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Wells Fargo will not renew their naming rights for Philadelphia’s Wells Fargo Center, home to the NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers, the NHL’s Philadelphia Flyers, and much of the city’s disappointment.

Southwest Airlines announced a big policy change and will begin assigning seats. They’ll still allow a free-for-all at boarding, then pissy flight attendants will make people move.

A Wawa in Richboro, Pennsylvania caused thousands of dollars in damage to cars by selling contaminated fuel. Customers also complained of contaminated gas after consuming their meatball hoagies and pizza.

Scurry County in West Texas allegedly recorded 61 earthquakes in 7 days. Women sitting on the floor there looked at their husbands and boyfriends and asked “what do I need you for?”

Boars Head recalled salami, bologna & liverwurst due to listeria. It’s already sickened multiple school kids and day laborers with terrible made-at-home lunches.

HGTV star of ‘Flip or Flop’ and ‘Christina On The Coast’ Christina Haack announced she’s divorcing third husband Josh Hall, adding “it’s personal”, but that we’ll know all of the personal details if we just watch her show.

McDonald’s missed their quarterly earnings estimates, despite a broad cost-cutting initiative to leave the fries out of the bag at the drive-thru.

Chick-fil-A debunked a rumor that they’re removing waffle fries from the menu. However they have yet to contradict a rumor that employees will replace the popular phrase “my pleasure” with “go f*** yourself”.

Twin sisters from Detroit celebrated their 100th birthday. They said they’ve lived amazing lives and have fulfilled many of their dreams, with the exception of getting the hell out of Detroit.

A United Airlines flight from Houston to Boston was diverted because of a ‘biohazard’ that made flight attendants vomit and passengers beg for masks. A United spokesperson said they plan to petition the Houston airport to close the Indian food buffet.

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Sales of barbecue grills are reportedly down because of an increase in meat prices. Violent incidents at backyard parties are reportedly up because of an increase in serving of grilled vegetables.

The Boston Celtics are for sale. The only bid so far has been rejected, from a group of investors who want to change the name to The Reigning NBA Champion Philadelphia 76ers.

A study finds eating ultra processed foods causes a 10% reduction in life span. Lunchables now come with a discount coupon from Trust & Will.

Redbox declared bankruptcy. They owe $1 billion in debt and another 500 million in late fees.

Theme parks Six Flags and Cedar Point are planning a multi-billion dollar merger, pending approval from the roving gangs of teen punks terrorizing families at each.

Hurricane Beryl strengthened to Category 5, as it approaches Jamaica. Jamaica’s President, paraphrasing Bob Marley, told residents “every little thing…is not gonna be alright”.

Atlantic City, New Jersey officials formed the Boardwalk Improvement Group. The group is tasked with making a safer, more enjoyable experience for visitors on the boardwalk, and better drug deals and prostitution under it.

Pennsylvania fireworks stores are seeing increased foot traffic in advance of July 4th. Pennsylvania emergency rooms are expected to see increased missing finger, hand & foot traffic as well.

Harvard research shows Lexapro, Paxil & Cymbalta antidepressants cause the most weight gain – leading to the happy introduction of Ozempic w/Lexapro.

A social media trend among air travelers is “raw dogging” – flying with no headphones, video entertainment, snacks, drinks or personal items. This is also what Spirit Airlines calls Premium Class.

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Merry Christmas! Thank you to loyal & occasional readers. Have a terrific holiday. cd

The wives of three Philadelphia Eagles players hosted an EaGals Christmas Party for team member’s wives and girlfriends. The Philadelphia 76ers tried, but too many fights broke out when six of the players had their wife & 3 of their girlfriends each show up.

President Joe Biden will issue pardons for certain marijuana offenses, and for a very small number of crack cocaine & prostitution offenses committed by friends of one of his kids.

Philadelphia Police are investigating two suspicious car fires in the city’s Roxborough section – saying it’s easier than investigating the 50 carjackings in the city’s other sections.

A paraplegic claims Delta Airlines let him crawl to his seat when boarding assistance personnel were unavailable. Spirit Airlines said they allow people crawling to their seats to preboard so they’ll have the most time to buy more drinks before takeoff.

The Food & Drug Administration said they seized thousands of counterfeit units of diabetes/weight loss drug Ozempic. In a related story, Dollar Tree said they’re closing their pharmacy counters until further notice.

Satellite radio provider Sirius XM is accused of trapping customers in subscriptions and making it impossible to cancel. It’s so bad, workers at Comcast/Xfinity call centers are dialing in to learn a few new tricks.

A woman arrested for attempting to have her husband murdered in the Bahamas was allowed to go back to the United States for Christmas to visit her children. She has to stay 100 yards from her husband, and not even think about giving him the fruitcake she made.

Tinder is offering $499/month Tinder Select memberships to a limited number of “most sought after” users. In other news, two teen boys who stole their dad’s credit card are busy catching up on all the nude pics they’re getting.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram video showing the charred remains of her home gym following a house fire she started in 2020, when she fired her trainer for telling her to ‘feel the burn’.

A married couple drove an electric car 18,000 miles in an historic journey from the North Pole to the South Pole to raise awareness for climate change and use of electric vehicles. They’re currently looking for divorce lawyers at the South Pole.

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Philadelphia 76ers guard Kelly Oubre Jr was the victim of a hit-and-run after the side mirror of a car struck him and broke his rib. Nevertheless, an NBA referee assessed Oubre with a blocking foul for moving when he was hit.

A FedEx employee is charged with stealing $99,000 worth of gold coins from a package. He was released on bail, and the coins were forwarded to their intended recipient, Scrooge McDuck.

The Marvels bombed at the global box office, turning in the lowest ticket sales ever for a Marvel Cinematic Universe film on its opening weekend. MCU Executive Producer Kevin Feige is now considering halting production on Ant Man’s Spring Break.

NASA astronauts Jasmin Moghbeli and Loral O’Hara completed maintenance during a spacewalk outside the International Space Station in just over six hours, despite dropping their tool bag. They spent twenty minutes tightening screws, and five hours floating to the ISS Home Depot for a new wrench.

Texas A&M fired head football coach Jimbo Fisher, but will pay him the $77 million remaining on his $95 million contract. Fisher said $95 million feels like fair payment for having to spend the past six years of his life living in Southeast Texas.

As prices of olives and olive oil surge, olive growers in Greece say thieves are cutting down trees and stealing them – resulting in some of the lowest-speed police pursuits ever recorded.

Barry Manilow explained why he didn’t come out as gay until 2017 – saying he assumed everyone figured it out in 1977.

Travis Kelce used the Kansas City Chiefs bye week to fly to Argentina and attend a Taylor Swift concert – while other single Chiefs teammates stayed in Missouri and had sex with several different women that no one’s ever heard of.

The New York Post reports that some migrants bused from the Southern Border to Chicago are deciding to return to their home country because the city’s resources are depleted. The migrants were given the choice of returning home, or giving it a go in Cleveland.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex-girlfriend Victoria Lamas was denied entry into the actor’s 49th birthday party. Lamas reportedly showed her ID and was turned away because she was over 21.

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A 29-year-old Florida woman was arrested after smearing her dog’s poop on the face of her 76-year-old neighbor following an argument. The dog confirmed it was his poop after sniffing the neighbor’s face.

Disgruntled Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden said he’s lost trust in General Manager Daryl Morey, comparing his situation to a bad marriage. Harden may be the only man in America seeking a different marriage while his current one pays him $33 million a year.

Madonna kicks off her ‘Celebration’ tour in London. She said the show features over 40 songs, although fans hope she means 40 different songs, and not songs she recorded since she turned 40.

Non-alcoholic beer sales are up 33 percent. Industry experts cite improved taste & quality, and Coors Light admitting it’s just tinted river water.

Philadelphia police are investigating a road rage shooting in a McDonald’s drive-thru. The victim was listed in stable condition after taking a bullet from a big MAC-10.

The 2028 Los Angeles Summer Olympics will add flag football. It will be the first Olympics with a concussion tent.

San Francisco 49ers running back Christian McCaffrey tied OJ Simpson’s record with a touchdown in his 15th straight game. “You’re killing it!” said his teammates.

The world’s first solar-powered off-road SUV just completed a trek across Morocco powered only by the sun. They now plan an even more challenging trek across the New Jersey Turnpike in the rain.

M&Ms claims their ‘Halloween Rescue Squad’ will deliver candy to your house on Halloween within an hour if you run out. Just tell them which front door covered in raw eggs and shaving cream is yours.

A man fired his family therapist after the doctor asked for tips following sessions with the man and his teen son. The therapist did give the man a tip, telling him his kid is bipolar.

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A new trend is for brides to get a haircut between the ceremony and reception to symbolize the start of something new. Although some brides are angry when the groom mentions liking the new ‘do because it reminds them of the bride’s sister.

Gun shots were fired and a teen was critically injured during a party in the empty parking lot at a Philadelphia soccer stadium. Cops say this is the most excitement they’ve ever seen at a soccer venue.

Venice’s grand canal mysteriously turned bright green. “Its-a il burlone (the Joker)”, said Italian Batman.

A Carnival Cruise liner returning from the Bahamas encountered hurricane force winds and waves, flooding the ship and making dozens of passengers even more violently ill than they usually get from the buffet.

Researchers believe an increase in colon cancer among younger patients is caused by fungus usually found in toe nails. They believe parents may be putting their foot up the ass of their kids to make them get a job.

Scientists believe the predominant cause of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome may be a defective brain receptor controlling breathing – followed closely by one-star rated Care.com babysitters

The NBA Philadelphia 76ers hired Nick Nurse as their new head coach. Nurse promises to deliver a championship to whatever team he works for after the Sixers fire him.

2.7 million travelers flew commercial U.S. airlines over the Memorial Day weekend, the most since Thanksgiving 2019. Both Southwest and Spirit say they set new records for the number of flight attendants knocked out by passengers.

A new study finds that weightlifting & resistance exercises focused on the legs helps prevent heart attack victims from a second episode. Or you can just sit on the couch and not do squats.

An Australian man was able to pry his head out of the jaws of a crocodile after being attacked while snorkeling. The man suffered minor injuries, and the crocodile is amazed how much easier it is to breathe while swimming with the snorkel he stole.

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A group of Wyoming men tied the hair of their beards together in a bar and set a new world record for Longest Beard Chain. Their record was verified by several head lice who walked the full 150-foot length of the chain.

Former Playboy model Kelsey Turner plead guilty to murdering her 71-year-old psychiatrist. The presiding judge said he reviewed her statement to police, but mostly just looked at her pictures.

Amazon announced a new virtual healthcare service for allergies, acne and hair loss. They’ll treat thousands who developed severe acne and lost their hair over the stress of their Amazon warehouse jobs.

Consumer Reports claims electric vehicles are now less reliable as more manufacturers enter the category and introduce new technology. Their claim is disputed by the CEO of Yugo Electric.

Actress Hilarie Burton called Candace Cameron Bure a ‘bigot’ over Cameron Bure’s statement that her Great American Country Christmas movies will only feature heterosexual romance. Burton and Cameron Bure then returned to their respective mountain hometowns to help save independent candy stores from foreclosure.

Dave Chappelle reportedly tricked Saturday Night Live by doing a different monologue in dress rehearsal than one he performed on the live show. Producers say they weren’t fooled because the dress rehearsal routine lasted 2 1/2 hours.

Elon Musk emailed Twitter employees saying they needed to do “extremely hardcore” work or “get out”. The news worried employees hoping for work/life balance, but motivated female employees with Only Fans accounts.

Disney World increased ticket prices for the second time in a year. In a related move, free passes for Make-A-Wish families will be restricted to patients who almost definitely aren’t going to make it.

A bus full of migrants sent from Texas by Governor Greg Abbott arrived in Philadelphia. After several minutes in the city, nearly all of them called for 76ers Coach Doc Rivers to resign.

Newly-single Gisele Bundchen claims Joaquim Valente, a jiu jitsu instructor, is joining her in Costa Rica because he’s training the whole family. Though Bundchen’s kids admit Joaquin is spending a lot of time teaching Mom the full-mount jiu jitsu position.

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The NFL’s Cleveland Browns banned a fan who hit team owner Jimmy Haslam in the head with a bottle following the Browns loss to the New York Jets. Dozens of fans who threw bottles at Haslam and missed retain the privilege of paying to see the Browns.

The COO of meat substitute maker Beyond Meat was arrested for biting the nose of a man during an altercation after a college football game. The man’s nose will be reconstructed from ground lentils and tofu.

Elton John will perform at the White House. It will be Elton’s first 2pm performance in years, followed by an early bird special where President Biden will ask him whatever happened to his bandmates in the Bay City Rollers.

300 workers at Home Depot in Philadelphia filed to form a labor union – but none of them know what aisle the caulk is in.

Philadelphia Eagles cornerback Darius Slay intercepted a pass during the team’s Monday night game over the Minnesota Vikings, then gave the football to Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden. Harden then demanded the football be traded for a beer and nachos.

A New York City weatherman was fired after he posed nude on an adult webcam site. Viewers could expect anywhere from six to eight inches.

Donald Trump ally Kash Patel published a children’s book about a rigged election. Since it’s not a pop-up book, Trump is not expected to read it.

A U.S. health panel now recommends all adults under age 65 be screened for anxiety. Although they don’t have any ideas for what to do about adults with anxiety about doctor visits.

A judge halted the execution of an Alabama inmate who requested to die by nitrogen hypoxia, after his lawyers argued he would suffer “irreparable injury” from lethal injection. Alabama prison officials argued that irreparable injury is kind of the whole point of execution.

A Kentucky prosecutor was suspended for offering to assist a female defendant if she sent him nude photos. The prosecutor said he was just trying to help out his cousin.

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Wildlife officials used jelly donuts to bait a trap for a bear roaming residential neighborhoods in Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania. The bear was captured elsewhere, and the trap caught six on-duty Drexel Hill cops.

Philadelphia 76ers center Joel Embiid is applying for French citizenship, so that he can join France’s national basketball team and sit out the 2024 Summer Olympics with an injury.

A man ran onstage and tackled Dave Chappelle during his performance at the Hollywood Bowl during the Netflix Is A Joke Festival. The security company that staffed the Oscars and the festival said they’re hiring.

Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame inductees for 2022 were announced, including Duran Duran, Pat Benatar & Eurythmics. Another year, another disappointing shutout for Color Me Badd.

Starbucks announced they’ll raise wages for employees, but only if they’re in a non-union store, and only if they spell their name correctly on their tax forms.

Doctors grafted and grew a penis on a man’s arm after he lost his original one due to a blood disease. After six years growing on his arm, it was finally transferred to his groin. He’s happy with the results, but said sucking it is now a lot less convenient. [Story h/t to JTR!!]

Singer Phoebe Bridgers said she had an abortion last October while on tour. A male fan who’d purchased Gold Circle VIP Meet & Greet tickets called it “the best concert ever”.

CVS Pharmacy announced first quarter earnings that topped expectations, in a press release that was really long and offered $5 in ExtraCare Reward Bucks.

Samsung introduced a new 256GB memory card that it claims will record up to 16 years worth of dashcam video – making it easier than ever for state troopers to compile those Best Of DUI compilation videos for the office Christmas party.

A Massachusetts DoorDash driver is credited with helping to save the life of a woman waiting outside for a pizza delivery, who fell and hit her head as her husband slept inside. The woman was rushed to a hospital, and the husband rushed the pizza to the living room.

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Police rescued an elderly woman who’d been held captive by an intruder; her daughter thought she was in trouble because she hadn’t shared her Wordle results for the day. Other home invaders are now asking victims to finish & share their puzzles..

A FedEx truck was carjacked in Philadelphia. Cops are hoping to find the suspect based on his tracking number.

Developers plan to create the largest restaurant in Philadelphia on the city’s riverfront. Liberty Point will take up 28,000 square feet, serve 1,400 diners, and getting your food will take around two days.

Watchers of the Beijing Winter Olympics are comparing the location of the alpine ski jump – next to an unused steel mill – to a ‘graveyard’. The gold medalist successfully jumped over 100 meters, as measured by the bodies of dead Chinese democracy protesters lining the landing area.

Snoop Dogg was sued for alleged sexual assault. He’ll still perform in the Super Bowl halftime show because the NFL said if sex criminals can play in the games, they might as well rap at halftime too.

The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers traded disgruntled guard Ben Simmons to the Brooklyn Nets for their star guard James Harden. 76ers fans can’t wait for Harden to arrive, then blame him for another playoff failure in a couple of months.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers won his 4th NFL MVP Award but is getting the silent treatment from Joe Rogan, who he failed to thank in his acceptance speech.

Harvard and Emory University scientists created biohybrid fish in a lab using human cardiac cells. The fish swims by muscle contractions like a human heartbeat, but sadly it died of a heart attack, because they used cardiac cells from a fat guy in Mississippi.

New NASA photos reveal the dark side of Venus – you have to be over 18 to see them.

Researchers discovered the first evidence of respiratory illness in a 150 million-year-old dinosaur – the world’s largest rescue inhaler.