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Bad news: daily marijuana use leads to increased risk of head & neck cancer. Good news: you, like, totally can’t even feel the cancer in there, man.

A large geographic feature known both as the ‘Double Arch’ and the ‘Toilet Bowl’ collapsed near Lake Powell, Utah. It’s the largest toilet bowl collapse in a western state since NBC stopped filming The Biggest Loser.

The FDA approved a nasal spray that could eventually replace epi pens for emergency treatment of severe allergic reactions. It comes in honey or peanut scent for use on kids who’ve been stung by bees or eaten nuts.

Scientists found a new bacteria that feeds on microplastics. They discovered it when heating up a frozen meal in the microwave and seeing the tray had been eaten.

Starbucks hired Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol to run the global coffee chain. His first order of business is training workers to tell customers that cream & sugar are “a little extra..”.

Gum disease has been linked to Alzheimer’s. No word on whether dirty dentures are linked as well.

A 4.4 magnitude earthquake hit Los Angeles last week. Seismologists noted the quake arrived a half-hour late from its predicted time, then ended early to beat traffic.

Chuck E Cheese is now offering a Fun Pass – a monthly subscription program offering unlimited visits. Divorcing parents are buying Fun Passses and declaring Chuck E. the rat as having partial custody of their kids.

Jeff Bezos met with the Pope. It took the Pope two weeks to get on Bezos’ calendar. They spent about an hour discussing raking in billions while screwing adults, and children, respectively.

Spain’s Maria Morera, the world’s oldest person, died at age 117, following a loooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggg illness.

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A Missouri woman was arrested for putting Roundup weed killer in her husband’s soda after he wasn’t “appreciative” of the 50th birthday party she threw. The husband called police after noticing his Diet Mountain Dew tasted better.

Heavy rains struck Iowa, causing flooding and leading to concerns of a ‘fecal soup’ as manure storage facilities are damaged. Iowans say they might try the fecal soup, since the food options there are pretty limited.

Police in Los Angeles are considering criminal charges for whoever may have supplied late actor Matthew Perry with a lethal dose of ketamine. Persons of interest include Ugly Naked Guy and Fun Bobby.

More bars & restaurants are restricting entry to customers 30 & over. They say it cuts down on the number of loud, rowdy patrons, and keeps the servers from having to repeatedly say they don’t take Venmo or CashApp as payment next week sometime.

For the second year, Philadelphia was named the Most Walkable City In America by USA Today. For the tenth straight year, it was also named the Most Runnable City While Holding a Stab or Gunshot Wound by the American Medical Association.

Democrats are scrambling to limit the damage caused by President Biden’s disappointing performance in the first presidential debate – seeing if they can move the second debate to Amazon Prime Video or Peacock so fewer people will see it.

The NFL was fined $4.7 billion for violating antitrust laws by selling its ‘Sunday Ticket’ package of out-of-market games solely to DirecTV, and at an inflated price. Damages will be awarded to 26 million household & business customers, with extra punitive damages to anyone who paid specifically to watch Cleveland Browns games.

Oprah Winfrey said in an interview that she once declined an invitation to ‘Miami Vice’ star Don Johnson’s Christmas party because she was too fat – adding she was concerned Crockett would think she was Tubbs.

Taco Bell has entered the ‘Value Meal’ wars with the $7 Luxe Cravings deal. It includes a Chalupa Supreme taco, a 5-layer burrito, a double-stacked taco, chips with nacho cheese sauce, a medium drink, Immodium, and a note from the manager explaining why you can’t come to work tomorrow.

Riders of the New York City subway are concerned about plastic zip ties that appear to be used to hold parts of the track together. The transportation authority replied saying they’re not a concern, they’re just left over from damsels in distress being tied to the tracks by guys in top hats and capes.

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Homeland Security raided the homes of music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as part of an alleged sex trafficking investigation. No further details were given, but the Feds are calling this a Biggie.

Combs’ houses in Miami & Los Angeles were raided, so let it be known Diddy was doing his part bring both East Coast & West Coast rappers together.

The grandmother of two of the ‘Little Rascals’ robbers – aged 11 & 12 – who held up a Wells Fargo Bank in Houston said the teller gave them play money. Nonetheless, the two boys were apprehended at a playground as they ‘made it rain’ while young girls danced on the monkey bars.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce reportedly shut down a Los Angeles gym for a two-hour private workout while members waited and watched outside. As they left, women shouted at Taylor for autographs, and men shouted corrections to her lifting form.

Krispy Kreme is expanding its partnership with McDonald’s and will be sold at all locations by the end of 2026. Customers ordering a Quarter Pounder will be asked if they want the burger or a really big doughnut.

A court lowered Donald Trump’s bond requirement to appeal his financial fraud judgment from $454 million to $175 million, and gave him 10 days to come up with the money. Trump then invited friends from North Korea, Russia & China to Mar a Lago for a Classified Documents Garage Sale.

A container ship struck and collapsed the Francis Scott Key Bridge outside of Baltimore. Viral video showed the action between 1 and 2 a.m., and gave proof through the night that the bridge was not there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a pacemaker. His blood is so heavy, his heart needed help pumping all the iron.

The U.S. Justice Department sued Apple, saying its market share of iPhones is a practical monopoly. Apple plans to drop a countersuit, then pay a fortune to fix the cracks in it.

Former NFL star Eric Decker – husband of viral singer/celebrity Jessie James Decker – announced he’d had a vasectomy after fathering four children. Future babies are not expected to make this latest round of cuts.

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Smoke inhalation from wildfires is linked to dementia. This, after studying bears who survived the fires, but forgot that they shit in what’s left of the woods.

Los Angeles Police are speculating that organized crime or gangs are behind the smash & grab robbery at a Nordstrom store resulting in $300,000 in lost merchandise. Others think some customers are angry they missed discounts at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.

A 13-year-old boy survived a 100-foot fall at the north rim of the Grand Canyon while on a family trip. He’s recovering and was released from the hospital, but his Dad is still pissed that he messed up their plans to drive to Sedona.

Two American tourists got drunk and spent the night sleeping atop the Eiffel Tower. Police in Paris, France say this is a rare occurrence; police in Las Vegas say it happens pretty much every night at the replica outside the Paris hotel.

According to Nielsen, streaming tv viewing hours topped broadcast & cable tv viewing hours for the first time in July, 2023. Researchers cited the increase in the number of streaming services, and Fox News viewers dying in their recliners.

Clarence Avant, a longtime music industry executive known as the ‘Godfather of Black Music’, passed away at age 92. His title now formally passes to Jay-Z.

Margot Robbie is projected to earn as much as $50 million in her role as Executive Producer of the ‘Barbie‘ movie. She plans to invest her real dough to fund her other passion project, ‘Play-Doh‘

FBI agents in Philadelphia launched a raid on a teenager they describe as an “aspiring terrorist’ living in the city. They seized weapons, bomb-making materials, communications with an al-Qaeda affiliate, and multiple Dallas Cowboys jerseys.

A Florida woman allegedly murdered her elderly roommate, then doused herself in Diet Mountain Dew to erase DNA evidence. She was charged with murder while lying in the hospital bed where she’s being treated for second-degree chemical burns.

iPhone users are saying the Emergency SOS feature – which sends messages via satellite to first responders in service outages – saved lives during the Maui wildfires. Although now Apple is warning people to stop using it to locate late pizza deliveries.

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The City of Philadelphia is changing all of its street lights to high-efficiency LED technology, following thousands of complaints from residents who couldn’t see who they were shooting or what car they were jacking.

A 35-year-old Indiana woman died of water toxicity after drinking too much water while on vacation – making one more public relations black eye for Dasani.

A tornado made landfall on Cape Cod earlier in the week – confirmed as a Category EF1, or, according to locals, a Wicked Twistah.

A 65 year old. woman suffered severe leg injuries after being bitten by a shark at New York’s Rockaway Beach. Officials blame warmer water temperatures, and sharks evolving taste for dry aged meat.

Los Angeles municipal workers joined hotel employees, actors, and writers on strike. So that’s pretty much everybody.

Rapper Tory Lanez was sentenced to 10 years in prison for shooting Megan Thee Stallion. She showed her approval for the stiff sentence by clomping her hoof once.

An umpire called up from Triple-A to work first base during Game 1 of a Phillies/Nationals doubleheader had 3 calls overturned by manager challenges. Major League Baseball announced he’s being promoted to Crew Chief.

The Made In America music festival in Philadelphia was cancelled by organizers, citing “severe circumstances outside of production control”. Although insiders say headliner Lizzo had fat-shamed a Benjamin Franklin impersonator, Gritty, and the Phillie Phanatic.

A United States nurse working in Haiti has been released by Haitian gang members who’d kidnapped her & her daughter. She’s thankful to be free and looking forward to being kidnapped in someplace a lot nicer.

Burger King announced a $400 million turnaround plan to reverse declining customer visits – $250 million in restaurant renovations, $150 million in advertising and digital app development, and $0 on the food.

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Producers of The Oscars telecast controversially announced multiple technical awards will not be presented on air, to allow more time for co-host Amy Schumer to tell jokes that she stole.

A hostage standoff at an Apple Store in Amsterdam ended with the hostage fleeing to safety and the captor dying after being hit by a police car. The store will remain closed for a day, then reopen with the hostage still fourth in line at the Genius Bar.

A teen boy collected a $1,800 reward offered by his mother for staying off social media for six years. Then he downloaded Tinder and saw his mother.

Tom Brady will produce and star in ‘80 For Brady‘ – featuring Jane Fonda, Sally Field, Rita Moreno & Lily Tomlin – about four older women who attend the 2017 Super Bowl. Robert Kraft is also making a movie and cast two unknown 50-year-old Asian women.

A female professional clown said her Tinder profile was removed because she wore clown makeup in her profile photos. Tinder officials disputed her claim, saying it wasn’t the makeup, it was a video of her lifting her arms and her pants falling down. [Story h/t to J.K.]

Russia invaded Ukraine – leading to an increase in the price of oil, consumer products and, for some reason, your Comcast/Xfinity bill.

Los Angeles’ $1.2 billion program to build housing for the homeless is resulting in a $837,000 cost to house a single homeless person. Even more incredible, the homeless person is then flipping the house for $950,000.

Kim Kardashian asked a judge for an acceleration of her divorce, saying estranged husband Kanye West’s social media posts are causing her “emotional distress” that she “can’t make money from”.

In a new documentary, deceased comedian Jerry Lewis is accused of sexual harassment by two past female costars, claiming he pressed his doyyynkkk against their voyvinnnnggg!

A neurosurgeon’s recording of an 87-year-old man’s dying brain activity is reinforcing the belief that “life flashes before your eyes” before death – or, at least, the parts with nudity.

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Kansas State Wildcats center Ayoka Lee scored 61 points in their 94-65 win over Oklahoma, breaking an NCAA women’s basketball scoring record previously shared by two other people you’ve never heard of.

A Michigan woman who bought a lottery ticket online found a notification that she’d won $3 million in her email spam folder. She’s now engaged to a Nigerian prince she met via the next email in her spam folder.

Sarah Palin tested positive for COVID-19 just before her defamation trial against the New York Times was to begin. Palin, who is unvacccinated, may opt to get Russia’s Sputnik vaccine since she believes a clinic is very close to her house.

A&E Network will release ‘Secrets of Playboy‘, a docuseries about alleged abusive behavior of Hugh Hefner. It’s 10 episodes long, although most men will skip to the three in the center.

A man stowed away in the wheel well of a jet survived an 11-hour flight from South Africa to Amsterdam. The airline explained he was several frequent flyer miles short of an upgrade.

Bucks County, Pennsylvania passed laws limiting the hours of massage parlors, and making it illegal for customers or employees to expose their genitals. So far, 75 divorced guys have applied to be County Enforcement Officer.

A couple in Tamil Nadu, India – where in-person gatherings are limited – will have their reception in the Metaverse, so 2,000 avatars can attend, including one representing the groom’s deceased father, who’s expected to complain his son didn’t marry a different woman he’d picked out.

Actor James Snyder was fired from his Broadway role portraying Harry Potter, after repeatedly asking a female co-star for a Hufflepuff.

AT&T launched 5-gigabyte-per-second Internet service in Los Angeles, leading blond actors & comics to immediately sign up, thinking they’ve landed five gigs.

100 lab monkeys escaped after their vehicle crashed into a dump truck on a Pennsylvania highway. They were all eventually recaptured, and a professor will soon publish his research paper on why it’s a bad idea to let a monkey drive an 18-wheeler.

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A 47-year-old Florida woman died after her husband sued to have her treated with ivermectin. Ironically, she died of heartworms.

Jewelry retailer Pandora is ending their use of mined diamonds and switching to sustainable lab-made diamonds instead. They say this won’t impact the buying habits of cheap husbands & boyfriends who are out of ideas and buy charm bracelets.

A cat with a genetic mutation was born with four ears. It likes having three of them rubbed, and bites if you touch the fourth.

Experts criticized the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial for having him pick juror numbers at random who will decide his fate. They said it went too far when Rittenhouse drew a 13th juror who will be his Secret Santa.

Ob/gyn Dr. Jennifer Gunter, author of The Vagina Bible, debunked a viral claim that women suffer from “winter vagina” – seasonal irritation caused by dry air. This led to an awkward conversation between Santa & Mrs. Claus, who’s been using it as her go-to excuse for several Christmases.

Los Angeles’ Staples Center – home of the NBA Lakers & NHL Kings – is being renamed the Crypto.com Arena. It’s a 20-year deal that will cost over $700 million in real money.

Activist shareholders of video game maker Activision/Blizzard are calling for CEO Bobby Kotick’s resignation, for failing to act on workplace claims of sexual harassment, and for making female soldiers in Call of Duty games wear camouflage bikinis.

CDC data show drug overdose deaths reached record highs during the pandemic – meaning so did drug abusers, kinda.

The CDC data showed the leading cause of overdose death was fentanyl, and the rarest death was one guy who really got carried away with Nugenix.

Attendees at the Baby2Baby charity gala in Los Angeles – dedicated to helping children in poverty – audibly groaned when Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos only donated $500,000. In a gift code.

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Pfizer says its COVID vaccine is safe and effective for children as young as 5. Kindergarten teachers report an increasing number of students playing ‘house’ having domestic disputes over who’s getting it.

A gunman at a Russian university killed 8 people. He was offered a scholarship by several universities in the Southern U.S.

Actor Seth Rogen criticized the Emmy Awards for allowing attendees to sit inside without wearing masks. Rogen then went outside and treated his healthy lungs to some weed.

Amazon is releasing its new Kindle Paperwhite e-readers, following a successful field trial with women and men using them while walking 0.5mph on the treadmill you’re waiting to use at the gym.

SpaceX founder Elon Musk mocked President Joe Biden for failing to congratulate the first all-civilian SpaceX crew who orbited Earth and returned Saturday. The mission raised $200 million for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and even more for Musk.

Zoos are immunizing large mammals for COVID-19, deciding it’s the best route to take after multiple zookeepers lost limbs trying to put masks on tigers and gorillas.

Pregnant Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott took daughter Stormi to the Houston Zoo. As a rhino walked away, Stormi pointed and said “Aunt Kim!”

Former UFC fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller was arrested and taken to a Los Angeles jail, where he was booked as Jason “Domestic Violence & Resisting Arrest” Miller.

Amazon is casting a tv commercial featuring Buffalo Bills fans, where they’ll pay a fan $1,100 to dive on, and break, a folding table. Casting agents expect to take about three years to sift through 70,000 audition videos.

A mother at a Texas school board meeting objected to a middle school library book for its depiction of anal sex. The district removed two copies of the book, but is waiting for ten more copies that kids checked out immediately following the mother’s speech.

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Five employees were injured when a tornado ripped through Faulkner GMC/Buick in the Philadelphia suburbs. Owners, however, wanted to clarify that this is not to be confused with their End-Of-July Tornado of Savings Event.

The first wave of Afghanistan evacuees – residents who helped U.S. Troops – arrived in Virginia. They were treated to tours of Colonial Williamsburg, and immediately asked to go back to Afghanistan.

A woman broke the world record by delivering nine babies. She’s planning to feed them with a breast pump attached to a sprinkler.

House Republicans are protesting the mask mandate by walking to the Senate chamber, where masks aren’t required, and where Congressman Matt Gaetz heard it was the Senate’s ‘Take Your Daughter To Work’ Day.

Los Angeles approved an ordinance criminalizing homelessness. Homeless people are turning themselves in on days where they like the menu at the county jail.

People in Missouri are wearing disguises to get COVID-19 vaccines so their conservative friends won’t shun them. Missouri’s Department of Health said they’ve issued a record number of vaccine cards to Frankenstein, Freddy Krueger & Jason Voorhees.

Scarlett Johansson is suing Disney, saying their decision to co-premiere Marvel Studios ‘Black Widow’ on Disney+ led to her losing out on back-end compensation. The lawsuit appears ugly, and also jeopardizes Johansson’s upcoming role in ‘That Darn Cat 2’.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ Ali Fedotowski, 36, told her Instagram followers that she contracted shingles. She said it surprised her because of her age, and because she’s never been on a roof in her entire life.

The Winklevoss Twins band played their first live gig. They call themselves The Righteous Brothers because they thought of it first.

Donald Trump is selling one of his personal helicopters. No selling price is listed, but its estimated value is around $1 million – minus whatever it costs to get the smells of McDonald’s and bronzer out of it.