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Beyonce is partnering with Peloton on “various forms of fitness class curation” and “extra sturdy bicycle seats”.

Scooby-Doo co-creator Ken Spears passed away at age 82. No signs of foul play, but the gang is investigating the abandoned amusement park where his body was found just in case.

Donald Trump, Jr and girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle are reportedly interested in taking over the GOP National Committee from current Chair Ronna McDaniel. They’re disappointed that large GOP donors don’t want lap dances from her.

NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine – an appointee of Donald Trump – said he will step down once Biden takes office. Biden plans to accept the resignation and told Bridenstine “may the Space Force be with you”.

Spotify is acquiring podcast hosting company Megaphone. Megaphone hosts over 5,000 podcasts reaching about 4,000 listeners.

Researchers say injectable drug cabotegravir is most effective at preventing women from contracting HIV from an infected partner. So, one injection, then all the unprotected injections they want after that.

General Motors will reintroduce the Hummer as an all-electric vehicle, but will limit sales to prevent rolling blackouts while owners recharge them.

The Masters golf tournament will be played this week. It’s unique in that it’s happening in November, and the star attraction is a black dude who actually voted for Trump.

Twitter may limit ‘Likes’ for posts containing misinformation. But stolen jokes and memes will still rack ’em up.

Ulta will open hundreds of makeup & beauty shops in Target stores. Not to be outdone, Walmart will open its own in-store makeup and beauty shops from Spirit Halloween.

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Kim Kardashian joined husband Kanye West in Wyoming amid speculation about the future of their marriage. Kardashian was photographed crying next to West in the car as they left Wendy’s, presumably after looking up the calorie count of what she just ate.

Chicago White Sox pitcher Michael Kopech filed for divorce from his pregnant wife, ‘Riverdale’ actress Vanessa Morgan, after seeing a sonogram that appeared to have Jughead’s crown on it.

A Houston doctor who claims hydroxychloroquine is the cure for COVID-19 is daring Dr. Anthony Fauci to give a urine sample to prove he’s not taking it. She’s seeking the pants he urinated in right after he threw out that first pitch at the Nationals season opener.

Donald Trump, Jr had his Twitter account restricted after posting videos of the Houston doctor’s false claims of a COVID-19 cure. So, his assistant that knows how to work a smartphone is temporarily out of a job.

The GOP unveiled their latest $1 trillion coronavirus relief bill, reducing weekly unemployment payments from $600 to $200. “NOW what are we gonna do?” asked Jaguar dealers.

A Lynchburg, Virginia Chick-fil-A is offering a free entree and a $10 bill to anyone who exchanges a $10 roll of coins. Lynchburg, Virginia’s best & brightest immediately went to work creating a paper roll that holds a thousand pennies.

A woman died after an apparent shark attack while swimming in Maine. The shark doesn’t expect people to understand, but sometimes you just get sick of lobster.

Teens in Memphis rioted at a Putt-Putt golf course after being denied refunds after getting kicked out for their rowdy behavior. It got so bad, they’re still trying to remove the windmill from the clown’s mouth.

With kids everywhere bored over theme & water park closures during COVID-19 lockdowns, Wham-O classic backyard Slip ‘N Slide sales are up 160%. Also up 160% – emergency room visits for deep bone bruises.

The NFL will allow players to put the names of black crime victims on the back of their helmets. They won’t allow players to put their own names on the helmets, for fear they’ll look at it and cheat on their in-game concussion exams.

 

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The latest viral video craze is the Cheese Challenge, where parents capture video while tossing cheese slices on infants’ faces. Critics say if parents want to punish their kids with processed food, they should just wait until they’re old enough for Lunchables.

Volvo will limit the top speed of its vehicles to 112 mph. Police and auto engineers are confident that pedestrians struck & killed by speeding Volvos will survive if the driver is going under 113 mph.

The FDA has approved ketamine nasal spray to treat clinical depression. Side effects include increased sadness when you blow your nose.

Stormy Daniels will make her stand-up comedy debut later this month. No word on who will be fluffing the audience before her headline set.

HBO aired two-part documentary ‘Leaving Neverland’, where two men accuse Michael Jackson of molesting them as young boys. HBO’s next project is ‘Leaving Sunday Mass’, where men & women document molestation by Catholic priests. Part I will air over the course of 12,000 consecutive nights.

The House Judiciary Committee sent letters to over 80 associates & family members of Donald Trump, seeking information about illegal business activity. To ensure they open it, Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr.’s were put in an envelope reading “You May Have Already Won A Million Dollars!”

Legendary pro wrestler King Kong Bundy died at age 61. He is survived by his wife, Queen Kong Bundy.

For just the second time since the global epidemic began, a person has been cured of H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS. The patient in question is still, however, in a bit of a drought getting laid.

Parents of Peter Zhu, a 21-year-old who died after a skiing accident, received a judge’s permission to retrieve his sperm for “.. preserving some piece of our child that might live on.” The accident and subsequent sperm retrieval was called “my worst day ever” by a guy on Ski Patrol.

A 17-year-old Wisconsin teen was charged with putting Xylazine – cow tranquilizers – in his stepfather’s energy drinks. The stepfather’s symptoms included a droopy face, slurred speech, and failure to remember siring at least a half-dozen calves.

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Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.

 

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104-year-old Australian scientist David Goodall, who’d raised $20,000 to travel to Switzerland to end his life via assisted suicide, died Thursday. Goodall ended his life while listening to Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ – he’d wanted to die listening to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, but ran out of skips on Spotify Basic.

South Georgia Island near Antarctica, a haven for seabirds that had been infested by non-native rats, has been declared ‘rat free’ in what’s being called the largest rat eradication effort in history, using 13 tons of poison. Scientists believe the only chance for a bigger rat eradication will be in 2020, if the Trump Administration is voted out of Washington.

Donald Trump Jr., soon to be divorced from wife Vanessa, is dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Guilfoyle co-hosts Fox News’ ‘The Five’; Trump Jr. has stated his desire to appear on the show, despite only having a Four And A Half.

The South Carolina Department of Natural Resources asked its social media followers to identify a fish that has human-like teeth.  “Why don’t they just ask me?’ wondered Captain Salty the Sea Dentist.

Doctors are warning patients not to wear spandex leggings and yoga pants during MRI procedures, since they may contain metallic threads that could cause burns. They also warn of creepy MRI technicians who share this information in the context of offering women free Butt MRIs.

50 Cent announced that he’s leaving Instagram and going back to Twitter, because they (Instagram) “take shit down off my page with out notifying me. #censorthesenuts” Instagram was then besieged with complaints from 50’s followers – angry that they couldn’t see the photo of his nuts.

The New York Mets lost 2-1 to the Cincinnati Reds in a game where the Mets were penalized for batting out of order in the first inning. Mets Manager Mickey Callaway took the blame for the error, saying he was busy talking to one of the player’s cute mom to see if she could join the team when they went out for pizza after the game.

Ivanka Trump and Melania Trump wore almost identical dresses to President Trump’s signing ceremony for an Executive Order promoting hiring military spouses. The President said they both looked great and couldn’t decide which of them to have sex with first.

Four Danish men in their 20s have started ‘Organic Basics’, a line of underwear that you can wear for weeks without washing, because silver threads kill 99.9% of all bacteria. 2-packs of men’s briefs cost $64 and 2-packs of women’s thongs cost $56. They’ve sold 200,000 units to rich, gross people who never have sex.

L Brands, owner of Victoria’s Secret, is the worst performing stock in the S&P 500 this year, with shares down 50% – and no sign that a push-up is coming anytime soon.

 

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President Trump plans to issue an order to deploy National Guard troops to the Mexican border, stating that they’ll protect the border “until there’s a wall”. Bricklayers who are also in the National Guard are lined up at their doctor’s offices getting notes about their bone spurs.

Skeletal remains found in a Long Island basement were identified as Louise Pietrewicz, a woman missing since 1966. The home once belonged to a married policeman, who was the prime suspect in her disappearance, but who took advantage of detectives too lazy to look for his missing girlfriend’s body in his basement.

A Chinese student is being deported for paying $3,000 to have an impostor take an English-language entrance exam to get into an American university. The good news is she can still complete her University of Phoenix degree online.

WWE Hall of Famer “Luscious” Johnny Valiant died after being struck while crossing the street. Witnesses say he bounced off one guard rail, then the other, before flipping and landing on his back. EMTs arrived, slapped the pavement three times and that was it.

Steven Spielberg said in an interview that, in the future, the next ‘Indiana Jones’ could be played by a woman. Spielberg continued by saying the first 20 minutes would be female Indiana Jones trying on hats to find the right one.

Donald Trump Jr. posted an Instagram photo of his sons playing with their aunt, Tiffany Trump. One of the boys, a four-year-old, posted the same photo to his Instagram account with the caption “feeling up this blond at my grampa’s Easter party.”

tiffany trump

The Food & Drug Administration issued a warning on abuse of loperamide, the active ingredient in anti-diarrheal Immodium, saying addicts are taking hundreds of pills at a time to achieve a methadone-like high and because they hate using public restrooms.

Jay-Z told David Letterman that he cried happy tears when his mother came out to him as gay. But then he cried sad tears when he found out how few words rhyme with ‘lesbian’.

Channing Tatum and wife Jenna Dewan are splitting up, but insisted there are no “secrets” or “salacious events” behind the separation. In a statement, the couple requested privacy as they look forward to independently creating secrets and salacious events.

April 5th is National Burrito Day. Although a coalition has formed in the Northeast to move it to a date later in the spring when it’s warm enough to leave windows open.

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Some parents are boycotting the film Peter Rabbit over a scene where Peter shoots a blackberry into his human nemesis’ mouth, triggering an allergic anaphylactic shock. These parents are also demanding that MGM reedit Tom & Jerry cartoons to depict accurate cranial hemorrhaging when Tom is struck with a frying pan, instead of his skull taking on the shape of the pan.

Toronto, Canada serial killer suspect Bruce McArthur was a seasonal Santa Claus at the Agincourt Mall. No incidents were reported during his time in the mall as Santa, but police detectives say several of the alleged killer’s victims weren’t that great at making cookies.

Vanessa Trump, wife of Donald Trump, Jr, was taken to a New York hospital after opening an envelope addressed to her husband containing a suspicious white substance. Melania Trump expressed her regret, saying when she saw the white powder she thought it was finally time to party.

An 84-year-old California woman was arrested for firing a handgun toward her neighbor’s children because they were “being noisy”. Betty Sanders fired the gun at children, ages 8 to 10, as they rode toy motorcycles in a yard just 20 feet away. Sanders was charged with suspicion of assault, child endangerment, and being a terrible shot.

South Korean officials have confirmed 194 cases of norovirus at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics; everyone else skipped the North Korean kimchi in the cafeteria.

New data from the Brookings Institution ranks the ten cities where millennials most want to move. Topping the list is Colorado Springs, Colorado. Regarding the reasons for their ranking, millennials cited legal marijuana and…that’s about it.

A 38-year-old Texas teacher and mother of two died from the flu, after refusing to take prescription Tamiflu because it cost $116. Burial arrangements are pending, once her husband finds the price he wants on a shovel at Home Depot.

A Utah elementary school told students they “must say yes” if asked to dance at the school Valentine’s Day party. School officials say the policy is to “promote kindness”, but also say they’ve been buried by ticket requests to the party from suspicious adult men.

An Oregon woman has become the first person in the world to have her eye infested by tiny worms that are ordinarily found only in cattle. Doctors removed 12 of the worms and advised that she avoid breastfeeding for a while.

Lavar Ball said that his son Lonzo won’t re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers unless his younger brothers LiAngelo and LaMelo are also signed – a demand that the Lakers called Lidiculous.

Gun maker Remington Arms is filing for bankruptcy. They plan to file reorganization plans in court, or just shoot their way out of it.

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A 25 year-old Ohio father was arrested after donning a scary clown mask and chasing his 6 year-old daughter around the neighborhood to discipline her. He was apprehended when ordered by police to put his hands up, at which point his pants fell down.

Chipotle introduced queso to the menu at its restaurants last week, but commenters on Twitter have expressed disappointment. Worse, the mice filmed at Chipotle over the summer can be seen in a new video scraping the queso off of chips before eating them.

A study in this month’s International Journal of Obesity states that weight loss may be influenced by what’s in dieter’s poop. The study found more weight loss among those whose feces contained a higher ratio of Prevotella to Bacteroides bacteria; and less weight loss among those whose feces contained whole Snickers bars.

Donald Trump Jr. is declining his Secret Service protection so that he can have more privacy. The Secret Service complied, then winked and crossed their fingers behind their backs.

It’s been revealed that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort has been under U.S. government audio surveillance for 3 years. FBI agents now know how to say “urinating hooker” in several Eastern European dialects.

Toys R Us declared bankruptcy. The iconic retailer is so deep in debt, the only Hatchimals they can afford to sell this Christmas are knockoffs that require children to sit on them.

82 locations of Kohl’s stores will pack & ship Amazon returns for free. Kohl’s said it’s the least they can do to help out the bully that will eventually punch them out of business.

President Trump addressed the United Nations on Tuesday morning. Asked for their opinions after the speech, the President said it ‘went very well’; Ivanka Trump called it “excellent” and Eric Trump asked if it was time for lunch yet.

  • Trump again referred to Kim Jong-Un as ‘Rocket Man’ and said the North Korean leader was on a “suicide mission” – hinting that the President enjoys Heavy Metal as well as Classic Rock.

In Geneva, Switzerland, investigators are questioning two Spanish women who flushed 100,000 Euros down toilets at a UBS bank branch and several nearby restaurants. Speculation is that the women were involved in money laundering, or panicked when discovering the bank and restaurants lacked a bidet.

Sunday night’s Emmy Awards set a record for lowest-rated Emmy broadcast, a claim expected to be repeatedly disputed by surprise guest Sean Spicer.

A study in the journal Child Development finds that teenagers of today are slower than teens of the 70s, 80s & 90s to take steps toward independence such as driving, getting a job and dating. Teens reacting to the survey said “whatever”.

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Britain’s Prince George arrived for his first day of school. He was reportedly well-behaved, but looks forward to spending time relaxing on his Time Out Throne.

A woman in China reportedly gave birth while shopping. Since it was a girl, she returned it.

Comcast said that it will open over 130,000 Xfinity Wifi hotspots for free to Florida residents impacted by Hurricane Irma – so that even those Floridians who aren’t Comcast customers can see how awful Xfinity Internet service is.

Craig Carton, the co-host of nationally syndicated sports talk show ‘Boomer and Carton’ was arrested by the FBI and charged with operating a multi-million dollar Ponzi scheme to fund his gambling habit. The over/under was set at 5 years for his prison sentence, and Carton took the over.

A Bengal tiger was spotted roaming around metro Atlanta. It’s unclear how he got there, although residents assumed traffic was so bad the tiger decided to skip the car and walk.

Donald Trump Jr testified to Congress that he took the infamous meeting with Russians to gauge Hillary Clinton’s “fitness”. Bill Clinton commented that he could have told Trump Jr that it was nothing like it used to be.

A high-ranking Commander in the U.S. Navy is accused of making unwanted sexual advances and spanking a woman on the buttocks while he was drunk and dressed as Santa Claus at a Pentagon holiday party.  He was suspended for a uniform violation.

California paroled Charles Manson disciple Leslie van Houten. Van Houten thanked the parole board and said she hoped it wasn’t too late to start a family of her own.

The NBA Los Angeles Clippers have added 8 new “Star Courtside” seats on the floor at their home games, at a cost of $175,000 each. The seats come with a VIP Entrance, valet parking, waiter service, a ride home after the 1st quarter, and priority wait list for Lakers games.

Cruise lines are concerned about lost business resulting from Hurricane Irma. Carnival sent several of its ships into the hurricane’s eye to try and kill it with Norovirus.

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Bridal gown retailer Alfred Angelo suddenly declared bankruptcy, leaving over 7,500 brides who had bought their dresses angry, and 7,500 grooms faking being just as angry.

The 8th person at the infamous Donald Trump Jr. meeting with Russians at Trump Tower has been identified. He is ‘The Guy Who Reserved The Conference Room They’re In, Asking If They’re Almost Done Or If He Should Just Use A Different Room.’

The GOP Better Care Act appears to be doomed, as more Republican Senators pull their support. An angry President Trump said that Congress should Let Obamacare Die — which, coincidentally, is the name selected for the GOP’s 3rd Version of a health care bill.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller told the Senate Judiciary Committee that they could call Donald Trump Jr and Paul Manafort to testify publicly about their interactions with the Russians. Committee Democrats were not available for comment, at least until they returned from a trip to Home Depot to buy pitchforks and torches.

A team of teenage Afghan women – initially barred from entering the U.S. – arrived to compete in the first Global Robotics Challenge in Washington D.C. Their robot is capable of gathering and sorting balls by color. No plans for a trip to The White House, since the robot would be incapable of finding any balls to sort.

Chipotle stock dropped 6% as reports surfaced of norovirus at a restaurant in Virginia. The restaurant closed temporarily to be completely sanitized. Customers who insisted on eating tainted food anyway were directed to nearby Arby’s and Taco Bell locations.

A retired Nevada corrections officer described the prison housing OJ Simpson as “a cruise ship with barbed wire.” In other words, a Carnival Cruise ship.

WalMart apologized for racist language on its website. The color of a cap for sale there was listed as “ni**er brown”. The listing for the cap was pulled entirely, even though “ni**er brown was outselling “cracker white” by ten-to-one.

Embark Veterinary, a canine genetics testing startup, has raised $4.5 million. It’s one of the first of its kind to offer genetics reports for dogs, similar to those offered for humans like Ancestry.com or 23andMe. The purpose is for dog owners to better understand the health needs of their pets, and for dogs to have boring conversations just like Ancestry.com customers do.

  • The founders considered offering similar reports for cats, before concluding that nobody cared.

Harley Davidson execs gave a disappointing sales forecast for the year, while saying they planned to lay off 5,400 employees. Those laid off workers will be given outplacement and discounts on choppers they can ride until they find themselves, mannnnnn…

  • Execs blamed the sales decline on lower volumes of middle managers who dream of being in Hells Angels.

Pizza Hut announced it’s hiring 14,000 new drivers. 13,000 to deliver pizzas, and 1,000 to drive customers to the emergency room.

The bodies of a Swiss couple who disappeared 75 years ago were found at the edge of a melting glacier. The couple, Marcelin and Francine Doumoulin, went to milk cows in a meadow and never returned. Their bodies were found in excellent condition, but unfortunately, the milk was sour.

Fox News host Sean Hannity slammed Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, saying he is “so anti-Trump”…the first case of the Fair Pot calling the Balanced Kettle black.

A new study states that Millennials are more willing to use credit to buy experiences, as opposed to incurring debt for material things. Among the experiences millennials cited are travel, learning new skills, and bankruptcy court.