five-star Uber driver rating.

Andre Dickens was elected the new Mayor of Atlanta, overcoming voter concerns that they were really voting for Andy Dick.

Scientists discovered the fossilized remains of dinosaur Kyhytysuka. They say the marine predator possessed an “arsenal of teeth”, which was good for devouring large prey, but not great for attracting or keeping boyfriends.

A Russian cannibal – who confessed to murdering and eating victims – was arrested after a decapitated body fell out of the trunk of his crashed car. He admitted he was running late with the delivery to one of his regular Grubhub customers.

Alice Sebold, author of The Lovely Bones, apologized to the man who wrongly served 16 years in prison for her rape. However, she withheld any apology for the terrible film adaptation of The Lovely Bones.

A South Carolina jury awarded $10 million to a woman who lost her leg from complications after stepping on a rusty nail inside a Walmart. The complications were treatment she received from a part-time stockboy at Walmart Urgent Care.

Kyle Rittenhouse is no longer a registered nursing student at Arizona State University, saying they already have enough guys with AR-15s providing security at keg parties.

A FedEx driver is accused of dumping packages at a ravine in Alabama six different times. The investigation was complicated because all six times, the same possum signed for the deliveries.

As Kim Kardashian and estranged husband Kanye West attended a Miami funeral for designer Virgil Abloh, Pete Davidson attended a New York Knicks game with his sister. Davidson now has a new hickey and says he & his sister are just friends.

Former ‘The Bachelor’ star / now out gay man Colton Underwood said he tried to “suppress his homosexuality” daily with Xanax, adding that boner-free televised makeout sessions with women in hot tubs wasn’t suppression enough.

By |

Scientists discovered a new ‘super jelly’, a gelatinous subtance that can retain its shape even after being run over by a truck. They discovered it under the peanut butter in a public school cafeteria sandwich.

Xenobots, the world’s first ‘living’ robots created from stem cells, can now reproduce. The researchers who created them plan to share video at a biology conference, right after they upload it to Pornhub.

8-year-old North West started a joint TikTok account with her mom, Kim Kardashian. She already has over 1.2 million followers, because if there’s anyone who knows how to create a following with video, it’s Kim Kardashian.

Virologist Alex Sigal, who helped discover the Omicron variant of COVID-19, warned of its potential, saying Omicron has already been admitted to four Ivy League schools.

The Gucci family slammed the recent Ridley Scott drama ‘House of Gucci’, saying it portrays the family as “ignorant” and that they may sue. Scott’s lawyers plan a vigorous defense, saying if the Guccis spent $12 each to watch his awful movie, they really are ignorant.

Philadelphia’s Chocolate Ballerina Company – a dance group featuring persons of color – will debut ‘The Nutcracker Dipped In Chocolate‘, allowing a more diverse ethnic representation of performers to bore an audience for three hours.

NASA postponed a planned International Space Station spacewalk on account of debris. They’ll reschedule once SpaceX and Blue Origin launch crews of repeat DUI offenders to clean the debris up.

Madonna got a new tattoo on her wrist – Hebrew characters which, loosely translated, read “my wrist hurts”.

University of Southern California apologized for fans chanting “f*** the Mormons” during Saturday’s football loss to Brigham Young University. In reply, BYU fans in attendance chanted “Ok, but we need to get married first”.

Tiger Woods told Golf Digest that, in the wake of his auto accident, he’ll never be a “full-time player” again, saying that he now only has two side pieces.

By |

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un banned leather jackets, to keep citizens from stealing his ‘look’. This is devastating news to the motorcycle-riding former Coolest Guy in North Korea, Han-zie.

Madonna criticized Instagram for removing photos she’d posted where her nipple was visible. Instagram said it wasn’t seeing the nipple that was offensive, it was seeing the bite marks that Dennis Rodman left there.

A webcam model posing nude with an 9mm pistol shot herself in the vagina. She was treated for her injuries and given Plan B, since neither she nor the gun was using protection.

Claudia Lennear, 74, the black woman who supposedly inspired the Rolling Stones’ ‘Brown Sugar‘, said she’s sad the band no longer plays it because of its controversial lyrics. The Stones said they may play an updated song about her, ‘Brown Dust’.

A New Zealand politician rode her bicycle to the hospital while in labor, where she delivered a healthy baby girl an hour later. Her husband gave her the ‘push present’ she asked for, a new bicycle seat.

A woman allegedly breastfed a cat on a Delta Air Lines flight, and refused to stop when confronted by flight attendants. The woman said it was the only way she could get the cat to stop crying.

Jack Dorsey is stepping down as CEO of Twitter, saying he’s had enough of being a leader, now he’ll be a follower.

Panera Bread is redesigning its restaurants to focus on a cozier dining space, improved drive-thrus, and a dedicated area for customers to ponder how it is they just spent $15 on a bowl of soup and half a sandwich.

A fan crowdsurfing at a GWAR concert in L.A. lost his prosthetic leg, but was reunited with it after the band asked for help. Not so lucky were the four people losing real limbs in the mosh pit.

A Guatemalan man survived a three-hour flight from Guatemala City to Miami as a stowaway in the landing gear compartment of an American Airlines jet. He was taken into custody, where he told authorities he didn’t have the $199 it takes to fly in the same spot on Spirit Airlines.

By |

Dollar Tree stores announced they’ll raise the price of most items to $1.25. Hundreds of employees quit rather than taking a required 8-week training course ‘Making Change’.

Philadelphia recorded its 500th homicide on Wednesday, trailing Chicago by 200 killings, but still good enough to secure a Wild Card berth in the 2021 National Murder Playoffs.

New, heavily-mutated COVID variants have been positively identified in South Africa and Belgium, forcing North American tourists to cancel really long, boring vacations.

Israel also declared an emergency after a rise in new COVID cases and strains, with Prime Minister Naftali Bennett raising the national threat level from ‘be careful, bubby’ to ‘Oy vey!’.

Egypt celebrated the reopening of the famed Avenue of the Sphinxes in Luxor with a gala parade, capped off with an appearance from Mummy Claus.

Peter Buck, the nuclear physicist who co-founded Subway sandwich shops, died at age 90. Buck is widely credited for using sub-atomic particle splicing to create the world’s chintziest meat sandwich.

A North Korean man was sentenced to death by firing squad for smuggling video of Squid Game into the country. His family begged for leniency, saying he’s mentally ill for wanting to return to North Korea after leaving.

Procter & Gamble is recalling 18 Old Spice and Secret aerosol deodorants because they contain a cancer-causing chemical. Consumers should return the products for a refund, unless they already have cancer and stink.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are still together, making 2021 the first Thanksgiving in decades where Kim didn’t have dark meat.

Claire, a Scottish deerhound, became the first-ever repeat Best In Show winner at the National Dog Show. “Bitch”, muttered the runners-up.

By |

A Seventh Day Adventist Pastor in The Bronx told parishioners women must submit to their husbands, and told husbands “the best person to rape is your wife”. Those in attendance questioned the need for a sermon at the kickoff for the church’s Holiday Bake Sale.

Philadelphia, which is approaching 500 homicide deaths in 2021, is calling for a Homicide Free Thanksgiving. But they promise to make it up to residents with an upcoming ’12 Days Of Homicide’ Christmas promotion.

Kyle Rittenhouse visited Donald Trump at Mar-A-Lago, but said if he wanted to eat Big Macs and watch Fox News, he could have just stayed home.

A 45-year-old man in Moradabad, India – declared dead after being hit by a motorcycle – was found alive after 7 hours in a morgue freezer. He was listed in critical condition following treatment on ‘defrost’ in a morgue microwave.

Apple delayed the rollout of its ‘Digital Drivers License’ feature – where you can add your license to Apple Wallet – until “early 2022”. On the bright side, teenagers can use Apple’s new ‘Digital Fake ID’ feature immediately.

Rolls-Royce claims to have developed the world’s fastest all-electric aircraft, reaching over 387 mph before crashing into a Tesla recharging station at an A-Plus Mini-Mart.

Scientists were stunned to find a 10,000-year-old mammoth tusk at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, adding that the tusk was incredibly well-preserved, as was the note telling the mammoth it failed its junior lifeguard exam.

A bizarre species of tropical bees, known as “vulture bees”, forego pollen and eat meat from dead animal carcasses instead. Vulture bees were discovered when South American beekeepers opened hives and found Slim Jims instead of honey.

Dick Vitale returned to courtside for ESPN, calling the NCAA basketball game between Gonzaga and UCLA while he continues treatment for lymphoma. Vitale cried when he was introduced, causing millions of viewers to temporarily unmute their TVs.

Steve Burton, 51, an actor on ‘General Hospital’ for the last 30 years, was fired for refusing to get COVID-19 vaccines, and that he’d take his chances at Actual Hospital.

By |

Retired NBA player Iman Shumpert and partner Daniella Karagach won Season 30 of Dancing With The Stars, beating out favorites Jojo Siwa and Jenna Johnson – showing America prefers interracial couples to two women together.

A fan attacked wrestler Seth Rollins during a WWE Raw televised match at Barclays Center in Brooklyn. A spokesman for WWE said they’re reconsidering future ‘Bring Your Own Folding Chair’ Nights.

Actor Eddie Redmayne said his Oscar-nominated lead role as a transgender woman in The Danish Girl is one of his regrets, adding a trans actor should have played the part. But look for The Danish Girl Again, starring Edna Redmayne.

Chrissy Teigen revealed she had an eyebrow hair transplant, saying the hardest part was getting the hairs pulled from her upper lip.

Many families are asking relatives to get COVID-19 tests before Thanksgiving gatherings. Many dysfunctional families are asking relatives get COVID-19 so they can cancel Thanksgiving gatherings.

NASA announced a delay in the launch of the James Webb Space Telescope due to an “incident”. Speculation is swirling that the incident is James getting caught pointing it at a woman’s bedroom window.

Good Morning America host Michael Strahan accepted Jeff Bezos’ invitation to ride on a Blue Origin rocket, just as soon as they finish cleaning the seat up after William Shatner.

The United Nations is warning that Afghanistan’s financial system is on the brink of collapse, with 1 out of every 3 households lacking a single goat to pay for goods and services.

Author Gigi Gatewood said she and her husband always forget their actual wedding anniversary, so they celebrate it on Black Friday. Gatewood makes the day special every year by promising a special Bedroom Doorbuster.

Taylor Swift’s 10-minute ballad ‘All Too Well’ became the longest song to hit #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100. However, Daniel Powter’s ‘Bad Day’ still holds the record for #1 song that feels like it lasts 20 minutes.

By |

Dozens of people looted a San Francisco area Nordstrom store during a smash & grab robbery. Three of the people were arrested, since they stuck around to have their items gift-wrapped.

A New Jersey Starbucks worker may have exposed thousands of customers to hepatitis-venti-half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-caramel-frappucino-type-A.

Target announced they’ll keep stores closed on Thanksgiving Day for good, and will open at Midnight on Black Friday for stampedes.

Oregon State Police seized 500,000 pounds of illegal marijuana, with a street value of $500 million, and a government-run dispensary value of $5 billion.

Lebron James was ejected from Sunday’s game against the Detroit Pistons for elbowing Pistons Isaiah Stewart above the eye, drawing blood. Video of the incident premiered on HBO Max as Face Jam.

NFL wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr and girlfriend Lauren Wood revealed she’s pregnant, after she played wide receiver a few months ago.

Machine Gun Kelly didn’t bring girlfriend Megan Fox to the American Music Awards, choosing instead to bring his 12-year-old daughter Casie, a.k.a Squirt Gun Kelly.

Tiger Woods shared video of his first practice swings since his February auto accident. Ex-wife Elin Nordegren did not share video, but reportedly took her first swings since bashing Tiger’s SUV with a 5-iron in November 2009.

Kyle Rittenhouse said in an interview that he’s not a racist and that he supports the Black Lives Matter movement, with the exception of any movement near his gun barrel.

Two Fox News contributors quit the network in protest over lies & conspiracy theories in Tucker Carlson’s January 6th special. More are expected to leave once they release Carlson’s Christmas special, Kyle Rittenhouse Is Comin’ To Town.

By |

Vice President Kamala Harris will be the first woman with Presidential power when President Joe Biden is under anesthesia during a colonoscopy. Harris issued an Executive Order raising the White House thermostat to 72 degrees.

Singers Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes announced they’ve broken up, largely because they didn’t like the sound of ‘Shawmila’.

The FDA authorized Pfizer and Moderna COVID vaccine boosters for all adults, creating thousands of jobs to add a third line of fraudulent shots to counterfeit vaccine cards.

A gang of six people were captured in Brazil, accused of stealing horses for slaughter and selling tons of horse meat as beef. The meat has been seized, delaying the grand opening of a dozen Fogo de Chao Brazilian Steakhouses.

Pete Davidson is reportedly ‘officially dating’ Kim Kardashian – or, as he likes to call her, ‘Triple Grande’.

Macy’s stock rose 20% on better-than-expected earnings, and a positive Christmas outlook fueled by husbands & boyfriends purchasing gifts that their partners pretend to like and can’t bring themselves to return.

Spotify added lyrics to all the songs streaming on its service – leading to hundreds of white people getting pummeled for saying racial slurs aloud while listening to their favorite rappers on the subway.

Julia Stiles is pregnant with her second child, and will attempt to break her own record for saying the phrase “get me the epidural” in the most masculine-sounding voice ever.

Kourtney Kardashian clapped back at a social media critic who criticized her for supposedly not spending enough time with her kids. She captioned a photo of her horseback riding in Mexico with Mason, 11; Penelope, 9; and Whatshisface, 6.

Travis Scott is facing $2 billion in lawsuits related to fatalities and injures suffered at his Astroworld festival. The U.S. Mint has ordered maximum production of $100 bills that Scott intends to make rain via settlements.

By |

QAnon Shaman Jacob Chansley was sentenced to 41 months in prison for his role in the January 6th riots. Separately, Chansley was stripped of his membership in the Water Buffalo Lodge by National President Barney Rubble.

Apple is selling self-service repair kits for iPhones. They come with tools, replacement parts, and slab of concrete you can drop the iPhone on to get started.

Mike Tyson claims he “died” while tripping on psychedelic toad venom – but not before the toad he licked died from a right cross to its head.

Following a housewarming party to celebrate the purchase of a $6.4 million mansion in Salisbury Township, Pennsylvania, the home was destroyed by fire. Firefighters declared the house “warm”.

A lab owned by pharmaceutical company Merck was temporarily shut down when workers found refrigerated vials labeled “smallpox”. They were declared the second-most toxic items in the refrigerator, next to some guy’s leftover Indian food.

A woman claimed Pope Francis performed a miracle on her son when he walked on a Vatican stage. The miracle was that Pope Francis didn’t ask to see the boy naked.

A drop in temperatures and a significant East Coast storm could disrupt Thanksgiving travel plans next week. “Oh no, maybe we should cancel that trip to your parents?” asked hopeful husbands.

CVS is closing 900 stores. The list will be printed on every customer’s receipt.

A new study of Google Search results shows the most popular cake flavor in every state. Ice cream cake was the most popular in 10 states. In Mississippi, the favorite was urinal cake.

Starbucks is giving away free reusable red cups today. Service is expected to be slower-than-usual as needy regulars give detailed drink orders including specific shades of red.