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Gen Z is reportedly embracing physical books & libraries to escape the stresses of the digital world. This is confirmed by a surge in young men & women posting nude selfies to their Tinder profiles while reading books.

Donald Trump confused 7 Eleven and 9/11 during a speech. He then doubled down, saying he’ll never forget or forgive that they don’t have a Diet Coke Slurpee.

Jen Pawol could become the first woman to umpire 2024 regular season games for Major League Baseball. She’ll work Spring Training games, where she’ll become the first umpire to argue with players and managers by not speaking to them.

A passenger on a Lufthansa flight died after other passengers reported ‘liters of blood’ “gushing” from his nose & mouth. His family is demanding answers and a refund of the $20 in-flight snack box he ate before the incident.

The Church of Scientology and supporters of Jesus both aired Super Bowl ads, in hopes of attracting worshippers who no longer believe in Bud Light.

A new book claims James Gandolfini was unreliable while shooting the final two seasons of ‘The Sopranos’ due to “excesses of consumption”. Gandolfini acknowledged his unprofessional behavior, but never sought treatment for gabbagool dependency.

Shoshanna Lefler, 37 – a teacher at Manhattan’s prestigious High School for Health Careers & Sciences – resigned after video captured her going into a locked bathroom with a 17-year-old male student then handing him a wad of cash. No one believed her when she said the money was for the Scholastic Book Fair.

ABC announced The Golden Bachelorette series, but haven’t cast the 60-plus woman to take the role. Meanwhile ABC talent scouts are busy auditioning single senior men, each of whom is required to submit a video and proof of shingles vaccination.

In Hong Kong, a dragon made of 39,000 balloons to commemorate the Lunar New Year was certified for a Guinness World Record, before it was shot down in a U.S. drone strike.

A massive fire broke out at a new waterpark in Sweden before it opened to the public. First responders eventually contained the blaze, and treated themselves for minor burns in the wave pool.

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New research finds people who get up early may have inherited genetic variants from Neanderthal ancestors. Now if they could just stop dragging their spouse by the hair and hunting the family cat.

Poison control centers are getting a large volume of calls from people reacting adversely to weight-loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. This, according to parents waiting on hold for a half-hour after their kid ate the Tide Pods again.

Netflix issued its first-ever public data, ranking viewing of 18,000 different titles by number of hours watched. Comedian Rob Schneider is still searching for his standup special, and is up to 17,900-something.

Tesla issued a software update to 2 million vehicles with a fix to its autopilot function. Over half the cars refused it, telling their owners they drive just fine.

Sears reopened two retail stores in California and Washington – delighting locals who’ve waited several years to return Toughskins jeans that didn’t fit.

The Federal Communications Commission proposed a ban on early-termination and other ‘junk fees’ by cable video & internet providers. Cable companies warn this could punish consumers with higher prices, but also admit they’d be happy to have a new reason to charge higher prices.

Kid Rock said he’s done boycotting Bud Light, and that he has the vomit to prove it.

Popular Science shut down its online magazine, because it kinda wasn’t anymore.

Boston City Council held an ‘Electeds Of Color – No Whites’ holiday party. Then they got into a big argument about whether or not Santa could attend.

A former chef is accused of creating and selling over 1,200 “suicide kits” worldwide that led to dozens of deaths. He faces murder charges. However his cookbook is still a pretty hot seller.

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On ABC’s The Golden Bachelor, Gerry Turner selected his final three 60+ bachelorettes. Eliminated women didn’t get roses, but each received a Gerry Turner souvenir autographed pickleball paddle.

An Italian mom won a lawsuit to kick her 40-year-old sons out of her house. She then visited them, saw them eating canned ravioli, and suffered a heart attack.

Social media star Amouramth announced a marketing partnership with a company to brew beer made with her vaginal yeast. A different brewer is partnering with Monistat to make a beer that cures infections from Amouranth beer.

A Delta Airlines co-pilot pulled a gun on the pilot and threatened to shoot him if he diverted the flight for an on-board medical emergency. The co-pilot was counting on getting layover’d at the flight’s original destination.

Sales of Bud Light and candy corn are each down by double-digit percentages in 2023. In other aiccng $9 billion to dollars to upgrade facilities in over 1400 stores, and will also invest $900 for pay raises to the workers in them.

Former Good Morning America co-hosts and romantic partners Amy Robach & TJ Holmes are launching a podcast. According to a press release, they’ll be discussing pop culture, current events, & more! .. but “more” probably won’t include banging your married co-worker and acting surprised when you both get fired.

Two separate wind farm projects off the New Jersey coast were cancelled by developers — leaving area mobsters scrambling to find other projects where someone is pouring concrete in the middle of the ocean.

A man stole an ambulance from Temple University Hospital in Philadelphia, then was found an hour later sleeping in the back of it. He escaped, and now Philly cops are on the lookout for a man sleeping in the back of a stolen police car.

A mom won a $3,500 small claims court judgment against American Airlines for a flight attendant harassing her over the placement of 18-month-old twins traveling with her. The judge was convinced that the twins were better off in seats versus the space beneath them.

A female doctor posted a TikTok video claiming men giving oral sex to women is worse than smoking when it comes to throat cancer – especially if they’re up to a pack of women a day.

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A hospital director in Doylestown, Pennsylvania was charged with stealing $600,000 from a charity account. She drew suspicion when Make-A-Wish families would make their wish, then she’d tell them to make a cheaper one.

A man jumped in to the World Showcase Lagoon at EPCOT Center in order to win a $6,000 bet from his buddies. He was escorted out by security, and is still $2,000 short of paying for his kids Breakfast With Mickey and souvenirs.

In a social media post, Donald Trump compared himself to Nelson Mandela. Presumably because Mandela sought to end apartheid, and Trump & his father applied its principles to real estate rentals.

Seth Rogen’s wife Lauren Miller Rogen revealed she’d undergone surgery to treat a brain aneurysm. That’s the bad news; the good news is the surgery was successful, and she didn’t have to go further than Seth’s nightstand to find recuperative weed.

An 82-year-old Korean man suffered a heart attack after choking on san-nakji, raw octopus served while still alive. They won’t say if he lived, just that seven EMTs each grabbed one leg before pulling the other one out of his mouth.

Houston airport grounded all flights after a private jet departed “without permission” and collided with another jet. Houston is reconsidering the use of four-way Stop signs to guide traffic at runway intersections.

Bud Light is now the Official Beer Of UFC. All weight class champions must now choose to defend their title against the top-ranked contender, or a transgender influencer.

Richard Roundtree, star of ‘Shaft’, passed away at 81. He was remembered as a baaaad motherf-, before the pastor was told to shut his mouth, then said he was only eulogizing Shaft.

Britney Spears ‘The Woman In Me’ is already the biggest-selling celebrity memoir of all time, with 9 million copies ordered. It’s 288 pages long, and the word ‘Like’ starts 1,443 of its sentences.

A woman in England claims she found a cigarette butt in her child’s Happy Meal. A McDonald’s spokesperson apologized and offered free food, and the unsmoked loose cigarette that should have been in a British Happy Meal.

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Following a two-week manhunt, Pennsylvania State Police captured escaped convict Michael Burham, who was spotted after a dog barked at him in the woods. The dog would have stayed quiet, but Burham was out of Pupperoni.

ABC announced 71-year-old widowed senior Gerry Turner as the first ‘Golden Bachelor’. They expect to announce a 35-year-old woman as their first ‘Golden Bachelorette’.

Ford cut the price of their all-electric F-150 Lightning pickup trucks by as much as $10,000, due to slow demand in the Deep South, where customers don’t know why their pickup should have electricity if their house doesn’t.

Disney CEO Bob Iger said he’s considering selling money-losing streaming services. But he’s concerned the buyer will change their mind and cancel after two months.

Police arrested architect Rex Heuermann as the suspected Gilgo Beach serial killer. He’s charged with three murders, although investigators expect to find other load-bearing bodies supporting those.

Country star Jason Aldean ended a Connecticut concert early due to what he called dehydration and heat exhaustion. Roadies attempted to rehydrate him with an intravenous drip of Bud Light but his body rejected it.

A sex therapist tells CNN they see many male patients who said they married a woman without considering them sexually attractive. The therapist said the men should work on communicating their desires, and, as a backup, finding $300.

An experimental drug was found to slow the progression of Alzheimer’s by 35%. The drug is cyanide, and they think they got the percentages wrong.

A Canadian man driving a petroleum truck was fired for pulling a baby moose in to the passenger seat to save the animal from an impending bear attack. Before he was fired, he cancelled a date with a woman he’d scheduled at the next truck stop.

A teen girl from Switzerland defaced the exterior of the famed Colosseum in Rome by carving in to it with a piece of metal. She was questioned by police, who wanted to know exactly what she meant by “for a good time”.

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Actress Marcia Gay Harden says all three of her adult children identify as queer. She, herself, is now known as Marcia Queer Harden.

The 19-year-old who crashed a U-Haul truck in to the White House fence carried a Nazi flag. What makes it even more puzzling is he was able to rent the Nazi flag from U-Haul for $2.99/day.

Target is moving some Pride Month items from the front to the back of Southern U.S. stores following customer complaints. Walmart is moving Bud Light displays from the grocery section in Southern stores to the sidewalk out front next to a sign reading “FREE”.

A man with an AK-47 assault rifle in his vehicle was arrested at a Virginia preschool after saying he was headed to the CIA. Preschool teachers called the man’s Career Day presentation “troubling”.

Following a complaint from a Florida parent, Amanda Gorman’s poem ‘The Hill We Climb’ – read at President Biden’s inauguration – was moved from the elementary section of a school library to the middle school section. Another poem, ‘I Once Knew A Man From Nantucket’, author unknown. was moved to the high school section.

A woman claims she was vomited on and refused help cleaning up by security at a Taylor Swift concert. After hearing about the incident, Swift reached out and offered the woman free tickets to a future Insane Clown Posse show.

A ProPublica investigation reveals the latest college admissions scam – research papers written by students and published in so-called scholarly journals. Among them ‘Correlation Between Boob Size and Promposals‘ by a student who ended up getting a football scholarship, anyway.

A U.K. groom briefly addressed his wedding reception as envelopes were distributed containing pictures of the bride and best man having sex. After he left, teen boys in attendance called it the best party ever, and that was before they got to have cake.

A 17-year-old Columbus, Mississippi girl was arrested and charged for having sex with underage boys at a Mother’s Day party. She was released on bond and is now the Number One requested babysitter by underage boys.

A Florida man had his arm ripped off by an alligator while drinking behind Bandito’s Bar in Port Charlotte. The victim was grateful for being dragged to safety by another patron, and doubly grateful the gator tore off the arm that wasn’t holding his drink.

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Apple virtual reality headset, the Reality Pro, will reportedly cost $3,000 and run thousands of existing iPad apps, until you bump your head and the screen cracks.

Jeff Shell, CEO of Comcast’s NBC Universal division, was terminated after having an inappropriate relationship with a female employee. Like many NBC shows, Shell was cancelled.

The estate of Marvin Gaye is suing Ed Sheeran, saying one of his songs bears striking similarity to Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On’. Jurors will listen to Sheeran’s song until they beg ‘Let’s Shut It Off’.

McDonald’s is adding white onions to their signature burger patties while they’re on the grill instead of afterward. They’re receiving hundreds of complaints from customers who don’t want onions, but still want high levels of sodium, fat & calories.

Fans of Dancing With The Stars mourned the loss of former judge Len Goodman, who passed away at age 78. Funeral arrangements will be announced just as soon as pallbearers learn a proper Foxtrot.

Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is selling “Real Woman” beer can ‘koozies’, apparently in response to the Bud Light trans controversy. Huckabee Sanders wants to appear on the outside of beer cans, since her picture is already on cans of Alpo.

Bed Bath & Beyond filed for bankruptcy, as creditors refused to honor coupons for 20% off their debt.

Only 1 in 3 fourth graders in the U.S. was at or above reading proficiency according to the Department of Education. 2 out of 3, however, were absolutely killing it at Fortnite.

Caitlyn Jenner said trans influencer-slash-Bud Light promo partner Dylan Mulvaney is “fringe” and “not good” for the LGBT movement. Jenner said she has “nothing in common” with Mulvaney, although even casual observers assume there’s at least one thing they both have.

Prince Harry will attend King Charles’ coronation, but will be placed ten rows back from other members of the Royal Family. Harry is reportedly furious at both the seat location, and the $80 in fees on top of the price of the seat at Ticketmaster.

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A child in New Jersey found heroin in his trick-or-treat bag after a party. Police estimated the street value of the heroin to be a dozen fun-size Snickers bars.

  • As for the child, he regrets confusing treat-givers by dressing as Kurt Cobain for Halloween.

Lebron James was forced to evacuate his Los Angeles area home due to wildfires. He then asked the fire chief to think about trading for better firefighters.

Philadelphia International Airport is hosting displays of zoo animals – ones from the Philadelphia Zoo, not the ones flying to Eagles road games.

An Indiana man has become a viral sensation for videos where he poses as ‘Halloween’ murderer Michael Myers. He’s the scariest white-faced Hoosier ghoul since Mike Pence was Governor.

iPhone and iPad users will be allowed to opt out from having humans listen to their questions to Siri. The human listeners hope more people opt out, too, so they don’t have to hear creeps ask about Siri’s underwear.

Amazon made home grocery delivery free for Prime members. So far there have been multiple reports of porch pirates stealing deliveries but leaving the broccoli.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli are reportedly “at the breaking point” and may plead guilty in the college admission scandal. They reconsidered when prosecutors added a third felony charge, causing the live studio audience to go “Oooooooh!!”

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson dressed as Jay-Z for Halloween, and was immediately criticized for dressing in black-er-face.

Country singer & actor Tim McGraw said he lost 40 pounds when his then-11-year-old daughter said he looked “big” watching him in the film ‘Four Christmases’. McGraw thanked his daughter for being one of the few people who could sit through ‘Four Christmases’.

Bud Light honored viral ‘hero’ Jeff Adams, who took a home run ball to the chest at the World Series instead of dropping two Bud Lights. The brewer sent him to Game 6 and said he’ll receive Bud Lights “for life” – assuming he only drinks Bud Light, it’ll just be a couple more years.

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Attorney Michael Avenatti is charged with defrauding client Stormy Daniels. Daniels is alleged to have lost her shirt. And underwear.

President Trump cut short a meeting with Congressional Democrats regarding infrastructure spending, saying he can’t work with them unless they stop their legal investigations. Both sides look forward to the much-needed 18-month-or-more break from seeing each other.

A violent tornado tore through Missouri, injuring at least 20 people. If any injuries resulted in the end of a pregnancy, lawmakers will have the tornado arrested as part of the state’s tough new anti-abortion legislation.

A 102-year-old woman is accused of murdering her 92-year-old neighbor in a French nursing home by strangulation and blows to the head. Investigators call the crime especially heinous since it took her 9 hours to finish. [story h/t to DG]

The NFL announced it’s reducing the number of commercial breaks in the Super Bowl from five per quarter to four, making it 20% more expensive for Bud Light to tell everyone about whatever new crap they’re pushing next February.

Bernie Sanders told McDonald’s workers protesting low pay and sexual harassment that if they vote for him, they’ll get a $15/hour minimum wage and the right to unionize. He also told them he’d like a couple more honey mustard sauce packets for his McNuggets.

Viral video shows a robot dog – HyQMini, built by the Italian Institute of Technology – pulling a 3-ton passenger jet in an amazing feat of technological strength. Researchers then checked the robot dog on to a United Airlines flight, where it promptly died.

Google is updating Google Assistant with more public transit information. Google Assistant can now tell you when your next New York City Subway train is arriving, and panhandlers can now harass you via Google Instant Messenger until you get of rid of them via Google Pay.

A huge amount of water ice has been spotted on Mars, the first sign that the red planet was once inhabited by ancient Philadelphia dirtbags.

Maelyn Jarmon was crowned champion of The Voice, joining others who have won it and gone on to become household names, like…

 

 

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A Delaware school district is banning fast food deliveries to high schools from services like GrubHub. They say the deliveries are disruptive, and that too many of the students ordering the food recognize recent honors graduates delivering it.

An avid skydiver died in suburban Philadelphia when his main parachute malfunctioned, and his emergency chute deployed too late. A makeshift memorial popped up where he landed, with mourners placing flowers and stuffed animals in the crater.

President Trump reportedly demanded the resignation of the longtime Director of the Secret Service. The Director insisted that Secret Service is a security detail, not secret service of McDonald’s late-night menu.

Upgrades to Boeing’s 737 MAX jets are taking longer than expected. New software is expected to be deployed to all aircraft, but needs to be tweaked to stop asking pilots midflight “Are you ready to upgrade now?”

‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack plead guilty to extortion and forced labor related to the Nxivm sex trafficking case. Mack faces up to 40 years in jail at sentencing, and agreed to be barred from prison visits by Lex Luthor.

Physicists discovered a new phase of matter that can be both solid and liquid at the same time. The discovery was made when one of the physicists became ill eating the macaroni and cheese at Old Country Buffet.

Scarlett Johansson was taken to a Los Angeles police station after being overpowered by paparazzi outside of the ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ studios. The incident fueled existing fanboy theories that Black Widow is like, totally, the weakest of the Avengers.

A Philadelphia Phillies fan is now chugging a beer out of his boot every time Phillie Rhys Hoskins hits a home run. Hoskins hit two home runs Monday night, so the habit is expensive, and more difficult now that the Bud Light has eaten through the boot leather.

Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel announced that he wants to go by John. Manziel hopes to move away from the Johnny Football moniker to his new identity, John Barista.

New York City declared a health emergency over a measles outbreak in an Orthodox Jewish section of Brooklyn. 285 cases of measles have been documented, with many families unvaccinated because “what am I? on vacation here? I’m busy!”