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The U.S. Postal Service introduced a Yogi Berra commemorative stamp. It honors a guy so dumb, the value of the stamp is ten cents less than whatever you’re trying to mail.

Rescue teams in Japan responded to a call regarding a drowning woman, that turned out to be a discarded sex doll. The doll was pulled from the water, then a half-dozen first responders fought for two hours to see who got to marry it.

NBA star and Khloe Kardashian baby-daddy Tristan Thompson was spotted at a party going into a bedroom with three women and then emerging a half-hour later looking “disheveled”. It’s the first time in several seasons that Thompson has put in 30 quality minutes.

Ping Golf unveiled its newest line of putters, featuring 11 different models you can use to miss from a foot away, then snap over your leg.

Renee Zellweger is reportedly dating HGTV reality star Ant Anstead. Her reps, however, will not confirm rumors she has Ant in her pants.

Kanye West sued Walmart for selling knockoff Yeezy sneakers. Walmart defended their products, saying they’re clearly marked Jaclyn Smeezy Sneakers.

Vice President Kamala Harris plans to make her first visit to the U.S./Mexico border, then keep going until she gets to Cabo.

Hip-hop star Blueface signed on to compete in the Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship, in hopes of beating up another celebrity and not becoming Redface.

Astronauts installed new solar panels outside of the International Space Station. They’re hoping it cuts their electric bill so that they don’t have to keep working part time jobs at the on-board Starbucks.

Derek Chauvin will be sentenced today in the murder of George Floyd. He’s being advised by his lawyer to get his affairs in order – and by “affairs” he means a head-to-toe Kevlar-lined prison jumpsuit to protect against daily prison shankings.

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La La Anthony filed for divorce from her husband, NBA star Carmelo Anthony. She’s expected to receive a Lot Lot of Al Al Alimony.

An Israeli study finds unhappy marriages lead to premature death of husbands. That, and wives learn to shoot guns during their required time in the Israeli Army. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Las Vegas Raiders defensive tackle Carl Nassib became the first active NFL player to come out as gay. His announcement is expected to inspire a lot of embarrassing NFL tryouts from other gay guys.

An elephant crashed into the kitchen of a house in Thailand looking for food. Disappointed, the elephant sat down and called Grubhub.

Khloe Kardashian said that she’s “done” and will not get back together with baby daddy Tristan Thompson ever again, adding there are other fish in the NBA.

A man fell 500 feet to his death from the summit of California’s Mount Russell in the Sequoia National Park, and a woman fell 30 feet and was injured while trying to grab him. “I’mma wait here” said the third person in their hiking party.

The Trump Organization is suing after New York City terminated a contract with them to manage the Ferry Point golf links in the Bronx. Golfers are also disappointed, because Trump scorekeepers gave every player the course record.

One of the deadliest plants in the U.S. – poison hemlock – is now blossoming in Ohio and parts of Pennsylvania. Children in Ohio and Pennsylvania are busily convincing parents that broccoli is, in fact, poison hemlock.

The PA Ballet officially changed its name to the Philadelphia Ballet. To celebrate their new identity, they’ll kick off the summer season performing Swan Lake With Handguns.

Officials at Cape Cod beaches say there’s a lifeguard shortage, so swimmers may have to “swim at their own risk”. They also say not to be fooled by sharks spinning a whistle in their fin.

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A ‘Captain Underpants’ spin-off book will no longer be published by Scholastic for what’s been described as ‘passive racism’. They’ll also stop publishing ‘Captain Adult Incontinence Underpants’ books because of ‘active ageism’.

The United States Men’s soccer team failed to qualify for the Summer Olympics. The good news is the money it saves will be used to fund a bake sale the Women’s soccer team needs to raise money for their airfare to Tokyo.

Boston Dynamics showed off ‘Stretch’, its new multi-tentacled warehouse robot. Stretch failed its first shift in a Amazon warehouse after shooting oil into an empty soda bottle and melting it.

NASA determined a 1000-foot wide asteroid, Apophis 99942, is not a risk to strike earth for at least a century. “I’m still concerned” said an extremely fit 2-year-old.

A mafia fugitive from Italy was apprehended in the Dominican Republic after he & his wife posted Italian cooking videos on YouTube. He was charged in Italy with several counts of kidnapping, drug trafficking, and using canned tomatoes to make gravy.

Google is adding augmenteed reality features to Google Maps, to help guide you through public indoor spaces like airports, malls & train stations. Google believes it will vastly improve the efficiency of public restroom hookups and drug deals.

Texas launched a COVID-19 vaccine appointment scheduler, and a message board where anti-vaxx Texas knuckleheads can make fun of the people signing up.

Kendall Jenner increased security at her home after a discovering a nude man swimming in her pool who was not an active NBA player.

A new list highlights the most popular cocktail during the pandemic in each U.S. state. In California it’s a Paloma, in Florida it’s a Pina Colada, and in New York it’s whatever helps you forget being kissed by Governor Cuomo.

Donald Trump interrupted a wedding reception at Mar-A-Lago, where he spoke for over two minutes bashing Joe Biden. He would have kept going, except he spotted a piece of wedding cake bigger than all of the others.

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Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

Britney Spears’ boyfriend, fitness trainer Sam Asghari, said he contracted COVID-19 but recovered thanks to a healthy lifestyle. Britney said while Sam was toxic, she had not slipped under.

Volunteers calling themselves “grandchildren of Santa Claus” placed video calls to isolated elderly patients at a nursing home in Italy. The Italian seniors refused to speak with them because they’d never showed up to Sunday dinner.

A USA Today poll found 50% of registered voters call Donald Trump a “failed President”. Another 30% wanted to know if “failed” was the worst choice they had.

The CDC reported another coronavirus strain discovered in Nigeria, then said “nevermind, it’s just regular ol’ ebola”.

Oregon officials say one person’s “superspreader action” resulted in several deaths and over 300 people sick. The person in question defended himself, saying it was just a really busy shift at the Arby’s drive-thru.

Visa continued its ban for use on payments to Pornhub – a judge then ruled Visa can no longer say “it’s everywhere you want to be”.

Billionaire Ron Burkle – a former financial advisor to Michael Jackson – purchased Neverland Ranch for $20 million. Burkle hasn’t yet disclosed his future plans for the property, other than evicting Bubbles the Chimp.

The Houston Rockets postponed their season-opening game because too many players were in COVID protocol. James Harden plans to get both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, since he usually takes twice as many shots as he should.

The CDC still hasn’t notified passengers on a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 that they’ve been exposed. However, United asked them to designate a beneficiary for their frequent flyer miles.

Washington Football Team owner Daniel Snyder claims co-owner Dwight Schar is leaking information on Snyder’s alleged sexual misconduct in a effort to force Snyder out. Snyder has no plans to sell, but he is embarrassed, as evidenced by his red skin.

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General Mills announced Los Angeles Lakers all-star Lebron James will appear on Wheaties boxes. James then called a press conference to annouce that he was ‘taking his talents to Count Chocula’.

IndieWire called Adam Sandler’s new Netflix film ‘Hubie Halloween’ “the Halloween comedy America needs right now”. Which should give you some idea of what kind of shape America is in.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee said that, before his current sobriety, he was drinking two gallons of vodka a day. Lee added that, when the band resumes touring, he’ll need to get back Cerup to three gallons.

Mark Zuckerberg pledged $250 million to local governments, for their use managing elections that Facebook has effectively ruined.

After multiple positive COVID-19 tests in their ranks, all of the Joint Chiefs of Staff are currently under quarantine, making them the Individual Chiefs of the TV Remote.

Scotland shut down Glasgow and Edinburgh bars amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases, telling local drunks “you don’t have to go home lads, but you can’t quarantine here”.

McDonald’s is expanding its McCafe bakery offerings for the first time in ten years, introducing apple fritters, blueberry muffins & cinnamon rolls they made ten years ago.

Joe Biden committed to widespread cancellation of student loan debt, to the delight of deadbeat college grads who still won’t vote anyway.

NBC revealed that audience members were each given $150 for attending the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Asked how they felt about the money, most said “underpaid”.

Donald Trump said he won’t participate in the October 15th debate, after it was changed to a virtual event. Trump said that between tweeting, and shopping Amazon Prime Day on the 13th & 14th, he may run out of mobile data.

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The Seattle Seahawks cut player Kemah Siverand for trying to sneak a woman into the team hotel during training camp. Siverand thought she was gorgeous; teammates thought she was just a fair catch.

Thousands lined up for over a mile at a Texas food bank. The line would have been shorter, but hundreds of dumb Texans were there to cash unemployment checks.

An In-N-Out burger restaurant in Oregon is the site of a COVID-19 outbreak. The good news is their secret menu lets you order burgers & fries “Pangolin style”.

Google is rolling out “earthquake alerts” to Android phones. Google says the key to getting them is holding on to your phone really tight.

Idris Elba’s wife said she thought his COVID-19 diagnosis was “the end”. Fans thought “the end” for Idris Elba was box office bomb ‘The Dark Tower’.

Tiger Woods shared his ‘go-to’ Starbucks coffee order in an interview with Golf TV. It’s a Grande Nonfat Double-shot Hazelnut Latte delivered by the 20-year-old new female barista.

Donald Trump’s brother Robert is reportedly hospitalized in New York and “very ill”. Donald has requested that Robert be moved to the first tee of his New Jersey golf course so he can visit him.

Workers renovating the Walla Walla, Washington public library found a stash of Godzilla Heads bubble gum and unopened beer cans left there since the 1980s. They’re unsure who left it there, but they suspect it’s the alcoholic custodian who choked to death on bubble gum.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said he “warned Russia” about the alleged bounties they offered for attacks on U.S. soldiers. Pompeo warned them they needed to raise the price to get any serious action.

The NBA Chicago Bulls fired head coach Jim Boylen. Boylen was on the bubble, then left out of the bubble, then the bubble burst.

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Kelly Clarkson will take the injured Simon Cowell’s place as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’, just as soon as she can complete a**hole training.

Stein Mart is declaring bankruptcy and plans to close most of its brick-&-mortar stores. The ones that remain open will reuse inventory from dead stores as Franken Stein Mart.

Navigation app Waze added railroad crossing warnings – along with recommendations of how long you need to floor it to beat the train.

There are now a record 13,000 vacant apartments in Manhattan – meaning Wall Street investment bankers will have an even harder time telling their mistresses they can’t find them their own place.

A new biography of Prince Harry & Meghan Markle claims Markle skipped Pippa Middleton’s wedding because she thought it would turn into a spectacle ‘over who had the best butt.’ Prince Charles attended anyway, despite being the biggest ass in the U.K.

The Harvard Business Review published a new article “21 Human Resources Jobs Of The Future”. 20 of them are planning Zoom office birthday parties, and the other one is firing people.

Scientists discovered sharks living in an active underwater volcano in the Solomon Islands. They’re believed to be there collaborating on a script for SharkCano.

Illusionist David Blaine will broadcast his next stunt via YouTube on August 31st – flying above New York City holding helium balloons. New York area sporting goods stores are selling out of bows & arrows.

A missing 3-year-old Wisconsin toddler was found alive after getting lost in woods for 24 hours after following the family’s dog. The child was treated for minor injures, and the dog just wants to be left alone for a while.

The NBA issued a memo to its players still living inside the Orlando ‘bubble’, saying non-family visitors must have “longstanding relationships” with players to be allowed in. So, Khloe Kardashian & Kendall Jenner can each visit about a dozen different guys.

 

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The Big 10 and Pac 12 athletic conferences announced they won’t play football in Fall 2020 – leading to a panicked emergency Board of Directors meeting of the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.

Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his running mate, and will finally get to know what a part-Indian, part-Jamaican woman’s hair feels & smells like.

In a Tuesday radio interview, Donald Trump called NBA players “very nasty” and “very dumb” for kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice – adding that he’s cancelled his plans to throw out the first pitch at an NBA game.

Laid-off hospitality workers protesting the lack of extended unemployment benefits set up makeshift soup kitchens outside the offices of Senators opposing $600/week payments. “I’ll have a large chicken noodle” said Mitch McConnell.

In a different interview Tuesday night with Sean Hannity, Trump once again railed against windmills, mourning birds that die because of them – presumably from cancer.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorneys are asking that she be moved out of solitary confinement, since it’s pretty hard to recruit teen convicts to give massages if you can’t talk to them.

A Chick-fil-A employee in Florida shared a ‘secret’ dessert item that combines their fresh fruit cup, soft-serve ice cream, and a milkshake. Customers are impressed, but still get the large waffle fries instead.

Six Jersey Shore beaches are under a swimming advisory because of high levels of fecal bacteria in the water. Local sharks admit they’re to blame for scaring swimmers.

Mossimo Giannulli and Lori Loughlin downsized from their Bel-Air mansion to a newly-constructed 11,758 square foot home. Instead of a fitness center with rowing machines, the new house has its own prison cell for home confinement.

A broken cable tore a 100-foot hole in one of the world’s largest telescopes, located in Puerto Rico. Crews estimate it will be several months before Puerto Rican scientists will once again be able to peek through the windows of Florida bathrooms.

 

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Kevin Durant of the NBA Brooklyn Nets tested positive for COVID-19. He’s concerned his body doesn’t know how to play defense.

The City of Philadelphia advised officers not to make arrests for minor crimes to prevent COVID-19 exposure risk, so instead they’re just shooting people who try to steal donuts. 

A resident of Spain attempted to walk the streets in an inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex costume while their city is on lockdown. Before he could be apprehended, he was killed by three other Spaniards dressed as velociraptors.

Around the country, municipalities and hospitals are setting up drive-thru test sites for the coronavirus. So far, the biggest challenges are shortages of COVID-19 test kits and french fries. 

Gamestop cancelled a midnight release event for new video game Doom Eternal, saying that doom will be arriving pretty soon, anyway. 

Dollar General and Target are dedicating specific times each week for senior shoppers and those with underlying health concerns –  allowing parking lot muggers to plan their day accordingly. 

The Federal Aviation Administration closed a control tower at Chicago Midway airport after workers there tested positive for coronavirus. In its place, pilots were radioed a recorded message saying “just take turns”. 

A Google Chrome browser extension called ‘Netflix Party’ lets users watch Netflix content on their computers and chat at the same time. It’s proven to be a lot more popular than ‘Pornhub Party’. 

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is now receiving protection from Secret Service agents, who reintroduce themselves to him every morning. 

A Kentucky man who tested positive for coronavirus checked himself out of a hospital, but is now forced to remain at home by sheriff’s deputies. Yet, in accordance with Kentucky law, he’s still allowed to sit in a rocking chair on his porch clad only in overalls while clutching a rifle. 

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The Centers for Disease Control is recommending older Americans stay home whenever possible to keep from catching coronavirus. Netflix reportedly paid $80 million to acquire one year’s worth of broadcast rights to ‘Matlock’.

The NBA issued a coronavirus memo to teams saying they should prepare to play games without fans. NBA players wanting to know what it’s like playing in front of no fans are asking WNBA players.

Melania Trump criticized those who made fun of her posting photos overseeing the new White House tennis pavilion. She’s moved on to overseeing hiring the new White House tennis pro, via a series of interviews in her bedroom.

Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham recognized International Women’s Day by posting a photo of herself during the birth of her son in January. She said it was the most challenging and amazing thing she’s ever done – losing ten pounds in a day.

IKEA, which closed all 30 of its stores in China amidst the coronavirus outbreak, reopened 14 of them and debuted a new slogan: “If the virus doesn’t kill you, neither will assembling a dresser.”

Cruise passengers stuck on the Carnival Panorama for an extra day finally disembarked in Long Beach. They said the extra time was a minor inconvenience, and that they stayed entertained watching reigning cruise champion norovirus battle coronavirus.

Spring Break destinations popular with college students are said to be monitoring the spread of viral disease, although some people are happy the herpes virus will have some company this year.

Harvey Weinstein, imprisoned at Rikers Island awaiting sentencing for a rape conviction, reportedly hit his head in a fall. Weinstein is not permitted to use a walker, or a stunt double

XFL officials said game attendance is holding steady – and by that they mean all of the players are still showing up.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence will not attend the Congressional St. Patrick’s Day lunch, the first time since its inception that neither the president or vice-president will attend. A White House spokesman cited event host Nancy Pelosi’s impeachment actions, and the absence of Shamrock Shakes on the menu.