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Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

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A JetBlue pilot with a blood-alcohol level four times the legal limit was removed from the cockpit of a flight departing Buffalo, NY. He was later fired and stripped of his Buffalo wings.

Melinda French Gates, ex-wife of Bill Gates, opened up about her divorce in an interview with CBS, saying “I couldn’t trust what we had” adding “except, you know, for the billions and billions of dollars”..

‘Miss Teen Washington’ winner Kate Wilson, 17, faced calls to step down after an old Tik Tok video emerged showing her using the n-word. No word on her decision, but she may just switch to Miss Teen Alabama.

An Argentinian teenager was electrocuted after leaving the family dinner table to charge his phone. Unlike the teen, his meal got cold.

The January 6th Committee assert Donald Trump and his lawyer collaborated in a criminal conspiracy to overturn the 2020 Presidential Election. The Committee said they’ll be adding this criminal charge to the pile.

Some Russian oligarchs are speaking out cautiously against the war in Ukraine; specifically, the ones with no plans to see President Putin anytime soon.

Kim Kardashian was declared legally single, after a California judge issued a first-of-its-kind divorce decree on Instagram.

Premature menopause is linked to dementia risk. While that is cause for concern, these women can worry less about forgetting to take birth control.

A Wisconsin woman choked her lover to death during sex and then dismembered him, putting his head and genitals in a bucket and his legs in a Crock Pot. She forfeited her entry in her church’s upcoming chili cookoff.

Wheel Of Fortune host Pat Sajak took to Twitter to defend three contestants whose inability to solve a near-complete puzzle ‘ANOTHER FEATHER _N YO_R _A_’ captivated social media. Sajak cited the pressure of the game, and that he tipped his lap to their courage.

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Scientists now claim there were three species of tyrannosaurs, not just Rex – but concluded Tyrannosaurus Seth & Tyrannosaurus Dakota weren’t tough enough to survive.

Major League Baseball, unable to reach a new collective bargaining agreement with players, cancelled Opening Day. Ticket holders are advised to make alternate plans to get drunk on a Wednesday afternoon.

Former The Bachelor-star-slash ‘out’ gay man Colton Underwood got engaged in Big Sur, and is happy that he found his Big Sir.

Felicity Ace, a cargo ship carrying thousands of luxury cars like Lamborghinis & Porsches, sunk in the Atlantic Ocean after it caught fire. Filming begins next week on The Fast & The Furious: Crabs vs Sea Turtles.

Jon Bon Jovi turned 60, and is now Livin’ On A Medicare.

Republican representatives and serial imbeciles Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene repeatedly heckled President Joe Biden during his State Of The Union address, but were allowed to stay because they’d each met the two-drink minimum.

Doctors report the pickleball craze is leading to a rash of hospital visits among baby boomers. Players are advised to employ stretching exercises before games, and to always bring their defibrillator.

Philadelphia dropped its mask mandate, allowing city drivers to see the smiling face of their carjacker.

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine may increase in the price of beer, according to the Brand Manager in charge of the wild new flavors of Bud Light Hard Seltzer!!

Juli Boeheim, wife of Syracuse University basketball coach Jim Boeheim, was robbed at gunpoint outside of the city’s Destiny USA shopping mall. The robber was credited with a steal, and Juli with a turnover.

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A barbell loaded with 400 pounds of weight crushed the neck of a woman at a gym in Mexico City, killing her. “You got this!” said the world’s worst bench-press spotter.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX/Starlink Satellite Internet service will provide broadband to war-torn Ukraine, so soldiers defending the country can still watch porn.

$2.9 million worth of meth disguised as onions was seized by cops in California. In other news, organizers cancelled the West Virginia Onion Festival.

Target recalled beaded baby teething toys because they pose a choking hazard, unless your baby has strong enough teeth to chew the beads and eat them.

Last night the SAG Awards were held in Hollywood, with a Lifetime Achievement SAG Award given to Meryl Streep’s tits.

Astronomers discovered two ‘supermassive’ black holes spiraling toward each other in what’s being described as a ‘cataclysmic’ collision, and the worst-ever black-on-black violence in the galaxy.

New research finds teens who smoked during adolescence age faster than their peers as adults, although their peers also refer to them as “that cool-looking older dude”.

NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover captured a photo of a mineral formation that looks like a flower. When it returned the next day it was gone, plucked by a martian who forgot his wedding anniversary.

Instagram influencer Paige Lorenze dumped country singer Morgan Wallen after accusing him of cheating on her. For his part, Wallen’s spokesperson said he’s “focused on being a dad” of his 1-year-old son, and on “probably being a dad again” with different women who show up at his concerts.

The iPhone SE’s price may drop as low as $199 after Apple updates in lineup in March. At $199, it could become the first iPhone that costs less to buy new than to fix its inevitable broken screen.

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Producers of The Oscars telecast controversially announced multiple technical awards will not be presented on air, to allow more time for co-host Amy Schumer to tell jokes that she stole.

A hostage standoff at an Apple Store in Amsterdam ended with the hostage fleeing to safety and the captor dying after being hit by a police car. The store will remain closed for a day, then reopen with the hostage still fourth in line at the Genius Bar.

A teen boy collected a $1,800 reward offered by his mother for staying off social media for six years. Then he downloaded Tinder and saw his mother.

Tom Brady will produce and star in ‘80 For Brady‘ – featuring Jane Fonda, Sally Field, Rita Moreno & Lily Tomlin – about four older women who attend the 2017 Super Bowl. Robert Kraft is also making a movie and cast two unknown 50-year-old Asian women.

A female professional clown said her Tinder profile was removed because she wore clown makeup in her profile photos. Tinder officials disputed her claim, saying it wasn’t the makeup, it was a video of her lifting her arms and her pants falling down. [Story h/t to J.K.]

Russia invaded Ukraine – leading to an increase in the price of oil, consumer products and, for some reason, your Comcast/Xfinity bill.

Los Angeles’ $1.2 billion program to build housing for the homeless is resulting in a $837,000 cost to house a single homeless person. Even more incredible, the homeless person is then flipping the house for $950,000.

Kim Kardashian asked a judge for an acceleration of her divorce, saying estranged husband Kanye West’s social media posts are causing her “emotional distress” that she “can’t make money from”.

In a new documentary, deceased comedian Jerry Lewis is accused of sexual harassment by two past female costars, claiming he pressed his doyyynkkk against their voyvinnnnggg!

A neurosurgeon’s recording of an 87-year-old man’s dying brain activity is reinforcing the belief that “life flashes before your eyes” before death – or, at least, the parts with nudity.

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Following Russia’s invasion of eastern Ukraine, the United States imposed strict new sanctions – starting with Netflix only offering one episode of Russian-language shows each week instead of releasing the whole season at once.

National Guard troops will be deployed to Washington DC to break up trucker convoys who intend to block traffic in protest of pandemic restrictions. So far the truckers haven’t arrived because traffic is already pretty terrible.

Google updated its Google Assistant software, so saying the word “Stop” is all that’s needed to get it to stop talking while it answers your question. However, they warn that using it on your wife is still a bad idea.

Sony unveiled its new virtual-reality gaming headset, the PlayStation VR 2. No release date was given for the headset, or for what’s expected to be its most popular game, the one where the kid wearing it pretends he actually gets laid.

Game publisher Activision announced they won’t release a Call Of Duty video game in 2023. If gamers really need a new experience shooting things up, Activision will offer discount trips to Chicago and Philadelphia.

Weight loss influencer Lexi Reed, who’d dropped 312 pounds in five years, returned home after being treated in the hospital for organ failure. She’s excited about her new, lighter, liver and kidneys.

Upstart pro football league USFL began its first player draft, with each team selecting a quarterback. First overall pick was the guy you screamed “YOU SUCK” at when he played for your NFL team.

China claims rocket debris set to collide with the Moon are not from its 2014 lunar mission – a claim disputed by NASA, who say the debris has been orbiting the moon with its turn signal on for over seven years.

Pepsi is launching Nitro Pepsi, a canned cola infused with nitrogen gas which delivers a “silky, foamy” texture to go along with your sugar-powered toothache.

Rosie O’Donnell apologized for comments assuming actress Priyanka Chopra was author Deepak Chopra’s daughter. O’Donnell is expected to have her mind blown when she meets several people named Patel.

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Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

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North Korea’s soccer team withdrew from World Cup 2022 qualifying. Head Coach & Benevolent Leader Kim Jong Un blamed their poor play on a lack of execution, then executed them.

A 14-year-old boy near Calgary, Alberta accidentally rode his bike into a rattlesnake den. He waved to the dozen-or-so Catholic priests and pedaled safely away.

A new study finds rodents and pigs can breathe out their rectums. “I know breathing, and that’s not breathing” say their disgusted wives and girlfriends.

The Ukrainian government seized 1,500 bottles of vodka made with apples from Chernobyl, and scientists want it back. They were testing its safety for human consumption in a signature cocktail, the CosmoPlutonian.

A man ambushed his ex-wife at their son’s sporting event, chasing her onto the field while holding two knives. Play was halted as the kids asked their coach why he was chasing the lady around with knives.

Mountain Dew is releasing a Cake Smash flavor that tastes like dessert. You drink it after a meal of original Mountain Dew to contract Type II diabetes twice as fast.

Bill Gates reportedly had an affair with a Microsoft employee. They kept it secret for so long because they were the only two people using Windows Live Messenger for Zune.

A Key Largo, Florida man crashed his boat at a high rate of speed and died with “mangroves lodged in his head”. The coroner’s report stated “he had it all, just like Bogey & Bacall, only with a mangrove lodged in his head, in Key Largo.”

New York City Police are banned from gay Pride marches in the city until 2025. Gay NYC cops are angry, but plan to hold their own Shooting Unarmed Criminals Pride parade.

While Scarlett Johansson accepted the MTV Movie Awards ‘Generation Award’ for her 30-year movie career, husband Colin Jost poured slime on her. He’s the third husband to slime Scarlett Johnasson.

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Clothing retailer Express closed 31 stores over the weekend – fast!

China warns the deadly Wuhan coronavirus is becoming more infectious. Australia has confirmed four cases, and is planning to control further outbreak of the virus by burning it.

U.S. health officials confirmed the fifth stateside case of coronavirus, a college student in Arizona. The student is in isolation but, like most Arizona college students, is not worried about missing classes.

Billie Eilish swept four major Grammy categories – Record, Album, Song of the Year & Best New Artist. Oddsmakers now predict ‘Joker’ will win multiple Oscars because of this being such a big year for green hair.

A new book by former National Security Adviser John Bolton reportedly confirms  Donald Trump illegally withheld aid to Ukraine until they investigated the Biden family. The White House reportedly had a preview manuscript of the book for a month, but were waiting for the pop-up version before reading it.

Disney is reportedly adding Fastpass to its Star Wars theme park rides, after visitor complaints about how many parsecs it takes for the line to move.

Florida held its annual Python Bowl, where hunters are invited to catch the large constrictor snakes to reduce their population. That evening in Miami, they held the afterparty – also called Python Bowl – an all-night gay male rave.

A new survey claims 94 percent of Millennials’ No. 1 life goal is to be debt-free. Coincidentally, 94 percent of their parents say their No. 1 life goal is to be free of Millennials debt, too.

Philadelphia’s Chinatown held a parade to recognize the Lunar New Year, welcoming the Year of the Rat. Or, as it’s called in Philadelphia Chinatown, Every Year.

The Wall Street Journal reports supermarkets are increasingly shutting down their pharmacy counters – after losing millions of dollars in OxyContin in the pharmacies’ self-checkout lanes.