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The White House banned staffers’ use of personal cell phones in the West Wing. President Trump believes that this is necessary to improve his odds of claiming a cash prize in HQ Trivia.

Thomas Monson, President of the Mormon Church, died at age 90. Donations to the church are requested in lieu of flowers, because that could get expensive sending them to all eight of his wives.

Subaru announced its largest vehicle, the Ascent SUV. It has 19 cup holders and seats eight — two of them on toilets.

It was revealed that a security flaw exists in almost all Intel microprocessors that makes them susceptible to attack. Experts believe that this creates the largest-ever credible alibi for how that porn got on your computer.

Hanson Fitness, a SoHo gym in NYC, will offer a nude full-body-conditioning class starting January 5th. It’s believed to be the first class of its kind, in that all participants are offered blindfolds.

The father of a girl who stabbed her classmate in an offering to the fictitious ‘Slender Man’, is angry that Sony Pictures is releasing a Slender Man movie, without so much as giving his daughter an audition.

Yahoo Sports released video of Olympic snowboarder Shaun White smashing his face on the lip of a half-pipe in New Zealand, requiring over 60 stitches. They’re now calling him The Flying Tomato…Sauce.

Taco Bell is adding seasoned Nacho Fries to their menu in January, and will train counter staff to ask customers if they want fries with their ulcers.

Macy’s is closing more stores and announced 5,000 layoffs. So before you ask if that register is open, the answer is no.

Donald Trump’s personal lawyers sent a cease & desist letter to the publisher of Michael Wolff’s new book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House . The letter claims that the book contains false & baseless claims, and fewer pop-ups than the author promised.

 

 

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Southwest Airlines bumped a family of four from their flight to Disneyland after receiving complaints from other passengers that the children had lice. The claims turned out to be false, but Southwest managed to retain its reputation for lousy service.

President Trump responded to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s claims of having a functioning ‘nuclear button’ on his desk, by tweeting that he has a bigger button, and that his button works. Anonymous insiders, however, dispute this, saying Chief of Staff John Kelly replaced the Nuclear Football with a vintage Playskool Busy Box painted black.

The Oakland Raiders are under fire for allegedly skirting the Rooney Rule – bypassing minority candidates in advance of hiring Jon Gruden as their new head coach. The Raiders denied this, bringing in NFL legend O.J. Simpson for an interview as proof.

Archaeologists found an ancient cave in China containing 45,000-year-old tools, as well as a carved note from one caveman to another asking when he planned on returning the sharp rock he borrowed.

Roku is launching its own voice assistant to compete with Siri and Alexa. Although at this point it’s only capable of answering “How the f*** do I switch HDMI inputs?”

The Trump Administration is easing fines and penalties that can be brought against negligent nursing homes – great news for the White House nurse who’s been swapping breath mints for dementia meds.

Coachella announced its official 2018 lineup – the festival will be headlined by Beyonce, Eminem, the Weekend, and drugs.

2018 marks the beginning of legal recreational marijuana sales in California, evidenced by the number of visitors to Disneyland asking Goofy ‘you holdin?’

McDonald’s debuts its new Dollar Menu on Thursday. It’s called the 1-2-3, with items priced at one, two and three dollars. Taco Bell is sticking with its current dollar menu, which customers know as the 9-1-1.

A 31-year-old Virginia woman reported missing by her fiancee was found dead inside of her home, in what local police are calling “suspicious, but, like, the easiest search we’ve ever done.”

 

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Former nude model and current First Lady Melania Trump tweeted to honor ‘Pearl Harbor Heroes’, but typed in the wrong date, November 7, 1941 instead of December 7. Melania’s assistant explained that the November 7 date was intended for a different tweet, honoring the heroes of the Bergdorf Goodman November shoe sale.

A Delta flight from New York to Seattle had to make an unscheduled stop in Montana because the toilets stopped working. “They worked fine for me” said one passenger as he tossed out the remnants of three Taco Bell 5 Buck Boxes.

U.K. firefighters responded to a call to free a 22-year-old man who had cemented his head inside of a microwave while filming a YouTube stunt. The man was freed after an hour, and complained that his head was very hot in some spots, but still cold in others.

Discount retailer Dollar General plans to open 900 stores in 2018 — or more, depending on how fast they can get Sears and KMart to move out.

Anheuser-Busch ordered 40 electric trucks from Tesla; the brewing giant was impressed that the trucks could drive themselves, even while drunk.

Bitcoin hit a new record high of $17,000 on Friday, then dropped over $3,000 in value that same morning, worrying the new breed of currency speculators who work at Burger King.

Ford announced it’s investing $900 million in a Michigan plant to make self-driving cars. Once built, the cars will be evaluated on how long they can drive themselves around Detroit without getting stolen.

Amid the fallout from scandals involving Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Brett Ratner and others, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences approved new Standards of Conduct for members in the film and tv industries. Only now nobody wants to produce movies or tv shows anymore.

Police in the New York City suburb of Clarkstown are warning residents to stay away from a hybrid wolf/coyote, known as a ‘coywolf’. The animal weighs 75 pounds, has a grey coat, and has been asking pedestrians if they want to see his puppies in a van.

Arby’s is introducing the Arbynator, a french-fry filled sandwich. Arby’s now has the meats, has the potatoes, and has no more ideas.

The U.S. Economy added 228,000 jobs in November. The Labor Department cited growth in Manufacturing, Santa Clauses, and roles in tv ads with elves in them.

 

 

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A YouGov/Omnibus study reveals that 53% of Millennial women have received a naked photo from a man. The other 47% hadn’t checked their text messages that day. [h/t to J. Ost]

Boy Scouts of America announced that they’ll admit girls. Young women who choose to join Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts will henceforth be known as Bi Scouts.

Raging California wildfires are burning large marijuana crops. The fires are expected to cause shortages of recreational marijuana, and police are dealing with record invasions of Taco Bell from ravenously hungry rabbits and deer.

President Trump tweeted that relief efforts for Puerto Rico can’t go on forever; adding that nothing is forever, just ask Ivana and Marla.

Pornhub told TechCrunch it’s utilizing a robot to document performers, sex positions and categories of its content.  Pornhub says that the robot’s work is incredibly accurate, but it has a hard time talking to its female coworkers.

Technology company Purpose has developed a new chatbot called ‘Hope’. The bot is targeted to those who need help coping with their concerns about Donald Trump. Hope will reply to you with tips to speak to conservative friends, ways to contact elected officials, and liquor coupons.

Rose McGowan’s Twitter account has been suspended for digital harassment, different from digital harassment employed by Harvey Weinstein.

 

Australian doctors removed a woman’s lymph node, which became cancerous with ink that migrated from a tattoo she’d received 15 years earlier. She’s expected to make a full recovery, and Air Supply has generously paid to touch-up the tatt.

An asteroid that size of a house will zoom past Earth on Thursday at a distance of about 26,000 miles, according to NASA. The asteroid is exploring a run for U.S. President in 2020.

An essay on how to treat women in the workplace is going viral. Victoria Clark writes on Medium that men should treat women the same way they would treat Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Some women oppose The Rock Test, saying male coworkers are asking them to pose topless and flex; and confused men say they don’t have $10 million to give their female coworkers to make terrible movies.

 

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Meghan McCain – daughter of GOP Senator John McCain – is joining the cast of The View, saying she wants to honor her father by being tortured for several years.

IKEA has acquired on-demand labor company TaskRabbit, whose contract laborers make money on odd jobs, like assembling IKEA furniture. TaskRabbit lawyers are struggling with the contract, since it’s written entirely in pictures.

A Broadway musical based on the life and music of Cher is set to debut in 2018, although producers wonder if they’ll ever be able to find a Cher impersonator.

Delta Airlines will offer free in-flight texting. Passengers can now contact their friends-with-benefits to ask ‘U up? Get me at the airport?’

A school librarian in Cambridge Massachusetts refused a shipment of 10 Dr Seuss books sent from Melania Trump as part of a reading initiative. The librarian said the Seuss books were ‘cliched’, and Melania had scribbled question marks in the margins next to words she didn’t understand.

Melania Trump met with families whose members died from opioid overdoses at a gathering at the White House. After the listening session, Mrs. Trump said she wished she could have been there to help addicts find nude modeling jobs and hook up with rich guys.

Children in the Chidza village of Zimbabwe capture mice and sell them as a delicacy. The kids are thrilled to be earning money and never thought they’d be awarded a Chipotle franchise.

Accused National Security Agency document  leaker Reality Winner is alleged to have smuggled classified documents out of the office in her underwear. She told investigators she would have taken more, but her Spanx wouldn’t allow it.

Womens apparel retailer Forever 21 is teaming up with Taco Bell to offer a Taco Bell-themed collection of bodysuits, sweatshirts and hoodies — mostly in large sizes.

A Dearborn, Michigan toddler shot two other children with a loaded handgun he found at daycare. The two victims are in good condition, and will think twice the next time they decide they won’t share their toys.

  • The shooter has already been hired to address an NRA Conference, with a keynote address he’s calling “Time Out, My Ass!”

In the wake of its massive data breach, Equifax will offer free “credit locks”. This way, identity thieves can prevent victims from stealing their identities back.

The Chicago Bears v Green Bay Packers Thursday night NFL game marked the league’s debut on new broadcast partner Amazon Prime. Packers QB Aaron Rodgers threw four TD passes and also now leads the league in buffering.

  • The game was delayed for nearly an hour as a storm passed, so players with 1-in-2 odds of head trauma could be protected from 1-in-1 million odds of lightning strike.
  • Packers and Bears players stood with arms locked during the National Anthem. It was either a show of solidarity or the beginning of an awesome game of Red Rover.

 

Carmen Electra offered her memories of deceased Playboy founder Hugh Hefner; saying that Hefner ‘loved life and loved what he did’, although he couldn’t always remember who he did.

Roger Goodell met at NFL Headquarters in New York City with a group of team owners and prominent players to discuss players kneeling during the national anthem and other issues impacting the game. No definitive conclusions were reached regarding the kneeling, but everyone attending agreed that Odell Beckham Jr’s peeing dog was dumb.

 

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President Trump is expected to lift an Obama-era ban on the sale of military equipment to local police forces, as Dunkin Donuts scrambles to add tank spaces to its parking lots.

Trump is expected to tour flood-ravaged Houston on Tuesday. He’ll circle the area in an Army helicopter for as long as it takes to find a golf course that’s open.

Amazon has lowered prices at newly-acquired Whole Foods. Whole Foods reports that they’re selling so much organic produce, the Red Cross is collecting donations to feed the fruit flies now starving at Whole Foods locations.

Spanish researchers shared findings that drinking four cups of coffee a day lowers risk of death by 30% in persons 45 and older. Starbucks is now accepting Medicare as payment.

The Food and Drug Administration is said to be cracking down on what they consider to be illegal stem cell clinics. The FDA’s website posted a warning letter it sent to U.S. Stem Cell Clinic in Sunrise Florida, and another letter it sent to Taco Bell for its Stem Cell Gordita Crunch.

Walmart is teaming up with Google to allow users to voice-order products via Google Home, to compete with Amazon’s Alexa. So, in the same way that Amazon users can say “Alexa, please order a bag of potato chips” from Amazon, Google Home users can say “Google, I sure’n would appreciate one of them there bags of pork rinds.” from Walmart.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and wife Priscilla Chan welcomed their second daughter, August. August joins 2 year-old sister Max in a lifetime battle for Likes.

Fitbit introduced a $299 smartwatch, the Ionic, to compete with the Apple Watch. It tracks sleep and activity,  displays heart rate, stores music, and has a battery that lasts four days while it sits on your counter and you skip the gym.

Taylor Swift debuted the first single, ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ from her forthcoming album Reputation. The song gives a co-writing credit to 90s one-hit wonder Right Said Fred — as Gerardo and Lou Bega wait by their respective phones for the big call.

Showtime is being sued for the low quality of its video stream experienced by customers watching the big Mayweather v McGregor fight online. Mayweather prevailed in a fight that lasted 10 rounds despite predictions of a fast finish, but it buffered for at least six more rounds.

 

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Chipotle has temporarily closed a Texas location where mice were filmed in the restaurant. Chipotle had said the mice entered through a structural gap, but are now doing a full inspection. Meanwhile, the mice are hoping to catch on at a nearby Taco Bell.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has issued new safety guidelines for fidget spinners. The first guideline is waiting a week until your kid doesn’t care about fidget spinners anymore.

The Taylor Swift butt-grabbing trial continues in Denver, with Swift’s former security guard testifying that he witnessed a Denver DJ grab Swift’s buttocks. Asked why he didn’t say anything, the guard said he assumed Swift would just write a catty hit song about the guy.

The parent company of Applebee’s and IHOP announced they’re closing up to 160 U.S. locations. Execs say that more Americans are eating at restaurants that their friends won’t make fun of them for choosing.

Gun maker Sig Sauer is offering a “voluntary upgrade” to owners of its P320 pistols, following numerous reports that the gun will fire when dropped. Cops spotting criminals with a P320 are shouting “Police! Hang on to your weapon!”

JC Penney posted a huge quarterly loss, sending its stock price tumbling over 15%. The CEO attempted to calm investors, saying thousands of Grammas will be taking embarrassed teens Back To School shopping there all month long.

The FBI is saying that ISIS is using eBay transactions to send cash to U.S. terrorists, although the good news is that ISIS always leaves really positive seller feedback.

Google is donating $1.5 million to the 4-H Club to spur young peoples’ interest in technology. The 4-H said if Google keeps sending the fat stacks of cash, they’ll add a 5th H for hacking.

President Trump tweeted that U.S. military weapons are “locked and loaded” in the event of aggression by North Korea, continuing that he hoped Kim Jong Un chooses a “different path”. Un took the message to heart, and pointed the path of his missile pointed at Guam a few degrees right.

An American investment banker – charged with being the Putney Bridge Pusher, who shoved a woman in front of a London bus while he ran on the bridge – denies the charge, saying he wasn’t even in London at the time. As evidence, his lawyers submitted video of him on the same day pushing a woman in front of a New York City bus.

Midway through the 2017 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota, bike crashes and DUIs are ahead of the 2016 pace, as measured by Harley-riding accountants who want you to think they’re badasses.

As automakers sell more & more electric cars, a dilemma is cropping up where owners are having difficulty finding places to charge them. Already this year, store managers are reporting a 1000% increase in customers with extension cords getting kicked out of Starbucks.

 

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Bridal gown retailer Alfred Angelo suddenly declared bankruptcy, leaving over 7,500 brides who had bought their dresses angry, and 7,500 grooms faking being just as angry.

The 8th person at the infamous Donald Trump Jr. meeting with Russians at Trump Tower has been identified. He is ‘The Guy Who Reserved The Conference Room They’re In, Asking If They’re Almost Done Or If He Should Just Use A Different Room.’

The GOP Better Care Act appears to be doomed, as more Republican Senators pull their support. An angry President Trump said that Congress should Let Obamacare Die — which, coincidentally, is the name selected for the GOP’s 3rd Version of a health care bill.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller told the Senate Judiciary Committee that they could call Donald Trump Jr and Paul Manafort to testify publicly about their interactions with the Russians. Committee Democrats were not available for comment, at least until they returned from a trip to Home Depot to buy pitchforks and torches.

A team of teenage Afghan women – initially barred from entering the U.S. – arrived to compete in the first Global Robotics Challenge in Washington D.C. Their robot is capable of gathering and sorting balls by color. No plans for a trip to The White House, since the robot would be incapable of finding any balls to sort.

Chipotle stock dropped 6% as reports surfaced of norovirus at a restaurant in Virginia. The restaurant closed temporarily to be completely sanitized. Customers who insisted on eating tainted food anyway were directed to nearby Arby’s and Taco Bell locations.

A retired Nevada corrections officer described the prison housing OJ Simpson as “a cruise ship with barbed wire.” In other words, a Carnival Cruise ship.

WalMart apologized for racist language on its website. The color of a cap for sale there was listed as “ni**er brown”. The listing for the cap was pulled entirely, even though “ni**er brown was outselling “cracker white” by ten-to-one.

Embark Veterinary, a canine genetics testing startup, has raised $4.5 million. It’s one of the first of its kind to offer genetics reports for dogs, similar to those offered for humans like Ancestry.com or 23andMe. The purpose is for dog owners to better understand the health needs of their pets, and for dogs to have boring conversations just like Ancestry.com customers do.

  • The founders considered offering similar reports for cats, before concluding that nobody cared.

Harley Davidson execs gave a disappointing sales forecast for the year, while saying they planned to lay off 5,400 employees. Those laid off workers will be given outplacement and discounts on choppers they can ride until they find themselves, mannnnnn…

  • Execs blamed the sales decline on lower volumes of middle managers who dream of being in Hells Angels.

Pizza Hut announced it’s hiring 14,000 new drivers. 13,000 to deliver pizzas, and 1,000 to drive customers to the emergency room.

The bodies of a Swiss couple who disappeared 75 years ago were found at the edge of a melting glacier. The couple, Marcelin and Francine Doumoulin, went to milk cows in a meadow and never returned. Their bodies were found in excellent condition, but unfortunately, the milk was sour.

Fox News host Sean Hannity slammed Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, saying he is “so anti-Trump”…the first case of the Fair Pot calling the Balanced Kettle black.

A new study states that Millennials are more willing to use credit to buy experiences, as opposed to incurring debt for material things. Among the experiences millennials cited are travel, learning new skills, and bankruptcy court.