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Subway sandwich shops may be selling fake tuna fish, after a testing lab could not confirm the species of fish being sold as tuna. Apparently, tuna are just like millions of sandwich-loving Americans who wouldn’t be caught dead inside Subway.

White House First Dog Champ Biden passed away over the weekend. Surviving First Dog, Major Biden, asked for privacy during this difficult time so he could lick his own testicles.

Father of Kourtney Kardashian’s three children and legendary douche Scott Disick appeared on the Keeping Up With the Kardashians Reunion to answer why, at age 38, he’s dating a 20-year-old. Said Disick “because I can”.

Sprinter Usain Bolt and girlfriend Kasi Bennett welcomed twins, Saint and Thunder, who join older sibling Olympia Lightning. Usain & Kasi are unsure whether they’ll have more kids, or whether Bolt will disable his nuts.

Laurel Hubbard, a 43-year-old transgender female, will compete on New Zealand’s Olympic weightlifting team in Tokyo. Hubbard, who transitioned in 2013, wants to prove something to everyone who thought she didn’t have the balls.

Amazon kicked off its annual Prime Days sale. Competitors are creating their own online shopping events, with Target launching Deal Days, and Walmart holding their Hooray You Don’t Have To Actually Set Foot In Walmart sale.

The Supreme Court ruled against the NCAA, opening the door for student-athletes to receive “education-related compensation”. Football & basketball coaches immediately started interviewing academic tutors who are also exotic dancers.

American Airlines is reportedly cancelling flights because of a labor shortage. They say additional workers are needed. or else passengers will wait up to three hours for checked bags instead of the traditional 90 minutes.

Sesame Street introduced a gay couple for the first time. “Introduced? We’ve been here 40 goddamned years!” said Bert & Ernie.

Protesters at the Palm Springs unveiling of a 26-foot-tall statue of Marilyn Monroe, claimed it’s exploitative because it shows Monroe’s underwear, recreating a scene from The Seven-Year Itch. They also claim it’s unnecessary to have a statue of John F. Kennedy next to it, staring up her skirt.

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Walmart claims a ‘bad actor’ hacked their account and sent emails containing the n-word. Not Scott Baio, a different kind of bad actor.

McDonald’s is introducing a new McNuggets combo, the BTS Meal, in honor of the South Korean boy band. North Korea is introducing the Kim Jong Un Meal, because he’s the only guy in the country able to get food from McDonald’s.

Arby’s is also offering a BTS Meal, only it stands for Bowel Tearing Sandwiches.

‘Friends’ star Matthew Perry explained his slurred speech during an appearance promoting the HBO Max Friends Reunion special, blaming it on a dental visit. Earlier that day he got his teeth cleaned and did drugs with a dental hygienist.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight assaulted a flight attendant, knocking out two of her teeth. What’s most impressive is that they threw the punch from a window seat.

A Sherpa climber halted his attempt to summit Mount Everest for a record-breaking 26th time because, midway up the mountain, he had a bad dream. The bad dream was about the three guys climbing with him who froze to death.

Amazon bought MGM Studios for $8.45 billion. The iconic roaring lion that introduces MGM films will be replaced by the yelling of a Mom angry that her Prime shipment is taking 3 days to arrive.

A grand jury will meet three days a week for six months to consider possible crimes committed by the Trump Organization. They need six months because there are, like. a lot of crimes. The biggest amount of crimes you’ve ever seen.

Positive first-quarter results caused a 12% increase in shares of Dick’s Sporting Goods. Execs cited the waning effects of the pandemic as being all-around great news for Dick’s.

Kim Kardashian flunked the first-year law school students bar exam, or ‘baby bar’. She admits she does better on baby exams when she’s with a wealthy black guy.

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A new art installation will allow people to walk atop Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River. The artist calls it ‘Walk On Piles Of Bodies In The Schuylkill River’.

Hooters is opening a new, fast-casual ‘spinoff’ restaurant focused on chicken wings. They’re calling it Dumpers.

A woman was charged with a felony for failing to return a ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ VHS tape rented in her name 22 years ago. That woman’s name is Melissa Joan Hart.

Researchers say a sedentary lifestyle is the #`1 cause of Type 2 diabetes, narrowly edging out Popeye’s.

Elon Musk said “a bunch of people will probably die” during SpaceX missions to Mars, a quote that’s being called “not the best joke to open your Saturday Night Live monologue”.

Anderson Cooper shared a photo of his one-year-old son, Wyatt, watching him host Jeopardy!. Cooper doesn’t know if his son is gay, but Wyatt had a tantrum at not seeing Aaron Rodgers.

Powerlifter Chad Penson won the 2021 U.S. Open, becoming the first 198-pound man to squat 881 pounds. He took his place in the gold medal spot atop the podium, while his genitals dragged on the floor below.

Democrats introduced new legislation to lower the qualifying age for Medicare from 65 to 50. Critics say doing so would harm the workforce because more people would retire earlier from their terrible jobs at McDonald’s and Walmart.

Yahoo! released its rankings of fast-food chicken sandwiches, in an article that shocked Americans who didn’t know Yahoo! still existed.

A 71-year-old driver suffered minor head injuries when a turtle crashed through her windshield on Interstate 95 in Port Orange, Florida. No injuries were reported to reptile daredevil Turtel Knurtel, who plans another attempt to jump I-95 later this year.

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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.

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Kelly Clarkson claims her estranged husband Brandon Blackstock defrauded her out of millions, singing ‘Since you been gone, I’m missing a lot of money’.

TIME Magazine named Joe Biden & Kamala Harris ‘Person of the Year’, becoming the first national periodical to forget how to pluralize nouns.

Over 100 Republican members of Congress and 18 state Attorneys General joined Texas’ lawsuit to overturn the election. To support their case, they provided the court with Amicus Briefs, and sack after sack of their letters to Santa Claus.

On Monday, the Electoral College will convene to confirm Joe Biden’s presidential victory over Donald Trump; but first, they will convene Saturday night for the traditional Electoral Kegger.

Target recalled over 70,000 pairs of light-up children’s boots, because parts can present a choking hazard. Customers will receive a full refund, and a bonus tutorial video about keeping children from eating boots.

Online gaming service Steam reported a new record, with one million gamers simultaneously playing ‘Cyberpunk 2077’. Multiple cities reported power outages due to simultaneous microwaves reheating Totino’s pizza rolls.

Ellen Degeneres tested positive for COVID-19. Her annual Twelve Days of Giveaways now include gift cards, trips, televisions, high fever & difficulty breathing.

SpaceX plans to test another prototype of its Mars rocket, just days after their last test rocket exploded upon landing. In other news, 10 monkeys submitted their resignations to SpaceX.

Australia cancelled development of their own COVID-19 vaccine, after trial participants showed ‘false positive’ test results for HIV. “See, we TOLD you vaccines make you gay!” said the top story on Pat Robertson’s 700 Club.

Marvel Films will not recast Black Panther following the death of Chadwick Boseman – dealing another devastating blow to the acting comeback of Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones.

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Beyonce is partnering with Peloton on “various forms of fitness class curation” and “extra sturdy bicycle seats”.

Scooby-Doo co-creator Ken Spears passed away at age 82. No signs of foul play, but the gang is investigating the abandoned amusement park where his body was found just in case.

Donald Trump, Jr and girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle are reportedly interested in taking over the GOP National Committee from current Chair Ronna McDaniel. They’re disappointed that large GOP donors don’t want lap dances from her.

NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine – an appointee of Donald Trump – said he will step down once Biden takes office. Biden plans to accept the resignation and told Bridenstine “may the Space Force be with you”.

Spotify is acquiring podcast hosting company Megaphone. Megaphone hosts over 5,000 podcasts reaching about 4,000 listeners.

Researchers say injectable drug cabotegravir is most effective at preventing women from contracting HIV from an infected partner. So, one injection, then all the unprotected injections they want after that.

General Motors will reintroduce the Hummer as an all-electric vehicle, but will limit sales to prevent rolling blackouts while owners recharge them.

The Masters golf tournament will be played this week. It’s unique in that it’s happening in November, and the star attraction is a black dude who actually voted for Trump.

Twitter may limit ‘Likes’ for posts containing misinformation. But stolen jokes and memes will still rack ’em up.

Ulta will open hundreds of makeup & beauty shops in Target stores. Not to be outdone, Walmart will open its own in-store makeup and beauty shops from Spirit Halloween.

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Comcast & Walmart are reportedly teaming up to develop and sell smart TVs. Or, TVs, anyway.

Florida is in the path of Tropical Storm Eta. It wasn’t at first, but Eta is a pretty big Biden supporter.

‘Platonic co-parenting’ is on the rise. Websites such as Modamily match individuals who want to raise a child together, but without marriage or a sexual relationship. Modamily.com’s biggest competitor is Divorce.

Anthropologists contend the human species survived because natural selection favored ‘nicer’ humans versus more aggressive Neanderthals. But they admit Neanderthal sex was probably a lot more fun.

A crate of oranges sold for $9,600 in Japan. Which is even more amazing when you find out they weren’t purchased at Whole Foods.

Fossils of a duckbill dinosaur were found in Africa, leading scientists to believe the species crossed oceans to get there. But the same fossils were found floating in the ocean, leading scientists to believe a lot of them weren’t exactly great swimmers.

A Lubbock, Texas Walmart employee announced she was quitting over the store’s public address system, calling male coworkers “perverts” and her boss a “big lazy bitch”. Her rant was deemed NSFW-EAW* [*Except At Walmart]

Kate Beckinsale posted a photo wearing a bra reading “VOTE”. Vote, Bra is also the official Election Day slogan of online influencers.

The City of Denver repealed a ban on pit bulls, making it legal for residents to own the breed. A last ditch appeal to keep the ban in place was filed by a lawyer representing toddlers holding hot dogs.

Delaware elected Sarah McBride, its first-ever transgender woman to the state House of Representatives. McBride says she now identifies as a “career politician”.

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Yahoo released its first Yahoo-branded smartphone, called the Yahoo ‘How Do I Return This & Get an iPhone’ Phone.

Walmart is temporarily removing guns & ammo from displays to prevent violence in the event of ‘civil unrest’ — meaning election results, or someone shooting their way out of the store with a newly stolen Xbox or PS5.

New Zealand voters approved euthanasia, but rejected recreational marijuana, in two separate referendums – disappointing terminally ill residents wanting to be stoned to death.

A winning $3 million scratch-off lottery ticket was sold at a Rite Aid pharmacy outside of Philadelphia. The pharmacy then announced they’re out of OxyContin for the near future.

McRib is returning to McDonald’s restaurants nationwide for the first time since 2012. It arrives December 2nd, to give people enough time to rest up after post-election riots so they can fight for one.

Apple One subscription bundles are available today. It costs $14.95/month and includes Apple Music, Apple TV+, Apple Arcade, iCloud, and bring-your-own arrogance & entitlement.

Kylie Jenner and friends posted Halloween party photos dressed as the Power Rangers. “May the force be with you!” she captioned the pics.

Kanye West’s 40th birthday present to wife Kim Kardashian West was a talking hologram of her father Robert Kardashian, who died in 2003. “Kim I’m so proud of you. So, what’s your stepdad Bruce up to?” asked hologram Robert.

A California patient is the first recorded case of simultaneous flu and COVID-19 infection. “Yeah, me too!” said their co-worker calling in sick for the next two weeks.

Researchers discovered table salt can break down the outer layer of COVID-19. So be sure to put some salt in your bleach before ingesting it, said Doctor Donald.

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Amazon, Target & Walmart all kicked off big two-day sales. Amazon has Prime Day, Target has Deal Days, and Walmart has Dig Up That Coffee-Can Cash In The Yard Days.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said he “won’t walk away from” the COVID-19 outbreak no matter who the President is. Instead, he’ll fly to New Zealand.

Astra Zeneca and Johnson & Johnson both paused their COVID-19 vaccine trials because a participant became ill. Newly-immune Donald Trump volunteered to donate his plasma, but the patients said they don’t want herpes.

Employees of iconic Hollywood landmark Chateau Marmont say the hotel has a “toxic, drug-fueled culture”. Not surprisingly, guests rate Chateau Marmont as Los Angeles’ #1 Hotel for Toxic Drug-Fueled Stays on Trip Advisor.

Nikki Patterson of Scotland broke the Guinness Book Record for having the most tattoos of any musical artist, with 28 tattoos of Eminem. Remarkably, 27 of them are cover-ups of Vanilla Ice.

New York’s upscale sex club, Snctm, is planning a ‘Black-Death themed’ Halloween sex party. Space is limited to 30 guests on a first-served, first-come basis.

A 25-year-old Nevada man is now the first U.S. citizen confirmed to have contracted COVID-19 twice. He says the second bout was worse because of his underlying condition of eating at the Circus Circus buffet the day of his second positive test.

A new study claims coronavirus can survive for up to 28 days on paper money. “So?” said men who leave all their cash in pants pockets when they do laundry.

Delta Airlines reported a $5.4 billion quarterly loss due to the pandemic. So good luck getting them to give you that whole can of Diet Coke.

Flight attendants Kim Guillory, a black woman, and Sharon Tesler, a Jewish woman – both “over age 39” – are suing United Airlines, saying they aren’t picked for MLB & NFL charter flights because they’re not young and blond. United claims it’s not their age and race, it’s that football and baseball players don’t want to have sex with them.

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Three-Michelin-star restaurant The Restaurant at Meadowood burned down in California wildfires. On the plus side, it’s now easier than ever to get a table.

The CDC released guidelines for Thanksgiving celebrations. They recommend keeping gatherings small and throwing jellied cranberry sauce in the garbage where it belongs.

Shots were fired during a brawl at Reaper’s Realm haunted house attraction in North Carolina. Unfortunately the bullets were unable to stop the werewolf.

A hiker fell 100 feet to his death while posing for a photo on an Oregon trail. “That is a nice picture, though” said someone looking at a framed copy next to the casket.

Actor Jim Parsons told Jimmy Fallon he contracted COVID-19 in March, adding that he lost his sense of taste, because he spent his recovery watching ‘Two Broke Girls’.

Eric Trump told Fox & Friends that he’s “part of the LGBT” community. Asked to clarify, he said “T for Trump”.

Disney is cutting 28,000 jobs at theme parks due to reduced attendance. Disney is now an even smaller world.

Astronauts on the International Space Station have detected the source of an air leak that had been growing in size. NASA now plans to finish repairs once they can get the Flex Seal guy into space.

Walmart is redesigning stores to make it easier for visitors to find what they’re looking for. Each store will now have ten exits.

40,000 airline workers are expected to be furloughed. Airlines would like to start the layoff process by dismissing members of the Platinum Elite Employees Club.