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Lehigh University instituted a ban on hard alcohol at all fraternity and sorority houses. The measure is intended to help Greek organizations focus their hazing efforts on physical & emotional abuse.

Jerry Merryman, co-inventor of the handheld calculator, died at age 86.  Merryman said he was proud to introduce a generation of young boys to 80085.

Two female NASA astronauts and a Canadian female flight controller will conduct the first all-female space walk. They intend to walk for a few minutes, then spend an hour having coffee.

Utah residents Michael Lee and Angela Peang, who are first cousins, went to Colorado so they could be legally married. They’re petitioning Utah to recognize their right for cousins to legally marry, adding if that doesn’t work out, they’ll just settle in Mississippi.

President Trump hosted corporate business leaders at the White House, and referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as ‘Tim Apple’. Trump then expressed anger & disappointment that Bill Microsoft and Jack Twitter were no-shows.

Four Canadian wolves were captured and air-dropped on Lake Superior’s Isle Royale National Park in Michigan, in order to bolster the dwindling wolf population and control a growing moose population. Local moose then held a hearing to deal with illegal wolf immigration and plummeting moose-house prices.

Residents of Cardwell, Australia are mourning the loss of ‘Bismarck’, an 80-year-old 15-foot crocodile believed to have been shot & killed. Residents say they’d grown to love Bismarck, since he was a huge tourist attraction, and because during his 80-year life he’d only eaten two of their kids.

Queen Elizabeth, aged 92, made her first photo contribution to the @theRoyalFamily ‘s official Instagram account – although skeptics immediately questioned whether that’s really her in the bikini.

A Seattle man robbed $600 in cash from Girl Scouts selling cookies outside of a grocery store. Police distributed a photo of the suspect, as the Scouts gear up to earn their secret merit badge in Vigilante Justice.

Following the closure of a Blockbuster Video location in Perth, Australia, there remains just one Blockbuster store in Bend, Oregon. The manager says the store is a tourist attraction and will remain open, and in fact they’re hiring workers to beat nearby Redbox machines with crowbars.

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Absenteeism from the flu outbreak has closed schools in 12 different states. Students are reminded to practice good hygiene like hand-washing, and not kissing the teacher they’re having sex with if she or he has the flu.

Astrophysicists from Spain accessing the Hubble Space Telescope released what they’re calling “the deepest images of the universe ever taken from space” – resulting in the researchers seeing millions of hidden stars, and thousands of billboards for Pedro’s South of the Border.

MLB’s San Diego Padres are officially switching back to brown & gold uniforms starting with the 2020 season. The Padres used brown as their primary color from 1969, when they first formed, through 1991, when they decided they were tired of looking like dung.

A 10-year-old Kentucky boy won his science fair with a project calling QB Tom Brady a cheater, by showing underinflated footballs are thrown more accurately. The boy’s findings and project stunned adults who couldn’t believe they hold science fairs in Kentucky.

A non-venomous carpet python in a toilet bit a 59-year-old Brisbane, Australia woman on the buttocks while she urinated. The woman was treated for her injury but still thanked the snake for putting the seat down.

President Trump agreed to reopen the U.S. Government for three weeks while Congress negotiates border security. Trump said he hasn’t ruled out using Executive Orders to declare two national emergencies — one to demand a border wall, and one to demand the year-round offering of McRib.

The New York Times reports Facebook plans to integrate back-office operations of its Messenger, Instagram & WhatsApp products, claiming it will be easier for them to steal and sell your personal data just once instead of three times.

The Centers for Disease Control linked an eight-state salmonella outbreak to hedgehogs. The CDC warned people not to “snuggle or kiss” hedgehogs —  real ones, not your boyfriends and girlfriends.

A new study in the journal ‘Science Advances’ suggests Alzheimer’s could be caused by a gum infection. Doctors found a high number of seniors with no teeth who couldn’t remember losing them.

A flight attendant died of an apparent heart attack on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Honolulu to New York.  Passengers described the cabin erupting in bedlam when they  realized they couldn’t locate the exits.

NYPD officer James Wong, 35, was arrested following an argument when he punched his 63-year-old mother in the face. Wong remains free on bond. He also remains a policeman, not a doctor like his mother wanted.

Tinder settled a price discrimination lawsuit for charging users over age 30 twice as much for their Tinder Plus premium product. Tinder defended the higher pricing, saying it offset costs of refunds demanded by younger users tricked into sex with geezers.

 

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Thanks to a new Federal rule going into effect January 1st, hospitals will be required to list the cost of their standard medical procedures online. Although many hospitals are skirting the rule, posting “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”

The Philadelphia Convention & Visitors Bureau gave $35,000 so the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall – closed due to the government shutdown – could remain open, thus ensuring that hundreds of children will be properly bored.

With 2018 homicides up 11% in the City of Philadelphia, the police department has reassigned the Captain that runs the homicide unit. A department spokesperson told the media that he fell well below the targeted 20% goal.

The remnants of a wrecked 19th century wooden ship washed ashore over the weekend in Stone Harbor, New jersey. Historians believe it may be the wreck of the D.H. Ingraham, a schooner that caught fire off the New Jersey coast, remembered by many as the first floating meth lab.

Instagram users freaked out when the company tested horizontal scrolling of photos/stories versus the traditional vertical-scrolling user interface. Paramedics were called to the home of Kim Kardashian, who spent several hours spinning her iPhone trying to fix it.

Michelle Obama was named Most Admired Woman in an annual Gallup poll, ousting Hillary Clinton, who had held the title for 17 years.  Oprah finished second, and Stormy Daniels did not make the Top 5, despite her videos being admired thousands of times a day.

Stefany Miley, 48, a district judge in Clark County, Nevada was arrested on suspicion of battery for an incident involving her 18-year-old son. She allegedly threw the book at him. And also a laptop & a vase.

The U.S. Office of Personnel Management offered furloughed federal employees a survival guide during the shutdown. One suggestion was to exchange painting or carpentry work for reductions in their rent. Furloughed workers said thanks, but the reason they chose government employment was to avoid any actual work.

Patti Stanger, star of Bravo’s ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’, is going on a live tour to help singles and couples. Although every guy who buys a ticket through Groupon won’t be matched up with any gold diggers in the audience.

Actor Forest Whitaker filed for divorce from his wife of 22 years, citing irreconcilable differences. He’s reportedly keeping his good eye out for a new romance.

Science journal Proceedings of the Royal Society reviewed sexual activity of mammals with a baculum, or penis bone, meant to keep males erect and inside of females. Raccoons have, on average, a full hour of sexual intercourse – during which time they exchange tips on where to find the best garbage.

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Porn actress Jenna Jameson shared three photos of her buttocks on Instagram, to display the progress of her appearance over the course of an eight-month, 80-pound weight loss. “Oh, NOW I recognize you!” said 50 different male porn stars when they saw the third picture.

A GoFundMe campaign seeks to raise a billion dollars to help fund the controversial wall along the U.S./Mexico border, and has already raised $3.3 million dollars. It was started by The Trump Foundation.

Customer service agents at DNA testing services like Ancestry and 23andMe are reporting fielding panic calls from customers getting results that reveal they’re adopted, or that children aren’t really theirs. They say the hard part is telling callers that speaking to a supervisor won’t change that their wife had an affair.

Kim, Khloe & Kourtney Kardashian and sister Kylie Jenner all said they’ll no longer update their personal apps and websites — abandoning fans who will only be able to see & read about them on their tv show..gossip sites..other tv shows.. Facebook.. Instagram.. Snapchat..TikTok…

Anheuser-Busch is investing $50 million toward development of cannabis-infused beverages. So around July 4th, when they put America on Budweiser cans, it will read Stoned America instead.

Following Alfonso Ribeiro’s lawsuit against Epic Games ‘Fortnite’ for stealing his Carlton Dance, ‘Backpack Kid’, inventor of the Floss, is also suing Epic for stealing his dance. Lawyers for Chubby Checker are ready just in case Fortnite characters do The Twist while standing in front of a walker.

Walgreens announced a plan designed to save the company more than $1 billion annually. It pretty much boils down to firing everyone who’s been stealing oxycontin.

The U.S. Justice Department accused China of systemic hacking into the systems of American tech & industry giants. Comcast said that the Chinese had stolen their Customer Satisfaction Playbook – but the Justice Department said they’re more worried about useful information that was stolen.

In the U.K., a dying man enamored of his two-year-old neighbor girl bought her 19 years of Xmas presents and had them delivered to her parents before he passed away.  The parents cried, then promptly opened the Year 19 gift and got wasted on it.

Saudi Arabia announced the creation of three new government bodies aimed at improving their intelligence operations after the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul. The three bodies are: strategy & development; legal affairs; and a new & improved secret murder department.

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A 9-year-old girl in Ontario, Canada called 911 because she was angry that her parents had told her to clean her room. Police reiterated the importance of only calling 911 in an emergency, so the girl shot her parents in the leg and called them back.

A 29-year-old Summerville, South Carolina man was arrested for lighting fire to his neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations. He was charged with arson. Frosty was pronounced dead at the scene.

Kendall Jenner shared a photo via Instagram of a handwritten love letter she’d received, with the signature of its writer blacked out. Stalkers expressed their frustration at having to practice cursive to get noticed.

Sully, the service dog of deceased President George H.W. Bush, posed on the red carpet for CNN’s ‘Tribute To Heroes’ event in New York City. Sully took photos with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, then grabbed champagne and Milk Bones for a limo ride with several bitches.

Andrew Slavonic, a 101-year-old World War II veteran, credited drinking Coors Light beer every day for his long life. Miller Coors brewery then gave him a fridge stocked with Coors Light and a trip to see the brewery in Colorado – which Slavonic intends to take after he’s finished his fourth liver transplant.

Arizona parents attending a school play, ‘The Foreigner’, at ASU Preparatory Academy, were shocked that several students portrayed Ku Klux Klan members in full white robes. The students wearing the robes were just as shocked at how easy it was to find their costumes for the school play.

Instagram is rolling out ‘walkie-talkie’ voice messaging. Users can record a message up to one minute long, or as long as it takes to say “show me your tits”.

A Mississippi man who used a front-end loader to ram vehicles in a Walmart parking lot because he thought zombies were chasing him has been sentenced to 15 years in prison. The sentencing judge also told Walmart not to have its elderly greeters follow customers in the parking lot.

Researchers from New York University conclude that women are still seen as inferior to men when it comes to completing highly intellectual tasks. Dr. Andrei Cimpian, lead author of the study, published his results in the journal American Psychologist, just as soon as he found a girl to type it up for him.

Vitaminwater is looking for a person willing to give up all smartphone use for a year in exchange for $100,000. To be chosen, entrants must say what their plans are for the year without a phone. So far, entrants have shared plans ranging from “sleeping on vents in the sidewalk” to “remaining in a coma”.

 

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Facebook and Instagram are adding dashboards to help track time spent on social media. “Wow, four hours a day is a lot of bullying!” said a cyberbully.

A survey from personal finance website Finder.com found that gin drinkers are the biggest “drunk shoppers” on Amazon. They were also the biggest “drunk shoppers” at brick & mortar stores before racking up so many DUIs.

Thieves stole two of Sweden’s crown jewels in a daring daylight heist in Stockholm. The criminals escaped in a speedboat and are still at large, despite Sweden putting all six of its cops on the case.

All 103 persons aboard an Aeromexico flight that crashed on Wednesday morning survived. Air travel experts weighed in on how everyone lived, saying that ‘tequila keeps everybody pretty relaxed.’

A man unknowingly rescued old books from a dumpster that had once belonged to Thomas Jefferson. Some were volumes by French theologian Pierre Charron – most were compilations of letters to 1800s Penthouse Forum about sex with black women.

A flight attendants union is petitioning the Department of Transportation to regulate the temperature aboard commercial aircraft. With the rise of sexually aggressive behavior on planes, the flight attendants are trying to eliminate any reason for weirdos to remove their shirts and pants.

Charlie Sheen is asking a judge to modify his child support, saying that he’s been unable to find steady work, and is in a “dire financial crisis” with less than $10 million in assets. Sheen is requesting that he be allowed to pay child support with cocaine.

The winners were announced in the New York State Craft Beer Competition. The big winner was Threes Brewing from Brooklyn, which took two medals; the big loser was Genesee, which took several judges’ livers.

Ivanka Trump shared an opinion that diverged from her father’s, saying she doesn’t think the media is the ‘enemy of the people’. She added that she thinks media is “hilarious” and “Boo! A Media Halloween” is her favorite Tyler Perry movie.

Thanks to a new law, catcallers in Paris face $870 on-the-spot fines for verbal sexual harassment. Police have yet to collect any money, though, since the male undercover cops they’ve been using to stroll past construction sites aren’t that hot.

Madonna said that Donald Trump’s presidency led her to move her family to Portugal – just in case anyone is struggling to find a positive outcome of the Trump presidency.

 

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In Arkansas, 69-year-old Patricia Hill allegedly shot and killed her 65-year-old husband, Frank, for purchasing an on-demand porno movie. She was angry her husband had somehow never heard of free Internet porn.

Starting Thursday, McDonald’s will issue five different MacCoins — one for each decade — to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Big Mac.  Each coin will be good for a free Big Mac. Customers are encouraged to collect all five and redeem them for a heart attack.

E! Network aired its latest episode of Total Bellas, where Nikki Bella and John Cena made the decision to call off their wedding. The scene features Nikki, John, and a pastor who slaps the altar three times to signal it’s over.

Followers of supermodel/mom Chrissy Teigen supported her as she posted an Instagram vacation photo, reclining nude on a chaise, covered by a towel while breastfeeding her newborn son. Her open breastfeeding is also supported by men on the Disney Cruise where she shot the pic.

Former porn star Mia Khalifa will undergo surgery to repair a ‘slightly deflated’ left breast implant, suffered when she was struck by a puck watching a Washington Capitals Stanley Cup playoff game two months ago. Khalifa decided on surgery after the team took dozens of shots at her right breast, but failed to even them out.

Atlanta Braves pitcher Sean Newcomb apologized for offensive tweets from his high-school days that included racial and homophobic slurs. Given the number of baseball players apologizing for their racist tweets, Topps announced that they’re just going to put them on players’ baseball cards to make them easier to find.

Rudy Giuliani, attorney for Donald Trump, said he didn’t know if collusion with Russians to use hacked information was illegal — adding that the hacking was illegal, but perhaps not using the stolen information. Next up, Giuliani will defend a group of men spending money they got from a bank robbery, saying he doesn’t know if knowingly spending stolen money is even illegal.

The National Football League has reportedly ordered Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to stop talking about player protests of the National Anthem. An NFL spokesman said it’s only fair to follow-up censorship of players with censorship of owners.

CBS Corporation is rumored to be investigating claims presented by Ronan Farrow in a New Yorker expose that CEO Les Moonves sexually harassed six women. CBS is assembling a committee to decide if the claims are valid, and if they’ll run future operations with more discipline and less Moonves.

MIT scientists are working with residents of Nantucket Island, Massachusetts, to curb rampant lyme disease by genetically engineering indigenous white-footed mice so they’re immune to lyme disease and can’t spread it from tick bites. The effort is slowed by wealthy residents’ not wanting to pay for it, since the mice don’t have health insurance.

Shares of Twitter stock fell 15% as the company announced it was purging fake accounts — and breaking the heart of your Mom, who thought she had five admirers following her from Kazakhstan.

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A tourist from London visiting the Jersey Shore was impaled in her lower leg by a flying beach umbrella. When New Jerseyans heard a woman was impaled, they offered her sunscreen.

  • After her bleeding was stopped, the woman was rushed to the Jersey Shore Critical Care Center – which is a casino nurse’s office where they take old people whose oxygen tanks run out while they’re playing slots.

Skytrax’ World Airline Awards named Singapore Airlines the best in the world. “Well, then let’s take them to see the grandkids in Louisiana!” said an old man in Arkansas who doesn’t understand how airlines work.

President Trump attempted to walk back his press conference remarks about Russian election meddling, stating he meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia” but instead he said ‘would’.  He compared it to 2005, when he told Melania he would be banging a porn star at a golf tournament when he meant to say wouldn’t.

Instagram user @magbody mistakenly congratulated plus-size supermodel Ashley Graham on her ‘baby bump’, when Graham isn’t pregnant. Graham replied that the bump was fat, and @magbody told Graham to stop saying her unborn baby is fat.

Florida’s coastal seaweed bloom could be the worst in history – hurting beach tourism, smothering sea turtle hatchlings and emitting a horrible odor. Wildlife officials have a plan in place to get rid of it, they’re just waiting for a big enough sinkhole to throw it in.

A woman who believed that her doctor touched her inappropriately during an office visit set up a hidden camera on her next visit. She showed the video to police and Dr. James Dyess, 57, was charged with sexual battery. Dyess was taken into custody and asked for a copy of the video.

A new study in Journal of Psychological Science claims 40 percent of people have a “first memory” that is fictional. Scientists claim that most first memories date from 3 years of age or older, and urge parents to stop blowing money taking 2-year-olds to Disney World.

Google announced that Nest home security products CEO Marwan Fawaz is leaving the company, as Nest products are moved under the Google Home Division. Google said Fawaz isn’t leaving the Nest, the Nest is leaving him.

Apple unveiled 70 new emojis to mark World Emoji Day on Tuesday – including new redheads, bald heads, and an expression to show how much harder it is to find the emoji you want.

A Florida woman was arrested after her pet spider monkey, ‘Spanky’, was accused of attacking Home Depot employees.  The Home Depot worker claims the monkey jumped from a shopping cart and grabbed him, leaving marks on his neck. Spanky claims the worker purposely sold him the wrong socket wrench.

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Papa John’s Chairman John Schnatter resigned after saying the word “n*ggers” on a conference call. An unnamed source in the room with him claims he actually said it three times, but the first two times he was on Mute.

Porn star Stormy Daniels was arrested in Ohio on three misdemeanor charges of touching strip club patrons while nude onstage. Ohio law forbids strippers from touching customers while nude, unless it’s a “family member”. Daniels attorney said she was entrapped by officers who asked her to call them Daddy.

  • Daniels took two mugshots. One standard, and one bent over at the waist looking back at the camera over her shoulder.

Kylie Jenner appears on the cover of the latest Forbes magazine as she approaches becoming the U.S.’s youngest self-made billionaire. She said her next goal is to become a millionaire.

Facebook’s app is reportedly crashing on Android devices, as reported by panicked women whose selfies haven’t received “so beautiful” comments from the same four friends.

Google updated their Gboard keyboard app to allow users to communicate via Morse code. Google execs praised the new feature, which is designed to make communication easier for those with disabilities, Boy Scouts, and time-travelers to the 1940s.

Shridar Chillal, 82, of Pune, India – holder of the Guinness World Record for longest fingernails – cut them off and donated them after growing them for 66 years. They will be displayed in a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum in New York, after technicians clean off decades of food Chillal scraped from his teeth.

Instagram introduced an ‘Ask Me Anything’ feature, which allows users to place a ‘?’ sticker on their photos, allowing other users to ask open-ended questions. So far the most common question is “How do I delete Instagram?”

Scientists have discovered the brightest object in the universe, a quasar from when the universe was just 7 percent of its current age. The quasar exists at one end of the galactic spectrum; at the other, 23-year-old Kim Kardashian, who made a sex tape at 67 percent of her current age, known as the dimmest object in the universe.

Older people with higher blood pressure run a higher risk of Alzheimer’s. So quit bothering grandma because you are literally going to make her crazy.

The IRS says that over 350,000 Americans will be unable to obtain or renew passports because of unpaid taxes, although Donald and Melania are likely to get a waiver.

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Jada Pinkett Smith spoke on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ about her past sex addiction. She said she managed to get it under control by getting married.

Tesla plans to build an auto manufacturing plant in Shanghai that will make 500,000 autos per year, or about five per year for every teenager working there.

Colton Underwood, 26. a former NFL practice squad player, admitted on ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ that he’s still a virgin. ‘Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin told Underwood that she’s not a virgin, and has also spent considerable time around football players.

President Donald Trump arrived at the NATO Summit in Brussels, playing the role of the brother-in-law that nobody likes but still has to be invited to the wedding.

Instagram model Katarina Zatrutskie was being photographed floating above a pack of nurse sharks in the Bahamas when one shark attacked her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her underwater. Zatruskie freed herself, and immediately called for help from doctor sharks.

NFL player A.J. Francis angrily tweeted at the Transportation Security Administration for opening an urn containing his dead mother’s ashes and dumping them all over the inside of his suitcase during a checked bag inspection. The TSA apologized and offered Francis an official TSA Dustbuster.

Google is now referring to the different voices in its Assistant app by color.  But they’re fixing a bug where users seeking directions to bad neighborhoods are being talked out of going by the White Assistant.

Singer Cardi B. delivered a baby girl, Kulture Kiari Cephus, on Tuesday, via her Cardi V.

Microsoft introduced the Surface Go, a tablet competitor to the iPad. However, since it runs Windows instead of iOS or Android, the name stands for Go-ing on Closeout.

Consumer agency Technomic released its findings of the Cleanest Chain Restaurants in America. In the fast-casual category, Chick-fil-A was the cleanest.  In the somewhat-fast-slovenly category, Arby’s won by default.