By |

A Bankrate.com survey shows that only one-third of millennials have a credit card. And of those that do, the most popular credit card they have is their Dad’s.

The New Yorker published a new article documenting aggressive sexual behavior by Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein. One woman alleges that Weinstein forced himself on her, and when she resisted, Weinstein masturbated and ejaculated into a potted plant. Weinstein was later sued by the plant for giving it herpes, and for back child support.

A couple in Longboat Key, Florida called police after discovering a hidden camera in the smoke detector mounted in the bedroom of their Airbnb rental. The owner of the property denied wrongdoing, saying the camera only activated during especially hot sex.

Scientists have collected 95 pounds of gold, worth nearly $2 million, from Switzerland’s raw sewage and waste water treatment plant. President Trump promptly scheduled a Swiss vacation to research the gold-in-showers.

Pizza Hut is rolling out new pizza boxes and delivery bags that they say will make their pizzas up to 15 degrees hotter when delivered. Pizza Hut research shows customers are less likely to taste how bad the pizza is if they burn their mouths.

Toymaker Bandai is releasing a 20th Anniversary version of its iconic Tamagotchi digital pet toy. Meanwhile, original Tamagotchi pets, introduced in 1997, are being put to sleep.

The United States Men’s National Soccer Team was eliminated from the 2018 World Cup after losing 2-1 to doormat Trinidad & Tobago. Adding insult to injury, the USMNT Dads couldn’t find a pizzeria in Trinidad & Tobago to take the boys after their loss.

Arby’s is testing sandwiches made of elk meat in select markets, and rolling out venison sandwiches nationwide. Arby’s is sourcing the venison from New Zealand, saying there aren’t enough U.S. deer being hit by trucks to meet demand.

A Washington DC pharmacist told a reporter from STAT News that he has filled Alzheimer’s prescriptions for members of Congress. Patient privacy laws forbid the pharmacist from naming the specific patient, but the interview was interrupted briefly by a call from an assistant for “Mr McBain”.

President Trump took to Twitter to threaten the broadcast license of NBC for what he says is their repeated inaccurate coverage of him, and because Melania keeps telling him to shut up during ‘This Is Us’.

 

By |

Hall of Fame NFL QB Y.A. Tittle died at age 90. Tittle played so long ago, ‘CTE’ was what concussed players said to sideline doctors when asked to spell ‘cat’ – before they were sent back in the game, anyway.

Analysts at Leerink, a boutique investment firm focusing on healthcare, say they’re certain that Amazon will be entering the prescription drug business. Fueling rumors? A new trademark application for the phrase Opioid Prime.

President Trump told Forbes magazine that he doesn’t think Rex Tillerson called him a moron, but implied that he would win if the two compared IQ tests. To prove his point, Trump stacked the four plastic donuts on the pole in a little under two minutes.

 

Raging California wildfires have destroyed several Napa Valley wineries. Oenophiles busily updated their profiles of the wine to say they tasted “notes of berry, smoky charcoal, and melted glass.”

The Ku Klux Klan placed flyers on cars parked at a North Carolina high school football game, protesting the removal of confederate monuments. The handouts were protested by civil rights advocates and the Chinese restaurant whose flyers were obscured by the KKK messages.

Many Americans chose to commemorate the traditional Columbus Day holiday by celebrating Indigenous Peoples Day instead – worrying mailmen who fear they won’t get the day off unless they’re Native American.

A 60 year-old Chicago Cubs fan is suing the team and Major League Baseball after being struck in the face by a foul ball which broke his nose, jaw and orbital bone. The Cubs countersued the man, saying his post-injury rendition of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ was the worst they’ve ever heard.

Dancing With The Stars competitor Frankie Muniz talked to People Magazine about his memory loss. Hollywood casting directors also discussed their memory loss, forgetting to hire Muniz for anything.

Mike Ditka – speaking on a national radio show – said that there has been no oppression in the United States in the last 100 years that he knows of, offering his 1980s Chicago Bears ‘Super Bowl Shuffle’ video to prove blacks and whites live in perpetual harmony.

Microsoft announced that it will no longer release version updates or new hardware for its Windows 10 Mobile phone operating system, although you can still sync Windows 10 Phones with your Zune.

By |

Researchers at MIT have created tiny transforming robots, called ‘Primers’, outfitted with exoskeletons that change shape — allowing them to swim, walk, roll, glide..and star in at least five terrible movies.

According to a new survey from YouGov Omnibus, half of American adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 50 years; and 80% of Japanese adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 30 minutes.

Comedian DL Hughley said on his radio show that it’s easier to buy 10 guns than it is to buy two packs of Sudafed. An NRA spokesman replied, saying that’s because guns are proven to be more effective at clearing nasal congestion.

President Trump hosted a meeting at the White House to commemorate October as Hispanic Heritage Month. He asked if any of the Hispanic women in attendance had breast cancer so he could knock out two meetings at once.

Sesame Street launched new video tools to help children coping with trauma, starting with “Elmo Totally Just Can’t Even Right Now” and “Oscar The Grouch Wasn’t Carrying Flood Insurance“.

The Supreme Court ruled that employers can’t be forced to cover birth control as part of their health insurance offerings, so if you have your eye on that hot cashier at Hobby Lobby, budget for condoms.

AOL Instant Messenger will shut down for good in December, feted with a gala sendoff from sex cam models who retired on the money they made there.

Netflix is raising prices on its flagship service from $11.99/month to $13.99/month; in a move expected to draw outrage from cord-cutting millennials who spend $5/day on coffee.

Top CIA officials were quoted this week saying that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is a ‘rational actor’ with ‘long term goals’ – and that he is ‘not crazy’. Asked if they were willing to say the same things about President Trump, they looked at their phones and said they had to take a call.

Lin Manuel-Miranda is set to release a new song ‘Almost Like Praying’ to benefit Puerto Rico disaster relief.  You have to wait six months to hear it at a cost of $500.

 

 

By |

Marilou Danley, girlfriend of Las Vegas mass shooter Stephen Paddock, released a statement calling Paddock “a kind, quiet caring man”. Danley’s family released a statement calling Marilou “not great at reading people”.

A Florida woman was charged with felony fraud for repeatedly putting glass shards in her food and cutting her mouth to get free meals at restaurants. Police reported that she perpetrated the scam at 11 restaurants in 11 days – succeeding everywhere but Old Country Buffet, where she was 10th in line for medical attention.

Archaeologists in Turkey are claiming to have discovered the tomb of Saint Nicholas, as well as several thousand tombs of tiny elves.

Japanese Public Broadcasting network NHK said that labor officials concluded a 31 year-old employee died from heart failure caused by overwork. NHK said Miwa Sado had logged 159 hours of overtime in the month before her death and, worse, didn’t get a single person to donate to their pledge drive.

Google unveiled its new Pixel 2 smartphones. They’re including a new feature called Lens – where you point your camera at something to get more information about it. So you can point at a dog to see what breed it is, or point it at a person to see if they have sex on the first date or get their Social Security number.

The National Hockey League kicked off its 100th season. Several teams invited legendary players to pregame ceremonies at center ice to drop their teeth.

ProPublica reports that many cash-strapped cities are paying for-profit charter schools fees for students who never attend. Conversely, tobacco companies are enjoying record truancy for students they’re paying to smoke in the woods next to the charter schools.

The American Automobile Association (AAA) Foundation for Traffic Safety cites in-car infotainment systems as a growing cause of accidents, and released its list of the most-distracting vehicle systems. Topping the list is the Audi Q7 QPP, whose screen allows GPS programming on the fly and one-touch German porn.

President Trump and First Lady Melania returned from Las Vegas. Trump will  focus on progress for tax reform, and Melania will be busy picking out shoes for the next disaster.

British author Kazuo Ishiguro won the Nobel Prize for literature. The Nobel academy described his work as a ‘mix of Jane Austen and Kafka..with a little bit of Marcel Proust’. Meaning, you’ll never read any of his books.

 

By |

Equifax has been awarded a $7 million contract by the IRS to help prevent fraudulent tax claims; Equifax auditors then announced that they’re missing $7 million.

A 900 year-old Chinese bowl sold for $38 Million. The bowl was in remarkable condition, except for a scratches from crab legs piled so high that no one else at the buffet got any.

Melania Trump will travel with the President to Las Vegas in the wake of Sunday’s deadly shooting. There are reports that she wants to donate blood. The Red Cross has asked her what type, and she said “rich”.

  • In addition to her request to donate blood, she also asked for a donated pint of blood to drink on the ride home.
  • Observers could tell the trip to Las Vegas was a somber occasion, since Melania chose black stiletto heels instead of her disaster-relief get-‘er-done blue ones.

President Trump told reporters before traveling to Las Vegas that he believes it will be difficult to bring relief there since it’s in the middle of a desert – a big, hot desert..made of sand.

Melania wore white jeans while visiting Puerto Rico with President Trump on Tuesday. Responding to criticism regarding wearing white after Labor Day, the First Lady said she almost broke a sweat handing out paper towels, so it was still Labor Day to her.

Dan Evans, Great Britain’s 4th-ranked tennis professional, was suspended for one year after testing positive for cocaine — said a line judge.

Tim Murphy, a Pennsylvania Republican congressman who co-sponsored a bill to criminalize abortions after 20 weeks, reportedly texted his mistress to get an abortion during a pregnancy scare. When the mistress confronted the Congressman about his hypocrisy, he told her to sit tight for 20 weeks while he figured things out.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson spoke publicly to reassert his commitment to the job, following published reports that he called President Trump a ‘moron’ and threatened to quit over the summer. The conference ended with Tillerson receiving a call from Air Force One, as a photo of the President and the word ‘Moron’ appeared on his smartphone.

A woman lost her finger in a chain link fence while watching her child’s tee ball game. She was removed from the crowd when her son was called out at home, and she flipped off the umpire by tossing her detached finger at him.

Apple released its second update to iOS11, this time to fix a “crackling” noise that users reported hearing on calls while using iPhone 8, that was totally not because someone was listening in on them said the State Department and CEO Tim Cook.

By |

The Centers for Disease Control recorded over 2 million new cases of gonorrhea, syphilis & chlamydia in 2016 – the highest annual number ever recorded. The record-breaking year was celebrated with a lavish party at Tinder headquarters.

A male music teacher is being investigated for possibly giving grade school students wind instruments contaminated with his semen as part of the ‘Flutes Across the World’ music instruction program. Lab analysts are busy trying to separate the flutes contaminated with the instructor’s bodily fluid from the ones used by kids that like GoGurt.

Many eyes will be on NBA players as preseason games begin. Commissioner Adam Silver reminded teams NBA rules require that players stand for the National Anthem. However the league has yet to intervene to force NBA players to do things they don’t want to do, like play defense.

Filmmaker James Cameron has been slammed for his remarks calling this summer’s Wonder Woman movie a ‘step backward’ for women because of lead actress Gal Gadot’s beauty and form-fitting bustier costume. To back up his criticism, Cameron said all the female Na’vi in the Avatar sequels will get digital breast reductions and wear extra-large sweatshirts.

Justin Timberlake is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime performer. Janet Jackson may join him to reunite their pairing from the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction 14 years ago — but just to watch Timberlake while she breastfeeds her son.

As President Trump’s war of words with the Mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico continued, Vice President Mike Pence visited FEMA headquarters to ensure that Puerto Rico would be able to receive large shipments of thoughts and prayers.

The Wall Street Journal profiled a food executive who is starting a new form of yoga done while standing on a floating paddleboard. Her favorite position is the sun salute; her least favorite is drownward dog.

The stars of Sex and the City confirmed to tv’s ‘Extra’ that there will be no Sex and the City 3 movie. However, ‘Menopause in the City’ is still a possibility.

The Flatliners remake bombed at the box office over the weekend, leaving entertainment writers struggling for a word to describe it.

Actresses Kristen Stewart and Lupita Nyong’o are rumored to be in consideration for another Charlie’s Angels reboot. This time, the story focuses on three women spies that men aren’t all that interested in and vice-versa.

By |

Researchers at Boston University believe they have established a biomarker for detecting CTE in professional football players – they’re calling it “a pulse”.

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner died at age 91, from blood clot complications in a priapism that he’d kept going since 1986.

Mark Zuckerberg fired back at the President, who had called Facebook ‘anti-Trump’. Zuckerberg said Facebook is not ‘anti-Trump’ .. just anti-privacy and – for a modest advertising fee – anti- any race, religion or ethnicity.

Trump spoke at a rally in Indiana to introduce his new Tax Reform proposal; details are sparse since it’s still being audited.

Axios reports that President Trump is physically mocking GOP Senators John McCain & Mitch McConnell in private for their failure to support him. Once Trump nails his Obama impression, he’ll join Rich Little for a rally in Branson, Missouri.

 

Authors from six public interest groups graded 25 fast-food chains for their actions to reduce antibiotics in menu items. Only Chipotle and Panera Bread received ‘A’s; McDonald’s & Wendy’s received ‘C’s. Sonic got an F. Arby’s received an Incomplete because testers were too sick to finish.

A 47 year-old British man was x-rayed and diagnosed with a lung tumor, which was later revealed to be a Playmobil toy traffic cone he had inhaled at the age of 7. Doctors removed the cone, saying it should have come out during a prior surgery to remove several toy cars he’d inhaled that were parked around it.

Jane Fonda appeared on Megyn Kelly Today to promote her new movie with costar Robert Redford. Fonda curtly lashed back at Kelly’s questions about her plastic surgery. Redford’s face could be seen laughing as it poked through the third button down on his shirt.

Friday is National Coffee Day, with a number of coffee shops and stores offering deals. This year, however, 7-Eleven will not be offering a deal. Store owners are encouraging customers to just walk out without paying for it like they always do.

Maye Musk, the 69 year-old mother of tech billionaire Elon Musk, is the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics. Maye is easy, breezy, beautiful and pissing off other senior women who  sure as hell could use that money more than her.

Medical journal The Lancet reports that roughly half of abortions worldwide are unsafe. Among the most risky locations? – Latin America, and the Pocono Mountains near Kellerman’s resort.

By |

Saudi Arabia will allow women to drive for the first – and, in many instances, last – time.

  • While many Saudi women applauded the move, others asked “if we still can’t drink, what’s the point?”
  • Shares of Mini Cooper, Subaru & Saudi Urgent Care all soared on the news.

New York Giants co-owner John Mara said he’s unhappy with Odell Beckham Jr celebrating a touchdown by pretending to be a urinating dog. Also unhappy? – Mara’s dog – who said Beckham Jr should have peed on the goal post.

In San Diego, construction began on eight prototypes for President Trump’s proposed border wall. So far designs are split between stainless steel, and subway tiles with a decorative splash of color.

  • Once complete, the walls will be tested by Homeland Security; they’ll ask Crossfit enthusiasts to attempt tossing 10 pound bags of cake flour over it.

Chelsea Manning was denied entry into Canada; when Customs officials asked if she had anything to declare, she rattled off 45 minutes of U.S. Intelligence secrets.

Joanna & Chip Gaines, co-hosts of HGTV’s Fixer Upper, announced the show is ending. The time slot is expected to be filled with Flip Or Flop‘s Christina & Tarek El Moussa’s divorce hearings, Fixer Downer.

Russia threatened to block Facebook until they comply with a law requiring storage of its Russian users’ personal data on Russian soil.  Facebook has yet to respond, but expressed doubt about storing anything on soil.

Founder Jack Dorsey said Twitter will test doubling tweet length to 280 characters, delighting windbag liberal pundits who can now thread 10 anti-Trump tweets instead of the usual 20.

WalMart is introducing a line of 100 baby products under their new L’il Dirtbag brand.

A USA Today investigation revealed that in 2012, a Wisconsin music teacher told two 2nd Grade boys they couldn’t play Abraham Lincoln in a class skit because they were too “dark-skinned”. The teacher was reprimanded, and the dejected boys each walked home five miles uphill.

Acting Drug Enforcement Agency Administrator Chuck Rosenberg is leaving. Sources say he didn’t like having Trump as a boss and wants to work for someone smarter and more compassionate like El Chapo.

By |

A copperhead snake bit a woman three times at a Longhorn Steakhouse in Virginia. The woman was hospitalized for 11 days; the snake saved room for dessert and slithered out with a chocolate lava cake.

Disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison for repeatedly sexting a 15 year old girl. Weiner unsuccessfully pleaded with the judge for probation only, saying he’d straightened himself out and had the pictures to prove it.

GOP Senators made last-ditch revisions to the Graham-Cassidy health care bill, in an effort to appease holdout senators Lisa Murkowski of Alaska and Susan Collins of Maine. The revised bill now extends Medicaid benefits to elderly king crabs and lobsters.

President Trump signed an expansion of his original travel ban, adding 8 more nations, including North Korea. This comes as heartbreaking news to the Showcase Showdown trip winner on ‘The North Korean Price Is Right.’

A far-right Catholic group signed a letter accusing Pope Francis of heresy for, among other things, allowing divorced, remarried Catholics to accept Holy Communion.  His Holiness replied that he preaches forgiveness, and that he likes to see divorcees dressed up with their tongues sticking out.

Following hurricane devastation that left Puerto Rico almost fully off the grid, meteorologists and mayors on the East Coast of the U.S. are meeting to ask ‘How do we solve a problem like Maria?’.

French chef Sebastian Bras, whose restaurant Le Suquet has held Michelin’s highest three-star rating for a decade, asked Michelin to remove his stars so he won’t feel so much pressure. Michelin is expected to comply, having recently honored the request of a chef at Cracker Barrel to stop rating him.

Miss Turkey Itir Eisen was stripped of her title, after a controversial tweet where she said her period had begun, representing the blood of martyrs who had died in a coup to overthrow the government last year. Pageant runner-up, Asli Sumen, assumed the crown and tweeted “what’s a period?” since she’s 7.

North Korea released a 99-second propaganda video featuring crude computer simulations of U.S. warplanes and aircraft carriers exploding from North Korean attacks. The video concluded with ‘Directed by Michael Bay’.

Target stores raised their minimum wage to $11 an hour, and committed to paying $15 an hour in 2020. Reached for comment, a $9 an hour WalMart employee said that while he’s tempted, he won’t give up on a 30-year WalMart career.