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A Seventh Day Adventist Pastor in The Bronx told parishioners women must submit to their husbands, and told husbands “the best person to rape is your wife”. Those in attendance questioned the need for a sermon at the kickoff for the church’s Holiday Bake Sale.

Philadelphia, which is approaching 500 homicide deaths in 2021, is calling for a Homicide Free Thanksgiving. But they promise to make it up to residents with an upcoming ’12 Days Of Homicide’ Christmas promotion.

Kyle Rittenhouse visited Donald Trump at Mar-A-Lago, but said if he wanted to eat Big Macs and watch Fox News, he could have just stayed home.

A 45-year-old man in Moradabad, India – declared dead after being hit by a motorcycle – was found alive after 7 hours in a morgue freezer. He was listed in critical condition following treatment on ‘defrost’ in a morgue microwave.

Apple delayed the rollout of its ‘Digital Drivers License’ feature – where you can add your license to Apple Wallet – until “early 2022”. On the bright side, teenagers can use Apple’s new ‘Digital Fake ID’ feature immediately.

Rolls-Royce claims to have developed the world’s fastest all-electric aircraft, reaching over 387 mph before crashing into a Tesla recharging station at an A-Plus Mini-Mart.

Scientists were stunned to find a 10,000-year-old mammoth tusk at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, adding that the tusk was incredibly well-preserved, as was the note telling the mammoth it failed its junior lifeguard exam.

A bizarre species of tropical bees, known as “vulture bees”, forego pollen and eat meat from dead animal carcasses instead. Vulture bees were discovered when South American beekeepers opened hives and found Slim Jims instead of honey.

Dick Vitale returned to courtside for ESPN, calling the NCAA basketball game between Gonzaga and UCLA while he continues treatment for lymphoma. Vitale cried when he was introduced, causing millions of viewers to temporarily unmute their TVs.

Steve Burton, 51, an actor on ‘General Hospital’ for the last 30 years, was fired for refusing to get COVID-19 vaccines, and that he’d take his chances at Actual Hospital.

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Retired NBA player Iman Shumpert and partner Daniella Karagach won Season 30 of Dancing With The Stars, beating out favorites Jojo Siwa and Jenna Johnson – showing America prefers interracial couples to two women together.

A fan attacked wrestler Seth Rollins during a WWE Raw televised match at Barclays Center in Brooklyn. A spokesman for WWE said they’re reconsidering future ‘Bring Your Own Folding Chair’ Nights.

Actor Eddie Redmayne said his Oscar-nominated lead role as a transgender woman in The Danish Girl is one of his regrets, adding a trans actor should have played the part. But look for The Danish Girl Again, starring Edna Redmayne.

Chrissy Teigen revealed she had an eyebrow hair transplant, saying the hardest part was getting the hairs pulled from her upper lip.

Many families are asking relatives to get COVID-19 tests before Thanksgiving gatherings. Many dysfunctional families are asking relatives get COVID-19 so they can cancel Thanksgiving gatherings.

NASA announced a delay in the launch of the James Webb Space Telescope due to an “incident”. Speculation is swirling that the incident is James getting caught pointing it at a woman’s bedroom window.

Good Morning America host Michael Strahan accepted Jeff Bezos’ invitation to ride on a Blue Origin rocket, just as soon as they finish cleaning the seat up after William Shatner.

The United Nations is warning that Afghanistan’s financial system is on the brink of collapse, with 1 out of every 3 households lacking a single goat to pay for goods and services.

Author Gigi Gatewood said she and her husband always forget their actual wedding anniversary, so they celebrate it on Black Friday. Gatewood makes the day special every year by promising a special Bedroom Doorbuster.

Taylor Swift’s 10-minute ballad ‘All Too Well’ became the longest song to hit #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100. However, Daniel Powter’s ‘Bad Day’ still holds the record for #1 song that feels like it lasts 20 minutes.

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Dozens of people looted a San Francisco area Nordstrom store during a smash & grab robbery. Three of the people were arrested, since they stuck around to have their items gift-wrapped.

A New Jersey Starbucks worker may have exposed thousands of customers to hepatitis-venti-half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-caramel-frappucino-type-A.

Target announced they’ll keep stores closed on Thanksgiving Day for good, and will open at Midnight on Black Friday for stampedes.

Oregon State Police seized 500,000 pounds of illegal marijuana, with a street value of $500 million, and a government-run dispensary value of $5 billion.

Lebron James was ejected from Sunday’s game against the Detroit Pistons for elbowing Pistons Isaiah Stewart above the eye, drawing blood. Video of the incident premiered on HBO Max as Face Jam.

NFL wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr and girlfriend Lauren Wood revealed she’s pregnant, after she played wide receiver a few months ago.

Machine Gun Kelly didn’t bring girlfriend Megan Fox to the American Music Awards, choosing instead to bring his 12-year-old daughter Casie, a.k.a Squirt Gun Kelly.

Tiger Woods shared video of his first practice swings since his February auto accident. Ex-wife Elin Nordegren did not share video, but reportedly took her first swings since bashing Tiger’s SUV with a 5-iron in November 2009.

Kyle Rittenhouse said in an interview that he’s not a racist and that he supports the Black Lives Matter movement, with the exception of any movement near his gun barrel.

Two Fox News contributors quit the network in protest over lies & conspiracy theories in Tucker Carlson’s January 6th special. More are expected to leave once they release Carlson’s Christmas special, Kyle Rittenhouse Is Comin’ To Town.

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Vice President Kamala Harris will be the first woman with Presidential power when President Joe Biden is under anesthesia during a colonoscopy. Harris issued an Executive Order raising the White House thermostat to 72 degrees.

Singers Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes announced they’ve broken up, largely because they didn’t like the sound of ‘Shawmila’.

The FDA authorized Pfizer and Moderna COVID vaccine boosters for all adults, creating thousands of jobs to add a third line of fraudulent shots to counterfeit vaccine cards.

A gang of six people were captured in Brazil, accused of stealing horses for slaughter and selling tons of horse meat as beef. The meat has been seized, delaying the grand opening of a dozen Fogo de Chao Brazilian Steakhouses.

Pete Davidson is reportedly ‘officially dating’ Kim Kardashian – or, as he likes to call her, ‘Triple Grande’.

Macy’s stock rose 20% on better-than-expected earnings, and a positive Christmas outlook fueled by husbands & boyfriends purchasing gifts that their partners pretend to like and can’t bring themselves to return.

Spotify added lyrics to all the songs streaming on its service – leading to hundreds of white people getting pummeled for saying racial slurs aloud while listening to their favorite rappers on the subway.

Julia Stiles is pregnant with her second child, and will attempt to break her own record for saying the phrase “get me the epidural” in the most masculine-sounding voice ever.

Kourtney Kardashian clapped back at a social media critic who criticized her for supposedly not spending enough time with her kids. She captioned a photo of her horseback riding in Mexico with Mason, 11; Penelope, 9; and Whatshisface, 6.

Travis Scott is facing $2 billion in lawsuits related to fatalities and injures suffered at his Astroworld festival. The U.S. Mint has ordered maximum production of $100 bills that Scott intends to make rain via settlements.

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QAnon Shaman Jacob Chansley was sentenced to 41 months in prison for his role in the January 6th riots. Separately, Chansley was stripped of his membership in the Water Buffalo Lodge by National President Barney Rubble.

Apple is selling self-service repair kits for iPhones. They come with tools, replacement parts, and slab of concrete you can drop the iPhone on to get started.

Mike Tyson claims he “died” while tripping on psychedelic toad venom – but not before the toad he licked died from a right cross to its head.

Following a housewarming party to celebrate the purchase of a $6.4 million mansion in Salisbury Township, Pennsylvania, the home was destroyed by fire. Firefighters declared the house “warm”.

A lab owned by pharmaceutical company Merck was temporarily shut down when workers found refrigerated vials labeled “smallpox”. They were declared the second-most toxic items in the refrigerator, next to some guy’s leftover Indian food.

A woman claimed Pope Francis performed a miracle on her son when he walked on a Vatican stage. The miracle was that Pope Francis didn’t ask to see the boy naked.

A drop in temperatures and a significant East Coast storm could disrupt Thanksgiving travel plans next week. “Oh no, maybe we should cancel that trip to your parents?” asked hopeful husbands.

CVS is closing 900 stores. The list will be printed on every customer’s receipt.

A new study of Google Search results shows the most popular cake flavor in every state. Ice cream cake was the most popular in 10 states. In Mississippi, the favorite was urinal cake.

Starbucks is giving away free reusable red cups today. Service is expected to be slower-than-usual as needy regulars give detailed drink orders including specific shades of red.

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A 47-year-old Florida woman died after her husband sued to have her treated with ivermectin. Ironically, she died of heartworms.

Jewelry retailer Pandora is ending their use of mined diamonds and switching to sustainable lab-made diamonds instead. They say this won’t impact the buying habits of cheap husbands & boyfriends who are out of ideas and buy charm bracelets.

A cat with a genetic mutation was born with four ears. It likes having three of them rubbed, and bites if you touch the fourth.

Experts criticized the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial for having him pick juror numbers at random who will decide his fate. They said it went too far when Rittenhouse drew a 13th juror who will be his Secret Santa.

Ob/gyn Dr. Jennifer Gunter, author of The Vagina Bible, debunked a viral claim that women suffer from “winter vagina” – seasonal irritation caused by dry air. This led to an awkward conversation between Santa & Mrs. Claus, who’s been using it as her go-to excuse for several Christmases.

Los Angeles’ Staples Center – home of the NBA Lakers & NHL Kings – is being renamed the Crypto.com Arena. It’s a 20-year deal that will cost over $700 million in real money.

Activist shareholders of video game maker Activision/Blizzard are calling for CEO Bobby Kotick’s resignation, for failing to act on workplace claims of sexual harassment, and for making female soldiers in Call of Duty games wear camouflage bikinis.

CDC data show drug overdose deaths reached record highs during the pandemic – meaning so did drug abusers, kinda.

The CDC data showed the leading cause of overdose death was fentanyl, and the rarest death was one guy who really got carried away with Nugenix.

Attendees at the Baby2Baby charity gala in Los Angeles – dedicated to helping children in poverty – audibly groaned when Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos only donated $500,000. In a gift code.

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200 Philadelphia teens have been shot in the city’s streets so far this year. So officials are opening Curfew Centers, where teens can get off the streets and be shot indoors.

Sesame Street introduced Ji-Young, a Korean female Muppet. Grover now exclusively dates Asians.

AMC Theaters announced a plan to sell their popcorn outside of cinemas, without having to buy a movie ticket. Customers can choose different varieties of popcorn from 2020, 2019, and other vintages.

Jury selection begins in the Ghislaine Maxwell sex=trafficking trial. “Reject her, she’s not young or hot enough” said Maxwell to her attorney, adding “oops, force of habit”.

500 people were hospitalized with stings as heavy storms washed scorpions into homes in Egypt. No one died, but all of them were disappointed that their State Egyptian Farm homeowners policies don’t cover scorpion damage.

A Maryland mayor was charged with 50 counts of distributing revenge porn on Reddit, at Subreddits including r/needysluts. A Reddit moderator condemned the mayor, saying his actions violated the strict community standards of r/needysluts.

An Australian reptile park said a ‘megaspider’ – a massive funnel-web spider measuring 3 inches long with fangs that can pierce a human fingernail – is the biggest of its kind they’ve seen; and that it took five stomps with a steel-toed boot to kill it.

Pennsylvania banned Japanese Barberry, an invasive ornamental shrub that crowds out native plants and provides a home for diseased ticks. The Department of Agriculture is awarding grants so ticks can be rehomed in the coats of deer.

A 38-year-old Massachusetts man with recurring seizures and episodes of “speaking gibberish” was diagnosed with tapeworms tbat had lived in his brain for years. Doctors were tipped off by the 7-Eleven Sushi Loyalty Club Card in his wallet.

A woman who uses a wheelchair surprised her fiance at their wedding by rising out of the chair and walking down the aisle. She realized her dream of walking down the aisle, and his dream of consummating their marriage with standing sex.

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Sophia Urista, lead singer of Brass Against, went viral after video circulated of her urinating on a man’s face onstage at a music festival. Some fans were outraged, but the man had purchased Gold Circle VIPee tickets.

‘House of Gucci‘ premieres this Thanksgiving, starring Lady Gaga & Adam Driver in a true story about an outsider’s attempts to take over the iconic fashion brand. Producers settled on ‘House of Gucci‘ instead of its original title, ‘Gucci Gucci Coup‘.

Investigators solved the 50-year-old mystery of Theodore Conrad, a Cleveland bank teller who put $215,000 in a paper bag and disappeared in 1969. Conrad died earlier this year and was buried under a stone engraved “Whatever, I got out of Cleveland”.

The Trump Organization is selling its Washington DC hotel. It will become a Waldorf-Astoria as soon as they remove the discarded hooker outfits and urine-soaked mattresses from the Presidential Suite.

According to The Framingham Heart Study, sugar-sweetened beverages are the worst drink for liver disease, even worse than alcohol. However, fiber consumption can prevent the damage, say the makers of all-new Mountain Dew Code Red Metamucil.

Walmart’s Black Friday ad shows special deals on Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X game consoles as available “online only”. But for a fee, Walmart will send fifty workers to your house to trample you as you try to shop online at midnight.

Adele said in an interview with Oprah Winfrey that her weight loss journey started with exercise that she used to control her anxiety. “I wish I had your anxiety!” said Oprah.

A 32-year-old woman was arrested for physically assaulting a Southwest Airlines employee. The woman said she heard the *ding* to move about the cabin, but never heard the second *ding* to end the round and stop punching.

The Beaver Moon lunar eclipse on November 19th will be the longest of the century, and the most disappointing to teen boys aroused by how sexy it sounds.

An 84-year-old man bought a Portsmouth, Virginia home “sight unseen” for $160,000 cash, then murdered his realtor in it before killing himself. The home has been relisted as a “fixer upper”.

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Paris Hilton married Carter Reum in Bel-Air. The Internet was temporarily broken due to the surge of “A Reum In Paris” jokes.

Lawyers for a Capitol rioter had to mute his microphone in court since he was audibly complaining about jail conditions, including medical care, food, and the lack of other hot-looking rioter-cellmates.

A McDonald’s worker shared a viral video about a 6,400 item order – 1,600 McDoubles, 1,600 McChickens, and 3,200 cookies – she had to prepare in just four hours. The total cost was $7,400, and Barron Trump still had a terrible birthday party.

Congress is mandating anti-drunk-driving technology for new cars, and multiple lawmakers said they plan to personally test how well it works during the next recess.

An Antarctic penguin made it to New Zealand, 2,000 miles from its home continent. A local man rescued the penguin, saying it was “tired, hungry, and swearing never to use Apple Maps again.”

The Wisconsin judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial was criticized for making a joke about Asian food delivered to the court, saying he hoped it wasn’t stuck on a freighter in California. “That’s my time” he then said before introducing the next judge.

Winter, a dolphin outfitted with a prosthetic tail, who was the inspiration for the film A Dolphin Tale, died at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium. Mourners shared their memories of Winter and her porpoise-driven life.

Johnson & Johnson will separate in to two companies – pharmaceuticals, and consumer products – each one a multi-billion-dollar Johnson.

Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson said the gyms he works out in are so dirty and old, he urinates in old plastic bottles because there aren’t any bathrooms. In other news, a dozen bodybuilders were sickened by bottled energy drinks at The Rock’s gym.

The death toll from Travis Scott’s Astroworld rose to nine people – matching the advance ticket sales from Color Me Badd’s upcoming Colorworld Festival.

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Portugal banned employers from texting employees after normal work hours. In related news, dozens of Portugese pimps declared bankruptcy.

Instagram is testing its Take A Break feature – where users spending too much time on the app are invited to go chill out on Facebook for a while.

76% of Americans believe Facebook has a negative impact on society. The other 24% just got 50 or more Likes for their last picture.

A security guard at Philadelphia’s Christmas Village was arrested for murder. Police confiscated the gun used in the sleighing.

A lobsterman in Casco Bay, Maine caught a rare blue-and-pink ‘cotton candy’ lobster. The lobster was removed from the trap, and declared its pronouns as they/them.

Inflation reached a 30-year high, a crucial statistic cited by the National Alliance Of Eight-Year-Olds seeking increases in their weekly allowance.

A Missouri man on trial for the murder of his wife said that he researched divorce instead, but who’s got that kind of time?

Hindus in New Delhi are bathing in the sacred Yamuna River for Chhath Puja, a festival celebrating the sun. Because the river is covered in a toxic foam from chemical pollutants, they’ll return for the I Hope My Chemotherapy Works festival.

President Joe Biden marked Veterans Day with a speech at the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier. It started late because Biden wanted to wait until the Soldier’s family arrived.

A new study from Japan shows cats can use “socio-spatial cognition” from their acute sense of hearing to mentally picture where their owners are at any given time. However, they only use it to confirm that the owner is standing next to the cat food.