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A new study finds plant-based diets are best for lowering the risk of heart disease, while elevating the risk of your friends not asking you to go out to dinner with them anymore.

Mattel will honor 9 star female athletes by creating Barbies in their image, And they’ll have a bonus 2-for-1 Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner Ken/Barbie value pack.

A Domino’s franchisee in Bethlehem, PA will spend one year in jail and pay $2.5 million in restitution for tax crimes. Meanwhile a judge will schedule his hearing on pizza crimes.

A 12-time DUI offender was sentenced to 11 years in prison. Although he’s eligible to have it reduced to 10 1/2 years if he completes a Defensive Driving course.

A California woman was fined $88,000 after her children illegally harvested 72 clams from Pismo Beach. The fine was eventually reduced to $500, but she was still steamed.

Lebron James called for a change to the NBA’s challenge rules for foul calls, calling for coaches to get a third challenge after two successful challenges, and calling for any play that involves Lebron to be reviewed at Lebron’s request.

A new poll finds two-thirds of Americans are concerned about possble violence following the 2024 elections. The other third are pretty busy planning the violence.

The Department of Justice is suing to break up Live Nation/Ticketmaster, saying they’re using monopoly power to unfairly influence the ticketing business. The DOJ is planning to serve the lawsuit but are currently 20th in the queue with an estimated wait time of 15 minutes.

The Bachelorette alum Ryan Suter is addressing rumors that his wife Trista – the first ‘Bachelorette’ – had died. Ryan said she’s alive, and he can prove it because ABC hasn’t offered him a 12-episode deal as The Widower Bachelor.

WNBA rookie superstar Caitlin Clark’s popularity is about ‘white privilege’ and ‘pretty privilege’ according to The View co-host Sunny Hostin, who couldn’t drain a three to save her life.

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Applebee’s sold out of ‘Date Night Passes’ – cards offering $30 discounts on meals for two years – in less than a minute. Coincidentally, men who got the passes say their dates last less than a minute when women hear they’re going to Applebee’s.

An American Airlines passenger was kicked off a flight before departure for farting too much and bragging about the smell. American said they had no choice because passengers in adjacent rows paid for upgrades to Fartless Economy Plus.

Actor Ryan Gosling shared a social media post critical of Oscars voters denying nominations for ‘Barbie‘ co-star Margot Robbie and director Greta Gerwig. Toy maker Mattel said it was the first time ever that Ken had real balls.

8-year-old Ella Piazza, a little girl who was lifted up by Jason Kelce so she could show a sign and wave to Taylor Swift at a Buffalo Bills game, was contacted by The Today Show for an appearance. She was also contacted by Ticketmaster to pay $75 in fees for seeing Taylor Swift.

A frozen alligator was still alive while fully submerged under ice of a frozen pond in Texas. Wildlife experts said the gator was merely hibernating and should be left alone, after a good samaritan was hospitalized after attempting to give it CPR.

Alaska Airlines & United Airlines found many loose bolts on grounded Boeing 737 Max 9 jets, and are reconsidering future purchases of Boeing aircraft. Boeing’s CEO responded, promising every new 737 Max jet will come with a free monkey wrench.

A new study finds seagulls are shifting their habitats to urban environments. The birds now realize french fries are more plentiful inland, and it’s easier to shit on people at swimming pools versus the beach.

A new study from China finds life expectancy is longer for people drinking three daily cups of tea – a price that’s not too steep.

Lawmakers are asking the FDA to raise restrictions on tianeptine – a dangerous non-prescription antidepressant known as ‘gas station heroin’. It’s called that because of its opioid-like effects, and because it’s free with a fill-up at participating Exxon locations in the deep South.

A man in India dressed in women’s clothing and wore makeup to masquerade as his girlfriend so she could pass a healthcare career exam. They almost got away with it, but he was standing up while giving a sample for an accompanying drug test.

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Britney Spears’ father Jamie Spears had his leg amputated – settling half of his lawyer’s fees for keeping Britney’s conservatorship going all those years.

Video game Grand Theft Auto 6 will feature the franchise’s first female protagonist, Lucia. Instead of punching Vice City prostitutes and stealing their money, Lucia tells them they’re fierce and agrees that sex work is real work.

Taylor Swift is Time magazine’s 2023 Person Of The Year.  They promised Beyonce 2024 because the staff wants to live to see 2025.

Gen Z women posting to social media are embracing the trend of ‘Golden Retriever boyfriends’ – loyal, courteous men who make loving companions, but who also can’t help occasionally humping their leg when they’re excited. 

A recent survey finds over one-third of couples undergo “sleep divorce” – sleeping in separate rooms because of snoring, tv watching, or the bed not having enough room for a third person.

Barbie was named to Forbes magazine’s list of the World’s Most Powerful Women – the first woman to make the list who can’t talk or dress herself.

Norman Lear passed away at age 101. Lear’s pioneering sitcoms like ‘All In The Family’, and ‘Sanford & Son‘ elevated the discussion of race relations in America, and paved the way for other producers to create thousands of hours of network TV dogshit.

Dr. Amy Cohen of Narberth, PA was arrested and charged with attempted murder after setting fire to the home of her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s grandmother. It’s now even more difficult to schedule an appointment with her.

Former Congressman George Santos quadrupled his fee for personalized videos on Cameo to $350 following his expulsion. But he’s been ordered to give refunds to people who saw his listing offering videos from Boy George.

Cardi B posted an early New Year’s resolution, saying she plans to drop all “dead weight” in her life. So she unfollowed her husband Offset on Instagram, and made an appointment to have silicone siphoned from her buttocks.

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Smoke inhalation from wildfires is linked to dementia. This, after studying bears who survived the fires, but forgot that they shit in what’s left of the woods.

Los Angeles Police are speculating that organized crime or gangs are behind the smash & grab robbery at a Nordstrom store resulting in $300,000 in lost merchandise. Others think some customers are angry they missed discounts at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.

A 13-year-old boy survived a 100-foot fall at the north rim of the Grand Canyon while on a family trip. He’s recovering and was released from the hospital, but his Dad is still pissed that he messed up their plans to drive to Sedona.

Two American tourists got drunk and spent the night sleeping atop the Eiffel Tower. Police in Paris, France say this is a rare occurrence; police in Las Vegas say it happens pretty much every night at the replica outside the Paris hotel.

According to Nielsen, streaming tv viewing hours topped broadcast & cable tv viewing hours for the first time in July, 2023. Researchers cited the increase in the number of streaming services, and Fox News viewers dying in their recliners.

Clarence Avant, a longtime music industry executive known as the ‘Godfather of Black Music’, passed away at age 92. His title now formally passes to Jay-Z.

Margot Robbie is projected to earn as much as $50 million in her role as Executive Producer of the ‘Barbie‘ movie. She plans to invest her real dough to fund her other passion project, ‘Play-Doh‘

FBI agents in Philadelphia launched a raid on a teenager they describe as an “aspiring terrorist’ living in the city. They seized weapons, bomb-making materials, communications with an al-Qaeda affiliate, and multiple Dallas Cowboys jerseys.

A Florida woman allegedly murdered her elderly roommate, then doused herself in Diet Mountain Dew to erase DNA evidence. She was charged with murder while lying in the hospital bed where she’s being treated for second-degree chemical burns.

iPhone users are saying the Emergency SOS feature – which sends messages via satellite to first responders in service outages – saved lives during the Maui wildfires. Although now Apple is warning people to stop using it to locate late pizza deliveries.

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A Pfizer plant in North Carolina was severely damaged by a tornado. Although it’s a Viagra plant so they expect it to be back up pretty fast.

Wildfires continue to burn in Athens. Water cannons are slowing it down, but they really need lots of baking soda to put out a Greece fire.

Saharan desert dust is blowing across the Atlantic Ocean in to Florida. Although the volume is nowhere near that of the Colombian dust that blows in by the ton every day.

Google is reportedly testing an artificial intelligence tool that writes news articles. It’s code-named “BuzzFeed”.

Khloe Kardashian revealed that she named her ‘camel toe’ Kamille The Camel. Kamille’s humps are reserved for NBA players.

Longtime ‘Happy Days‘ star Anson ‘Potsie’ Williams, 73, married real estate broker Sharon MaHarry at their shared home. “Sit on it!” said Williams as they consummated their love that night.

In-N-Out burger banned employees from wearing masks in five states – Arizona, Colorado, Nevada, Texas and Utah – saying it was to emphasize customer service. Diners in those states familiar with the chain’s “secret menu” can now order items “COVID style”.

The lone $1 billion winning Powerball ticket was sold at a Los Angeles area bodega. There will be one less struggling actor on the Screen Actors Guild picket line.

The National Association of Theatre Owners predict as many as 200,000 people will attend same-day showings of new movies ‘Barbie‘ and ‘Oppenheimer‘. They describe these unique individuals as “terribly, terribly .. lonely”.

A Burger King assistant manager was charged with felony food tampering for mixing fries from the trash can with freshly-cooked fries. She faces a sentence of up to to 20 years in prison, or 10 more years managing a Burger King.

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Viral video shows an alligator attacking its trainer at a Utah reptile preserve before a good samaritan helped rescue her. The trainer is recovering, and received an overall score of ‘Needs Improvement’ during their annual performance review.

Samples of human brain tissue in lab dishes have grown rudimentary eyes – which they’re using to throw uncomfortable gazes at lab interns.

The TSA is extending its in-flight mask requirement until January. Flight attendants are busily bulking up for fistfights with passengers at Thanksgiving, and airlines are stocking up on red Christmas-themed duct tape.

Mattel created a Barbie doll of the scientist who created the Oxford coronavirus vaccine, only with bigger, pointy breasts.

Florida sanctioned two school districts for mandating students wear masks to prevent COVID-19, and for making kids take gym class to prevent obsesity.

Lady Gaga’s former dog walker Ryan Fischer – shot while walking the star’s French bulldogs – claims he’s homeless and is trying to raise $40,000 via GoFundMe. There’s no indication Gaga has donated, but the dogs each gave one bag of Pupperoni.

In a Twitter thread about terrible movies, Tom Arnold said he was paid for $5 million to play the lead in ‘The Stupids’. A sequel is in the works, it’s about the producers who decided to pay seven figures to Tom Arnold.

Oakland A’s pitcher Chris Bassitt is “conscious and aware” after taking a 100 mph line drive to the head. Also “consicous and aware” – the people who fell asleep at the game and woke up when he got hit.

Scientists found overweight lab mice lost weight when given a treatment that caused them to sweat out natural body oils. The treatment made them skinnier, but a lot more slippery.

In the wake of his most recent split from Khloe Kardashian, NBA star Tristan Thompson posted about “growth”. Specifically, about women who help him grow a lot more than Khloe ever did.

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Mattel introduced the Mattel PlayBack program, where you return older Mattel toys so they can be used to make new ones. Mattel is also hiring preteen boys with younger sisters to show them the best ways to melt down recycled Barbies.

Ben Affleck is reportedly dating Jennifer Lopez, proving that Ben Affleck does not disciminate based on age, race or ethnicity.

Helmut Jahn, famed architect of Philadelphia’s One Liberty Place, died in a bicycle crash. His family vows they’ll continue to ride, without Helmut. [Story h/t to T.M.!]

Caitlyn Jenner said she didn’t vote in the 2020 election, saying it usually takes her about 60 years to pick a side.

To protest the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s lack of diversity and alleged ethics violations, Tom Cruise returned both of his Golden Globes awards – but only after he had enslaved members of the Sea Org polish them up first.

Jeff Bezos bought a 417-foot superyacht, so big it has its own ‘support yacht’ with a helipad. The best part is he can write off the $500 million cost, since he’ll use it to make Amazon Prime deliveries to sailors on aircraft carriers.

Comedian John Mulaney is divorcing his wife of 6 years after completing his stint in rehab. Mulaney returned to stand-up last night. The VIP post-show meet-and-greet cost $49, or free for women holding coke.

American Airlines angered flight attendants with a memo telling them to skip meals to arrive at their gate earlier, to improve American’s terrible on-time metrics. Similarly, Spirit Airlines told flight attendants to save time by skipping showers and only washing their uniform overalls once a month.

McDonald’s is partnering with the White House to promote COVID-19 vaccine information on its coffee cups. The White House believes it will work, because McDonald’s cups have successfully convinced people to get coffee somewhere else.

Doctors in India are telling people to stop rubbing themselves with cow dung & urine to prevent COVID-19. They say there is no evidence that it works, although they admit it is helping with social distancing.

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A 16-year-old boy tried to smuggle methamphetamine across the U.S./Mexico border in a remote controlled car. He was arrested, and the Cancun Barbie at the wheel of the car was admitted to Dream House Rehab.

The operator of a self-driving Uber that struck and killed an Arizona pedestrian was the primary cause of the accident because she was watching ‘The Voice’ on her phone. Prosecutors say if she turned her chair around, she’d have seen the dashcam.

‘Harriet’ the cinematic biopic depicting Harriet Tubman, was originally developed 25 years ago, and a studio executive wanted Julia Roberts to play Tubman in the movie. Roberts declined because she thought one day she might run for Congress.

Grammy nominations were released; Taylor Swift’s ‘Lover’ only received three. Journalists seeking to reach her for comment were directed to her bedroom, since she doesn’t get out of bed for less than ten.

Representative Devin Nunes compared Trump’s dealings with Ukraine to George Washington’s communications with Great Britain, adding that present-day Democrats would want to impeach Washington in 1794. Democrats agreed that Washington and Trump are similar, but in that they have terrible hair.

Parts of California ravaged by wildfires are under a flash flood warning as heavy rain moved in. Although the flash floods were mainly isolated to the basements of houses that caught fire.

Google Earth introduced “creation tools” that allow users to create narrative projects featuring locations around the globe. It’s a great way to make a travelogue video of places you’ve never really visited to show to that girl or guy you want to sleep with.

A Texas mom is angry because an employee at her son’s daycare wrote that he needs to go on a diet. The employee said she wasn’t fat-shaming, just aware that it’s November and they’ve already blown through the annual budget for Lunchables.

A Russian bodybuilder dubbed “Popeye” nearly died after several liters of petroleum jelly were injected into each of his biceps. Doctors removed it along with dead tissue, then sent him to recovery, where a different bodybuilder dubbed “Bluto” beat the living s**t out of him.

Melania Trump invited Billy Ray Cyrus to a meeting at the White House with a family whose child died by suicide after cyberbullying. The First Lady said fighting online bullying is a part of her Be Best initiative, as is “getting photo selfie picture with achy breaky man”.

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Doctors at Johns Hopkins University completed the first successful penis & scrotum transplant on an injured military veteran. The procedure took 14 hours; they would have finished in 3 hours, but the patient’s wife rejected the first three penises they picked out for him.

  • The donor’s testicles weren’t transplanted because of ethical concerns, and because doctors found out the recipient was allergic to nuts.

Scientists in Singapore have created a robot that can assemble an IKEA kitchen chair in 10 minutes, although by the end of the job, the robot is no longer speaking to its wife.

Julie Sweet, CEO of consulting firm Accenture, says she’s targeting an equal number of men & women working there – up from 36% women, currently – by 2025. She says the key is finding more women who are good at lying about being able to fix Accenture client companies’ problems.

Waffle House shooter Travis Reinking has been apprehended. Officials had been searching over a day for Reinking – the man behind the biggest mass casualty at a Waffle House since their ill-fated “All you can eat biscuits & gravy” promotion.

Korean Air CEO Cho Yang-ho fired his two daughters, Heather and Emily – both senior executives at the company – for their embarrassing public incidents over the last several years, including yelling at flight attendants and tossing a drink in a man’s face. Yang-ho called it a difficult decision, but one he made after much Seoul searching.

Sears CEO and majority owner Eddie Lampert told investors he may acquire some of Sears’ real estate as well as the Kenmore brand. Lampert then sat and frowned as reporters made fun of his Toughskins jeans.

GQ magazine is under fire for including the Bible on its list of ’21 Classic Books You Don’t Need to Read’. GQ’s writers angered Christians even more, asking if Jesus ever heard of a decent haircut, and wondering why the Lord and Savior wore sandals everywhere during March & April.

Police tasered and arrested American Airlines passenger Jacob Garcia for inappropriately touching a female passenger. Garcia [pictured below] confessed his plan to don a black top hat and cape and tie the woman to an active runway to be run over by an approaching 737.

jacob garcia

 

A Florida man was arrested for hitting his boyfriend in the head with a Big Mouth Billy Bass wall hanging. The man was charged with domestic battery, and Big Mouth Billy Bass cancelled multiple upcoming singing performances while he recovers.

Mattel CEO Margo Georgiadis is leaving the company after just one year. Mattel has lost half its value as sales of Barbie, Hot Wheels and other toys have lagged. Georgiadis will remain in an advisory role until May, when she’ll hop in her pink convertible and return to her Dream House.

 

 

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Britain is considering a ban on plastic straws, cotton swabs and other single-use items to protect the environment. No word if dental floss is under consideration, since most Brits seem to have never heard of it.

Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie angered taxpayers by committing to pay $85,000 in public funds for his official portrait – more than the cost of portraits for the three previous governors combined. The artist defended his fee, saying it’s difficult to find canvas and paint that stretches to keep getting bigger.

Photos inside the cabin of Southwest Airlines flight 1380, which made an emergency landing after an engine exploded, showed many passengers did not properly place oxygen masks over their nose and mouth. This worried federal safety regulators who want to ensure passengers are breathing freely when they think they’re going to die.

Brandy Hall of Ocean Springs, Mississippi took out a Facebook ad to find a gander to mate with her 2-year-old goose, Lucy – who had rejected several prospective mates for looking nothing like their Tinder photos.

April 20th is National School Walkout day to protest gun violence, and also the day several forgetful boys screwed up by staging elaborate high school Promposals during 3rd period when nobody’s in the building.

Alabama executed 83-year-old Walter Moody, the oldest prisoner executed in history. He was declared dead at 8:42pm. Lawyers argued his punishment was cruel and unusual, since he wouldn’t get to finish the episode of Matlock that he’d started watching at 8.

A tweet from toy maker Mattel’s official ‘Barbie’ twitter account revealed that Barbie has a last name – Roberts. Ken also has a last name, but he isn’t tweeting about it because he doesn’t want his wife to piece together what’s going on with Barbie.

The U.S. Senate unanimously passed a rule change allowing newborn babies on the Senate floor, in response to a request from Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth, who just gave birth to a baby girl, Maile. Duckworth brought Maile to a voting session where she met Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and spit up.

YouTube is under fire for placing ads from well-known brands like Amazon, Hershey, Adidas and Hilton on videos promoting racism, pedophilia and North Korean propaganda. Under Armour is pausing all YouTube ads, adding that it is not the ‘Official Footwear and Fitness Apparel Brand of Nazis and Perverts’.

56-year-old grandmother Lois Ann Reiss, accused of two murders, was caught in Texas after a weeks-long manhunt. New information revealed that while on the run, she visited a Louisiana casino and won a jackpot prize. She faces two charges of murder, and one charge of failing to send her grandson a birthday card with money in it.

Netflix released its quarterly earnings, topping analyst estimates. They now have passed 125 million monthly subscribers, and 100 billion annoying program suggestions.