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Danielle Brigoli, now known as rapper Bhad Bhabie, bought a Boca Raton, Florida home in a gated community for $6.1 million. “Cash us putting our homes on the market” said her new Florida neighbors.

Travis Barker reportedly went to the grave of Kourtney Kardashian’s deceased father to ask his permission to marry her. He couldn’t hear the answer, so he rented a backhoe to move him closer.

NBC News is facing backlash after describing current Jeopardy! super-champion Mattea Roach as a ’23-year-old lesbian tutor’. She’s won over $300,000 and tutored multiple women on how to be better lesbians.

A judge in Brazil ruled Apple must pay a man $1,000 for failing to include a power adapter with his new iPhone. The man bought one online at the Apple website, paying $29 for the adapter, and $971 for shipping.

A Waffle House employee created a viral Tik Tok video saying she makes a surprisingly large amount of money working there – enough to pay cash to visit doctors after the free meals, with money left over for ju jitsu lessons so she can break up Waffle House brawls.

NASA’s Mars helicopter spotted what the agency called ‘otherworldly wreckage’ on the red planet. Which, on closer inspection, proved to be unreleased Nicolas Cage and Bruce Willis movies.

Twitter admitted overstating their audience figures for the past three years. Twitter users admit overstating their audience for as long as they’ve been using it.

McDonald’s is now stuck with millions of dollars worth of Russian food it can’t use, after a test showed U.S. customers aren’t crazy about Wolf Meat Quarter Pounders.

Apple opened its online Self Service Repair store, offering repair kits, individual parts, and – for a fee – an online chat with the Chinese junior high kid who originally put the device together.

Ozzy Osbourne has COVID – but denies catching it by eating the head of an infected bat.

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January 6th rioter Jenna Ryan, a realtor who said she was “definitely not going to jail”, was sentenced to a jail term. Ryan now says she’s “definitely not going to be assaulted in jail”.

Another tough week for rappers – following the deaths of 8 people at Travis Scott’s Astroworld Festival, 10 people died of anaphylactic shock at Popeye’s after eating Megan Thee Stallion’s Hottie Sauce.

An Astroworld Festival planning document instructed security & others to call dead concertgoers “Smurfs”, not “dying” or “deceased”. EMTs called the event the “Smurfiest” they’ve seen, while pronouncing multiple young men & women “Smurf”.

Julia Thompson, 11, had eaten nothing but chicken nuggets her entire life and was diagnosed with ARFID – avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. She was successfully treated and now eats other foods thanks to a hypnotherapist, who made her believe she was a chicken.

Anchor Brian Williams is leaving MSNBC and NBC News. Williams, whose career suffered a setback when he embellished personal stories in interviews, says he needs time off to continue being Batman.

McDonald’s is debuting the ‘Mariah Carey Menu’ next month. Carey said her signature to-go order is a cheeseburger, which she orders with extra pickles, and five extra cheeseburgers.

The creator of Squid Game said a second season is coming, but it’s taking a while to properly film people getting shot playing Duck Duck Goose.

European women’s soccer player Aminata Diallo is accused of ordering an assault on teammate Kheira Hamraoui to give herself more playing time. Diallo has been suspended by Paris Saint-Germain head coach Geoffrie Gilloolie.

Scientists studying murder hornet attacks say honeybees make a noise to alert other bees in the hive of danger. They say the honeybees noise loosely translates to “get the guns”.

Roughly 1 million U.S. kids aged 5-11 will have their first COVID vaccine by the end of the day Wednesday, while several million more will be doing their own research listening to the L’il Joey Rogan podcast.

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Donald Trump’s job approval ratings fell in the first poll taken since the election, from 46 percent to 43 percent. The other 57 percent split between “disapproval” and “thinking he’d already quit”.

Utah dropped restrictions on group gatherings before Thanksgiving – now Mormon men can celebrate with all 12 of their wives.

A new study finds Missouri is the deadliest state for both COVID-19 infection and gun violence. Missouri’s governor announced a new plan to curb the spread of COVID-19 by testing more people, and shooting the ones who test positive.

China launched a space mission to the moon on Monday. Stargazers can follow the rocket all night as it travels through space with its turn signal on.

Qantas Airlines said they’ll require a COVID-19 vaccine for passengers on international flights. Spirit Airlines said they won’t follow suit for domestic flights, but still recommend a tetanus shot since there’s no telling what passengers will sit on.

NBC News reported that Donald Trump fears his Rudy Giuliani-led legal team is comprised of “fools who are making him look bad”. Trump was applauded on Capitol Hill for finally being right about something.

General Services Administration head Emily Murphy officially began the transition process to a Joe Biden presidency, after learning Biden plans to give all outgoing workers a free Honeybaked Ham.

Melania Trump greeted the delivery of the official White House Christmas Tree. Then sped away in the flatbed truck as the workers unloaded it.

CEO Ed Stack will retire after 36 years at Dick’s Sporting Goods. President Lauren Hobart will take over, becoming the first woman ever in charge of growing Dick’s.

Pornhub is selling discounted Premium Lifetime subscriptions at just $200 for Black Friday, although they also have offers for Teen Friday, Asian Friday, MILF Friday, Gay Friday & others.

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A teen boy in Buffalo, NY received a Ford Mustang convertible as a reward for independently cleaning up his street after riots and protests. He hopped in the car and left Buffalo.

Thousands of New York City businesses are reopening after pandemic lockdown, forcing tens of thousands of residents to decide if they want to give up the sweet parking spot they’ve had for 10 weeks.

Minneapolis City Council voted to defund its police force. They’ve already begun recruiting new citizen patrols by offering Free Parkas.

The White House is considering a Trump speech to the nation on race and unity. White House insiders describe the proposed speech as “really short”.

According to an NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll, four out of five voters think the United States is “out of control”. One in five voters think racial division, rampant disease & record unemployment are “pretty cool”.

CrossFit CEO Greg Glassman tweeted “it’s Floyd-19” in response to a tweet about racism being a public health issue. In response, high-profile CrossFit athletes severed ties with the organization and will find other ways to tear their ligaments.

Wichita State nixed Ivanka Trump’s virtual commencement speech. She then tweeted in condemnation of ‘cancel culture’, but still expressed thanks for not actually having to go to Wichita.

Microsoft is giving its Edge web browser to everyone updating Windows 10. Edge has new features like the ability to hide notification prompts, so you won’t be annoyed when your computer tries telling you your personal information is being stolen.

Following a May health scare, friends of Ryan Seacrest worry that he’s “overdoing it” – a concern echoed by everyone watching tv who’s sick of seeing Ryan Seacrest.

Monthly sales of Tesla Model 3 vehicles tripled in China – as pandemic lockdowns ended, and as Chinese drivers crashed Model 3s into each other and had to buy new ones.

An Apple Watch called police in Chandler, Arizona after its wearer fainted and remained unconscious. Paramedics arrived and the watch directed them to the nearest Apple Store for a new watch.

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A Fairfield, Ohio substitute teacher was removed from a middle school classroom after he allegedly masturbated behind the desk with students present.  School officials also confiscated the movie he was showing in health class.

A Mississippi man had his leg amputated following a duck hunting accident, when his dog stepped on a gun and it fired, hitting him. Since the incident occurred in Mississippi, the dog was not charged because he’s allowed to own & fire a gun without a permit.

Pizza Hut is expanding its beer delivery service to over 1,000 locations before summer. Pizza Hut executives say the top question customers ask when adding beer to an order is if they can cancel the pizza.

The New York Police Department closed sexual assault investigations into celebrity chef Mario Batali without filing charges – although detectives are not ruling out new menu items.

Oxford Pennant, a local business in Buffalo, NY, is hoping to improve the city’s reputation by holding a sweepstakes to win a two-night all-expenses-paid trip to the city. So far, they’ve received 28,000 entries from Guatemalan asylum-seekers.

Jeff Bezos and his wife Mackenzie filed for divorce.  Bezos then signed on to Amazon, and his ‘Recommendations For You’ already featured five different supermodels.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture reports the United States has a record 1.4 billion pound surplus of cheese. “We’re doing all we can” said mice eating queso at Chipotle.

Amazon has an under-the-radar program that sends select customers free samples of items such as coffee and dog food.  Customers writing reviews saying they didn’t like the taste of the dog food are removed from the program.

United is the first U.S. airline to take delivery of the massive new 300-passenger Boeing 787 Dreamliner. It has extra-wide aisles for dragging overbooked Economy passengers from the plane and special storage for animals that die on board.

NBC News reports that the U.S. Government shutdown is forcing the FDA to suspend routine food safety inspections. Or, as the FDA calls it, a Romaine Holiday.

 

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AT&T claims that it’s made a world’s-first 5G connection, which it used to tell recipients their rates are going up on account of their awesome 5G connection.

Cesar Sayoc, suspect in a plot to mail pipe bombs to critics of President Trump, is a former collegiate soccer player, body builder and male dancer.  Pipe Bomber was also his stripper name.

A Sun Country Airlines pilot was arrested and accused of bringing a gun to his flight from a Florida airport. The pilot made no commentary, but his attorney said that you’d understand if you saw the people who fly on Sun Country Airlines.

Humanetics, a designer & maker of automobile crash test dummies, said that they’re making larger dummies because Americans are getting bigger. They’re also trying to make the dummies more accurate by teaching them how to text.

  • Humanetics is the second-largest maker of fat motionless dummies, trailing only Fox News.

E! Network plastic-surgery-correction show ‘Botched’ returns for a fifth season. The newest episode features Pixee Fox, a woman who says she’s had 200 surgeries, including designing some of her own, such as transplanting pubic hair to her eyebrows, and the surgical removal of crab lice from her eyebrows.

American Airlines passenger & fashion designer Anna Knight claims her checked bag was returned with all of her belongings stolen and replaced with ‘airport equipment’. And by ‘airport equipment’ she meant stuff that baggage handlers stole from other luggage that they didn’t want.

The Simpsons is reportedly dropping the Apu character altogether, disappointing those who were hoping he’d .. come again!

NBC News announced that Megyn Kelly Today will not return in the 9a.m. time slot, and that Kelly’s spot will be taken by other Today anchors. Insiders say that Kelly would like to return to her old job at Fox News, but Fox execs say they’re happy with the team of racists that already work there.

In an effort to win back users, Snapchat will debut a longform sci-fi thriller story told in a series of texts. The thriller is called ‘Dark Matter’ and is said to focus on faceless images of big black body parts that disappear.

Hershey introduced ‘Hot Cocoa Kisses’, its first holiday-only Hershey Kisses flavor in ten years. Hershey said they’re excited to ring in the season with a new way to drive winter weight gain and type 2 diabetes.

McRib is back for a limited time at McDonald’s restaurants, according to a new Surgeon General’s warning.

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The New York Times cut the number of free articles readable on its website from 10 per month to 5.  Meanwhile the Philadelphia Inquirer assured its website’s readers that the number of racist comments they can make each month will remain unlimited.

TV actress Kaley Cuoco is engaged to professional equestrian Karl Cook. This is Cook’s first marriage, and Cuoco’s second big bang.

The FIFA Men’s 2018 World Cup soccer matchups were released. The United States Men’s National Soccer team was matched up with golf caddies.

NBC will refuse to pay out the remainder of Matt Lauer’s $30 million contract; Lauer cancelled delivery of “personal massagers” he’d ordered as Christmas gifts for all the women on the Today staff.

President Trump’s lawyer, Charles Dowd, confirmed to the media that he wrote the tweet sent from Trump’s account rationalizing his firing of Michael Flynn. You’d write Trump’s tweets, too, if you could bill $500/character.

Preceding a joint press release from the President of NAMBLA and Alabama Senate Candidate Roy Moore calling it “the communications breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for” —  Facebook unveiled its Messenger For Kids app.

The implosion of Detroit’s Pontiac Silverdome failed to collapse the retired structure on the first try. Local officials are set to detonate a second round of explosives and, if that doesn’t work, the Silverdome will host Detroit’s Devil’s Night festivities next Halloween.

New Jersey Governor-elect Phil Murphy said that after this season, bear hunting will no longer be allowed in the Garden State. Murphy advised residents if  you want to shoot a 600 pound mammal rooting through garbage cans for something to eat, you’ll have to go to Chris Christie’s shore house or MetLife Stadium on Sundays.

Employee benefit consultants are lauding the $69 Billion CVS acquisition of Aetna, saying it could transform a massive, complex, pricey healthcare system into a more massive, complex, pricier healthcare system.

The Supreme Court will hear arguments on the legality of single-game sports gambling in states outside of Nevada. The Gorsuch/Thomas/Alito/Roberts/Kennedy approval parlay is paying even money at the Mirage.

 

 

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Youngstown, Ohio city employees doing routine checks of manhole covers discovered human body parts. The police lieutenant is withholding comment until he’s able to interview the local CHUDs after their lunch break.

Matt Lauer, ousted from NBC News after sexual harassment allegations, issued an apology, writing “to the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry…and to the ones I didn’t hurt, I am now free on weekday mornings..”

Cabin — a new luxury bus line operating overnight service between Los Angeles and San Francisco — is offering $115 one-way trips featuring lie-flat beds so passengers can sleep on the 7-hour ride. Cabin’s execs say this addresses the number-one complaint of frequent bus passengers, that their ride isn’t creepy enough.

Vice Media fired three employees amid sexual harassment investigations, and announced a name change to Respect & Inclusion Media.

Walmart stopped selling a t-shirt with the caption “Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some Assembly Required” after complaints from customers and sales associates who don’t know what ‘journalist’ means.

A magnitude 4.1 earthquake was recorded near Dover, Delaware. Officials expressed relief that it didn’t happen during one of Dover’s NASCAR races, since the violent shaking would have made thousands of cans of cheap beer highly risky to open.

  • The National Geological Survey said the only remaining east coast state without an earthquake is Florida, since the Earth hasn’t figured out how to make two giant sinkholes rub together.

Tesla has launched the world’s biggest battery in the Australian Outback, and is staffing up security to ward off loitering kangaroos and koalas charging their cell phones.

A British lawmaker, critical of President Trump’s retweets of anti-Muslim videos, quoted fictional Harry Potter wizard Albus Dumbledore in a televised debate. Trump angrily replied that players kneeling during ‘Rule Britannia‘ need to be kicked out of the National Quidditch League.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway will spearhead the Trump Administration’s battle against the opioid crisis, despite having no public health experience at all. Sessions’ budget will fund $12 million toward the effort, money Conway will use for an amnesty program, where addicts seeking to surrender their opioids can trade them for a gun.

GOP Senators continue to work on a Tax Reform bill, with the latest hiccup being attempts by ‘Budget Hawks’ to include measures aimed at slowing the soaring growth of the Federal Deficit. The President struggles to understand why the Senators don’t just pass the bill first and go bankrupt later.

 

 

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CNN declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party this Friday, citing the President’s continued attacks on freedom of the press. The party is seen as a time for reporters to mingle with administration officials, and to hear carolers sing some of the President’s seasonal favorites like “White Christmas” and “Blood and Soil”.

Melania Trump also declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party, saying she has a thing she booked over a year ago.

A New Hampshire doctor who refuses to use a computer lost her medical license, but continues to practice because she never got the email.

Victoria became the first Australian state to legalize euthanasia. Soon, terminally ill patients will be able to box a kangaroo to their death.

Bitcoin topped $11,000 for the first time, leading confused, cash-strapped seniors to turn the pockets of their church pants inside-out looking for one.

Matt Lauer was fired by NBC News after a report of sexual misconduct at the Sochi Winter Olympics. The news was reported by NBC’s Brian Williams, who filed a story that he witnessed the alleged misconduct, rescued the woman and then won a gold medal in men’s alpine ski jumping.

The United Kingdom will allow over-the-counter Viagra sales starting in the spring. The move is expected to create hundreds of new jobs as middle-aged men pay teenagers to go buy Viagra for them.

Marvel Studios released a new trailer for Avengers: Infinity War — depicting Iron Man, Hulk, Black Panther, Captain America, Black Widow and about 20 other Marvel heroes checking their watches 90 minutes into Justice League.

ESPN is laying off 150 more employees, none of whom are Rex Ryan or Randy Moss. Come on, man!

92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury stirred controversy when she said that women must sometimes “take the blame” for men’s sexual harassment. Many reacted in disbelief that Lansbury was actually pretty hot-looking 70 years ago.