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Police in Utah went to the sidewalk drink stand of an 11-year-old with a sign reading ‘ICE COLD BEER’ and found he was cleverly selling root beer. The cops bought a bottle, then set up a highly successful DUI checkpoint for other arriving drivers.

Reports claim the Philadelphia Police Department will terminate as many as 13 officers for racist and sexist social media posts, and promote others for their super-cute cat and dog pictures.

Dominican Republic’s Ministry of Tourism announced new steps to curb fears following reports of sickness and death from tourists. They include posting medical contact information in hotel rooms, and clearly labeling the percentage of antifreeze and gasoline in mini-bar liquor bottles.

The Smithsonian placed Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit on display to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. They’d raised over $750,000 in a Kickstarter to preserve the suit, and to get the mustard and Tang stains out of it.

Game developer Niantic is changing the battle mode of its massively popular title Pokemon Go. Instead of players tapping the screen during charged Pokemon battles, they’ll now throw their smartphone at opponents.

Airline KLM India apologized for a tweet using flawed data to say passengers seated in the rear of the aircraft had the greatest chance of surviving a crash. They admitted considering using the data to charge nervous flyers $75 more for those terrible seats.

A 7-foot shark was found growing around a plastic ring. “Cool ring” said other sharks.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is no longer the second-richest person alive, but, depending on his luck, could potentially be the richest person dead.

A new study finds Google and Facebook are tracking individuals’ browsing activity at porn websites even in Private/Incognito mode. Horrified Facebook users found out when their comments were labeled ‘Pornhub Top Fan’.

Tru Kids Brands announced it’s reopening Toys R Us stores in time for Christmas holiday shopping.  Small children are being advised to spend the time between now and November practicing their tantrums and meltdowns.

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Police in Tennessee are warning residents not to flush drugs down the toilet, since the drugs flow to sewer treatment ponds populated by alligators & ducks, creating highly aggressive “methgators” – and “heroinducks” that nod off and drown.

  • Engineers are working to solve the problem by rerouting Tennessee’s flushed illegal drugs from local sewage treatment plants, to water parks in West Virginia to meet that state’s demand.

Amidst a record dry spell, France is restricting water use, frustrating French citizens who wanted to take their annual shower in July.

A Florida man who ran a red light and slammed into a car carrying teenagers confronted good samaritans with a taser when they attempted to help the teens. Asked why he used a taser, the man said he forgot his gun.

A massive fire at a Jim Beam distillery in Kentucky on July 2nd leached alcohol into the Ohio River, killing fish, and getting others so drunk they called for rides rather than swim home.

An elderly man flying from Bogota, Colombia to Barcelona, Spain was arrested for smuggling 500 grams of cocaine under his toupee. Customs officials grew suspicious watching several hot women ask to smell his hair.

The annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona ended on Sunday with three men gored by a single bull. The bull expressed disappointment that he couldn’t gore one more runner to hit for the cycle.

Nestle is introducing a new KitKat bar without any added sugar. “Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that KitKat bar and give it to someone else!”..says the catchy jingle.

This year’s Consumer Electronics Show – held every January in Las Vegas – will, for the first time, officially sanction the display of vibrators and sex toys. Before this year, to see sex toys and vibrators, attendees had to go anywhere else in Las Vegas.

Due to the current heat wave, City of Philadelphia public swimming pools will operate on a ‘Free Swim’ schedule — meaning planned activities will be cancelled so that everyone will be free to urinate in the pools.

Uber plans to introduce “flying taxis” in Los Angeles and Dallas by 2023.  Due to the company’s history of creepy drivers harassing women, female passengers will be encouraged to bring their own parachutes.

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Disney World’s Epcot Center issued a rabies alert for a feral cat on the property, last seen trying to hunt down and bite the head off of Minnie Mouse.

  • Asked to describe the cat, officials called it “bored, like everyone else at Epcot.”

Oceanographers discovered a jellyfish the size of a human. If it stings you, everyone at the beach has to urinate on the wound for you to survive.

Four Australian children, aged 10 to 14, stole a car and went on a 600-mile joyride. It ended in a fistfight when they grew tired of asking each other if they were there yet.

Britain’s Royal Family attended the U.K. premiere of Disney’s new adaptation of ‘The Lion King’, then bowed and curtsied before Beyoncé who knighted them “Kinda Cool for White People”.

A new study found the Fitbit Surge had the most accurate calorie-burning measurement of fitness trackers, with a 25% error rate. Other devices had higher error rates, up to 93%, because their owners took them off and bashed them with a hammer.

A 30-year-old Northeast Philadelphia woman was arrested for DUI on the Jersey Shore, then bit the arresting officer on the leg. The cop accepted blame for leaving a slice of pizza in his lap.

Hundreds of large land crabs invaded Florida neighborhoods near Port St. Lucie following heavy rains. Residents called animal control to say they had crabs, and animal control referred them to their doctor.

A 58-year-old man in Los Angeles’ richest neighborhood of Bel-Air was arrested for possessing over 1,000 firearms. Cops didn’t believe his explanation that he was Joe Wick, John’s brother.

After an undercover visit to view Disneyland working conditions, Disney heiress Abigail Disney slammed the company for low worker pay, with some telling her they have to forage through garbage for food. “Yeah, but it’s kinda fun” said Pluto.

IKEA is shutting down its only U.S. factory in Danville, Virginia. Workers were informed with a four-panel instructional drawing showing them picking up their final check and driving home.

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Starbucks will stop selling newspapers, leaving its many homeless visitors wondering what they’ll read in the bathroom.

Cable network TLC will show wedding tapes of the late John F. Kennedy, Jr and wife Carolyn. They had instructed the tapes be kept secret so no one would see them doing the Macarena and Electric Slide.

A massive electrical blackout hit New York City on Saturday night. Utilities were slow to respond since the outage went undetected thanks to thousands of flash selfies lighting up Times Square.

A Siberian lake, popular for scenic photos from swimsuit-clad Instagram influencers, is filled with toxic waste. Asked how much toxic waste was in the lake, a Russian environmentalist said “more than on all of Instagram.”

Monday and Tuesday marked Amazon Prime Day, a newly-created holiday to remember Amazon distribution center employees who died from overwork on the job.

Womens apparel store Charming Charlie is going out of business. “It’s not you, it’s me.” said Charlie.

UFC fighter Ricky Simón postponed his honeymoon for the opportunity to take on UFC Hall of Famer Urijah Faber, who then KO’d Simón in 46 seconds. Simón then moved on to his wedding night, where he lasted 45 seconds.

More than 540,000 people signed up for a mid-September Facebook event to storm Area 51. An equal number said they were Interested, and another half-million felt obliged to write what their kids were doing that prevented them from attending.

Lamar Odom was cut from Ice Cube’s 3-on-3 BIG3 basketball league. Odom said he was disappointed in the way it was handled, but excited about his upcoming tryout with the Washington Generals.

Following singer R Kelly’s arrest, his girlfriends were kicked out of his residence at Trump Tower Chicago. The Trump Organization pointed to a contract that stating they’re fine providing housing for sex criminals, just not broke-ass ones.

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Police in Ontario, Canada pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was using a 30-can case of beer as a booster seat for his 2-year-old child riding on the passenger side. A proper child seat was given to the man, along with a sippy cup for the beer.

A Philadelphia man stopped his robbery of a 1 Stop Smoke Shop because the $200 the manager gave him wasn’t enough money for his daughter’s kidney transplant. Cops are searching for the man, and a GoFundMe was started to give him Uber rides to stores with more cash to steal.

U.S. Labor Secretary Alex Acossta resigned following criticism of the Florida plea-deal he’d made to billionaire child sex predator Jeffrey Epstein. Acosta’s plans are not known, but it’s assumed he’ll return to practicing law, poorly.

Droughts in Europe are creating a shortage of truffles – and a surplus of bored pigs trained to sniff them out.

A 140-foot superyacht that can be controlled with an iPad is up for sale for $15,000,400. It’s $15 million for the yacht, and $400 to replace the iPad the seller dropped overboard.

Denise Nickerson, who, as a child, portrayed Violet Beauregarde in ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ died at age 62. Her family removed her from life support following extended stroke complications, then she kicked the Charlie Bucket.

R&B singer R. Kelly was formally charged with racketeering and the sexual exploitation of at least five women. Kelly’s team dispatched a private plane to Washington, D.C. to convince unemployed former Labor Secretary Alex Acosta to lead the prosecution.

CNN will host a live lottery to determine which Democratic presidential candidates appear on stage together in debates airing July 30 & 31. Joe Biden’s team is working on a blockbuster deal to swap picks so he doesn’t have to see Kamala Harris.

Hasbro will not film a sequel to the 2017 ‘Power Rangers’ movie, and will reboot the franchise again. They’re seeking new actors of color to portray different-colored heroes.

Samuel L. Jackson has been cast in Chris Rock’s reboot of the ‘Saw’ franchise, rumored to be portaying ‘Motherf*ckin Jigsaw’.

 

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Amazon will spend $700 million retraining a third of its workforce by 2025 – retraining them to work somewhere else when they’re replaced by a robot.

A Japanese hotel built a lifesize Boeing 737 flight simulator into one of its rooms. To operate it, you have to rent the hotel room, and then prove that you’re drunk.

Privacy advocates are concerned by reports that Google has humans listening to, and transcribing, questions asked to Google Assistant. For their part, the humans are bored typing “Hey Google, how late is Wendy’s open?” thousands of times.

Video captured off the South Carolina coast by the NOAA Ocean Exploration & Research team shows a large, bony, wreckfish swallowing a shark whole. The video continues with the wreckfish swimming to a Charleston Walgreen’s for antacid.

The group One Million Moms is calling for a boycott of Toy Story 4 over a scene where a lesbian couple is dropping off their child at school, saying it’s a subtle nod to LGBT normalcy. However, Woody & Buzz thought it was kinda hot.

The CDC declared West Virginia the Most Obese U.S. State, with 38% of residents considered obese, and the other 62% thinner, but mostly because of opioids.

A Tucson, Arizona driver was charged with DUI after his car crossed the median and slammed into a giant saguaro cactus, which went through the windshield. He refused a breathalyzer, so the cops just held it up to the many holes in his face.

Clay County, Missouri police tweeted that they’d apprehended a fugitive suspect wanted for drug possession when he loudly farted while hiding, giving up his location. The cops then assumed he was armed and fired 30 rounds at him.

Nicole Kidman posted on Instagram that she’d gotten a dog for the first time in her life. The dog described her as “pretty stuck-up”.

President Trump spoke about kidney health, saying “kidneys have a special place in the heart” – leading Americans to wonder how he survives without either.

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U.S. Attorneys discovered photos and images on discs, believed to be of underage girls, at the home of billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. They thanked an elite tactical team of junior high boys enlisted for the search, highly skilled in finding porn hidden in anyone’s house.

For just the second time, a woman has given birth after receiving a uterus transplanted from a deceased donor. The donor remains anonymous, but was described as “almost frigid”.

Mini Cooper debuted its first fully electric vehicle. It can travel up to 180 miles carrying four environmentally-conscious lesbians.

A 13-year-old Canadian scientist has proven that decibel levels of restroom hand dryers are harmful to children’s hearing – as are the general decibel levels following Taco Tuesday in the school cafeteria.

Facebook published its 2019 diversity report, saying that it’s looking to expand the number of women and minority employees from current levels, to “some”.

The World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s National Soccer team was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York on Thursday, which started “when we’re ready, OKAY?!” said the women.

Golfer John Daly was refused the use of a riding golf cart by the Open Championship in Ireland. Daly dropped out of the tournament and started looking for an Irish Hooters parking lot where he could sign autographs.

Twitter announced new rules banning hate speech based on religion, as part of its commitment to a culture of trust, safety and respect which will never exist.

Disney is recalling its Toy Story 4 “Forky” plush toy because its plastic eyes could detach and cause a choking hazard. They advise taking the toy from children, then watching as the rest of your child’s toys risk their lives trying to get it back.

Shadow Cabaret strip club will host a charity golf tournament at Trump Doral in Florida featuring strippers as ‘caddy girls’ – raising questions about why the Trump organization would host the event, and bigger questions about why the President isn’t playing in it.

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Founder Elon Musk said Tesla will “most likely” begin upgrading older vehicles with new computer chips – so that a speedier processor can drive your car into the back of a tractor-trailer while you sleep behind the wheel.

Eye drops sold at Walmart and Walgreens are being recalled because they’re not sterile. Customers are advised to return the drops for a full refund if they ever get their vision back.

Vice President Mike Pence will visit immigrants at the southern border. “Looks okay to me” said Pence, standing at the southern border where Indiana becomes Kentucky.

Washington, D.C. was hit by flash flooding, stranding drivers and flooding the White House basement. “Quick, get the tanks!” said a local idiot.

A couple sued an in-vitro fertility clinic for impregnating a woman with the wrong embryo.  The CHA Fertility Clinic was also cited for keeping inadequate records, storing eggs only as Jumbo, Extra Large & Large.

The 7.1 magnitude California earthquake created massive cracks in the Earth near Ridgecrest, visible from outer space. It’s now the second-biggest series of cracks in California, second only to the Kardashian compound in Calabasas.

A Florida high school principal was reassigned after writing that he couldn’t say the Holocaust was a ‘factual, historical event’. His school will also stop using the history textbook he wrote: ‘World War II – A Good Time Had By All’.

Philadelphia historians reenacted the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence on July 8th, 1776. Tourists reenacted the audience that day – walking out to find something a lot less boring to do.

The World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s National Soccer team arrived back home in Newark, New Jersey. “Newark? I thought we won?” said players.

Over 6,000 people each year are treated for lacerations & puncture wounds from hard plastic ‘clamshell’ packaging. Customers are advised to open it with sharp scissors to create cuts on your hands that are more uniform and easily stitched.

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Wildlife officials in the U.K. rescued what they thought was an exotic bird, that turned out to be a seagull covered in curry powder. They treated the bird, and stopped eating chicken tikka masala at a nearby Indian food buffet.

An artist unveiled a wooden statue of Melania Trump in her native Slovenia. Insiders say the President is frustrated by his inability to unveil the wooden statue living with him in the White House for the last two years.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup. President Trump said the women should be paid equally to the men, but then went ahead and ordered value meals for their visit instead of full-price Big Macs and Whoppers.

Martin Charnin, lyricist & writer of the Broadway smash Annie, died at age 84 following a hard knock – a heart attack.

Amazon is selling a 292-square-foot tiny house for $18,800. It takes 2-3 days to build and 2-3 friends to help you steal it off of the porch of someone who ordered it.

On a cruise bound for South Korea from Vladivostok, Russia, a man hallucinating & high on drugs burst into a married couple’s cabin and was arrested after a shoving match. It was all part of the maiden voyage of the new Carnival Angel Dust ship.

On his family’s first night living at their new home, a Virginia dad fired 39 warning shots and brawled with a naked woman who called herself “the devil” after she broke in on July 4th night. The woman was subsequently fired by Welcome Wagon.

ICE used facial recognition to scan state driver’s license databases without individual consent, angering civil rights activists and illegal immigrants who hate the way their face looks in those pictures.

The Cincinnati Reds wore ‘throwback’ 1956-era sleeveless jerseys – baring their arms – for a game against the Cleveland Indians that the Reds lost, 11-1. Sun’s out, empty guns out.

15-year-old American tennis phenom Cori Gauff’s run at Wimbledon ended with Round-of-16 defeat to 7th seed Simona Halep, as Coco went cold.

 

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Disney named Halle Bailey, a black actress, to play the lead role of Ariel in the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid. Racists are demanding the scales be balanced with Sebastian the Crab portrayed by Larry the Cable Guy.

Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp experienced outages on Wednesday. Opportunists seized on it to claim they never got the event invite to boring July 4th barbecues.

Joey Chestnut won his 12th Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship – and with it, surpassed the FDA’s recommended lifetime allowance of sodium 50 times over.

President Trump’s July 4th speech included factual errors about Americans taking over “airports” in 1776, and when the Star-Spangled Banner was written. Though Trump clearly doesn’t know history, the world hopes they’re spared his having to repeat it.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck California on July 4th, centered 150 miles northeast of Los Angeles. President Trump accused liberal Hollywood of stealing attention from his Salute To America in Washington, D.C.

Japan resumed commercial whaling. Asked what they would do with their catch, Japanese whalers replied “probably something gross.”

Witnesses near St. Petersburg, Florida watched 10 alligators drag a “badly decomposed” human body into Lake Maggiore – kicking off the grand opening of Florida’s newest Old Country Alligator Buffet.

A passenger on Columbian airline Viva Air arrived 30 minutes after boarding closed for her flight from Medellin to Bogota, leading her to angrily smash a gate agent’s laptop. She was arrested and later booked on a different flight to smuggle drugs.

Market researcher TrendForce states 65-inch TVs are the most popular choice in North American households, and 27-inch TVs are the most popular ones sitting by curbs with “FREE!” signs on them.

According to the Labor Department, job creation bounced back in June, reflecting the return of Marvel superheroes brought back to life in Avengers: Endgame.