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The Smithsonian Institution introduced its newest guide, a 4-foot-tall robot named Pepper. “So, who else besides me is already bored?” said Pepper before being replaced by an older robot that appreciates history.

Stormy Daniels filed a defamation lawsuit against President Trump, because why not, when a person who takes money for having sex sincerely believes her character was damaged by the guy paying for it.

Unnamed White House staffers told NBC News that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly referred to President Trump on several occasions as “an idiot”. This has upset the Secret Service, who are concerned about Kelly randomly using their code word for the President.

ESPN is rumored to be offering Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten $4 million to become the new lead analyst on Monday Night Football – this, in addition to the money they allegedly paid Jon Gruden to shut up and leave.

Former Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore filed a complaint claiming that he was the target of a political conspiracy by women alleging to be victims of sexual assault by Moore. Moore asserts that the women caused him to lose his election for Alabama senator, and got him banned for life from Chuck E. Cheese.

African-American activists have convinced Starbucks to bar anti-Semitism group Anti-Defamation League from Starbucks upcoming anti-bias training session. Starbucks said they’ve scheduled a second, Jewish customer anti-bias training, for Yom Kippur.

Kim Jong Un is reportedly considering meeting President Trump at the Korean DMZ – although insiders assume they both mistakenly think they’re meeting at TMZ.

Jennifer Garner tweeted a photo of a note reading “I love farts” written by her 6-year-old son Samuel — and optioned by Sony Pictures for an upcoming film directed by his father, Ben Affleck.

A 12-year-old boy returned to school, after being trapped underwater for 8 minutes at a North Carolina resort’s ‘lazy river’.  Operators of the resort said if the kid warescued faster, he should have gotten stuck under the ‘ambitious river’.

OnePoll surveyed 2,000 U.S. workers and compiled a list of the 10 most ‘cringeworthy’ office phrases, topped by “Give it 110%” and “think outside the box”. Surprisingly absent from the list?.. “we’re eliminating your position”.

Avengers – Infinity War actress Elisabeth Olsen said that if she could change her Scarlet Witch costume, she wouldn’t reveal so much cleavage; adding that she would have hidden one of the Infinity Stones in between her breasts, but Thanos could easily see it was there.

 

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Delta Airlines agreed to purchase up to 200 new Airbus jets.  The first jets are set to be delivered in 2020, but Delta told Airbus not to rush, they’re not really all that concerned with on-time arrivals.

Two Florida women accused of shoplifting in Best Buy by placing items in an empty baby stroller were caught after crashing their getaway car. One of the thieves made a last ditch effort to fool arresting officers by breast-feeding a stolen Xbox.

Both Steve Bannon and President Trump have urged Roy Moore to concede defeat to Doug Jones in the race for U.S. Senate earlier this week. Moore has yet to do so, saying he’s awaiting results of a recount and that he left his phone in his horse’s saddlebag.

Reports suggest that Kim Jong Un’s top military aide, Vice Marshal Hwang Pyong-so, has been executed. Hwang was last seen on October 13th modeling his Donald Trump Halloween costume and asking around about Christmas bonuses.

ABC’s Robin Roberts bid a snarky ‘Bye Felicia’ to outgoing Trump aide Omarosa Manigault Newman, leading Omarosa to reply by calling Roberts ‘petty’ and declaring ‘black woman civil war – the first civil war ever declared over black women’.

Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is rumored to be retiring from politics at the end of 2018 – a move expected to leave GOP congressmen scrambling to find a new leader for midday P90X sessions.

400 Subway franchise owners signed a petition protesting the planned return of the sandwich chain’s $5 Footlong promotion in January, saying that their profits are already strained from switching to chemical-free bread and using real mayonnaise instead of drywall spackle.

Facebook is adding a 30-day ‘Snooze’ button so that you can take a break from a person, page or group, after research showed users preferred telling annoying Facebookers they were asleep instead of saying they unfriended them.

Peyton Manning surprised travelers at Denver International Airport when he dropped in on a football trivia contest being held there. He missed the first six questions and was benched in favor of a traveling hardware salesman whose flight was delayed by snow.

A Boston Globe report states that women working at ESPN face a culture of rampant sexism and hostility. The report claims several women went so far as to try and hide their pregnancies, but keen-eyed Jon Gruden used super slo-mo and a telestrator to highlight their concealed baby bumps.

 

 

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Google is launching an artificial intelligence research center in China. The launch has been delayed as two top executives of the center have already been dismissed for sexual harassment of sentient robots.

The crew aboard the International Space Station will be getting a special screening of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Although astronauts are balking at the $650,000 price tag for a bucket of popcorn and large Coke.

Democrat Doug Jones was declared the winner of the U.S. Senate race in Alabama, defeating Republican Roy Moore. With Moore projected to have so much free time, shopping malls in Alabama are increasing security details.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced its newest inductees, including Bon Jovi, Cars, Moody Blues and Dire Straits. Among bands failing to make the cut – Radiohead, who finished the voting slightly behind The Noise An Old Dial-Up Modem Makes.

Following Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s call for him to resign, President Trump tweeted that she is a “lightweight” and a “flunky” who “would do anything” to get campaign contributions from him. “Yeah! She’d do anything for money!” said First Lady Melania Trump.

USA Today issued a scathing editorial Wednesday, saying Trump was unfit to clean the toilets at the Obama or George W. Bush libraries. Considering he can barely bend over to pick his own golf ball out of the cup, they may have a point.

In Indiana, a 2-year-old boy watching his sister’s 5-year-old junior wrestling match ran into the ring and tried dragging her opponent away. The referee halted the match momentarily, as the girl wrestler scolded her brother for white-knighting and being part of the under-6 wrestling patriarchy.

To cope with record online consumer spending and package delivery volume, UPS implemented a 70-hour, eight-day workweek for its drivers. “That’s it?” said Chinese teenagers assembling iPhones.

Following NFL Network’s suspensions of on-air talent for alleged misconduct, sports reporter Lindsay McCormick said that the NFL Network’s former head of hiring talent asked her in a job interview if she planned to get “knocked up”. The man claimed he was referring to the network’s poorly-named weekly montage of helmet-to-helmet hits, ‘Knocked Up’.

Cheshire Cheese Company in the U.K. is introducing Gin & Lemon flavored cheese, hoping to expand its market to fans of rapper Snoop Dogg.

 

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Alabamians decide between Republican Roy Moore and Democrat Doug Jones to see which man represents the state in the U.S. Senate. While some project a record turnout, others are not as confident, once residents learned that voting won’t count as credit toward their GED or community service.

Veteran NPR host Tom Ashbrook has been suspended for sexual misconduct, accused of giving “creepy sex talks and unwanted back and neck rubs” – made possible via a generous grant from Exxon/Mobil.

President Trump recorded a robocall endorsement of GOP candidate Moore that went out to Alabama residents on Sunday. It would have gone out sooner, but Trump said the robot didn’t meet him on the golf course like he’d asked.

Speaking at a pre-election rally, Roy Moore’s wife Kayla addressed critics who say her husband doesn’t support blacks or Jews by asserting that “one of our lawyers is a Jew.” And “I think a couple of our ‘Bama running backs are blacks.”

SpaceX is sending barley seeds to the International Space Station, as part of a research project for Budweiser. Although the astronauts conducting the research are asking that they be paid for it with “good” beer.

NFL Network suspended current studio analysts Marshall Faulk, Ike Taylor and Heath Evans after a former wardrobe stylist sued the network for sexual harassment. A judge in the case issued a gag order on puns involving “pass” “run” and “illegal use of hands.”

Facebook is reemphasizing the Poke, an early feature that users could click to get another Facebook friend’s attention. So go ahead and Poke that woman you’ve never met in real life and see how that works out for you.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson announced via Instagram that he and girlfriend Lauren Hashian are expecting a baby girl.  No word on the due date, just a teaser poster of the infant soaring out of the birth canal behind the wheel of a 600 horsepower Dodge Challenger.

Personal injury attorney Thomas J. Henry threw a $4 million dollar birthday party for his son’s 18th birthday, featuring celebrity appearances, performances by Diplo and Migos, and the gift of a new blue Ferrari. Asked if there was anything he didn’t get, the birthday boy said “a hug.”

President Trump signed an executive order to put U.S. astronauts back on the moon. Trump said “we will .. plant our flag and leave our footprint, then pull the flag out so I can finish putting.”

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The New York Times cut the number of free articles readable on its website from 10 per month to 5.  Meanwhile the Philadelphia Inquirer assured its website’s readers that the number of racist comments they can make each month will remain unlimited.

TV actress Kaley Cuoco is engaged to professional equestrian Karl Cook. This is Cook’s first marriage, and Cuoco’s second big bang.

The FIFA Men’s 2018 World Cup soccer matchups were released. The United States Men’s National Soccer team was matched up with golf caddies.

NBC will refuse to pay out the remainder of Matt Lauer’s $30 million contract; Lauer cancelled delivery of “personal massagers” he’d ordered as Christmas gifts for all the women on the Today staff.

President Trump’s lawyer, Charles Dowd, confirmed to the media that he wrote the tweet sent from Trump’s account rationalizing his firing of Michael Flynn. You’d write Trump’s tweets, too, if you could bill $500/character.

Preceding a joint press release from the President of NAMBLA and Alabama Senate Candidate Roy Moore calling it “the communications breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for” —  Facebook unveiled its Messenger For Kids app.

The implosion of Detroit’s Pontiac Silverdome failed to collapse the retired structure on the first try. Local officials are set to detonate a second round of explosives and, if that doesn’t work, the Silverdome will host Detroit’s Devil’s Night festivities next Halloween.

New Jersey Governor-elect Phil Murphy said that after this season, bear hunting will no longer be allowed in the Garden State. Murphy advised residents if  you want to shoot a 600 pound mammal rooting through garbage cans for something to eat, you’ll have to go to Chris Christie’s shore house or MetLife Stadium on Sundays.

Employee benefit consultants are lauding the $69 Billion CVS acquisition of Aetna, saying it could transform a massive, complex, pricey healthcare system into a more massive, complex, pricier healthcare system.

The Supreme Court will hear arguments on the legality of single-game sports gambling in states outside of Nevada. The Gorsuch/Thomas/Alito/Roberts/Kennedy approval parlay is paying even money at the Mirage.

 

 

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YouTube apologized for a widely-reported glitch in its search algorithm. When users entered the query “How to have..”, YouTube completed it with suggestions like “..sex with children.” Users who searched “How to have sex with children” were taken to the YouTube channel of ‘Roy Moore for Senate’.

The FBI reported a record number of background checks for gun purchases on Black Friday, although many buyers decided to skip the waiting period and buy Assault Weapon Gift Cards instead.

Lyft received approval to test self-driving cars on public roads in California, but only after regulators made them put mannequins of old Asian women behind the wheel, so human drivers will have someone to be angry at.

Arby’s announced a $2.4 Billion acquisition of Buffalo Wild Wings, then threatened to call off the deal when they found out blue cheese costs extra.

National massage chain Massage Envy is accused of 180 sexual assaults. Most all of the accusers are women, and a few men who mistakenly used the word “happy” during their session.

Conservative billionaires the Koch Brothers funded $600 Million of Meredith Publishing’s planned acquisition of Time, Inc. Time’s CEO assured employees that the Kochs’ views will not influence Time publications’ content; however, Sports Illustrated magazine has been told to rush work on February’s Pantsuit Issue.

Facebook is using artificial intelligence to detect suicidal posts before they’re reported by users’ friends. Facebook execs said the tool has been tested extensively and now knows to exclude weekend posts from Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills fans.

CBS cancelled Jeremy Piven’s freshman drama ‘Wisdom of the Crowd‘ after 13 episodes, proving the crowd really does have wisdom after all.

England’s Prince Harry is engaged to American actress Meghan Markle. The news was broken when Markle’s iCloud account was hacked, revealing dozens of nude selfies of her wearing only a tiara.

President Trump caused controversy when he met with Native American World War II veteran ‘Code Talkers’ to again call Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’. After the meeting, the decorated veterans called Melania Trump a Navajo name meaning “Woman who poses naked for money.”

 

 

 

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A Russian research team unearthed the fossilized remains of a 10-ton, 17-foot-long sea cow on a Siberian beach. Experts believe the sea cow wanted to spend time at the beach, but needed to go to Siberia to avoid crowds & body-shaming.

Thanksgiving night fights forced officials to shut down the Riverchase Galleria Mall in Birmingham, Alabama, as fathers of teenage girls sought to protect them from Roy Moore.

GOBankingRates released a list of the 15 most affordable states for Millennials to buy homes. Topping the list? West Virginia – where it’s estimated that a home can be bought after just two-and-a-half years of selling meth.

DamToys is selling a 12-inch Steve Jobs figurine for nearly $200. It berates other nearby action figures and comes with 10 accessories, none of which is a daughter that the figurine refuses to acknowledge.

President Trump tweeted on Friday that he was heading to Trump National Golf Club to “play golf (quickly) with Tiger Woods and Dustin Johnson.” ‘Quickly’ means he’ll quit when they won’t let him win.

A Swedish power plant near Stockholm that uses recycled materials as fuel is burning unsold clothing from fast-fashion chain H&M; the company that owns the plant is hiring hundreds of mean girls to follow classmates around telling them to ‘burn that outfit’.

Following a second accuser’s claim that he grabbed her buttocks during a photo at the Minnesota State Fair, Senator Al Franken issued a new apology, and verified that he’s banned from the livestock exhibit at this year’s fair.

Oprah Winfrey shared her lavish Thanksgiving dinner spread on Instagram, including four 22-pound turkeys for her and her guests. Winfrey, a Weight Watchers spokesperson, declined to say how many Weight Watchers points she consumed, but was photographed with her food diary and a scientific calculator.

Michael Flynn is no longer sharing information regarding the Russia investigation with President Trump’s lawyers, leading observers to believe Special Investigator Robert Mueller has “flipped” Mueller to testify against The President. Sensing an opportunity, Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered to let Flynn use his Safe House.

Duchess Kate Middleton – pregnant with her third child – went off-roading with her husband, Prince William, at the Jaguar/Land Rover factory in England. “Off-roading” in this case meaning using Parent With Toddler parking instead of valet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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London’s Old Vic Theater, where Kevin Spacey once served as Artistic Director, reportedly received 20 complaints of Spacey’s sexual misconduct – 15 evening performances, and 5 matinees.

According to a new Pennsylvania law, leaving your dog out in the cold is a felony. Leaving your spouse or lover out in the cold is still classified as a country song.

Nigeria qualified for the 2018 South Korea Winter Olympics in women’s bobsled, and are raising money to fund the trip with the world’s worst bake sale.

Swedish publication Scientific Reports published a study claiming that for people living alone, dog ownership decreased their risk of death by 33% and their risk of cardiovascular death by 36%. The study also found that if those same people died, there was a 100% lower risk of the dog going hungry.

Amidst the tight race for U.S. Senate, a rally was held outside of the Alabama state capitol by a group called ‘Women for Moore’.  When asked why they were there, they said they were really called ‘Women for More’ and they sought to improve elementary education in the state.

A rare Leonardo da Vinci painting sold at auction for $450.3 million, to an anonymous telephone bidder who chose the Easy Pay installment option.

Tesla opened the two largest supercharging stations for its electric vehicles in California. Like many highway rest stops, the stations have a lounge, restrooms, a dog walking area, – and are hoping to add prostitutes.

Tesla also debuted its new high-performance Roadster. It will go from 0-60mph in 1.9 seconds, equalling the speed of people walking away from conversations with new owners of a Tesla Roadster.

Congressional investigators say that Jared Kushner has not provided requested documents related to a ‘Russian Backdoor Overture’ discussed in emails during the campaign. Democrats believe the mention of a Russian Backdoor Overture may prove that the infamous Trump Pee Tape has a second act.

  • CIA Operatives called the Russian Backdoor Overture ‘like a Dirty Sanchez, but with Tchaikovsky as mood music.’

President Trump took to Twitter, criticizing Senator Al Franken over sexual abuse allegations by calling him “Frankenstien’ (sic).  “Now tweet about me!” said Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf.

 

 

 

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Walmart is raising prices of many household goods for sale at Walmart.com, so that shoppers will buy them at Walmart stores instead. Consumer advocates are calling the higher online prices “totally worth it to avoid having to go to Walmart.”

The Wall Street Journal reports that Illumination Entertainment – producers of the popular ‘Despicable Me’ & ‘Minions’ movies – are planning an animated Super Mario Brothers movie. Insiders expect the project to be delayed pending the resolution of longstanding sexual harassment & groping allegations against co-star Bowser.

A federal judge struck down a Kentucky requirement for women getting abortions to have an ultrasound beforehand, when lawyers for the state admitted no one in Kentucky knew how to work an ultrasound machine.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified before Congress for 5 1/2 hours, then forgot about it until he saw himself on the news.

Alabama GOP candidate for Senate and alleged child molester Roy Moore said that Mitch McConnell’s days as Senate Majority Leader are “coming to an end….faster than a 14-old-girl running out of a mall on roller skates..”

Apple faces criticism regarding the security of its Face ID security feature, after a 10-year-old boy unlocked his mother’s iPhone X with his face. The Mom also faces scrutiny from her 10-year-old boy for her gallery full of photos of the UPS guy.

The NFL held a groundbreaking ceremony for the now-Oakland Raiders’ new stadium in Las Vegas, and uncovered the bodies of several dozen buried mobsters.

A bar in New Jersey boycotted showing Sunday NFL games in favor of a fundraising event for veterans. $8,000 was collected – $3,000 in donations and $5,000 in fines for bar fights and drunk driving.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced that all House Representatives will be required to complete anti-sexual harassment and anti-discrimination training. “Does that include the White House?” asked President Trump.

  • The anti-harassment and anti-discrimination training comes following decades of fully-attended pro-harassment and pro-discrimination courses taken by Congress.

Mozilla hopes to double the speed of its signature Firefox browser with the introduction of Firefox Quantum – a new browser for people who love porn but lack spare time.

 

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A French man was kicked off of a Costa Cruises ship after staging what cruise officials called a ‘mutiny’ – leading dozens of passengers in angry protests over cancelled stops in Madagascar and Mauritius. The story was reported by The Telegraph, who spoke exclusively to a talking parrot wearing a tri-corner hat who lives on the man’s shoulder.

  • Costa Cruises cancelled the stop in Madagascar due a bubonic plague outbreak. Carnival Cruises continued service there, saying it couldn’t be worse than their house-brand norovirus on board.

Researchers from Cambridge University concluded that sheep can recognize human faces, according to their study that followed the activity of several hundred lambs on FarmersOnly.com.

Schools, libraries and other public buildings are ramping up ‘Active Shooter Training Classes’ to teach people how to react in the event of a shooting. The classes are incredibly popular, except for students who interrupt the simulation to ask “is this going to be on the final?”

Independent science research group Berkeley Earth said that Delhi, India’s pollution is so bad, breathing the air there is the equivalent of smoking 44 cigarettes in a day – making Delhi the hot new vacation destination for frugal residents of the Philadelphia suburbs.

Actress Portia de Rossi detailed her alleged sexual harassment by film star Steven Seagal. de Rossi said that when she met with Seagal, he unzipped his leather pants. Seagal refuted her account, saying he only wears button-fly leather pants.

Comedian/director Louis C.K.’s film ‘I Love You Daddy’ will no longer be released after The New York Times published numerous allegations that Louis C.K. masturbated in front of female comedians. Also cancelled, the film’s sequel ‘I Don’t Love You Like That Daddy’.

Alabama Republican Roy Moore will remain on the ballot for the state’s special Senate election, despite claims from several women that they had sexual contact with Moore when they were in their teens and Moore was in his 30s.  Moore’s campaign also cancelled the release of a long-form election ad ‘I Love You Uncle Roy.’

Apple has promised a software fix to a confirmed iPhone X issue where the screen freezes in very cold temperatures. The bug was reported by penguins, who also complained that any one of their friends could access their phones via facial recognition.

The California chapter of the NAACP passed several resolutions at its state conference, including one to remove The Star Spangled Banner as national anthem. No replacement song was named, although members are rumored to be split between ‘You Don’t Have to be a Star (To Be In My Show) and ‘X Gon’ Give It To Ya’.

Tinder reported a 19% increase in year-over-year revenue thanks to Tinder Gold, its premium service. Male subscribers consider Tinder Gold, at $9.99/month, a real bargain, since many say they’re used to paying up to five times that much to have sex with a woman they don’t know.