By |

French Olympic pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati became a viral sensation after it appeared the bulge of his penis dislodged the bar during an attempt. He’s now dealing with rumors that he’s gay after the world clearly saw that rod-on-rod action.

Joaquin Guzman Lopez, son of Sinaloa Cartel drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested and charged with drug trafficking and money laundering. He pled not guilty in a Chicage court, where DEA agents called him a Chipo Off the El Chapo.

Los Angeles, California police are patrolling the Champs Elysees in Paris during the Summer Olympics. They say the scenery is marvelous, but they’re kind of bored without as many unarmed persons of color to shoot.

Aerosmith announced they will stop tourning because frontman Steven Tyler can no longer sing. However, Motley Crue announced they will continue touring despite frontman Vince Neil being unable to sing for the last twenty years.

An 82-year-old employee who’s worked at a Las Vegas McDonald’s for 15 years said he continues to work because he can’t afford to retire. He said he contributes to a 401k but was shocked to learn his contributions were matched with french fries.

Following the resignation of two different Miss USAs, Michigan’s Alma Cooper assumed the title. If she also chooses to resign, the crown will be given to the entrant with the next-largest breasts.

The first fatal crash of a Tesla Cybertruck was reported in Texas. The driver could have been saved, but most people driving by the wreck assumed a refrigerator had fallen off the delivery truck.

At Knowwhere Farm in Chesterfield, New Jersey, visitors can come hug a cow named Moo for free. Meanwhile at the Atlantic City Boardwalk, one named Dakota will hug you and do other stuff for around fifty dollars.

One million dollars worth of cocaine was reportedly blown on to a Florida Keys beach by Tropical Storm Debby. The storm was so powerful it was able to dislodge the cocaine from the rectums of people smuggling it on their boat.

Google was found to have a search engine monopoly in an anti-trust suit lodged by the Justice Department, and by guys who turned off SafeSearch and still ended up getting the same porn over and over again.

By |

For the first time, the NCAA announced that they’ll provide payments to university athletes. Men’s football & basketball athletes were disappointed to lear that the payments will be delivered by direct deposit, and not prostitutes.

Doctors have developed a new blood test to detect colon cancer. They draw blood, and a dog sniffs it.

For the first time since the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed, cruise ships are departing from Baltimore’s harbor. To honor the tragedy, 21 Carnival Cruise ship passengers vomited over the side of their ship as it departed.

Nicki Minaj was arrested at Amsterdam airport on a drug possession charge – rebooting the old ‘Oprah smuggling 50 pounds of crack’ joke.

America’s tallest water slide, Rise Of Icarus, opened at Mt Olympus Water Park in Wisconsin. It’s 145 feet tall, and is staffed by technicians trained to use the Jaws of Life to extract swimsuits from butt cracks.

A 11-year-old fifth grader raised $7,200 to pay off the lunch debt owed by all children at his school. His next mission is to raise money to pay the hospital bills for all of the kids who ate the salisbury steak.

A new study finds couples who drink together live longer – since it helps them forget what makes them angry at each other.

Scientists discovered a potential link between tattoos and blood cancer. They urge people not to get a new tattoo to commemorate their battle with blood cancer.

Pope Francis allegedly commented on gay men not being allowed to train for the priesthood in seminary because there’s already enough ‘f*ggotry’ taking place. His peers were surprised by the language, but admitted the dude makes a fair point.

Bruce Springsteen cancelled concerts after losing his voice. He was sent best wishes by Bob Dylan and Motley Crue’s Vince Neil, who also lost their voice but continue to perform anyway.

By |

A Philadelphia man was assaulted by dirt bikers & ATV riders as they tried to steal his scooter. Philadelphia notches the first recorded case of ScootJacking.

Dora The Explorer is getting a reboot on Paramount +, after Dora emerged from extensive counseling following her work with Nickelodeon’s Dan Schneider in the early 2000s.

Five military horses escaped and ran wild through the streets of central London, damaging cars and injuring pedestrians. Authorities pursued the horses through late afternoon, until the horses stopped for tea & scones.

Actress Christina Applegate said on her podcast that she’s been sick for three weeks with sapovirus – accidental ingestion of human fecal matter. Applegate announced she’s no longer a Brand Ambassador for Saladworks.

TikTok’s CEO vowed to fight a U.S. law requiring the Chinese government’s sale of the app within a year. The U.S. Government said if they can’t make them sell it, they’ll make them change the name to MySpace and everyone will just stop using it.

South Korea is considering a ban on the iPhone for use by their armed forces, because they deem it a security threat. This follows a move by North Korea, which has already banned paper cups atttached to strings for the same reason.

Motley Crue signed with record label Big Machine, with frontman Vince Neil saying “we don’t want to stagnate”. This Friday, they’ll release a new single, ‘Dogs Of War’, with Billboard projecting it could land at #1 on the Stagnated Dinosaur Rock chart.

Theresa Nist, ex-wife of Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, told People magazine in a new interview that she “found a new joy in life” – as she opened the drawer of her nightstand.

Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy said WNBA star Caitlin Clark is getting “screwed” by Nike over her 8-year, $28 million endorsement deal that includes a signature Clark shoe. Nike defended the deal, saying it also includes a matching Caitlin Clark belt and handbag.

A Texas high school cheerleader who was named Valedictorian was notified that a calculation error was found, dropping her to 3rd in the class. However, her measurements were verified so she still gets to keep her cheerleading scholarship offers.

By |

Taylor Swift released her new album, Midnights, then several hours later released the ‘3a.m. Edition’ of the album featuring seven new songs, after she remembered seven more guys who’d dumped her.

Elon Musk plans to cut 75% of Twitter’s staff if he buys the company, with the rest hanging on by a Twitter thread.

Netflix added a disclaimer of “fictional” to Season 5 of its series ‘The Crown’, which follows the drama of Britain’s Royal Family, after viewer backlash. However, they still refuse to add a disclaimer of “dull”.

Netflix is also planning to film a new Adam Sandler movie with ‘Uncut Gems’ writer/director partners the Safdie Brothers. Right now it’s only referred to as ‘Untitled Adam Sandler Project And NO, Rob Schneider & Kevin James Can’t Be In It.’

Steve Bannon is scheduled to be sentenced today following his conviction for Contempt of Congress. Bannon is expected to fight the sentence, as well as any requests to get his to shave or shower beforehand.

Girl Scouts of America received its largest-ever individual donation, $84.5 million, from Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. Said Scott, “now get me the goddamned Thin Mints.”

New York City opened a tent camp to house immigrants bused there by southern U.S. states. The immigrants are unexpectedly finding themselves fighting for tents with NYC residents because they’re nicer than their apartments.

Motley Crue and Def Leppard announced a 2023 World Tour, giving fans in South America and Europe the chance to see & hear for themselves that Vince Neil can’t sing anymore.

James Corden, who’d reportedly apologized for his rude behavior to restaurant servers, now says in a New York Times interview “I haven’t done anything wrong, on any level”. This comes as news to anyone who watched ‘Cats‘.

Fashion house Balenciaga terminated their relationship with Kanye West over his anti-Semitic remarks. However, West is expected to sign a deal with Wrangler jeans, who say if they worked with Brett Favre, they might as well work with this guy.

By |

Ariel the Mermaid lost part of her seashell bra during a Disney World Parade. Sebastian the Crab serenaded the crowd with ‘Under The Sea’ as she looked to cover up Over The C’s.

A 7-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero for performing the Heimlich maneuver on a classmate choking on pizza in the school cafeteria. He then punched the same kid for refusing to trade his chocolate pudding for Fritos.

Georgia Tik Tok influencer Kylie Strickland is being investigated for flashing her breasts at two small boys at a swimming pool during a livestream. The boys remained in the pool for several uncomfortable minutes.

Unconfirmed reports state U.S. representatives are working on a prisoner swap, with WNBA star Britney Griner returning to the States in exchange for a Russian arms dealer, future considerations, and a scumbag to be named later.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson resigned amidst multiple scandals including parties during COVID lockdown and failure to act on sexual misconduct perpetrated by one of his allies. The good news is, his awful behavior has earned him reality show offers from three U.S. cable channels.

Apple plans to launch an Extreme Sports edition Apple Watch, with a metal casing & larger screen, designed to withstand the toughest afternoons lying on your couch.

Viral video showed a teleprompter on stage during Motley Crue’s set during their U.S. Stadium Tour, reminding Vince Neil of song lyrics he can’t sing anyway.

The NFL’s hearings regarding alleged sexual misconduct by Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson concluded after three days. Any decision regarding suspensions or disciplinary action will be delayed while everyone unwinds with a relaxing massage.

Kim Kardashian spoke to Allure magazine, telling an interviewer what she has, and hasn’t, put in her face on the day of the interview. She admitted to having a small amount of Botox and a larger amount of Pete Davidson.

Kazuki Takahashi, creator of the hit TV series and trading card game Yu-Gi-Oh, passed away at age 60. Said mourners, “Yu-Gi-Oh no”.

By |

NASA’s Mars Rover found a shiny piece of foil on a rock. It also found an extraterrestrial lying on the ground holding its stomach, then discovered the foil had ‘KFC’ printed on it.

A new study discovered that when cats chew and rub against catnip, it protects them against mosquitoes. Indoor cats still like it just to get wasted.

Vladimir Putin claimed that a cyberattack delayed his planned speech to the St. Petersburg Economic Forum. However, the tech support guy on site claimed Putin kept pressing the wrong function key for the projector.

The Stadium Tour kicked off at Atlanta’s Truist Park, featuring performances from Classless Act, Joan Jett, Poison, Def Leppard, Motley Crue, and the defibrillator used to keep Motley’s Mick Mars and Vince Neil moving.

The state of Hawai’i’ tweeted that there are currently no girls detained in the Hawai’i Youth Correctional Facility. The facility’s annual Hula Contest promises to be an interesting one.

After closing due to the ongoing pandemic, Hong Kong’s iconic Jumbo Floating Restaurant was towed away. To save money, they used octopuses repurposed from the kitchen.

WWE CEO Vince McMahon stepped down after it was revealed he paid $3 million in hush money to a female employee with whom he naked tag-teamed.

USA Today determined a reporter fabricated quotes for 23 different stories, forcing their removal from the green, purple & red sections.

20 juveniles attempted to seize control of a youth correctional facility in Louisiana, but their plan unraveled when they argued about whose Tik Tok they would post the video to.

Jackass star Johnny Knoxville filed for divorce from his wife, Naomi. He’s asking for joint custody of their two children, who will be delivered to him every other weekend by being shot out of a cannon.

By |

Mattel introduced the first-ever Hot Wheels remote-controlled wheelchair toy, modeled after paraplegic daredevil Aaron ‘Wheels’ Fotheringham. The toy jumps ramps and does tricks, but still takes five minutes to get in and out of the remote-controlled van.

Philadelphia public schools will randomly screen students for weapons like handguns and knives. They won’t say where or when, but the school superintendent said they’ll probably focus on days when teachers have Show & Tell.

Fugitive murderer Casey White was captured after a car wreck ended a police chase in Indiana, and his alleged lover – corrections officer Vicky White – died at the hospital. Casey & Vicky: Love On the Run, starring Valerie Bertinelli, premieres on Lifetime this Friday.

Nikki Sixx condemned an unauthorized stage play The Crue: Underneath The Dirt Lies The Truth, which he says uses band trademarks & imagery without permission. Unlike most stage productions, producers cast the Vince Neil role to the worst singer.

Lizzo is introducing Yitty, a new women’s shapewear line. Apparel experts call it “a lot to ask of shapewear”.

Australian police found 110 pounds of cocaine near the body of a diver that had washed up on shore. An autopsy revealed the diver didn’t wait a half-hour after eating lunch before going in the water.

A prison riot in Ecuador left 43 people dead, in what’s being called the Taco Tuesday Massacre.

Jeffery Lamar Williams, 30, aka rapper Young Thug, was arrested for organizing a criminal street gang in his home city of Atlanta. Young Thug will be tried as Adult Defendant.

WNBA players posed for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. The shoot lasted several hours, following bikini waxing that took several days.

Britney Spears posted a dozen nude photographs on Instagram. Her fiance reminded her that’s not what it means that she has to be seen by an ob/gyn.

By |

Jim Carrey condemned the standing ovation given to Will Smith as he accepted his Best Actor Oscar. Insiders predict Carrey’s outspoken stance will almost certainly cost him an Oscar nomination for his role as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic The Hedgehog 2.

Bassist Nikki Sixx said Motley Crue – whose Stadium Tour starts in 10 weeks – haven’t rehearsed together in nine years. He added that lead singer Vince Neil hasn’t sung every word of a song in 30 years.

A former Yale University employee sold $40 million worth of electronics and kept the money, buying luxury cars, real estate, travel, and tuition at University of Phoenix.

Dyson unveiled the ‘Dyson Zone’, headphones with a built-in air purifier for your nose and mouth. It’s for people who like to listen to e*books or music when they use the bathroom at Indian restaurants.

The World Health Organization is investigating hearing problems linked to COVID vaccines. But since COVID already knocked out victims’ taste & smell, they’re less concerned about not hearing farts.

A new study links avocado consumption to a lower risk of heart disease, but researchers warn that it’s still a bad idea to put guacamole on french fries.

Use of disinfectants by pregnant women may increase the risk that their children have eczema or asthma. Pregnant women are advised to douche with something other than Lysol.

Intelligence officials say the North Korean ICBM launch last week was staged – using an older rocket, not new technology. They made the determination after studying the rocket in the propaganda film and seeing a New Kids On The Block sticker on it.

Experts say Russian claims of withdrawal from major Ukrainian cities are false. Their opinions are echoed by Russian hookers, who say they, too, have been misled by Vladimir Putin saying he’ll pull out.

Brooklyn traffic cop Ranjeet Singh is being praised for viral video showing him dancing like Michael Jackson while working busy intersections. Although parents tell their kids to walk a block up the street so they don’t cross near him.

By |

Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.