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Jennifer Lopez cancelled her 30-city ‘This Is Me..Now’ Summer Tour. Sales were so lousy, Ticketmaster offered to cut their per-ticket fee in half to $50 each.

The CDC has confirmed a second human case of bird flu. The government is concerned about further transmission, since infected birds can’t find N95 masks that fit their beaks.

Claudia Sheinbaum was elected as the first female President of Mexico. “What a mitzvah!” said Mexicans.

New warnings were issued concerned elevated lead levels in spices. High volume of lead was found in Badia brand cinnamon, and in Belly Full Of Lead Toast Crunch cereal.

An AT&T executive endorses “reverse mentoring” – asking younger co-workers about the strategies they use to succeed in their jobs. So far her youth mentors have taught her a lot about letting older people do their work.

Due to a calendar anomaly, Social Security payments will be delayed a week for recipients whose birthdates are between the 1st and 10th of a month. Cracker Barrel hostesses and servers are advised to adjust their plans accordingly.

A flight attendant on Tik Tok said one of the reasons they greet passengers as they board is to determine if they’re too drunk or sick to fly. A Spirit flight atttendant said they also like to assess who’s most likely to win the in-air fistfights they bet on.

Philadelphia drag queens set a record for the largest attendance at a drag queen storytime reading, with 263 people in attendance. Drag queens said they were thrilled with the support, but not thrilled by how much the kids tipped.

Serial record=breaker David Rush established a new record by using only his nose to exhale and inflate 28 balloons in under three minutes. He’s now being treated for a world record sinus infection.

Lenny Kravitz claims he’s been celibate for years for “spiritual reasons”. Incels are now busily updating their dating app profiles to say that they, too, haven’t had sex for years because they’re just like Lenny Kravitz.

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Leaked information reveals creators of popular children’s cartoon Bluey – about a family of Australian dogs – will not produce new episodes, and the show has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

Tinder announced a new feature ‘Share My Date’ – which lets users give details about their dating plans to friends & family for safety. Although they advise just sharing names & locations, and not what you’re planning to do the first night you meet someone.

A British man ran a mile in a swimming pool in 35 minutes, 24 seconds, establishing an unoffiicial world record. He was then kicked off the high school swim team for delaying the meet by 35 minutes, 24 seconds.

Federal officials announced plans to update nutrition standards for public school meals — as school lunch ladies frantically try to use up their salisbury steaks before the government outlaws them.

Harvey Weinstein’s sexual assault conviction in New York was overturned by the state’s Supreme Court. Weinstein is now a free man for the duration of the flight to California, where his conviction there will allow him to die in a west coast prison.

Tiger Woods’ 15-year-old son Charlie will attempt to qualify for the U.S. Open. He’ll also try to follow in his father’s footsteps by qualifying for a tryst with a Perkins Pancake House hostess.

The makers of Scrabble introduced Scrabble Together – a new version of the game intended to reduce conflict and make gameplay more inclusive. Players can now arrange any letters they want on the board and declare that it identifies as a word.

Actress Rebel Wilson’s book ‘Rebel Rising’ was released, but UK versions redact abuse claims about actor Sacha Baron Cohen because they were allegedly proven false. Printing untruths is a crime in the UK, which is why it’s hard to find any of Donald Trump’s books there.

A Florida golden retriever gave birth to Shamrock, a puppy with lime green fur. The mother dog denies having an affair with a monitor lizard.

Jon Bon Jovi admits he “hasn’t been a saint” throughout his 34-year marriage to wife Dorothea – referencing affairs, and making her watch his acting auditions.

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The insurer providing Donald Trump’s $175 million appeal bond following his New York financial fraud conviction may not be approved to provide the money, since paperwork accompanying the bond revealed two-thirds of it to be Kohl’s Cash.

“My eyes hurt” was a top Google search term following the total solar eclipse. Another was ‘O vamt srr’ .. which is believed to be an attempt to search “I can’t see”.

Sex hormones from male fetuses reportedly shape the behavior of female fetuses when they share a womb. The females reportedly turn their backs on the males so they don’t have to see what gross stuff they’re doing.

Google rolled out their new Find My Device network, which allows owners to track their phones and other connected products. This follows the decades-long success of their ubiquitous Find My Personal Information And Profit From It network.

Country singer Morgan Wallen was arrested for throwing a chair off a six-story-high Nashville bar rooftop, just missing police standing on the sidewalk below. Wallen was identified to cops by the woman who grabbed on to a ledge while sitting in the chair.

Using a salt substitute for 10 years will improve heart health and prolong your life, according to a new study. However, the french fries you put it on will still kill you.

The NBA Charlotte Hornets will interview Lindsey Harding for their head coaching job, which would make her the first-ever female NBA head coach. Then they’ll interview three guys who got fired from other NBA teams and pick one of them.

Following a sting operation, a mother/daughter duo in Houston, Texas were arrested for performing illegal butt injections. Houston Police also announced a promotion to Detective for the undercover officer with a really flat butt.

Kourtney Kardashian shared a post-partum bikini pic. Although maternity ward nurses weren’t thrilled helping her put it on four minutes after she gave birth.

A 58-year-old Canadian mother of five broke the Guinness World Record for women by holding an abdominal plank position for 4.5 hours. She accepted her certificate, then spent a few minutes mopping up the gym mat she used.

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Pope Francis revealed confidential details of the secret papal voting conclave in an interview for an upcoming book. He claims he was asked to participate in a scheme to block the election of Pope Benedict in 2005 – but Mike Pence refused to help.

Donald Trump’s $175 million bond to appeal his New York State financial fraud conviction was issued by high interest auto lender Knight Insurance Group. Details weren’t revealed but it’s believed to cost him 20% every month, but they’re throwing in a repossessed Pontiac Aztek.

Regulators are concerned over the growing popularity of smokeless, tobacco-free nicotine pouches such as Zyn among young people, creating a new wave of nicotine addiction. Zyn pouches surpassed Takis as the most-traded-for item in junior high cafeterias.

Executive consultancy McKinsey is cutting staff, but is paying them to find new jobs. The bad news is they have to pay other McKinsey consultants $500/hour to help them.

‘Selling Sunset’ celebrity realtor Christine Quinn obtained a restraining order against husband Christian Dumontet after his violent outbursts. Quinn has downgraded their marriage from ‘fixer upper’ to ‘total teardown’.

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky is lowering the draft age for the national army, fortifying troop levels, but making high school girls soccer teams less competitive.

Researchers discovvered that the nutrients in vegetables such as green beans, broccoli and asparagus have dropped significantly over the last 50 years. This evidence was presented to a young couple by their 3rd-grader as he lobbied to have Froot Loops for dinner.

200 musicians authored an open letter calling on tech companies to refrain from irresponsible use of Artificial Intelligence. The letter was signed by artists including Billie Eilish, Nicki Minaj, hologram Tupac and the four avatars who now make up KISS.

New York’s Metropolitan Transit Authority, MTA, wants to charge runners in the NYC Marathon for crossing the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge. Or if they don’t want to pay up, swim across the Hudson River and call it the NYC Two-Thirds Of A Triathlon.

NFL Network ‘Good Morning Football’ host Jamie Erdahl described complications surrounding the emergency c-section birth of her daughter on March 30th. Her daughter is healthy, but her co-host’s use of the telestrator as she told the story was awkward.

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The famous floating door prop from James Cameron’s ‘Titanic‘ was purchased at auction for $718,000. (Kate Winslet sold separately.)

Donald Trump is selling bibles for $60. They’re better than old bibles because they contain multiple stories about the miracle that he’s not in jail.

Some couples are choosing in vitro fertilization, or IVF, as a first option to conceive a baby, since they say want a family, but it’s worth the $24,000 not to see their spouse naked.

A shipment of 3.7 tons of cocaine valued at $113 million was intercepted after a high-speed boat chase off the Colombian coast. It’s the largest volume of cocaine seized by law enforcement this year, beating the record set Monday when cops raided Diddy’s houses.

A former Syracuse University basketball player, Brendan Paul, was arrested and charged at a Florida airport with being a ‘drug mule’ for Diddy. Paul faces multiple traveling violations.

University of Colorado researchers say they’ve found a link between arthritis and tryptophan. The study followed older turkeys who walked with a cane.

Taylor Swift was photographed wearing a thong bikini on a romantic Bahamas getaway with Travis Kelce. Paparazzi didn’t want to say she has a flat butt, but also said it looked like someone tried patching a crack in a white wall with yellow spandex.

A British woman arrived at a vet’s office with what she claimed was a sick baby hedgehog, only to be informed it was the detached pom-pom from a fur hat. The vets were unable to save the baby hedgehog they found on top of the woman’s head.

Nicki Minaj experienced a wardrobe malfunction during her Orlando concert when her dress came undone and exposed her breasts — shocking bettors who’d wagered big money that the back of the dress would fail first.

An Atlanta resident called Magnet Man pulls a powerful magnet on his bicycle in order to pick up metal screws, nails & other pieces causing flat tires. He says he’s picked up 450 pounds of metal so far, and apologized to the people in wheelchairs he’s dragged for several blocks.

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Homeland Security raided the homes of music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as part of an alleged sex trafficking investigation. No further details were given, but the Feds are calling this a Biggie.

Combs’ houses in Miami & Los Angeles were raided, so let it be known Diddy was doing his part bring both East Coast & West Coast rappers together.

The grandmother of two of the ‘Little Rascals’ robbers – aged 11 & 12 – who held up a Wells Fargo Bank in Houston said the teller gave them play money. Nonetheless, the two boys were apprehended at a playground as they ‘made it rain’ while young girls danced on the monkey bars.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce reportedly shut down a Los Angeles gym for a two-hour private workout while members waited and watched outside. As they left, women shouted at Taylor for autographs, and men shouted corrections to her lifting form.

Krispy Kreme is expanding its partnership with McDonald’s and will be sold at all locations by the end of 2026. Customers ordering a Quarter Pounder will be asked if they want the burger or a really big doughnut.

A court lowered Donald Trump’s bond requirement to appeal his financial fraud judgment from $454 million to $175 million, and gave him 10 days to come up with the money. Trump then invited friends from North Korea, Russia & China to Mar a Lago for a Classified Documents Garage Sale.

A container ship struck and collapsed the Francis Scott Key Bridge outside of Baltimore. Viral video showed the action between 1 and 2 a.m., and gave proof through the night that the bridge was not there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a pacemaker. His blood is so heavy, his heart needed help pumping all the iron.

The U.S. Justice Department sued Apple, saying its market share of iPhones is a practical monopoly. Apple plans to drop a countersuit, then pay a fortune to fix the cracks in it.

Former NFL star Eric Decker – husband of viral singer/celebrity Jessie James Decker – announced he’d had a vasectomy after fathering four children. Future babies are not expected to make this latest round of cuts.

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Donald Trump spent $55 million of donor money on legal fees last year. His lawyers promised him a “large cash settlement” – which he got, but he has to pay it.

Trump said on Truth Social that he’s interviewing new lawyers to replace Alina Habba, who lost his defamation case and potentially cost him $83 million. Joining him in the interviews is wife Melania, who’s also looking for a lawyer, but won’t say why.

Bradley Cooper said watching co-star Vince Vaughn in ‘Wedding Crashers‘ changed his approach to acting because of Vaughn’s “willingness to fail”. Cooper’s comments appear in the new issue of Backhanded Compliments magazine.

Comcast agreed to stop using its ‘Xfinity 10G Network’ brand, after a ruling that it misleads consumers regarding Internet speeds. They will use 10G in other ways, like saying it costs a family 10G’s every couple years for cable,internet & phone service.

Netflix announced its full slate of tv shows coming in 2024, and, if they’re renewed, coming back in 2027.

Taylor Swift informed the NFL that she won’t make a cameo performance in Usher’s Super Bowl Halftime Show. Instead she’ll sit in a suite and be the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, & 4th quarter show.

A three-year-old toddler in Australia got stuck in a claw machine filled with stuffed animals and toys. Police arrived and broke the machine’s glass to free him, and arrested a man who’d unsuccessfully spent $200 trying to get the boy out.

The South Korean government urged citizens to stop eating deep-fried starchy toothpicks, since they’re concerned about food safety. Instead, they ask that South Koreans stick to eating cabbage that’s been fermented at room temperature for months.

February 1st marks the 20th Anniversary of ‘Nipplegate’, with Justin Timberlake exposing Janet Jackson’s breasts during the Super Bowl halftime show. Boobs did not reappear during Super Bowl halftime until 2011, when Black Eyed Peas showed up.

The Russian military has reportedly developed camouflage ‘invisibility cloaks’ capable of hiding soldiers at distances as close as 3 feet. They made the announcement after testing them in years-long games of Hide & Seek with Russian kindergartners.

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FAA officials took the first steps allowing Boeing 737 Max 9 jets to return to the skies. In a related move, Alaska Airlines will now sell premium ‘Panoramic View’ seats next to the giant hole where door plugs used to be.

Saudi Arabia opened its first store serving alcohol. So far, six men offering to buy women a drink have been beheaded.

Johnson & Johnson plans to settle litigation over the safety of its talc baby powder for $700 million. Greedy lawyers are quickly organizing class action lawsuits for victims of diaper rash.

Over 21 million people signed up for Obamacare, including several million in Iowa & New Hampshire who got their registration in before attending a Trump rally.

All teachers & staff at Siouxland Christian School in Sioux City, Iowa will carry guns. Complaints about the salisbury steak in the school cafeteria have been eliminated.

Grocery chain Stew Leonard’s recalled its florentine cookies after someone died eating them. Flags are flying at half-staff on Sesame Street.

A Wendy’s franchisee in Pennsylvania was cited with nearly 800 child labor law violations for not providing breaks for workers. The franchisee said he doesn’t understand why they need bathroom breaks if he’s paying for their Pull-Ups.

Gene Robinson was consecrated as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church. “Open, you say?” .. asked a few hundred Catholic bishops thinking long & hard about making the Episcopal team switch.

Taylor Swift’s fans are battling against AI-generated pornographic images & videos featuring the popular singer. They were being shared on social media sites, and discovered by parents of teenagers viewing them and shaking it off.

10 Philadelphia area restaurants were named as semifinalists for James Beard Awards – while dozens of other steak & wing joints were sent cease and desist orders to never apply again.

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Only 60% of student loan borrowers made payments once they were resumed in October, according to students borrowers asking their parents if they made the payment.

Brazilian model Caroline Werner slammed the country’s legal system after she was arrested and handcuffed for walking her dogs while topless on a local beach. Men on the beach defended Werner, saying they’re always happy to see those puppies.

Pennsylvania is considering a bill mandating active-shooter panic alarms in schools – providing kids hoping to cancel tests witb a second option after the fire alarm.

Uber introduced a new service returning gifts for customers. Drivers are currently learning how to sexually harass sweaters and small appliances.

A bird strike forced the emergency landing of a Southwest Airlines flight. Taking a cue from Southwest, the bird cancelled all of its remaining flights that day.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert announced she won’t run for reelection in the third Congressional district where she lives, but will run in the state’s fourth district. She considered abandoning Colorado altogether, but found out OnlyFans customers don’t get their own Congressman.

Donald Trump issued an angry social media post refuting an accusation that he “bullied” his way to a cameo in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. He then reiterated his claim that the Wet Bandits stole votes in battleground states.

University of Wisconsin LaCrosse fired Chancellor Joe Gow after discovering he & his wife made & distributed porn videos on adult websites. However, he retains his title as Professor Emeritus of Enterpreneurship & Poundin’ It.

A woman sued her dentist, after alleging he performed 4 root canals, 8 crowns and 20 fillings in a single visit. On the bright side, she met her deductible payment for 2023.

Author Emma Flint faces criticism for defining herself as “abrosexual” – someone whose sexual identity fluctuates and changes. Flint’s supporters include many convicted felons, who say their own sexual identity changed after they went to prison.

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Britney Spears’ father Jamie Spears had his leg amputated – settling half of his lawyer’s fees for keeping Britney’s conservatorship going all those years.

Video game Grand Theft Auto 6 will feature the franchise’s first female protagonist, Lucia. Instead of punching Vice City prostitutes and stealing their money, Lucia tells them they’re fierce and agrees that sex work is real work.

Taylor Swift is Time magazine’s 2023 Person Of The Year.  They promised Beyonce 2024 because the staff wants to live to see 2025.

Gen Z women posting to social media are embracing the trend of ‘Golden Retriever boyfriends’ – loyal, courteous men who make loving companions, but who also can’t help occasionally humping their leg when they’re excited. 

A recent survey finds over one-third of couples undergo “sleep divorce” – sleeping in separate rooms because of snoring, tv watching, or the bed not having enough room for a third person.

Barbie was named to Forbes magazine’s list of the World’s Most Powerful Women – the first woman to make the list who can’t talk or dress herself.

Norman Lear passed away at age 101. Lear’s pioneering sitcoms like ‘All In The Family’, and ‘Sanford & Son‘ elevated the discussion of race relations in America, and paved the way for other producers to create thousands of hours of network TV dogshit.

Dr. Amy Cohen of Narberth, PA was arrested and charged with attempted murder after setting fire to the home of her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s grandmother. It’s now even more difficult to schedule an appointment with her.

Former Congressman George Santos quadrupled his fee for personalized videos on Cameo to $350 following his expulsion. But he’s been ordered to give refunds to people who saw his listing offering videos from Boy George.

Cardi B posted an early New Year’s resolution, saying she plans to drop all “dead weight” in her life. So she unfollowed her husband Offset on Instagram, and made an appointment to have silicone siphoned from her buttocks.