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Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

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Northern Ireland outlawed smoking in cars with children on board. Irish toddlers are now wondering what to do with their free hand while drinking a sippy cup of Guinness.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is shown having difficulty descending a flight of stairs in government propaganda film ‘The Great Year of Victory, 2021‘. Kim’s next movie role will be in ‘The Execution Of The Guy Who Used To Make The Propaganda Films’.

Economists are issuing warnings as the U.S. national debt hit $30 trillion for the first time. President Biden is screening calls from a Chinese guy who called his January envelope “a little light”.

The entire U.S. federal prison system was placed on lockdown after a gang altercation at a Texas prison resulted in two inmate deaths. Visitors were advised to go home, remove the contraband from their rectums, and try to smuggle it in again next week.

Active shooter emergencies were declared Tuesday at a Minnesota high school and a Virginia college. Everything is cool at nursery schools and kindergartens.

Some of the Trump White House documents turned over to the January 6th Committee had been ripped up by Trump, including Oval Office memos, meeting agendas, and incorrect TV Guide Crossword Puzzles.

People are brushing their teeth less during the pandemic, according to a new study of workers taking afternoon Zoom calls with lunch stuck in their teeth.

6,000 people were ordered to evacuate a one-mile radius around a burning North Carolina fertilizer plant, for fear of a devastating ammonium nitrate explosion. Officials haven’t been this concerned about damage from exploding crap since Taco Bell introduced the Double Chalupa.

Netflix announced it’s raising prices to $19.99/month. “Amateurs” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

NASA plans to retire the International Space Station before 2031 by crashing it into the Pacific Ocean. They’ll defray the operating cost starting in 2026 by renting it out on AirlessBNB.

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Shares of Peloton stock tumbled as the company revealed it’s halting production of exercise bikes & treadmills for several months. However, online classes remain full, as discarded equipment in landfills is a hit with overweight bears & raccoons.

A new report from the World Health Federation claims no amount of alcohol is good for the heart – a study disputed by writers of country songs.

Mars, Incorporated said its animated M&Ms characters will become “more inclusive”. Peanut now identifies as Plain.

A Rhode Island man who faked his own death to flee a rape charge was apprehended in the U.K. He’ll be returned to the U.S. alive, but in a coffin.

The power of Tonga’s volcanic eruption and tsunami may dwarf that of nuclear weapons, according to experts. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he’s successfully designed and tested a volcano.

Instagram is testing paid subscriptions for content, with prices ranging from 99 cents/month to watch Kim Kardashian have sex, to $100/month to keep from seeing anything any Kardashian or Jenner does.

Rocker Meat Loaf passed away. No autopsy is planned, but a funeral home worker discovered he was marked ‘Best by 1/19/22’.

The North Penn School District outside of Philadelphia is investigating a video of a teacher taping a mask to an unruly student’s face. If he’s fired, United and American Airlines each plan to offer him a job as a flight attendant.

New York City’s new mayor received his first paycheck in Bitcoin and Ethereum cryptocurencies. “Hope it works out better for him” said dozens of the city’s panhandlers who’ve been fooled by this payment method.

‘Tiger King’ zoo owner Jeff Lowe is moving his big cat zoo to Mexico after it was banned in the U.S., although he may bring the tigers back to the states occasionally with balloons full of heroin in their rectums.

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Chicago & Philadelphia are Numbers 1 & 2 on pest control company Orkin’s ‘Worst Bed Bug Cities’ list. Orkin workers say bed bug treatments are worst in those cities because the bed bugs are armed.

DoorDash will deliver Girl Scout Cookies. But go get your own goddamn pizza and Chinese food, say Girl Scouts.

Donald Trump abruptly ended an interview with NPR after being confronted about his lies regarding election fraud. The interviewer accepted some of the blame, saying he shouldn’t have booked the talk so close to the start of ‘Justice with Judge Jeanine’.

Friends say Pete Davidson is “bringing out the best” in Kim Kardashian. She’s also “hiding the worst” since her four kids aren’t around when they get together.

Several East Coast cities in the grip of a cold snap cancelled outdoor COVID testing events, for fear that those waiting in line could suffer from exposure, and because the swabs kept getting stuck in people’s noses.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson apologized for attending a “bring your own booze” party during the COVID lockdown. He also apologized for showing up to the party with Coors Light.

North Korea is in the midst of a fertilizer shortage, and is pleading with citizens to make more manure. In other news, North Korea is opening its first Taco Bell.

A man entered the cockpit of an American Airlines jet pre-flight and damaged instruments before being arrested. He now holds the distinguished title of being the first person duct-taped into the Captain’s Chair.

Bank of America is reducing its overdraft fees, and eliminating insufficient funds penalties for bounced checks. However, the fee for Bank of America customers using an out-of-network ATM increases to $500 per transaction.

The U.S. Mint announced the first-ever American Women Quarters Program, where images of women appear on 25-cent pieces. When you turn the quarter upside-down, their clothes come off.

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Dollar Tree stores announced they’ll raise the price of most items to $1.25. Hundreds of employees quit rather than taking a required 8-week training course ‘Making Change’.

Philadelphia recorded its 500th homicide on Wednesday, trailing Chicago by 200 killings, but still good enough to secure a Wild Card berth in the 2021 National Murder Playoffs.

New, heavily-mutated COVID variants have been positively identified in South Africa and Belgium, forcing North American tourists to cancel really long, boring vacations.

Israel also declared an emergency after a rise in new COVID cases and strains, with Prime Minister Naftali Bennett raising the national threat level from ‘be careful, bubby’ to ‘Oy vey!’.

Egypt celebrated the reopening of the famed Avenue of the Sphinxes in Luxor with a gala parade, capped off with an appearance from Mummy Claus.

Peter Buck, the nuclear physicist who co-founded Subway sandwich shops, died at age 90. Buck is widely credited for using sub-atomic particle splicing to create the world’s chintziest meat sandwich.

A North Korean man was sentenced to death by firing squad for smuggling video of Squid Game into the country. His family begged for leniency, saying he’s mentally ill for wanting to return to North Korea after leaving.

Procter & Gamble is recalling 18 Old Spice and Secret aerosol deodorants because they contain a cancer-causing chemical. Consumers should return the products for a refund, unless they already have cancer and stink.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are still together, making 2021 the first Thanksgiving in decades where Kim didn’t have dark meat.

Claire, a Scottish deerhound, became the first-ever repeat Best In Show winner at the National Dog Show. “Bitch”, muttered the runners-up.

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The FDA ordered stronger warnings to patients receiving breast implants, advising of the risks from possible lymphoma, and further risks from rupture of the implants, bras, t-shirts & sweaters.

The FDA warnings will be printed on boxes containing the implants, because apparently savvy boob shoppers buy them at Big Lots before taking them to a surgeon for installation.

Facebook changed its corporate name to Meta, emphasizing its shift to the Metaverse, an immersive virtual reality where you have hundreds of friends, but only a handful like anything you do there.

A Broward County, Florida school board member organized an elementary school field trip to visit Rosie’s, a famous area gay bar. Outraged parents questioned the trip, before realizing how many of the kids now have offers for after-school server & kitchen jobs.

‘Jenny’, a half-mile long trapping system, removed 63,000 pounds of trash from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch – now it will be recalibrated to remove things other than ThighMasters and old VHS porno movies.

South Korean intelligence services report North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un has lost 20 kilograms, but remains healthy. He’s practicing KETO – Killing Every Treasonous Opponent.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania woman gave birth to a baby boy while in a car on Interstate 476. Labor took around 10 minutes, but would have been even faster if she had EZ Pass.

After a video showing an unknown woman exiting the back of his delivery van went viral, Amazon terminated the driver. He then received an email from the woman estimating his severance package will be delivered in about nine months.

Joe Biden is considering $450,000 payments to families separated at the U.S.’ southern border. But they’ve already rejected dozens of claims from lazy millennials seeking to cash in by walking around El Paso asking where their parents are.

Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was charged with misdemeanor sexual misconduct. Cuomo will respond to the charges once he meets with and fondles his attorney.

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Internet sleuths speculate fugitive Brian Laundrie is hiding beneath the backyard garden at his parents house, adding he may be dead, but he’s there pushing up daisies and tomatoes.

Huntington Beach, California is set to reopen after a massive oil spill closed the beach and damaged wildlife. Local lawyers purchased billboards saying they’re ready to sue for slip-and-fall injuries on the shore.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un called on officials to improve the living conditions and food availability for citizens, saying North Koreans aren’t even living long enough for him to execute them.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says it’s okay for Americans to trick-or-treat on Halloween, but to exercise caution. Not because of COVID-19, but because it’s a Sunday, and Dads giving out candy are probably drunk after watching football and could fall on children.

Plus-size women slammed ‘Dancing With The Stars’ pro Lindsey Arnold for saying her new athletic wear line is for “all women” -since sizes only go up to Large. Arnold responded to ask XL & larger women what their workouts are, and they never answered.

The creators of mascot Phillie Phanatic settled their lawsuit with the Philadelphia Phillies, who redesigned the Phanatic in 2020 after being declared non-binary, with a chosen pronoun of “it”.

Raising Cane’s fast-food chicken locations are so short of workers, 250 of their 500 corporate office employees are staffing the restaurants. The other 250 are chasing and killing chickens.

Former Trump campaign adviser Corey Lewandowski is reportedly banned from all Trump properties and events after sexually harrassing a woman at a September fundraiser. Lewandowski was reportedly drunk, and Trump demands employees remain sober while sexually harrassing women.

Drugmaker Merck asked the FDA for emergency approval for its COVID-19 pill, saying it would help those who prefer pills to vaccines, and that it could be secretly slipped in to the drinks of anti-vaxxers.

Kim Kardashian West reportedly asked comedian friends Ellen Degeneres, Dave Chappelle, James Corden & others for help with her Saturday Night Live debut. Joe Piscopo is still waiting for his phone call.

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A family of wild bobcats is living on a woman’s front porch in the Arizona suburbs. Wildlife officials warned the woman not to feed them. She doesn’t, but is concerned that they’ve already been getting Amazon and Doordash deliveries.

Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary. In other news, fellow Justice Stephen Breyer just gave Clarence Thomas his first marijuana gummy bear.

Downtown Philadelphia now has multiple marijuana dispensaries and just one fast-food burger restaurant. Uber drivers are getting rich driving high customers from one to the other.

The New York Yankees made 70-year-old Gwen Goldman a batgirl for Monday’s game, 60 years after they turned her down because she was a girl, and because she refused to go drinking with Mickey Mantle.

Dion Cini, who unfurled ‘Trump Won’ banners at several Major League Baseball stadiums, has been banned from all MLB games & facilities. He’ll now unfurl the banners in the minors in hope of working his way back up to the big leagues.

Ireland is limiting ‘indoor hospitality’ to vaccinated citizens only, due to fear that the Delta variant of COVID-19 could be spread during drunken bar brawls.

Philadelphia 76ers play-by-play announcer Marc Zumoff announced his retirement. Zumoff was lauded by the team for his consummate professionalism during his 27-year run, capped off by his ability to not curse at Ben Simmons in the 2021 Playoffs.

The man who jumped out of a taxiing American Airlines jet at LAX said he “smoked a lot of meth” before boarding. He did so after realizing he wasn’t flying Spirit Airlines so he couldn’t buy and smoke it in-flight.

Citizens are concerned that President Kim Jong Un has lost as much as 50 pounds. They’re not sure if it’s caused by illness, or the all-new North Korean Noom.

The Algerian Coast Guard found 1,000 pounds of cocaine floating in the ocean, then celebrated the retirement of everyone in the Algerian Coast Guard.

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims in a new memoir that Kim Jong Un ‘winked’ at her during a summit. A North Korean spokesman disputes this, stating Sanders was chewing an Arby’s Big Montana with her mouth open and it flew into Kim’s eye.

New analysis shows hospitalized COVID-19 patients respond favorably to steroid treatments, with most gaining enough strength to bench-press their ventilator.

Michael Jordan acquired an ownership stake in online wagering service DraftKings, then lost it later that day betting a guy who beat him at golf.

Donald Trump said in an interview that police officers like the one who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back “choke” like golfers missing a short putt. Racist cops disagreed, saying they usually choke suspects first, then shoot.

Website WalletHub ranked Philadelphia the second-worst city in the nation to drive. The worst city is Whatever One Takes You In To Philadelphia.

Melania Trump’s former adviser Stephanie Winston-Wolcott claims Melania used private email accounts to conduct official White House business. Melania said it was just easier selling her Oval Office nude photos using Gmail.

Airliners approaching & departing LAX reported seeing a man in a jetpack at an altitude of about 3,000 feet. Spirit Airlines then said he was the only guy booked on a flight so they let him fly self-service.

YouTube vlogger Caleb Simpson and a friend rode white go-karts through New York City while dressed as Mario and Luigi to recreate Mario Kart. Police arrested a person of interest chasing them while tossing bob-bombs.

A new analysis names MacKenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, as the Wealthiest Woman In The World. Authors of the analysis are being asked for her address by Jerry Falwell, Jr’s old poolboy.

A Dutch inventor claims to have created a solar-powered handheld gaming console. Now when parents tell their lazy kids to “go outside”, they’ll have something they want to do.

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McDonald’s is offering free meals to healthcare workers and first responders, so they can switch things up and have someone take care of them when they become ill.

The U.S. Navy declassified three UFO videos taken by Navy pilots. The UFOs are planning a multi-city flyover to honor the brave extraterrestrials living among us. 

To prove that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un is alive, North Korean media published a letter he allegedly sent to South Africa’s President Cyril Ramaphosa dated April 27th. However, in the letter Kim asked Ramaphosa what he wants for Christmas. 

Felicity Huffman’s daughter Sophia was accepted to college based on her own SAT scores. Welcome Sophia Huffman to Strayer University’s Class of 2029. 

Comcast and Verizon have extended their pledge not to disconnect past-due customers through June 30th. Actually, it’ll be a lot longer since they’ll need your phone and internet connected to hound you to pay your bill. 

Camera drone maker DJI upped the specs on its new Mavic Air 2 model to 34 minutes of flight time and 48-megapixel photos – now creeps can hover it outside the bathroom windows of women who take really long showers. 

An ozone hole that formed over the Arctic this spring and grew into the largest ever, has now closed. Although next week it will reopen for curbside ozone pickup only. 

Starting May 1st, portions of Yokohama, Japan’s Unko Museum – dedicated entirely to poop – will be available for virtual tours. If you don’t want to wait until then, you can fill your computer screen with poop by streaming The Ingraham Angle.

The cast of ‘Melrose Place’ is reuniting for an episode of YouTube’s “Stars In The House”, to raise money for out-of-work actors, like most of the cast of ‘Melrose Place’. 

JetBlue announced passengers will be required to wear face masks on flights. Spirit Airlines also made a policy change, announcing passengers will be required to wear pants.