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Today is September 12th – the day after the National Day of Remembrance – the day where it’s officially OK To Forget for another 364 days.

Demi Lovato was revealed as Anonymouse on the season premiere of The Masked Singer. Judges quickly guessed her identity after she sang, and after she told judges she identified as a non-binary rodent.

Escaped fugitive Danelo Cavalcante reportedly was uninjured after a homeowner shot at him during a break-in and burglary where he stole a .22-caliber shotgun. The homeowner is hoping he returns so Cavalcante can show him how to improve his accuracy.

McDonald’s is phasing out self-serve soda stations, citing fewer dine-in customers and food safety concerns after several customers suffered Dr. Pepper overdoses.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un arrived in Russia via his armored train – The Little Engine That Could Sell Ballistic Weapons to Vladimir Putin.

Jamie Lynn Spears joined this season’s celebrity competitors on Dancing With The Stars. Meanwhile, older sister Britney will continue posting Instagram videos on Dancing With Handfuls Of Prescription Drugs.

Reports of host Jimmy Fallon’s toxic behavior on The Tonight Show have spurred a ‘Bring Back Conan’ (O’Brien)’ movement from social media users citing his kind behavior. When O’Brien inevitably refuses, the movement is expected to shift to ‘Bring Back Anyone But Jay Leno’.

A dog is recovering at a veterinary facility after being rescued from an on-ramp construction area of Interstate 95 in Philadelphia. The dog was injured after flipping off several motorists who wouldn’t let her merge.

Susanna Gibson, Democrat candidate running for Virginia’s House of Delegates, reportedly streamed sex with her husband on porn site Chaturbate. She’s trailing her Republican rival in a recent poll, but is in front of her husband’s pole in the videos.

A male New Jersey high school teacher who resigned after posting nude photos of a female student on a ‘revenge porn’ website accepted a new teaching job in a different district. In New Jersey’s public school system, you take whoever you can get.

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Customers are furious that Starbucks is changing from cubed ice to crushed ice. However, more customers are furious that there’s crushed ice in the hot coffee they ordered.

Ukraine President Zelenskyy attended the G7 Summit in Japan. He’s looking forward to the cocktail party where he can get bombed figuratively instead of literally.

OpenAI is introducing a ChatGPT artificial intelligence app for iPhones. “Oh sh*t” said Siri.

Jane Fonda said a film director asked to have sex with her before filming a sex scene to understand what her orgasms are like. Even more surprising, it was during the making of ’80 For Brady‘.

Both 89-year-old Senator Dianne Feinstein and 29-year-old Justin Bieber suffered from Ramsey-Hunt syndrome, a paralysis caused by the shingles virus. It’s also known as the “Not Choosy About Looks” virus.

A man who drove his family off a cliff in their Tesla said he was pulling over to check a tire, whereas his wife says he was trying to kill them. He said he was right because he got out of the car at the bottom of the cliff and all four tires were flat.

The Masked Singer revealed Medusa – Bishop Briggs – as its newest champion. Leading to a flood of 50-and-over Google searches of ‘Who is Bishop Briggs?’

Disney will close the $4,800/night Star Wars hotel it opened just last year – resulting in the loss of about 100 jobs of hotel staff and sex droids.

Jimmy Buffett canceled a May 20th concert in Charleston after being admitted to a local hospital for treatment with a frozen concoction that helps him hang on.

The O.C. actress Rachel Bilson, who recently commented on a podcast that she likes to “be manhandled” during sex, said her frank comments cost her a job. The executive producers of ‘Paw Patrol On Broadway’ refused to comment.

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Tennis champion Maria Sharapova is pregnant. If you think the noise she makes when she hits a backhand is loud, just wait a few months.

NASA scientists discovered ‘micronovas’, the smallest thermonuclear blasts. They also call ‘micronovas’ the brightest ideas shared by the dumbest people who still work at NASA.

Veterinarians warn they’re seeing more cases of domestic animals eating their owner’s cannabis edibles. The pets recover in a couple days, but it’s hard getting the service dogs back to work after lying on the sofa watching the Doctor Who marathon.

Netflix – which lost over 30% of its value after posting a decline in subscribers – is considering launching an ad-supported version. And by “ads” they mean “adding porn”.

A boy in Brazil was born with two penises, and doctors had to remove the larger one because it couldn’t urinate. His parents sued the surgeon because the child was dismembered.

California police are allegedly playing copyrighted Disney music while on duty, so that the company will take down the videos if they’re posted by concerned citizens. No statement has been made from Disney about a supercut of cops shooting unarmed teenagers to ‘Whistle While You Work’.

A Swiss developer is building a 328-foot tall residential tower from timber – the world’s tallest. The condo association has already rejected dozens of applications filed by families of termites.

Thursday is the first day for legal recreational marijuana sales in New Jersey. New Jersey is also the only place you’ll find the exclusive Roy Rogers strain.

Following the Oscars slap incident, Broadway’s Tony Awards instituted a ‘No Violence’ policy, which, in effect, removes the last reason anyone had for wanting to watch the Tony Awards.

The Masked Singer aired the episode revealing Rudy Giuliani as Jack In The Box singing ‘Bad To The Bone’. He, of course, sucked, but stuck around long enough to announce his plan to expose Jenny McCarthy’s voter fraud resulting in Jewel’s win last season.

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Fox Networks ‘The Masked Singer‘ unveiled Rudy Giuliani as a contestant during a taping last week. No one is allowed to say what character he was, but everyone’s pretty sure his song was a poor choice of The Four Seasons.

The Masked Singer wanted to get Trump’s former Attorney General William Barr, but he decided to sing to the January 6th Committee instead.

A Florida boy ‘magnet fishing’ with his grandfather retrieved two military-grade sniper rifles valued at around $20,000. Then they spent the rest of the day sniper-rifle-fishing.

Ronda Rousey posted photos breastfeeding her baby backstage at WWE’s Royal Rumble wrestling event. The baby tapped out, burped, and demanded a rematch.

Milwaukee meteorologist Rebecca Shuld of CBS58 brought her new baby on-air during a recent weather forecast. The baby mostly behaved, but parts of the east coast were hit with an unexpected storm of vomit.

The U.S. Army will begin discharging enlisted men & women refusing vaccines immediately. “Alright!” said soldiers who thought it would take desertion or selling secrets to get kicked out.

An elite U.S. strike force killed Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi, head of terror group ISIS, at a home in Syria. The attack destroyed the entire second floor of the home, which will be featured in next season’s premiere of Syria HGTV ‘Fixer Upper‘.

Actor Channing Tatum said he’s “traumatized” and can’t watch Marvel movies, because Marvel Studios wouldn’t let him direct Marvel hero film ‘Gambit‘ and cancelled it. Marvel said if Tatum wants to make a lousy superhero movie he should join the Justice League.

Shares of Facebook parent company Meta plunged 22% as the company reported declining quarterly user numbers for the first time in Facebook’s history. Even worse, when Facebook asked former users if they plan to return, they replied ‘Interested’.

Rihanna is pregnant, and was seen with baby daddy A$AP Rocky buying a bigger umbrella ella ella eh eh eh.

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Ellen Degeneres is buying back a six-acre California ranch she’d sold in 2018. Once her talk show ends in 2022, she plans to move to the ranch and bully horses instead of her staff.

Kardashian-adjacent doofus Scott Disick threw himself a 38th birthday party, where his 19-year-old girlfriend gave him a new Harley Davidson motorcycle. It was one of the two things he wanted, the other being a 17-year-old girlfriend.

Actor Timothee Chalamet has reportedly been cast in a film detailing Willy Wonka’s origin story, ‘The Kid Who Likes Chocolate, But Only If It’s Made By Enslaved Little People’.

Lindsay Lohan will star in a new romantic comedy for Netflix. It’s the first film in a new distribution model, where new Netflix movies premiere two weeks earlier in a $1.00 bin at Walgreens checkout counters.

Texas lawmakers approved allowing people to carry handguns without a license, background check or training. Vegas oddsmakers now predict the Dallas Cowboys & Houston Texans will each win all of their home games.

Anna Duggar – pregnant with her seventh child – is “standing by” husband Josh, who’s accused of possessing child pornography, after admitting to cheating on her. Because good men are hard to find in Arkansas.

‘Friends’ alum Matthew Perry is selling COVID-related t-shirts with a version of his character’s catchphrase “Could I BE any more vaccinated?” Then after COVID he has one for himself reading ‘Could I BE any more medicated?’

American Idol crowned its latest champion – whose best shot at fame is probably getting picked to wear a chicken costume on The Masked Singer.

The body of a man missing in Barcelona, Spain was found inside the leg of a stegosaurus statue. Officials were surprised, because the stegosaurus is an herbivore.

Elliot Page posted his first topless photo since declaring they are a trans male. Ironically, he’s now working on ways to make his chest bigger.

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The CDC said it’s safe for vaccinated grandparents to visit in-person with low-risk family members. So grandchildren, consider yourself warned.

Five jurors have been selected in the trial of Derek Chauvin, Minneapolis police officer accused of killing George Floyd. Defense attorneys are looking to avoid juror bias, prosecutors are looking for people who can slam-dunk a murder conviction.

For the fourth time on Thursday, freshman Congressman Marjorie Taylor-Greene motioned to adjourn Congressional business for that day. Because apparently 10 weeks off isn’t enough.

A Kroger supermarket pharmacy in Virginia gave 10 people empty shots at a COVID-19 vaccine clinic. In a month, they’ll have to return for a second empty shot.

Lou Ottens, inventor of the cassette tape, passed away at age 94. Doctors were unable to save him by twirling a ball point pen in his hole. [story h/t to N.Y. ! ]

Apple announced new features coming to Apple Watch, including the ability to let the watch bore your friends by telling them about the features so you don’t have to.

Jennifer Garner said one of her daughters with Ben Affleck was kicked off a kindergarten soccer team because of paparazzi – that, and multiple red cards for kicks to the groin of opponents.

The Masked Singer unmasked its first non-winner of the new season: Kermit the Frog. So now you know that Kermit the Frog is officially a has-been.

Hillary Clinton tweeted about the 526,000 lives lost to COVID-19, and her disbelief that only a couple of them were on her enemies list.

The National Hockey League’s worst team, the Buffalo Sabres, will have fans in their home building for the first time since the pandemic started. City officials thanked the team for doing their part to give the city’s homeless someplace to go for a few hours.

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A Doylestown, Pennsylvania man was chosen to manage the official @Ireland Twitter account. He’ll return control to native Irish once they sober up.

Five parrots at a British zoo were separated and moved because they were all cursing at visitors. However, they did get people to give them a lot of f***ing crackers.

Google held an online event to introduce its new Pixel 5 phone – which most everybody watched on their iPhone.

A new study of 3,200 women showed they still consider sex to be important as they age – they just don’t think it’s that important tonight.

Scientists determined a woman’s reproductive system can actively select which sperm are accepted to fertilize an egg. They found the sperm with the highest chance of acceptance drove to the egg in a Porsche instead of swimming.

Conflict rages on between Armenia and Azerbaijan, in what’s being called ‘The War Almost Nobody Can Find On A Map.’

The Tokyo Stock Exchange suffered its worst outage ever, as officials scrambled for hours locating someone in Japan who’s good with computers.

COVID-19 vaccine trial participants report day-long exhaustion and headaches, symptoms similar to a control group that didn’t receive the vaccine and visited their parents.

The chief of the Federal Aviation Administration test-flew the currently-suspended Boeing 737 MAX, and recommended some changes to the aircraft as he floated to the ground in a parachute.

‘The Masked Singer’ contestant, actor Mickey Rourke, eliminated himself from the competition on Tuesday night, as did millions of other men who eliminated themselves from watching it to flip to the NBA Finals.

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A former New York restaurant hostess said in a TikTok video that Kylie Jenner left a $20 tip on a $500 dinner bill. Reached for comment, Kylie said it was because she was out of $1s and $5s .

Taco Bell is reportedly planning a massive overhaul of its menu, but assures customers that whatever they serve will still result in a massive overhaul to their bathroom.

Three teenagers fishing off the coast of Maine took nearly 7 hours to haul in a 700-pound bluefin tuna. They started a GoFundMe to raise money for enough firecrackers to blow it up.

A California teen is credited with inventing ‘Talking Masks’ – masks with a clear panel so deaf people can read their lips, and also tell them they have spinach in their teeth.

Nick Cannon apologized for anti-Semitic remarks he made on a podcast, and was subsequently confirmed to be keeping his job as host of The Masked Singer – which will be renamed The Masked Singers Who Probably Aren’t Jewish.

British Airways announced they’re retiring their entire fleet of Boeing 747s, but will allow pilots and flight attendants the opportunity to have one final shag in the first-class loo.

Smugglers attempted to ship cocaine from Colombia to Italy in coffee beans that had been sliced open and resealed. Italian cops arrested the man who picked up the package, then had the best goddamned coffee break ever.

Following a night of wild partying, recording artist Megan Thee Stallion was taken to a hospital with gunshot wounds in her foot. Doctors say she’s lucky the bullets didn’t break her leg, because they’d have to put Stallion down.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Danica Patrick have ended their two-year relationship, which ran out of gas.

Kanye West is reportedly still forging ahead with his presidential run, and Caitlyn Jenner wants to be his running mate. Jenner would become the first vice-president to declare their pronouns.

 

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Donald Trump explained his opposition to mail-in voting, saying “voting is an honor”. He added “there’s only one thing more important than honor…in ‘er.” [ED NOTE: This is an old street joke that I first saw when it was told in an interview by actor John Wayne.]

Lori Loughlin will plead guilty to fraud in the College Admissions Scandal. “Have mercy!” said her mullet-haired lawyer.

Johns Hopkins University researchers say the coronavirus has infected its 5 Millionth person, although they are baffled as to who should get the balloons and confetti.

Three people were shot near a reopened shopping & entertainment district in a suburb of Phoenix. Residents expressed relief that things are getting back to normal.

The Masked Singer crowned its new champion, Kandi Burruss – who said she’ll probably put her costume back on so people would know who the hell she is.

Todd Tilghman won The Voice. “Who’s Todd Tilghman?” asked Kandi Burruss.

Sylvester Stallone is hosting a ‘Rocky’ watch party on Facebook. The party will last four hours – 90 minutes for the movie, and 2 1/2 hours so a translator can decipher what Stallone is mumbling.

Experts say public swimming pools may be closed in areas with large numbers of COVID-19 cases. It’s either that, or kids drown when they struggle to breathe through a wet facemask.

An unnamed NFL player from New Jersey claims a female passenger on a United Airlines flight sexually assaulted him, repeatedly groping his thighs and crotch. The woman was moved to a different seat, where other male passengers fought to sit next to her.

A 43-year-old male nurse in San Francisco showed in before & after pics how a six-week battle with COVID-19 caused him to lose 50 pounds. After seeing the photos, Weight Watchers told its members coronavirus counts as zero points.

 

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Two domestic house cats in New York City tested positive for coronavirus. The cats have decided to self-quarantine for 15 years.

Facebook Messenger Kids app will launch in 70 more countries, providing a valuable communications tool for quarantined pedophiles.

With Kim Jong Un’s health in question, political observers are wondering who would be next in line to lead North Korea. Most agree that it would be Kim’s younger sister, Dakota Jong Un.

Zoom released version 5.0 with security and privacy improvements – so Zoombombers can now control who else on the video conference sees their genitals.

Tiger Woods & Tom Brady will take on Phil Mickelson & Peyton Manning in a charity challenge for COVID-19 relief called “Golf on TV Somehow Cures Boredom”.

The Masked Singer’s Banana was revealed to be Poison frontman Bret Michaels. Now millions of Americans – not just Poison groupies – have seen Bret Michaels’ Banana.

A new study finds eating potatoes with processed meat leads to higher risk of dementia, leading the American Medical Association to consider changing its name to McDementia.

Industry leader DJI is prepared to release its latest camera drone model, the Mavic Air 2. It costs $799, or $999 if you want it to just find topless women on its own.

Golden State Warriors head coach & former Chicago Bull Steve Kerr said in an interview that Michael Jordan punching him in the face “helped our relationship”. Kerr went into coaching after a brief, unsuccessful career as a marriage counselor.

Nintendo Switch consoles are being hacked and used to purchase expensive in-game currencies, according to a report from Detective Toad of the Mushroom Kingdom’s cybercrimes division.