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A 29-year-old Florida woman was arrested after smearing her dog’s poop on the face of her 76-year-old neighbor following an argument. The dog confirmed it was his poop after sniffing the neighbor’s face.

Disgruntled Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden said he’s lost trust in General Manager Daryl Morey, comparing his situation to a bad marriage. Harden may be the only man in America seeking a different marriage while his current one pays him $33 million a year.

Madonna kicks off her ‘Celebration’ tour in London. She said the show features over 40 songs, although fans hope she means 40 different songs, and not songs she recorded since she turned 40.

Non-alcoholic beer sales are up 33 percent. Industry experts cite improved taste & quality, and Coors Light admitting it’s just tinted river water.

Philadelphia police are investigating a road rage shooting in a McDonald’s drive-thru. The victim was listed in stable condition after taking a bullet from a big MAC-10.

The 2028 Los Angeles Summer Olympics will add flag football. It will be the first Olympics with a concussion tent.

San Francisco 49ers running back Christian McCaffrey tied OJ Simpson’s record with a touchdown in his 15th straight game. “You’re killing it!” said his teammates.

The world’s first solar-powered off-road SUV just completed a trek across Morocco powered only by the sun. They now plan an even more challenging trek across the New Jersey Turnpike in the rain.

M&Ms claims their ‘Halloween Rescue Squad’ will deliver candy to your house on Halloween within an hour if you run out. Just tell them which front door covered in raw eggs and shaving cream is yours.

A man fired his family therapist after the doctor asked for tips following sessions with the man and his teen son. The therapist did give the man a tip, telling him his kid is bipolar.

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Former Pakistan Prime Minister Imran Khan was shot in the foot in a reported assassination attempt. Police describe the alleged assailant as ‘short’.

Netflix launched a ‘Basic with Ads’ plan, with commercials inserted into content, starting with Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story presented by Manwich.

German pro surfer Sebastian Steudtner set the world record for riding a 115-foot wave in Nazare, Portugal. Officials are still waiting to verify a record from August where an underaged drinker rode a 120-foot wave of empty Coors Light cans at the Jersey Shore.

Twitter users are reporting a recent surge in hate speech and the use of racial slurs. They attribute it to Elon Musk’s new ownership, and their own decision to follow Kanye West.

Viral video shows Houston philanthropist “Mattress Mack” getting in a fight with a Philadelphia Phillies fan at Game 3 of the World Series in Philadelphia. No word if he came back for Game 4, which would mark the Re-turn of the Mack…Re-turn of the Mack….

According to archaeologists, the burial site for a child in Finland who died 8,000 years ago during the Stone Age revealed “surprises” – specifically, a New Kids On The Block poster.

Charges are pending for a student in Berks County, Pennsylvania who took a selfie holding a handgun in a high school bathroom. The student claims the weapon was an innovative way to deal with constipation from cafeteria food.

McDonald’s is reporting increased business from low-income customers due to rising inflation, despite a 10% year-over-year increase in prices. In turn, low-income customers report a 20% year-over-year increase in bad cholesterol.

Kendall Jenner turned 27, as she celebrated with her family, and the mathematician she hired to help her past 10 while counting candles on the cake.

NFL legend Ray Guy – the first punter enshrined in the Hall of Fame – passed away at age 73. No word on funeral arrangements were announced, but it’s presumed he’ll be downed in the Coffin Corner of his hometown cemetery.

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Firefighters are battling the huge Wharton State Forest wildfire in New Jersey. They’re trying to stop it before it gets to Jersey Shore towns and turns into a grease fire.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee is only playing several songs each night on their current tour due to suffering broken ribs. Lee broke ribs bending over to tie his shoes while sporting an erection.

Texas Republicans adopted language in their official party platform calling homosexuality an “abnormal lifestyle choice”. Texas Democrats are expected to adopt similar ‘abnormal lifestyle choice’ language in their platform regarding anyone who likes, or votes for, Ted Cruz.

Workers at Philadelphia beer distributors went on strike. The interruption in shipments of cheap beers from Bud, Miller & Coors are expected to mess up party plans for area students graduating from kindergarten.

Freshpet recalled dog food over a possible salmonella risk. Dogs who already ate it recalled the food from their stomachs to the family room carpet.

A 660-pound stingray in Camobodia, broke the world record for largest freshwater fish ever caught. It was measured and released..then caught again and eaten.

Oreo is introducing Neapolitan Oreos – challenging kids to figure out how to eat the chocolate filling while leaving the vanilla & strawberry behind.

Elon Musk’s 18-year-old child told a court she no longer wants to be related to him, but is in no rush to be emancipated from his bank accounts.

The UK’s biggest railroad strike in 30 years has brought the territory to a standstill. It’s so bad, Thomas The Tank Engine told children to piss off and find someone else to entertain them.

Fans mocked Justin Timberlake for his ‘dad’ clothes and weak dance moves during an unannounced appearance at a Washington DC music festival. Timberlake attempted a popular area dance, ‘Beat Ya Feet’, but settled for the Macarena.

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Chicago & Philadelphia are Numbers 1 & 2 on pest control company Orkin’s ‘Worst Bed Bug Cities’ list. Orkin workers say bed bug treatments are worst in those cities because the bed bugs are armed.

DoorDash will deliver Girl Scout Cookies. But go get your own goddamn pizza and Chinese food, say Girl Scouts.

Donald Trump abruptly ended an interview with NPR after being confronted about his lies regarding election fraud. The interviewer accepted some of the blame, saying he shouldn’t have booked the talk so close to the start of ‘Justice with Judge Jeanine’.

Friends say Pete Davidson is “bringing out the best” in Kim Kardashian. She’s also “hiding the worst” since her four kids aren’t around when they get together.

Several East Coast cities in the grip of a cold snap cancelled outdoor COVID testing events, for fear that those waiting in line could suffer from exposure, and because the swabs kept getting stuck in people’s noses.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson apologized for attending a “bring your own booze” party during the COVID lockdown. He also apologized for showing up to the party with Coors Light.

North Korea is in the midst of a fertilizer shortage, and is pleading with citizens to make more manure. In other news, North Korea is opening its first Taco Bell.

A man entered the cockpit of an American Airlines jet pre-flight and damaged instruments before being arrested. He now holds the distinguished title of being the first person duct-taped into the Captain’s Chair.

Bank of America is reducing its overdraft fees, and eliminating insufficient funds penalties for bounced checks. However, the fee for Bank of America customers using an out-of-network ATM increases to $500 per transaction.

The U.S. Mint announced the first-ever American Women Quarters Program, where images of women appear on 25-cent pieces. When you turn the quarter upside-down, their clothes come off.

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Obesity has been linked to infertility in women – leading guys who dislike condoms to reconsider their attitudes regarding “bigger chicks”.

Simon Gallup, longtime bassist for goth rockers The Cure, announced he’s leaving the band because he’s “fed up with betrayal”. And, fed up with having to have black hair.

The U.S. first daytime drive-in movie theater opened in Tennessee, featuring a gigantic LED screen. Sadly, a dozen kids died in hot cars watching a matinee.

Officials seized thousands of counterfeit golf clubs made in China. “Well that explains it” said terrible golfers who still suck after buying new clubs.

Joe Biden stands by his decision to pull out of Afghanistan, while Donald Trump stands by his decision to stay in Stormy Daniels.

A new study claims plant-based diets are the best way to avoid heart disease. “What’s the second-best way?” asked Americans.

Texas became the first state to make buying sex a felony. Owners are busy changing the sign to ‘The Best Little Accupressure Therapy House In Texas’.

The first ever Colorado River water shortage was declared. Production of Coors Light beer remains unimpacted, thanks to their strategic reserves of animal piss.

Britney Spears posted a gallery of topless photos on Instagram. “Damn” said Kevin Federline during his break at Big Lots.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars cut Tim Tebow, who attempted to reboot his career by moving from quarterback to tight end – this, before the Jaguars made him a loose end.

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Egyptian researchers unearthed what’s believed to be the world’s oldest mass-production brewery. Then they discovered it made Coors Light, so they buried it again.

The Los Angeles School District eliminated 133 positions for police officers in city schools. So the Bloods & Crips took over the Drama Club and will use real weapons in the Spring musical production of West Side Story.

Much of Texas remains without power following severe winter weather. It’s so cold, Mexicans are building a wall to keep Texans from sneaking in and stealing the heat.

Republicans in Congress are blaming the ‘Green New Deal’ for Texans freezing, despite no such program ever being enacted – unless you count the Texas GOP letting residents freeze to death, which is the Gangrene New Deal.

Amidst fierce competition from McDonald’s, Popeyes and others, Burger King is updating its chicken sandwich to the one you get at McDonald’s or Popeyes.

Britney Spears shared an image of a Scrabble board, asking fans to “decipher this code”, adding “I think this Ouija board is broken”.

Court documents reveal Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene filed for divorce while having an affair with a tantric sex guru, but called it off because she didn’t want to remarry and change her name to Mrs. Marjorie Taylor Tantric Warrior.

Apple is updating emojis with its latest OS release, including the addition of a helmet to the rock-climber emoji, and a life-support system to the fallen rock climber emoji.

The European Space Agency seeks astronaut candidates with physical challenges or disabilities. The Russian Space Agency has already filled their opening with a three-legged dog.

Bam Margera was removed from the cast of ‘Jackass 4’, because he couldn’t control his addiction issues long enough to be reliably shot in the scrotum with a tennis ball cannon.

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Disney will donate $1 million from the sale of character-themed facemasks during the pandemic, and will keep the other $100 million.

North American bee populations are threatened by Asian Giant ‘Murder’ Hornets that invade hives and decapitate bees – not to be confused with hornets that decapitate bees by accident, known as Manslaughter Hornets.

United, JetBlue & Delta will require all passengers to wear masks, but will remove people who try prying theirs out of the compartment over their seat.

Former LPGA golfer Paige Spiranac says her 34DD breasts are real, and that they help her golf game by keeping her arms in touch with her body during her swing. Male golfers seeking to improve their game are inquiring about implants.

‘Clueless’ actress Stacey Dash, who recently announced she’ll divorce her fourth husband, is selling videos for $50 on Cameo. For $60, you can get engaged to her.

Mark Cuban said if he had to start a ‘side hustle’ to make extra money, he’d code commands for digital assistants like Alexa, Siri & Google. Then he remembered he has several billion reasons not to.

Experts say the checkout area is the most dangerous place in grocery stores during the coronavirus pandemic – ending the 70-year reign at the top for the public restrooms.

Tiger Woods said running over 30 miles a week when he was younger “pretty much destroyed” his body. Porn stars and bar hostesses say their younger bodies were pretty much destroyed by Tiger Woods.

Pennsylvania is no longer the top-producing state for craft beer, ceding the honor to California. However, thanks to Coors Light, Colorado remains the top-producing state for crap beer.

A mom shares video where she tells her kids she’s buying them drinks at a Starbucks drive-thru, but orders them water and mixes it with Kool-Aid. It worked once, but the kids knew they were being tricked when their names weren’t misspelled on the cup.

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Cheesecake Factory furloughed 41,000 employees. Each received a pager which will buzz when it’s their turn to come back to work. [Reader Submitted Joke! Thanks to…”T”!]

Doctors claim a loss of taste and smell is an early warning of coronavirus infection. This has been true in China and the U.S., but is unproven in the U.K. because so many people there just don’t want to smell or taste the food anyway.

Archaeologists in Leeds, England found more than 600 bottles of toxic beer under the stairs in a brewery dating back to the 19th century. The bottles contain lethal amounts of lead, and are labeled Coors Light.

Nintendo is planning to commemorate the Super Mario series 35th anniversary with new games. In related news, Mario and Peach announced they’re separating just shy of their 35th Anniversary.

MIT will post plans online for an emergency ventilator that can be built for $100. It’ll have people everywhere asking “what the f*** did you do with the vacuum cleaner?”

U.S. airlines are offering 5-and-6-hour flights between the east and west coasts for as low as $14. There are no seat assignments, because you’ll be up the whole time cleaning the jet.

Google search results now display 3D images of creatures you can view up-close on your Android phone. So far, the most popular ones are tigers, pandas, and porn stars.

American Airlines pilot Pati Marsh – a woman with 39 years and over 30,000 flight hours of experience – reached age 65 and had to retire, per FAA regulations. Her former co-pilots are happy to now be able to lower the cockpit temperature below 80 degrees.

Gerrity’s Supermarket in Hanover Township, Pennsylvania was forced to discard $35,000 in produce after Margaret Cirko, 35, deliberately coughed and spat on all of it. She was removed by police and arrested – then did the same thing at Whole Foods, ruining $250,000 worth of produce.

Six CBS News reporters tested positive for coronavirus, as CBS News rushed to air a tv ad saying “CBS News – FIRST to have reporters WITH COVID-19”.

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Seattle Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki retired following the team’s game in his home country of Japan. Suzuki is professional baseball’s all-time base hit leader among players who have never had sex with a 15-year-old girl.

  • Baseball historians remain surprised that, between Suzuki and Pete Rose, the Japanese guy had the less-ridiculous haircut.

Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton sets personal challenges each month. For February, the second month of the year, he ate vegan. For March, the third month, he’s celibate. So starting April, he’ll be fourth and long.

Country singer Justin Carter died after accidentally shooting himself in the head with a prop handgun on the set of a music video, prompting 10 other artists to write country songs about it.

Jimmy Carter turned 94 years, 171 days old today, surpassing George W. Bush’s record as Oldest Former Living President.  Donald Trump eagerly awaits his passing so he can tweet a bunch of mean sh*t about him.

Papa John’s hired Shaquille O’Neal to be its celebrity spokesperson, and also gave him a seat on its Board Of Directors. Papa John’s believes there is tremendous synergy, since most of their broke drivers totaling cars delivering pizzas are insured by The General.

Tesla is accusing a former employee of stealing trade secrets for self-driving cars and giving them to a Chinese rival. The employee claims he did so for the greater good, thinking China would be better off with cars driving themselves versus Chinese people doing so.

MillerCoors is suing the maker of Bud Light over what they claim are deceiving ads stating that Miller Lite and Coors Light contain corn syrup. Bud Light’s defense is that the ads aren’t all that effective, since domestic light beer drinkers really don’t care what’s in it to begin with.

Elementary school teachers in Indiana are asking for changes to sheriff’s department active shooter drills, saying they suffered welts & small cuts from fake bullets fired with Airsoft guns. For their part, the 2nd & 3rd graders had fun shooting their teachers.

Law enforcement officials made the largest cocaine bust ever at the Port of Philadelphia, seizing 992 pounds with a street value of $18 million — or, $36 million if it was sold in bags with a Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl logo on them.

Philadelphia may get the nation’s first medically-supervised injection facility for opioid addicts.  In order to manage traffic, users will be able to make reservations at OpenNeedle.com .

 

 

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Richard Thaler, professor at the University of Chicago, won the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for research into why people don’t make rational economic decisions. Thaler thanked the Nobel committee and his research subjects – broke losers who buy UFC & WWE pay-per-view.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife briefly attended the Indianapolis Colts/San Francisco 49ers NFL game on Sunday, but then left after the national anthem because of player protests. Pence sent tweets explaining his actions, and ushers spent the rest of the game kicking drunk Hoosiers out of his seats.

  • It’s estimated that Pence’s trip cost U.S. taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in travel, security and $12 stadium Coors Lights.

Sofia Vergara documented her mammogram on Instagram; the Facebook Live event drew millions but was cancelled when technicians couldn’t find a mammography machine big enough.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un promoted his 28 year-old younger sister Kim Yo Yong to the country’s highest decision-making body, the Political Bureau. She said she hopes to adopt a Lean In policy — referring to ideas from her older sister, Lean In Yong.

  • Kim Jong Un said he got the idea for appointing his sister from Donald Trump’s appointment of Ivanka, while conceding the difference that Kim Yo is his sister, and Ivanka is Donald’s girl crush.

GOP Senator Bob Corker and President Trump traded jabs on Twitter, with Trump calling Corker a ‘negative voice’ in the Senate, and Corker calling the White House an ‘adult day care’.  The President was unavailable for comment during his nap after screening the My Little Pony Movie.

Actor James Woods denied that he’s retiring from acting, a statement confirmed by several 16 year-old girls he invited to audition with him in a new movie produced by Harvey Weinstein.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that Dallas Cowboys players who ‘disrespect’ the flag during the national anthem will be benched — presumably, for kickoffs and extra points.

U.S. soccer star Alex Morgan apologized for her drunken incident at Disney World’s Epcot Center, where she and friends were escorted out of the park after a fight at the pavilion’s British pub. No municipal charges were filed, but Disney World lawmakers say that Morgan has been sentenced to three penalty kicks from Minnie Mouse.

A new story reveals that Angelina Jolie once offered to help capture fugitive Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony by joining him at dinner. The plan failed when Kony decided he’d rather eat somewhere else than Red Lobster.

Elon Musk announced that, due to delays in production in Tesla’s passenger vehicle line, he’s delayed production of Tesla’s planned semi truck. As a result, production has been halted on Burt Reynolds comeback movie, Smokey and the Electric Convoy.