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Penn State University researchers say mouthwashes and oral rinses kill coronavirus. They studied several hundred Penn State freshman & sophomore dorm residents who really needed to wash their mouths out for some reason.

Netflix canceled Hillary Swank astronaut drama Away after one season. They’re considering merging it with another Netflix series recently cancelled after one season to make Teenage Bounty Hunters In Outer Space.

Melania Trump cancelled a planned appearance at her husband’s rally in Erie, Pennsylvania, citing a nagging cough, and also citing the rally being in Erie, Pennsylvania.

USA Today gave its first-ever presidential candidate endorsement to Joe Biden, although most people didn’t see it because they only read the red and purple sections.

As expected the Department of Justice filed antitrust charges against Google. Google denied monopoly power of its search technology, saying if people wanted to, they could use Bing. Then they ended the Zoom meeting and laughed for 20 minutes.

Ford unveiled a new self=driving vehicle it hopes to launch in 2022. It starts by memorizing familiar routes for Ford vehicles, like the way to the repair shop.

Donald Trump abruptly ended what was to have been a longer interview with 60 Minutes Lesley Stahl after 45 minutes, then did not return. Stahl said she regretted scheduling the interview when The Bachelorette was on.

California set a timetable for large theme parks like Disneyland to reopen at partial capacity – now it’s a race against time for princesses to fit into their dresses.

An estimated 67,000 felons residing in Florida are currently registered to vote – 67,003 if you count the guys currently robbing the bank across from a polling place.

A Texas woman died on a plane of COVID-19. Several Spirit Airlines passengers also died of unknown causes, which a spokesperson for Spirit Airlines called “a Tuesday”.

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Google is rolling out ‘driving mode’ for the Google Assistant. You can choose from a male Assistant voice that’s pretty sure it knows the way, or a female voice that tells you to just stop at a gas station and ask somebody.

The Department of Justice will charge Google with multiple antitrust law violations, shortly after they finish Googling ‘antitrust law’ just to be sure.

London’s Heathrow Airport is offering one-hour COVID-19 tests to outbound passengers for $104. It’s the second-most overpriced and uncomfortable experience at the airport, right behind the $20 airport breakfast.

All 62 residents at a Kansas nursing home have COVID-19. The bad news is some are really sick; the good news is that the rest might as well get together for the Halloween party after all.

Bruce Willis appears in a new ad for Die Hard auto batteries. The official title is ‘Die Hard With A Bad Alternator’.

A “deepfake bot” on messaging app Telegram is manipulating pictures of clothed women and virtually ‘stripping’ them to create fake nudes. Experts worry about the psychological damage to anyone seeing the deepfaked pic of Queen Elizabeth.

Michigan is recording record firearm sales. They say even self-described Democrats are buying guns, presumably to fire into the air if Biden wins.

Eddie Murphy posed with all of his children together for the first time – thanks to the iPhone’s new super wide angle lens.

‘Tiger King’ star & supposed animal activist Carole Baskin announced that she’s bisexual. A female tiger announced she’s not interested.

Singapore Airlines resumed the world’s longest passenger flight – an 18-hour trip from Singapore to New York. Masks are required for all passengers, and gags are required for small children asking “are we there yet?”

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Peloton recalled pedals from exercise cycles, saying they could injure owners who trip over them while hanging laundry on the bikes.

Chicago was named “America’s rattiest city” – with the most recorded rat infestations – for the sixth straight year. New York City’s Pizza Rat proved to be no match for Chicago’s Deep Dish Pizza Rat.

A Texas executive was charged with the largest tax evasion scheme in history, hiding over $2 billion in income. He is currently deciding between fleeing the country or running for President.

A 14-year-old girl won $25,000 for development of a potential treatment for COVID-19, and pocketed another $500 from classmates hoping to sit next to her during the science test.

Instagram fitness influencer Dmitriy Stuzhuk – who claimed COVID-19 wasn’t real – died of COVID-19. His profile was updated to reflect he’s now a sickness influencer.

A sexual assault suspect was arrested in Los Angeles after barricading himself in a building on the Paramount Pictures studio lot. “Come out, we’ve got you surrounded, Weinstein!” said cops.

UFC fighter Kenny Ortega returned from a two year absence to defeat ‘The Korean Zombie’ Chan Sung Jung. Ortega beat the Zombie’s brains out, then the Zombie ate them.

Kim Kardashian was interviewed by David Letterman, and refused to tell him who she was voting for in the Presidential election. Kardashian said she expects to cast her ballot right before Christmas.

CVS is hiring over 10,000 pharmacy technicians to deal with increased traffic from flu vaccines, COVID-19 tests, and refilling 72-inch receipts in checkout registers.

NASA and Nokia are putting a 4G cell phone network on the Moon. They’re also building a Boost Mobile store there for astronauts who have so-so credit scores.

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Former ‘The Bachelorette’ stars Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum announced they’re ending their marriage. ABC announced two new spinoff series: ‘The Divorcee’ and ‘The Dimwit’.

Italian Luca Corberi promised to never race in the World Karting Championship series, after crashing and throwing his kart’s bumper on the track at other drivers. His actions violate rules, which only allow throwing banana peels, turtle shells and bombs.

Google will now identify songs if you sing, hum or whistle them. Then it will beg you to stop.

Donald Trump said at his televised town hall that he can’t denounce QAnon, because if he did, it’ll be QPublic.

Chris Christie said he was in the Intensive Care Unit for seven days battling COVID-19. Then, two New Jersey doctors filed a patent for a method allowing patients to inhale cheeseburgers through a ventilator.

A surprising study from the World Health Organization said four drugs have little to no impact fighting severe cases of COVID-19. They are hydroxychloroquine, remdesivir, interferon..and last, but not least, heroin.

Disney expanded its content warning for racism in its library of animated films, adding racist stereotypes “were wrong then and a wrong now”. Then further adding “but we rake in money off of them then, and are raking in money off of them now”.

Alaina Pinto, a real-life Boston-area news anchor, was fired for appearing in a Harley Quinn costume in Netflix/Adam Sandler film ‘Hubie Halloween’. She was then offered work in an upcoming Rob Schneider film, but said she wasn’t that desperate yet.

A passenger on a Delta Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit claims she woke up from a nap to find a man standing and urinating on her. Even more amazing, he was able to do it from a window seat in coach.

A United Airlines executive is still missing two months after mysteriously disappearing from his home in Illinois. “Did you look in his checked baggage?” asked a different United Airlines executive.

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The city of Philadelphia is suing e*cigarette maker Juul for creating a “dangerous health epidemic”. Hearing the news, every cheesesteak shop in the city lawyered up.

A bakery in Hatboro, Pennsylvania is selling $4 cookies bearing the name of Trump or Biden, then tracking purchases to see who wins the ‘Cookie Election’. The real losers of that election are dopes who pay $4 for a cookie.

The NFL said they’re “reimagining” the Pro Bowl. They’re imagining they’ll skip it.

Amy Coney Barrett was asked by a GOP Senator what Five Freedoms are guaranteed by the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. She replied freedom of speech, religion, press… Wham! ‘Freedom’ and George Michael ‘Freedom ’90’.

Maki, a 21-year-old ring-tailed lemur, is missing from the San Francisco Zoo. Zoo officials believe he was stolen, but other lemurs say he just went out because he’s finally old enough to drink.

The British government announced tougher coronavirus restricitions on London due to a surge in cases. It’s so bad, dolls have to sit six feet apart at tea parties.

John Cena married girlfriend Shay Shariatzadeh at a lawyer’s office in Florida on Monday. Shay Shariatzadeh-Cena becomes the world’s longest celebrity tongue-twister.

A Russian Soyuz rocket arrived at the International Space Station just three hours after launch – a new record. Despite the fast service, the Grubhub driver left without a tip.

Barron Trump tested positive for COVID-19, then it was determined a different kid took the test for him.

Amazon Prime Day concluded, marking the official kickoff to UPS Back Spasm Days.

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Dr. Dre’s estranged wife, Nicole, is charged with embezzling over $400,000 from him. Dre’s lawyers said the cash losses would only allow their client to make it drizzle.

Mayor of Anchorage, Alaska Ethan Berkowitz resigned after admitting to an inappropriate relationship with local news anchor Maria Athens. Athens would be on Berkowitz at 6pm, then look forward to seeing him again at 11.

A World War II-era bomb exploded underwater in Poland during an attempt to defuse it. A Polish bomb-squad frogman died trying to access the wires he needed to cut by repeatedly striking the bomb with a hammer.

Walmart is dividing its traditional Black Friday sales into three different online events: Trample Days; Fistfight Days; and Cyber Smash-n-Grab.

Nintendo introduced Mario Kart Live for Nintendo Switch — where Mario and friends race around the inside of your home until the cat or dog rips their heads off.

The U.S. and seven other countries agreed to NASA’s proposed rules for exploring the moon. They include not going in the lunar lander if there’s a necktie on the door handle.

Mars will be extra-bright in the Eastern sky tonight, meaning Martians will be extra-cranky tomorrow morning after trying to sleep with the lights on.

The CDC says ‘small family gatherings’ are helping fuel a surge in COVID-19 cases. They advise watching the 4 o’clock football games at home, and blowing off Sunday dinner at grandma’s.

Joe Biden and Donald Trump will each have televised town hall meetings on Thursday, Biden in Philadelphia and Trump in Miami. Biden’s will be called “Joe Biden Town Hall”, Trump’s will be called “Wasting Away Again in Coronaville”.

The New York Jets waived troubled running back Le’Veon Bell, but are still on the hook to pay him $27.5 million in Bell tolls.

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Amazon, Target & Walmart all kicked off big two-day sales. Amazon has Prime Day, Target has Deal Days, and Walmart has Dig Up That Coffee-Can Cash In The Yard Days.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said he “won’t walk away from” the COVID-19 outbreak no matter who the President is. Instead, he’ll fly to New Zealand.

Astra Zeneca and Johnson & Johnson both paused their COVID-19 vaccine trials because a participant became ill. Newly-immune Donald Trump volunteered to donate his plasma, but the patients said they don’t want herpes.

Employees of iconic Hollywood landmark Chateau Marmont say the hotel has a “toxic, drug-fueled culture”. Not surprisingly, guests rate Chateau Marmont as Los Angeles’ #1 Hotel for Toxic Drug-Fueled Stays on Trip Advisor.

Nikki Patterson of Scotland broke the Guinness Book Record for having the most tattoos of any musical artist, with 28 tattoos of Eminem. Remarkably, 27 of them are cover-ups of Vanilla Ice.

New York’s upscale sex club, Snctm, is planning a ‘Black-Death themed’ Halloween sex party. Space is limited to 30 guests on a first-served, first-come basis.

A 25-year-old Nevada man is now the first U.S. citizen confirmed to have contracted COVID-19 twice. He says the second bout was worse because of his underlying condition of eating at the Circus Circus buffet the day of his second positive test.

A new study claims coronavirus can survive for up to 28 days on paper money. “So?” said men who leave all their cash in pants pockets when they do laundry.

Delta Airlines reported a $5.4 billion quarterly loss due to the pandemic. So good luck getting them to give you that whole can of Diet Coke.

Flight attendants Kim Guillory, a black woman, and Sharon Tesler, a Jewish woman – both “over age 39” – are suing United Airlines, saying they aren’t picked for MLB & NFL charter flights because they’re not young and blond. United claims it’s not their age and race, it’s that football and baseball players don’t want to have sex with them.

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A mink on a Michigan farm tested positive for coronavirus. He decided to get tested because he felt really warm.

Unseeded Iga Swiatek won the women’s championship at the French Open tennis tournament. Asked what she was going do do next, she replied “Iga Disney World!”

Harold “Heshy” Tischler was jailed for inciting a riot as Orthodox Jews continue to protest New York City’s COVID-19 restrictions. Tischler becomes the first person arrested for excessive fist-shaking.

Two U.S. professors won the Nobel Prize in Economics for ‘improvements to auction theory and introduction of new auction formats’. Then they sold the prize on eBay.

Estee Lauder is sending 10 bottles of skin care serum to the International Space Station, and will auction one bottle for charity. The winner will be responsible for the winning bid, plus $3 million in shipping.

COVID-19 vaccine makers are paying people to take trial vaccines, with the plan to expose them to coronavirus in a controlled environment. Volunteers are signing up quickly, because so many want to see the inside of the White House.

Many cities are ditching Columbus Day and celebrating Indigenous Peoples Day instead. “Whatever” said a government worker sleeping in.

Tom Kennedy, longtime host of game show ‘Name That Tune’, passed away at age 93. The church organist will play two notes of Amazing Grace in his honor.

Many Twitter users are outraged that Israeli actress and Wonder Woman star Gal Gadot will portray Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt in an upcoming film. They demand the role go to an actress who’s Egyptian, Greek, or dead and wrapped in bandages.

Amazon debuted the first of 100,000 electric delivery vans it will deploy. The vans will help reduce harmful emissions as they carry stuff you’ll dump in a landfill in a couple years.

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Registered Democrats are returning twice as many ballots as registered Republicans in early voting returns – according to Republican poll workers who say they’re having a hard time keeping up with shredding them.

John Lennon would have turned 80 today, if you believe he could have survived listening to Yoko Ono sing for another 39 years.

The head golf pro at an Upstate New York club died after a tree fell on him. Rescuers moved the tree branch, but were assessed a two-stroke penalty.

Famed plastic surgeon Dr. Terry Dubrow – star of E! Network show ‘Botched’ – claims a former patient is extorting him for $5 million because of her failed buttock lift. Since her ass was damaged, she wants to sue Dubrow’s off.

Microsoft is allowing employees to work from home permanently – provided they’re using Apple computers so they don’t spend the whole day with tech support.

The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the World Food Programme for their efforts battling global famine – narrowly edging out the guy who put on a McDonald’s & Burger King buffet for the football team.

An Australian surfer is missing in a suspected shark attack. So far the shark’s lawyers have refused investigator’s requests to floss his teeth.

Dollar General is opening new stores targeted at wealthier shoppers: Dollar Twenty-Nine General.

Donald Trump still wants to have campaign rallies, despite his voice giving out calling ‘Hannity’. The rallies would have the sign-language translator at the podium, while Trump flails his arms and tries to talk in the background.

The new ‘Jurassic World’ movie halted production after several velociraptors tested positive for COVID-19.

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General Mills announced Los Angeles Lakers all-star Lebron James will appear on Wheaties boxes. James then called a press conference to annouce that he was ‘taking his talents to Count Chocula’.

IndieWire called Adam Sandler’s new Netflix film ‘Hubie Halloween’ “the Halloween comedy America needs right now”. Which should give you some idea of what kind of shape America is in.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee said that, before his current sobriety, he was drinking two gallons of vodka a day. Lee added that, when the band resumes touring, he’ll need to get back Cerup to three gallons.

Mark Zuckerberg pledged $250 million to local governments, for their use managing elections that Facebook has effectively ruined.

After multiple positive COVID-19 tests in their ranks, all of the Joint Chiefs of Staff are currently under quarantine, making them the Individual Chiefs of the TV Remote.

Scotland shut down Glasgow and Edinburgh bars amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases, telling local drunks “you don’t have to go home lads, but you can’t quarantine here”.

McDonald’s is expanding its McCafe bakery offerings for the first time in ten years, introducing apple fritters, blueberry muffins & cinnamon rolls they made ten years ago.

Joe Biden committed to widespread cancellation of student loan debt, to the delight of deadbeat college grads who still won’t vote anyway.

NBC revealed that audience members were each given $150 for attending the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Asked how they felt about the money, most said “underpaid”.

Donald Trump said he won’t participate in the October 15th debate, after it was changed to a virtual event. Trump said that between tweeting, and shopping Amazon Prime Day on the 13th & 14th, he may run out of mobile data.