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United Airlines is rushing shipments of Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. The vaccine has now spent four days waiting for Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to move it.

The Pope appointed Archbishop Wilton Gregory the first African American Cardinal in the Catholic church. Gregory has spent more time in rooms full of sweaty, naked men than black Cardinal Ozzie Smith.

Vanderbilt University’ placekicker Sarah Fuller became the first woman to play in a Southeast Conference men’s football game. She would have tried a field goal in addition to kickoffs, but after two timeouts, Fuller was still “almost ready”.

Trixie, the largest whale shark at the Georgia Aquarium, died. The smaller whale sharks are expected to mourn, then eat her.

Website Mashed.com asked readers to name their favorite chain restaurant hamburger, and the winner was Five Guys, followed by In-N-Out. Checkers received a few votes from people who weighed in after being stabbed in the parking lot.

President-elect Joe Biden hurt his foot playing with his dog, and will need to wear a boot on his injured foot, in addition to the boot on his good foot to kick Trump out of the White House.

A report claims Iran’s top nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh was assassinated with a remote-control machine gun – the same one that’s sold out everywhere after being listed in the 2020 Al Qaeda Holiday Gift Guide.

David Prowse, who portrayed Darth Vader in three Star Wars films, died. Following the deaths of actors portraying Princess Leia, R2D2 & Chewbacca, he’s the fourth Death Star.

Joe Biden named an all-woman White House Communications Team. They’ve gotten together once and already aren’t speaking to each other.

The Denver Broncos lost 31-3 to the New Orleans Saints, in a game the Broncos played without any quarterbacks on the roster due to COVID-19. The New York Jets lost to Miami, dropping to 0-10 in a game where they were without any quarterbacks for the third month in a row.

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Donald Trump’s job approval ratings fell in the first poll taken since the election, from 46 percent to 43 percent. The other 57 percent split between “disapproval” and “thinking he’d already quit”.

Utah dropped restrictions on group gatherings before Thanksgiving – now Mormon men can celebrate with all 12 of their wives.

A new study finds Missouri is the deadliest state for both COVID-19 infection and gun violence. Missouri’s governor announced a new plan to curb the spread of COVID-19 by testing more people, and shooting the ones who test positive.

China launched a space mission to the moon on Monday. Stargazers can follow the rocket all night as it travels through space with its turn signal on.

Qantas Airlines said they’ll require a COVID-19 vaccine for passengers on international flights. Spirit Airlines said they won’t follow suit for domestic flights, but still recommend a tetanus shot since there’s no telling what passengers will sit on.

NBC News reported that Donald Trump fears his Rudy Giuliani-led legal team is comprised of “fools who are making him look bad”. Trump was applauded on Capitol Hill for finally being right about something.

General Services Administration head Emily Murphy officially began the transition process to a Joe Biden presidency, after learning Biden plans to give all outgoing workers a free Honeybaked Ham.

Melania Trump greeted the delivery of the official White House Christmas Tree. Then sped away in the flatbed truck as the workers unloaded it.

CEO Ed Stack will retire after 36 years at Dick’s Sporting Goods. President Lauren Hobart will take over, becoming the first woman ever in charge of growing Dick’s.

Pornhub is selling discounted Premium Lifetime subscriptions at just $200 for Black Friday, although they also have offers for Teen Friday, Asian Friday, MILF Friday, Gay Friday & others.

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Donald Trump invited two Michigan Republican state legislators to the White House, presumably to try and overturn the state’s election results. They’ll dine on Big Macs while Trump serves them that Whopper.

Joe Biden was once again declared the winner of Georgia after the state hand-counted all of its ballots, and even some extra ones they were sent from New York.

A Long Island couple was identified after their 300-person October wedding turned into a COVID-19 superspreader event. 34 people were infected, and the rest were still pissed off about the cash bar.

The Centers for Disease Control recommended Americans not travel at all for Thanksgiving to limit exposure to COVID-19, and to their in-law’s disgusting side dishes.

Kyle Rittenhouse – the teenager accused of killing two people during demonstrations in Wisconsin – allegedly bought the AR-15 murder weapon with his $1,200 government stimulus check. He asked for more ammo in his letter to Santa.

Walmart released its Black Friday deals online – resulting in trampling injuries to multiple toothless hicks trying to be first to use the computer.

Priti Patel, an adviser to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has been accused of bullying her staff following a government inquiry. It’s so bad, they call her Ugli Patel.

Mossimo Giannulli reported for his five-month sentence in the college admissions scandal. He shaved his head before entering, presumably to get the first-ever Aunt Becky prison scalp tattoo.

Geraldo Rivera told Fox News he thinks the COVID-19 vaccine should be named after Trump. Asked which one, he said whichever one is injected against a person’s will.

BuzzFeed acquired HuffPost – leaving experts worried about more consolidation of sources of serious journalism.

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Police charged a Florida lawyer for a series of bank robberies. They caught him after he sent each bank a bill for $150 for an hour’s worth of work, even though he was only there a few minutes.

Kim Kardashian turned 40. Her breasts, buttocks and lip fillers all turned 22.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s deposition in Jeffrey Epstein’s sex-trafficking case was unsealed, along with her notes written in purple gel pen ink reading “Do you like Jeffrey? [Circle One] YES NO “

Google shut down streaming service Google Play Music. It’s now Google Won’t Play Music.

Whole Foods announced one-hour grocery delivery, or about ten minutes longer than it takes for your organic produce to go bad.

Miami Dolphins head coach Brian Flores said first round draft pick Tua Tagovailoa will take over as the team’s starting quarterback. “Tagovailoa – you’re it” said Flores.

A Colorado woman was charged with misdemeanors after her pet deer gored a neighbor with its antlers. The attack cost the woman dearly, as she was forced to surrender one buck and another $1000 of her dough.

Iranians are allegedly sending threatening emails to registered U.S. voters, pretending to be white supremacists the Proud Boys. Asked why they chose Proud Boys, Iranians said because they already have the beards and the guns.

A volunteer in Astra Zeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine trial died of COVID-19, but Astra Zeneca said he was in the control group and given a placebo. Astra Zeneca said after thinking about it, they’ll still pay him the $200 participant fee.

Penn State men’s basketball coach Pat Chambers resigned following a university investigation of inappropriate conduct. Penn State officials struggled to accept the resignation, because Chambers hadn’t molested anyone.

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A mink on a Michigan farm tested positive for coronavirus. He decided to get tested because he felt really warm.

Unseeded Iga Swiatek won the women’s championship at the French Open tennis tournament. Asked what she was going do do next, she replied “Iga Disney World!”

Harold “Heshy” Tischler was jailed for inciting a riot as Orthodox Jews continue to protest New York City’s COVID-19 restrictions. Tischler becomes the first person arrested for excessive fist-shaking.

Two U.S. professors won the Nobel Prize in Economics for ‘improvements to auction theory and introduction of new auction formats’. Then they sold the prize on eBay.

Estee Lauder is sending 10 bottles of skin care serum to the International Space Station, and will auction one bottle for charity. The winner will be responsible for the winning bid, plus $3 million in shipping.

COVID-19 vaccine makers are paying people to take trial vaccines, with the plan to expose them to coronavirus in a controlled environment. Volunteers are signing up quickly, because so many want to see the inside of the White House.

Many cities are ditching Columbus Day and celebrating Indigenous Peoples Day instead. “Whatever” said a government worker sleeping in.

Tom Kennedy, longtime host of game show ‘Name That Tune’, passed away at age 93. The church organist will play two notes of Amazing Grace in his honor.

Many Twitter users are outraged that Israeli actress and Wonder Woman star Gal Gadot will portray Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt in an upcoming film. They demand the role go to an actress who’s Egyptian, Greek, or dead and wrapped in bandages.

Amazon debuted the first of 100,000 electric delivery vans it will deploy. The vans will help reduce harmful emissions as they carry stuff you’ll dump in a landfill in a couple years.

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A Doylestown, Pennsylvania man was chosen to manage the official @Ireland Twitter account. He’ll return control to native Irish once they sober up.

Five parrots at a British zoo were separated and moved because they were all cursing at visitors. However, they did get people to give them a lot of f***ing crackers.

Google held an online event to introduce its new Pixel 5 phone – which most everybody watched on their iPhone.

A new study of 3,200 women showed they still consider sex to be important as they age – they just don’t think it’s that important tonight.

Scientists determined a woman’s reproductive system can actively select which sperm are accepted to fertilize an egg. They found the sperm with the highest chance of acceptance drove to the egg in a Porsche instead of swimming.

Conflict rages on between Armenia and Azerbaijan, in what’s being called ‘The War Almost Nobody Can Find On A Map.’

The Tokyo Stock Exchange suffered its worst outage ever, as officials scrambled for hours locating someone in Japan who’s good with computers.

COVID-19 vaccine trial participants report day-long exhaustion and headaches, symptoms similar to a control group that didn’t receive the vaccine and visited their parents.

The chief of the Federal Aviation Administration test-flew the currently-suspended Boeing 737 MAX, and recommended some changes to the aircraft as he floated to the ground in a parachute.

‘The Masked Singer’ contestant, actor Mickey Rourke, eliminated himself from the competition on Tuesday night, as did millions of other men who eliminated themselves from watching it to flip to the NBA Finals.

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The United States revoked 1,000 visas for Chinese students attending American universities. Coincidentally, 1,000 American students just moved up the curve from D to C- in their Calculus class.

Poison frontman Bret Michaels is selling his Los Angeles home. It’s over 6,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 6 1/2 bedrooms, and a study which didn’t get much use.

A new poll shows the majority of residents in the U.S. four largest cities – New York, Los Angeles, Chicago & Houston – face ‘major financial problems’. Broke, jobless rural Americans are comforted that they can get the ‘big city” experience at home.

Microsoft announced the new Xbox gaming consoles will debut on November 10th. Parents are advised to hide their cash and credit cards starting now.

The City of Los Angeles banned Halloween trick-or-treating, so Hollywood celebrities cancelled their kids’ limos.

Companies developing COVID-19 vaccines say there is a shortage of monkeys available for testing. Donald Trump ordered a ban on monkey imports so those good jobs can go to American workers.

In an attempt to stop open defecation, India has spent over a billion dollars building millions of public restrooms – almost all of which are out of toilet paper.

Maserati demoed its new supercar – the $200,000, 600 horsepower MC20 – at an event without a tree or telephone pole in sight.

The U.S. Air Force is testing robot dogs in warfare simulations. The dogs exit aircraft to scout an area and ensure it’s safe for human soldiers. So far the dogs have performed well, except when the Taliban distracted them with tennis balls.

Tennessee authorities say they’re searching for a tiger that escaped a sanctuary in Knoxville. Residents are told to be on the lookout for a 200-pound cat, wearing a cowboy hat and carrying a guitar.

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E! Network is ending ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’. NBA TV might pick it up, but then dump it once they get bored.

An Austrian man set a new record for spending over 2 1/2 hours in an ice bath – then spending 6 hours trying to coax his penis back outside of his body.

A shopping mall in King Of Prussia, Pennsylvania opened a COVID-19 boutique. Masks are required for everyone entering the store to shoplift masks.

#BoycottMulan is trending on Twitter, and with people who don’t have $30.

A drug administered to mice in outer space not only halted muscle and bone loss from zero gravity, it actually grew muscle mass. However, the mice stopped doing experiments and spent all their time oiling each other up and posing in the mirror.

Google launched operating system Android 11. Sadly, for the previous Android, being a 10 still wasn’t good enough.

Drugmaker Astra Zeneca halted human trials of its COVID-19 vaccine after one of the participants experienced an “unexpected illness” – which is what they call “death” during human vaccine trials.

NASA researchers discovered rust on the Moon. Apparently the Lunar Rover that’s been there since 1971 hasn’t been washed too often.

Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole wants him deposed for their divorce proceeding. “Why would she want me gettin’ deep hos?” asked Dre.

Tiger King’s Joe Exotic wrote a lengthy letter to Donald Trump asking to be pardoned because he claimed he’s been sexually assaulted in prison. Guards said that may be true, but only because Joe Exotic paid the guy a carton of cigarettes.

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Facebook announced they’ll block any new political or issue ads in the week before the November 3rd election. In response, the Russian government announced they’re taking that week off.

Samsung announced the Galaxy Fit 2, a fitness tracker that will run for two weeks on a single charge – which is two weeks more running than the people who get it as a gift.

Two gigantic black holes collided and collapsed into one another, forming a single, massive black hole 150 times more massive than the Earth’s sun. Donald Trump declared the new black hole a terror organization and called on supporters to kill it.

The Centers for Disease Control is telling U.S. states to prepare for distribution of a COVID-19 vaccine by early November. They’re offering free shipping, and free returns when they learn it doesn’t work.

Chili’s restaurant is honoring the start of the new school year with a $5 “Jack To School” margarita, made with Jack Daniels, tequila, sour mix and sugar. They’ll even deliver it to homeschooling parents starting at 9a.m. each weekday.

New York City reopened traditional gyms with new safety guidelines, but group fitness classes are still prohibited. Women are adjusting to the new normal of being hit on from six feet away.

A man fishing the Sacramento River in California hooked what turned out to be a live pipe bomb. But since he’s a catch-and-release fisherman, he returned it and blew up a dozen trout and both his feet.

150 guests tested positive for COVID-19 at the world’s largest nudist resort in France. Health officials blame the guests’ refusal to wear masks on their face and buttocks.

An Amazon delivery driver saved a drowning dog in Massachusetts. The dog will be reunited with its owner in about a week since they’re not a Prime member.

Walmart launched a $98 subscription membership service to compete with Amazon Prime. They plan to launch a competing video service as soon as Madea and Larry the Cable Guy can finish 20 more movies each.

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Apple Watches will soon receive Watch OS 7, with even more metrics to measure your overall health. After installation, the default health assessment is “not great”.

A reporter was accused of calling White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany a “lying bitch” – but the claim was disproved by the White House’s official transcript of the briefing. However, “lying bitch” does appear in the official transcript of just about every Oval Office conversation.

Pfizer and BioNTech will get a $1.95 billion order for COVID-19 vaccines from the U.S. Government. It’s $1 million to develop the vaccine, and the rest to cover lawsuits.

The State Department ordered China to close their consulate in Houston. Although it was really less of a consulate, and more of a place for Chinese guys to hang out and hear NBA stories from Yao Ming.

Kanye West claims he’s trying to divorce Kim Kardashian, and is seeking advice from someone who knows a lot about divorce – Kim Kardashian.

A FedEx driver was captured on a doorbell camera refusing to assist an 89-year-old man who had fallen on his porch. He did put a tracking number on him so his family could see where he ended up.

Walmart announced it will no longer open stores on Thanksgiving Day, and will instead designate a new day for doorbuster sales so customers can be trampled.

A new study claims three simple acts can stop individuals from transmitting COVID-19: 1) wearing masks; 2) maintaining distancing; and 3) dying from it.

A construction worker in Osaka, Japan was arrested for writing ‘unkopuuuun’ – which translates to “pyewwww poop” – in permanent marker on a public toilet seat. The judge did praise his courtesy, since you needed to put the seat down to read it.

A federal judge dismissed a lawsuit filed by vegans against Burger King, who they claimed were deceived because the chain’s Impossible Whoppers are grilled next to beef. The dismissal ups Burger King’s record in food quality lawsuits to 1 win and 2,000 losses.