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After a 16-year-old Maryland girl complained about headaches and pain in her arm, her mother found out she received a birth control implant at her school. The family requests privacy as the girl recovers and sorts through dozens of promposals.

Supermodel Gigi Hadid intervened when a 23-year-old comedienne jumped on the runway at the Chanel show during Paris fashion week. No one was harmed, or really did much of anything, because it was a fashion show.

A police drone discovered an escaped Chinese criminal missing for 17 years living in a cave in remote Chinese mountains.  The drone was working undercover pretending to deliver snacks the fugitive ordered from Amazon.

The Korean PGA tour suspended a player for three years after he gave someone in the crowd ‘the finger’ for noise from their cellphone camera. Many were surprised to learn there are male pro golfers in Korea.

A turtle who’s resided at the Philadelphia Zoo for 30 years received a coconut oil massage, capped off by an impossibly slow happy ending .

A new company, Micron, reportedly has developed a smart toilet that analyzes human waste to diagnose health and risk of disease. So far, the most frequent message communicated by the toilet is “lay off the hot chicken wings”.  [story h/t to A.O.]

Two Philadelphia high schools were closed after exposed asbestos was discovered. The senior class at each school is being bombarded with scholarship offers from Philadelphia mesothelioma lawyers.

Spain’s first women-only hotel opened in Mallorca. After being bombarded with nonstop questions on opening day, the Concierge quit.

A judge ruled in favor of Harvard University’s admissions process, and against a group of Asian-American plaintiffs, who say the process favors blacks and hispanics. “Good call” said the Harvard football coach.

A 59-year-old Florida man was arrested for cutting the brake lines on over 100 electronic scooters – and he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky scooter-riding teenagers.

 

 

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Google is reportedly working on a “Personal Safety App” with that detects when a user is in a car crash and calls 911, but only after asking the user if they’ve finished texting.

Apple Maps announced a slew of upgrades to compete with its chief rival, Google Maps. Among the new Apple Maps upgrades — accurate maps.

Following Monday night’s performance on Dancing With The Stars, a majority of Americans and all judges favor Sean Spicer’s impeachment.

Ray Lewis withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, citing injures to tendons in his feet, and after being told he can’t eliminate competitors with knives outside of a club.

Two Buffalo Bills fans were married on the field at halftime of Sunday’s 16-10 loss to the New England Patriots. Their vows were amended to read “in sickness, for poorer, til death without a playoff victory.”

President Trump shared a poll from Breitbart that showed him with a 97.83% approval rating. EMTs were dispatched to the homes of the 2.17% for checks on their well-being.

Actress Ruby Rose said she underwent emergency neck surgery after doing stunts on her new ‘Batwoman’ tv show, although producers are reportedly angry she didn’t just fix it herself with items from her utility belt.

A vendor is accused of charging $724 to a fan’s credit card for two beers at the Miami Dolphins game. The fan was immediately notified by his credit card company, and was grateful for the time he forgot he was at a Miami Dolphins game.

Pennsylvania companies Yeungling and Hershey’s teamed up to launch Yeungling Hershey’s Chocolate Porter, a brewed alcoholic beverage that the companies call the perfect way to introduce kids to excessive drinking during Eagles and Steelers games.

Some providers of pet insurance are providing discounts for owners who put fitness trackers on their pets, citing the high level of calories that dogs can burn each day licking their own balls.

 

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The first food truck exclusively for dogs debuted in Seattle. It was open for a day before it was totaled by the dog driving it.

Acquitted child murderer Casey Anthony is reportedly considering having another child. She’s been interviewing nannies who don’t necessarily have to be good with children.

Police and medical personnel were called to a Philadelphia city school when several junior high students ate rice krispies treats containing marijuana. A school guidance counselor led an emergency assembly to teach students how to vape their pot instead.

A son who murdered his investment banker father after his weekly allowance was cut from $1,000 to $300 was convicted and sentenced to 30 years to life. He’s still pretty stoked, since $300 a week goes a long way at the prison store.

Christie Brinkley posted a photo on Instagram of her severely bruised arm, which led to her subbing in her daughter Sailor on Dancing With The Stars. The bruise is so bad, everyone wondered where DWTS contestant Ray Lewis was when it happened.

Tech entrepreneur Alexander Rhodes and founder of “porn recovery” site NoFap told CNN he was addicted to porn when he was 12 years old until he turned 25. He thanks his life turnaround to abstinence from masturbation and a new prosthetic arm.

Rutgers named Nunzio Campanille interim head football coach, firing Chris Ash after losing their last three games by a combined 112-16. Asked if he thinks the 1-3 team will go to a bowl game, Coach Nunzio said “ay, fuggeddaboutit!”.

Elon Musk said a SpaceX rocket could reach Mars next year. All it needs is a recharging station on the moon.

Forever 21 declared bankruptcy and will close 178 stores, in what they’re calling The Big So-Much-For-Forever Sale.

CNN posted a list of the best questions to ask during a job interview. Not on the list: “Are those real?”

 

 

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The U.S. Army may change the eligibility rules for burial in Arlington National Cemetery. One rule expected to remain unchanged is that you need to be dead.

The original crossbreeder of Labradoodle dogs says he regrets creating “Frankenstein’s monster”, citing his opinion that the dogs are either crazy or have a hereditary problem. His complaints are echoed by the guy who spent years trying to cross Great Danes and Chihuahuas.

A woman author, Katee Robert, released a new series of books, Wicked Villains, that feature Disney villains in kinky erotic scenarios. They’re so hot, Donald Duck walked in on Daisy Duck reading one with her pants off.

The NBA is reportedly requiring all teams to certify player’s height & weight during the first week of training camp. “Fine, but what’s with the fingerprints and DNA samples?” asked NBA players.

Inspire Brands, owner of Sonic, Arby’s and Buffalo Wild Wings, is acquiring Jimmy John’s sandwich shops. Inspire’s CEO said they wanted another brand to give customers heart disease, but a lot slower.

A gas station owner in Maryland has completely transitioned it to charging electric vehicles. The owner said he was frustrated with the way petroleum suppliers structured contracts, and that he wasn’t meeting enough douchebags.

The Anti-Defamation League said in a new report that the “OK” hand gesture is now a hate symbol. So stick to “thumbs up” at your kid’s soccer game to tell them they’re doing a great job.

Residents of San Francisco neighborhoods are trying to keep the homeless off the streets in front of their homes by placing large boulders on the sidewalk. They say the idea came from not seeing any homeless drug addicts in Bedrock.

Facebook will hide the number of Likes a post gets in order to minimize envy. Users will now just post how many Likes they got from previous posts in order to restore envy.

Uber is creating an incubator for new business ideas – because they want to give business opportunities to leering creeps who don’t own or drive a car.

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Facebook announced Horizon, a virtual reality massive multiplayer world. It’s designed to stretch the imagination, so much so that your Facebook friends become people you really want to talk to.

A new study claims water containing small amounts of sugar, protein or fat is better for hydration than plain water. This is bad news for families trying to convince obese relatives not to hydrate with Gatorade or gravy.

In New Zealand, a University of Canterbury student was reportedly dead in his dorm room for eight weeks before being discovered. The other residents of his dorm were really, really good at honoring the “necktie on the doorknob” rule.

Amazon announced eyeglasses, earbuds and a ring you can buy to communicate with digital assistant Alexa. “Alexa, you’re smothering me” said men.

President Trump dismissed the impeachment inquiry and whistleblower complaint as garbage, adding he has the best hearing and if someone blew a whistle he’d have heard it.

Families are concerned that the new DC Comics movie ‘Joker’ will spur mass shootings, citing as evidence everyone who wanted to kill themselves after paying to see ‘Suicide Squad’.

A United Airlines flight from Washington DC to San Francisco made an emergency landing in Denver after a woman got stuck in the bathroom. She was eventually freed, but passengers still waited to use the other one.

An inmate in the recreation yard at an Ohio county jail was caught on camera receiving a package dropped from a drone. The package contained a cell phone, marijuana and other contraband. The inmate was later charged with texting & shanking a guard.

You can now use Amazon Alexa or the Google Assistant to begin a job application to work at McDonald’s, provided you’re okay with Alexa or the Google Assistant taking ten minutes trying to talk you out of it.

Former co-host of ‘The View’ Jenny McCarthy claims show founder Barbara Walters – in early stages of dementia – consistently forgot who McCarthy was. This made many of the people on set jealous of Barbara Walters.

 

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Adam Neumann, founder and CEO of workspace management startup WeWork, is stepping down. Be on the lookout for his new venture, IQuit.

The Coast Guard intercepted a semi-submersible “narco sub” in the Pacific Ocean, carrying 12,000 pounds of cocaine valued at $135 million. The DEA is now trying to find a new home in the Witness Protection Program for the orca that gave them the tip.

A Philadelphia woman is pulling the wings off of spotted lanternflies and making them into earrings. So far, three women buying & wearing them have been kicked in the ear.

The Washington Mystics advanced to the WNBA finals, defeating the Las Vegas Aces. Said Aces all-star center Liz Cambage “we know when we’ve been licked”.

Fox News apologized for one of its on-air commenters referring to teen activist Greta Thunberg as “mentally ill” – adding that they’re staunch supporters of giving the mentally ill their own primetime shows.

A rare painting from the Italian master Cimabue, ‘Christ Mocked’, was found hanging over a hotplate in the kitchen of a woman living outside Paris. It is expected to sell for millions once experts complete the job of removing Kraft Macaroni & Cheese from it.

A walrus attacked and sank a Russian Navy boat that had gotten too close to its pups. An Admiral in the Russian Navy said “man we have some shitty boats”.

President Trump is reportedly in disbelief that Nancy Pelosi proceeded with impeachment after speaking to her on the phone Tuesday. He hasn’t misread a woman this badly since the time he thought then-wife Marla Maples would be excited about his date with Melania Knauss.

A parent who paid $250,000 to get his son into USC as a bogus water polo recruit was sentenced to four months in prison, or, a full semester.

The Governor of Massachusetts declared a four-month ban on all sales of e*cigarette and vaping products, sending dirtbag parents scrambling for new stocking-stuffer ideas.

 

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As he continues to lobby to be traded, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Jalen Ramsey skipped practice Monday, saying he’s sick and might have the flu. Then he was totally embarrassed when he ran into Jaguars Head Coach Doug Marrone in the lobby of the cinema showing Downton Abbey.

Melania Trump rang the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange on Monday. “Meddy Chreezmuss!” shouted Mrs. Stable Genius.

Viral video shows two bears fighting in the middle of a highway in British Columbia. The video was captured by the Grubhub driver delivering the salmon they were fighting over.

A McDonald’s in Sacramento is playing an unpleasant noise over an outdoor speaker to aggravate loiterers and homeless people so they’ll leave. Asked what the noise is, a McDonald’s manager said “it’s two Grimaces mating.”

An arrest warrant for sexual battery was issued for actor/comedian Andy Dick, according the LAPD’s Andy Dick Division, created to keep up with the frequency of his crimes.

Blac Chyna went on a dinner date with an unidentified new boyfriend, who put her toes in his mouth at their table. The waiter finally dropped off some bread to get him to stop.

Congress formed a group to combat youth vaping – meaning vaping will end up being bigger than ever.

Embattled NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown, released by the New England Patriots, reenrolled in classes at Central Michigan University where he played college football. Brown is glad to be on a college campus, where no one worries about sexual assault.

The annual Primetime Emmy Awards took place Sunday night, as confused American tv viewers asked themselves “are netflixes and hulus and primes tv? or is they movies?”

Motown released 60 unheard tracks from their vault. Some of them were songs from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and others; most of them were Joe Jackson abusing his kids to get them to work harder.

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HBO’s Game of Thrones won its fourth Outstanding Drama Emmy Award – but, once again, dragons were snubbed in all acting categories.

Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner were heckled and laughed at while presenting the Emmy for Best Reality Show. Hint – their show didn’t win.

Bruce Springsteen turned 70. His family couldn’t decide whether to get him a car or a woman, because in his songs they’re the same thing.

Former Scientologist Leah Remini discovered that her Scientologist father died a month ago. She was angry that she wasn’t told, but Scientologists said not to worry, a spaceship carrying his soul will meet up with her again soon.

Downton Abbey, the Movie topped the weekend box office with $31 million in ticket revenue. The number is expected to possibly double as elderly cheapskates invade multiplexes for $5 Tuesday.

Reacting to Antonio Brown’s dismissal from the New England Patriots and Twitter tirade, Dennis Rodman called Brown’s actions “How to Ruin Your Career 101.” Rodman then drove to a nearby community college where he teaches “How to Ruin Your Career 101.”

At the United Nations Climate Action Summit, a report warns that the Earth is on track for the warmest five-year period on record. Meanwhile, female climatologists at the meeting put on sweaters and ask for the thermostat to be turned up.

Romeo Santos made history as the first Latin artist to headline New Jersey’s MetLife stadium, drawing 80,000 to a sold-out show. His ability to draw a crowd that big to MetLife led to him being offered a job as starting quarterback for the New York Jets.

A child in Longview, Washington called 911 after getting off his school bus, telling the operator that the bus driver was drunk. The driver was subsequently arrested. Asked why he didn’t call while on the bus, the child said “Hey, I’m not walking home.”

Google is rumored to be buying Fitbit. Google is interested because your heartbeat is the one piece of your personal data they don’t already own.

 

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Chinese officials detained an American FedEx pilot, telling him he absolutely, positively had to be questioned overnight.

Firearms manufacturer Colt said they’re halting production of AR-15 assault rifles for the consumer market, citing surplus inventory. A ‘buy one now, get one free for a future mass shooting’ sale was not a success.

A scientist who works identifying fossils has found a way to identify criminals from partial hair samples that don’t include the root. Score one for cops, and one for bald serial killers.

North America’s bird population has dropped by almost one-third in the past 50 years, making liars of everyone saying the U.S. is for the birds.

A Delta Airlines flight dropped 30,000 feet of altitude without warning, releasing oxygen masks and terrifying passengers who sent frantic texts like “I love you”; “Pray for me”; and “Where’s my gin and tonic?”

Lizzo accused her Postmates delivery person of stealing her food order. The delivery driver said he did what he had to do to feed a family of 8.

Three Mile Island nuclear power plant, site of a 1979 meltdown, is closing today. Construction begins tomorrow on Cooling Tower Condominiums.

Tom Brady tweeted that he shut off the Thursday Night Football game between the Titans and Jaguars because of poor officiating. “Is that any way to talk about your best friends?” replied NFL referees.

Amazon committed to use 100% renewable energy and purchase 40,000 electric delivery vans to fight climate change, while they deliver all of the plastic crap you buy.

Mark Zuckerberg met with Donald Trump at the White House, but didn’t check in.

 

 

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Claudia Ochoa Felix, a curvy brunette resembling Kim Kardashian and rumored head of the armed enforcement wing of the Sinaloa drug cartel, died over the weekend. Telemundo scrapped a reality show they were planning with Ochoa Felix, “Keeping Up With The Heroin Smugglers”.

An American Airlines mechanic accused of sabotaging a jet to collect overtime repairing it may have ties to terrorist groups, said investigators who noticed he got his degree from ITT Tech in Afghanistan.

  • American Airlines said they’re looking into it, and the only terrorists they know of working for the airline are bitter old flight attendants terrorizing passengers.

United Airlines said it’s changing the rules for pilot drinking. Pilots will need to stop drinking 12 hours before takeoff; the old rule said they need to stop 12 minutes before they land.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau admitted to wearing brownface in 2001 as part of an Aladdin costume. Trudeau said he was sorry, and that he remembered the evening for receiving the Worst Aladdin Costume award.

Instagram is restricting posts touting weight loss products and cosmetic procedures targeted at users under age 18, in what’s being called a major breakthrough in visibility for everyone over 50 on Instagram.

India banned vaping, citing government studies that it’s even more unhealthy than breathing outdoors in New Delhi.

The 2-0 Buffalo Bills have hired 600 police and security officials to curb rowdy fan behavior at their home opener. It’s the biggest police presence in Buffalo since their Super Bowl appearances, but those cops were always sent home at halftime.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Raekwon McMillAan said that, following a legal hit on Tom Brady in last Sunday’s game, he was told by a referee to “stay off Tom”. The ref was identified only as “Gisele”.

Amazon will now let you donate to presidential candidates using Alexa. “Okay stupid” said Alexa in response to an Amy Klobuchar donation.

A Rhode Island woman used a numbing agent for a toothache, then discovered it had turned her blood blue. Doctors are mystified, but the blue blood got her in to three exclusive country clubs.