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Divorce rates among married couples over 60 are rising faster than any other age category – in part because married men over 60 are rising slower than any other age category.

Israel’s Parliament voted to ban Al Jazeera network from the country, accusing it of inciting violence and anti-Semitism. They also voted to ban Cartoon Network, accusing it of inciting violence between cats and mice.

Madonna wrapped up her world tour with a free concert on Rio de Janeiro’s Copacabana Beach, which reportedly attracted 1.6 million people. It marked an attendance record, and a record for the most people to look at a 65-year-old woman on a Brazilian beach.

At a Mar-a-Lago fundraising event, Donald Trump compared the Biden Administration to the Gestapo. Trump’s cronies supported him, saying Trump honestly believes Gestapo was one of the Marx Brothers.

Victorias Secret supermodel Elle Macpherson again lowered the price of her Coral Gables, Florida mansion. First she lowered it from $29 million to $27 million, then again to $22 million. For the right buyer she’ll even throw in her lingerie hamper.

Actress Emily Blunt told Howard Stern that kissing some of her male co-stars made her sick to her stomach. She wouldn’t name names, but said that finding a Scientology pamphlet stuffed in to her pocket afterwards didn’t help.

Creatine supplements may boost cognitive performance after a poor night’s sleep. This, according to gym-rat meatheads who slept poorly but took creatine to remember that today’s Leg Day, bra’.

The top lawyer for the Republican National Committee resigned after just two months, citing “time commitment conflicts”. In other words, there wasn’t enough time in the day for him to keep up with all of Donald Trump’s felony trials.

High-end fitness chain Equinox is offering a $40,000-per-year ‘Optimize By Equinox’ program, focusing on longevity, that includes personal training, nutrition plans, sleep coaching and massage therapy. Not to be outdone, Planet Fitness announced they’re offering members free Meat Lovers pizza in addition to plain cheese.

The fiance of a Wisconsin teacher who admitted ‘making out’ with one of her fifth grade students has called off the wedding. He said he’s embarrassed and heartbroken, but that he now understands why there were three kids tables planned for the reception.

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Homeland Security raided the homes of music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as part of an alleged sex trafficking investigation. No further details were given, but the Feds are calling this a Biggie.

Combs’ houses in Miami & Los Angeles were raided, so let it be known Diddy was doing his part bring both East Coast & West Coast rappers together.

The grandmother of two of the ‘Little Rascals’ robbers – aged 11 & 12 – who held up a Wells Fargo Bank in Houston said the teller gave them play money. Nonetheless, the two boys were apprehended at a playground as they ‘made it rain’ while young girls danced on the monkey bars.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce reportedly shut down a Los Angeles gym for a two-hour private workout while members waited and watched outside. As they left, women shouted at Taylor for autographs, and men shouted corrections to her lifting form.

Krispy Kreme is expanding its partnership with McDonald’s and will be sold at all locations by the end of 2026. Customers ordering a Quarter Pounder will be asked if they want the burger or a really big doughnut.

A court lowered Donald Trump’s bond requirement to appeal his financial fraud judgment from $454 million to $175 million, and gave him 10 days to come up with the money. Trump then invited friends from North Korea, Russia & China to Mar a Lago for a Classified Documents Garage Sale.

A container ship struck and collapsed the Francis Scott Key Bridge outside of Baltimore. Viral video showed the action between 1 and 2 a.m., and gave proof through the night that the bridge was not there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a pacemaker. His blood is so heavy, his heart needed help pumping all the iron.

The U.S. Justice Department sued Apple, saying its market share of iPhones is a practical monopoly. Apple plans to drop a countersuit, then pay a fortune to fix the cracks in it.

Former NFL star Eric Decker – husband of viral singer/celebrity Jessie James Decker – announced he’d had a vasectomy after fathering four children. Future babies are not expected to make this latest round of cuts.

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Donald Trump referred to himself as ‘Honest Don’ in a Truth Social post. And followed that up by announcing the grand opening Mar a Lago Used Auto Mall.

Five Iron Golf – an chain of indoor golf simulators, is growing in popularity and attracting investors. Many golfers actually prefer it because every 18 holes they save at least a half hour they’d spend looking for lost balls.

Kim Kardashian shared her facial treatment on Instagram before attending the Vanity Fair Oscar Party – disappointing millions of followers who only saw Kim Kardashian Facial.

Kim’s Oscar night face regimen was detailed in a series of videos, whose collective run time was exceeded only by Killers Of The Flower Moon.

Madonna criticized a fan attending her concert for sitting down, then realized the fan was sitting in a wheelchair. Madonna later called out the fan for Vogue’ing with just their arms.

There’s growing concern among parents & child development experts over ‘Sephora Kids’ – tweens that spend money on expensive adult skincare regimens. It’s so bad, girls are tossing out Malibu Barbie because they’re worried about her melanoma risk.

A man in Lehigh County, Pennsylvania is wanted for exposing himself to a group of kids walking their dog. He escaped before the dog could positively ID him by sniffing his butt.

Crime in Oakland, California has reached the point where all Taco Bell locations are drive-thru only. Employees are delighted that they no longer have to clean the restrooms, although their job hosing down the parking lot is no picnic, either.

Wesley Burris, a New Mexico man who was treated for radiation exposure after 1945 nuclear tests there, said he has no ill will toward the movie ‘Oppenheimer‘. He does, however, want his money back for ‘Madame Web’.

A British influencer said a trip to Thailand showed her how expensive her life in England is, and that she’s cutting out four things that save her almost $1,000 month – daily coffees, restaurant dinners, new clothes, and trips to Thailand.

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Spirit Airlines put an unaccompanied 6-year-old on the wrong flight out of Philadelphia. Spirit announced they’re discontinuing their ‘Home Alone: Lost In Orlando’ fare sale.

For his part, the 6-year-old told Florida State Police he was just happy to be out of Philadelphia.

General Motors announced the Cadillac Celestiq – a hand-built fully-electric vehicle costing $300,000, made to appeal to environmentally-conscious pimps.

Russian opposition leader Aleksei Navalny wrote a letter saying he’d been moved to a penal colony in Siberia. He said he’s given one daily hour of outdoor recreation, followed by four hours of treatment for frostbite.

Beyonce’s former childhood home in Houston suffered minor fire damage on Christmas morning. The fire was quickly extinguished by members of Color Me Badd working their new jobs.

Microsoft launched its Copilot AI app for Android phones, just in time for Arizona State students to ask it to write their spring semester term papers.

Donald Trump posted Christmas messages to social media, telling his opponents to “ROT IN HELL”. Coincidentally, ROTINHELL is also the discount code for tickets to the Mar-a-Lago New Year’s Eve party.

A same-sex nativity scene in Italy, depicting the baby Jesus with two mothers, was slammed as ‘blasphemous’ by the same people who would have you believe one of the women got knocked up without having sex at all.

A new study evalutes the viability of launching a nuclear explosive “millions of miles” into space to prevent an asteroid from striking Earth. People living near the SpaceX launch site just want time to get the hell out of town in case things go sideways.

Sonja Semyonova, a Canadian woman, calls herself an ‘ecosexual’ and claims to be in love with an oak tree. “Me too” said a Canadian guy standing next to a knothole on the other side of the tree.

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A Southern California school district will pay $2.25 million to a male student who impregnated his teacher when he was 14, settling his sexual abuse claim. He’s unsure whether he’ll use the money for college, or to buy a house so his teacher can move in after she’s paroled.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante has been on the run in the Philadelphia suburbs for two weeks, and reportedly stole a white van with a refrigeration unit. Neighborhood kids are warned not to approach the unmarked ice cream truck playing ‘La Bamba‘ and the ‘Narcos‘ theme.

Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr. are holding a fundraising dinner at Mar-a-Lago to help pay the legal bills of his co-conspirators in the Georgia election fraud case. It was to be held at Golden Corral, but Eric & Don Jr were banned for repeatedly sticking their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Elon Musk took to X to say his brain implant company, Neuralink, has never caused the death of a monkey with a chip in its brain, saying they only chose terminally ill monkeys. However, he won’t say what the terminal monkeys were instructed to do, or why they were given guns and plane tickets to Ukraine.

An alleged shooter in a Northeast Philadelphia bar fight fled the scene, but then returned there to surrender. And close out his tab. And get one last $3 well drink.

A shooting at a Vineland, New Jersey hospital was determined to be self-inflicted. The resident doctor said he needed the practice for dealing with bullet wounds.

Jelly-maker Smuckers is acquiring Twinkie-maker Hostess for $5.6 billion, in an aggressive attempt to steal market share in the Empty Calories category.

Google is raising subscription prices for its Nest video security products – making it 33% more expensive to determine whose dog is pooping on your lawn.

A British mother is furious that her daughters’ school policy against branded apparel means they can’t wear their Vivienne Westwood shoes. She’s also furious that they have to walk a half-mile from the helipad where they’re dropped off in the morning.

The ‘Halloween‘ house where Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie Strode character lived is up for sale in Los Angeles. The realtor says stabbings are no longer a problem, but that the property has been upgraded with bars and bulletproof windows.

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Actor Hugh Jackman warned the public of the dangers of skin cancer after undergoing a procedure to remove cancerous lesions. He said to wear sunscreen, but make sure you remove your Wolverine claws before putting it on.

Donald Trump told a crowd of dopes at Mar a Lago that the only crime he ever committed is fearlessly defending the U.S. from those who seek to destroy it – reinforcing the notion that Trump doesn’t even know what “crime” means.

Pornhub users searched “Stormy Daniels” over 650,000 times on Tuesday – and if you push away the other stuff, you can see the smile all over her face.

Viral video confirmed a rumor that Taylor Swift is secretly transported to the stage of her Eras Tour hidden in a janitor’s cart. A new rumor started that her dancers now stand further away on stage because she reeks of Pine Sol.

Businesses and influencers are angry that 22,000 job cuts at Facebook & Instagram “gutted” the customer service department. Reached for comment, Mark Zuckerberg said “wait, we had a customer service department??”

Tiger Woods appeared at The Masters, but said he doesn’t know “how many more I have in me”. Hostesses at Augusta-area restaurants also aren’t sure how many more times they can have Woods in them.

Brandon Johnson will be the next Mayor of Chicago, after winning a runoff election with Paul Vallas. Johnson took 20 minutes at his victory celebration stopping supporters from yelling ‘Let’s Go Brandon’.

Website Nameberry says “old money” baby names are trending – like Antigone, Emeline & Pandora for girls and Alistair, Piers & Sumner for boys. Coincidentally, “old money” names are projected to be “new bullying victim” names in about eight years.

Actress Kaley Cuoco gave birth to a daughter, Matilda, 9 months after a big bang with boyfriend Tom Pelphrey.

Kim Kardashian took her family on a vacation to Japan, spending countless hours fielding questions from her children on why everyone’s butt is so flat there.

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Bills safety Damar Hamlin was released from a Cincinnati hospital and returned to Buffalo – marking one of the first times a trip to Buffalo in January is considered an upgrade.

Philadelphia’s Chinatown residents and business owners formed a coalition opposed to the Philadelphia 76ers building a new downtown arena, saying it would cause gridlock. They were joined in their opposition to gridlock by hundreds of the city’s carjackers.

Instagram is redesigning their home page. The new, simpler navigation will be split between ‘Tits’ and ‘Other Things’.

Passengers were stuck on an Amtrak train for over 24 hours in South Carolina. In a statement, Southwest Airlines denied reports it had acquired Amtrak.

A Norfolk, Massachusetts man spent $450 on cleaning supplies at Home Depot following the disappearance of his wife. The man denies any involvement, and just wants his wife to come home and get her birthday presents.

Classified government documents were found in a locked closet at the Penn Biden Center, a joint venture think tank between the University of Pennsylvania and President Biden. Far fewer documents were found there than at Donald Trump’s joint venture think tank, the McDonaldland Mar a Lago Center.

Lynette Hardaway, an African-American Trump supporter who, along with her sister Rochelle Richardson, formed conservative duo ‘Diamond & Silk’, passed away. In other news, ‘Blacks For Trump’ announced a name change to ‘A Black For Trump’.

The Federal Aviation Administration grounded all U.S. flights after a computer outage. Things were up & running again after they spent two hours in the tech support queue at Comcast Business Internet.

Pepsi is replacing lemon-lime soda brand Sierra Mist with Starry. They said it sort of rhymes with ‘sorry’, as in “Sorry, we don’t have Sprite, we have Starry”.

New York City nurses are on strike. Greyhound, Bolt Bus and Megabus are all offering express service to Philadelphia & Chicago, cities better equipped to deal with gunshot wounds.

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New Zealand will tax agricultural emissions – generated from the dung, urine & burps of cows and sheep – in an effort to curb climate change. Although hiring employees to measure the gas is difficult given the likelihood of comas and death from asphyxiation.

Brett Favre said he’s being “unjustly smeared” for his role redirecting Mississippi welfare funds to a sports facility at Mississippi State University. Favre said he knows a thing or two about unjust smears, having given them with his junk to NFL team massage therapists.

A jury found Infowars’ Alex Jones must pay nearly $1 billion in damages to families of Sandy Hook shooting victims. Jones’ bank accounts are expected to go from a ‘deep state’ to empty.

Two Florida men in separate cars were charged with shooting each other’s daughters during a road rage incident. It’s unclear which car got the good parking spot at Chuck E. Cheese.

Khloe Kardashian told fans she had surgery to remove a small cancerous tumor from her cheek. Since it was her ninth facial procedure, she’ll get the 10th one free.

A Texas family of five was sentenced for storming the Capitol together in the January 6th riots. In other news, Fox News has ordered a sitcom reboot of ‘Party Of Five’.

A Mar a Lago employee told the FBI that Donald Trump ordered him to move boxes from a storage room to his on-site residence. The boxes are alleged to contain classified documents, and a month’s worth of McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces.

Social Security payments will incorporate an 8.7% cost-of-living increase in 2023, the highest such increase in 40 years. Manufacturers of wheelchairs and mobility scooters report a surge in demand for custom rims.

Minnesota resident Travis Gienger’s 2,560 pound pumpkin won the World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off in Half Moon Bay, Calif. Gienger returned with his prize to his Minnesota home, where 40 punks smashed it in his driveway overnight.

A dromedary camel was walked by his handler in the drive-thru of an In-N-Out burger restaurant in Las Vegas because the camel loves the french fries. However, it left disappointed because they wouldn’t accept payment from the camel’s American Express card.

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Vladimir Putin decreed plans to annex four territories to make them officially part of Russia – three in occupied Ukraine, and Mar-a-Lago.

Lebron James is buying a Major League Pickleball team. “I will be taking my talents to Miami” said the team’s 79-year-old captain.

Google announced that its Maps navigation app will ‘vibe check’ new neighborhoods you’re visiting, based on artificial intelligence and user feedback. Drivers exploring new Philadelphia and Chicago neighborhoods report getting lots of ‘carjack vibes’.

A study claims the average person has sex 5,778 times in a lifetime. Women report the 5,778 sexual encounters lead to roughly four orgasms.

A new docuseries ‘I Love You, You Hate Me’ explores the dark side of children’s show Barney & Friends, including the purple dinosaur’s illicit workplace relationship with costar Baby Bop.

Amazon is rolling out the first major software update for its $999 robot dog, Astro. Owners are hopeful it will reduce incidents of the dog pissing on the rug.

Mark Zuckerberg’s Little-League baseball card sold for $120,000. The back of the card listed Zuckerberg’s personal statistics, and instructions on how to access the personal information of several billion other people.

Elon Musk said Tesla’s Cybertruck – arriving in 2023 – will be able to temporarily serve as a boat. “Wow, just in the nick of time!” said residents of Florida’s Gulf Coast.

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Los Angeles landed in Texas because a female passenger repeatedly yelled “we’re all going to die!” The woman explained that by ‘we’ she meant everyone else who ordered the chicken salad snack box.

Apple executive Tony Blevins, vice president of procurement, is leaving the company after appearing in a Tik Tok video saying he “has rich cars, plays golf, and fondles big-breasted women” for a living. Blevins now plans to pursue a career in rap.

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Top seed Iga Swiatek of Poland complained that women in the U.S. Open tennis championships use lighter tennis balls than those played in men’s matches. Swiatek prefers playing with men’s balls.

A federal judge ruled a Special Master must review documents seized in a raid at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort. The Justice Department is suspicious, because the Special Master requested a Special Servant to deliver Big Macs and Diet Cokes.

A man stirred controversy by using a text-to-image artificial intelligence program to win first prize in the Digital Art competition at the Colorado State Fair, angering other entrants. Worse, the text he entered to create his art was ‘dogs playing poker’.

A North Carolina family demands answers after a teacher hit their 16-year-old son in the head with a textbook for talking in class. His parents, who attended Catholic School in the 70s, wonder why the teacher didn’t hit him harder.

Scientists created viable mouse embryos without the use of sperm or an egg – which may help families having difficulty conceiving children. But for now, the scientists need help trapping the lab-created mice.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck attended the Malibu Chili Cook-Off together. JLo was seen consulting with the 90 Day Fiance woman who sells her farts in a jar to see how to cash in on her visit.

A man snuck into a dressing room at the Tropicana Las Vegas during a magic show and masturbated while sitting on a couch. Despite saying “abracadabra” multiple times, his lovely assistant never appeared.

A female mortician on Tik Tok claims the pre-embalming ritual for corpses is like a “spa treatment”. She said cremation is like a “hot stone massage”, only the stones are 1000 degrees.

80,000 attendees sat in traffic jams as long as 12 hours to leave the Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert – while joining the Urinating Behind Your Open Car Door festival.

A retired female jockey started an Only Fans account selling nude content. She’s currently settling a dispute about how much money to share with the horse.