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Online platform Fanvue announced the finalists in the Miss AI Pageant – a contest for AI-generated female personas. Judging will be based on realism, their social clout, and the number of dick pics received in online voting.

Apple unveiled a new calculator app for iPad OS 18, which displays math work written with an Apple Pencil, has graphing features, and when you enter 80085 will display actual boobs.

An activist investor is seeking a hostile takeover of Southwest Airlines, citing disappointing financial results. A passenger on a Spirit Airlines flight experienced a hostile takeover of his aisle seat by a large bully who paid $26 for his ticket.

A man celebrating his recovery from prostate cancer surgery at a diner sneezed, forcing part of his colon to fall out of his body. He was rushed to a nearby hospital and is fine, while other diner patrons asked not to have whatever he ordered.

The WNBA is experiencing record TV viewership with the arrival of rookie Caitlin Clark. It’s such a big jump, Clark is being recruited to play in the United Football League next year to help their crummy ratings.

A 21-year-old man was assaulted by two other men just before sundown on Saturday at the Jersey Shore’s Wildwood boardwalk. He was treated and is recovering at the Calmwood boardwalk.

Moderna is reporting positive test results from its combination flu/COVID vaccine, saying immunity is as good as the individual shots, and they can get two tracking microchips in test subjects at the same time.

Increased occupancy rates indicate malls and shopping centers are making a comeback. Shoplifting is making an even bigger comeback

Donald Trump is at risk of losing the liquor licenses for his Pennsylania and New Jersey golf & country clubs because he’s now a convicted felon. Trump executives Eric & Don Jr. hope to throw off regulators by changing the name of the clubs to Tromp.

Former ‘The Sopranos’ star Drea De Matteo said starting an OnlyFans account made her realize that she’s a ’52-year-old woman with a smokin’ hot body’. “I wouldn’t say ‘smokin’…” said a fan who cancelled.

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The NFL released its 2024-25 regular season schedule, and announced that Netflix will have exclusive rights to air two Christmas Day games. Thanksgiving games will be split between AppleTV+, Hulu, and Disney+ just to see how pissed off football fans can get.

McDonald’s will reintroduce a $5 Value Meal, but will only make it available for a month, and will require a 7-day advance reservation in the dining room.

Uber announced they’ll offer group shuttle rides to shared destinations like airports, concerts & sporting events. Uber Shuttle drivers are looking forward to the opportunity to sexually harass dozens of passengers at once.

Due to shrinking space from beach erosion, North Wildwood, New Jersey has banned the use of beach tents. If couples want to make out without being seen, they’ll be directed by lifeguards to join the junkies and gays under the boardwalk.

Comcast is offering subscibers a Peacock/Netflix/AppleTV+ bundle called StreamSaver – it’s available to all customers who currently pay $150/month for cable tv.

Rumors are swirling that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are headed for divorce, as they’ve not been seen together in public for seven weeks, and Lopez has reportedly banned all Dunkin products from the backstage area of her upcoming tour.

The Mirage hotel in Las Vegas is closing. Families of Sigfried & Roy are being asked for the last time to come and get any tigers still hanging around.

Warren Buffett revealed the ‘mystery company’ that his Berkshire Hathaway corporation has invested over $6 billion dollars in – it’s insurance company Chubb. The announcement gave other investors in the stock a pretty big Chubb.

A Major League Soccer between New York City & the Philadelphia Union was delayed for over two minutes when raccoon ran on to the field. The raccoon was chased away, but asked by team officials to return any time it wants to help liven up soccer games.

Under Armour announced a wave of layoffs, saying they’re Over Staffed.

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Taylor Swift’s management team filed a trademark application for ‘TaylorCon”, fueling speculation of a Taylor Swift fan festival, or a conference where thousands of women can join together and sing about getting dumped.

Facebook turned 20, making it the only 20-year-old you know that actually spends time on Facebook.

UV nail polish dryers in salons were found to potentially cause cancer and changes to DNA. The DNA changes were so profound, some men getting manicures opted for long nails before singing and dancing while dressed as women.

Donald Trump asked his social media followers if he looks like Elvis. Many replied that he does, because they could see him having a fatal heart attack on the toilet.

Spectrum passed Comcast to become the U.S. biggest cable company, mainly because more customers are disconnecting from Comcast. Comcast responded by scheduling its first available disconnect appointments to September 2026.

An ‘atmospheric river’ could deliver up to 10 inches of rain in parts of California. Many San Francisco residents said they’d never had 10 inches, but would consider it.

Following a devastating fire, repairs are nearing completion at Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. A spokesperson for the Catholic Church said they hope to be open and molesting altar boys three weeks before Christmas.

While Patrick Mahomes seeks his 3rd Super Bowl ring with the Kansas City Chiefs, his father Patrick Mahomes Sr was arrested for his 3rd DUI, and received his 3rd pair of silver bracelets.

‘Jersey Shore’ Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino shared a video of saving his three-year-old son Romeo after he began choking on gnocchi. Sorrentino dislodged the gnocchi by striking Romeo in the back, without a second to spare after taking two minutes to remove his son’s four gold chains.

Researchers find that a switch to a vegan diet rapidly impacts the immune system. Specifically, the immune system wants to leave so it doesn’t have to keep hearing its person talk about becoming a vegan for the 1000th time.

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Former Pakistan Prime Minister Imran Khan was shot in the foot in a reported assassination attempt. Police describe the alleged assailant as ‘short’.

Netflix launched a ‘Basic with Ads’ plan, with commercials inserted into content, starting with Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story presented by Manwich.

German pro surfer Sebastian Steudtner set the world record for riding a 115-foot wave in Nazare, Portugal. Officials are still waiting to verify a record from August where an underaged drinker rode a 120-foot wave of empty Coors Light cans at the Jersey Shore.

Twitter users are reporting a recent surge in hate speech and the use of racial slurs. They attribute it to Elon Musk’s new ownership, and their own decision to follow Kanye West.

Viral video shows Houston philanthropist “Mattress Mack” getting in a fight with a Philadelphia Phillies fan at Game 3 of the World Series in Philadelphia. No word if he came back for Game 4, which would mark the Re-turn of the Mack…Re-turn of the Mack….

According to archaeologists, the burial site for a child in Finland who died 8,000 years ago during the Stone Age revealed “surprises” – specifically, a New Kids On The Block poster.

Charges are pending for a student in Berks County, Pennsylvania who took a selfie holding a handgun in a high school bathroom. The student claims the weapon was an innovative way to deal with constipation from cafeteria food.

McDonald’s is reporting increased business from low-income customers due to rising inflation, despite a 10% year-over-year increase in prices. In turn, low-income customers report a 20% year-over-year increase in bad cholesterol.

Kendall Jenner turned 27, as she celebrated with her family, and the mathematician she hired to help her past 10 while counting candles on the cake.

NFL legend Ray Guy – the first punter enshrined in the Hall of Fame – passed away at age 73. No word on funeral arrangements were announced, but it’s presumed he’ll be downed in the Coffin Corner of his hometown cemetery.

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A Southwest Airlines flight attendant suffered a broken back after a hard landing on a flight to California. She fell off the sink while in the lavatory with a copilot.

A police lieutenant in a Philadelphia suburb is accused of providing answers for an oral exam to a prospective police cadet. The lieutenant denies it, and adds the answers aren’t hard, including “shoot the guy”; “where’s my bribe?” and “jelly donuts”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago was prompted by a confidential informant, known only as Deep Slovenian Throat.

Disney+ is raising its monthly rates for ad-free content, despite an injunction filed to halt it from She-Hulk Attorney At Law.

Major League Baseball – whose rules prohibit in-game use of electronics – is investigating Pittsburgh Pirates second baseman Rodolfo Castro, whose cellphone fell out of his pocket as he slid into third base. The Tinder match on Castro’s screen also asked when he’d be sliding into third base.

Kevin Federline said his two sons with Britney Spears are choosing not to spend time with her because of her steady stream of nude Instagram photos. They prefer to stay with Federline, confident that they, along with everyone else, will never see him nude.

After 10 years off store shelves, General Mills is reintroducing Count Chocula, Frankenberry & Boo Berry – the Monsters Of Childhood Obesity.

Moderna’s CEO said he expects their COVID vaccine to evolve “like an iPhone”. Meaning old people will get a new one every six years.

Marguerite Koller, 99, of Blue Bell, Pennsylvania recently celebrated the arrival of her 100th great-grandchild. Unfortunately, Koller’s right hand is now paralyzed from writing so many five-dollar checks for birthday cards.

Investigators determined a foul stench in Paulsboro, New Jersey was from a truck releasing fumes from a fuel additive. They can now turn their attention to the foul stench of sunbathers along the Jersey Shore.

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Firefighters are battling the huge Wharton State Forest wildfire in New Jersey. They’re trying to stop it before it gets to Jersey Shore towns and turns into a grease fire.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee is only playing several songs each night on their current tour due to suffering broken ribs. Lee broke ribs bending over to tie his shoes while sporting an erection.

Texas Republicans adopted language in their official party platform calling homosexuality an “abnormal lifestyle choice”. Texas Democrats are expected to adopt similar ‘abnormal lifestyle choice’ language in their platform regarding anyone who likes, or votes for, Ted Cruz.

Workers at Philadelphia beer distributors went on strike. The interruption in shipments of cheap beers from Bud, Miller & Coors are expected to mess up party plans for area students graduating from kindergarten.

Freshpet recalled dog food over a possible salmonella risk. Dogs who already ate it recalled the food from their stomachs to the family room carpet.

A 660-pound stingray in Camobodia, broke the world record for largest freshwater fish ever caught. It was measured and released..then caught again and eaten.

Oreo is introducing Neapolitan Oreos – challenging kids to figure out how to eat the chocolate filling while leaving the vanilla & strawberry behind.

Elon Musk’s 18-year-old child told a court she no longer wants to be related to him, but is in no rush to be emancipated from his bank accounts.

The UK’s biggest railroad strike in 30 years has brought the territory to a standstill. It’s so bad, Thomas The Tank Engine told children to piss off and find someone else to entertain them.

Fans mocked Justin Timberlake for his ‘dad’ clothes and weak dance moves during an unannounced appearance at a Washington DC music festival. Timberlake attempted a popular area dance, ‘Beat Ya Feet’, but settled for the Macarena.

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Walker Boone, voice of Mario in the 90s cartoon show Super Mario World, has passed away. His last words were “it’s-a no longer me”.

27 people aboard a Carnival Cruise Line ship bound for Belize have tested positive for COVID-19. The passengers are vaccinated, most are asymptomatic, and all are asking for their own private supply of crab legs at the buffet.

Britney Spears’ father, Jamie, agreed to remove himself from her conservatorship. No word on who will control Britney’s estate in the near-term, but it’s a sure thing she won’t ask to spend money on singing lessons.

Mama June Shannon, reality tv mom of Honey Boo-Boo, is suing a Beverly Hills doctor for $35,000 for botching her dental surgery. The suit demands $17,500 for each tooth.

Adidas, which acquired Reebok in 2006 for $3,8 billion, is selling the brand for just $2.5 billion. Journalists sought comments from athletes who wear Reebok shoes, but couldn’t find any.

Eminem’s 19-year-old child Stevie announced they’re non-binary, and will use pronouns they/he/she – and, any new ones that come out.

Former MLB All-Star Jim Edmonds got engaged to Kortnie O’Connor, who reportedly had a threesome with Edmonds & his third ex-wife Meghan. Edmonds is confident in Kortnie’s ability to produce in the clean-up spot.

NASA increased the odds of massive asteroid Bennu striking Earth sometime before 2300. Although gamblers who bet that Bennu will strike Earth may have a hard time collecting their winnings once the planet is blown up.

‘Jersey Shore’ star Vinny Guadagnino is selling his California home after realizing it was on the wrong coast.

Washington state reported the first sighting of live murder hornets in the U.S. in 2021. They were difficult to recognize at first because of the masks.

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Boston Beer Company is teaming with Pepsi to make an alcoholic version of Mountain Dew – called Mountain Dew: Code Liver Failure.

Five New Jersey shore beaches were closed due to fecal bacteria levels. Local officials are asking parents to bathe diaper-clad infants and toddlers in the water to get levels back up to normal.

Colorado officials are saying not to trust Google Maps & Waze, after several travelers were stranded following those directions. They also say not to trust local bears offering to help when they see you’re lost.

New York Lieutenant Governor Kathy Hochul will become New York’s first woman Governor after Andrew Cuomo resigned. She led Cuomo’s “Enough Is Enough” campaign to battle sexual assault on college campuses, but did not support his “Enough May Not Be Enough” program in the state capital.

YouTube suspended Senator Rand Paul for sharing a video that falsely claims masks are ineffective in preventing the spread of COVID-19. Unfortunately this also means no one can view his many skateboard trick videos.

Tropical Storm Fred could hit Florida, and may rise to hurricane strength. Governor Ron Desantis has threatened to shut down businesses that temporarily close to stay safe.

A new study finds four seconds of high-intensity exercise, repeated two or three dozen times, benefit metabolism and muscles in people of varying ages. Although the study points out the four seconds need to be repeated in the same day, not year.

Northrop Grumman launches a new cargo ship to the International Space Station today. You can watch the launch online, then watch the arrival to guess which astronaut anxiously grabs the new shipment of toilet paper.

Jeopardy! will reportedly have two official hosts for the first time ever, with Executive Producer Mike Richards hosting daily games, and Mayim Bialik hosting specials and spinoffs. Aaron Rodgers will host his own special pouting about not being included in the decision.

A 13-year-old boy on an American Airlines flight was duct-taped to his seat for abusing his mother, and attempting to kick in a window. Other passengers were jealous because they taped him to a bulkhead aisle seat.

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New Jersey is building its second offshore wind farms, just as soon as local crime bosses have enough bodies to fill in the giant underwater concrete pylons.

Colon cancer rising in young adults because of sugary drinks. The Surgeon General declared a Mountain Dew Code Red.

Florida condominium owners are debating selling their units in the wake of the Miami Surfside collapse. They’re worried about sharp drops in both value and altitude.

Over 180 people nationwide were killed by guns over the July 4th weekend. Chicago is considering cancelling next year’s fireworks and just scheduling a firefight.

Wildfires in the U.S. are so bad, even Hawaii is experiencing one. It’s a California wildfire on vacation.

Pope Francis is hospitalized following colon surgery, to fix an irregularity discovered by an altar boy.

Black TikTok’ers are on strike since Juneteenth and not creating dances, because they say they’re tired of white TikTok’ers stealing them and getting credit. In other news, the most popular dance on TikTok since Juneteenth is the Macarena.

WWE superstar wrestler Jimmy Uso was arrested for DUI, driving with a blood alcohol level of .205. Uso failed a field sobriety test, he was asked to hit the arresting officer with a folding chair and missed.

Monday marked Aphelion Day, when Earth is at its farthest point from the Sun. Fearing the added distance will diminish their tan, Jersey Shore beachgoers put their chairs on cinderblocks.

Britney Spears’ manager Larry Rudolph resigned, saying he believes Britney wants to retire from singing. He came to the conclusion after listening to Britney sing.

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The Department of Justice is investigating whether White House staff were bribed in exchange for Presidential pardons. They won’t say by who, but two bengal tigers are appearing at the White House Christmas Party.

Actor Ellen Page announced he is transgender and will be known as Elliott Page from now on. He said he did it to live as his authentic self, and for the 30% pay raise.

A California court told Dr. Dre to reveal his finances as part of ongoing divorce proceedings, or face $100,000 in fines. Dre said his accountant needs more time to relabel hundreds of expense entries currently categorized as “ho’s”.

Irene Bedard, the actress who voiced Pocahontas in the Disney animated film, was arrested two times for disorderly conduct while allegedly drunk. She was released into the custody of caring woodland creatures.

Apple released its annual list of Apps & Games of the Year – led by ‘The Ones That Make Us The Most Money’.

New York eatery The Meatball Shop is suing Jersey Shore’s Snooki and Deena, saying they stole trademarks for the sale of their own Meatball Squad merchandise. The lawsuit will likely be settled with an out-of-court sit-down.

On Monday night, stargazers witnessed a Beaver Full Moon, named by Native Americans for the time of year when beavers finish building winter lodges, and named by Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt for entirely different reasons.

Amazon added webcam support to its Fire TV Cube streaming device. Just say “Alexa, show me naked people in front of a webcam.”

TikTok is reportedly testing videos up to 3 minutes long, up from the current 1 minute, so you can watch your kid’s terrible dancing for three times longer.

Spotify announced it now hosts a catalog of 1.9 million different podcasts – equal to 114 million minutes of trees falling in a forest.