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Google is reportedly working on a “Personal Safety App” with that detects when a user is in a car crash and calls 911, but only after asking the user if they’ve finished texting.

Apple Maps announced a slew of upgrades to compete with its chief rival, Google Maps. Among the new Apple Maps upgrades — accurate maps.

Following Monday night’s performance on Dancing With The Stars, a majority of Americans and all judges favor Sean Spicer’s impeachment.

Ray Lewis withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, citing injures to tendons in his feet, and after being told he can’t eliminate competitors with knives outside of a club.

Two Buffalo Bills fans were married on the field at halftime of Sunday’s 16-10 loss to the New England Patriots. Their vows were amended to read “in sickness, for poorer, til death without a playoff victory.”

President Trump shared a poll from Breitbart that showed him with a 97.83% approval rating. EMTs were dispatched to the homes of the 2.17% for checks on their well-being.

Actress Ruby Rose said she underwent emergency neck surgery after doing stunts on her new ‘Batwoman’ tv show, although producers are reportedly angry she didn’t just fix it herself with items from her utility belt.

A vendor is accused of charging $724 to a fan’s credit card for two beers at the Miami Dolphins game. The fan was immediately notified by his credit card company, and was grateful for the time he forgot he was at a Miami Dolphins game.

Pennsylvania companies Yeungling and Hershey’s teamed up to launch Yeungling Hershey’s Chocolate Porter, a brewed alcoholic beverage that the companies call the perfect way to introduce kids to excessive drinking during Eagles and Steelers games.

Some providers of pet insurance are providing discounts for owners who put fitness trackers on their pets, citing the high level of calories that dogs can burn each day licking their own balls.

 

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Facebook announced Horizon, a virtual reality massive multiplayer world. It’s designed to stretch the imagination, so much so that your Facebook friends become people you really want to talk to.

A new study claims water containing small amounts of sugar, protein or fat is better for hydration than plain water. This is bad news for families trying to convince obese relatives not to hydrate with Gatorade or gravy.

In New Zealand, a University of Canterbury student was reportedly dead in his dorm room for eight weeks before being discovered. The other residents of his dorm were really, really good at honoring the “necktie on the doorknob” rule.

Amazon announced eyeglasses, earbuds and a ring you can buy to communicate with digital assistant Alexa. “Alexa, you’re smothering me” said men.

President Trump dismissed the impeachment inquiry and whistleblower complaint as garbage, adding he has the best hearing and if someone blew a whistle he’d have heard it.

Families are concerned that the new DC Comics movie ‘Joker’ will spur mass shootings, citing as evidence everyone who wanted to kill themselves after paying to see ‘Suicide Squad’.

A United Airlines flight from Washington DC to San Francisco made an emergency landing in Denver after a woman got stuck in the bathroom. She was eventually freed, but passengers still waited to use the other one.

An inmate in the recreation yard at an Ohio county jail was caught on camera receiving a package dropped from a drone. The package contained a cell phone, marijuana and other contraband. The inmate was later charged with texting & shanking a guard.

You can now use Amazon Alexa or the Google Assistant to begin a job application to work at McDonald’s, provided you’re okay with Alexa or the Google Assistant taking ten minutes trying to talk you out of it.

Former co-host of ‘The View’ Jenny McCarthy claims show founder Barbara Walters – in early stages of dementia – consistently forgot who McCarthy was. This made many of the people on set jealous of Barbara Walters.

 

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Adam Neumann, founder and CEO of workspace management startup WeWork, is stepping down. Be on the lookout for his new venture, IQuit.

The Coast Guard intercepted a semi-submersible “narco sub” in the Pacific Ocean, carrying 12,000 pounds of cocaine valued at $135 million. The DEA is now trying to find a new home in the Witness Protection Program for the orca that gave them the tip.

A Philadelphia woman is pulling the wings off of spotted lanternflies and making them into earrings. So far, three women buying & wearing them have been kicked in the ear.

The Washington Mystics advanced to the WNBA finals, defeating the Las Vegas Aces. Said Aces all-star center Liz Cambage “we know when we’ve been licked”.

Fox News apologized for one of its on-air commenters referring to teen activist Greta Thunberg as “mentally ill” – adding that they’re staunch supporters of giving the mentally ill their own primetime shows.

A rare painting from the Italian master Cimabue, ‘Christ Mocked’, was found hanging over a hotplate in the kitchen of a woman living outside Paris. It is expected to sell for millions once experts complete the job of removing Kraft Macaroni & Cheese from it.

A walrus attacked and sank a Russian Navy boat that had gotten too close to its pups. An Admiral in the Russian Navy said “man we have some shitty boats”.

President Trump is reportedly in disbelief that Nancy Pelosi proceeded with impeachment after speaking to her on the phone Tuesday. He hasn’t misread a woman this badly since the time he thought then-wife Marla Maples would be excited about his date with Melania Knauss.

A parent who paid $250,000 to get his son into USC as a bogus water polo recruit was sentenced to four months in prison, or, a full semester.

The Governor of Massachusetts declared a four-month ban on all sales of e*cigarette and vaping products, sending dirtbag parents scrambling for new stocking-stuffer ideas.

 

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Chinese officials detained an American FedEx pilot, telling him he absolutely, positively had to be questioned overnight.

Firearms manufacturer Colt said they’re halting production of AR-15 assault rifles for the consumer market, citing surplus inventory. A ‘buy one now, get one free for a future mass shooting’ sale was not a success.

A scientist who works identifying fossils has found a way to identify criminals from partial hair samples that don’t include the root. Score one for cops, and one for bald serial killers.

North America’s bird population has dropped by almost one-third in the past 50 years, making liars of everyone saying the U.S. is for the birds.

A Delta Airlines flight dropped 30,000 feet of altitude without warning, releasing oxygen masks and terrifying passengers who sent frantic texts like “I love you”; “Pray for me”; and “Where’s my gin and tonic?”

Lizzo accused her Postmates delivery person of stealing her food order. The delivery driver said he did what he had to do to feed a family of 8.

Three Mile Island nuclear power plant, site of a 1979 meltdown, is closing today. Construction begins tomorrow on Cooling Tower Condominiums.

Tom Brady tweeted that he shut off the Thursday Night Football game between the Titans and Jaguars because of poor officiating. “Is that any way to talk about your best friends?” replied NFL referees.

Amazon committed to use 100% renewable energy and purchase 40,000 electric delivery vans to fight climate change, while they deliver all of the plastic crap you buy.

Mark Zuckerberg met with Donald Trump at the White House, but didn’t check in.

 

 

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NBC is rebooting ‘Punky Brewster’ for new streaming service, Peacock. The new show depicts Punky in the present day as a single mother struggling with obesity and opioid addiction. They’re calling it ‘Chunky Junky Punky Brewster’.

New York City schools banned chocolate milk, although some kids are getting around the ban by vaping it.

New York State instituted an emergency ban on most flavored e*cigarettes. They’re to be off shelves within two months, exciting fruit-flavored vapers who love a good clearance sale.

Philadelphia Cream Cheese sold out of its ‘Bagel That’ device that cuts holes in bread and other foods, turning them into “bagels”. Bagel purists are angry, as are parents whose kids turned their hands into bagels.

President Trump named Robert O’Brien, hostage negotiator for the State Department, to be his new National Security Adviser. O’Brien will immediately start negotiating his own release.

Taiga Motors debuted the Orca, an electric Jet-Ski type personal watercraft that runs for up to two hours, then electrocutes everything within a quarter-mile when you recharge it.

The FBI is investigating the disappearance of CEO Michael Mann, believed to have stolen $35 million in client funds from his company MyPayrollHR. Mann is believed to be the only intelligent person in the U.S. working in human resources.

The second state dinner of the Trump presidency takes place Friday. Melania Trump will show off design changes, including restored draperies in the Green Room, restored furniture in the Blue Room, and new locks on her Bedroom.

Facebook formed an independent board to oversee content moderation decisions. “Do you think that’s hate speech?” asked one billionaire board member to another.

Model Chrissy Teigen accidentally posted her email address and was swarmed with unwanted FaceTime calls. Teigen answered one saying “..was 100 percent sure this would be a penis but nope just a nice stranger.” She then changed emails and answered a FaceTime call from her husband John Legend’s penis.

 

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President Trump fired National Security Adviser John Bolton. The two allegedly clashed over policy related to Iran, North Korea, the Taliban and how much time to spend each day watching television.

Student loan experts say education debt is now a “trillion dollar blackhole” that’s hurting the nation’s financial system with delinquency – as opposed to the “billion dollar blackhole” which is what they call University of Phoenix.

A female high school swimmer in Alaska was disqualified from a heat she’d won when a referee ruled her school-issued swimsuit didn’t cover enough of her buttocks. Her coach appealed, and the swimmer is consoled by the half-million Instagram followers she added.

A Tennessee high school painted over bathroom mirrors, because they say mirrors cause the students to be late for class. The paint made matters worse, since Tennessee students became terrified thinking they’d disappeared.

Michael Jordan pledged $1 million to Hurricane Dorian relief in the Bahamas. A Bahamas golf pro asked Jordan if he’d like to play and make it double-or-nothing.

Dr. Reyes Gauna, superintendent of Byron Union School District in Northern California, started out as a school custodian. He said he’s proud of his accomplishments, but has a hard time concentrating on work when he hears a kid puke.

The invasive spotted lantern fly has migrated to the City of Philadelphia. The fly – which destroys trees and other vegetation – has adapted and survived by arranging the spots on its wings to read “Dallas Sucks”.

Ellen Degeneres said during summer break she revealed her natural hair color for the first time in decades, adding it had been colored blond for so long she’d forgotten what it was. “I have a pretty good idea” said Ellen’s wife, Portia.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders settled a pay dispute, getting a raise to $12/hour and $400/game. However, the team quadrupled the price of push-up bras and booty shorts.

A 23-year-old Wisconsin health teacher was charged with sexual conduct with a 15-year-old student, who aced health class.

 

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President Trump called off talks with Taliban leaders at Camp David. Things broke down when the Taliban heard it was catered by Burger King, and Trump aides refused Taliban requests to substitute meatless Impossible Whoppers.

Tomi Lahren’s fiancee, Brendan Fricke, is running for Congress in California. Fricke, an Independent, believes his candidacy will provide two big benefits – showing voters a conservative platform, and him spending extended time away from Tomi Lahren.

The Rock delivered the good news that car crash victim Kevin Hart is “doing very well”, and more good news that Hart won’t be making any new movies for a while.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair shared a photo with no hair and no pants – but shut down rumors she was auditioning for a new Britney Spears biopic.

Google is facing antitrust investigations by just about all U.S. states. What’s worse is when you ask Google Assistant if it’s a search and Internet monopoly, it replies an emphatic YES!

Apple is expected to debut new iPhones at an event on September 10th. “See? This is where all of our hard work pays off” said preteens in China.

Amazon is looking to fill 30,000 jobs and is having a Career Day on September 17th in six U.S. cities. Applicants are advised to bring resumes and dress to impress the robot interviewing them.

A 7-year-old boy who spent savings for a Disney vacation on supplies for Bahamian refugees was given a free trip to Disney World and a visit from Mickey Mouse. The boy asked if homeless Bahamian kids could go to Disney World and Mickey told him to forget it.

Scientists discovered evidence of a city-sized asteroid that killed the dinosaurs 65 million years ago —  not to be confused with Election Day 2016, when the dinosaurs came roaring back into power.

A boy in Tennessee was bullied for wearing a homemade University of Tennessee Volunteers shirt to his grade school’s ‘College Colors’ day – so the Vols sent him boxes of official gear. Now the kid is being bullied because Tennessee’s 0-2 football team sucks.

David Lee Roth will perform a nine-show residency at the House of Blues – Las Vegas, marking the first time a Vegas act performed Louis Prima covers in over 40 years.

Todd Palin filed for a separation from Sarah Palin. He’ll move to Russia so Sarah can still keep an eye on him from home.

 

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Sony released a 40th Anniversary Walkman with a hard drive instead of cassette tape playback. A Sony spokesman called it “an old Sony cell phone with a Walkman sticker”.

JP Morgan created the Volfefe Index – designed to measure the impact of President Trump’s tweets on financial markets. After two days, the Index unfollowed him.

President Trump attacked supermodel Chrissy Teigen on Twitter. Which is unusual, since Trump usually attacks women at his hotels.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick became the first NFL player to start for eight different teams, and to suffer a concussion with seven.

The CEO of CVS Health published an essay marking the fifth anniversary of CVS’ decision to stop selling tobacco products. Along with their decision to stop selling porno magazines, cashiers are delighted with all of the room behind the counter.

Prosecutors in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal are recommending one month in prison for actress Felicity Huffman – the most brutal month she’s spent since filming ‘Georgia Rule’ with Lindsay Lohan & Jane Fonda.

HGTV’s ‘A Very Brady Renovation’ premieres Monday – showcasing renovation to the classic Brady Bunch house. Some new locations were added, such as a media room for Cindy to fire off homophobic posts, and a second attic bedroom for Marcia to get high.

Matt Lauer finalized his divorce. Next up Today – helping a rich 50-something find a hot young girlfriend!

A British Columbia man survived a black bear attack, claiming he yelled at the bear “you don’t have to do this”. A nearby family’s dog chased away the bear, who later turned himself in, telling park rangers “that guy was right, I didn’t have to do it.”

Southwest Airlines launched its Fall airfare sale, the flights priced as low as $29, or $229 for the same one but without terrible jokes and banter from flight attendants.

 

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Walmart announced they’ll stop selling ammunition for assault-style weapons. Sam’s Club announced a name change to Sam’s Gun Glub.

Ivanka Trump cut her hair in a blunt bob above the shoulders. “Who’s the hot soccer mom?” her Dad asked an aide when Ivanka returned to Washington.

McKrae Game, founder of Hope for Wholeness Network, a conversion therapy program designed to rid people of their gay identities, came out himself as gay. Friends and program participants grew suspicious when he expanded Disco Night to 7 nights/week.

Grocery chain Kroger asked its customers to no longer openly carry firearms into stores. If two people are fighting over the last rotisserie chicken, a store manager will flip a coin to settle it instead of the usual shootout.

Jonah Hill is engaged to girlfriend Gianna Santos. Santos is picking out a dress, and Hill is deciding whether to be big or thin.

Four 10-year-old white boys posted an online diss track directed at Cardi B, with hurtful lines like “you belong in a zoo” and “they could fix your teeth but they couldn’t fix your face.” Cardi replied “go drink your motherf**king milk”. Security is being beefed up for the 4th Grade Talent Show.

Viral video showed a rat falling into a deep fryer at a Whataburger restaurant in Texas. His family requests privacy during this difficult time as they mourn at a nearby Burger King.

Mental health websites in Europe were discovered to be sharing user data with advertisers, according to people bombarded with ads asking if they were “crazy about Perrier.”

A kilo of cocaine washed up on a Melbourne, Florida beach in the wake of Hurricane Dorian. Dorian now owes El Chapo’s cousin twenty grand.

Michigan became the first state to ban flavored e*cigarettes. Ohio seized on the opportunity to boost tourism, announcing the Watermelon Juul Pod Festival.

 

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Country Time offered to pay the fines of kids cited for operating unlicensed lemonade stands. No one is more excited than the kid fined for running an unlicensed stand selling lemonade and meth.

Food high in sodium and low in nutrients could lead to depression in preteens. The makers of Lunchables may change the name to Miserables.

UFC crowned its first Chinese champion, strawweight woman Weili Zhang. Zhang defeated Jessica Andrade in 42 seconds – stunning Andrade, who said she’s used to waiting 20 minutes for Chinese to show up.

President Trump spoke about the threat of Hurricane Dorian. He said he didn’t think he’d ever heard of a Category 5 Hurricane, adding that he only pays attention to 9s and 10s.

Hurricane Dorian will cause the Tuesday shutdown of Orlando International Airport. On the bright side, there is, like, no line at Space Mountain.

Kevin Hart suffered severe back injuries when his classic Dodge Barracuda was driven off the highway by a friend. It’s the worst wreck Hart has survived since ‘Soul Plane’.

Bugatti made the first production automobile to top 300mph. “We probably won’t insure that.” said an online sales associate for The General.

A 17-year-old went blind after eating only fries, chips, white bread and meat for most of his life. In a related story, McDonald’s hired their first blind Ronald McDonald.

Player-turned-broadcaster Alex Rodriguez told a national television audience during Sunday night’s Mets/Phillies telecast that “even leads are better than odd leads.” Managers around MLB no longer felt comfortable being ahead 15 runs in the 8th.

Apple is rumored to be bringing sleep tracking to the new edition of Apple Watch. They want to see if users talk about their Apple Watch in their sleep as much as when they’re awake.