By |

A golfer at Tom Brady’s country club found one of his personalized golf balls, a Titleist labeled with the number 12 and his seven Super Bowl wins. The guy who found it said it felt underinflated.

Southwest Airlines is being criticized for canceling 600 flights and delaying 4,000 others over the last weekend. A spokesperson said the disruption was caused by severe thunderstorm activity, and flight attendants running out of dad jokes.

IKEA introduced a line of LGBTQ+ themed sofas, where gay, trans, and non-binary couples can sit to work things out after brawling about assembling the other furniture.

Justin Bieber asked fans to stop staking out the entrance to his New York apartment. They complied, and were replaced by a different group of fans staking out his New York apartment.

Khloe Kardashian turned 37, and shared a rare photo of her brother, Rob Kardashian. Khloe is believed to be the only photographer who wants a picture of Rob Kardashian.

‘Wonder Woman’ Gal Gadot gave birth to her third child, and was granted three months’ maternity leave by the Super Friends.

TLC Network canceled the Duggar Family reality show, ‘Counting On’, after Josh Duggar’s arrest for child pornography. Pending his trial and sentencing, TLC may give him a new show, ’19 Prison Beatdowns & Counting’.

Kataluna Enriquez became the first transgender woman and first transgender woman of color to win the Miss Nevada USA pageant. “What?!” said her boyfriend.

In the wake of Las Vegas Raiders Carl Nassib coming out, the NFL released a new video proclaiming “football is gay” – a sentiment echoed by a high-school athlete who learned he was cut from the varsity team.

Actress Allison Mack will be sentenced today for her role in the NXIVM sex cult. Mack apologized for the physical and mental harm she caused, adding that it’s been especially damaging to her personal brand.

By |

The U.S. Postal Service introduced a Yogi Berra commemorative stamp. It honors a guy so dumb, the value of the stamp is ten cents less than whatever you’re trying to mail.

Rescue teams in Japan responded to a call regarding a drowning woman, that turned out to be a discarded sex doll. The doll was pulled from the water, then a half-dozen first responders fought for two hours to see who got to marry it.

NBA star and Khloe Kardashian baby-daddy Tristan Thompson was spotted at a party going into a bedroom with three women and then emerging a half-hour later looking “disheveled”. It’s the first time in several seasons that Thompson has put in 30 quality minutes.

Ping Golf unveiled its newest line of putters, featuring 11 different models you can use to miss from a foot away, then snap over your leg.

Renee Zellweger is reportedly dating HGTV reality star Ant Anstead. Her reps, however, will not confirm rumors she has Ant in her pants.

Kanye West sued Walmart for selling knockoff Yeezy sneakers. Walmart defended their products, saying they’re clearly marked Jaclyn Smeezy Sneakers.

Vice President Kamala Harris plans to make her first visit to the U.S./Mexico border, then keep going until she gets to Cabo.

Hip-hop star Blueface signed on to compete in the Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship, in hopes of beating up another celebrity and not becoming Redface.

Astronauts installed new solar panels outside of the International Space Station. They’re hoping it cuts their electric bill so that they don’t have to keep working part time jobs at the on-board Starbucks.

Derek Chauvin will be sentenced today in the murder of George Floyd. He’s being advised by his lawyer to get his affairs in order – and by “affairs” he means a head-to-toe Kevlar-lined prison jumpsuit to protect against daily prison shankings.

By |

La La Anthony filed for divorce from her husband, NBA star Carmelo Anthony. She’s expected to receive a Lot Lot of Al Al Alimony.

An Israeli study finds unhappy marriages lead to premature death of husbands. That, and wives learn to shoot guns during their required time in the Israeli Army. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Las Vegas Raiders defensive tackle Carl Nassib became the first active NFL player to come out as gay. His announcement is expected to inspire a lot of embarrassing NFL tryouts from other gay guys.

An elephant crashed into the kitchen of a house in Thailand looking for food. Disappointed, the elephant sat down and called Grubhub.

Khloe Kardashian said that she’s “done” and will not get back together with baby daddy Tristan Thompson ever again, adding there are other fish in the NBA.

A man fell 500 feet to his death from the summit of California’s Mount Russell in the Sequoia National Park, and a woman fell 30 feet and was injured while trying to grab him. “I’mma wait here” said the third person in their hiking party.

The Trump Organization is suing after New York City terminated a contract with them to manage the Ferry Point golf links in the Bronx. Golfers are also disappointed, because Trump scorekeepers gave every player the course record.

One of the deadliest plants in the U.S. – poison hemlock – is now blossoming in Ohio and parts of Pennsylvania. Children in Ohio and Pennsylvania are busily convincing parents that broccoli is, in fact, poison hemlock.

The PA Ballet officially changed its name to the Philadelphia Ballet. To celebrate their new identity, they’ll kick off the summer season performing Swan Lake With Handguns.

Officials at Cape Cod beaches say there’s a lifeguard shortage, so swimmers may have to “swim at their own risk”. They also say not to be fooled by sharks spinning a whistle in their fin.

By |

Space debris from a Chinese rocket will fall to Earth, but nobody knows where. Experts believe it will land in a body of water, because that’s typically where you find a Chinese junk.

An armed suspect took hostages at a Wells Fargo bank in Minnesota. He was arrested, but only after bank employees got his name and created three checking accounts he didn’t ask for.

56-year-old Paulina Porizkova’s full-frontal-nude Vogue magazine cover was unretouched. Although in many cases it has been smeared by older men purchasing their first-ever copy of Vogue.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli reportedly stayed at a luxury resort following their release from prison, according to the maid who had to clean the toilet where they made wine.

Of all the new retail stores opening in the U.S. this year, half will be dollar stores. If a $15 national minimum wage is passed, they’ll be dollar-fifty stores.

Google Photos’ free unlimited photo storage ends on June 1st. In response, Apple is reminding users that it will continue free unlimited photo deletion whenever you try to backup iCloud.

The Hollywood Reporter claims producers are workign on a Black Superman movie. The villain is unnamed, but everyone’s pretty certain it’ll be a white guy with dreadlocks. [story h/t to J.M.!]

Doctors at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia discovered a new disease that prevents the formation of antibodies in humans. It’s an antivaxx Mommy blog started by a patient’s mother.

Khloe Kardashian and Kris Jenner are building adjacent mansions outside of Los Angeles. This way, it’s easier for Khloe to cry on Kris’ shoulder when one of her boyfriends cheats on her.

A new study finds sharks use the earth’s magnetic field like a compass during long-distance migrations. However, when hungry, they prefer to ask other sharks for directions to the nearest swimmer they can eat.

By |

Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh and husband of Queen Elizabeth, died at age 99. Prince Harry & Meghan Markle asked for privacy during this difficult time until they can schedule interviews about it.

Amazon warehouse workers in Bessemer, Alabama appear to have voted not to unionize. To celebrate, billionaire Jeff Bezos will give all the workers new pee bottles, and a pizza party where they’ll be served by the robots that will eventually fire them.

Facebook is testing labels on Pages created by people & organizations. So far, the labels include ‘fan page’, ‘satire page’, & ‘public official’ – but could expand to include ‘abandoned page’, ‘conspiracy kook page’ and ‘page Trump is using to dodge his ban’.

Apple is reportedly delaying some new product introductions because of a supply shortage – specifically, a shortage of teenagers to build them.

Singer Chris Brown’s Porsche was damaged in a chain-reaction collision of valet-parked cars outside of an L.A. club. Brown dismissed the accident, saying “I’ve got ten of these (cars)” before summoning an Uber driver he could punch in the face.

A billboard, ‘Matt Gaetz Wants To Date Your Child’, was put up in Florida – paid for by Matt Gaetz.

Khloe Kardashian, who attempted to get an unauthorized, unretouched bikini photo take off the Internet, posted her own unedited photo to Instagram. “Not bad” said her boyfriend Tristan Thompson, while in bed with some woman he hooked up with.

Gene Suellentrop, a Kansas GOP State Senator, reportedly called the arresting officer ‘donut boy’ when he was pulled over on suspicion of DUI. Suellentrop disputed the claim, saying he was just asking directions to the nearest location of Donut Boy.

Japanese doctors performed the first-ever lung transplant from living donors to a COVID-19 patient. All are in stable condition, but the donors need extra time to catch their breath.

An interstate highway outside Philadelphia was closed when a tractor-trailer crashed, spilling thousands of gallons of syrup. Philadelphia police assisted first responders, then sat on guardrails and ate their shoes.

By |

Wilson sporting goods introduced the Staff Model R, the first golf ball without a coat of paint. They say removing paint will allow weekend golfers to hit the ball farther and straighter into the water.

The world’s lone remaining white giraffe was outfitted with a GPS tracker to protect it from poachers. The giraffe said the GPS is great, but he’d probably feel safer with a gun of his own.

Lena Dunham opened up about her difficulty having biological children due to endometriosis, drug abuse, and potential male sex partners getting to know her.

Khloe Kardashian won the People’s Choice Award for Best Reality TV Star, edging out four other nominees sitting on her couch.

The Boeing 737 MAX has been cleared to fly after a two-year ban. FAA Administrator Steve Dickson said “I’m 100 percent comfortable with my family flying on it…especially my mother-in-law.”

Fortnite is getting in-game video chat, to the delight of gamers who like to play battle-royale games while watching men masturbate.

Harvey Weinstein is reportedly being treated for a high fever and a possible COVID-19 infection in prison. If his condition worsens, he may be placed on a ventilator connected to the exhaust pipe of a garbage truck.

Two men in Queens, New York – Jie Zou and Jonathan Zhang – were arrested on assault charges for a street brawl over a parking spot, ending in a car being driven through the front of a bakery. The fight is now being made into a Jackie Chan movie.

A Medieval soldier’s remains were found next to swords and knives at the bottom of a lake in Lithuania. Researchers concluded he probably lost his battle, and also had a hard time swimming holding swords and knives.

A Wisconsin police officer who’s killed three civilians in the last five years is resigning from the force, for failing to meet his quota.

By |

Comcast announced a record 633,00 new high-speed internet customers in the 3rd quarter of 2020, leading to their hiring a record 4 new customer service representatives to assist them.

The first U.S. nest of 98 ‘murder hornets’ was found in Washington state. 85 were killed and 13 were captured alive, following a tense standoff where beekeepers fired over 200 cans of Raid.

‘The Bachelorette‘ Clare Crawley was criticized for a group date segment where men competing for her affection played ‘strip dodgeball’. Crawley did not participate, but did admit to getting hit by multiple participants’ balls.

Fox is launching ‘The Masked Singer‘ spinoff series ‘The Masked Dancer’. Then they’ll launch another spinoff, ‘The Masked Murderer’, where panelists try to guess which costumed celebrity is O.J. Simpson.

Scientists discovered a new ‘proto planet’ made entirely of iron & nickel worth ten thousand quadrillion dollars. Now they just need several thousand years to get the strip mining equipment to it and cash in.

Astronomers from multiple countries compiled their most detailed “family portrait” of black holes to date. The astronomers are struggling to communicate how many black holes are in it without making porn puns.

White House insiders claim Donald Trump is abandoning CDC COVID-19 guidelines to focus on so-called ‘herd immunity’ – starting by ‘immunizing’ young female interns who brought him Big Macs after he got out of the hospital.

Khloe Kardashian revealed she contracted COVID-19, although some are saying she did it on purpose to promote the new season of ‘Revenge Body with Khloe Kardashian: Pandemic Edition’.

A new study finds that immunity to COVID-19 lasts for months – mostly because nobody wants to get anywhere near you.

Jack Nicklaus endorsed Donald Trump because he’s used to letting Trump think he can win.

By |

Kelly Clarkson will take the injured Simon Cowell’s place as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’, just as soon as she can complete a**hole training.

Stein Mart is declaring bankruptcy and plans to close most of its brick-&-mortar stores. The ones that remain open will reuse inventory from dead stores as Franken Stein Mart.

Navigation app Waze added railroad crossing warnings – along with recommendations of how long you need to floor it to beat the train.

There are now a record 13,000 vacant apartments in Manhattan – meaning Wall Street investment bankers will have an even harder time telling their mistresses they can’t find them their own place.

A new biography of Prince Harry & Meghan Markle claims Markle skipped Pippa Middleton’s wedding because she thought it would turn into a spectacle ‘over who had the best butt.’ Prince Charles attended anyway, despite being the biggest ass in the U.K.

The Harvard Business Review published a new article “21 Human Resources Jobs Of The Future”. 20 of them are planning Zoom office birthday parties, and the other one is firing people.

Scientists discovered sharks living in an active underwater volcano in the Solomon Islands. They’re believed to be there collaborating on a script for SharkCano.

Illusionist David Blaine will broadcast his next stunt via YouTube on August 31st – flying above New York City holding helium balloons. New York area sporting goods stores are selling out of bows & arrows.

A missing 3-year-old Wisconsin toddler was found alive after getting lost in woods for 24 hours after following the family’s dog. The child was treated for minor injures, and the dog just wants to be left alone for a while.

The NBA issued a memo to its players still living inside the Orlando ‘bubble’, saying non-family visitors must have “longstanding relationships” with players to be allowed in. So, Khloe Kardashian & Kendall Jenner can each visit about a dozen different guys.

 

By |

Walmart announced they’re requiring all shoppers to wear masks, and all their senior citizen greeters will receive karate training.

The Virginia mountain lake where ‘Dirty Dancing’ was filmed had completely dried up, but is now starting to retain water again after a wet spring. The symbolism has made Jennifer Grey hopeful she’ll get acting offers again.

The New York Post published a photo of actress Amber Heard’s feces after she reportedly defecated in her & Johnny Depp’s bed after a fight. The picture was evidence in litigation between the two actors, and is part of the Post’s Pulitzer prize entry.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorney told the judge at her bail hearing that she is now married. The lawyer wouldn’t say who she wed or when, only that she’s really getting along with one of the other prisoners.

Kanye West ended his 2020 presidential bid, choosing instead to run on stage at the next inauguration to tell everybody who should have won.

Asheville, North Carolina approved reparations for Black residents. It’s now impossible to rent a U-Haul within a 500-mile radius of Asheville, North Carolina.

Former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville won the Republican nomination in Alabama’s senate primary over former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who recused himself.

New York Times opinion columnist and editor Bari Weiss resigned, issuing a scathing letter claiming that coworkers called her a Nazi and a racist. “Welcome aboard!” said White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

Ivanka Trump was dragged in social media after saying unemployed workers should “try something new!” Later, she posted a selfie holding a can of Goya beans saying “try something new!…this stuff that people eat on the other side of the wall!”

Celebrity co-parents Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson have reportedly reunited and hired a wedding planner to prepare a low-key ceremony to be attended by family members, close friends, and 200 photographers.

 

By |

California health officials announced their findings that coffee doesn’t pose a significant cancer risk – at least not until Dunkin opens more locations there.

Build-A-Bear will open shops inside Walmart stores, where children and parents can build sad bears.

Lab testers Quest Diagnostics said over 11 million clients’ financial and health information were exposed in a data breach, including the 2% who actually passed their drug screening.

Forbes named Jay-Z “hip-hop’s first billionaire” – news that shocked an Adidas-track-suit-wearing Warren Buffett.

Researchers say octopuses may become more popular research animals than lab rats, because they offer relatively easy genetic sequencing, and because you can inject them with eight vaccines at once.

A man visited all 419 U.S. National Parks in one three-year journey. He made the trek alone, in order to avoid children asking him 40,000 times if they were there yet. 

New research concludes feeding mosquitos sugar makes them less likely to bite – but feeding them diet cola makes them more likely to order the larger Value Meal.

An Australian study claims a “high likelihood” of civilization collapsing by 2050 due to climate change. That’s the bad news; the good news is now many more people have enough money saved for retirement.

President Trump and his family attended a fancy state ball at London’s Buckingham Palace, where the Royal Family treated their guests to a buffet from McDonald’s and KFC.

Khloe Kardashian escorted a superfan to his high school prom in Glendale, California. Over the course of three hours, Kardashian arrived, married the captain of the basketball team, and he cheated on her.