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Reddit introduced comment searching, making it quicker to find your favorite examples of racism, sexism & right-wing extremism.

Cardi B & husband Offset revealed the name of their newborn son, Wave. They also shared the baby’s first photos – Wave to the camera.

Ramiro Alanis of Florida saw ‘Spider Man: No Way Home’ in theatres 292 times between December, 2021 and March, 2022, breaking the world record for single viewings of a film. Alanis spent $3,400 on tickets, and $43,000 removing a popcorn blockage in his colon.

Bird experts advise temporarily taking down bird feeders and bird baths to slow the spread of Bird Flu. They also say you shouldn’t put Nyquil in hummingbird feeders.

200 birds died of Bird Flu at a Chicago-area forest preserve. Officials say this is the first time they’ve seen this many dead creatures in Chicago without bullet holes.

The United States and United Kingdom are each investigating mysterious cases of hepatitis in children as early as 1-year-old. They say finding the root cause is challenging because they’re too young to have eaten at Taco Bell.

A$AP Rocky is denying rumors that he cheated on, and split from, pregnant partner Rihanna. He said the press obviously has him confused with his cousin A$AP Horny.

A Chinese race car driver on a frozen lake drifted for 3.87 miles, breaking the world record for longest continuous drift. Meanwhile, in a spring snowstorm in Winnipeg, Canada, a different Chinese driver drifted for three blocks and broke the world record for hitting parked cars.

High end kitchenware retailer Sur La Table launched their first-ever furniture line, Sur La Overpriced Chairs.

An Elizabeth, New Jersey man was arrested and charged for running over a woman several times with his SUV. An official with the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles called it “the worst driver’s test parallel parking I’ve ever seen”.

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Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro faces questioning after the discovery of Brazil’s military purchasing over 35,000 Viagra pills and three silicone penile implants. The questions would be directed to the three highest-ranking generals, but Bolsonaro said they’ve all been pretty busy. [Story h/t to J.H.!]

New York City subway shooting suspect Frank James was apprehended, but is alleged to have called the Crime Stoppers hotline to tell police he’d be near a McDonald’s in the city’s East Village. Cops surrounded James after finishing their McFlurries.

President Biden committed $800 million in military weapons & aid to Ukraine. Although, thanks to inflation, the price went up to $900 million the next day.

The U.S. Government announced new ways they’re helping households ease the burden of medical debt, including better disclosures, debt forgiveness, and the approval of the first-ever At-Home, Do It Yourself Boob Job.

Georgia Representative & inveterate dipshit Marjorie Taylor Greene said in an interview that joining the U.S. military is like “throwing your life away”. Greene defended her right to make such comments, having served 10 years in CrossFit.

Amazon is rebranding its free, ad-supported streaming video service from IMDB TV to Amazon FreeVee. They say the programming is so good, they’ll send you a bottle to urinate in because you won’t want to leave your chair.

Alabama legislators passed a record high education budget of $8.3 billion, including more money for school supplies and pay raises of 21% for some teachers. Teachers can qualify for even bigger raises if they have a 6th Grade diploma.

A 9-year-old girl waiting to see the Easter Bunny at a California mall was shot by a store owner chasing a shoplifter. The girl is expected to recover, and the Easter Bunny is now concealed-carry packing.

East coast convenience store chain Wawa is giving away free coffee all day Thursday in honor of their 56th anniversary. Doctors specializing in gastrointestinal illness are no longer accepting Friday appointments.

In the premiere episode of Hulu’s The Kardashians, Kim worries that a new sex tape may emerge from ex-boyfriend Ray J, asking “What if I was f***ing sleeping and he stuck a dildo up my ass?” Viewers were shocked to learn that Kim is an incredibly deep sleeper.

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A woman glued her hand to the floor of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball court during a game against the LA Clippers, to protest Wolves owner Glen Taylor’s treatment of chickens on his egg farms. The woman is less concerned about the treatment of horses used to make the glue.

Ryan Fischer, the man shot while walking Lady Gaga’s dogs, is concerned that the shooter was mistakenly released from jail due to a clerical error. He’s no longer walking the dogs, because they somehow managed to buy guns to defend themselves.

MSNBC announced Rachel Maddow’s show will only air on Mondays instead of every weeknight. Lesbian Democrats are disappointed, but happy that they just freed up four hours a week on their DVRs.

Gilbert Gottfried died, and edged past Norm Macdonald on Twitter posters’ list of Greatest Comedians Ever.

Ronald Reagan’s assassin John Hinckley sold out an upcoming concert this July in Brooklyn. He already considers himself more successful giving music a shot.

A manhunt is underway for Frank James, a person of interest in the New York subway shooting. Police are baffled since James rented a U-Haul in Philadelphia and managed to get out of that city without getting truckjacked.

Texas sent its first busload of immigrants to Washington D.C. Texas Governor Greg Abbott then fired his assistant after finding out she bought them all roundtrip tickets.

Following the ejection of first base coach Antoan Richardson, the San Francisco Giants replaced her with assistant coatch Alyssa Nakken, making her the first woman to coach on-field in an MLB game. The game went on for a while, because every signal she gave came with a ten-minute story.

Los Angeles gangs are responsible for a rash of recent violent crimes targeting the rich and famous in affluent neighborhoods. It’s so bad, MS-13 is now MS-90210.

A 5-foot by 6-foot stone slab was discovered during renovations at Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, etched with grafitti left over the course of centuries. Translators determined the etchings were mostly “names and addresses of cute teenage boys”.

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Britney Spears announced she’s pregnant with fiance Sam Asghari’s baby. But just in case, Kevin Federline petitioned for an increase in child support payments.

Etsy sellers are on strike to protest an increase in transaction fees. Sellers say the fee increase makes them feel almost as disappointed as someone receiving a gift bought on Etsy.

Following the planned closing of a K Mart in Avenel, New Jersey, just three K Marts will remain open in the United States. However, Steven Seagal will be appearing at the Grand Opening of the newest K Mart at the Kremlin.

Security for founder Mark Zuckerberg cost Facebook parent company Meta $27 million in 2021. $1 million for bodyguards, and $26 million for office workers to figure out his Facebook privacy settings.

A Belgian couple with 12 children named all of them with only the letters L, X, A & E. Names include Alex, Axel, Leax, Xela, etc. Then the woman got accidentally pregnant with a 13th child who they’ll name Floyd.

Elon Musk advocated turning all, or part, of Twitter’s headquarters into a homeless shelter since most employees are working from home. He’s not sure how big to make it, but he’ll start by housing 280 characters.

A self-driving electric taxi was pulled over by San Francisco police for operating without its lights on. The car then removed a Fleshlight from the glove compartment and asked if the cop really needed to write a ticket.

Google released the 100th Version of its Chrome Internet browser – then released the 101st version ten minutes later after a security breach in Version 100 .

In Cornville, Arizona, a javelina jumped into an open Subaru hatchback to eat a bag of Cheetos, became trapped, and knocked the shifter into neutral, causing it to roll away. A sheriff’s deputy opened the door, allowing the javelina to escape before later dying from eating Cheetos.

The Biden Administration will remove delinquency status from millions of student loan borrowers, making them ‘current’ and improving their credit scores, so they’ll soon be eligible to default on auto and home loans.

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A New York City Housing Authority official was caught on video having sex with an unidentified woman during a Housing Authority Zoom meeting. The official was suspended; the woman had her rent waived for the month.

Rapper T.I. – who’s now performing stand-up comedy – was booed off the stage at the April Fools Comedy Jam at Brooklyn’s Barclays Center, just days after he ripped the wig off fellow comedian Lauren Knight during an argument at an open mic in Atlanta. Comedy club owners around the country consider T.I. “ready to headline”.

The Biden Administration and the Department of Justice are expected to crack down on untraceable, home-assembled firearms called ‘ghost guns’. Or, as referred to by lead DOJ Attorney Shaggy: “g-g-g-g-g -GHOST GUNS!!”

Donald Trump endorsed former tv quack Dr. Mehmet Oz for the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Pennsylvania. In turn, Oz looked at Trump’s physique and endorsed him for Mr. Universe.

Rapper Goonew – killed in a recent robbery – was memorialized at a D.C. nightclub with his embalmed corpse standing and leaning against a wall overlooking the dance floor. Mourners said he didn’t exactly look Goo-as-new.

Apple began manufacturing iPhone 13 in India – with students looking for activities during Spring Break.

Tish Cyrus filed for divorce from husband Billy Ray Cyrus. This is the third time their emotional achy has caused one of them to file for marital breaky.

Khloe Kardashian threw a huge, cat-themed 4th birthday party for her daughter, True. Baby daddy Tristan Thompson was interested in attending, since he heard that there was pussy everywhere.

Neurotic persons – those who encounter stress and behave with anger, self-consciousness & anxiety – are more likely to develop cognitive impairments later in life. On the bright side, that means they’ll forget how stressed-out and anxious they are.

Police arrested a Chicago-area man for burying his mother & sister in plastic containers in the backyard and cashing their Social Security checks. The man was jailed, and is no longer a Tupperware salesperson.

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The City of Philadelphia says applications for gun permits increased 539% from 2020 to 2021. They say the only thing more impressive than the volume increase is the penmanship of the 10-year-olds filling out the applications.

Tiger Woods was caught on a hot mic muttering ‘f*ck off’ as his shot on the 9th hole at The Masters failed to stay on the green. Later he was caught muttering “f*ck on?” during a brief phone conversation with a hostess at a nearby Outback Steakhouse.

The United Nations voted to remove Russia from the Human Rights Council, but Russia gets first pick of countries to join the new Human Rights Violations Council.

Today’s SpaceX launch is the first to send tourists to the International Space Station. Exact pricing is not disclosed, but each passenger paid in the “tens of millions” – not counting the $750,000 t-shirts from the Space Station gift shop.

A DHL cargo jet broke in half while making an emergency landing at a Costa Rica airport. Following an FAA investigation and work from local welders, Spirit Airlines Cargo will make its maiden voyage from Costa Rica.

Tesla Motors will begin selling its all-electric Cybertruck next year. They’d planned to launch this year, but could not reach an agreement with Bob Seger, Toby Keith or John Mellencamp for music to use in the commercials.

Google Meet implemented a feature that will end a video call if no one else shows up after five minutes. They call it Google Ghosted.

Pink Floyd reunited for the first time in 28 years to release a song protesting the Ukraine invasion: ‘Hey Hey Rise Up‘. The B-side is a song about Vladimir Putin’s conscience called ‘Uncomfortably Numb‘.

April 8th is Dog Farting Awareness Day, started by dog lovers to highlight the ways a dog’s flatulence provides insight to their health. Dogs are using the day to highlight human’s wrongful habit of blaming their flatulence on nearby dogs.

Chris Brown announced the birth of a baby girl with Instagram model Diamond Brown. Chris said that, as a mom, Diamond is hard to beat.

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Customers are suing Burger King, claiming the meat in their Whopper isn’t as big as it appears in promotional photos. The customers say they got the idea from people lodging similar complaints on Grindr.

For a single day last week, wind turbines provided more electricity than coal & nuclear power combined in the United States. Unfortunately, thousands of the homes powered by the turbines were destroyed in the tornados.

In a new poll, 63% of Americans say Russian President Vladimir Putin “cannot remain in power”. In the same poll, 100% of Americans say they “don’t plan on doing anything about it”.

15-year-old Anna Leigh Waters is the youngest Pickleball champion in the U.S., having won five doubles titles with her mother, and splitting $25 in prize money.

The United States expanded sanctions against Russia, freezing the assets of Vladimir Putin’s two daughters. “Buddy, why didn’t you tell me you had daughters?” asked Donald Trump.

Cracker Jack will begin selling Cracker Jill. There are no nuts, and Jill keeps asking to exchange the prize in them.

Parents unplugged the Ring security camera in their 3-year-old boy’s bedroom after he claimed a voice from it asked him if he wants ice cream. Before being unplugged, the voice said it owed the kid ice cream because he danced naked like he’d been asked to.

April 7th is both National Burrito Day and National Beer Day. April 8th is unofficially National Sexual Abstinence Day, which officially starts after dinner on April 7th.

Google now lets users combine text and images when conducting online searches. So far, the top search query is clothed photos with the text ‘do you have this, only naked?’

Kenan Thompson and his wife are divorcing, but are not commenting about What’s Up With That?

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The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

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Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.

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A Philadelphia day care was robbed. Police describe the suspects as wearing “Stick ‘Em Up” Pull-Ups.

Louis C.K. won Best Comedy Album at the Grammys. Several women backstage couldn’t believe he pulled it off!

Coca-Cola is launching Coca-Cola Byte, a limited edition flavor that the company claims tastes like “pixels”. To the average consumer, ‘pixels” taste like aspartame and tooth decay.

Grammy winner Doja Cat almost missed her award presentation due to a bathroom break; fortunately attendants were able to find a litter box in time.

Google employees are angry that bidets are being removed from office toilets. A senior manager emailed “removal of bidets is my #2 issue with return to office”. A different manager replied “yeah, we know what bidets do”.

A German man received 90 COVID shots so he could sell his vaccine cards to unvaccinated residents. He was arrested, but not jailed, so he could still collect his award for CVS Pharmacy Customer Of The Month.

Martha Stewart’s four dogs killed her cat. Stewart said she will miss the cat, and regrets not having any recipes for it.

The working lyric sheet for Beatles hit ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is being sold, at a price of $450,000. Afterward, the lyrics and masters for ‘Yellow Submarine’ will be sold for $500,000, with the requirement that the buyer burn them.

‘All My Children‘ soap opera actress Susan Lucci’s husband, Helmut, passed away at age 84. Or…did he???

Researchers discovered sound travels much slower on Mars than on Earth – leading to renewed interest in colonizing Mars from old married couples who don’t want to hear their spouse’s boring stories.