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Traffic data indicate that post-pandemic commutes are shifting from 9-to-5 schedules to 10-to-4. This is validated by cops seeing more road rage shootings at 10:15a.m. & 4:15p.m..

Four million baby boomers are projected to retire each year for the next four years, creating opportunities for young job seekers in such areas as laying off baby boomers who don’t retire.

The FDA is set to approve new blood tests to detect Alzheimer’s and colon cancer. Cologuard may start testing for Alzheimer’s, as grandparents send boxed stool samples to their grandchildren for their birthdays by mistake.

Organizers of the San Francisco Marathon infuriated competitors in the Half-Marathon event, by mistakenly making it just 12.6 miles instead of 13.1. One entrant did complete a full half-marathon – he entered the marathon and had a heart attack after 13.1 miles.

Researchers in Japan determined a way to bond living skin tissue to a robot. Then every single one of them proposed marriage to the robots.

Intel is laying off 15,000 employees – who are now going fron IntelInside to IntelOutside.

The $269 Ninja Slushi – which cranks out frozen slush drinks in minutes – is a new viral sensation. Unfortunately, kids have wised up and won’t be fooled by broccoli slush no matter how fun it looks.

Lauryn ‘Pumpkin’ Efird – daughter of Mama June and sister of Honey Boo-Boo, filed for divorce from her husband of six years. They’ll share custody of two kids and Pumpkin-carve up the rest of their assets.

Tori Spelling said she’s planning to start an OnlyFans so she can send her kids to college. Spelling is 51 and has had five kids so she’s telling them to focus on community college.

A pregnant Cardi B is once again filing for divorce from husband Offset after another cheating allegation. This is believed to be her third divorce filing, according to her lawyer who was smart enough to keep the second filing in their Drafts folder.

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A shark bit a 14-year-old boy during a lifeguard training class in Florida. Organizers have since stopped lifeguards-in-training from trying CPR on sharks.

Google will begin offering “dark web reports” to all users in late July, so they can see who else besides Google is abusing their personal information.

Customers of Ticketmaster whose personal information may have been compromised in a hack have been told to sign up for a credit monitoring service, for a $75 convenience fee.

Hailey Welch of ‘Hawk Tuah’ viral fame surpassed 1 million Instagram followers. She’s now offering social media mentoring to her sister, Slurp Tuah.

Google Maps is now suggesting in-route ‘detours’ to sponsored advertisers’ destinations – leading to record enrollment in Google Ads training by truck stop prostitutes.

People Magazine published a list of 13 rules that men must follow to be cast on The Bachelorette – including agreement to 24-hour filming, cell phone confiscation, limited Internet access, and a psychological exam they’re required to fail.

Brazil’s Pantanal – the world’s largest wetland – is on fire. Responders have no choice but to make it even wetter.

Masked thieves stole $1,700 from a Chipotle restaurant in the Philadelphia suburbs. They’d originally taken $1,600, but then asked for a little extra.

Twitch streamer Sketch – who livestreams Madden NFL football video games – addressed the leak of OnlyFans porn he’d done years earlier. He expressed relief that he no longer had to hide it, but promised his football followers he’d no longer be spiked in the end zone.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly was a good samaritan, helping a drunk party guest at a bash in the Hamptons over the weekend. DiCaprio reported helped the man sober up to the point where he could give DiCaprio the phone number of his 21-year-old cousin.

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Online platform Fanvue announced the finalists in the Miss AI Pageant – a contest for AI-generated female personas. Judging will be based on realism, their social clout, and the number of dick pics received in online voting.

Apple unveiled a new calculator app for iPad OS 18, which displays math work written with an Apple Pencil, has graphing features, and when you enter 80085 will display actual boobs.

An activist investor is seeking a hostile takeover of Southwest Airlines, citing disappointing financial results. A passenger on a Spirit Airlines flight experienced a hostile takeover of his aisle seat by a large bully who paid $26 for his ticket.

A man celebrating his recovery from prostate cancer surgery at a diner sneezed, forcing part of his colon to fall out of his body. He was rushed to a nearby hospital and is fine, while other diner patrons asked not to have whatever he ordered.

The WNBA is experiencing record TV viewership with the arrival of rookie Caitlin Clark. It’s such a big jump, Clark is being recruited to play in the United Football League next year to help their crummy ratings.

A 21-year-old man was assaulted by two other men just before sundown on Saturday at the Jersey Shore’s Wildwood boardwalk. He was treated and is recovering at the Calmwood boardwalk.

Moderna is reporting positive test results from its combination flu/COVID vaccine, saying immunity is as good as the individual shots, and they can get two tracking microchips in test subjects at the same time.

Increased occupancy rates indicate malls and shopping centers are making a comeback. Shoplifting is making an even bigger comeback

Donald Trump is at risk of losing the liquor licenses for his Pennsylania and New Jersey golf & country clubs because he’s now a convicted felon. Trump executives Eric & Don Jr. hope to throw off regulators by changing the name of the clubs to Tromp.

Former ‘The Sopranos’ star Drea De Matteo said starting an OnlyFans account made her realize that she’s a ’52-year-old woman with a smokin’ hot body’. “I wouldn’t say ‘smokin’…” said a fan who cancelled.

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Doctors and women are sharing stories of ‘Ozempic babies’ – born to women whose extreme weight loss restored their fertility. They’re thrilled to be pregnant but bummed out about the weight gain.

‘Mammoth’ – the world’s largest vacuum designed to remove pollution from the air, opened in Iceland. It sucks 36,000 tons of carbon emissions from the atmosphere each year, and takes 500 housekeepers to change the vacuum bag.

The CDC is warning of the new COVID variant, ‘FLiRT’. It infects you after convincing you to sign up for its OnlyFans.

Americans tip an average of $38/month. They say they’d rather tip less but don’t want to learn how to multiply by percentages.

American fans of Taylor Swift are traveling to Paris to see the first European shows of her Eras Tour, citing much lower prices they found on TicketMonsieur.

A cruise ship employee was arrested after going on a stabbing spree, thus cutting short the maiden voyage of the new Spirit Airlines Of The Sea cruise line.

Kardashians matriarch Kris Jenner announced she has a tumor in a preview of Season 5 of Hulu’s ‘The Kardashians’. The tumor then hired an agent and negotiated Season 1 of ‘Keeping Up With Kris Jenner’s Tumor’ on Peacock.

In a decades-long study, meats were shown to have the biggest negative impact on mortality of all ultraprocessed foods – citing heart attacks in grade school kids who doubled up on Lunchables.

Neuralink announced their first in-human brain transplant has experienced a problem. The company said the problem persisted after unplugging the implant, waiting 30 seconds, then plugging it back in again.

A woman in China removed an unconscious pig from her car and attempted to revive it with CPR on a busy highway. The pig died, but was later praised for having an especially tenderized pork belly.

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Fired former Twitter employees are suing Elon Musk for severance payments. These Ex-employees are demanding to be paid like X employees.

Rice Krispies Treats edged out Doritos as the nation’s most popular snack, with voters appreciating how much of them remained stuck to their teeth while they completed the survey.

A guest at the Venetian Las Vegas hotel was bit in the testicles by a scorpion in his bed. He was treated and released at a local hospital, and saved $300 off the going rate for being bit in the testicles in your Las Vegas hotel room.

Millennials are poised to become the richest population group in history, with $90 trillion in wealth expected to be transferred to them from prior generations..if they can just hang on in their boomer parents basements for a few more years.

Bowflex filed for bankruptcy, notifying a judge with a 30-minute infomercial he saw on tv at 12:30a.m.

A new satellite was launched into orbit, with a sole purpose to track methane gas – responsible for 30% of global warming. So far it’s produced a detailed map of cow pastures and Mexican restaurants.

Comedian Nick Swardson was deemed too intoxicated to perform and was escorted off stage 20 minutes in to his set at a Colorado theater. Then they brought out Rob Schneider and the crowd asked if Swardson could return.

Ultra-processed foods such as cereals and fizzy drinks have now been linked to 32 harmful health effects. Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes boxes are being updated with Tony The Tiger saying “they’re grrrrreat! for gaining weight!”

The family of porn star Emily Willis started a GoFundMe to raise $60,000 to cover her medical bills after an apparent drug overdose. They were going to start an OnlyFans but the nurses kept ruining the shots.

Viral video shows a turf war brawl outside of a Bangkok hotel between transgender prostitutes from Thailand and the Philippines. Police arrested dozens, who were then released in to the custody of TLC Network executives offering them a reality show.

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Country singer Kacey Musgraves collaborated on a $56 candle with company Boy Smells…since Gwyneth Paltrow already had the candle market for Girl Smells cornered.

Singapore reportedly paid Taylor Swift millions to be the only nation in Southeast Asia hosting her Eras Tour. Nonetheless, North Koreans called watching Kim Jong Un in a blonde wig lip-syncing to three hours of her songs ‘the greatest concert ever’.

Kanye West was told he couldn’t perform shows in Europe, Australia & Asia because of his ‘controversial image’. There’s that, and those countries’ shortage of blacks.

Good news: a new study finds taking daily fiber supplements improves brain function in adults 60 & older in a matter of weeks. Bad news: the seniors now do all their best thinking while on the toilet.

Donald Trump supporters are allegedly creating AI deepfake pictures of him with black people to convince them to vote for him. They say it’s working, but others don’t believe that’s really him playing in the NBA All-Star Game.

A man died of Vitamin D toxicity, according to an autopsy showing he had lethal levels of milk & sunshine.

Spirit Airlines & JetBlue cancelled their merger plans .. and about 100 flights each just to show they were back to business as usual.

A 42-year-old resident of Wales broke a world record with 69 different tattoos of rabbits on his body. He started in 2009 with two, and they’ve rapidly multiplied in the years since.

Three American Bald Eagle eggs are set to hatch in Southern California, with livestream cameras set up to capture the unique event. Although bird watchers are furious that they have to subscribe to the mother bird’s OnlyFans to see it.

The NFL is considering moving touchbacks to the 35 yard line of the receiving team, in order to encourage more kick returns to keep the ambulance drivers and concussion specialists busy.

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Apple announced they’re ending development on an autonomous self-driving electric car, which is devastating news to the 13 & Under Division of the United Chinese Auto Workers Association.

AT&T promised to refund $5 for their massive cellular outage last week. Their AT&T customers will see a bill credit; Boost Mobile customers on AT&T’s network asked if they can get the five bucks in their CashApp.

Donald Trump is trying to post a $100 million bond to appeal his $450 million financial fraud judgment, instead of the full judgment amount required by New York law. He said he has the other $350 million, but the banks in Moscow are closed.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai called its Gemini AI blunder – which depicted Asians & Blacks as World War II-era Nazis – “unacceptable”. “Yeah! What HE said!” replied American Nazis.

Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund will sponsor the Men’s ATP Tennis Tour. They wanted to sponsor the Women’s Tour, but players felt they’d trip on the ankle-length skirts.

Mitch McConnell will step down from his role as GOP Leader in the U.S. Senate, in a prepared announcement made by the sign language interpreter, then by McConnell himself a minute later when the words finally traveled from his brain to his mouth.

Monica Lewinsky made her fashion debut in a campaign for L.A.-based work apparel brand Reformation, with one photo captioned ‘Monica F*cking Lewinsky’. Historians are debating whether the f should be an s. R

‘The Sopranos‘ actress Drea De Matteo said joining OnlyFans saved her house from foreclosure and paid off her mortgage “in five minutes” at a time when she had only $10 to her name. Meanwhile, OnlyFans posthumous nudes of Paulie Walnuts haven’t been a real moneymaker.

Actress Busy Philipps said of her role in infamous Wayans Brothers film ‘White Chicks‘ that she was embarrassed at first….and second…and third…and now.

Hip-hop superstar Travis Scott’s Brentwood, California mansion is now resting on a massive hillside crack. He’s concerned, but as his romance with Kylie Jenner would show, he’s also a fan of massive cracks.

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Historians have traced the romantic act of kissing on the lips as far back as 4,500 years, which is also when they discovery date of the first-ever Friend Zone.

The White House briefed lawmakers on a ‘serious national security threat’ related to Russia. They wouldn’t provide specifics, but said the threat probably had a Big Mac and Diet Coke for lunch before it went golfing.

Singles are reportedly sick of dating apps, and are increasingly attending in-person singles mixers to find partners. For their part, Tinder and Grindr say the “singles mixers” they help set up are still going strong.

The inventor of Pop-Tarts has died. He chose not to be cremated, but lightly browned.

Waymo, the self-driving car division of Google, recalled software after two of its vehicles struck the same truck. The truck had apparently cut them both off, spurring robot rage.

A sinkhole in Wilmington, Delaware partiallly swallowed a United States Postal Service truck. Fortunately, the rats living beneath the street were able to retrieve their Priority Mail packages themselves.

Two moms who work at McDonald’s are suing, because they say their break time is insufficient to pump breast milk, and that there’s no private place to do it. They also say they’re tired of managers suggesting they put any extra in the McFlurry machine.

A former Penn State University professor who’d already been arrested for having sex with his pet collie was arrested again for nudity in a public park with a tree branch and a Tootsie Pop in his rectum. Meanwhile, the collie just wants to move on with her life.

Rachel Dolezal, a white woman who famously identified as black, was fired from an elementary school teaching job over her OnlyFans account. She’s also confusing the OnlyFans customers who find her in the Ebony section.

The U.S. Government is looking to sell the seized $300 million yacht of a Russian oligarch because it costs $600,000 per month to maintain – including cleaning, marina rental, and feeding 200 prostitutes.

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Rappers Snoop Dogg and Master P sued Walmart for breaching a deal to sell their breakfast cereal. Walmart countered, saying kids don’t want to smoke cereal for breakfast.

Apple is reportedly working on a foldable iPhone, and will begin selling it once they figure out how to make the screen break when it’s folded closed and dropped.

A Florida mom said her kids were expelled from a Catholic School because she advertised her OnlyFans page with a decal on her car. The school said she’s promoting pornography, and stealing traffic from the OnlyFans pages of priests & altar boys raising money for the school.

Google is changing the name of its artificial intelligence assistant from Bard to Gemini, and launching a paid subscription Gemini app. College students now have to figure out how to pay Gemini with Adderall and beer when it writes their term papers.

A volcano in Iceland erupted for the second time this year, sending molten lava 260 feet in the air. Iceland’s Tourism Board called the eruption “not great for our name brand”.

Scientists in England set a record by creating a nuclear fusion reaction for 5 seconds. They see it as a huge step forward in the pursuit of limitless clean energy, but a disappointment since none of them turned into The Hulk.

A hiring expert claims only half of job candidates have questions ready for interviewers when asked “Is there anything you’d like to ask me?” They advise asking about the role, coworkers & company, and not “Are those real?”

Trader Joe’s recalled frozen ‘chicken, lentil & caramelized onion pilaf’ because it may contain rocks. The FDA has launched a broader investigation to the safety protocols of supplier Flintstone Foods.

Taylor Swift released the track list for her new album, ‘The Tortured Poets Department’, and Swifties speculate some are about her breakup with British actor Joe Alwyn, including ‘So Long, London’; ‘The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” and ‘Joe Alwyn Has A Puny Dick And I’m Glad To Be Banging A Huge NFL Player’.

Finland’s flagship airline Finnair will begin weighing passengers in addition to luggage for what they call “balance calculations” for enhanced safety, and what they call “improved traction” for seating heavier passengers above the wheels.

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Only 60% of student loan borrowers made payments once they were resumed in October, according to students borrowers asking their parents if they made the payment.

Brazilian model Caroline Werner slammed the country’s legal system after she was arrested and handcuffed for walking her dogs while topless on a local beach. Men on the beach defended Werner, saying they’re always happy to see those puppies.

Pennsylvania is considering a bill mandating active-shooter panic alarms in schools – providing kids hoping to cancel tests witb a second option after the fire alarm.

Uber introduced a new service returning gifts for customers. Drivers are currently learning how to sexually harass sweaters and small appliances.

A bird strike forced the emergency landing of a Southwest Airlines flight. Taking a cue from Southwest, the bird cancelled all of its remaining flights that day.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert announced she won’t run for reelection in the third Congressional district where she lives, but will run in the state’s fourth district. She considered abandoning Colorado altogether, but found out OnlyFans customers don’t get their own Congressman.

Donald Trump issued an angry social media post refuting an accusation that he “bullied” his way to a cameo in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. He then reiterated his claim that the Wet Bandits stole votes in battleground states.

University of Wisconsin LaCrosse fired Chancellor Joe Gow after discovering he & his wife made & distributed porn videos on adult websites. However, he retains his title as Professor Emeritus of Enterpreneurship & Poundin’ It.

A woman sued her dentist, after alleging he performed 4 root canals, 8 crowns and 20 fillings in a single visit. On the bright side, she met her deductible payment for 2023.

Author Emma Flint faces criticism for defining herself as “abrosexual” – someone whose sexual identity fluctuates and changes. Flint’s supporters include many convicted felons, who say their own sexual identity changed after they went to prison.