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In the interest of gender inclusion, Boy Scouts of America is changing their name to Scouting America. However, Scoutmasters are still expected to continue Molesting America.

Panera Bread is discontinuing their caffeine-fortified Charged Lemonade following deaths of customers who drank it. “When life gives you lawsuits, you stop making Charged Lemonade” said Panera’s spokesperson.

Attorney’s in Donald Trump’s hush money case called for a mistrial during sexually explicit testimony from Stormy Daniels. The judge dismissed the motion saying that, unlike the sex between Trump & Daniels, the testimony won’t end prematurely.

Financial experts say more Americans are making the financial mistake of “spaving” – spending more to save more via Free Shipping minimums or get ‘buy one, get one offers’. They say the practice is resulting in more and more ‘spankruptcies’

Kim Kardashian’s extreme waist-cinching corset beneath her Met Gala dress made it hard to breathe. She told Vogue she felt “so snatched I (can’t tell) you how snatched I feel.” Fortunately Pete Davidson, Reggie Bush, Kanye West, Ray J, and many other athletes & celebrities know how snatched she feels – or something like that.

Anaheim, California City Council approved a massive $1.9 billion Disneyland expansion proposal called Disneyland Forward. They also rejected a smaller proposal called Disneyland Backward that would have featured freak shows and attractions targeting poor people who can’t afford Disneyland.

The Biden Administration is reportedly halting bomb shipments to Israel – although that didn’t stop ‘Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire’ from opening in cinemas in Tel Aviv & Jerusalem.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard posted sexy, post-plastic-surgery snaps on Instagram, reminding followers that there’s always hope. And that if hope runs out, you can always convince someone to murder whoever is keeping you down.

A zoo in China dyed two small dogs black-and-white and exhibited them as panda cubs. Zoogoers quickly recognized them as fakes, but that isn’t stopping the zoo from opening the new zebra exhibit with a couple of dobermans.

A doctor accused of fatally poisoning his wife listed his relationship status as ‘widower’ on dating app Bumble before her alleged murder. He found he got more dates that way than by calling himself an ‘aspiring widower’.

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Britney Spears has given consent for ex-husband Kevin Federline to move their two sons to Hawai’i with his current wife. Britney said at first she was concerned about them being in a foreign country.

MMA fighter Mike Dragich was captured on viral video wrestling with a 10-foot alligator that had gotten on the grounds of a Jacksonville, Florida elementary school. He eventually subdued the gator, and took away the assault weapon it was carrying.

The House of Representatives passed a debt ceiling bill, after Speaker Kevin McCarthy told them if they didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to use the government Visa card for birthday pizza parties.

The National Eating Disorders Association helpline is replacing hundreds of staffers and volunteers with a chatbot named Tessa. Tessa was selected for her knowledge of eating disorders, and her great work at the Butterball Turkey tip line.

A new study finds Massachusetts is the most expensive state for child care, at an average of almost $21,000 annually. The cheapest is Mississippi, where it costs just over $5,000 per year to toss your kid on the pile with the rest of them.

Rapper Azealia Banks posted a warning to Taylor Swift, calling rumored new boyfriend Matty Healy an “incel” and to not “let..him climb the rich white coochie mountain”. Healy hopes to join John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhall, Harry Styles, and a handful of explorers who successfully summited Rich White Coochie Mountain.

A triple shooting took place just outside the emergency room entrance to Temple Hospital in Philadelphia. The victims walked everal feet to get inside, then held their wounds with one hand while they filled out paperwork with the other for 45 minutes.

On the latest episode of The Kardashians, Kim is seen telling her ex Pete Davidson “what you’re getting yourself into” at the start of their romance – as she holds up a pair of her signature Skims underwear.

Kelly Ripa said that Bravo host Andy Cohen iMessage’d her a photo of his lover’s erect penis while she was looking at her work iPad. Ripa said she closed the message instead of accepting Cohen’s invite to “watch what happens live”.

The Federal Trade Commission alleges Ring doorbell cameras were not secure for years, allowing one Ring employee to watch video footage of 81 different women. The employee admitted watching the footage, but said it took him forever to find 81 women who had sex on their front porch.

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The White House publicly condemned Texas Governor Greg Abbott for sending busloads of migrants to Vice President Kamala Harris’ house on Christmas Eve. The migrants were just happy not to end up in Buffalo.

Kathy Whitworth, the winningest professional golfer ever with 88 tournament championships, passed away. Whitworth’s last title was the Lady Michelob Championship in 1982 – Lady Michelob is now known as Michelob Ultra.

GOP Congressman elect George Santos admitted to lying about his employment history and his education. He still plans to serve in Congress, but faces suspension and other sanctions from LinkedIn.

Pope Francis confirmed that retired Pope Benedict is “very sick”. It’s reached the point where Benedict reportedly asks the altar boys he’s molesting to move his hands for him.

A White House employee testified to the January 6th Committee that Donald Trump did not know his presidential schedule was public until his final weeks in office. Trump then demanded a less-detailed version be created, so instead of ‘golf and tv’, it just said ‘tv’.

A Buffalo, NY couple has cared for the body of a woman they found dead outside of their home during the city’s blizzard. But first they tried to revive her by placing an old silk hat they found on her head.

Police in Mexico arrested a truck driver transporting 660 pounds of fentanyl hidden inside of coconuts. They believe the narcotics point-of-origin was Gilligan’s South Pacific Drug Island.

Southwest Airlines CEO Bob Jordan issued a public apology for the carrier’s cancellation of thousands of flights over the Christmas holiday, ending his statement with a *ding*, letting ticket holders know they are free to move about the boarding gate where they’ve been sleeping for the past two nights.

Kim Kardashian cried during a podcast when discussing co-parenting with Kanye West, calling it “really f**king hard” – as opposed to her time dating Pete Davidson, calling that “f**king really hard”.

McDonald’s is testing a fully-automated location in Texas with no human workers to serve customers. They plan to roll it out in other locations as soon as the robots learn how to half-fill boxes of large fries.

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Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.

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The FBI raided Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate searching for classified documents. No word on what they took, but so far the biggest revelation is agents walked in on Pete Davidson banging Melania.

Toyota is offering to buy back its BZ4X electric SUV because the wheels can fall off. It’s the first known case of defective truck nuts.

Serena Williams announced she’s “evolving away from tennis” after the U.S. Open – leading to sighs of relief from line judges who can now call foot faults without being threatened with a ball being rammed down their throat.

North Korea is destroying properties at the Mount Kumgang resort area bordering South Korea. It’s hard to believe, but Trip Advisor reviews for North Korea vacations are getting even worse.

A Texas church was issued a cease-and-desist order for staging an unauthorized production of ‘Hamilton’, with lyrics changed to Bible references, and a sermon comparing homosexuality to drug addiction. After rewrites, the church plans to premiere ‘Jesus Hamilton Superstar’.

Ezra Miller, star of upcoming DC Films movie ‘The Flash’, was arrested on felony burglary charges in Vermont. An emergency meeting will be held to discuss Flash’s removal as an honorary member of the Super Friends.

Tom Cruise will reportedly star in an upcoming song-and-dance musical, working title Mission Im-Paso Doble.

China has identified a new, potentially lethal, virus within its borders, the Langya Henipavirus. To distinguish it from influenza and coronavirus, they’re simply calling it the Number 3.

Singer & actress Olivia Newton John passed away following a lenghty battle with cancer. Flags were lowered to half-staff in her native Australia, and at Rydell High.

An Ohio-based team set the world record for Fastest Monster Truck when their Jeep Gladiator topped out at 101.84mph, before running out of gas after 1/10th of a mile.

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Camden, New Jersey started a summer program encouraging food trucks to operate in the city, providing opportunities for locals who have never carjacked a food truck.

Britney Spears fired her security team after her first husband Jason Alexander crashed her wedding venue without permission. They all applied for jobs with her second husband Kevin Federline, but he told them he’s out of work too.

A man impersonating Golden State Warriors forward Klay Thompson made it past security and stayed on the team’s court for ten minutes before leaving. He managed to convince everyone he was Thompson by not practicing defensive drills.

Georgia GOP Senate candidate and former NFL star Herschel Walker, who publicly criticizes black absentee fathers, admitted he has a child he never sees. Donald Trump, who endorsed Walker, said he’s glad Herschel has his own Tiffany.

‘Jackass‘ alum Bam Margera reportedly fled his court-appointed rehab because he wasn’t getting celebrity treatment as he had in other rehab stints. And by ‘celebrity treatment’ he meant ‘cocaine’.

Dog the Bounty Hunter’s daughter Lyssa Chapman married partner Leiana Evensen. Said the officiant, “I now pronounce you bitch and bitch….you may now sniff each other’s butts”.

A Montgomery County, PA man was arrested for selling THC-laced snacks like Rice Krispies treats and Oreo brownies on a playground. Police were tipped off by middle school customers angry that they had to wait in line behind their parents.

Kim Kardashian joked with Pete Davidson, telling him the video technician she’s worked with for 14 years “has probably seen my vagina” — forgetting that across all websites, her vagina has had roughly 100 million unique visitors.

The Federal Reserve raised its prime interest rate 0.75% in an effort to curb rampant inflation. The move puts a real squeeze on millennials and Gen Z, potentially increasing student loan payments they have no intention of making anyway.

Amazon announced their annual Prime Day sale will be held July 12th & 13th, with Prime member purchases arriving via free, expedited two-day shipping on July 30th & 31st.

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A man with a gun was arrested near the home of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. He planned to kill Kavanaugh and not a different conservative Justice because he was pretty sure there would be good beer there to celebrate afterward.

The Amarillo, Texas Zoo is shared a photo taken on May 21st of a strange, wolflike creature, and asked for the public’s help to identify it. Thousands of similar tips have poured in, but Ted Cruz wasn’t in town that day.

Thailand decriminalized marijuana, but still considers smoking it in public a nuisance law violation. In other news, the entirety of Thailand is sold out of brownie mix.

Apple introduced a new ‘Medication Tracking Feature’ to remind users to take their prescription meds – a feature long-demanded by forgetful seniors and opioid addicts with Apple Watches.

Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson reportedly booked massage therapy sessions with 66 different women. Watson, who’s played in the NFL just four years, already surpassed the league record for groin pulls set by 20-year veteran Brett Favre.

The Los Angeles Rams agreed to an extension with wide receiver Cooper Kupp. And Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson negotiated an extension with several new massage therapists.

NASA’s powerful new James Webb Space Telescope suffered damage after being struck by a micrometeoroid- which fled the scene before sharing insurance information.

Prior to Game 3 of the NBA Finals, the visiting Golden State Warriors noticed the rim on the hoop they were shooting at during warmups was two inches too high. The height was corrected by the equipment supervisor – a former New England Patriots employee who inflated the footballs.

Kim Kardashian said it made her “so f**king horny” when boyfriend Pete Davidson got her Dibs ice cream bites from a drug store. Khloe Kardashian said she can relate, saying she gets horny for the Grubhub guy when he delivers the 20 oz ribeye from Sizzler.

Britney Spears will marry Sam Asghari today, in an intimate ceremony before 100 close friends and family. They chose Thursday because on the weekends they’re pretty slammed with birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese.

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Actress Stephanie Beatriz said she recorded a song for Disney’s animated film Encanto while in labor. Another little-known bit of Disney folklore: the voice actors portraying the Seven Dwarfs in Snow White were at an orgy when they recorded the vocals for Whistle While You Work.

Western observers are concerned China may be helping Russia’s invasion of Ukraine by supplying inconspicuous items to Russian forces like spare parts and meals. They cite as evidence hundreds of menus left on Russian tanks.

Pete Davidson has backed out of a spot on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin sub-orbital space flight, after customer service refused his Free Companion Fare coupon and a request for an extra-wide seat.

A Russian Burger King franchisee refuses to close 800 Russian restaurants, but faces tough economic sanctions as the United States, Canada & European Union withhold the pickles and withhold the lettuce.

COVID deaths in Hong Kong are surging – crematoriums are at capacity and there’s a shortage of coffins. Worse, stores are selling out of the really big Ziploc freezer bags.

A Texas woman had a 20-pound tumor removed from her right ovary. It was so big, it was an ovary and an undery.

According to the Gallup World Poll, Finland is the World’s Happiest Nation for the fifth consecutive year. The United States ranked 16th, leading many to worry Americans will move to Finland and ruin it.

Paparazzi captured Kim Kardashian & Pete Davidson at a Los Angeles In N Out drive thru, then driving home where Pete got In N Out dozens of times later.

The first-ever Marvel Comics #1 from 1939 sold at auction for $2.3 million dollars. It’s extremely rare and features characters such as The Human Torch, Masked Raider, Submariner and President Joe Biden.

Wildfires throughout Central Texas are leading local officials to issue emergency evacuation orders. They were unable to reach Senator Ted Cruz until his flight landed in Hawai’i.

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Walmart announced they’re hiring 50,000 more workers before May, 50 of whom are expected to still be there in June.

Drug overdose deaths reached a new annual record in 2021, caused by a surge in Fentanyl, and man-boosting Testofen in Nugenix Total T.

President Joe Biden demanded a faster reduction in gas prices. While at the gas station he also demanded three packs of wintergreen Life Savers and a bag of Werther’s Originals.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson is quitting after 13 years. Once a new CEO is confirmed, the Board Of Baristas will announce them by issuing a ceremonial cup with their name misspelled.

For the first time in the show’s history, ‘The Bachelor‘ Clayton Echard ended with every remaining Bachelorette either being dumped or rejecting him. In case you missed it, you can watch the same thing play out in every bar every Friday night.

Several NFL teams remain ‘in the mix’ for Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson. It’s believed the asking price is multiple first round picks to acquire Watson and his 20+ sexual misconduct lawsuits.

The International Court of Justice ordered Russia to cease its invasion of Ukraine. Moments later, Rudy Giuliani filed an appeal on Russia’s behalf.

A UFC fighter subdued a man who opened fire in a Houston sushi restaurant. If you want to see the surveillance footage, it’ll cost you $60 on pay per view this Saturday.

Marylin Miglin, the “Queen Of Makeovers” from Home Shopping Network, died after a stroke. Memorial contributions can be made in four easy payments.

Kanye West ripped Pete Davidson over Davidson’s joke about wanting to have sex with a baby. Davidson was also ripped by two dozen male open-mic comedians for stealing their premise.

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Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.