By |

A viral photo shows a baby lying on the floor of the standing room section of La Defense Arena in Paris during a Taylor Swift concert. The baby wasn’t kicked, but was treated for the several glasses of chardonnay that spilled into its mouth.

The New York Times published a detailed article about how E coli bacteria makes people sick. It begins: “.. first, they walk into Chipotle..”.

Lightning struck an active volcano crater in Guatemala, leading to the postponement of a local virgin being tossed into it.

The end of COVID-era funding and declining student enrollment are leading to many U.S. public school teachers being laid off. Although counseling is being offered to unemployed teachers by unemployed student dropouts.

Russia fired their defense minister. They’ve requested an interview with Kansas City Chiefs defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo.

Apple Store employees may strike, leading to a temporary renaming of the Genius Bar as the Knucklehead Bar.

A man who received the first genetically-modified pig kidney transplant died. Doctors say they can’t associate cause of death with the pig kidney, but…c’mon…

Actor Steve Buscemi claimed he was punched in the face while walking on a New York city street. Police are unsure of a motive, but appearing in so many Adam Sandler movies couldn’t help.

A study finds lesbians climax 80% of the time during sex versus 65% for heterosexual women. “See!?.. we need another woman in here to help you!” said heterosexual men swinging for the fences.

Several graduating Duke University students walked out of Jerry Seinfeld’s commencement address – most in protest of Israel’s assaults on Gaza, several because they’ve already heard the Pop Tarts bit 10 times already.

By |

In a divorce lawyer’s viral video, she lists the six most common professions of people who cheat on their spouse or significant other. They are: NBA point guard; NBA shooting guard; NBA small forward; NBA power forward; NBA center; & NBA coach.

Gen Z men & women are reportedly ditching dating apps in favor of trying to meet someone in person. Although many admit sharing nude pics as an icebreaker is a lot more risky that way.

Alaska Airlines passengers aboard the flight where a door plug blew off in midair were contacted by the FBI to say they may be “victims of a crime”. The FBI also sent letters to Spirit Airlines passengers saying they’re “victims of their own poor judgment.”

A new study finds venting anger verbally or physically is not as effective at inducing calm as yoga or meditation. However, the most calm person in the study was the woman who yelled at & punched someone after her yoga class.

Donald Trump appeared at a pretrial hearing in a case involving hush money payment to porn star Stormy Daniels. He said he’d be willing to plead guilty if someone would buy a sex tape of him & Stormy Daniels for $454 Million.

Kim Kardashian and NFL star Odell Beckham Jr reportedly split up after six months because she wanted to have a child with him. Beckham did not, but still said Kardashian was a talented wide receiver.

Chick-fil-A announced they’re changing their ‘No Antibiotics Ever’ policy for chickens to ‘No Antibiotics Important To Human Medicine’. Using only antibiotic-free chicken is limiting their supply, so they’re allowing poultry farmers to sell them chickens whose flu and gonorhhea have been successfully treated.

Utah’s Payson High School, location for 1984 film ‘Footloose‘, is having their final prom there because the school is relocating to a new building. 65-year-old star Kevin Bacon announced he’s accepted an invitation to attend – but his wife Kyra Sedgwick isn’t thrilled that he’s going with Payson High’s cheerleading captain.

Los Angeles Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani will publicly address a multi-million dollar gambling scandal that led to the firing of his Japanese language interpreter. At the very least, Americans are excited to learn how to say “double or nothing” in Japanese.

Philadelphia native Kevin Hart received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Like previous selection Adam Sandler, the committee was willing to overlook a lot of movies.

By |

Dating website Bumble cut 350 employees – but a least a woman got to decide who lost their job.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert’s 18-year-old son Tyler Boebert was arrested and charged with five counts of felony theft. He’s scheduled to appear in court and announce his run for Congress.

Oprah is leaving WeightWatchers, according to her spokesperson and her bathroom scale.

A urologist posting on CNN said that healthy urine should be slightly tinted in color, but still “clear enough to read through”. Not surprisingly, no one else will use the iPad in his bathroom.

A Missouri couple was married in a hospital while the bride was in labor. They’re registered at the accounts receivable department of St. Luke’s General.

Wendy’s said their new variable pricing plan isn’t “surge pricing”, but rather a plan to offer discounts during slow periods. They say they’d rather sell almost-expired burgers because there’s only so much chili they can make in a day.

Adam Sandler said he’s starstruck by Taylor Swift, and that the singer “makes him nervous” — but not as nervous as talking to Taylor Swift and having Rob Schneider ask to to join them.

A new mammogram center in a Walmart diagnosed their first positive breast cancer case within weeks of opening. Other women were told they didn’t have breast cancer, so they asked for a raincheck.

Allison Tennyson, 34, was profiled by a news outlet because she claims her Ehlers-Danios Syndrome makes her allergic to both semen and condoms. Her boyfriend calls it kind of a bad news/good news situation.

A British mom lifted a slab in her backyard and discovered a 160-foot, underground World War II-era bomb shelter .. and her teenage son’s porn collection.

By |

The first new public elementary school built in North Philadelphia in more than 70 years opened. A sixth grader cut a ribbon at one of the school’s exits to become the first student dropping out of it.

The mansion of Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill caught fire. Afterward, the structure was ruled incomplete.

Subscribers are cancelling streaming services in record numbers, due to higher prices, and watching 25 minutes of the latest Adam Sandler movie.

6.9 million 23andMe customers had their personal information stolen in a massive data breach. Although one of the hackers was delighted to discover several of the victims were long-lost cousins.

Amy Robach told her romantic partner and former Good Morning America co-host T.J. Holmes that she “lost most of her worldly possessions” in the divorce that followed their extramarital affair. Holmes said he remembered the first time she lost her shirt.

Dozens of previously-sealed documents related to Jeffrey Epstein were unsealed Wednesday. It’s the first time Donald Trump and Bill Clinton appeared together in years.

An Illinois man issued a warning, claiming he fell into a diabetic coma after taking counterfeit Ozempic. However, he did lose 8 pounds while he was knocked out.

TGI Fridays abruptly closed 36 underperforming restaurants, which they’re renaming SDI* Thursday. [*Shutting Down Immediately]

Colombian carrier Avianca was named the World’s Most Punctual Passenger Airline – mainly because crews are terrified what will happen if the drugs arrive late.

People with hearing loss who use hearing aids exhibit a 24% lower risk of mortality – as opposed to the 76% who can’t hear their friend say “look out for that truck”.

By |

After decades, premium cable channel Showtime announced they’ll no longer air boxing. But for old times sake, they may ask the women of their only hit show, Yellowjackets, to fistfight each other.

Adam Sandler stopped a comedy show at the SAP Center in San Jose when he heard a fan shout “medical emergency”. First responders treated the fan, as warmup act that nobody wanted to see, Rob Schneider, told them “you can dooo eet!”.

A Lansdale, Pennsylvania man was charged with DUI and indecent exposure after stripping naked inside a Wawa convenience store. He was also charged $4.99 for a Salami Shorti.

Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni separated from her tv journalist partner, Andrea Giambruno, following sexist remarks he’d made regarding the victim of a sexual assault. The two will share custody of their 7-year-old daughter and the pasta maker.

Producers of Rick and Morty discussed how they replaced departed co-creator/actor Justin Roiland for the voices of the title characters. They said first, they made sure the new talent weren’t serial sexist abusive assholes.

Director Christopher Nolan said Hollywood studios missed out by not producing Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour film, allowing it to be distributed exclusively through AMC Theaters. He also said he would have made it at least and hour longer and more confusing for no good reason.

CVS Pharmacy said it will no longer sell cough & cold medication with phenylephrine as the only active ingredient. The drug’s efficacy has been questioned, and besides, they need more room on the pharmacy shelf for opioids & fentanyl anyway.

Chick-fil-A will pay over $4 million to settle a class action lawsuit over their inflated delivery prices during the pandemic. They promised low delivery fees, but then charged higher-than-advertised menu prices for orders placed online and by anyone who sounded gay.

Britney Spears said the abortion of her and Justin Timberlake’s unborn child took place at her home so nobody would find out. And because they found a house call doctor that agreed to bring KFC.

A black bear in Tennessee crashed a family barbecue, eating 10 hamburgers off the grill and washing it down with Diet Coke. The family then took to social media, congratulating themselves for finally having a black guy at one of their cookouts.

By |

Jennifer Lopez marked her one-year wedding anniversary with Ben Affleck. “Who’d have thought we’d make it this far?” she wrote.

Charles Martinet – who’s voiced Mario in Nintendo video games for the last 25 years – is retiring from the role. He said he’d explain, but he’s only allowed to say “It’s a me, Mario”; “Wahoooo!”; and “Ow-ah-ah-ah-ah”.

Domino’s Pizza is closing all 142 of its stores in Russia – saying they’re giving away too many free pizzas after delivery drivers take over a half hour to show up while they dodge Ukrainian drone missiles.

Guatemala’s anti-corruption candidate Bernardo Arevalo is expected to win the country’s Presidential election by over 20 percentage points. He thanked the many Guatemalans voting via absentee ballots sent as they illegally entered the United States.

After scoring the lone goal to secure the Women’s World Cup for Spain in their 1-0 final against England, forward Olga Carmona learned her father had died – making it a truly heart-stopping victory.

Russia’s space agency said its Luna-25 rocket crashed into the moon. President Vladimir Putin shrugged it off, saying he thought there were Ukrainians there.

The American Academy of Pediatrics is urging all states to ban corporal punishment such as spanking in all schools. The request faces fierce opposition from teacher’s associations in Mississippi and Alabama, who say they paid good money for them paddles.

John Warnock, Adobe co-founder and inventor of the .pdf, died at age 82. He’ll be eulogized by an Adobe .pdf Reader.

Adam Sandler’s new Netflix movie You Are So Not Invited To My Bat Mitzvah, debuted with a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes — the “Fresh” 100% for a change.

A CBS News poll of Republican voters says 71% of them believe that what Donald Trump tells them is true. The other 29% couldn’t hear him.

By |

Google unveiled its rival to Open AI’s ChatGPT, dubbed ‘Bard’. It will be available to the general public in a few weeks, but in the meantime Bard will be used by Google’s “trusted testers” to see how well it helps them cheat on exams.

Southwest Airlines and FedEx jets nearly collided at Austin, Texas’ airport when they were directed to the same runway for their takeoff and landing. Air traffic controllers quickly told Southwest to cancel their takeoff since they were so good at it.

Tom Brady said he’ll start his broadcasting career with Fox in 2024, leading to speculation he may try playing again in 2023, or worse – make 80 For Brady: II.

Actress Megan Fox said on social media that she attended Clive Davis’ pre-Grammys party with a broken wrist and a concussion. Fox’s boyfriend Machine Gun Kelly is now known as Blunt Object Kelly.

Sasha Walpole identified herself as the mystery woman to whom Prince Harry lost his virginity, as he described in his book. Walpole worked as Prince Charles’ “stable girl”, caring for his horses, and occasionally helping a young sire out to stud.

Chris Brown lost in the Grammys Best R&B Album category to Robert Glasper, then angrily tweeted ‘Who is Robert Glasper?’. Brown was then informed that Glasper was a) the guy who won; & b) someone who never punched his girlfriend in the face.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis will appoint all five leaders of Disney’s special tax district in Orlando. Their first order of business will be to require Disney & EPCOT to stop teaching Critical Mouse Theory.

Salma Hayek said Hollywood would never cast her in comedies because she’s too sexy, and thanked Adam Sandler for changing that with the ‘Grown Ups‘ films. Hayek said she now wants to be cast in a comedy that’s actually funny.

Rihanna may go on tour following her Super Bowl halftime performance. With Beyonce and Taylor Swift already planning tours, Ticketmaster is bracing for what they call Hurricane RiBeyTay.

Media celebrity Maria Menounos said she’s expecting a baby with her husband after “a decade of trying” – and boy, are their genitals tired.

By |

Twenty-two people were injured when an SUV crashed in to a New York City restaurant. The hostess ignored it for a half-hour because the driver didn’t have a reservation.

The late Pope Benedict’s last words were reportedly “Jesus, I love you” … only he said it to a naked 17-year-old boy standing at his bedside.

Southwest Airlines was hit with its first lawsuit for not providing refunds after cancelling over 15,000 flights. Passengers rejected Southwest’s initial offer of peanuts.

An 87-year-old Philaelphia woman was struck in the shoulder by gunfire while celebrating New Year’s Eve on her front porch. She’s now earned her place as the oldest living member of the Philadelphia chapter of the Crips.

The House of Representatives failed to elect Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House, the first time in over 100 years a Speaker was not elected on the first ballot. McCarthy received only 203 of the required 218 votes needed. Adding insult to injury, 10 votes were received by Deez Nutz.

A 77-year-old man was rescued after becoming stuck in a drive-thru car wash when he hit the accelerator and the car flipped on its side. He was treated for minor leg injuries and hot wax inhalation.

Accused Idaho Four murder suspect Bryan Kohberger waived extradition and was scheduled to return to Idaho Wednesday morning. As of Wednesday afternoon he was still handcuffed in the Southwest boarding area after two flights were cancelled.

Drew Barrymore said the one actor who could convince her to return to acting is Adam Sandler, or someone else with a convincingly big enough check.

Sharon Osbourne revealed that daughter Kelly has welcomed a baby boy, Sidney. They wanted to keep the name at two syllables so Grampa Ozzy has a fair chance at remembering it and saying it right.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ is expected to cause a major flooding event in large parts of California, making real estate even more expensive since more of it will be waterfront.

By |

Taylor Swift released her new album, Midnights, then several hours later released the ‘3a.m. Edition’ of the album featuring seven new songs, after she remembered seven more guys who’d dumped her.

Elon Musk plans to cut 75% of Twitter’s staff if he buys the company, with the rest hanging on by a Twitter thread.

Netflix added a disclaimer of “fictional” to Season 5 of its series ‘The Crown’, which follows the drama of Britain’s Royal Family, after viewer backlash. However, they still refuse to add a disclaimer of “dull”.

Netflix is also planning to film a new Adam Sandler movie with ‘Uncut Gems’ writer/director partners the Safdie Brothers. Right now it’s only referred to as ‘Untitled Adam Sandler Project And NO, Rob Schneider & Kevin James Can’t Be In It.’

Steve Bannon is scheduled to be sentenced today following his conviction for Contempt of Congress. Bannon is expected to fight the sentence, as well as any requests to get his to shave or shower beforehand.

Girl Scouts of America received its largest-ever individual donation, $84.5 million, from Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. Said Scott, “now get me the goddamned Thin Mints.”

New York City opened a tent camp to house immigrants bused there by southern U.S. states. The immigrants are unexpectedly finding themselves fighting for tents with NYC residents because they’re nicer than their apartments.

Motley Crue and Def Leppard announced a 2023 World Tour, giving fans in South America and Europe the chance to see & hear for themselves that Vince Neil can’t sing anymore.

James Corden, who’d reportedly apologized for his rude behavior to restaurant servers, now says in a New York Times interview “I haven’t done anything wrong, on any level”. This comes as news to anyone who watched ‘Cats‘.

Fashion house Balenciaga terminated their relationship with Kanye West over his anti-Semitic remarks. However, West is expected to sign a deal with Wrangler jeans, who say if they worked with Brett Favre, they might as well work with this guy.

By |

A group of eight skydivers over age 80 became the largest in their age group to simultaneously dive in formation during a recent jump in Florida. The Guinness Book of World Records gave commemorative plaques to the five who remembered to open their parachutes.

A grandfather was charged with leaving a toddler in the back of a returned rental car at a Florida airport. He also faces charges of $12/gallon for forgetting to fill the tank.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX said it can no longer afford to donate Starlink satellite receivers to provide internet & communication to war-torn Ukraine. Comcast/Xfinity offered to jump in, leading Ukrainians to say “nah, we’re good”.

Garbage singer Shirley Manson said in an interview she once “took a crap” on a cheating boyfriend’s breakfast cereal. She and the boyfriend are no longer together, and he is no longer cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider claims that when fellow alum Bill Murray hosted the show during his tenure, Murray “hated” cast members Schneider, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. People can’t believe that Murray would hate Sandler & Farley.

Two anti-oil activists were arrested after throwing tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’ portrait at the National Gallery in London. Curators hope that it can be fully restored by dragging the canvas with grilled cheese sandwiches.

Grocery giant Kroger agreed to buy fellow grocery company Albertson’s for $24.6 billion. The purchase entitles Kroger to their choice of a free ham or turkey with coupon.

Vladimir Putin said the call-up of Russian reservists will continue for two more weeks. Southwest Airlines said they’re Wanna Get Away? fares from Moscow to anywhere else will be extended for two more weeks.

Donald Trump indicated he would possibly testify before the January 6th committee, but only if it’s on national television, and only if it airs opposite another terrible Thursday Night Football game.

A pair of 1880s Levis jeans sold for $76,000, and were printed with an anti-Chinese phrase on the pocket “the only kind made with white labor”. A pair of 1880s Wrangler jeans made with Chinese labor sold for a budget-friendly $19.