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Two guards at the Manhattan prison where Jeffrey Epstein killed himself have been placed on extended leave. Not the extended leave they were on when Epstein died — a different extended leave.

Dasani water will soon be sold in metal cans and bottles. Consumers can choose between Dasani Original and School Hallway Water Fountain flavors.

Comedian Whitney Cummings shared topless photos to shut down hackers extorting her after they accessed her iCloud. She then destroyed her iCloud by trying to back it up.

Pabst Blue Ribbon is the latest entrant to the hard seltzer market – Pabst research determined that the marketplace lacked a hard seltzer that tastes like shitty beer.

A new app claims to help Instagram influencers find the most optimal locations to take photos.  The app tells young women the best location is “anywhere you take your clothes off.”

Marlène Schiappa, the French minister for gender equality, called herself ‘sapiosexual’ – a term describing someone who’s attracted to a person’s intelligence more than their face or body. Melania Trump also called herself sapiosexual, for being attracted to a sap.

American Airlines apologized after leaving nine special needs children stranded in an airport for 13 hours. Worse, when they finally flew them home, they boarded in Group 8.

Apple may change the naming structure for iPhones away from Roman numerals. The successor to the iPhone XR [10 R] is rumored to be the iPhone 11. They’re also changing the pricing structure to say it will cost over $M.

A Swedish court found A$AP Rocky guilty of assault. He’s not expected to return to Sweden A$AP.

Placido Domingo is accused of sexual assault. The Bellagio in Las Vegas plans to take the Domingo song “Time To Say Goodbye” off of the soundtrack to its famous fountain shows, and replace it with Domingo singing “Boom Boom Boom Let’s Go Back To My Room”.

 

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Doctors treating a teen girl in China for five days of constipation found 100 tapioca ‘bubble tea pearls’ in her abdomen. She was given laxatives and told to prepare herself for the worst string of pearls she’ll ever get.

Joe Biden made a campaign stop in Iowa, calling President Trump an ‘existential threat’ to the country. Trump, also in Iowa, said Biden should know better than to throw five-syllable words around in the nation’s heartland.

Kevin Durant of the Golden State Warriors rejoined the team for their Game 5 NBA Championship win over the Toronto Raptors, but left the game with a ruptured achilles tendon. The achilles tore when Durant told it he wanted to try playing defense.

A mental health facility is suing actress Amanda Bynes for an unpaid bill. Bynes said she’d be crazy to pay it.

Kim Kardashian West shared a photo of daughter North wearing a fur coat, adding that she’s had all of her favorite fur coats remade with fake fur. “Thanks” said the families of dead chinchillas.

United Airlines said its ConnectionSaver tool is now available to let passengers with tight connections possibly hold their departing flight. United said 14,400 passengers in four months had their connections saved, and they can’t wait to start gouging passengers for using it.

Siam Corner Thai Kitchen in Stamford, CT was closed when a decomposing human body in an apartment over the restaurant leaked through the ceiling. No foul play is suspected, despite the body being covered with ice and liberally sprinkled with MSG.

Investigators believe California’s biggest wildfire, the Mendocino Complex Fire, was caused by sparks from a rancher plugging an underground wasp nest with a metal spike. The rancher will not face criminal liability for the fire, but was charged with 100 counts of waspicide.

New York City police are seeking a woman with a baby strapped to her chest and pushing a stroller, who punched a subway passenger in the face for bumping into her. Witnesses say the woman’s baby asks permission before breast feeding.

Uber debuted a new self-driving vehicle, the latest step in its quest to make cheapskate passengers feel better about not tipping.

 

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Amazon is reportedly interested in acquiring Boost Mobile, in an effort to expand its relationships to more people with lousy credit.

A university study from Italy finds Twitter usage not only limits intellectual attainment, it undermines it. Their findings are being held up while they determine how to thread them in 280-character segments.

Kim Jong Un reportedly executed five government officials as punishment for a failed summit with Donald Trump, and is having a hell of a time getting someone to plan his kid’s birthday party.

Uber is investigating cases of “vomit fraud”, where drivers charge an extra $80-150 cleaning fee when vomiting never happened, or where passengers claim the dog riding with them took care of it.

A senior official for Nepal’s tourism department said they’re considering changes to limit crowding on Mount Everest, including requiring climbing experience, and letting climbers wait their turn at a new Starbucks.

Cher tweeted Donald Trump should be sexually assaulted in prison. Meanwhile, white-collar prisoners said they’d probably leave a 70-year-old alone, unless they got paid $130,000 to deny it happened.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge opened at Disneyland. Tragedy struck as two womp rats bullseyed by a T-16 Skyhopper turned out to be Chip & Dale, killing them both.

Tinder launched a new feature, Super Boost, which, for added fees, puts premium users in front of a list of profiles shown to possible matches for a half-hour. If that doesn’t work, there’s Super Duper Boost, which is a prostitute.

Slipknot singer Corey Taylor “blew out” his left testicle while practicing high notes. His right testicle was blown out by a VIP ticket holder after the show.

A blind autistic boy wowed the judges of America’s Got Talent with a moving piano/vocal performance, leading parents to go ahead and get their kids piano lessons and vaccines.

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Facebook announced it’s cracking down on personality quizzes, because Mark Zuckerberg keeps failing them.

North Korea billed the United States $2 million for the care of deceased political prisoner Otto Warmbier for the period he was comatose in a North Korean jail. And that’s just the copay.

Aides to former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were sentenced to prison for their roles in ‘Bridgegate’ – shutting down lanes of the George Washington Bridge out of spite against Christie’s rivals. Christie claimed to have no part in shutting down bridge lanes, saying he was busy closing his arteries.

In a People magazine story, friends of Lori Loughlin say she’s concerned her role in the Operation Varsity Blues sting will ruin her reputation, presumably among those who have never seen her act.

An aggressive squirrel has reportedly attacked “at least” five people in Seattle’s Prospect Park. Meaning, five people are big enough pussies to admit being attacked by a squirrel, and others are proud enough to keep it to themselves. [h/t to J.L.]

A Florida man is lucky to be alive after cutting his hand with a fishing hook and contracting ‘necrotizing fasciitis’ – flesh-eating bacteria that almost caused him to lose his arm or kill him. Meanwhile, his family called the fish they ate for dinner as “not great”.

Emirati woman Munira Abdulla awoke after being in a coma since a car accident in 1991. Her first words after 27 years were “shave my legs”.

BuzzFeed shared an article listing the best times to take a 3-minute bathroom break during the 3-hour long Avengers: Endgame. They suggest “anytime” once you’ve downloaded a bootlegged copy and paused it.

A Pittsburgh-area woman with a restraining order against her abusive ex-boyfriend discovered that he’d been secretly living in her attic for weeks. She told police that she had suspicions, with clues including the toilet seat left up, missing blankets, and a really smelly attic.

The Internal Revenue Service has designated the Satanic Temple in Salem, Massachusetts as a tax-exempt church, so good luck getting Donald Trump to pay taxes on Mar-A-Lago.

 

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Sarah Thomas will officiate the Los Angeles Chargers/New England Patriots AFC Divisional Playoff game on Sunday. She’ll be the first woman referee in an NFL game, or  just another mom spending a Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of boys pound the piss out of each other.

Donald Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, will testify publicly on February 7th before the House Oversight Committee, presumably to talk about his oversights covering up payments to porn stars and Playmates.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell refused to allow a vote on Democratic-sponsored legislation to end the partial U.S. Government shutdown, going so far as to put the legislation in the folds of his neck where it can never be found again.

President Trump claimed he never said that Mexico ‘would write a check’ to pay for the U.S./Mexico border wall.  “Of course we wouldn’t” said the President of Mexico “..who the f*** still writes checks?”

Tim Tebow is officially engaged to former Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters.  Tebow is planning a return to baseball before he gets married and hopefully makes it to third base.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only Utah’s and South Dakota’s birth rates were high enough to sustain the current levels of U.S. population.  Census workers thanked the citizens of Utah and South Dakota for being Mormons and not knowing how birth control works, respectively.

The school board in Tamaqua, Pennsylvania postponed a final vote regarding a policy allowing teachers to carry firearms in class. Partly because they’re not sure it’s a good idea, and partly because the teachers keep failing the background checks.

The National Enquirer published text messages purportedly sent by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez, including “I want to smell you..I want to breathe you in..hold you tight…” and “Good news! My penis is scheduled for delivery tomorrow!”

At a small airport near Tampa, Florida, an unidentified person was decapitated by a helicopter’s propeller Thursday afternoon.  Investigators plan to identify the victim, just as soon as their head finally lands on the ground sometime over the weekend.

A new analysis in the journal Science states the world’s oceans are heating up 40% faster than a similar study estimated just five years ago – due to more parents teaching small children how to swim in the ocean.

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Del Monte is recalling more than 64,000 cases of canned ‘fiesta corn’ – mixed with red and green peppers – due to botulism risk. They’re also considering recalling all inventory of canned cream corn because of terroristic threats from grossed-out kids.

Taylor Swift revealed that video kiosks set up at her concerts used facial recognition software to identify her known stalkers in attendance. A ‘command station’ in Nashville held a database of Swift’s stalkers photos for comparison. No reason was given as to why Donald Trump’s photo was in the database.

Amazon lowered the price on a 2nd-generation Alexa-enabled Echo Dot to just $19.99 for its big Christmas Sale. That’s the lowest price ever to surrender any & all privacy in your home.

Melania Trump became the first First Lady to fly in V-22 Osprey, a massive military flight machine that has airplane range, yet lifts off & lands like a helicopter. Her flight took her over the Atlantic Ocean and parts of Virginia, safely landing on the roof of Bergdorf Goodman just before the end of their Christmas shoe sale.

KFC is selling prefab firelogs that smell like their fried chicken when burned.  You can either let the logs burn all the way out, or extinguish them with your own vomit. [h/t to SES & RC !]

Michael Cohen sat for an interview on ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ to discuss his and now-President Trump’s role in paying off Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal. Cohen said of Trump “he knows the truth” — which, for Trump, is a first.

  • Cohen added that he’s “done being loyal to Trump”, and that he’s shifting his loyalty to whomever is boss of his cell block.

Netflix is testing a new feature, ‘Watch That Scene Again’, which allows viewers to immediately re-watch key scenes in movies. They say they got the idea from every guy who’s watched porn, ever.

Facebook admitted that for 12 days, it allowed access to users’ photos that they’d uploaded to Facebook, but had not agreed to share.  Facebook admits that this resulted in the unwanted sharing of boob and penis shots that users were on the fence about while they tried alternate angles & lighting.

A Reuters investigation alleges that Johnson & Johnson for years hid the knowledge that its signature Baby Powder contained cancer-causing asbestos. J&J has yet to deny the reports, but says they aren’t receiving enough credit for the powder preventing babies from catching fire. [h/t to BTT]

Stormy Daniels owes Donald Trump’s lawyers over $293,000 for her failed defamation lawsuit, and is in talks with Scores strip clubs to do high-end shows to earn the money. Her lawyer said  Scores would need to pay more than the current offer she has from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

 

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The bodies of two missing climbers from Iceland have been discovered in a Himalayan glacier, 30 years after they disappeared.  “Those guys haven’t aged a bit!” said several mourners at their funeral.

  • Their families expressed gratitude at finally having closure, but disappointment that the climbers forfeited the deposit on the tent they rented.

The publisher of National Enquirer struck a deal to provide evidence that they buried negative stories about Donald Trump during his run for President. Their lawyers are still working on a settlement in the libel lawsuit brought by the half-man/half-lizard they put on the cover instead.

Lily, a Sesame Street character first introduced as being “food insecure” for not getting enough to eat, is now also the first Muppet on the show to experience homelessness. Begging the question “If that’s true, what the f**k does Mr. Snuffleupagus live in?”

  • Lily is seven years old, has bright pink skin, and red dreadlocks. So things were already pretty damned tough for her.
  • The story of how Lily’s family became homeless remains unclear, only that her dad owes a ton of money to Big Bird.

Melania Trump debuted a new blond look on Fox News. Melania now goes by Stormy Knaus.

A 31-year-old Florida woman on a first date died after falling off the back of a man’s motorcycle on her ride home, then being run over several times on a highway. The man never returned to the scene of the accident, although he did show up at the funeral to see if she has a cute sister. [h/t to Don M!!]

Old Bay seasoning is suing a spice manufacturer over the name of their product, ‘New Bae’. Lawyers for New Bae say they aren’t real competition for Old Bay, because once men & women get New Bae on their tongue, they’re pretty tired of it.

Danielle Goldsmith, a former NFL cheerleader, diagnosed her own rare medical condition – pectus excavatum, a sunken sternum that can inhibit breathing – after multiple doctors dismissed her chest pain and shortness of breath as ‘anxiety’. She urged other women seeking medical advice to “be aggressive..be, be aggressive!!”

A leaked Google memo advises staff not to give gifts like logo shirts to “temps, vendors & contractors (TVCs)”, because they don’t want TVCs to feel like they’re full-time employees. The memo goes on to say that if TVCs sexually harass women, they’re to be fired, instead of getting a 7-figure severance & going-away party of a full-timer.

A 57-year-old Washington man was sentenced to nine months in jail after police found his remote treehouse that had framed images of child pornography on the walls. He’s already received four offers for the place from Tiny House enthusiasts with money to redecorate.

“Ghosting” is now happening more frequently in the workplace, as employees simply leave for a new job without notifying their employees or coworkers. Human Resources workers are frustrated and worried that they’ll be phased out now that employees can just fire themselves.

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Amazon is testing its cashierless checkout technology in larger stores. To do so, they’re looking to hire the world’s most expert shoplifters, so they’re planning a job fair in Philadelphia. 

Walmart says they’re equipping sales associates with an in-store tool that allows brick & mortar customers to complete online orders. Walmart is calling the tool an “iPad”. 

Apple released its Best Of 2018 apps list. Topping the list for iPad, ‘Froggipedia’, a virtual reality app that lets you dissect a frog without killing an actual frog. Runner-up was Brassiereipedia, that lets geeks experience the removal of a woman’s bra.

Samsung announced their plans to introduce a 5G smartphone, costing around $2Gs. 

American Airlines used video footage from O’Hare Airport to refute a claim that they abandoned an elderly woman in a wheelchair alone at midnight after her flight was cancelled. American’s record of successfully defending passenger abuse claims improves to 1-for-2,000.

Eight brands of dry dog food have been recalled for excessive levels of Vitamin D, which can cause vomiting and weight loss. Eight other brands were recalled for excess Vitamin E, which can cause uncontrolled surges in your dog’s sex drive on your leg. 

December 4th marks National Cookie Day. The following Tuesday, December 11th, marks National Stale Cookie Day. 

A 300-pound-woman in Erie, PA faces up to 36 years in prison for a murderous attack on her 120-pound boyfriend that involved sitting on him. CSIs said that when they arrived at the crime scene, the victim’s face and skull were unrecognizable. 

Wikipedia is taking steps to curb what it calls ‘rogue edits’ – including one where the photo accompanying Donald Trump’s biography was changed to a penis. Their first corrective step is removing Melania Trump’s editor privileges. 

Burger King is offering 1-cent Whoppers to its mobile app customers, provided they do so while standing within 600 feet of a McDonald’s location. Customers are thrilled that they can save money while getting McDonald’s fries with their discount Whopper, and not BK’s lousy ones. 

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In Arkansas, 69-year-old Patricia Hill allegedly shot and killed her 65-year-old husband, Frank, for purchasing an on-demand porno movie. She was angry her husband had somehow never heard of free Internet porn.

Starting Thursday, McDonald’s will issue five different MacCoins — one for each decade — to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Big Mac.  Each coin will be good for a free Big Mac. Customers are encouraged to collect all five and redeem them for a heart attack.

E! Network aired its latest episode of Total Bellas, where Nikki Bella and John Cena made the decision to call off their wedding. The scene features Nikki, John, and a pastor who slaps the altar three times to signal it’s over.

Followers of supermodel/mom Chrissy Teigen supported her as she posted an Instagram vacation photo, reclining nude on a chaise, covered by a towel while breastfeeding her newborn son. Her open breastfeeding is also supported by men on the Disney Cruise where she shot the pic.

Former porn star Mia Khalifa will undergo surgery to repair a ‘slightly deflated’ left breast implant, suffered when she was struck by a puck watching a Washington Capitals Stanley Cup playoff game two months ago. Khalifa decided on surgery after the team took dozens of shots at her right breast, but failed to even them out.

Atlanta Braves pitcher Sean Newcomb apologized for offensive tweets from his high-school days that included racial and homophobic slurs. Given the number of baseball players apologizing for their racist tweets, Topps announced that they’re just going to put them on players’ baseball cards to make them easier to find.

Rudy Giuliani, attorney for Donald Trump, said he didn’t know if collusion with Russians to use hacked information was illegal — adding that the hacking was illegal, but perhaps not using the stolen information. Next up, Giuliani will defend a group of men spending money they got from a bank robbery, saying he doesn’t know if knowingly spending stolen money is even illegal.

The National Football League has reportedly ordered Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to stop talking about player protests of the National Anthem. An NFL spokesman said it’s only fair to follow-up censorship of players with censorship of owners.

CBS Corporation is rumored to be investigating claims presented by Ronan Farrow in a New Yorker expose that CEO Les Moonves sexually harassed six women. CBS is assembling a committee to decide if the claims are valid, and if they’ll run future operations with more discipline and less Moonves.

MIT scientists are working with residents of Nantucket Island, Massachusetts, to curb rampant lyme disease by genetically engineering indigenous white-footed mice so they’re immune to lyme disease and can’t spread it from tick bites. The effort is slowed by wealthy residents’ not wanting to pay for it, since the mice don’t have health insurance.

Shares of Twitter stock fell 15% as the company announced it was purging fake accounts — and breaking the heart of your Mom, who thought she had five admirers following her from Kazakhstan.

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WWE’s stock price soared after releasing quarterly earnings. Executives attributed profits to cost savings from not having to buy wedding gifts for Nikki Bella and John Cena, and the robust U.S. economy providing more money for dumb people to buy WWE stuff.

Kristen Stewart has been cast as an Angel in the Charlie’s Angels movie reboot–where the Angels confront criminals and bore them to death.

Facebook had the worst day in U.S. stock market history, losing $132 billion in market value after forecasting slower earnings growth. It was so bad, Mark Zuckerberg vaguebooked “man, I can’t believe it” and received two million comments asking “what’s wrong?”

Over 700 immigrant children have yet to be reunited with their parents or families after being separated by Trump’s zero-tolerance immigration policy. What’s worse is that the Trump administration is charging the parents overtime for each hour they don’t arrive to pick up their kids at Donnie’s Day Care.

With over 200 cases reported since February, the Centers for Disease Control issued warnings for those raising chickens in their backyard to guard against salmonella. People are reminded to wash their hands, wear specific shoes while around the chickens and, if you live in the Deep South, use condoms.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones insists that players who want to remain on the Cowboys will need to stand for the National Anthem. Although they’ll still probably sit for the playoffs.

Amazon is beginning to roll out collaborative ‘wish lists’. They say it’s a great way for couples who loved specific wedding gifts to ask for duplicates before the divorce.

Apple announced free repair for its consumer devices that were damaged in the Japanese floods – just provide your name, address and device type and Apple will send you a large bag of rice.

New York City officials are moving to restrict the number of Uber and Lyft vehicles on the road, blaming rideshare cars for congestion, lower driver wages, and reduced opportunities for traditional cabbies to sexually harass passengers.

John ‘Papa John’ Schnatter is suing the company he founded, Papa John’s Pizza, to review internal documents related to his firing for using the n-word.  Papa John’s lawyers sent their response to Schnatter — late, tasteless, in a box with two wrinkled banana peppers.