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Google is launching an artificial intelligence research center in China. The launch has been delayed as two top executives of the center have already been dismissed for sexual harassment of sentient robots.

The crew aboard the International Space Station will be getting a special screening of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Although astronauts are balking at the $650,000 price tag for a bucket of popcorn and large Coke.

Democrat Doug Jones was declared the winner of the U.S. Senate race in Alabama, defeating Republican Roy Moore. With Moore projected to have so much free time, shopping malls in Alabama are increasing security details.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced its newest inductees, including Bon Jovi, Cars, Moody Blues and Dire Straits. Among bands failing to make the cut – Radiohead, who finished the voting slightly behind The Noise An Old Dial-Up Modem Makes.

Following Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s call for him to resign, President Trump tweeted that she is a “lightweight” and a “flunky” who “would do anything” to get campaign contributions from him. “Yeah! She’d do anything for money!” said First Lady Melania Trump.

USA Today issued a scathing editorial Wednesday, saying Trump was unfit to clean the toilets at the Obama or George W. Bush libraries. Considering he can barely bend over to pick his own golf ball out of the cup, they may have a point.

In Indiana, a 2-year-old boy watching his sister’s 5-year-old junior wrestling match ran into the ring and tried dragging her opponent away. The referee halted the match momentarily, as the girl wrestler scolded her brother for white-knighting and being part of the under-6 wrestling patriarchy.

To cope with record online consumer spending and package delivery volume, UPS implemented a 70-hour, eight-day workweek for its drivers. “That’s it?” said Chinese teenagers assembling iPhones.

Following NFL Network’s suspensions of on-air talent for alleged misconduct, sports reporter Lindsay McCormick said that the NFL Network’s former head of hiring talent asked her in a job interview if she planned to get “knocked up”. The man claimed he was referring to the network’s poorly-named weekly montage of helmet-to-helmet hits, ‘Knocked Up’.

Cheshire Cheese Company in the U.K. is introducing Gin & Lemon flavored cheese, hoping to expand its market to fans of rapper Snoop Dogg.

 

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Former nude model and current First Lady Melania Trump tweeted to honor ‘Pearl Harbor Heroes’, but typed in the wrong date, November 7, 1941 instead of December 7. Melania’s assistant explained that the November 7 date was intended for a different tweet, honoring the heroes of the Bergdorf Goodman November shoe sale.

A Delta flight from New York to Seattle had to make an unscheduled stop in Montana because the toilets stopped working. “They worked fine for me” said one passenger as he tossed out the remnants of three Taco Bell 5 Buck Boxes.

U.K. firefighters responded to a call to free a 22-year-old man who had cemented his head inside of a microwave while filming a YouTube stunt. The man was freed after an hour, and complained that his head was very hot in some spots, but still cold in others.

Discount retailer Dollar General plans to open 900 stores in 2018 — or more, depending on how fast they can get Sears and KMart to move out.

Anheuser-Busch ordered 40 electric trucks from Tesla; the brewing giant was impressed that the trucks could drive themselves, even while drunk.

Bitcoin hit a new record high of $17,000 on Friday, then dropped over $3,000 in value that same morning, worrying the new breed of currency speculators who work at Burger King.

Ford announced it’s investing $900 million in a Michigan plant to make self-driving cars. Once built, the cars will be evaluated on how long they can drive themselves around Detroit without getting stolen.

Amid the fallout from scandals involving Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Brett Ratner and others, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences approved new Standards of Conduct for members in the film and tv industries. Only now nobody wants to produce movies or tv shows anymore.

Police in the New York City suburb of Clarkstown are warning residents to stay away from a hybrid wolf/coyote, known as a ‘coywolf’. The animal weighs 75 pounds, has a grey coat, and has been asking pedestrians if they want to see his puppies in a van.

Arby’s is introducing the Arbynator, a french-fry filled sandwich. Arby’s now has the meats, has the potatoes, and has no more ideas.

The U.S. Economy added 228,000 jobs in November. The Labor Department cited growth in Manufacturing, Santa Clauses, and roles in tv ads with elves in them.

 

 

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CNN declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party this Friday, citing the President’s continued attacks on freedom of the press. The party is seen as a time for reporters to mingle with administration officials, and to hear carolers sing some of the President’s seasonal favorites like “White Christmas” and “Blood and Soil”.

Melania Trump also declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party, saying she has a thing she booked over a year ago.

A New Hampshire doctor who refuses to use a computer lost her medical license, but continues to practice because she never got the email.

Victoria became the first Australian state to legalize euthanasia. Soon, terminally ill patients will be able to box a kangaroo to their death.

Bitcoin topped $11,000 for the first time, leading confused, cash-strapped seniors to turn the pockets of their church pants inside-out looking for one.

Matt Lauer was fired by NBC News after a report of sexual misconduct at the Sochi Winter Olympics. The news was reported by NBC’s Brian Williams, who filed a story that he witnessed the alleged misconduct, rescued the woman and then won a gold medal in men’s alpine ski jumping.

The United Kingdom will allow over-the-counter Viagra sales starting in the spring. The move is expected to create hundreds of new jobs as middle-aged men pay teenagers to go buy Viagra for them.

Marvel Studios released a new trailer for Avengers: Infinity War — depicting Iron Man, Hulk, Black Panther, Captain America, Black Widow and about 20 other Marvel heroes checking their watches 90 minutes into Justice League.

ESPN is laying off 150 more employees, none of whom are Rex Ryan or Randy Moss. Come on, man!

92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury stirred controversy when she said that women must sometimes “take the blame” for men’s sexual harassment. Many reacted in disbelief that Lansbury was actually pretty hot-looking 70 years ago.

 

 

 

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YouTube apologized for a widely-reported glitch in its search algorithm. When users entered the query “How to have..”, YouTube completed it with suggestions like “..sex with children.” Users who searched “How to have sex with children” were taken to the YouTube channel of ‘Roy Moore for Senate’.

The FBI reported a record number of background checks for gun purchases on Black Friday, although many buyers decided to skip the waiting period and buy Assault Weapon Gift Cards instead.

Lyft received approval to test self-driving cars on public roads in California, but only after regulators made them put mannequins of old Asian women behind the wheel, so human drivers will have someone to be angry at.

Arby’s announced a $2.4 Billion acquisition of Buffalo Wild Wings, then threatened to call off the deal when they found out blue cheese costs extra.

National massage chain Massage Envy is accused of 180 sexual assaults. Most all of the accusers are women, and a few men who mistakenly used the word “happy” during their session.

Conservative billionaires the Koch Brothers funded $600 Million of Meredith Publishing’s planned acquisition of Time, Inc. Time’s CEO assured employees that the Kochs’ views will not influence Time publications’ content; however, Sports Illustrated magazine has been told to rush work on February’s Pantsuit Issue.

Facebook is using artificial intelligence to detect suicidal posts before they’re reported by users’ friends. Facebook execs said the tool has been tested extensively and now knows to exclude weekend posts from Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills fans.

CBS cancelled Jeremy Piven’s freshman drama ‘Wisdom of the Crowd‘ after 13 episodes, proving the crowd really does have wisdom after all.

England’s Prince Harry is engaged to American actress Meghan Markle. The news was broken when Markle’s iCloud account was hacked, revealing dozens of nude selfies of her wearing only a tiara.

President Trump caused controversy when he met with Native American World War II veteran ‘Code Talkers’ to again call Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’. After the meeting, the decorated veterans called Melania Trump a Navajo name meaning “Woman who poses naked for money.”

 

 

 

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During Melania Trump’s visit to Tokyo, she will be protected by an all-female security unit, which is what they’re calling the women who work at Gucci.

Dame Judi Dench said in an interview with Britain’s Sky News that she feels ’emotionally torn’ by the rampant Hollywood sexual misconduct allegations, and ‘physically left out of them’.

BMW is recalling one million vehicles to address a fire risk. The U.S. Postal Service is calling it 2017’s largest Mass Mailing To Huge Douchebags, surpassing invitations to the Presidential Inaugural Ball.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan trumpeted the simplicity of the proposed GOP Tax Plan revisions, saying 95% of Americans could file their tax return on a postcard, leaving most Americans wondering how to send a postcard from their computer.

The University of Notre Dame said they will no longer cover birth control for students and staff. The move is expected to have no impact on the football and basketball teams, who are neither.

  • If you think they’re Fighting Irish now, wait’ll you see the arguments over who should use protection.

Finnish airline Finnair is asking passengers to volunteer to be weighed along with their luggage prior to boarding. The airline said they’re trying to validate their estimates of a jet’s total weight. They’re also trying to placate passengers whose bags they lose that they’ve lost 40 pounds!

A screenwriter and actress have both accused Dustin Hoffman of sexual harassment. “Mr Hoffman, are you trying to seduce me?” they said.

Users of the new iPhone 8 are saying that a ‘discreet calling’ feature allowing for stealth help calls by users in danger is causing frequent, accidental 911 calls. Exasperated 911 operators are also saying that while iPhone users have them on the line, they ask how to change their settings.

Dealing with his own allegations of sexual misconduct, Jeremy Piven returned to the set of CBS drama Wisdom Of The Crowd. Piven denied the allegations, and believes they’ll be overshadowed by the announcement of his show being cancelled in two weeks.

President Trump told a local radio show that he’d “love to get involved” with the Department of Justice, even though he’s not supposed to. Said Justice Department-appointed special counsel Robert Mueller “Then I have some great news for him!”

President Trump’s personal Twitter account was taken down for 11 minutes on Thursday. Twitter explained that it was done by a contract worker on their last day there. The contractor awoke Friday to an inbox filled with more job offers than they know what to do with.

 

 

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An Australian woman discovered a giant earthworm above ground after torrential rains. The worm measured two feet, until she handed it to her husband and it shrank to three inches.

The American Chemical Society released results of tests on lab mice to determine how much Halloween candy kids would have to eat before they died. Lethal levels were 500 gummy worms, 400 fun-size candy bars or 2200 pieces of candy corn. The saddest part of the study was disposing of dozens of dead mice in Wonder Woman and Iron Man costumes.

Samsung released a version of its Galaxy Note 8 in blue. The case is still black, but if you look at the tip of the flames you can see blue.

A New England doctor used Butterfly IQ – an ultrasound that pairs with an iPhone app – to detect his own cancer. The cancerous mass was blocking part of his neck, and also blocking the birds from completely destroying the pigs’ elaborate towers.

A Discover survey asked 1,000 Americans what would make them feel like they really “made it”, and 53% said having a housekeeper. Separately, 53% of housekeepers feel they’ve really made it once they pawned the jewelry they swiped from successful clients.

President Trump declared the opioid crisis a Public Health Emergency, and said the government would produce “really tough, really great advertising” to prevent people from starting opioids. The Senate floor was closed off as filming began on the first ad, starring Mitch McConnell as a gold-chain & backward-hat wearing drug lord.

  • Melania Trump pledged her personal involvement in the war on opioids, striking fear into the hearts of OxyContin and Fentanyl dealers operating out of Bergdorf Goodman dressing rooms.

President Trump’s Happy Birthday message on Twitter – intended for singer Lee Greenwood – was tagged with the wrong Lee Greenwood, a Washington D.C. lawyer. The lawyer gladly stood up and defended the bill for $100 he sent to Trump for the time he took to read the tweet.

Simon Cowell was rushed to the hospital after falling down the stairs of his London home. Celebrities and former American Idol contestants sent flowers to the house, hoping that the stairs were okay.

A Rolex watch once owned by the late Paul Newman sold at auction for $17.8 million, a record for watches. The anonymous purchaser is said to have expressed remorse when he realized there isn’t a step counter on it.

President Trump released the first batch of confidential government records surrounding the JFK Assassination. Among the early revelations: “boxers”.

 

 

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Amazon announced a trial of Amazon Key, a service utilizing security cameras that allow delivery persons’ entry to Prime members’ homes to drop off packages. Amazon said the concept tested very favorably with single moms who rate their UPS guy an 8 or higher.

Bangkok, Thailand is holding a Royal Cremation Ceremony for King Bhumibol Adulyadej, who died a year ago. The Thai cremation does not utilize fire; they just keep stuffing red chilis in the King’s mouth until his body burns up.

The NAACP, citing what they believe are racially-motivated incidents, has advised black passengers to avoid flying on American Airlines. The NAACP’s warning was swiftly echoed for different reasons by everyone else who has ever flown American Airlines.

A Twitter poll from Men’s Health magazine found the top answer to “What pisses you off most at the gym?’ was ‘machine hogging’, followed by ‘not wiping down equipment’, followed by ‘being there’.

Ford Motor Company announced a major shakeup, promoting five women to senior executive positions. Corporate earnings forecasts were adjusted downward, due to higher heating costs for the women’s offices.

A test of popular baby food brands by the Clean Label Project found that over a third of the samples tested positive for lead, and over 60% were positive for arsenic. Parents are said to be concerned about the arsenic, but that the lead actually leaves their babies feeling pretty full.

Kellogg’s will replace boxes of Corn Pops after getting complaints that the box art – depicting cartoon corn pops at a shopping mall – is racially insensitive. The pops are mostly shown playing around, but a lone brown corn pop in the scene is a janitor waxing the floor. Kellogg’s apologized, saying the janitor was supposed to be working on a box of Cocoa Krispies.

Figures from the British Horse Racing Authority show that thoroughbreds owned by England’s Queen Elizabeth II have earned her $8 million over the last 30 years. Although another report from the British Gaming Authority shows that she’s lost $20 million on craps.

A four-time Iditarod dog sled champion, who finished second in this year’s race, claimed sabotage after his four dogs tested positive for opioid painkillers. Other mushers aren’t so sure, noting the dogs’ poor obedience school grades and a stolen prescription pad found in their doghouse.

President Trump pushed back at outgoing GOP senators and outspoken critics Bob Corker and Jeff Flake, describing his visit to the Senate to push tax reform as a “love fest”. He then returned to the White House to meet with Melania, in what observers described as a “frigid fest.”

 

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Marilou Danley, girlfriend of Las Vegas mass shooter Stephen Paddock, released a statement calling Paddock “a kind, quiet caring man”. Danley’s family released a statement calling Marilou “not great at reading people”.

A Florida woman was charged with felony fraud for repeatedly putting glass shards in her food and cutting her mouth to get free meals at restaurants. Police reported that she perpetrated the scam at 11 restaurants in 11 days – succeeding everywhere but Old Country Buffet, where she was 10th in line for medical attention.

Archaeologists in Turkey are claiming to have discovered the tomb of Saint Nicholas, as well as several thousand tombs of tiny elves.

Japanese Public Broadcasting network NHK said that labor officials concluded a 31 year-old employee died from heart failure caused by overwork. NHK said Miwa Sado had logged 159 hours of overtime in the month before her death and, worse, didn’t get a single person to donate to their pledge drive.

Google unveiled its new Pixel 2 smartphones. They’re including a new feature called Lens – where you point your camera at something to get more information about it. So you can point at a dog to see what breed it is, or point it at a person to see if they have sex on the first date or get their Social Security number.

The National Hockey League kicked off its 100th season. Several teams invited legendary players to pregame ceremonies at center ice to drop their teeth.

ProPublica reports that many cash-strapped cities are paying for-profit charter schools fees for students who never attend. Conversely, tobacco companies are enjoying record truancy for students they’re paying to smoke in the woods next to the charter schools.

The American Automobile Association (AAA) Foundation for Traffic Safety cites in-car infotainment systems as a growing cause of accidents, and released its list of the most-distracting vehicle systems. Topping the list is the Audi Q7 QPP, whose screen allows GPS programming on the fly and one-touch German porn.

President Trump and First Lady Melania returned from Las Vegas. Trump will  focus on progress for tax reform, and Melania will be busy picking out shoes for the next disaster.

British author Kazuo Ishiguro won the Nobel Prize for literature. The Nobel academy described his work as a ‘mix of Jane Austen and Kafka..with a little bit of Marcel Proust’. Meaning, you’ll never read any of his books.

 

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Equifax has been awarded a $7 million contract by the IRS to help prevent fraudulent tax claims; Equifax auditors then announced that they’re missing $7 million.

A 900 year-old Chinese bowl sold for $38 Million. The bowl was in remarkable condition, except for a scratches from crab legs piled so high that no one else at the buffet got any.

Melania Trump will travel with the President to Las Vegas in the wake of Sunday’s deadly shooting. There are reports that she wants to donate blood. The Red Cross has asked her what type, and she said “rich”.

  • In addition to her request to donate blood, she also asked for a donated pint of blood to drink on the ride home.
  • Observers could tell the trip to Las Vegas was a somber occasion, since Melania chose black stiletto heels instead of her disaster-relief get-‘er-done blue ones.

President Trump told reporters before traveling to Las Vegas that he believes it will be difficult to bring relief there since it’s in the middle of a desert – a big, hot desert..made of sand.

Melania wore white jeans while visiting Puerto Rico with President Trump on Tuesday. Responding to criticism regarding wearing white after Labor Day, the First Lady said she almost broke a sweat handing out paper towels, so it was still Labor Day to her.

Dan Evans, Great Britain’s 4th-ranked tennis professional, was suspended for one year after testing positive for cocaine — said a line judge.

Tim Murphy, a Pennsylvania Republican congressman who co-sponsored a bill to criminalize abortions after 20 weeks, reportedly texted his mistress to get an abortion during a pregnancy scare. When the mistress confronted the Congressman about his hypocrisy, he told her to sit tight for 20 weeks while he figured things out.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson spoke publicly to reassert his commitment to the job, following published reports that he called President Trump a ‘moron’ and threatened to quit over the summer. The conference ended with Tillerson receiving a call from Air Force One, as a photo of the President and the word ‘Moron’ appeared on his smartphone.

A woman lost her finger in a chain link fence while watching her child’s tee ball game. She was removed from the crowd when her son was called out at home, and she flipped off the umpire by tossing her detached finger at him.

Apple released its second update to iOS11, this time to fix a “crackling” noise that users reported hearing on calls while using iPhone 8, that was totally not because someone was listening in on them said the State Department and CEO Tim Cook.

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Meghan McCain – daughter of GOP Senator John McCain – is joining the cast of The View, saying she wants to honor her father by being tortured for several years.

IKEA has acquired on-demand labor company TaskRabbit, whose contract laborers make money on odd jobs, like assembling IKEA furniture. TaskRabbit lawyers are struggling with the contract, since it’s written entirely in pictures.

A Broadway musical based on the life and music of Cher is set to debut in 2018, although producers wonder if they’ll ever be able to find a Cher impersonator.

Delta Airlines will offer free in-flight texting. Passengers can now contact their friends-with-benefits to ask ‘U up? Get me at the airport?’

A school librarian in Cambridge Massachusetts refused a shipment of 10 Dr Seuss books sent from Melania Trump as part of a reading initiative. The librarian said the Seuss books were ‘cliched’, and Melania had scribbled question marks in the margins next to words she didn’t understand.

Melania Trump met with families whose members died from opioid overdoses at a gathering at the White House. After the listening session, Mrs. Trump said she wished she could have been there to help addicts find nude modeling jobs and hook up with rich guys.

Children in the Chidza village of Zimbabwe capture mice and sell them as a delicacy. The kids are thrilled to be earning money and never thought they’d be awarded a Chipotle franchise.

Accused National Security Agency document  leaker Reality Winner is alleged to have smuggled classified documents out of the office in her underwear. She told investigators she would have taken more, but her Spanx wouldn’t allow it.

Womens apparel retailer Forever 21 is teaming up with Taco Bell to offer a Taco Bell-themed collection of bodysuits, sweatshirts and hoodies — mostly in large sizes.

A Dearborn, Michigan toddler shot two other children with a loaded handgun he found at daycare. The two victims are in good condition, and will think twice the next time they decide they won’t share their toys.

  • The shooter has already been hired to address an NRA Conference, with a keynote address he’s calling “Time Out, My Ass!”

In the wake of its massive data breach, Equifax will offer free “credit locks”. This way, identity thieves can prevent victims from stealing their identities back.

The Chicago Bears v Green Bay Packers Thursday night NFL game marked the league’s debut on new broadcast partner Amazon Prime. Packers QB Aaron Rodgers threw four TD passes and also now leads the league in buffering.

  • The game was delayed for nearly an hour as a storm passed, so players with 1-in-2 odds of head trauma could be protected from 1-in-1 million odds of lightning strike.
  • Packers and Bears players stood with arms locked during the National Anthem. It was either a show of solidarity or the beginning of an awesome game of Red Rover.

 

Carmen Electra offered her memories of deceased Playboy founder Hugh Hefner; saying that Hefner ‘loved life and loved what he did’, although he couldn’t always remember who he did.

Roger Goodell met at NFL Headquarters in New York City with a group of team owners and prominent players to discuss players kneeling during the national anthem and other issues impacting the game. No definitive conclusions were reached regarding the kneeling, but everyone attending agreed that Odell Beckham Jr’s peeing dog was dumb.