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Wells Fargo Bank fired over a dozen employees for “simulation of keyboard activity” – using tools to move their mouse to pretend like they’re working. Meanwhile, Comcast/Xfinity gave 10-year anniversary plaques to dozens of call center employees for “simulation of customer service activity”.

Pro golfer Rory McIlroy issued a statement calling off his reported divorce from wife Erica Stoll. McIlroy is taking a marriage mulligan, and Stoll found her lost balls.

Jennifer Lopez called Ben Affleck – who she’s rumored to be divorcing – her “hero” on Father’s Day. Like many other superheroes, Affleck plans to disappear for weeks at a time and then return to Lopez only when she really needs it.

The former home of late comedian Richard Pryor – where he once suffered burns while freebasing cocaine – sold for $3.6 million. It was originally listed for $4.2 million but the current owner agreed to a fire sale.

Israel President Netanyahu dissolved the nation’s war cabinet after two officials quit, saying he has no long-term plan for Gaza. Netanyahu said he’ll have a great plan after he consults with the liquor cabinet.

Police in Bucks County, Pennsylvania opened a death investigation after being asked to do a welfare check on a resident. The welfare check report was listed as “not great”.

The Surgeon General wants a cigarette-style warning applied to social media platforms. Although some are saying it’s too late, and that kids are already trying both to look cool.

Kanye West’s former assistant – suing him for sexual harassment – claims he sent her a series of explicit texts, including one saying he took Viagra and had sex with an A-list Hollywood star for 3 hours. West defended the text, saying he needed to let the assistant know she should call 911 if his erection lasted four hours.

The Birmingham Stallions defeated the San Antonio Brahmas 25-0 in the United Football League’s inagural Championship Game before a paid attendance of 27, 396 fans – the largest crowd ever paid to watch a football game.

40% of Americans responding to a dating poll said they believed in ‘hypergamy’ – dating someone in a higher socioeconomic status to improve their own life. Hypergamy has two basic forms: Sugardaddamy and Sugarmommamy.

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The NFL released its 2024-25 regular season schedule, and announced that Netflix will have exclusive rights to air two Christmas Day games. Thanksgiving games will be split between AppleTV+, Hulu, and Disney+ just to see how pissed off football fans can get.

McDonald’s will reintroduce a $5 Value Meal, but will only make it available for a month, and will require a 7-day advance reservation in the dining room.

Uber announced they’ll offer group shuttle rides to shared destinations like airports, concerts & sporting events. Uber Shuttle drivers are looking forward to the opportunity to sexually harass dozens of passengers at once.

Due to shrinking space from beach erosion, North Wildwood, New Jersey has banned the use of beach tents. If couples want to make out without being seen, they’ll be directed by lifeguards to join the junkies and gays under the boardwalk.

Comcast is offering subscibers a Peacock/Netflix/AppleTV+ bundle called StreamSaver – it’s available to all customers who currently pay $150/month for cable tv.

Rumors are swirling that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are headed for divorce, as they’ve not been seen together in public for seven weeks, and Lopez has reportedly banned all Dunkin products from the backstage area of her upcoming tour.

The Mirage hotel in Las Vegas is closing. Families of Sigfried & Roy are being asked for the last time to come and get any tigers still hanging around.

Warren Buffett revealed the ‘mystery company’ that his Berkshire Hathaway corporation has invested over $6 billion dollars in – it’s insurance company Chubb. The announcement gave other investors in the stock a pretty big Chubb.

A Major League Soccer between New York City & the Philadelphia Union was delayed for over two minutes when raccoon ran on to the field. The raccoon was chased away, but asked by team officials to return any time it wants to help liven up soccer games.

Under Armour announced a wave of layoffs, saying they’re Over Staffed.

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A woman outed as a stalker who allegedly inspired Netflix hit ‘Baby Reindeer’ is threatening legal action against producers. Given her stalking success, she’s also threatening illegal action.

Surgeons installed a mechanical heart pump and a genetically-modified pig kidney in a woman during the same procedure. She also wanted a breast augmentation but doctors told her to get her priorities straight.

A former McDonald’s chef said he can’t believe people order Big Mac meals because they’re more expensive than Quarter Pounder meals and provide less meat. Customers who just finished their Big Mac meals also aren’t thrilled with their decision.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard said that before marrying Ryan Anderson in prison, she dreamed about reuniting with her ex, Ken Urker. She’s now divorced and dating Urker, making this her second dream-come-true after murdering her mother.

The Affordable Connectivity Program – a federal government program providing cheap Internet access to thousands, may shut down. Comcast/Xfinity said they’ll step up and offer cheap Internet, but only if it’s bundled with overpriced TV.

Sleep experts documented cases of sexsomnia, where people demand sex or pleasure themselves while sleeping, but have no memory of it the next day. This is different than sexamnesia, where people have conscious sex but forget about it because it was so bad.

A Pennsylvania priest was arrested after spending $40,000 of church money on smartphone games like Candy Crush, Pokemon Go & Mario Kart. His lawyer said he needed a way to stay busy after the Diocese made him delete Grindr.

Tesla received approval for full self-driving vehicles in China, with the Chinese government conceding it can’t make things much worse.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce visited Las Vegas with Patrick and Brittany Mahomes. They enjoyed dinner and cocktails, then placed individual bets on which couple would break up first.

ChatGPT is being criticized for overwhelmingly depicting financiers & CEOs as men, and secretaries as women. Critics say the women should be called administrative assistants.

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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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A new study finds high-school students who take a personal finance course realize a $100,000 wealth benefit later in life. Also, young couples who pay attention in health class realize a $300,000 lifetime benefit by not getting pregnant.

A University of Pennsylvania professor claims the word “because” is a ‘magic word’ that helps you influence people to do things. However, your spouse already knows this and it’s why they say “because I have a headache”.

The first Jordan-branded ‘World Of Flight’ Nike retail store in the U.S. will open in Philadelphia. When the store opens in spring it’ll host the first-ever Grand Looting Event.

Tourist attraction The John Wick Experience is opening in Las Vegas. Because apparently people can’t get enough of mass shootings.

NBA player Steph Curry defeated the WNBA’s Sabrina Ionescu in a 3-point shooting ‘Battle of the Sexes’ at the NBA All-Star Game. Other NBA players privately engaged in their own Battle of the Sexes over child support.

A man with a severe milk allergy is suing McDonald’s over a slice of cheese mistakenly placed on his Big Mac, which he claims almost killed him. Luckily he was in a McDonald’s where they’ve added lifeguards to the dining room.

Donald Trump called “indictment” the ‘N-word’ during a speech. “Indictment, please…” said Barack Obama.

Rumors are circulating that Paramount and Comcast may merge their Paramount + and Peacock streaming services. Details are scarce, but they’re reportedly stuck on whether to call it Peamount+ or Paracock.

NBA analyst Charles Barkley criticized the city of San Francisco, saying it’s full of “homeless crooks”, and adding that you can’t walk around the city unless you have a bulletproof vest, also known as a shooting guard.

The Daytona 500 was postponed one day due to rain. The race will take place today, officially kicking off Redneck New Year.

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Masturbation abstinence ‘nofap’ groups are growing in popularity online. Men say they’re a great way to regain control of your life, and to get awesome ‘please come back to Pornhub Premium’ discount offers.

Real estate website Zillow projects Buffalo, NY to be 2024’s “hottest housing market”, as Zillow experts tried, and failed, to find a better adjective to describe Buffalo home sales.

Rizo Lopez Foods is recalling multiple grocery-stores cheeses including Oaxaca, Blanco Suave, Ricotta & Panela for lethal listeria contamination, which has reportedly already taken the lives of exotic Mexican cheese-eating mice.

Toyota announced plans to build new 3-row, all-electric SUVs in Kentucky, then ship them to states where people know how to use electricity to charge them before they’re sold.

Squatters in Atlanta were arrested for occupying a home and running an illegal strip club in it. The house was eventually listed for sale with 3 bathrooms and 4 Champagne Rooms.

Actor/comedian Kumail Nanjiani said he sought therapy to deal with bad reviews of Marvel’s ‘The Eternals’, in which he co-starred. He got the name of the therapist from Brie Larson, who uses them after every ‘Captain Marvel’ movie appearance.

Kanye West said he’s having difficulty booking arena shows due to his antisemitic rants. But he’s also pretty revved up about his upcoming tour of Iraq, Iran & Syria.

ESPN, Fox Sports & Warner Discovery are teaming up to launch a new streaming service dedicated to sports. Cable companies Xfinity, Spectrum & Cox announced they’re launching a new streaming service dedicated to telling customers their Internet bill is going up.

Travis Kelce’s mom, Donna, revealed that ‘pricey’ multi-million-dollar Super Bowl suites may force her to sit in a ‘regular’ seat. Or, ideally, to just stay home, drink wine and watch the Puppy Bowl without having to hug Taylor Swift every 15 minutes.

For the second straight year, U.S. liquor sales outpaced sales of beer & wine. The spirits industry said sales remain strong because of vodka, tequila, and a surge in the number of healthy livers for transplant.

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Donald Trump spent $55 million of donor money on legal fees last year. His lawyers promised him a “large cash settlement” – which he got, but he has to pay it.

Trump said on Truth Social that he’s interviewing new lawyers to replace Alina Habba, who lost his defamation case and potentially cost him $83 million. Joining him in the interviews is wife Melania, who’s also looking for a lawyer, but won’t say why.

Bradley Cooper said watching co-star Vince Vaughn in ‘Wedding Crashers‘ changed his approach to acting because of Vaughn’s “willingness to fail”. Cooper’s comments appear in the new issue of Backhanded Compliments magazine.

Comcast agreed to stop using its ‘Xfinity 10G Network’ brand, after a ruling that it misleads consumers regarding Internet speeds. They will use 10G in other ways, like saying it costs a family 10G’s every couple years for cable,internet & phone service.

Netflix announced its full slate of tv shows coming in 2024, and, if they’re renewed, coming back in 2027.

Taylor Swift informed the NFL that she won’t make a cameo performance in Usher’s Super Bowl Halftime Show. Instead she’ll sit in a suite and be the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, & 4th quarter show.

A three-year-old toddler in Australia got stuck in a claw machine filled with stuffed animals and toys. Police arrived and broke the machine’s glass to free him, and arrested a man who’d unsuccessfully spent $200 trying to get the boy out.

The South Korean government urged citizens to stop eating deep-fried starchy toothpicks, since they’re concerned about food safety. Instead, they ask that South Koreans stick to eating cabbage that’s been fermented at room temperature for months.

February 1st marks the 20th Anniversary of ‘Nipplegate’, with Justin Timberlake exposing Janet Jackson’s breasts during the Super Bowl halftime show. Boobs did not reappear during Super Bowl halftime until 2011, when Black Eyed Peas showed up.

The Russian military has reportedly developed camouflage ‘invisibility cloaks’ capable of hiding soldiers at distances as close as 3 feet. They made the announcement after testing them in years-long games of Hide & Seek with Russian kindergartners.

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Merry Christmas! Thank you to loyal & occasional readers. Have a terrific holiday. cd

The wives of three Philadelphia Eagles players hosted an EaGals Christmas Party for team member’s wives and girlfriends. The Philadelphia 76ers tried, but too many fights broke out when six of the players had their wife & 3 of their girlfriends each show up.

President Joe Biden will issue pardons for certain marijuana offenses, and for a very small number of crack cocaine & prostitution offenses committed by friends of one of his kids.

Philadelphia Police are investigating two suspicious car fires in the city’s Roxborough section – saying it’s easier than investigating the 50 carjackings in the city’s other sections.

A paraplegic claims Delta Airlines let him crawl to his seat when boarding assistance personnel were unavailable. Spirit Airlines said they allow people crawling to their seats to preboard so they’ll have the most time to buy more drinks before takeoff.

The Food & Drug Administration said they seized thousands of counterfeit units of diabetes/weight loss drug Ozempic. In a related story, Dollar Tree said they’re closing their pharmacy counters until further notice.

Satellite radio provider Sirius XM is accused of trapping customers in subscriptions and making it impossible to cancel. It’s so bad, workers at Comcast/Xfinity call centers are dialing in to learn a few new tricks.

A woman arrested for attempting to have her husband murdered in the Bahamas was allowed to go back to the United States for Christmas to visit her children. She has to stay 100 yards from her husband, and not even think about giving him the fruitcake she made.

Tinder is offering $499/month Tinder Select memberships to a limited number of “most sought after” users. In other news, two teen boys who stole their dad’s credit card are busy catching up on all the nude pics they’re getting.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram video showing the charred remains of her home gym following a house fire she started in 2020, when she fired her trainer for telling her to ‘feel the burn’.

A married couple drove an electric car 18,000 miles in an historic journey from the North Pole to the South Pole to raise awareness for climate change and use of electric vehicles. They’re currently looking for divorce lawyers at the South Pole.

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Mercedes-Benz added turquoise blue lights to their cars to indicate when they’re in self-driving mode. Several German pedestrians remain in critical condition from hit & run accidents after being struck by vehicles they describe as having turquoise blue lights.

Philadelphia Police Academy graduated 31 new cadets to join the force. They each received a reloadable handgun and a reloadable Dunkin gift card.

A judge ruled that a list naming 180 of Jeffrey Epstein’s associates will be revealed as part of a settled lawsuit. Bill Clinton and Donald Trump already asked the judge if the female associates on the list come with phone numbers.

Portland International Airport debuted therapy llamas to calm passengers before their flights during the busy holiday season. Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines debuted wolverines at their departure gates to get passengers worked up for entertaining in-flight fights.

The “humblest Christmas tree in the world” – a 31-inch artificial tree dating back to the 1920s – sold at auction for over $4,000. The buyer and their spouse then fought for three hours over decorating it with colored or white lights.

New York Giants third-string quarterback Tommy DeVito appeared for free to sign autographs at a New Jersey pizzeria, after his original appearance was cancelled when his agent doubled his fee to $20,000. DeVito spent time with the owner, and filled out an application to deliver pizzas once the Giants other QBs get healthy.

Comcast/Xfinity revealed a data breach resulting in hackers stealing personal information of over 36 million customers. Comcast then notified customers of a ten percent price increase on cable tv & broadband to pay for security upgrades.

Sag Harbor, New York fired the man hired to portray Santa Claus at a village holiday celebration because he’d challenged Jewish speakers at a public forum discussing the Israel/Hamas war. Sag Harbor children just want the release of toys currently held captive at the North Pole.

Minnesota redesigned its state flag. Critics say the old flag, showing a Native American on horseback, depicted the state’s wrongful displacement of indigenous people. The new flag more respectfully shows a Native American pit boss supervising a casino.

China’s Guangdong Paper Company announced a new bonus plan, where they pay workers an annual bonus equal to a month’s salary if they walk or run 31 miles per month. The workers say it’s a novel way to stay fit, and they appreciate the extra five bucks.

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You Tube’r Gabbie Hanna is being called ‘tone deaf’ for a video where she tells her 7 million followers that they can overcome depression with hobbies like jet skiing. In other news, a dozen teenagers are missing after renting jet skis and never returning.

New Jersey is just days away from instituting a plastic bag & foam container ban. Crackheads will either need to bring their own bag, or carry their purchase in a body cavity of choice.

Comcast/Xfinity & Charter/Spectrum – the U.S.’ two biggest cable tv providers – are teaming up to manufacture & distribute streaming video devices & smart TVs to compete with Roku, Google & Amazon. They say their analysis determined that the streaming hardware space was lacking “terrible customer service”.

Harvard University released a detailed report of its involvement in the U.S. slave trade, including faculty and staff that owned slaves. Harvard said they couldn’t have finished it without the exhaustive research provided by unpaid interns.

Akihiko Kondo, a Japanese man who married a hologram of a 16-year-old girl and identifies as “fictosexual”, said he can’t speak to her anymore because her software is broken. He worries he may never know the results of her pregnancy test.

An 11-year-old Filipino boy was able to survive a landslide by taking refuge in a refrigerator – an ordeal he described as ‘chilling’.

Vice President Kamala Harris is isolating after a positive COVID test. She’s being told to stay away from President Biden – which is on her to-do list every day, anyway.

Warner Brothers Pictures released the first images of actress Margot Robbie in the upcoming film ‘Barbie’. Robbie’s hair & makeup are minimal, but it takes two hours each day to put molded plastic over her crotch with a Mattel trademark.

China reported the first human infection of H3N8 bird flu. Health officials said H3N8 was the order number on the guy’s receipt at KFC.

Firefighters in Washington state were called to rescue a woman who fell into an outhouse toilet trying to retrieve her dropped cell phone. She was hosed down at the scene but was still refused service later that day at the Genius Bar.